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1
00:00:15,431 --> 00:00:17,520
Dude, what are you
staring at?
2
00:00:17,604 --> 00:00:19,693
Did Kevin Stern take a crap
in the hallway again?
3
00:00:19,777 --> 00:00:23,041
No, dude, I think Max Owens
really blew it this time.
4
00:00:23,123 --> 00:00:25,821
- Oh...
- Oh, man!
5
00:00:25,905 --> 00:00:27,472
I wish I could read lips.
6
00:00:27,556 --> 00:00:29,471
Dude,
7
00:00:29,556 --> 00:00:31,776
reading lips is a myth created
by deaf people.
8
00:00:31,860 --> 00:00:34,428
What you need to do
is read their body language.
9
00:00:34,511 --> 00:00:36,295
Here, allow me to narrate.
10
00:00:36,379 --> 00:00:38,207
Okay, Max is saying,
11
00:00:38,292 --> 00:00:40,164
"Jenny, the only reason
I'm such a tool
12
00:00:40,248 --> 00:00:41,292
"is 'cause I was
raised by a bottle
13
00:00:41,378 --> 00:00:42,205
of self-tanning lotion."
14
00:00:42,290 --> 00:00:44,292
- Shh.
- "Oh, my God!
15
00:00:44,377 --> 00:00:47,076
You use your hands so much
when you talk."
16
00:00:47,159 --> 00:00:49,726
"Yeah, you know,
it's 'cause I'm half Italian,
17
00:00:49,809 --> 00:00:51,463
half douche bag."
18
00:00:51,548 --> 00:00:54,508
"I'm sick of your Persian-like
use of body spray.
19
00:00:54,591 --> 00:00:56,332
You smell like
a Taliban wedding."
20
00:00:56,416 --> 00:00:58,940
"Come on, jenny,
I just want to scratch my nose
21
00:00:59,024 --> 00:01:02,245
and dabble in some
bro-on-bro, bro."
22
00:01:02,327 --> 00:01:04,633
Just save it, okay? I'm done.
I don't want to hear it anymore.
23
00:01:04,717 --> 00:01:06,241
- What?
- I'm through!
24
00:01:06,326 --> 00:01:07,544
I am not
your girlfriend anymore!
25
00:01:07,629 --> 00:01:09,631
Ooh.
26
00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:14,326
Holy crap, dude.
27
00:01:14,410 --> 00:01:16,412
I think your dream girl
just updated her Facebook status
28
00:01:16,496 --> 00:01:17,845
to "single."
29
00:01:17,930 --> 00:01:19,497
My name is RJ Berger,
30
00:01:19,582 --> 00:01:21,584
and I've just updated
my status to "erect."
31
00:01:36,706 --> 00:01:39,492
Dude, this is the moment
you've been begging God for.
32
00:01:39,575 --> 00:01:41,011
Yeah, except until
this moment,
33
00:01:41,096 --> 00:01:42,880
I didn't believe
there was a God, Miles.
34
00:01:42,965 --> 00:01:46,011
I mean, what happened?
35
00:01:46,094 --> 00:01:47,574
I'll tell you what happened.
36
00:01:47,659 --> 00:01:49,530
Before school today,
little old Jenny
37
00:01:49,614 --> 00:01:51,965
went to drop off some
cupcakes in Max's locker.
38
00:01:52,049 --> 00:01:53,964
And what did she find inside?
39
00:01:54,048 --> 00:01:56,006
Max's black belt
in sucking dong?
40
00:01:56,090 --> 00:01:58,310
She found a pair
of red panties...
41
00:01:58,394 --> 00:02:01,005
panties that did not
belong to her.
42
00:02:01,089 --> 00:02:03,135
- Oho-ho-ho.
- What?
43
00:02:03,219 --> 00:02:05,525
I mean, I just...
I don't understand.
44
00:02:05,608 --> 00:02:08,437
I mean, who would ever cheat
on Jenny Swanson?
45
00:02:08,520 --> 00:02:11,175
Show me a hot chick,
and I'll show you a dude
46
00:02:11,259 --> 00:02:12,478
who's sick of getting
tuggers from her.
47
00:02:12,563 --> 00:02:14,173
Is that why you switch hands
every few months?
48
00:02:14,258 --> 00:02:15,607
If you're trying to get me
49
00:02:15,692 --> 00:02:17,912
to apologize for my love
of masturbation,
50
00:02:17,996 --> 00:02:19,258
it ain't gonna happen.
51
00:02:19,343 --> 00:02:21,606
You know what I love
about breakups?
52
00:02:21,690 --> 00:02:22,778
The aftermath.
53
00:02:22,863 --> 00:02:24,648
The guy's friends tell him
54
00:02:24,733 --> 00:02:27,083
what a snobby bitch
his girl was...
55
00:02:27,166 --> 00:02:28,733
I'm telling you, bro,
56
00:02:28,818 --> 00:02:30,472
Jenny is stuck
the "F" up, man.
57
00:02:30,557 --> 00:02:32,341
You need to get yourself
a nice, subservient girl.
