Original subtitles

They say ribbed is for her pleasure,

but we all know it's too itchy.

Whoa. I swear, dude.

Chicks do not know how to take compliments these days.

In theory, you could be

a little bit more subtle with the eye-banging.

I mean, if it creeps me out, imagine how she feels.

Why?

I mean, this is the only time in our lives

that we are allowed to stare at teenage ass.

When that guy does it,

then it's creepy.

All right, that guy deserves to be on Dateline.

Oh.

Look at her, dude.

Passing out her precious invitations to the chosen few.

"And you're cool. And you.

And, yep, you too. Congratsies."

I mean, give me a break!

You know, we don't need that kind of validation

from the A-list.

Hey, RJ.

Hope you can make it.

Give me that.

Sweet 16.

"RJ Berger, you are cordially invited

to the Pinkerton Tennis Club this Friday at 5:00 PM."

Blah, blah, blah, blah. "Jenny Swanson's

sweet 16 birthday party.

Attire. Gifts welcome," of course.

Blah, blah, blah.

Dude, where the hell is the plus one?

Hey, this is only good for one!

Miles...

I just got invited

to Jenny Swanson's sweet 16.

And it sucks you have to decline, man.

I mean, you wouldn't go without your boy.

Would you?

You skinny, double-crossing,

freak penis, matzoh-eating, four-eyed zit...

My name is RJ Berger, and it's good to be invited.

...Choke your ass out and drown you in the toilet.

Wow.

I mean, bro, it's one thing

to have a crush on a girl, but this is, like,

psycho stalker territory.

You're not thinking of mailing her

a jar of your own pubes or anything, are you?

It's her birthday present.

Oh, yes!

Jenny Swanson's precious sweet 16 party.

- Miles. - You're lucky that phony fest

isn't the same night as Raiders,

because if you flaked on that, so help me, God.

Dude, I would never miss the chance to see

Raiders of the Lost Ark on the big screen.

I don't know, dude.

I mean, you are ditching me for Jenny's party.

Miles, look, dude, you should be happy I'm going.

All right, six months ago,

Jenny had no idea who we were.

We were, like, two random dudes.

Now she invited one of us, on purpose.

All right? Next time, maybe she'll invite both of us.

Yeah, well, there won't be a next time

if you give her that stupid sketch for her birthday.

I think she'll like it.

Yeah, if it's wrapped around a piece of jewelry maybe.

Dude, girls like Jenny

don't spread for stupid sketches.

They want to see price tags.

You know, you gotta spend that coin

if you want to get that loin.

Jenny's not superficial like that.

Oh, right.

She's with Max Owens because he's average-looking and poor.

What am I supposed to do? I don't have any money.

I don't know, dude. But if I were you

I'd be embarrassed to show up without a kick-ass gift.

Later, man.

- Mom. - RJ, do you have

a toenail infection or something?

Every one of these socks is a crusty mess.

Mom, I have a small crisis on my hands.

What is it, honey?

I need $300 by the end of the week.

Oh.

Well, first of all,

I know for a fact you can get that done

for under 100.

But let me ask you, have you and the young lady

considered dropping it off at a fire station?

- Mom. - Selling it to a nice

- gay couple? - Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom.

It's for Jenny Swanson's sweet 16 gift.

Oh!

Oh, thank goodness!

Oh, gee, you scared me half to death.

This is not the ass of a grandmother.

One, two, three, and four.

Oh, you know what,

you should go see Bill and Linda Robbins.

They're always hiring handymen for odd jobs.

Maybe they'll have something

around the house for you to do.

Really?

All right. I'm gonna go over there now.

Mm! Great.

RJ Berger, is that you?

Hi, Mrs. Robbins, Mr. Robbins.

What are you doing here, love?

I was just... you know,

my mom mentioned that you guys

might have some stuff

that I could do around the house,

you know, for money.

RJ, I didn't know you were handy.

I'm trying to make a little extra money

by the end of the week for... whatever.

Well, hell, anything that saves me a trip

to the Home Depot parking lot, right?

Well, I'll tell you what, RJ,

we're expecting a guest any minute,

so why don't you just come by after school tomorrow?

We'll find something for you to do.

Really?

Oh, thank you guys so much.

I-I'll definitely do that.

All right. Um, see you tomorrow.

- Nice kid. - A sweetheart.

- Oh, you're a sweetheart. - Stop it!

Oh, hello.

You must be Charlene.

Mm.

She looked better in her profile.

Dr. Jones, again we see

there's nothing you could possess

which I could not take away.

- Dude! - Oh, rad, right?

So rad.

But I thought you were gonna be the Gestapo guy.

