Original subtitles

Dude, what are you staring at?

Did Kevin Stern take a crap in the hallway again?

No, dude, I think Max Owens really blew it this time.

- Oh... - Oh, man!

I wish I could read lips.

Dude,

reading lips is a myth created by deaf people.

What you need to do is read their body language.

Here, allow me to narrate.

Okay, Max is saying,

"Jenny, the only reason I'm such a tool

"is 'cause I was raised by a bottle

of self-tanning lotion."

- Shh. - "Oh, my God!

You use your hands so much when you talk."

"Yeah, you know, it's 'cause I'm half Italian,

half douche bag."

"I'm sick of your Persian-like use of body spray.

You smell like a Taliban wedding."

"Come on, jenny, I just want to scratch my nose

and dabble in some bro-on-bro, bro."

Just save it, okay? I'm done. I don't want to hear it anymore.

- What? - I'm through!

I am not your girlfriend anymore!

Ooh.

Holy crap, dude.

I think your dream girl just updated her Facebook status

to "single."

My name is RJ Berger,

and I've just updated my status to "erect."

Dude, this is the moment you've been begging God for.

Yeah, except until this moment,

I didn't believe there was a God, Miles.

I mean, what happened?

I'll tell you what happened.

Before school today, little old Jenny

went to drop off some cupcakes in Max's locker.

And what did she find inside?

Max's black belt in sucking dong?

She found a pair of red panties...

panties that did not belong to her.

- Oho-ho-ho. - What?

I mean, I just... I don't understand.

I mean, who would ever cheat on Jenny Swanson?

Show me a hot chick, and I'll show you a dude

who's sick of getting tuggers from her.

Is that why you switch hands every few months?

If you're trying to get me

to apologize for my love of masturbation,

it ain't gonna happen.

You know what I love about breakups?

The aftermath.

The guy's friends tell him

what a snobby bitch his girl was...

I'm telling you, bro,

Jenny is stuck the "F" up, man.

You need to get yourself a nice, subservient girl.

Hey, dude, I dated this one chick

who would get me off, and then she would wash

my boxers for me.

Hey, what about my sister? I mean, she's not hot,

but, dude, she's got these perky A-cups coming in.

Just boo-doo-doo-doo-doo.

Boom!

Hey, look, it'd be an honor.

And the chick's BFFs

hug her tight and tell her what a total prick her man was.

I mean, sure, Max is hot,

but he treated you like garbage, Jenny.

You can do so much better.

And talk about "himbo."

I heard that he's so stupid

that he sometimes forgets to breathe.

And then there's the random dudes

who come out of the woodwork to take a stab at the sad girl.

And here's our first contestant.

Jed, the unwashed surfer poet.

Hey, what's up?

You better go take a shot before it's too late, dude!

Um, I'm not gonna go stand in line

with a bunch of vultures.

I'm not that...

Not that pathetic.

Thank you very much.

So where are you going?

Christ, Berger, if I wanted somebody

to fondle the same jockstrap over and over,

I'd put an ad on Craigslist.

- What's your deal? - I'm sorry, Coach.

Uh, just a little distracted by the news

about Max and Jenny.

Yeah, yeah, I heard that.

You know what else I heard?

Sa-wish.

Max taking his frustrations out

from three-point land.

Boy can't miss.

Hope he stays pissed through the game on Friday.

What's Max and Jenny gotta do with you?

Well, I-I know it's stupid,

but I can't help but think

who Jenny might, you know, be with next.

It could be anybody, son.

- Really? - Yeah.

Anybody but you.

Berger, as your guidance counselor,

I feel it's my duty to tell you this.

I got a better chance of getting up in Beyoncé's guts

than you got of getting with that piece of a-double-s.

I guess you're right.

No, don't get all hangdog on me.

Now, I suppose everybody's got

a one-in-a-million shot at his dream coming true.

You know what my dream is?

Turning $2 into $7,000.

I don't believe it.

What, you won?

No, I lost, just like I lose every day.

And that, Berger, is life.

You want dreams, take a nap.

There...

consider yourself "guidanced."

Oh, my God!

Is that a lump?

It's muscle.

Hey, little buddy, where'd you come from?

Max is my best friend,

but Jenny Swanson is fine.

So you know I'm gonna take a crack at that.

Okay, okay. And get rejected

- like all those fools at lunch? - Come on, man.

You don't go after a girl right after the breakup.

You got to give that anger some time to, uh,

ripen into vulnerability.

Yeah, it takes a while for those tears

to run down her body and into her panties.

All I know is whoever's with that girl

on Friday night is gonna...

"Bone her 100%."

Now, that's what the meatheads in the locker room said.

Dude, that could be you!

Oh, my God.

Oh, have you ever run before? It totally sucks.

Miles, it doesn't matter if it's me

or some Mountain Dew-che bag.

Jenny Swanson's not gonna say yes,

no matter who asks her out.

Oh, I don't know, man.

Heartbroken girls make some bad decisions.

And you, my friend, could be that bad decision.