58
00:02:32,425 --> 00:02:33,949
Hey, dude, I dated
this one chick
59
00:02:34,034 --> 00:02:35,296
who would get me off,
and then she would wash
60
00:02:35,381 --> 00:02:37,296
my boxers for me.
61
00:02:37,380 --> 00:02:40,252
Hey, what about my sister?
I mean, she's not hot,
62
00:02:40,335 --> 00:02:42,685
but, dude, she's got these
perky A-cups coming in.
63
00:02:42,769 --> 00:02:44,032
Just boo-doo-doo-doo-doo.
64
00:02:44,117 --> 00:02:45,466
Boom!
65
00:02:45,551 --> 00:02:46,639
Hey, look, it'd be an honor.
66
00:02:46,725 --> 00:02:48,335
And the chick's BFFs
67
00:02:48,419 --> 00:02:51,509
hug her tight and tell her
what a total prick her man was.
68
00:02:51,592 --> 00:02:52,942
I mean, sure, Max is hot,
69
00:02:53,027 --> 00:02:54,593
but he treated you
like garbage, Jenny.
70
00:02:54,678 --> 00:02:56,593
You can do so much better.
71
00:02:56,677 --> 00:02:58,157
And talk about "himbo."
72
00:02:58,242 --> 00:02:59,591
I heard that he's so stupid
73
00:02:59,676 --> 00:03:01,461
that he sometimes forgets
to breathe.
74
00:03:03,371 --> 00:03:05,155
And then there's
the random dudes
75
00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:08,635
who come out of the woodwork
to take a stab at the sad girl.
76
00:03:08,717 --> 00:03:10,371
And here's our first contestant.
77
00:03:10,456 --> 00:03:12,893
Jed, the unwashed
surfer poet.
78
00:03:12,976 --> 00:03:14,891
Hey, what's up?
79
00:03:14,975 --> 00:03:16,498
You better go take a shot
before it's too late, dude!
80
00:03:16,583 --> 00:03:18,324
Um, I'm not gonna go
stand in line
81
00:03:18,409 --> 00:03:20,455
with a bunch of vultures.
82
00:03:20,539 --> 00:03:21,888
I'm not that...
83
00:03:24,711 --> 00:03:26,713
Not that pathetic.
84
00:03:26,797 --> 00:03:28,233
Thank you very much.
85
00:03:30,188 --> 00:03:32,059
So where are you going?
86
00:03:36,273 --> 00:03:38,579
Christ, Berger,
if I wanted somebody
87
00:03:38,662 --> 00:03:39,925
to fondle the same jockstrap
over and over,
88
00:03:40,010 --> 00:03:41,968
I'd put an ad on Craigslist.
89
00:03:42,053 --> 00:03:44,403
- What's your deal?
- I'm sorry, Coach.
90
00:03:44,486 --> 00:03:46,880
Uh, just a little distracted
by the news
91
00:03:46,964 --> 00:03:48,705
about Max and Jenny.
92
00:03:48,790 --> 00:03:49,791
Yeah, yeah, I heard that.
93
00:03:49,876 --> 00:03:51,922
You know what else I heard?
94
00:03:52,006 --> 00:03:53,311
Sa-wish.
95
00:03:53,396 --> 00:03:54,920
Max taking
his frustrations out
96
00:03:55,005 --> 00:03:57,181
from three-point land.
97
00:03:57,265 --> 00:03:58,831
Boy can't miss.
98
00:03:58,917 --> 00:04:01,180
Hope he stays pissed through
the game on Friday.
99
00:04:02,480 --> 00:04:04,874
What's Max and Jenny
gotta do with you?
100
00:04:04,958 --> 00:04:06,612
Well, I-I know it's stupid,
101
00:04:06,696 --> 00:04:09,394
but I can't help but think
102
00:04:09,478 --> 00:04:11,045
who Jenny might, you know,
be with next.
103
00:04:11,129 --> 00:04:13,697
It could be anybody, son.
104
00:04:13,781 --> 00:04:14,477
- Really?
- Yeah.
105
00:04:14,563 --> 00:04:17,697
Anybody but you.
106
00:04:17,779 --> 00:04:20,347
Berger, as your
guidance counselor,
107
00:04:20,431 --> 00:04:22,433
I feel it's my duty
to tell you this.
108
00:04:22,517 --> 00:04:25,694
I got a better chance
of getting up in Beyoncé's guts
109
00:04:25,776 --> 00:04:27,604
than you got of getting with
that piece of a-double-s.
110
00:04:30,123 --> 00:04:31,951
I guess you're right.
111
00:04:32,035 --> 00:04:34,429
No, don't get all
hangdog on me.
112
00:04:34,513 --> 00:04:36,558
Now, I suppose everybody's got
113
00:04:36,642 --> 00:04:39,254
a one-in-a-million shot
at his dream coming true.
114
00:04:39,337 --> 00:04:40,991
You know what my dream is?
115
00:04:43,639 --> 00:04:46,207
Turning $2 into $7,000.