Turns out swastika armbands are very hard to find.

Huh.

You ain't starting a boy band or something, are you?

No, I'm Belloq.

Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Indiana, we are passing through history.

This is history.

I'm gonna calmly walk away right now

before I punch you in the face.

Maybe I should go as the Nazi.

Don't listen to him, dude. Your costume is awesome.

And tonight's gonna be awesome.

Raiders, bro!

Remastered and projected on the big screen

just the way God intended it.

I know. Pee dribbles out

every time I think about it.

Yeah. Oh, don't be late, dude.

We have to get seats before those Temple of Doom

assholes show up.

♪ You can't see it coming ♪

♪ Until it's too late ♪

♪ You're shot down by the hand of fate ♪

♪ You don't see the difference ♪

♪ With or without ♪

♪ And when you do ♪

♪ It's always too late ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It's all sunshine ♪

♪ Or it's all rain ♪

♪ Ooh, it's all sunshine ♪

♪ Or it's all rain ♪

Thank you so much.

You did a good job, RJ.

Here's today's take.

So let's do it again tomorrow. What time do you get off school?

Um, tit o'clo... two o'clock.

Great, I'll pick you up at 2:00,

and you can help me run some errands.

Now you go get some rest.

Oh, come on.

I've been your best friend since dial-up.

You don't put me to voice mail, dickwad.

Dude, I'm so sorry.

I passed out when I got home.

- I've... I'm so exhau... - Raiders, RJ.

Dude, I'm sorry, okay?

We'll watch it this weekend on DVD or something.

DVD? No, you take your standard def

and shove it up your ass. And you know what else?

It doesn't matter how expensive your gift is.

'Cause it's for a girl you're never gonna get.

- What the hell, dude? - I'm your best friend, RJ!

Me! Not some fantasy girl

who pretends to like you 'cause you help her dumb ass

- get better grades. - Dude, seriously!

If you want to talk about her like that

maybe I don't want to be your best friend.

That's funny, 'cause I was thinking

you don't deserve a best friend like me.

Dude!

It's over, RJ.

All right, yes, I was wrong

in flaking on Raiders,

but he's being an asshole, Lily.

I mean, he's the one that told me

I needed an expensive gift for Jenny.

He's the reason why I got the job

and am busting my ass trimming hedges

and mowing lawns in the first place.

Why didn't you tell me?

I would have paid you to trim my hedges.

He'd need a riding mower.

Dude, come on, already.

I'm not here to talk, RJ.

I'm here to give you this.

You're giving me back your half of our bros amulet?

I won't be needing it anymore.

Did he just throw away food?

It's way more serious than I thought.

Oh, I never thought about that angle before.

Oh, hey, RJ.

Working after school again?

That's cool.

Yeah, me and kev are gonna kick it at his place, you know,

watch some DVDs and play some first-person shooters, you know.

We're gonna snipe some online Nazi ass.

Yeah, we are!

Whoo!

Boom! Headshot.

You got pwned, biatch.

Friends of yours?

Not anymore.

- I feel ridiculous. - Oh, relax.

You look handsome.

How funny is it that you and Bill are the same size?

Well, except for...

I heard about your not-so-little secret, RJ,

and it's nothing to be ashamed of.

On the contrary.

Mrs. Robbins, um,

shouldn't I be working?

Linda. Linda.

And you are working.

I'm having a martini,

and you're driving me home.

I don't have a license yet.

It's okay to break a few little laws

every now and again.

RJ?

Oh, please, God, not now.

Hey.

I didn't know you played tennis.

Yeah. You know,

I mean, I don't really.

Well, we may knock a few balls around

a little later.

Uh, this is my boss, Mrs. Robbins.

Hi, I'm Jenny.

And I am jealous of your perky little boobies, Jenny.

Thanks. Um, I'll talk to you later, RJ.

Nice to meet you.

- Bye, Jenny. - Bye.

Bet you'd do anything to tear that up, huh?

Yeah. Like, mow your lawn.

Wait, she's why you need the money?

I'm trying to get her something special

for her sweet 16.

Oh.

Well, how special?

Oh, RJ.

Honey, this is so sweet,

but that's not the kind of mess

you want to make on that girl's chest.

Here.

Why don't you give her this?

I could never afford that.

I'd be mowing your lawn until I'm 30.

We'll think of some way for you to work it off.

So you guys get together

and pretend to be countries?

Yeah, it's called the model UN,

- and it's freaking awesome. - Yeah.

So, wait, it took me, like, forever

to get Mr. Walcott to recognize North Korea, right?

But now...

Ah, damn!

