Original subtitles

My name is RJ Berger.

Two weeks ago, I accidentally shot

a three-inch nail through the finger

of the most feared jock in school...

Ohh... God!

Who just happens to be dating

the girl of my dreams.

Now his finger's finally healed...

and in seven, six, five seconds,

I'm going to hear the one sound

I've been dreading all day.

You think you could disrespect me, huh? Huh?

Not in the penis!

You think you can just nail my finger to the wall?

Stop it, Max.

Enough, I think he gets the point.

Oh, dude, he let you off way easier than I thought.

Oh, good.

'Cause from here, it felt like I got the

kicked out of me.

Okay, okay. Come on.

Come on, buddy.

♪ Hey! ♪

Now... now, just ignore them, man.

These things have a short lifespan.

40,000 views in 12 hours.

Gotta hand it to you, fatty, you know your audience.

What's got 40,000?

Dude, you put the fight online?

I'd hardly call it a fight, RJ.

Dude, there's no such thing as bad publicity.

Yes, Miles, there is.

It's called 40,000 kids watching you

get your ass kicked on the internet.

Dude, I'm trying to get back on Jenny's good side.

Being the laughingstock of the internet

- doesn't really help. - Honestly, you should

just forget about that whole Jennything.

Thank you for your support, Lily.

I'm just saying, even if she did forgive you

for nailing her boyfriend,

there's no way she could handle that thing.

Most high school girls couldn't.

- It's too early for this. - Mm.

But I could, RJ.

Look, look at me.

I can handle it.

You know how I know?

Because I spent the last two years

working my way up from gherkins

to summer squash.

I'm gonna heave.

Now I know I was really working my way toward destiny.

What's a summer squash?

It's a gourd.

I'll get it!

Mom... mom, no!

Please don't, um...

Not tonight.

Excuse me?

Hi.

Well, aren't you gonna invite the young lady in?

Yeah.

Jenny, come on in.

Thanks.

Um, this is...

Rick Berger.

Such a pleasure to meet you.

Hi.

Wow.

Uh, I'm Suzanne, and...

And we're gonna go, uh,

we're gonna go to my room now.

Uh... it's over here.

I mean, are you kidding me?

Oy vey.

You could bounce a quarter off that thing

and get 50 cents back.

Rrreow.

Okay, I mean... that was close.

- Okay. - Let's go to number three.

Okay, so somatic cells have one set of chromosomes,

and gametes have two.

Or wait, is it the other way around?

RJ, do I have it?

RJ, do I have it?

Absolutely.

Things just aren't the same between us.

I can't concentrate. I can't get my facts straight.

Last night I told her that gametes have twochromosomes.

Mm... look,

I have no idea what that means.

But what I do know is if you don't get

that goddess an "A" on Lipsky's midterm,

she's gonna dump you for the one person

with the higher IQ and lower self-esteem than you.

Kevin Stern, bro.

If you're not careful, that pizza grease is gonna

find its way into Jenny's uterus.

What are you looking at, ass?!

I'm looking at the biggest mistake I ever made,

you rolling sack of acne!

You go to hell!

All I'm saying is,

if you ever want to see that girl's "O" face,

why leave it to chance?

- So you're saying... - He's saying

why don't you just cheat?

No, absolutely not.

- Cheating, out of the question. - Fine, RJ.

Then I hope you're cool with just

handing over the girl of your dreams to that.

In theory, if we were to cheat,

I don't know the first thing about any of that.

Dude, it's simple.

We sneak into Lipsky's classroom,

we copy the test,

and we ride off into the sunset.

Um, sorry to rain on your jerk-fest,

but nobody's ever stolen the answers

to a Lipsky test.

She keeps 'em at home until the day of.

You'd have to break into her house.

- No! Miles! - Bro, come on!

I thought you wanted to get back on Jenny's good side!

Hey, hey, hey...

I've got the perfect big brother ex-marine

to help us do it.

Don't even say his name.

Oorah.

I'm telling you, his training makes him

the perfect person to pull this off.

Oh, and whatever you do,

don't stare at his arm.

Good. Ready?

This is it.

Our troops soldiered on

knowing that the freedom of the entire world

rested on their shoulders.

Shh!

You two cherries ever knock?

Oh, my God!

You're entering my home without permission.

That puts me well within my legal right

to blow your head off right now.

Chet, this is dad's house.

We both live here, remember?

Hi, Chet.