116
00:04:55,461 --> 00:04:56,506
I don't believe it.
117
00:04:56,592 --> 00:04:58,420
What, you won?
118
00:04:58,504 --> 00:05:02,247
No, I lost, just like
I lose every day.
119
00:05:02,329 --> 00:05:03,983
And that, Berger, is life.
120
00:05:04,067 --> 00:05:06,417
You want dreams,
take a nap.
121
00:05:06,501 --> 00:05:08,416
There...
122
00:05:08,500 --> 00:05:10,806
consider yourself
"guidanced."
123
00:05:19,410 --> 00:05:20,890
Oh, my God!
124
00:05:20,975 --> 00:05:23,499
Is that a lump?
125
00:05:23,582 --> 00:05:25,758
It's muscle.
126
00:05:25,842 --> 00:05:28,540
Hey, little buddy,
where'd you come from?
127
00:05:28,623 --> 00:05:30,582
Max is
my best friend,
128
00:05:30,666 --> 00:05:32,233
but Jenny Swanson
is fine.
129
00:05:32,318 --> 00:05:34,015
So you know I'm gonna take
a crack at that.
130
00:05:34,100 --> 00:05:35,449
Okay, okay.
And get rejected
131
00:05:35,534 --> 00:05:37,972
- like all those fools at lunch?
- Come on, man.
132
00:05:38,055 --> 00:05:39,795
You don't go after a girl
right after the breakup.
133
00:05:39,881 --> 00:05:41,665
You got to give that
anger some time to, uh,
134
00:05:41,749 --> 00:05:43,229
ripen into vulnerability.
135
00:05:43,314 --> 00:05:44,315
Yeah, it takes a while
for those tears
136
00:05:44,401 --> 00:05:45,445
to run down her body
and into her panties.
137
00:05:47,182 --> 00:05:48,749
All I know is
whoever's with that girl
138
00:05:48,834 --> 00:05:50,227
on Friday night is gonna...
139
00:05:50,312 --> 00:05:52,531
"Bone her 100%."
140
00:05:52,615 --> 00:05:54,530
Now, that's what the meatheads
in the locker room said.
141
00:05:54,614 --> 00:05:56,399
Dude, that could be you!
142
00:05:56,483 --> 00:05:59,399
Oh, my God.
143
00:05:59,482 --> 00:06:02,311
Oh, have you ever run before?
It totally sucks.
144
00:06:02,394 --> 00:06:03,830
Miles, it doesn't
matter if it's me
145
00:06:03,915 --> 00:06:05,743
or some Mountain Dew-che bag.
146
00:06:05,828 --> 00:06:07,438
Jenny Swanson's not
gonna say yes,
147
00:06:07,522 --> 00:06:08,872
no matter who asks her out.
148
00:06:08,958 --> 00:06:10,394
Oh, I don't know, man.
149
00:06:10,478 --> 00:06:13,611
Heartbroken girls
make some bad decisions.
150
00:06:13,694 --> 00:06:16,306
And you, my friend, could be
that bad decision.
151
00:06:16,389 --> 00:06:17,433
- Oh, yeah, okay.
- But not if you don't
152
00:06:17,519 --> 00:06:18,738
hurry up and nuzzle up to her
153
00:06:18,823 --> 00:06:20,303
before one of those
jackasses does.
154
00:06:20,388 --> 00:06:22,477
It's not gonna happen,
Miles, okay?
155
00:06:22,561 --> 00:06:24,911
I have a better chance
of lightning striking my balls
156
00:06:24,995 --> 00:06:27,519
than I do of getting anywhere
near that beautiful girl.
157
00:06:27,602 --> 00:06:29,778
Well, looks like
Ben Franklin
158
00:06:29,863 --> 00:06:31,865
just tied a kite to your nuts.
159
00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:43,426
- Hey, RJ.
- Hey, Jenny.
160
00:06:43,510 --> 00:06:44,816
How are you?
161
00:06:44,901 --> 00:06:46,947
Um, I'm okay.
162
00:06:47,031 --> 00:06:49,903
Uh, listen, I was wondering
if you have time
163
00:06:49,986 --> 00:06:51,683
for an extra
study-buddy session this week.
164
00:06:51,767 --> 00:06:54,901
Sure. Uh, when?
165
00:06:54,984 --> 00:06:57,117
I was thinking Friday night.
166
00:06:57,201 --> 00:06:59,986
W-what about the big game?
167
00:07:00,069 --> 00:07:01,636
Yeah, cheering for Max
168
00:07:01,721 --> 00:07:04,245
is, um, kind of the last thing
I want to be doing.
169
00:07:04,328 --> 00:07:06,374
But I don't want to sit home
on a Friday night either.
170
00:07:06,459 --> 00:07:08,983
So if it's cool,
I'd like to hang out...
171
00:07:09,066 --> 00:07:11,590
um, me, you,
couple textbooks.
172
00:07:11,673 --> 00:07:13,980
Yeah.
173
00:07:14,064 --> 00:07:15,196
Uh, I'll bring
the highlighters.
