Original subtitles

Dear Almighty Jesus,

what the hell happened to him?

Another after-school beating?

Paramedics said it's a hangover.

But that'd be the worst hangover I ever seen.

Remember our deal, dude.

If you die, I get your laptop.

- I'm pullin' for you, bro. - My God, we're losing him.

His BP just went through the floor.

My bad.

He's coding!

- Everybody, clear! - Wait!

I can save him.

RJ, tell me where it hurts.

I'll kiss it

and make it all better.

Aah!

Oh!

My name is RJ Berger,

and both my life and my sheets are a mess.

♪ Hey! ♪

I puked all weekend.

And I don't know if it was the vodka

or the memory of rubbing beard stubble with Lily,

but kissing that girl

is like tugging it to a nature documentary.

Dude, easy. My head is killing me.

And this is all your fault, by the way.

Because of you, I had to clean

vomit out of the carpet all Sunday

and didn't have time to study for my geometry test.

Well, that was last weekend.

Wait'll you hear what I got in store for us this weekend.

Miles, no. No more stupid plans.

I don't have time for other people's agendas, Miles.

I... I'm... Oh! Can you watch- oh.

- Watch what? Huh? - Sorry, Max, I didn't...

You're lucky, you three-legged freak.

We're playing Jefferson on Friday.

Can't risk bruising my shooting hand

on that bony little face of yours.

RJ, can I talk to you for a minute?

Absolutely not.

I hope that this weekend's unfortunate and disgusting

mistake hasn't hurt my chances with you.

And I hope that...

Richard Berger, please report

to the principal's office immediately.

Whoa, that didn't sound good.

Relax, I'm sure they just need help

figuring out the phone systems again.

Listen, fatty.

You even think about getting in between me

and that again...

and I'll shake you and watch the gravy pour out.

Lily...

I'ma tell you something that RJ's too nice to say.

You're nevergonna get with that.

'Cause you'll never be that.

We'll see.

RJ, do you know what the only good thing

about being a high school principal is?

You get your summers and weekends free for fishing.

So can you imagine my dismay

when I had to spend my Sunday morning,

my fishing morning, taking irate calls from parents

about a party serving alcohol to minors?

Can you imagine my dismay, Berger?

Can you imagine it?

Imagine it.

And I hope it isn't true.

Because I'd hate to see your good reputation

flushed down the toilet.

Like a snaky turd.

Berger, if this is true,

do you realize what you've done?

You've stolen from me.

You've stolen Sunday morning

when I could have been out fishing.

That's right, Berger, fishing.

Just me and those beautiful fish

waiting to be caught...

What about those fish, Berger?

Bass! And the trout?

What the hell was that, son?

- What? - Was that drugs?

Did you just pop drugs in my freaking office?

- No, no, no, no, I... - Goddamn drugs!

No! I-I-I swear, it was...

It was just drug abuse!

Pinkerton High has a strict zero-tolerance policy on drugs

and that goes double zero tolerance

for taking drugs in a freaking principal's office!

Let's see if you can clean up your act in detention.

Detention?

Pill-popping mo-frikka.

Come on, girls. You call those high kicks?

I want to see some flexibility.

I swear nobody here can even do a high kick.

Um... nice.

Yeah, your dad likes that one too.

I want to be a cheerleader.

Okay.

So far, so good.

♪ Here's a story about a hooker ♪

♪ You know so well ♪

♪ She got seven baby daddies ♪

♪ And they all in jail ♪

♪ No need to say her name ♪

♪ No need to give her fame ♪

♪ Lay back and let me take you ♪

♪ Down memory lane ♪

You in my seat, homie.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Hey, you in my other seat.

Sorry.

Hey!

I'm sorry. Is this your floor?

Nah.

Yo, ain't you that basehead

who snorted a rail right in front of the principal?

Oh, oh, no, no, no.

Yo, hell yeah!

Yo, hey, I heard about you, dog.

You crazy, homie.

- Well, I... - Ay yo!

