Original subtitles

Oh, my gosh.

That... is that...?

Is that peanut oil and burnt hair?

- It's perfume, lard ass. - I wear it on special occasions.

What's the special occasion?

Well, I was hoping someone would sack up

and ask me to the winter formal,

especially since I'm offering my date

100% guaranteed, no strings attached,

porn-quality sex.

But I can't keep this offer open all day, RJ.

- What are you? - The ShamWow guy?

- Well, - Raven already asked me,

and he's waiting for his answer.

Well, I won't keep you in suspense, Lily.

My answer... look out!

- You saved my life! - Calm down.

Calm down.

- Hey! - What the hell, Roger?

Sorry, ass napkin.

School won't pay to fix the brakes on this yellow turd!

- Come on, dude! - You expect us to believe that?

- For real, homes! - Budget cuts!

- God. - You're crazy, man.

Hey! What the hell?

It's called walking to school, fatty!

My name is RJ Berger, and taking the bus sucks.

So, plans for after?

Well, I'm not really sure what Max has planned

for after the dance, but I'm sure it'll be

something romantic.

Bro, I'm gonna get her so drunk,

she's not gonna care where it ends up.

- Hey-oh! - Yes!

God, all people can do is talk about this stupid formal.

I'm telling you, dude, school dances,

they're just a conspiracy created by

the tuxedo rental industry.

That's why we're gonna blow it off.

- We're gonna order a pizza - Rock Band

till our fingers bleed.

- It's gonna be epic. - Epic.

Not as epic as the sex I'll be having after the winter formal.

What the hell did you just say?

You heard me, losers.

I'm gonna get some bite marks on my hang-low Saturday.

Kevin, assuming you're even capable of getting a boner

after sitting on your balls for ten years,

what girl in her right mind would point her heels

to the sky for your disgusting doorbell penis?

Say whatever you want, asshole,

but I've got raw data on my side.

What does that mean?

Fact.

43% of all high school girls lose their virginity

at school-sponsored dances.

You want to know the percentage of high school boys

that lose their virginity staying home playing Rock Band?

You two. To each other.

I'm saying this as your friend, guys.

You should really look into killing yourselves.

- What if he's right? - You know, Kevin Stern.

Dude, we're not killing ourselves.

No, I know, but what if he's right about the winter formal?

Oh, I thought they were a conspiracy

started by the tuxedo rental industry.

Well, yeah, but if it's also a guaranteed lay, who cares?

Dude, what, so now you want to go?

Man, the thing is this Saturday.

- We don't even have dates. - Laverne, Shirley, let's go.

Coach, what's the quickest way

to get dates to the winter formal?

- I don't know. - How much you willing

- to shell out? - For what?

Oh.

Oh, you mean for real dates.

Oh, well, uh...

you got your 99 slaps yet?

- Our what? - Your 99...

The drunk guy at the bar asks 100 women

to have sex with him, right?

Now, 99 of 'em gonna slap his drunk ass.

But there's always that one horny dime

that's gonna follow him into the men's room.

It's a numbers game.

All you got to do is ask enough girls.

You're bound to find one that'll say yes.

- Right? - Yeah.

- Right. - Now move your asses.

Time to climb some rope and get some calluses

on them girly hands.

♪ Hey oh ♪

♪ Hey oh, hey oh, hey oh ♪

Yeah.

♪ Met a girl like in my dreams ♪

- Really? Yeah? - Yes!

♪ That girl could be my angel ♪

Oh, my God!

- Me? Really? - Of course!

Want to go to the prom this year?

I'd love to!

- Yes. - Yes.

Yes.

Remember, RJ, worst thing they can do is say no.

Let's be honest.

You didn't get that tongue pierced for nothing, right?

Most guys wouldn't be caught dead

with a deaf girl!

But, hey, I'm not most guys!

Hey, you know what my favorite color is?

Rainbow.

Ever thought about pitching a no-hitter for the other team?

Okay, so apparently there are worse things

they can do than say no.

- How'd it go for you? - Not so hot.

Yeah, you know, it's like that scene

in Madea Goes to Jail when Madea's all,

"Ooh, girl, you need get yourself a date to the dance!"

I was... that's sort of what I wanted to ask you.

We may have to go plan B, dude.

Who do you want to try first, eighth graders

- or pregnant juniors? - Neither.