174
00:07:17,933 --> 00:07:20,326
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
175
00:07:22,540 --> 00:07:24,672
Dude, you are going
176
00:07:24,756 --> 00:07:27,194
to study herbrainsout!
177
00:07:27,277 --> 00:07:30,889
Hoo.
178
00:07:30,971 --> 00:07:33,539
Yo, Miles,
lose it or leave it?
179
00:07:33,623 --> 00:07:36,017
Dude, that's "lose it."
180
00:07:36,100 --> 00:07:37,623
Dude, we gotta transform
this place
181
00:07:37,708 --> 00:07:39,318
into a love palace,
all right?
182
00:07:39,403 --> 00:07:40,796
Last time you studied with her,
183
00:07:40,881 --> 00:07:42,056
it was all business.
184
00:07:42,141 --> 00:07:44,491
Friday it's got to be
all pleasure.
185
00:07:44,575 --> 00:07:46,447
Oh, and lose the frog.
186
00:07:46,531 --> 00:07:47,619
It's a mojo killer.
187
00:07:47,705 --> 00:07:48,532
Absolutely not.
188
00:07:48,617 --> 00:07:49,400
Wolverine is, like, family.
189
00:07:51,356 --> 00:07:53,706
Okay, I see what angle
you're going with.
190
00:07:53,789 --> 00:07:56,618
Jenny is the sexy princess,
191
00:07:56,701 --> 00:07:58,703
and you're the wart-covered frog
she kisses.
192
00:07:58,788 --> 00:08:00,268
That's genius, man!
193
00:08:02,091 --> 00:08:05,050
All right, now, talk me
through your plan, all right?
194
00:08:05,133 --> 00:08:08,397
How are you gonna go from,
"Hey, Jenny, you look super,"
195
00:08:08,479 --> 00:08:10,917
to...
196
00:08:12,435 --> 00:08:15,612
"Yeah, oh, that's it,
that's it"?
197
00:08:15,695 --> 00:08:18,045
Miles, I'm... I'm...
I'm simply going
198
00:08:18,128 --> 00:08:19,956
to make her feel comfortable,
199
00:08:20,041 --> 00:08:22,739
and then should,
you know, that happen,
200
00:08:22,823 --> 00:08:24,346
you know, that's cool too.
201
00:08:24,431 --> 00:08:25,824
Right, yeah, yeah,
that's... that's great.
202
00:08:25,909 --> 00:08:27,954
Make her feel comfortable.
203
00:08:28,038 --> 00:08:30,475
Or you could try to
make her feel...
204
00:08:30,559 --> 00:08:31,604
♪ Come-fortable ♪
205
00:08:31,689 --> 00:08:32,646
All right?
206
00:08:32,732 --> 00:08:35,474
Check this out, all right?
207
00:08:35,557 --> 00:08:37,646
To the casual observer,
208
00:08:37,730 --> 00:08:39,820
this is just
a biology book.
209
00:08:39,904 --> 00:08:41,819
But when Jenny
opens it, bam!
210
00:08:41,903 --> 00:08:43,078
- Whoa!
- All right?
211
00:08:43,163 --> 00:08:45,339
The anatomy section's
in 3-D, baby.
212
00:08:45,423 --> 00:08:47,555
No glasses required,
goggles optional.
213
00:08:47,639 --> 00:08:49,598
Miles, I'm not gonna trick her
into touching my penis.
214
00:08:49,683 --> 00:08:51,554
Technically, you're only
215
00:08:51,638 --> 00:08:53,118
tricking her into
looking at it.
216
00:08:53,203 --> 00:08:55,205
Okay, Miles, I'm not tricking
her into anything, okay?
217
00:08:55,289 --> 00:08:57,248
I want her to like me as I am,
frog and all.
218
00:08:57,332 --> 00:08:59,987
Bro, we're
on the same page.
219
00:09:00,071 --> 00:09:01,812
- Ah.
- Oh.
220
00:09:01,896 --> 00:09:03,811
You know,
that should have hurt,
221
00:09:03,895 --> 00:09:05,287
but it kind of just,
like, turtled back in.
222
00:09:06,719 --> 00:09:08,591
Do it again.
223
00:09:13,848 --> 00:09:15,458
No, you may not cry
in my office.
224
00:09:15,543 --> 00:09:19,069
Actually, I was going to ask
if I could have Friday night off
225
00:09:19,151 --> 00:09:21,153
from towel-boy duty.
226
00:09:21,237 --> 00:09:22,281
What, they having
a midnight sale
227
00:09:22,366 --> 00:09:23,193
at the American Girl store?
228
00:09:23,279 --> 00:09:25,368
Um, no.
229
00:09:25,452 --> 00:09:28,064
Uh, Jenny Swanson asked me
230
00:09:28,147 --> 00:09:30,932
to study with her
Friday night.
231
00:09:31,016 --> 00:09:33,366
Well, look at you.
