Original subtitles

.

- This is it.

Next Friday is the deadline for us to qualify for Daytona.

Now, in order for us to do so,

we got to submit something called a skills tape.

We have to prove our aptitude in the following areas--

tumbling...

[upbeat music]

Stunts...

♪ ♪

Basket tosses...

♪ ♪

Pyramids.

♪ ♪

But we can, we will, we must...

get that tape in by 9:00 a.m. Friday,

or, as they say in cheer,

we're [bleep].

- ♪ Okay, let's go, okay, let's go ♪

♪ Okay, let's go, five, six, seven, eight ♪

- The head coach is like the chef of a football team,

and this is where I do my best cooking.

[laughs] - Hey, babe--

Whoa, what's going on?

There's, like, a lot more of y'all here than usual.

- Yep. I got a crew following me now, too.

Yeah, your, uh, producers are thinking about expanding

the Coach Potter universe,

so they're following me for a hard-hitting walk

in the shoes of a junior-college football coach.

- Oh, but football season's over.

- Baby, championships are built in the offseason.

- Um, baby, you know I never want to keep you

from whatever this is,

um, but this is going to be a real stressful week for me

so I just-- - Say no more.

You don't got to worry about a thing,

not when you're in Boon Country.

[country music]

That's what we're calling my doc.

It's a play on words. - Oh.

- Yeah.

- What words is it playing on?

- Boon...

and country.

- All right, y'all, it is our skills week.

Let's pick a day to get us on tape.

- Not Tuesday, okay? It's my pet-detection final.

I am on a short leash until then.

- Uh, my women's studies paper is due on Wednesday

on why women be so inspirational.

So I got to find a female hero.

- Yeah, and I also have my Art-history final that day.

This year we're doing Art Garfunkel.

- Because nothing is easy,

it's also finals week here at Headltston.

We operate on a trimester schedule here

in honor of having the highest rate

of college pregnancies in the nation.

Got to celebrate the wins where you got 'em.

- I'm open. I'm already done with my finals.

It was a joke.

I need a location.

- Can I suggest Monday?

- Monday's actually-- - Monday works for me.

- Monday is the typing final, and you are all in my class.

- I won't be there, but good luck.

- Krystal, everyone has to take and pass their finals.

- Then I have a doctor's note.

- This is from your sister.

- In her country, she's a doctor.

- My country is America. I was born right here.

- For student athletes,

the student part has got to come first,

because it's difficult to have a career in cheer.

They have to be able to rely on their degree

from a two- to seven-year junior college.

And luckily for them,

Headltston has come up in the rankings.

Plus, if they don't pass their finals,

they can't go to Daytona.

- So we qualified for Daytona six months ago at cheer camp.

Everybody's pretty happy here.

Ow! It's too hard!

- That's as light as I can do it.

- It's too hard to teach you everything.

Just go. Get. Get out.

So, um, what's going on with Courteney's team?

What's their routine looking like?

Can't tell me? [chuckles]

Although, if you did, I'd make it worth your while, doll.

- Damn, you're really hot when you study.

- Stop playing.

- We are officially dating. Clearly, it was meant to be.

- Stop kicking my chair.

- Why are you giving me crap?

- Because you're being a big old weenie!

- We're just not going public because we...

- Don't want to make it awkward.

- Plus, it's just not cool

to go public with relationships these days.

- Ladies and gentlemen, my boyfriend.

- Thank you, thank you, thank you.

And my girlfriend. [both mumbling]

- Very well. - Wait. Do-do-do-do.

- We are in an open relationship.

- We are completely monogamous and telling everyone.

- Hey, do any of you losers want to take a break

and go to the Loose Button? - Nuh-uh.

- Yeah? - No, no, no, no, no.

Coach said if we don't pass our finals, we're off the team.

- I'm a pet-detection major, and if I don't pass,

I screw the pooch.

- Why are you so nervous? You get straight A's.