This is that kid who threw that wild party

where all them people died!

Hey, how come you didn't invite me to that party, homie?

Come on, you's a crazy mo-frikka, man.

Yo, I thought you were some ass-kissing pussy

or something, you know what I mean?

Yo, I'm Hamilton.

Uh, I'm RJ Berger.

All right. All right.

Yo, RJ, let's bounce, man.

I want you to meet some of the homies.

Come on.

Um, we... we can... we can leave detention?

I like you, dog.

Come on. Let's roll.

Ay yo! Listen up!

I want you to meet our new homie, RJ.

RJ Berger?

Man, ain't you that kid who lit a crack pipe

in Haggerty's office?

Yeah, yeah, this is that kid.

Ay, don't let these glasses or these tiny arms fool you.

This cat is crazy.

Knew it! I knew from looking at you you were crazy.

Hey! Are you serious?

Move that piece of [bleep]!

Hey, babe, let's just go the other way.

Ay, you better listen to your mommy, pretty boy!

I think I'm gonna like you guys.

I told you. Plant the seed

and an awesome story will bloom.

Every kid in school is scared crapless of you.

Why? Dude, all I did

was take two aspirin.

Listen to me!

I don't ever want to hear those words

come out of your mouth again, all right?

We got a good thing going here, dude.

Don't ruin it by being honest.

Get in.

Come on, homie. Ride with me.

Uh, yo, Hamilton!

Uh, school is back that way, like, ten minutes ago!

Yeah.

That's why we going this way.

So much for your geometry test, bro.

Why? Is that a problem, homie?

No, no, no. That's no problem.

- Right, RJ? - No, no, no, dude.

No, it's cool. It's just, uh...

You know what I think?

I think he's not hard enough to hang with us.

- No! No. - No! No! No!

It's just... Yo, I just...

I was wantin' to go to Mr. Levy's class...

to mess with that jerk-face.

Know what I'm sayin'?

Yeah!

All right! All right, dog!

Yeah, all right, homie.

♪ Scrilla fam ♪

♪ Freak James ♪

♪ When I wake in the morning ♪

♪ The only thing I'm thinking ♪

♪ Got to get my hands on it ♪

♪ Got to get my hands on it ♪

♪ One thing you never see is my money sinking ♪

♪ Got to get my hands on it ♪

♪ Got to get my hands on it ♪

♪ No time for your games ♪

♪ Don't even smoke or drink it ♪

♪ Got to get my hands on it ♪

♪ Got to get my hands on it ♪

RJ?

Yo, I'll catch up with you homies later!

Hey, Jenny.

So what's up with you and the new posse?

Oh, uh, Hamilton's, like, this guy

I met in detention and...

Yeah, I heard about what happened

in Haggerty's office.

I have to say, I was a little surprised.

Um, can you keep a secret?

Sure.

Aspirin.

I took two aspirin

and Haggerty, like, flipped out

and now the whole school thinks I'm, like,

a meth-head or something.

Well, that's good to hear.

I like my RJ Berger meth-free.

Higher!

Stupid flip.

Great, Cassie. Who's next?

♪ You know you love it You know you need it ♪

Stupid kick high, stupid kick left,

and then the... flip!

Okay, enough, enough.

Let's just move on to the next routine, everyone.

Don't bother. I get it.

I'm the first girl cut. What a shocker.

Not at all.

I just want to lend you something.

It's my cheer notes.

It's like a cheat sheet of what works

for me for every move.

But make 'em your own.

You have to learn the moves if you want a spot on this team.

Five minutes, ladies and gentlemen.

Bring your papers up whenever you feel ready.

Mr. Berger, always the first to finish.

I smell another "A."

I hope so.

I have to tell you, I don't believe

a word of what I've heard, RJ.

You're one of my best students.

I know that you would never be caught up

in any of that hooligan nonsense.

All right!

We're at three minutes.

Class, it's... Ahh!

Oh, man, did you hear what happened to Mr. Levy?

Dude, I know.

