Original subtitles

Previously on The Hard Times of RJ Berger...

All people can do is talk about this stupid formal.

You got your 99 slaps yet? All you got to do

is ask enough girls, you're bound to find one

- that'll say yes. - I was thinking

about going with the one girl

who's been lusting after my dong the whole time.

Don't do it!

You've made me the happiest girl.

Go with me to the winter formal.

There's something I need to talk to you about.

Well, at least you finally...

- What happened? - I don't know.

All right, move it back.

♪ Who wants to know ♪

♪ All that is gold ♪

♪ Is rusting ♪

I told them to fix the brakes, man,

but they wouldn't listen.

There just ain't no telling if she's gonna make it,

but we're all gonna be praying for her.

♪ And how far we've gone ♪

I took her for granted, Coach.

I was gonna break her heart.

Hey, you...

you hang in there, Berger.

She gonna be all right. She's a tough girl.

They're gonna fix her up real good.

We're talking about the bus, right?

Now, see, that was a joke.

That was to break the tension and lighten up...

I'm sorry, man. That was messed up.

I thought it was funny.

♪ Soldier on ♪

♪ Soldier on ♪

♪ Keep your heart ♪

♪ Close to the ground ♪

These things can go either way.

There's nothing we can do but wait and hope for the best.

It's up to Lily now.

♪ Think about it at all ♪

♪ Just keep your head low ♪

My name is RJ Berger,

and this is all my fault.

♪ About it at all ♪

Dude, you got to quit doing this to yourself.

You're, um... you're dressed already?

- What time is it? - It's time for you to go home,

take a shower, get in your tux,

and forget about this for a while, man.

You've been here for almost 24 hours, RJ.

- There's nothing you can do... - Miles, I promised her

we'd be together tonight.

We were supposed to go to the formal together.

We were supposed to lose our virginity together.

Yeah, but you're forgetting you're double-booked

with Jenny Swanson.

Okay, look.

Look at this.

Don't you think God's trying to send you a message?

Knock, knock. Who's there?

Nobody.

Hello, Miles.

Hey... hey, Mrs. Miran.

Uh...

y... you know, I'm... I'm gonna go see

if there's any vending machines in the hallway.

I take it you're not going with Miles tonight.

No, I, uh...

I was supposed to be with Lily.

That girl certainly is crazy about you, RJ.

She's been crazy about you since you were little kids.

Since you were "Richie Berger."

Remember that?

Oh, my God, she was so excited

to be your date for the formal.

You can only imagine.

I don't think the sewing machine stopped once all week.

But, RJ, all the worry in the world

isn't gonna bring her around any faster.

You know how stubborn she is,

how persistent.

Once she has her mind fixed on something,

well, look out.

You're telling me.

Right now all we can do

is hope that her mind is fixed on getting well

and coming back to us.

Go, RJ. Go.

Have a good night for the both of you.

♪ I'm gonna nibble on your pepperonis, baby ♪

♪ Whoo, yeah ♪

♪ Your tender, little pepperonis ♪

Oh, my darling, precious boy, look at you!

Okay, pictures! Picture time!

Here we go.

And a one, and a two, and a I love you!

Oh, you boys

look good enough to eat.

Funny you should say that, Mrs. B,

'cause I am wearing edible underwear.

Miles, if you're man enough,

all underwear is edible.

Miles, what is that monstrosity?

That, my friend, is called

"Taking advantage of someone's guilt."

- Is that... - Just a minute, Roger!

He feels horrible about, uh, you know,

running Lily over, he asked me

if there was anything he could do for us, so...

So you asked Mr. Vehicular Manslaughter

- to be our limo driver. - Dude, all I know is

he got me a killer rate.

Well, you're both guaranteed

at least one giant hummer tonight.

Dude, Robin Pretnar and Jenny Swanson

deserve to ride in style, man.

Listen, anything you ass napkins need tonight,

you just say the word, and Roger will hook it up.

I'm talking booze, rubbers, floozies.

How about you hook us up with some watching

the road, Roger?

You got it.

Well, RJ,

the moment of truth.

This is Jenny's neighborhood.

Looks like you're up first.

♪ Well, I admit ♪

♪ I get distracted sometimes... ♪

Now, look, pal, I'm a man of the world.

I remember high school.

But so help me Christ, if you...

Sorry, this is the Swanson house.

Keep dreaming.

Dad! That's RJ!

Oh.

Oh.

Nice to meet you.

Oh, you look beautiful, sweetheart.

That's my girl.

Hi, RJ.

Um, is that corsage for me?

Oh.

Yeah.

Thanks.

Bye.

Bye.

Well, he seems like a...

- nice boy. - Oh, yeah.

He's perfect.

You look... incredible.

You look pretty handsome yourself.

Listen, RJ, I know you have a lot

on your mind right now with Lily...

You know what? Let's, um...

let's... let's just have a good time tonight.

Deal?

Deal.

Dude, this is her neighborhood.

Okay, now I'm starting to freak.

- Why? - I don't know.

I just got hit by the magnitude

of it all, you know?

Everything's led me to this moment, you know, my whole life.

Every disappointment...

Well, we're pretty sure

it's a boy.

Growing up poor...

Oh, Daddy, I love him! What's his name?

His name's dinner.

My mom dying...

Lay this poor, wretched soul to eternal rest.

All right, who wants ice cream?

My brother going crazy...

My cat committing suicide...

But now none of that matters,

because in a few minutes,

I'm gonna have the prettiest girl

in Pinkerton High on my arm.

We're here, ass napkins.

What are we doing at Robin's?

- What do you mean? - She's his date.

Seriously?

I'm here to pick up Robin.

