Original subtitles

Hammer it! Hammer it!

Nail it, nail it!

My name is RJ Berger.

One nail!

Every kid thinks their parents are crazy

or stupid or embarrassing...

But mine are literally killing me.

- Oh! - Ow! Son of a bitch!

Could you guys maybe...

knock it off for one night?

I have school in the morning.

What are you talking about, bud?

Mommy and I were just hanging a picture.

Look.

I'm aware you're not capable of being normal parents, but...

just, um, keep the...

whatever it is you're doing down.

Now, wait just a minute.

What do you mean, we can't be normal parents?

Mom, there's a dude I've never seen before

standing behind your armoire.

Evening.

That's what I mean...

not normal.

Teenagers.

Hey, RJ.

I came to school naked today.

- What? - I said,

"Is it cool if I can't make it today?"

You know, our study-buddy session.

Yeah. Um... Yeah, that's fine.

Yeah, we could... you know, we'll do it some other night.

Actually, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.

I don't think I'm gonna be able to make it

for at least a few weeks.

Mrs. Bender offered me the lead in the school musical.

You're kidding.

I mean...

That's awesome for you.

Thanks. Too bad you're not doing it too.

I mean, we totally could've hung out

and studied during rehearsals.

Yeah, I mean, that would have been,

uh, interesting.

I totally would have auditioned,

had I known, but I mean...

why don't you?

Auditions don't end till tomorrow.

Uh, I mean, I... really... uh, no, I...

- you know, I got something... - Come on.

All you got to do is get up and read a few lines.

A musical, RJ?

You know what, dude? Why don't you just hire

a couple guys to fly planes into our reputations?

Okay, what else would you like me to do?

I mean, without our study dates,

I don't have any reason to be with her.

Nice. How else am I gonna win her over?

Step one, don't let her see you prance around in a leotard!

You want her to spin around on your fun stick,

not take you for a mani/pedi.

You have to do something manly in front of her.

What do you mean, "manly"?

You know, manly.

Like grow a mustache

or, uh...

beat the piss out of some random seventh grader.

She's not gonna be into me for beating up some kid.

What? She goes out with Max Owens!

That guy's single-handedly destroyed more kids

than divorce!

Look, people laugh at you for just walking down the hall, RJ.

Imagine what they'll do if they see you dance.

RJ!

♪ Dinner ♪

Hey.

Just where do you think you're going?

To my room.

Oh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh.

No, tonight the three of us

are going to have a normal family dinner

like normal families do.

So you just throw that fanny in reverse

and park it.

Oh, you heard your mother.

So what's the, uh, hiz-aps at school?

Really?

Come on, RJ. Daddy's asking

a perfectly normal question.

Uh, okay, well, uh...

I'm auditioning

for the high-school musical tomorrow.

Look out. That is fantastic.

Well, excuse me, Matthew Broderick!

What's the play, bud?

It's like... it's an original p...

it's like, uh... it's a mash-up between West Side Story

and... and... and Twilight.

West Sideis one of our favorites.

But that's... that's if I get a part.

I'm not even gonna want you guys to come.

I'm sure it's gonna be...

♪ I'm a Puerto Rican gal ♪

♪ You're a handsome white guy ♪

♪ And a'something, something else ♪

- Mom... - ♪ And we can't be

♪ Together 'cause our gang's got a beef ♪

- Dad! - ♪ There's some fighting ♪

- ♪ And some dancing ♪ - ♪ I get stabbed ♪

- ♪ And maybe I get killed ♪ - ♪ Oh! ♪

♪ And I'm crying over your dead body ♪

♪ I sing a big song and then we start to make out ♪

Next!

You crazy, man?

Nobody can Tokyo Drift...

Better thanme!

Next.

♪ Sunshine and lemonade ♪

♪ With kittens and rainbows ♪

Next.

Next!

Oh, come on, people!

Isn't there someone here with an ounce of natural talent?

Who's next?

You're up. Come on!

"She's the most beautiful girl

"I've ever... seen.

"Every morning when I...

when I go to sleep, it's her I dream about."

No, no, no!

It's about passion, okay?

About a boy who loves a girl with every ounce of his being.

Loves her so much, it hurts.

Ever felt that way about a girl, uh...

Arj Berjay?

Uh, it's... it's R...

That kind of burning love?

A burning love

that couldn't be consummated.

Hmm?

Yes.

Again.

"She's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.

"Every morning, when I go to sleep,

"it's her I dream about.

"And every time she walks by me, it's...

"it's like the sun goes down.