- When I was four, my foster mom told me

I needed to be perfect at everything,

or I would die alone.

- I really need to focus. I've been a bit distracted.

My divorce is official. Let's go.

So much like my ex-wife was for most of our marriage,

I'm dating.

Yeah, well, I'm on the apps.

I tried Love Herrrtz,

which I thought was for rental-car employees.

It was not.

But I am done making bad decisions,

which is why I got on Cheerleaders Only.

Yeah, it's--it's an app that matches you

with cheerleaders in your area.

I think the ladies will likey.

- Hey, baby, you're in the industry.

My producers say my sizzle reel is "zzzz."

Is that a play on words?

- Honey, I think they mean, like...

[imitates snoring]

- Where the heck is this coming from?

[country music]

Um, so today I will be ordering mouthguards for my team.

Um, I normally go with white,

but, you know, I'm feeling a little crazy,

so I think I'm going to order purple.

[dramatic music]

No, they're sold out of purple.

Um...

so I guess we're going to go with white.

- Well, I just think maybe you need more drama

in there, is what they're saying.

- Did you not hear about the purple mouthguards?

- No, I did.

- Well, what's so dramatic about yours?

- I have a skills tape due on Friday

that I got to schedule around finals,

which they have to pass.

And if I don't get the tape in, we don't make Daytona,

and this whole year will have been for nothing.

- No, Coach, you've worked so hard.

You have to make Daytona.

What's going to happen? - I don't know.

We have to watch and find out.

[typewriters clacking]

All right, that's time. Typewriters down.

Steven.

Madonna, wake up, honey. The test is over.

- Oh, thank God. I dreamt I missed this.

- Here you are. You did it. - Thank you.

- DiMarcus, thank you, sir.

Sally, thank you, ma'am. - Thank you.

- Krystal. - Here you go.

- Jesus be a tutor.

.

- I'm frankly disappointed in both of you.

You know good and well

your sister cannot take

your typing final for you.

- Why not? She takes all my tests.

- Because it's cheating.

- And why am I here?

- Because you got the highest score in the class.

I talked to your improv teacher.

She said, "yes, and" she also got the high score in my class.

That means you're a hidden brainiac.

- Shh. You're going to get me kicked out of Fight Club.

- Look, here's what's going to happen.

You're gonna tutor Krystal so she can pass her final.

both: [shouting] Why?

- I can't do the stunts for my team,

but what I can do is bring in a group of elite cheerleaders

to motivate them and show them how it's done.

Now, y'all don't just watch. I want you to watch and learn.

Pay attention to their techniques.

Guys, look at their grips, the way they use their legs.

Ladies, look how tight they are,

how good the lines are on their dismount.

- Mm. - Steven,

why don't you finish chewing? - Want some?

- No, I'm good, honey.

- ♪ Uh-huh this my... ♪ [whistle blows]

♪ All the girls, stomp your feet like this ♪

♪ Few times I've been around that track ♪

♪ So it's not just gonna happen like that ♪

♪ 'Cause I ain't no hollaback girl ♪

♪ I ain't no hollaback girl ♪

♪ Ooh, this my ♪

♪ This my ♪

♪ Ooh, this my ♪

♪ This my ♪

♪ I heard that you were talking ♪

♪ And you didn't think that I would hear it ♪

♪ That's right, put your pom-poms down ♪

♪ Getting everybody fired up ♪

♪ Few times I've been around that track ♪

♪ So it's not just gonna happen like that ♪

♪ 'Cause I ain't no hollaback girl ♪

♪ I ain't no hollaback girl ♪

♪ Few times I've been around that track ♪

♪ So it's not just gonna happen like that ♪

♪ 'Cause I ain't no hollaback girl ♪

♪ I ain't no hollaback girl ♪

[whistle trills] - That was amazing.

- Wow.

Really good. I mean, it is like looking in a mirror.

- Maybe we should just have them do the skills tape.

- That would be cheating, and we don't cheat.