I left my reactor plans in the bathroom.

BRB, BFF.

Uh. LOL.

So you and Kevin Stern are BFFs now?

Look, we're not really putting a label on it, Lily.

He's a great guy.

You know, he's funny, and he's...

- he's a great guy. - Look, I'm sure

it feels great to be the skinny friend for a change,

but you and RJ are being assholes.

Isn't your owner gonna get a ticket

for letting you off leash?

Face it, fat ass. You need him

just as much as he needs you.

Let it go, already.

I am letting it go, Lily.

Me and RJ are done.

Idiot.

Oh, you're a lifesaver, honey.

I'm still not quite sure how all your cookware

ended up at the bottom of the pool, but you're welcome.

Let's get you inside and warm you up.

Miss... Linda.

Uh, where are my... where are my clothes?

I gotta get that ride over to Jenny's party.

I put them in the dryer to warm them up.

Besides,

you can't go anywhere without her gift.

Miss... miss... whoa.

You are wearing a bathrobe.

Not for long.

Okay, um, actually, I need a minute.

Just give me a... bathroom.

I think the whole point is to move around.

I'm moving my thumbs.

Oh, Kevin,

you're so funny.

I think you have the wrong number.

Miles, I'm alone and naked and scared.

- Good. - No, no, Mrs. Robbins

just got all weird on me, dude.

I need your help.

Oh, now you need my help.

Okay, look, I know we both said

a lot of things we didn't mean the other day,

- but I need you. - You'll have to speak up.

I'm with Kev, and it's hard to hear you

over all of our inside jokes.

Miles, please, man.

I know we're not on the best of terms right now,

but really I need you.

Really?

Really.

Well, good!

Now you know how it feels

to be blown off by a friend.

Miles.

Miles!

- Miss Robbins. - Linda.

I was just thinking that, you know,

perhaps Jenny would really like that thumbs-up pendant, so...

RJ, after I'm done teaching you,

you're gonna be able to give her something

much, much better.

Come here.

I can sense you're a little apprehensive.

Trust me when I tell you

that there's no better way to learn

than from an older lover.

May I tell you about my first time?

I was 18.

Jorge was 58.

He didn't speak a word of English.

And I didn't speak a word of whatever he was.

Mm-hmm. Si, drink.

Ah.

But I was a student of love.

And he was the most brilliant teacher I've ever known.

Even if it wasn't exactly

the type of bed I'd dreamt of losing

my virginity in.

May I keep your shirt, Jorge?

Si. Shirt.

It smells like you.

And I love the way you smell.

Si. Manure.

In the house, you whore.

When Daddy found out what was happening

he fired Jorge.

We never saw each other again.

To this day, I cannot hear a leaf blower

without thinking of all those afternoons

under his greasy, sweaty manliness.

RJ, I want to be your Jorge.

I-I...

Uh...

uh...

What the hell is going on here?

- Mr. Robbins, I can explain... - Don't you dare

open your mouth...

And ruin a perfect moment.

That's my guy.

Stop, RJ! Oh, RJ, no!

Wait! Trim my hedge!

Dude, get in! Get in!

what are you doing, man?

Miles, I don't know how I'll ever repay you.

Well, you can start by identifying my body

after my brother finds out I stole his van.

Facactatie.

Ah, I got ya.

I'm sorry I flaked on Raiders.

I'm sorry I called you

skinny, double-crossing, freak penis,

matzoh-eating, four-eyed, zit-riddled...

Okay.

So you and... you and Kevin.

Uh...

let's never mention that name ever again.

All right. There you go.

All set for Jenny Swanson's

stuck-up sweet 16...

which I desperately wish I was invited to.

What?

Linda, she...

she never gave me the necklace.

I don't have a gift for Jenny.

You pulled it out of the trash?

Pissed off or not,

I like the way you draw her boobs.

I mean, come on, let's face it, dude.

We complete each other in a totally non-gay way.

♪ We are alive ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

Hi.

RJ.

I'm so glad you made it.

I-I made you this.

Oh, my God.

Did you draw this?

I love it.

My name is RJ Berger,

and it's good to have friends.

Next on The Hard Times of RJ Berger...

I am through. I am not your girlfriend anymore.

I think your dream girl just updated

her Facebook status to single.

Whoever's with that girl on Friday night is gonna...

Bone her 100%.

I was wondering if you have time for an extra study buddy session

- this week. - You are going

to study her brains out.

Had you pegged as a benchwarmer, Berger,

and you just went and snatched yourself a rebound.

Tripod, I didn't cheat on Jenny.

I can't believe I trusted him.

I'm done with guys like that.