232
00:09:33,449 --> 00:09:35,669
Had you pegged
as a benchwarmer, Berger,
233
00:09:35,753 --> 00:09:37,407
and you just went and snatched
yourself a rebound.
234
00:09:37,492 --> 00:09:40,060
Um, what's a... what's a...
what's a rebound?
235
00:09:40,143 --> 00:09:41,492
Like grabbing a girl
after some dude's
236
00:09:41,577 --> 00:09:43,709
just bounced her
off a backboard, you know?
237
00:09:45,794 --> 00:09:47,360
Reminds me of Sharice Dupre.
238
00:09:47,444 --> 00:09:51,100
Mm. She was the Jenny Swanson
of my high school.
239
00:09:51,182 --> 00:09:53,184
Only Blacker...
240
00:09:53,268 --> 00:09:55,531
and even more
ba-dunk-alicious.
241
00:10:03,135 --> 00:10:05,964
Man, that dime piece
was horny.
242
00:10:06,047 --> 00:10:10,747
You sure you want
to do that?
243
00:10:10,828 --> 00:10:12,743
- Mmm.
- And hungry.
244
00:10:12,827 --> 00:10:14,742
Thanks for the popsicle.
245
00:10:14,826 --> 00:10:16,393
Ain't no thing.
246
00:10:16,478 --> 00:10:18,480
Ain't you afraid of Lester?
247
00:10:18,564 --> 00:10:23,134
Hell, no. Jeriba Sinclair
ain't afraid of nobody.
248
00:10:23,215 --> 00:10:24,956
Who the hell bought you
that popsicle?
249
00:10:25,040 --> 00:10:26,955
- He did. He fronting.
- Huh?
250
00:10:27,040 --> 00:10:29,433
Lester was a bad mofo...
251
00:10:29,516 --> 00:10:30,343
the kind of brother
who'd beat up his mama
252
00:10:30,429 --> 00:10:31,256
for making his bed wrong.
253
00:10:37,687 --> 00:10:38,732
Since when is throwing
a trash can
254
00:10:38,818 --> 00:10:40,907
onto somebody a crime?
255
00:10:40,991 --> 00:10:42,906
We got an anonymous tip
that you were selling
256
00:10:42,990 --> 00:10:44,252
bootleg Milli Vanilli
cassettes.
257
00:10:44,337 --> 00:10:46,296
Oh, Lord,
258
00:10:46,380 --> 00:10:48,904
I need a kleenex and a new man.
259
00:10:48,988 --> 00:10:52,644
There, there.
You'll be fine.
260
00:10:52,726 --> 00:10:53,858
You want some more popsicle?
261
00:10:53,943 --> 00:10:56,293
Mm-hmm.
262
00:10:57,506 --> 00:11:00,248
Hey.
263
00:11:00,331 --> 00:11:02,333
Don't you see, Berger?
264
00:11:02,418 --> 00:11:05,900
With Lester out of the picture
and Sharice vulnerable,
265
00:11:05,982 --> 00:11:08,942
I was able to grab that rebound
and drive to the hole.
266
00:11:09,025 --> 00:11:13,203
And drive and drive
and drive.
267
00:11:13,284 --> 00:11:14,851
I mean, sure,
it only lasted one weekend,
268
00:11:14,936 --> 00:11:17,765
but, [bleep], that's the great
thing about rebounds.
269
00:11:17,848 --> 00:11:20,807
Get in, you get in some more,
270
00:11:20,890 --> 00:11:23,110
and then you get out.
271
00:11:23,193 --> 00:11:26,152
All right, I think
I grasped the general concept.
272
00:11:26,235 --> 00:11:28,542
Um, but what if I want
to be, you know,
273
00:11:28,626 --> 00:11:29,453
more than a rebound?
274
00:11:29,539 --> 00:11:32,411
What?
275
00:11:32,494 --> 00:11:34,888
Don't be a fool, Berger.
276
00:11:34,971 --> 00:11:35,929
Just be glad
you're in the game.
277
00:11:40,230 --> 00:11:42,755
"Drive to the hole"?
Did he really say that?
278
00:11:42,839 --> 00:11:44,841
- Indeed, he did.
- Hot fuss!
279
00:11:44,925 --> 00:11:47,057
That guy loves
his vagina metaphors.
280
00:11:47,141 --> 00:11:48,490
You know, maybe he's right.
You know, maybe I need
281
00:11:48,575 --> 00:11:50,403
to be more aggressive
with Jenny.
282
00:11:50,487 --> 00:11:53,055
Um, that's what I've
been saying all along, dude.
283
00:11:53,139 --> 00:11:56,447
Okay, so wait.
I hope you don't mind,
284
00:11:56,529 --> 00:11:58,531
but I was in English class today
and I was thinking
285
00:11:58,615 --> 00:12:00,660
about your Friday night
study-buddy date,
286
00:12:00,746 --> 00:12:03,313
and I wrote the perfect poem
for you to read to her tonight.
287
00:12:03,396 --> 00:12:04,963
I'm sorry.
288
00:12:05,048 --> 00:12:07,747
You wrote me a poem
to read to her?