Right, Krystal?

Oh, come on.

- What is it? Where's the screen?

- The screen is the--the paper.

- It's broken.

[gasps] What if I give you free makeup and you do it for me?

It's made in Malaysia.

By kids. - No, no, no,

just pretend this is--

this is your phone. - Okay.

- Mm-hmm.

Pretend you're losing followers.

Yeah.

- Oh, my God, I'm doing it.

- All right, y'all, let's start off strong

with our tumbling pass-- I need my best athletes.

Steven. - Yep, loud and clear.

I'll film it.

Mm. - Good.

Yeah, they nailed that one. [cell phone chimes]

All right, y'all, gather around me.

- First match on Cheerleaders Only.

Looks like someone wants to fly.

Oh, wow. Coach Istiny.

I can't, right?

Yeah, of course, no. [chuckles]

Right?

- [trilling]

- Oh. [knock at door]

- Dr. Aguado, you wanted to see me?

- I, uh, have your final, which you aced.

- Ventura. [both laugh]

- That's so clever.

I have to give you a B for the semester.

- Like a pet bee?

I'm actually allergic and could die, but sure.

- The grade B-- you missed a number of classes

because of cheer and mandatory quarantine

from your job at The Candy Button Factory.

- Uh, no, I-I-I can't get a B.

Pet detection is the whole reason I came to this school.

- [sighs]

Okay, actually, I have an opportunity for extra credit.

Chubbs disappeared 24 hours ago.

You bring Chubbs home, you get an A in my class.

- Alrighty, then.

[country music]

- Y'all are about to see some drama.

I'm going to make a recruitment call

to the number-one high-school running back in all of Texas.

Now, I coach at a Division IV school,

so gonna have to get a little creative,

you know, just to keep up with the big dogs.

[line trilling] - Deville here.

- Byron, how you doing?

This is Coach Boon E. Potter

down at Sammy Davis Senior Junior College.

ow would you like to be

our starting running back next season?

- Man, I committed to Auburn.

They're giving me a million dollars and a car.

Why would I go to a crap school I've never heard of?

- Maybe because I'm willing to offer you

$2 million

and a sneaker deal.

- Whoo-hoo! I'm in!

Hey, Mom, quit your job.

We're going to move somewhere safe.

- Were you authorized to make that offer?

- No, that was just a play on words...

like Boon Country.

.

- Krystal passed her exam with a C.

It was actually a D, but I made a typo.

The point is, everybody passed their finals, and...

I got three out of the four skills on tape.

I'm just finally starting to feel good.

You know what?

Whoo!

Ow! [discordant piano notes play]

This piano hates me.

It's fine. [chuckles]

[bleep].

All right, y'all,

I want to congratulate you for passing your finals.

[all cheer]

Now, the only thing standing between you and Daytona

is a perfect pyramid. - Coach, why are you limping?

- I got hit by a...

mini horse

with a ponytail.

I'm not good at lying... [chuckles]

Which is why I don't do it.

That and the Bible says not to.

So this pyramid, yeah? [Steven clapping hands]

Steven. - Yep, oh, watch out. Ahh.

I need you-- oh, there he goes. Okay.

- Yep. - All right.

- All right, five, six, seven, eight.

Oh!

Okay, Pharaoh, let my people go...

to Daytona,

because these pyramids are sick!

- Whoo! - Yeah!

- Somebody call the FBI,

because we got a pyramid scheme on our hands.

[all cheering]

- That's what I'm talking about!

- Yes! Yes! - Yeah!

- Well done!

- We're going to Daytona. - We did it.

Let's go to the Loose Button. - Okay, baby, now hold on.

I still got to get this edited and sent in, okay?

We're not going to count our chickens just yet.

- Well, if Gil Gorkin didn't count his chickens,

he wouldn't have known two were missing.

But I found them, as I will Chubbs.

I set up a tip line looking for Chubbs,

but many gentlemen in this town have misinterpreted that.