"But like the sun...

"she turns me to ashes,

"because I don't belong in her world.

"She sees right through me.

"I am...

undead to her."

I found my leading man!

Arj!

The lead in the high-school musical, RJ?

The lead?

I-I wasn't trying

to get the lead, you know.

It just sort of... it happened.

I-I got up there,

and... and I was, like... I was thinking about Jenny.

It was weird, and it just...

it just sort of came out.

Yeah. May I remind you what came out

last time you did a school play?

First up, we have Johnny as the rose.

I'm a rose, and I smell pretty.

Next up, we have Timmy as a blade of grass.

I'm a blade of grass,

and I feel tickly on bare feet.

As our dewdrop, we have Sally.

I'm a drop of dew,

and I help all the plants grow.

And lastly, we have RJ as the daffodil.

I'm a daffodil,

and I...

Oh!

I hate the daffodil!

A lot's changed since then.

Yeah, your poops have gotten bigger.

All right, I know bad ideas and this, this is a bad idea.

Hey, RJ.

Great audition yesterday.

Thanks.

Maybe we could meet after school sometime...

run lines?

Yeah, um...

I'd love t-to do that with you.

Well, I'll see you at rehearsal.

Okay. Control, alt, delete everything I just said.

That's it. Deep stretches.

Feel yourself becoming one with the stage.

Now, I want you all to listen closely.

Girls don't want Shakespeare unless DiCaprio goes shirtless.

Boys don't want Jane Austen unless there are zombies in it.

Kids want mash-ups. They want sex.

And this year, we're going to give them both.

Vamp Side Storyis a tale of forbidden love

and hard-bodied vampires.

It's a show that demands

intensity and passion.

This is especially true of our beautiful Mary

played by Jenny Swanson

and our naturally pale vampire Anthony

played by Arj Berjay.

- I... it's R... - In the end...

their love will triumph,

and their lips will meet

in a final, tragically deep kiss.

Wait. We kiss?

Places, please! Places, everyone!

So you finally get to swap spit with Jenny Swanson.

A little intimidating, no?

Uh, shut up, Lily.

What? I'm just saying.

If I finally got to kiss the girl of my dreams,

I'd be terrified of screwing it up.

If you're trying to get into my head, I...

It's not your head I wanna get into.

- Lily... - You only get one chance

to make a first impression.

And let's be honest, Arj.

You haven't much experience in the spit-swapping department.

So?

So say you get up there and gum at her like a caveman

with a turkey leg?

You'll be kissing the girl of your dreams good-bye.

If you want to practice,

my mouth is open 24-7.

So you're the one who taught RJ

everything he knows about acting.

So what's your technique?

How do you, like, take someone

and turn them into a great actor?

I take a hands-on approach, Renee, um,

but to be honest with you,

they have to have a certain amount of...

natural talent.

But what I do is is I take that talent, and...

and I... and I mold it.

You know, I-I-I squeeze it

until it's five or six times

bigger than it was.

Do you think I have enough natural talent

to be molded?

I think you could be

the next Salma Hayek.

Kiss my cold lips.

I promise...

I won't bite.

And scene!

Beautiful, Arj!

- Absolutely beautiful. - Mrs. Bender?

- Yes, my love. - Um, well, you know,

I was just wondering, you know, it's opening night

tomorrow night, and...

we really haven't, you know, worked out the whole, uh...

the... the kiss.

Yeah, RJ's right. It's the climax

and we haven't even rehearsed it.

You never rehearse the first kiss.

You don't.

It has to be fresh.

You need to feel your way into each other.

When I see you kiss up there,

I want to see that discovery.

I want tofeel

that sensuality.

I want to taste that saliva.

From the top!

Hey.

- Hey. - Listen,

I know what Mrs. Bender said,

but I was thinking maybe we could rehearse everything,

you know, just leading up to the kiss,

just so you don't go this way, and I go that way.

Um... now... now?

Yeah. Here.

Lie down.

Okay.

- Um, so... - You're gonna...

- Right. Okay, do this. - Grab my hand like that.

Pull me in. Pull me close.

And then I'll lean in like this.

- Uh-huh. - Okay, now,

put your arm around me like that, does that feel okay?

- Mm-hmm, that's really... - Okay.

And then I'll lean in like this...

and that's when we'll kiss.

- That's when we kiss. - That felt okay, right?

- Yeah, that felt awesome. - Okay, good.

That felt really, really good.

- Great. See you out there. - See you out there.

- Break a leg. - Okay. Break legs, baby.

Bro, it is a packed house out there.

