Original subtitles

Mmm... Mm-mm!

So, uh...

RJ, um, has our little Indian neighbor shown you

her vaj majal yet?

- Rick! - What?

what he means is,

how are things going with Claire?

- Yeah. - Yeah, RJ.

How's three weeks of finally getting a girlfriend

and still not getting any treating you?

Shut up, Miles.

Hey, seriously, if I were you guys,

I'd think about covering the furniture

before Mount Saint Blue balls finally erupts.

- Miles. - Hey, hey.

What's the difference between RJ and Dick Clark?

Umm...

At least that Dick had a stroke.

Oh, that is awful.

But is, is Miles right, bud?

I mean, is that squirrel making you dance for your nut?

I really like Claire, you know?

And if she wants to wait to do that stuff, then...

It's okay with me.

No, you really like Jenny Swanson.

But if you can't hit this Claire girl slum-doggy style,

how are you ever gonna be able to get with Jenny?

You have to not be scared to go for it, right?

- You have to initiate. - Mm-hmm.

Like if you're sitting next to her, okay?

Take her hand gently in yours.

Place it in your lap.

Like so.

Oh, there's something in my hand.

Oh, yeah, she'll catch on real quick.

It's like playing your Wii.

Okay, easy, we're not trying to start a fire.

- Oh, sorry. - Yeah.

Miles, come on.

My name is RJ Berger.

And I'm never playing Wii again.

You'd think that with all the

skull fragments and blood spatters

that it would kill the sexual tension.

There's just something about Miami, I guess.

Maybe it's the heat.

Well, then perhaps

we should ditch the clothes.

Oh, I can't even look at it.

God, have you ever seen anything so hideous.

It doesn't even look like a human.

This is gonna take more

than just regular police work, Sanchez.

This is gonna take Miami police work.

Easy now, easy.

Hey, man, they have these reports.

It's a .9 millimeter casing.

Ortega, what else did CSI come up with?

It's getting kinda late, RJ.

I think I have to leave.

Wait, you sure?

Okay, bye!

Your dad's right, man.

You gotta be more aggressive.

You gotta take it out and just... bam!

Yeah. You see that, baby?

That's right, that's my D-piece. Deal with it.

Dude, I don't understand what everyone's problem is.

I don't mind that we're not doing filthy things

to each other. Claire's awesome.

And I don't wanna do anything that's gonna mess that up.

Right now, I am cool with just

enjoying each other's company.

Hey!

Are you a little girl?

- Excuse me? - Are you a little girl?!

- No. - Good.

'Cause this is the high school bus.

This bus is for big boys

- and big girls only. - Okay.

And let me give you a little piece of man to pussy advice.

When you say things like "enjoy each other's company,"

that makes dudes wanna punch you in the face.

I don't ever wanna hear that kind of talk

on my bus again, you got it?

And let me tell you something else.

I wouldn't go bragging about

how you're not getting any, either.

If I were you...

I'd start lying my scrawny little ass off.

Mm-mm.

Well... Congratulations, RJ.

You just got advice from the bus driver.

I believe that's a new low.

Stacey is just a few pushes away

from being a teenage mother.

"Harder, harder!" says the nurse.

Ironically, those were the very same words

that got Stacey in this mess nine short months ago.

Stacey sure looked sexy that night.

But now...

Ohh!

She just had a bowel movement in front of everybody

- with her last big push. - Oh, dude, what the hell?!

Congratulations, Stacey.

Too bad you can't keep the baby

and give those stretch marks up for adoption.

Blood, poop, and ruined bodies.

All righty. In the minutes remaining,

I will pull a few slips from the anonymous question bin.

Um...

"Is it weird that all I want to do

"is give my boyfriend BJ's?

Like, 24-7." Ha, all right.

Weird, well, I wouldn't call it weird.

Actually, it's pretty common.

But you might want to mix it up an eensie teensie bit.

You know, like, uh, the sidesaddle French butler,

like we talked about in class yesterday.

Mm-hmm, yeah.

Okay, next question.

"I have two girlfriends.

"They both know about each other.

"They are totally cool with it,

"and we have sex all three of us

like, a dozen times a week..."

This bin is for serious questions, you all.

Not for bragging. Next.

"Is it normal..." Mmm...

"for a boy to want to wait?"

Well...

On the record, I'm supposed to tell you that it's

totally normal for a boy to want to wait, but we're buds.

Off the record?

If boys your age want to wait,

they really should see a doctor because

they either have a serious hormone imbalance

or they have a secret craving

for the warm flesh of another fella.

Which is totally okay.

And I was like, "Hey, just call me the milkman, baby,

"'cause I'm delivering cream every day."

Cream!

What, you trying to get me to touch your titty?

Put your hand down.

So I heard, I heard Berger here's

got himself a second girlfriend, huh?