- Oh, yeah, okay. - But not if you don't

hurry up and nuzzle up to her

before one of those jackasses does.

It's not gonna happen, Miles, okay?

I have a better chance of lightning striking my balls

than I do of getting anywhere near that beautiful girl.

Well, looks like Ben Franklin

just tied a kite to your nuts.

- Hey, RJ. - Hey, Jenny.

How are you?

Um, I'm okay.

Uh, listen, I was wondering if you have time

for an extra study-buddy session this week.

Sure. Uh, when?

I was thinking Friday night.

W-what about the big game?

Yeah, cheering for Max

is, um, kind of the last thing I want to be doing.

But I don't want to sit home on a Friday night either.

So if it's cool, I'd like to hang out...

um, me, you, couple textbooks.

Yeah.

Uh, I'll bring the highlighters.

- Thanks. - Yeah.

Dude, you are going

to study herbrainsout!

Hoo.

Yo, Miles, lose it or leave it?

Dude, that's "lose it."

Dude, we gotta transform this place

into a love palace, all right?

Last time you studied with her,

it was all business.

Friday it's got to be all pleasure.

Oh, and lose the frog.

It's a mojo killer.

Absolutely not.

Wolverine is, like, family.

Okay, I see what angle you're going with.

Jenny is the sexy princess,

and you're the wart-covered frog she kisses.

That's genius, man!

All right, now, talk me through your plan, all right?

How are you gonna go from, "Hey, Jenny, you look super,"

to...

"Yeah, oh, that's it, that's it"?

Miles, I'm... I'm... I'm simply going

to make her feel comfortable,

and then should, you know, that happen,

you know, that's cool too.

Right, yeah, yeah, that's... that's great.

Make her feel comfortable.

Or you could try to make her feel...

♪ Come-fortable ♪

All right?

Check this out, all right?

To the casual observer,

this is just a biology book.

But when Jenny opens it, bam!

- Whoa! - All right?

The anatomy section's in 3-D, baby.

No glasses required, goggles optional.

Miles, I'm not gonna trick her into touching my penis.

Technically, you're only

tricking her into looking at it.

Okay, Miles, I'm not tricking her into anything, okay?

I want her to like me as I am, frog and all.

Bro, we're on the same page.

- Ah. - Oh.

You know, that should have hurt,

but it kind of just, like, turtled back in.

Do it again.

No, you may not cry in my office.

Actually, I was going to ask if I could have Friday night off

from towel-boy duty.

What, they having a midnight sale

at the American Girl store?

Um, no.

Uh, Jenny Swanson asked me

to study with her Friday night.

Well, look at you.

Had you pegged as a benchwarmer, Berger,

and you just went and snatched yourself a rebound.

Um, what's a... what's a... what's a rebound?

Like grabbing a girl after some dude's

just bounced her off a backboard, you know?

Reminds me of Sharice Dupre.

Mm. She was the Jenny Swanson of my high school.

Only Blacker...

and even more ba-dunk-alicious.

Man, that dime piece was horny.

You sure you want to do that?

- Mmm. - And hungry.

Thanks for the popsicle.

Ain't no thing.

Ain't you afraid of Lester?

Hell, no. Jeriba Sinclair ain't afraid of nobody.

Who the hell bought you that popsicle?

- He did. He fronting. - Huh?

Lester was a bad mofo...

the kind of brother who'd beat up his mama

for making his bed wrong.

Since when is throwing a trash can

onto somebody a crime?

We got an anonymous tip that you were selling

bootleg Milli Vanilli cassettes.

Oh, Lord,

I need a kleenex and a new man.

There, there. You'll be fine.

You want some more popsicle?

Mm-hmm.

Hey.

Don't you see, Berger?

With Lester out of the picture and Sharice vulnerable,

I was able to grab that rebound and drive to the hole.

And drive and drive and drive.

I mean, sure, it only lasted one weekend,

but, [bleep], that's the great thing about rebounds.

Get in, you get in some more,

and then you get out.

All right, I think I grasped the general concept.

Um, but what if I want to be, you know,

more than a rebound?

What?

Don't be a fool, Berger.

Just be glad you're in the game.

"Drive to the hole"? Did he really say that?

- Indeed, he did. - Hot fuss!

That guy loves his vagina metaphors.

You know, maybe he's right. You know, maybe I need

to be more aggressive with Jenny.

Um, that's what I've been saying all along, dude.

Okay, so wait. I hope you don't mind,

but I was in English class today and I was thinking

about your Friday night study-buddy date,

and I wrote the perfect poem for you to read to her tonight.

I'm sorry.

You wrote me a poem to read to her?

Yeah. Dude, chicks go crazy for rhymes.

Why do you think rappers get so much panini?

"Jenny, I think you're really neat.

"And unlike Max, I'd never cheat.

"So let's use that pain and get our nut.

Please let me stick it in your ample..."

- Miles! - What?

Dude, Hi'm just so excited for you.

I mean, of all the rebounds Jenny could've chosen,

she picked you to go out with Friday night.