What the hell do you want, skid mark?

My time's valuable.

Uh, uh...

We were hoping you could help us.

We were hoping you could help us with a mission.

Mission?

Oh...

What kind of a mission?

We need to break into a teacher's house.

Covert ops. What's in it?

Oh, um...

We, uh, we need to...

We need to break into the house, and we need to...

- We need to find a test... - Yeah, I got that.

Information, infiltration, extraction.

This ain't my first rodeo.

I meant what's in it for me?

Uh, uh... a carton of menthols?

Mm. Okay.

When we do this,

it's my way or the die-way.

You copy that?

- Copy. - Copy.

Good.

'Cause the way I see it,

there's only one way to handle this situation.

We gotta kill her.

Chet, nobody's killing anybody, okay?

Come on.

Aah! Ha-ha!

Whoa!

I'm just messing with you, Susie.

Why don't you take the broken glass

out of your vadge, bro?

Oh... joking!

Oh, man!

Wow, uh... actually, Miles and I

sort of came up with a plan of our own.

A basic blueprint, really.

You did, did you?

Wow, Mary Kate and Ashley came up with their own plan.

This I gotta hear.

Oh...

Okay, well, uh,

we were thinking

that we would need to distract Lipsky, so...

- Ooh! - Yeah.

Ooh, jeez!

- Burns, don't it? - Yes.

Just like you burned me

by nailing my star player.

- Coach, I said I was sorry. - Yeah, I know.

Now I want your tears to tell me.

- Oh! - God damn it!

- Coach? - What?!

Less talk and more pain!

Would you do something

you knew was wrong to get a girl to like you?

Berger, there ain't no right or wrong

when it comes to getting up in that lady business.

Look at Max up there.

You think he cares about what's right or wrong?

All that boy cares about is draining his baskets

and draining his nuts.

Now stop jawing and give me a sit-up

before I tie that albino anaconda of yours in a knot.

Today!

Don't let me down, Miles.

No problem, buddy!

Oh...

Yeah, so, uh,

since when do you get fist bumps from Patterson?

Since I told him and a few other people in class

that we'd give 'em the answers to Lipsky's multiple-choice.

Define "a few other people."

Uh... the whole class.

Miles, dude!

You are gonna get us busted, man!

Hey, hey, hey, relax.

If everybody gets an "A,"

Lipsky won't be able to tell who cheated.

You fat, stupid piece of...

I think that actually makes sense.

- That makes sense. - See? You get Jenny an "A,"

and we impress some of the dumb jocks

who mistake us as punching bags...

everybody wins.

Oh, hey, hey, bye.

- Hey, RJ. - Hey.

So we still on for 7:00?

7:00, actually, do you...

Do you mind starting, like, an hour later?

I have something to do at 7:00.

Are you sure? I mean, the test is tomorrow,

and I really need to make this grade for honors.

Oh, positive.

In fact, I'm bringing a study guide with me.

Okay, well, if you're sure, then I'm sure.

See you at 8:00.

See you at 8:00. Bip, bup, bape.

See? Everybody wins.

Yeah, everybody wins except Lily Miran

and her vacant fun holes!

Okay, once I engage, you cherries will have

seven minutes to complete the objective.

We rally back here at exactly 1930 hours.

You copy that?

- Excuse me. - What is it, jizz stain?

Um, what exactly is 1930 hours?

See, I gotta meet Jenny at 8:00.

It's the way us freedom keepers say 7:30,

you pinko prick bag.

Okay, well, that works out nicely.

Chet, just keep her busy long enough

for us to get the test, okay?

All right.

Just so we're crystal on this.

Are you guys sure you don't want me to waste her?

No, thanks, Chet.

Roger that.

All right, let's get you boys greased up.

- Miles. - Wait for it...

- Miles... - Wait for it.

You sure about this?

And... there it is.

The "RJ pusses out express," right on schedule!

Miles, we're about to break into a teacher's house.

That doesn't strike you as a little crazy?

You know what strikes me as a little crazy, RJ?

Showing up to school tomorrow and getting my ass beat

because I didn't deliver the answers

I promised the whole class!

Look, don't think of it as breaking into Lipsky's house.

Think of it as...

breaking into Jenny Swanson's panties?

- Help me open the window. - Yep.

Shh.

Electric company.

Jesus, that was fast.

I just hung up with you guys two seconds ago.

We, uh... we aim to please.

Well, come on in, then.