Hey, you know, besides big boy over here.

Yeah, yeah.

That, uh, that Indian girl, right?

Yeah, there's no way he's hitting that.

No, no. There's no way.

There's no way you're getting your tomahawk

anywhere near her wigwam.

Wrong Indian, douche-face.

See, see, look. You touched a nerve, man.

He's definitely getting denied.

If I were you, I'd start lying

my scrawny little ass off.

Yeah, well, actually, as a matter of fact,

I got a tugger from her last night.

Wow.

Well, look at that, huh?

RJ Berger got his nuts all... drained.

Relax, bro.

You said it, they left you alone.

- You did the right thing. - Miles, I lied.

That makes me no better than those future date rapists.

I don't wanna be the type of guy who spreads rumors.

Especially about Claire.

Dude, I spread, like, four rumors a day.

None of them ever get back to the person who...

Uh!

Have you been telling people

that I let you motorboat my boobs?

Robin, I swear to God, I never...

Courtyard after school, be there or be a bitch.

Wait, wait.

- You wanna fight me? - No.

I wanna beat you till you beg for death.

I'm sick of you spreading lies about me, Miles.

So I'm gonna spread your face across the concrete.

Ugh! Dude...

Did you hear that?

Miles. She knows my name!

You see what I mean, dude?

The rumor always gets back to the person who started it.

Now Claire's gonna find out, and it's all gonna be over.

- I'm a dead man. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- What if you didn't lie? - But I did.

As of now, yes.

But what if you can make the lie true

before she hears it?

Then you're only guilty of kissing and telling, tops.

Dude, that is...

Genius.

Make the lie true.

RJ!

- Hey. - Hey!

You don't have gym now.

No, I was going to talk to the coach

about, uh, something in his area of expertise.

Oh, something ball related, no doubt.

Yup.

I heard a disturbing rumor.

Did... did you?

Apparently, Miles is going to fight Robin Pretnar

after school today.

Oh, yeah! Oh!

Yeah, that one is spreading like wildfire.

I mean, people seem really excited about it.

Well, you know, you'd be surprised

how many people hate Miles.

It's amazing, really.

- Claire! - Oh, I gotta go.

Okay, I'll see you later.

See you.

What?

Berger, what are you doing here?

Our appointments are on Tuesdays.

Coach, um...

What's the quickest way to get a tug job?

I've hit a body before, Berger.

- And I'll do it again... - Oh, no, no, no, no, Coach.

Not, not from you.

Oh.

Well, then...

Take a seat.

All right.

Um...

I've tried, I've tried everything.

- I did the cute little jokes. - Mm-hmm.

Um, I put her... I put her hand on my...

- Yeah, yeah. - Yeah, and I...

I did the, um, the whistle move.

You know, the...

This girl slow or something?

- No. - Then stop making noises

like your Johnson's in a Saturday morning cartoon.

You only got one hope, man.

Pheromones.

- What... what? - Pheromones?

Well, I'm sorry. What's a pheromone?

It's the smell we give off

that triggers a mate's attraction.

Now, I ain't talking about your little boy musk, either.

I'm talking about the swamp rot of a real man's taint.

Think of it as, uh, nature's scented body spray.

All right? You want a tug job?

Next time you see this girl,

you make sure you stanker than a cave man's ass.

And pray two million years of evolution kicks in.

Hey, Robin.

What the hell do you want, dead man walking?

Dead man walking.

So, um, hey, I was thinking.

You know, this whole thing's

been blown way out of proportion.

Let's be honest, you don't really wanna fight me.

Wrong.

Uh, well, I mean, don't you think

it'd be a little embarrassing?

I mean, look at me and look at you.

I'm, like, three times your size.

Ah!

You're nothing but a big pussy, Miles.

Not only am I gonna beat your ass,

but I'm gonna tell the whole school

that you begged for mercy like a little bitch.

I triumphant music

This... is for us.

Thanks for agreeing to train me.

Something tells me that Robin's gonna be fighting dirty.

And well, you are the dirtiest girl I've ever met

in every conceivable way, so...

Aw, Miles, that's the sweetest thing

- you've ever said to me. - Ah, stop it.

Okay, so, like, what are some of my,

uh, like, defense options?

Well, the good news is you've got Titanic thighs

to protect your balls.

- Right. - The bad news,

you've got a lot of other wide open acreage.

- Okay. - Things to look out for...

Nails.

Oh, you'd think she'd stoop to scratching?

Not scratching, tubster.

- Digging. - Digging? Oh!

Focus, Miles.

There's a way out of this.

If you yank your arm back as hard as you can,

you'll break her nails.

Do it now!

Oh, I did it! I did...

Don't get cocky, she's got a bag full

of makeup and loose change, and she'll use it.

You gotta warn me before you do that!

Oh!

You gotta stay frosty, bitch.