- Dude, I've been thinking... - I know.

Rock Band's starting to sound pretty good.

No.

Look, my dating life up until now

has been a complete disaster, and if I'm not careful,

my virginity will take on, like, a life of its own,

and then I'll never lose it.

So instead of making this hard on myself, you know,

I was thinking about maybe going with the one girl

who's been lusting after my dong the whole time.

- Oh, God! - Don't even say it.

Miles, I know we make fun of her,

but she's been our best friend

since as long as I can remember.

I mean, in some ways, she's already the first girl

I've ever slept with.

In preschool, we were nap partners.

- Max. - Tommy.

In grade school, whenever I wouldn't get picked

for teams at recess, which was pretty much every day,

Lily was always there to play with me.

Things only started to get weird when we hit puberty.

RJ and Lily sitting in a tree.

Oh!

But the fact is, when the chips are down,

you two are the only real friends I can count on.

I'm begging you, dude, don't do it!

You deserve better, bro.

I'm looking out for you!

Hey, can I talk to you for a second?

I was wondering if maybe you and I

could go to the dance together?

RJ Berger, you've just made me

the happiest girl in the world!

I still can't believe you asked mini Chewbacca

to the winter formal!

Dude, you're not gonna make me change my mind.

In fact, I'm starting to think it's destiny.

According to Lily, she's the only one who can

handle my freak piece, anyway.

All I'm saying is, good luck getting through

that overgrown crotch jungle.

Hey, you might need to hire a sherpa

- to help guide you in. - You know, screw you, Miles.

At least I have a date.

You know, while I'm off becoming a man,

you'll be at home, playing Good Day Sunshine

on expert, alone.

Ohh... not so fast, my suddenly prickish friend.

See, I'm not done asking girls out.

I've gotten my 99 slaps, and I'm going big-game hunting

for number 100.

- Uh-huh. - And, uh, who's the lucky girl?

For me, RJ,

I'm going for the long shot of all long shots.

Robin Pretnar, I come to you today

wearing blue, the color of my heart

and my balls.

But you can change all that by agreeing

to take this relationship to the next level.

Look, we've had our first kiss.

We've had our first fight.

You know, I've touched boob,

and you've grazed nut.

So what do you say, Robin Pretnar?

Will you go with me to the winter formal?

What the hell?

I'm tired of attractive guys

who wouldn't flatten me during sex.

Pick me up at my house Saturday.

Oh, my God.

I'm taking Robin Pretnar to the winter formal!

Okay, you want to see a rough sketch of my dress?

Isn't that, like, bad luck or something?

This isn't our wedding.

I mean, not yet. Don't worry.

I'm stitching in easy-access slots all over.

Yeah.

I can tell you're getting nervous

about the big night, but relax.

I'll take care of everything...

The music, candles... the lube.

All right, well, I gotta get to class now.

Okay.

I don't even know you anymore.

- Jenny. - You're my girlfriend, Jenny.

I'm sorry, I just... I don't feel the same anymore.

Make up your mind!

Made up.

RJ, one more thing.

Saturday night, I need you to promise me

that this is really gonna happen.

I promise, Lily.

Dude, are you ready to drop your lunch tray

and worship at the altar of my awesomeness?

One Miles Davis Jenner...

Your middle name isn't Davis.

...is going to the winter formal

with none other than the Robin Pretnar!

- Really? - Yeah!

So choke on that, animal lover!

What, is she dying or something?

I don't know!

I guess she just couldn't resist a man in a tux.

Oh, my God!

Dude, you have pudding on your...

Oh, totally cool, dude.

That's what the cummerbund's for.

Oh, my God!

Dude, our first ever double date!

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah, about that...

um, I don't think Robin's the type of girl

who wants to share a limo with the likes of Lily.

- Not cool, dude. - Exactly, RJ.

Lily is not cool enough to be seen with my girl.

All right, listen, asshole.

I don't know what kind of spell or date-rape drug

you used on Robin Pretnar, but while you're obsessively

trying to hide your pit stains, I'll be having fun

with my sure thing.

Yeah, "thing" being the operative word.

You suck, Miles.

Hey.

Listen, RJ, I have, um...

I have a favor to ask you.

The whole world's about to find out that,

um, Max and I are done, for good this time.

- Wow. - Uh, I'm... I'm so sorry.