Dude, next time you assault a teacher,

you got to tell me before so I can get the word out.

- Shut up, Miles. - This is so dope.

You keep this up and no one will ever

mess with us again.

You think you're a badass?

You know what?

Forget about the Jefferson game Friday.

I'm gonna beat your scrawny little ass.

They can't protect you forever, freak show.

You and me, we're gonna dance.

And by "dance," I mean I'm gonna beat the crap out of you.

I feel like Scarface!

Hey, Scarface didn't roll on dubs, homie.

You said "dubs."

Hey, come here, man.

So Sonya told me about your problem with pretty boy.

You one of us now, bro.

We take care of our own.

So if this punk-ass Max kid is a problem,

I'll take care of that problem for you.

Okay, next up is Lily Moran.

Thanks for letting me borrow this.

I guess I can see why RJ is obsessed with you.

You're gonna do great.

Just remember, make it your own.

Okay.

♪ Ooh-wee you ain't got no booty ♪

♪ But you still a cutie ♪

♪ So go ahead sock it to me ♪

♪ To me ooh-wee ♪

♪ Baby got a booty ♪

♪ And she got some boobies ♪

♪ So go ahead sock it to me to me ♪

♪ Black girl shake your fat ass ♪

♪ Shake that fat ass baby ♪

♪ Shake that fat ass ♪

♪ I said white girl ♪

♪ Shake your flat ass ♪

Whoa!

Whoa! Watch out.

Just take whatever you want.

I don't want no trouble.

Uh, yeah.

Let me get, uh... three scotcharoos.

Okay, seriously?

It's, like, the most fun I've ever had.

Dude, you think this is fun?

Yesterday, I told Hamilton to take care of Max.

Dude, I can't wait to see the look on that

roided-up douche's face when Hamilton just...

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

What'd you tell him?

Told him to take care of Max!

You know what "take care of" means, don't you?

Yeah, like, "take care," like, "beat up."

It means they're gonna kill him, dude.

You just ordered a hit on Max!

Come on, dude, you're just... You're messing with me.

They... they're not really gonna kill him, are they?

Well, I guess Hamilton could aim low and cripple him.

Hey, little homie. What's cracking?

Hey, uh, where's Hamilton at?

Oh, you know where he is.

He went to take care of your little problem.

Okay, I need to call it off. I don't need any problems

- taken care of. - No, no, no.

You don't call off Hamilton, RJ.

Once he gets the scent, you know, that's it.

Oh, God!

It's my hand!

Oh, God!

Oh, get it out.

What did you just do?

Me?! I was trying to stop you!

I couldn't let you kill him.

Kill him? I'm in high school, yo.

I was just gonna nail his backpack to the ceiling.

Get it out! Get it out! Get it out! Get it out!

I mean, look at this.

My shooting hand.

I'm just glad I was able to save everyone else in class.

That's what really matters.

Aww, you poor baby.

- Oh, baby, the hand! - Oh, I'm sorry.

That son of a bitch is gonna be getting sympathy BJs

from that bimbo all semester.

Don't call her bimbo, fat-ass.

Okay, so the bitch isn't such a bitch after all.

What? It's not like I want to scissor her or anything.

Unless you want me to, RJ.

Hey!

The whole school wants to kill you now, homie.

You better stick close to me.

Thanks, Hamilton, but, um...

I don't think I can be your homie anymore.

It's... it's just not me.

Lone wolf. Respect.

Lone wolf.

You're one tough little gringo, ese.

A'ight, um...

I'll see you around, RJ.

But, uh, probably not.

Nails are flying everywhere.

People are jumping, ducking, diving out of the way.

Then, bam! Ahh!

Nailed me to the board.

That guy almost killed me.

My name is RJ Berger, and crime doesn't pay.

At least not for me.

Next on The Hard Times of RJ Berger.

RJ, do I have it?

Oh, my God!

What the hell do you want, skid mark?

We need to break into a teacher's house.

Information, infiltration, extraction.

Did you hear something?

Wait!