What the hell?!

She's not gonna be using a stapler... Oh!

You wanna land as many ovary shots as you can.

And if you're lucky, she'll be on her period.

Okay, enough.

And last but not least,

you gotta be ready for the nuclear options.

Ahh!

And that concludes today's lesson.

♪ I'm so fresh, I'm so fresh, fresh ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm fresh, I'm so fresh, fresh ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm fresh, I'm so fresh, fresh ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm fresh, fresh, 'cause I'm fresh, fresh ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm

I do wanna go but I'm not sure if my parents will let me.

They're very strict. Where are you go...

Good afternoon, milady.

My God.

RJ, do you smell something rancid?

Rancid or irresistible?

You have a weird hair on your lip.

It's short, and red, and curly.

I was thinking a little Miami crime-fighting?

- 9:00, my house? - Oh, my God, RJ, it's you!

You smell awful.

You don't like it?

Like it? No, why on earth would I like it?

Well, give it a minute.

You know, let nature take its course.

What's the matter with you lately, RJ?

First the weird jokes, then the whistling noises,

and now these disgusting smells?

I don't think I can hang out with you tonight.

You know, perhaps we should spend a little while apart

while you sort yourself out.

Ooh...

Looking good, Berger.

♪ Funky mad lovin'

She looked at me like I'm crazy.

I mean, I'm an idiot, Miles.

She's the only girl who likes me in 15 years,

and I find a way to screw it up.

Dude, are you kidding me?

I got maced in the eyes

training to fight a girl, asshole.

Stop whining about your stupid girl troubles.

Well, well...

Stay the hell away from me.

I heard your so-called girlfriend

finally struck white gold.

Okay, that's a rumor.

And the fact that you heard that means I'm a dead man.

What the hell you talkin' about?

I told a couple of guys

that Claire gave me a pickle tickle,

and now the whole school knows.

So she didn't strike white gold?

She hasn't even started drilling.

I've tried everything.

I mean, the tricks, the innuendos, the jokes.

Have you tried asking her?

Asking her what?

I swear, boys are so stupid.

Listen, not that I like the idea

of you and what's-her-name getting it on,

but girls aren't into cutesy crap and tricks.

They like it when a guy's direct.

Exactly, dude! Bam!

That's my D-piece, baby. Deal with it!

No.

I mean, talk to her.

You idiot!

Hey.

Um, I need to talk to you.

What now, RJ?

Hey, hey, way to go, HJ Berger.

Uh, somewhere a little bit more private.

What?

Okay, so I'm gonna start by saying

that I like you.

I really like you, okay?

And these past few weeks have been...

Wow. They've been amazing.

But I promise to be straightforward with you

from here on in. And I respect

your pace and your timeline.

And I respect your body, I really do.

And you know what, I'm the first...

I'm the first to admit that I don't really know...

I don't really know when to, you know,

like, initiate things. I'm just...

I'm not the best with that type of thing.

And, and, and I want you to feel comfortable,

but I want you to know that I wanna do things to you,

and I want... mmm!

Good day, ladies and gents!

The world is alive, is it not?

There's a sort of merriment in the air.

That's the sound of half the school

waiting to see Miles get his ass kicked.

She'll back out. 100%

Miles, Miles...

I've had an epiphany.

Holy [bleep], you busted your nut, didn't you?

Indeed I did, Lily.

And when all that tension was released,

I came to a conclusion.

The world is a beautiful place.

Great, two tugs on his wang,

and he's Deepak freakin' Chopra.

Hey, fatty. It's go time.

Ready to have your lying mouth shut for good?

Look, Robin, I'd really rather not hit a girl.

Oh! Except for right now, bitch!

Hell yeah!

You know, it didn't have to be

this way, Robin.

You brought this on yourself.

Ha! Whoo!

Ow!

That all you got?

Shouldn't you stopping this?

I would, but the fat kid spread a rumor

that I use corn dogs to masturbate.

Ooh!

Ohh...

Oh [bleep].

Next time, I'll kill you!

Dude, should I get the nurse or something?

Dude...

I totally felt her boob.

Dude, I saw that. That was awesome.

RJ!

Oh, Claire, don't worry.

- He's gonna be all right. - Did you tell the whole school

I gave you a wank?

I mean, not, like, the whole... ooh, ow!

Never talk to me again, RJ!

Wait! I...

Well...

At least you got your tugger.

Yeah.

Ow!

My name is RJ Berger,

and sometimes you win the battle but lose the war.

Next on The Hard Times of RJ Berger...

RJ, I'd like you to meet your sitter.

Better get that mustache waxed, Lily.

We're having us a party.

Damn it, Miles!

I said no party.

Look at that.

Those jocks are practically circle-jerking on Jenny.

That is my babysitter.

I wish we were alone...

- right now. - Everybody out!