You pull this off, and you're gonna have

Jenny Swanson costarring in your underwear!

Hey, Miles, I, uh, I ca... I can't kiss Jenny onstage.

What? Come on, come on, man, hey, hey, hey.

Opening night jitters, man.

Shake it out. Shake it out, all right?

You're gonna do great. All right? Hey, what was

Jenny Swanson doing in he...

dude... why are you harboring a midget in your leotard?

Miles, I got a big problem.

I can't go out there, Miles!

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Let's not panic. Let's just think about

something that'll tame that tiger.

- Don't look at it! - Okay, okay, okay, okay.

- I'm sorry, I'm sorry. - Thank you.

Shh, shh, shh. Let's think about something

- like... ah, God... - Like what?

- Like... like homework! - Ah...

- Dog... dogfighting circles. - Mmm, no.

Okay, O-Oprah's feet.

Oh, I kind of like oprah.

Uh, the Jonas Brothers.

I can't, I can't. I can't, I can't.

Hold on, hold on. Did you... did you, uh,

- self-serve? - No! Shh.

Twice today, already, yeah.

All right, look. Okay, look, ready?

Look at these things. This is gross.

This is a major boner killer right here.

Okay, stop, stop!

That's awful. That's awful.

Look, he's smart, okay?

And he knows what's going on.

And he knows we're kissing Jenny Swanson tonight.

He's not gonna go away.

I-I can't do it, I can't do it!

- I can't do it! - Dude!

- Pull yourself together! - Okay, okay!

I got six hot girls out there waiting to hop

on my casting couch, okay?

There's too much riding on this!

- I'm sorry! - Let's...

Hey!

Let me see that thing.

♪ Vamp ♪

♪ Vamp ♪

♪ Vamp ♪

♪ When you're a vamp, you're a vamp, yes, sirree ♪

♪ From your first sip of blood ♪

♪ To the cemetery ♪

♪ Vamp side story ♪

♪ Vamp side story, aah! ♪

No!

♪ Vamp side story ♪

♪ Vamp side story ♪

Good job, good job.

You sure you don't want to eat my face a little

- before your big scene? - Lily.

Okay, okay, fine.

But at least take my advice...

easy on the teeth

and avoid choking her with your tongue.

Oh, my gosh. You're doing so great.

You're doing amazing.

Oh, my gosh. I love the choice.

- My choice? - Yes.

Your limp,

from the fight with bernie?

So smart.

I know, right? Yeah.

- So... - Next number's up, people.

So...

Oh, that's my cue.

I'll see you at the climax.

Yeah, okay.

Die, vamp!

Oh!

Oh, no!

Yeah! Let's roll!

Kiss my cold lips.

I will not bite...

for I've already been bitten...

by love.

Oh my God! He's pitching a tent!

He's got a wooden stake in his shorts!

He's got a boner!

Yo, Berger! You suck.

All-new low for RJ Berger.

Killed the play. Hi. Yeah.

Ruined your chance with six very naughty-looking girls.

- Yep. - I'm a walking disaster.

Hey, look at the bright side.

You brought down the curtain early,

which is good, 'cause that play totally sucked ball...

Oh, man.

Next time I have an idea like this, just...

- Come on, man. - Blow my brains out.

- No! - Hey, RJ.

Hi. Um, can I talk to you alone for a minute?

I owe you an apology, RJ,

for last night.

I shouldn't have freaked out like that.

It was just, um...

it was just a little... surprising.

You're apologizing?

I'm the one who ruined the show.

No, it was not your fault.

We should have rehearsed it.

You were good, RJ.

You were really good.

No matter what anyone says,

they can't take that away from you.

I don't want to talk about it.

You don't have to. We have something to say to you...

- No, seriously... - You were right, RJ.

We're not the world's most normal parents.

But then again, you're not a normal kid.

You're extraordinary.

And we couldn't be more proud.

Thanks, guys.

No problem, bud.

Love you.

My name is RJ Berger.

Yes, my parents are crazy and stupid

and embarrassing...

That's it! Nail it! Harder!

- Hammer! - ...But they're my parents.

Right there! Aah!

Next on The Hard Times of RJ Berger...

I just got invited to Jenny Swanson's Sweet 16.

I'd be embarrassed to show up without a kick-ass gift.

I need $300 by the end of the week.

You should go see Bill and Linda Robbins.

RJ, I didn't know you were handy.

You can't go anywhere without

- your gift. - Whoa!

You are wearing a bathrobe!

Not for long.

What the hell is going on here?