289
00:12:07,830 --> 00:12:10,310
Yeah. Dude, chicks
go crazy for rhymes.
290
00:12:10,393 --> 00:12:11,873
Why do you think rappers
get so much panini?
291
00:12:15,044 --> 00:12:16,829
"Jenny, I think
you're really neat.
292
00:12:16,914 --> 00:12:19,481
"And unlike Max,
I'd never cheat.
293
00:12:19,564 --> 00:12:21,958
"So let's use that pain
and get our nut.
294
00:12:22,042 --> 00:12:23,435
Please let me stick it
in your ample..."
295
00:12:23,520 --> 00:12:24,739
- Miles!
- What?
296
00:12:24,824 --> 00:12:27,304
Dude, Hi'm just
so excited for you.
297
00:12:27,387 --> 00:12:30,042
I mean, of all the rebounds
Jenny could've chosen,
298
00:12:30,126 --> 00:12:32,259
she picked you to go out with
Friday night.
299
00:12:32,343 --> 00:12:34,998
Dude, you are gonna cram
that nuclear sub of yours
300
00:12:35,081 --> 00:12:36,604
into her pink harbor.
301
00:12:36,689 --> 00:12:38,517
You're gonna crash
that double-decker bus
302
00:12:38,601 --> 00:12:40,342
into her roundabout.
303
00:12:40,427 --> 00:12:42,951
You are gonna land
that jumbo blimp of yours
304
00:12:43,034 --> 00:12:44,949
- onto her blonde AstroTurf.
- Dude!
305
00:12:45,034 --> 00:12:48,255
Okay, okay.
I'm just saying.
306
00:12:48,337 --> 00:12:51,514
There's nothing that
can stop you now.
307
00:13:01,985 --> 00:13:04,552
- Ah!
- Someone set me up, Berger.
308
00:13:08,286 --> 00:13:09,548
Why haven't you
hit me yet?
309
00:13:11,242 --> 00:13:12,765
'Cause you're gonna help me.
310
00:13:12,850 --> 00:13:14,373
I'm gonna help you?
311
00:13:14,458 --> 00:13:16,417
Listen, tripod,
312
00:13:16,501 --> 00:13:18,677
I didn't cheat
on Jenny, all right?
313
00:13:18,761 --> 00:13:20,197
But someone wants her
to think I did.
314
00:13:20,282 --> 00:13:22,197
Who?
315
00:13:22,281 --> 00:13:25,067
I don't know,
someone who hates me,
316
00:13:25,150 --> 00:13:26,281
someone who wants her
for himself
317
00:13:26,366 --> 00:13:27,585
and is smart enough
to set me up.
318
00:13:27,671 --> 00:13:30,456
You just described me.
319
00:13:30,539 --> 00:13:32,324
No.
320
00:13:32,408 --> 00:13:34,018
No way.
321
00:13:34,103 --> 00:13:35,235
This guy had balls.
322
00:13:35,320 --> 00:13:37,801
How do I know
you didn't cheat?
323
00:13:37,885 --> 00:13:39,669
'Cause...
324
00:13:39,753 --> 00:13:42,713
look at the size
of these things.
325
00:13:42,796 --> 00:13:44,667
- "Medium."
- Exactly.
326
00:13:44,752 --> 00:13:46,406
I don't fatties.
327
00:13:46,490 --> 00:13:47,970
I see your horrible point.
328
00:13:48,055 --> 00:13:51,493
Great. So tell Jenny
I didn't cheat.
329
00:13:51,575 --> 00:13:54,099
Why do you needme
to do it?
330
00:13:54,183 --> 00:13:57,839
Because I said so.
331
00:14:04,136 --> 00:14:06,616
I'm gonna go shoot some hoops
before the game tomorrow.
332
00:14:06,701 --> 00:14:08,180
Strangest thing is...
333
00:14:08,265 --> 00:14:11,399
since Jenny dumped me...
334
00:14:11,481 --> 00:14:12,700
I can't miss.
335
00:14:17,219 --> 00:14:19,612
Don't disappoint me, freak.
336
00:15:15,328 --> 00:15:17,591
Son of a bitch.
337
00:15:17,676 --> 00:15:19,721
Max was telling the truth.
338
00:15:22,456 --> 00:15:24,458
Bravo, Scooby-Doo.
339
00:15:24,542 --> 00:15:25,761
You got me.
340
00:15:25,846 --> 00:15:27,848
Yeah, I set up Max,
341
00:15:27,933 --> 00:15:30,065
just like I set up Lester
back in the day.
342
00:15:30,149 --> 00:15:32,108
There were no bootleg
Milli Vanilli cassettes.
343
00:15:32,192 --> 00:15:33,410
But that didn't stop me
from dropping a dime
344
00:15:33,495 --> 00:15:34,845
and saying there was.
345
00:15:34,930 --> 00:15:36,322
They let you be
a guidance counselor?
346
00:15:36,407 --> 00:15:37,757
Man, you should be
thanking me.