Unh!

Dude!

I'm sorry. Shh! Shh!

There's nothing wrong with your box,

but it looks like it hasn't been serviced in years.

You have no idea.

You take the desk, I'll take the files.

Shh.

It smells like formaldehyde

- and Sara Lee cheesecake. - Hey, hey!

This thing should be like a Scantron.

Like, multiple-choice with the number-two pencil-type thing.

I know what they look like.

My husband, Lewis.

I see he had the honor of dying for his country.

Were you in the army?

Yes, ma'am.

I did two tours in Iraq.

Oh, is that where you got that, uh...

I don't like to talk about it.

Did you hear something?

We're dead. We're dead, we're dead, we're dead.

It's probably a possum or something.

I don't have possums. I heard something.

Oh, me!

Wait, wait! Look...

I want to tell you about my arm.

Okay.

Come here.

Dude. Dude, dude, dude.

Where you going? Where you going?

She almost busted us. I'm getting out of here.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

You're not going anywhere till we get Jenny those answers.

Me and other special forces guys

were out patrolling a marketplace on foot.

Dude, that is not how the scar story begins!

What do you mean?

First of all, he wasn't exactly

"special forces" material.

This war sucks balls, man. All we do is drive around

this sandbox honking at Mohammed.

I didn't sign up to be a cab driver.

I'm here to lay the lead and make 'em dead.

Hey, man, I got two girls to get home to,

so I'll take all the boring patrols they give us.

- Mwah! - You know what I think?

- Don't even, Chet. - Yeah! Y'all!

I think it's time to get hyphy!

No, Chet, it's not time to get hyphy!

You are not ghost-riding this friggin' Humvee again!

Here we go, yo! Here we go, yo!

Get back in here, you moron!

You're gonna get yourself shot.

Hey, look at me, dawg!

You're supposed to be looking out for IEDs, asshole!

I.E. Deez nuts, bitches! Ha-ha!

Unh, unh, look at this. Hey, check this out.

Damn it, Jenner! Now!

Oh, sh...

It was the one time that being an unstable asshole

actually worked out in Chet's favor.

- Why, God? - That one little burn

got him his ticket home

and disability benefits for life.

They said the pain would go away,

but they must have meant the physical kind,

because God knows...

Oh, that lying son of a bitch!

You mustn't blame yourself.

If you hadn't killed those other suicide bombers,

think how many other women and children might have died.

I guess.

You know, I never shared that with anybody before.

Chet?

Could I share something with you?

Oh!

Ooh...

Oh, um...

All right, dude,

I gotta meet Jenny in 20 minutes... let's go.

That's the scariest thing I've ever seen.

Oh, Chet...

Oh, man!

So I got an email that some people are

passing around the answers for tomorrow's test.

I heard about that. Yeah.

Uh, as a matter of fact, I...

Knock-knock. Sorry to interrupt.

I just want to make sure the study buddies

don't need any study snacks before I turn in.

- Mom... - No thank you, Mrs. Berger.

Please, call me Suzanne.

I'm still Rick, Jenny.

- Anyway, uh... - You...

I don't know about you, but I'd rather

actually learn this stuff.

I mean, maybe I get a "B" instead of an "A."

At least it's an honest "B," right?

Yeah.

Sorry I cut you off earlier. What were you gonna say?

No, uh...

I... no, I was gonna say that, uh,

we should start studying.

- Okay. - Okay.

So somatic cells have one set of chromosomes,

and gametes have two, right?

Uh, actually, you've got it backwards.

Gametes fuse with...

There's always the next test.

Oh, my god. Berger...

Berger, RJ, you got an A-minus.

And I...

Oh, my gosh, I got an "A."

You got an "A"? You got an "A"!

You guys got "A"s, but the rest of us got "F"s!

We stole the wrong test.

Hey, Miles.

Hey, dawg. What's up?

Let me talk to you outside for a second.

Get him, Patterson. No fear, bro!

You stole the wrong test, you stupid asshole!

It's nice to be on this side for a change, huh?

My name is RJ Berger.

And this is going online.

Next on The Hard Times of RJ Berger.

All people can do is talk about

this stupid formal.

You got your 99 slaps yet?

All you gotta do is ask enough girls.

Bound to find one that'll say yes.

I was thinking about going with the one girl

who's been lusting after

- my dong the whole time. - Don't do it!

Will you go with me to the winter formal?

You've made me the happiest girl in the world.