I'm here to pick up Robin.

What do you want?

I'm hear to pick up...

Robin! Limo's here!

Okay!

What the hell are you doing here?

I'm your date.

Oh, my God!

I was being sarcastic!

Pauline! Get in here!

- Ugh! - Some fat-ass thought

he was taking Robin to a formal!

Look at this kid. Get his face.

This is too freakin' funny!

I'm putting this on the internet!

Take care, fat-ass!

What the hell are you doing here?

Funny, I was just about to ask you the same thing.

Who the hell was I kidding?

I'm a born loser, RJ...

A fat, ugly loser with acne

- all over his... - Miles, Miles, come on.

Don't get dark on me tonight.

Come on, dude, I'm begging you.

I know how you feel, Miles.

The hell you do.

You don't know jack piss, princess!

For you, this is nothing but one itsy-bitsy bad night

that'll probably end up being awesome.

Meanwhile, the rest of your perfect little life's

gonna be all roses and personal trainers,

so don't you tell me you know how I feel!

I just never thought

that Max would, or Robin would...

Would what? Would rip out your heart

and take a big old dump on it?

Welcome to the real world, beauty queen.

Here's your Tiara.

♪ High school's the place ♪

♪ Where dreams go to die ♪

You want to slow down there, buddy?

Why? These sorrows aren't gonna drown themselves, RJ.

I'm going Cobain-style tonight.

Oh, no.

Hey...

I promise to forget about everything that's happened

and have a good time...

if you do.

Okay?

Best winter formal ever?

Best winter formal ever.

Hey, Kurt Cobain drank himself to death, right?

Blew his head off.

Pussy.

So do you normally just, um, stand around

for the whole dance or...?

No. I mean, you know, sometimes,

you know, I'll mix it up, get some punch.

Oh, my God, I love this song.

Come on, we have to dance.

Wait, I don't... I don't...

No, no, no, we're dancing.

All right.

♪ Reach the city steps tonight ♪

♪ Following the power lines ♪

Uh, what song is this?

Um, I have no idea.

I thought you said it was your favorite.

I just said that to get you to dance.

♪ With eclipses for eyes ♪

Hey...

we're having fun, right?

Best winter formal ever.

♪ Did I say enough? ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Silvia ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Silvia ♪

Best formal ever.

Hello, Wankerton High School!

Whoo!

Oh, yeah!

Oh, [bleep].

I want to say something to...

Robin Veronica Pretnar.

I know you're out there somewhere,

and this is gonna break your cold-ass heart,

'cause I'm gonna tell you something that I've got

that Max Owens...

will never have.

What, diabetes?

Food stamps?

It's called integrity, girl.

It's called integrity!

And, you know,

I want to give a shout-out

to Lily Miran,

my buddy RJ. RJ!

All right, you had your fun. Give me that.

Hold on, Gary Coleman.

My buddy RJ was gonna bring...

take her to this bull[bleep],

but she got hit by a bus.

But, hey, don't cry for her,

because it worked out great.

He got to bring...

are you ready?

Jenny Swanson!

Which is, like, a huge upgrade.

Yo, this is for you, Lily!

- All right, you had enough. - And I hope...

- Give me that! - No!

- Give me that! - No!

Give me the mic, you fat bastard!

♪ It still hurts to let go ♪

♪ But every day I do ♪

♪ I'm lookin' for some hope ♪

♪ This cloud will pass through ♪

♪ I'm pressing rewind ♪

♪ I'm searchin' for when ♪

♪ We have blue skies ♪

♪ But it's startin' to rain again ♪

RJ?

Hey.

Best, uh, winter formal ever, huh?

Um...

it's not, um...

I just started feeling really guilty, that's all.

Do you want to know why I like you, RJ?

What makes you different from all those other guys?

It's this.

Jenny.

What?

This isn't right.

It's okay, Max is...

No, I'm sorry.

I just feel...

like I shouldn't be doing this when she's alone.

You have...

no idea how long I've been waiting to do that.

And most guys would kill to...

You're not most guys, RJ Berger.

Go be with her.

♪ Everybody get loose 'cause you're free to party ♪

♪ Everybody get loose 'cause you're free to party ♪

♪ Everybody get loose 'cause you're free to party ♪

♪ Get loose into the night like it's... ♪

You trying to put the pound game

on my girl, you little bitch?

Your... you're here with Robin Pretnar,

you hypocritical piece of [bleep]!

What the hell did you just say to me?

You don't talk to me like that!

Max, you can go ahead and try and kick my ass, buddy,

but I'm promising you one thing...

when the dust settles, so help me,

I will have your balls tonight.

I don't care if I have to kick them until my foot breaks.

I don't care if I have to pop them between my teeth.

I don't care if it kills me.

With these people and God as my witness,

I am taking your balls tonight!

So bring it!

I'll take my chances, you little...

Leave my friend alone, you asshole douchebag!

Aah! Aah!

Get out of here, dude!

This is all just luck and cheap shots!

Get off me, you elephant!

- Ahh! - That's my prize bull!

Get off of him! get off of him!

I am so sorry, Lily.

It should have been me and you tonight.

Sorry I ruined your night.

No.

No, mm-mm.

You didn't ruin anything.

It was just...

RJ...

It can still be special.

Remember our promise?

♪ Something's bound to happen ♪

♪ I can hear it in the whispers of the night ♪

♪ Warn the others madness ♪

♪ Finds us drifting in the calm of tidal eyes ♪

♪ I'm so-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Scared ♪

♪ We've been found ♪

Thank you.

My name is RJ Berger...

and I just did the right thing.

♪ I wanted you to know ♪

♪ I wanted you to know ♪