347
00:15:37,842 --> 00:15:39,321
Now you get Jenny
on the rebound.
348
00:15:39,406 --> 00:15:41,626
- But Max didn't cheat.
- Oh, Max cheated, all right.
349
00:15:41,710 --> 00:15:43,103
Max cheated on basketball.
350
00:15:43,188 --> 00:15:45,277
And basketball
is a jealous mistress.
351
00:15:45,361 --> 00:15:46,797
So am I.
352
00:15:46,882 --> 00:15:48,492
Me and basketball
get real ornery
353
00:15:48,577 --> 00:15:50,318
watching Max chase around
that squeeze box.
354
00:15:52,054 --> 00:15:54,230
Wait, you ain't thinking
about telling her?
355
00:15:54,314 --> 00:15:55,664
It's the right thing to do.
356
00:15:55,749 --> 00:15:57,968
The right thing to do
is Jenny Swanson.
357
00:15:58,052 --> 00:15:59,445
You don't tell her
the truth.
358
00:15:59,530 --> 00:16:00,879
You grab that rebound,
359
00:16:00,964 --> 00:16:02,705
and then you hump
the ba-Jesus out of it.
360
00:16:02,789 --> 00:16:05,487
So the only way I get Jenny
is to lie to her.
361
00:16:05,571 --> 00:16:06,834
Who cares how you get her?
362
00:16:06,919 --> 00:16:08,485
You don't turn down
a dream night
363
00:16:08,570 --> 00:16:10,442
with your dream girl.
364
00:16:10,526 --> 00:16:12,136
You ask yourself,
you gonna shoot
365
00:16:12,221 --> 00:16:13,788
an air ball tonight,
366
00:16:13,872 --> 00:16:15,569
or are you gonna get yourself
367
00:16:15,655 --> 00:16:17,439
a piece of that
sweet swish?
368
00:16:20,088 --> 00:16:21,655
Hey.
369
00:16:21,740 --> 00:16:23,872
You look nice.
370
00:16:23,956 --> 00:16:25,088
You look very nice.
371
00:16:25,173 --> 00:16:26,391
Thank you.
372
00:16:26,476 --> 00:16:27,826
May I take m'lady's bag
for her?
373
00:16:27,911 --> 00:16:29,086
- What?
- Nothing.
374
00:16:31,301 --> 00:16:35,088
All right, here's the big
game plan for tonight.
375
00:16:35,169 --> 00:16:38,694
Pass the damn ball to Max.
376
00:16:38,777 --> 00:16:41,258
Ready?
One, two, three.
377
00:16:41,341 --> 00:16:42,777
- Pass it to Max!
- All right.
378
00:16:44,601 --> 00:16:47,212
"The mitochondria are
the power plants of the cell."
379
00:16:47,295 --> 00:16:49,384
Blah, blah, blah.
I'm sorry, RJ.
380
00:16:49,468 --> 00:16:51,819
I'm just really not in the mood
to study right now.
381
00:16:53,293 --> 00:16:54,381
Do you mind
if I vent for a minute?
382
00:16:54,466 --> 00:16:55,642
Vent away.
383
00:16:59,161 --> 00:17:00,902
It's just that I never...
384
00:17:02,725 --> 00:17:04,465
Hold that thought.
385
00:17:08,288 --> 00:17:09,725
Did you get my present?
386
00:17:09,810 --> 00:17:11,289
Hi, Grandma.
Not the best time.
387
00:17:11,373 --> 00:17:13,288
Under the pillow.
388
00:17:13,373 --> 00:17:15,332
Oh, what's that
about, Grandma?
389
00:17:15,416 --> 00:17:16,678
It's a roofie, dude.
390
00:17:16,763 --> 00:17:17,982
Remember how my brother
391
00:17:18,067 --> 00:17:19,459
had that job
cleaning up crime scenes?
392
00:17:19,544 --> 00:17:20,458
Uh, I love you too.
393
00:17:20,544 --> 00:17:23,504
Okay, be well.
394
00:17:23,587 --> 00:17:25,371
You were saying?
395
00:17:25,455 --> 00:17:28,894
Um, yeah, it's just,
you know,
396
00:17:28,977 --> 00:17:32,458
I never thought that
Max was the cheating type.
397
00:17:32,540 --> 00:17:33,716
I guess I was wrong.
398
00:17:42,233 --> 00:17:44,235
It's Max.
399
00:17:44,319 --> 00:17:45,799
"Haven't missed a shot,
but missing you.
400
00:17:45,884 --> 00:17:47,799
P.S., Didn't cheat."
401
00:17:47,883 --> 00:17:49,449
Can you believe him?
402
00:17:49,534 --> 00:17:52,320
- He's such a liar.
- Pants on fire, that guy.
403
00:17:52,403 --> 00:17:54,231
Thinks he can just make up
for sleeping around
404
00:17:54,315 --> 00:17:56,230
with a text message.
405
00:17:56,314 --> 00:17:57,576
I can't believe
I trusted him.
406
00:17:57,662 --> 00:18:00,056
I'm done with guys like that.