Dude, you are gonna cram that nuclear sub of yours

into her pink harbor.

You're gonna crash that double-decker bus

into her roundabout.

You are gonna land that jumbo blimp of yours

- onto her blonde AstroTurf. - Dude!

Okay, okay. I'm just saying.

There's nothing that can stop you now.

- Ah! - Someone set me up, Berger.

Why haven't you hit me yet?

'Cause you're gonna help me.

I'm gonna help you?

Listen, tripod,

I didn't cheat on Jenny, all right?

But someone wants her to think I did.

Who?

I don't know, someone who hates me,

someone who wants her for himself

and is smart enough to set me up.

You just described me.

No.

No way.

This guy had balls.

How do I know you didn't cheat?

'Cause...

look at the size of these things.

- "Medium." - Exactly.

I don't fatties.

I see your horrible point.

Great. So tell Jenny I didn't cheat.

Why do you needme to do it?

Because I said so.

I'm gonna go shoot some hoops before the game tomorrow.

Strangest thing is...

since Jenny dumped me...

I can't miss.

Don't disappoint me, freak.

Son of a bitch.

Max was telling the truth.

Bravo, Scooby-Doo.

You got me.

Yeah, I set up Max,

just like I set up Lester back in the day.

There were no bootleg Milli Vanilli cassettes.

But that didn't stop me from dropping a dime

and saying there was.

They let you be a guidance counselor?

Man, you should be thanking me.

Now you get Jenny on the rebound.

- But Max didn't cheat. - Oh, Max cheated, all right.

Max cheated on basketball.

And basketball is a jealous mistress.

So am I.

Me and basketball get real ornery

watching Max chase around that squeeze box.

Wait, you ain't thinking about telling her?

It's the right thing to do.

The right thing to do is Jenny Swanson.

You don't tell her the truth.

You grab that rebound,

and then you hump the ba-Jesus out of it.

So the only way I get Jenny is to lie to her.

Who cares how you get her?

You don't turn down a dream night

with your dream girl.

You ask yourself, you gonna shoot

an air ball tonight,

or are you gonna get yourself

a piece of that sweet swish?

Hey.

You look nice.

You look very nice.

Thank you.

May I take m'lady's bag for her?

- What? - Nothing.

All right, here's the big game plan for tonight.

Pass the damn ball to Max.

Ready? One, two, three.

- Pass it to Max! - All right.

"The mitochondria are the power plants of the cell."

Blah, blah, blah. I'm sorry, RJ.

I'm just really not in the mood to study right now.

Do you mind if I vent for a minute?

Vent away.

It's just that I never...

Hold that thought.

Did you get my present?

Hi, Grandma. Not the best time.

Under the pillow.

Oh, what's that about, Grandma?

It's a roofie, dude.

Remember how my brother

had that job cleaning up crime scenes?

Uh, I love you too.

Okay, be well.

You were saying?

Um, yeah, it's just, you know,

I never thought that Max was the cheating type.

I guess I was wrong.

It's Max.

"Haven't missed a shot, but missing you.

P.S., Didn't cheat."

Can you believe him?

- He's such a liar. - Pants on fire, that guy.

Thinks he can just make up for sleeping around

with a text message.

I can't believe I trusted him.

I'm done with guys like that.

- Jenny... - RJ, you're a good guy.

You have a good heart.

You're not the lying type.

Jenny...

um...

there's something I should... I should really tell you.

Whoa, time, time, time.

Time! Time!

Yes!

All right, listen...

we're all tied up with ten seconds to go.

I don't know, how about we pass it

to the guy who can't miss?

Max, you just think of Jenny

and shoot your sad, sad heart

through that hoop one more time.

- Okay, buddy? - You got it, coach.

Ready?

Max!

Max!

- Jenny! - Oh, you gotta be kidding me.

RJ told me everything.

I'm so sorry. Will you have me back?

You know it, sweet ass.

So you didn't have a chance, huh?

Actually, for a moment,

I think I did.

So you blew it, then?

Miles, I want her more than anything in the world...

but not the way

I was gonna get it tonight.

Man, they are really going at it.

I mean, they do not care that everyone here is watching.

You got to wonder at this point if he's just gonna poke her

right there on the court.

Hey, on the bright side,

he might be too busy with Jenny

to whup your ass for a while.

- I could use a break. - Berger!

Oh, got to go.

You sure cornholed me this time.

I'm gonna make you pay.

You think your sorry-ass life sucks right now?

You're gonna need two gallons ofpenicillin

to get rid of the hurt I'm gonna put on you.

You understand? I wanna see you...

My name is RJ Berger.

...at 4:30 sharp.

And sometimes the truth hurts.

I want you on your hands and knees,

cleaning this basketball court top to bottom.

Next on The Hard Times of RJ Berger...

I'm RJ Berger.

Is that one of those purity rings?

Guess who's little neighbor is a hugeprude.

Everyone knows that purity girls

are thehugestsluts in school.

Why do you want to join the purity club?

I was kind of surprised when you joined.

Do you mind if I say grace first?