I-I'm really... sorry.

Yeah, so, um, anyways,

I was wondering, before 20 of his douche bag friends

ask me to the formal, if maybe you might...

be willing to maybe... go with me?

As a friend?

I would be honored to, my lady.

My parents can drive us.

Uh, actually my friend has a limo, so...

Leave it to you to have everything worked out already.

- Pick me up at 8:00? - 8:00 would be great.

Won't be late.

Thanks, RJ.

This really means a lot.

And I promise we'll have fun.

What were you talking to her about, freak?

Uh, science stuff.

If you ever go near her again

with anything but a book in your hand,

I'll stab you in your frickin' juggler vein.

Got it?

It's "jugular."

Got it.

- We have made progress. - Epic progress!

In, like, three months, we've gone from

a couple of nobodies to taking

the two hottest sophomores to the winter formal.

- Pretty epic. - What's wrong?

You pull a muscle?

No, I just, um, I don't know what to do about Lily.

Oh, just do what I've always done.

Avoid looking directly at her.

Dude, I'm talking about the dance.

I mean...

There's no way around it.

I mean, I have to take her instead of Jenny.

- I asked her first. - Hold on.

Let me finish stretching.

Okay, RJ, I'm doing this for your own good.

Oh!

- If you don't take - Jenny Swanson

to the winter formal, you will take that mistake

to your grave. You hear me?

Your shallow, empty grave!

- Berger! Jenner! - In my office, now!

Aah!

Like I said, Coach,

we were practicing wrestling moves.

Mm-hmm.

You expect me to believe that crap?

First off, I've never seen one of you two cream puffs

break a sweat.

And second, that wasn't wrestling.

That was two lady dogs fighting to sniff each other's ass.

Now, I want to know the truth, damn it,

and I want to know it now!

- Well... - I sort of agreed

to go with two people to the winter formal.

That better not be one of 'em.

- What? - No, no!

Coach, I asked my friend Lily.

Um, Lily Miran.

She's, um...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, the one that looks like

one of them Klingons from Star Wars.

Star Trek.

I don't give a damn!

So I asked her, but then Jenny Swanson

asked me to go with her.

I mean, as a friend.

Jenny's been my dream girl since, like...

Third grade.

And I have to go with her, but if I do,

it'll crush Lily.

And Max will crush me if I go with Jenny.

- Mm-hmm. - See what I mean?

Yeah, I see.

Yeah, I see loud and clear.

Now, you listen here, Berger, and you listen good.

Max is gonna kick your ass no matter what you do,

and little Star Warsgirl is gonna keep them ankles

in the air no matter who you go with.

But missing out on taking Jenny Swanson to the formal?

That's some stuff you gonna take to your grave, son.

Finally, a voice of reason.

But isn't that the wrong thing to do?

- To losers, maybe. - But you ask yourself, Berger,

when you look back on your sorry-ass life

30 years from now, do you want to be the loser

who did the right thing,

or do you want to be the stud who did Jenny Swanson?

Come on.

Hey, so, um, I kind of want to do this alone,

so if you could find something else to do

until the bus gets here?

- Yeah. - No problem.

Hey there, handsome.

How does your last full day of virginity feel?

Uh, you know, about the same.

The same?

I've been through three pairs of panties today.

I'm just kidding. God.

Um, Lily, there's something

I really want to talk to you about.

- Wait. - Me first.

Okay, so I know I come on a little strong sometimes,

but it just...

I don't know what it is about you, RJ Berger.

I mean, ever since we were little kids,

even before I knew how smart you were

and how funny and sweet you could be,

even before I knew about your... gift,

for some reason, I always had this feeling

that you were... the one, that we would lose

our virginity to each other.

So I just need to say it one more time.

You've made me the happiest girl in the world.

Lily, wait, there's something I need to talk to you about.

- What is it my I... - Aah!

My name is RJ Berger, and oh, my God.

Next on The Hard Times of RJ Berger...

There just ain't no telling if she's gonna make it.

But we all gonna be praying for her.

Get in your tux and forget about this for a while.

Have a good night for the both of you.

Hi, RJ.

What the hell are you doing here?

Funny, I was just about to ask you the same thing.

Yo, Wankerton High School!

I want to say something.

You trying to put the pound game on my girl,

you little bitch?