407
00:18:07,440 --> 00:18:10,400
- Jenny...
- RJ, you're a good guy.
408
00:18:10,483 --> 00:18:12,790
You have a good heart.
409
00:18:17,481 --> 00:18:19,962
You're not the lying type.
410
00:18:20,045 --> 00:18:23,396
Jenny...
411
00:18:23,479 --> 00:18:25,350
um...
412
00:18:25,434 --> 00:18:27,785
there's something I should...
I should really tell you.
413
00:18:36,822 --> 00:18:38,302
Whoa, time, time, time.
414
00:18:38,386 --> 00:18:39,343
Time! Time!
415
00:18:39,429 --> 00:18:41,214
Yes!
416
00:18:46,644 --> 00:18:49,995
All right, listen...
417
00:18:50,078 --> 00:18:52,777
we're all tied up
with ten seconds to go.
418
00:18:52,860 --> 00:18:54,122
I don't know,
how about we pass it
419
00:18:54,207 --> 00:18:56,731
to the guy who can't miss?
420
00:18:56,814 --> 00:18:59,817
Max, you just think of Jenny
421
00:18:59,900 --> 00:19:01,119
and shoot your
sad, sad heart
422
00:19:01,204 --> 00:19:02,901
through that hoop
one more time.
423
00:19:02,986 --> 00:19:04,248
- Okay, buddy?
- You got it, coach.
424
00:19:04,333 --> 00:19:06,814
Ready?
425
00:19:11,375 --> 00:19:12,811
Max!
426
00:19:14,069 --> 00:19:15,723
Max!
427
00:19:18,764 --> 00:19:21,767
- Jenny!
- Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
428
00:19:32,150 --> 00:19:33,891
RJ told me everything.
429
00:19:33,975 --> 00:19:36,543
I'm so sorry.
Will you have me back?
430
00:19:36,626 --> 00:19:39,107
You know it, sweet ass.
431
00:19:41,233 --> 00:19:42,931
So you didn't have
a chance, huh?
432
00:19:43,016 --> 00:19:45,366
Actually, for a moment,
433
00:19:45,449 --> 00:19:48,017
I think I did.
434
00:19:48,101 --> 00:19:49,537
So you blew it, then?
435
00:19:49,622 --> 00:19:52,582
Miles, I want her more than
anything in the world...
436
00:19:52,665 --> 00:19:54,667
but not the way
437
00:19:54,751 --> 00:19:55,882
I was gonna get it tonight.
438
00:19:55,967 --> 00:19:58,753
Man, they are really
going at it.
439
00:19:58,836 --> 00:20:01,403
I mean, they do not care
that everyone here is watching.
440
00:20:01,487 --> 00:20:02,576
You got to wonder at this point
if he's just gonna poke her
441
00:20:02,661 --> 00:20:04,880
right there on the court.
442
00:20:04,964 --> 00:20:07,271
Hey, on the bright side,
443
00:20:07,355 --> 00:20:08,835
he might be too busy
with Jenny
444
00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:10,486
to whup your ass for a while.
445
00:20:10,571 --> 00:20:12,007
- I could use a break.
- Berger!
446
00:20:12,092 --> 00:20:14,094
Oh, got to go.
447
00:20:16,091 --> 00:20:17,832
You sure cornholed me
this time.
448
00:20:17,916 --> 00:20:19,700
I'm gonna make you pay.
449
00:20:19,785 --> 00:20:21,831
You think your sorry-ass life
sucks right now?
450
00:20:21,915 --> 00:20:24,047
You're gonna need
two gallons ofpenicillin
451
00:20:24,131 --> 00:20:25,306
to get rid of the hurt
I'm gonna put on you.
452
00:20:25,391 --> 00:20:26,654
You understand?
I wanna see you...
453
00:20:26,740 --> 00:20:27,871
My name is RJ Berger.
454
00:20:27,956 --> 00:20:29,305
...at 4:30 sharp.
455
00:20:29,390 --> 00:20:30,827
And sometimes
the truth hurts.
456
00:20:30,912 --> 00:20:32,261
I want you on your
hands and knees,
457
00:20:32,346 --> 00:20:35,654
cleaning this basketball court
top to bottom.
458
00:20:35,736 --> 00:20:37,651
Next on The Hard Times
of RJ Berger...
459
00:20:37,736 --> 00:20:39,825
I'm RJ Berger.
460
00:20:39,909 --> 00:20:42,259
Is that one of those
purity rings?
461
00:20:42,342 --> 00:20:45,998
Guess who's little neighbor
is a hugeprude.
462
00:20:46,080 --> 00:20:47,864
Everyone knows
that purity girls
463
00:20:47,949 --> 00:20:49,298
are thehugestsluts
in school.
464
00:20:49,383 --> 00:20:51,342
Why do you want to join
the purity club?
465
00:20:51,426 --> 00:20:52,949
I was kind of surprised
when you joined.
466
00:20:53,034 --> 00:20:54,819
Do you mind
if I say grace first?
32972
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