[cell phone chimes] Oh.

Oh, okay.

Another [bleep] pic.

[country music]

- Byron Deville said I offered him $2 million,

and you believed him? - He's got it on tape.

They're making a documentary on him.

- Documentary? Well, I'm pretty sure he needs to disclose that.

What's it called? - "A Deal with the Deville."

It's a play on words.

- How is that a play on words?

Look, I will give you $3 million and a private jet

if you can make this go away.

[indistinct chatter]

- Ah, um, hello, milady.

- Hello, Mullally. - Hmm.

- Good news--I saw what might be rabbit scat in the kitchen.

- Ugh. - That could be Chubbs.

- Let's go. - Yes!

- Time is of the essence.

- Milady, my girlfriend-- they're doing a lot.

- Why is that bad?

- Before I commit, I need to know that DiMarcus is all-in.

I mean, look what happened between Art Garfunkel

and Simon Cowell.

I don't want to be like that.

- Why women be turning tables?

It's something we learn in the next trimester,

so I just don't know what's going on.

- Five dollars. - Oh, I'm good, but thank you.

- Sorry. She doesn't know how to pay for things by herself.

Here.

- Thank you, Steven Vaughn? - Yeah.

Keep the tab open, please.

- Mm. - Adorable.

- It is all happening. [laughs]

All the times that I said, we can, we will, we must,

I had some doubts about the will and the must...

truth be told, also the can.

But this team-- they really came through.

Okay, here we go.

- Oh! Okay, Pharaoh, let my people go.

- No. [chuckles]

No.

No.

No!

Oh, my God, he didn't record the pyramid.

He just recorded his--

Steven Ashley Vaughn.

Oh, you're lucky there's people here

and I don't want to go to jail.

How is this supposed to get us to Daytona?

How? Tell me. - Okay, so--

- Keep your mouth shut when you're talking to me.

This is a colossal mistake, Steven.

I never should have trusted you, but that's on me.

Is everybody here? Yep.

All right, y'all, we got to get back to the gym

and redo that pyramid.

- Peaches taught me how to drink alcohol.

[laughs] Have you ever heard of shots?

- I know you did not buy these underage kids drinks.

- No, I didn't, I swear. I can't even find my wallet.

- Well, technically, the bar is in no-man's land,

so there's no drinking age.

- [whistles] Keep 'em coming, Rick.

- All right, party's over.

Y'all got exactly two hours to sober up.

Cold shower, black coffee, put yourself in a bag of rice.

We got to be back at that gym

and ready to hit zero on that pyramid.

You heard? Go on.

Don't dance out of here, Krystal.

Not the time for dancing. - I just want to say that--

- Steven!

- Take a seat, honey.

Burden me with all your troubles.

- [scoffs]

I have a skills tape due tomorrow at 9:00 a.m.

I don't know if we're going to be able to get it in.

- Damn it.

I was doing so well, you know?

Got to be smarter.

Oh, hold on, there's a hitchhiker right here.

Give me one second.

Let's see what this is about.

[window whirring]

- Hey, doll. I saw you on the app.

Maybe we can go full-out.

[slurps]

- [panting]

- That's good. - Yeah.

- Keep going. - Yep.

- Yeah. Oh. - Oh, yeah.

- Now finish. - Yeah.

[panting] That's--that's all I got.

- Don't leave me hanging like that.

I need to see the whole Daytona routine.

- Okay, yeah. No, uh...

Oh, yeah, then DiMarcus--

he, uh, throws Krystal up into a pyramid.

- Show me on me. - Oh, if you shall.

Okay, so we just come around here.

- Ready, okay, and--

- You do this in my gym?

- Uh, ooh, Coach, no, this isn't what it looks like.

- Really? 'Cause what it looks like to me

is that you were showing our rival our routine.

- Oh, she got it on her first try.

- Ooh, Tammy, you're running scared, girl.

That's the move of somebody

who doesn't know how to be a championship coach.

- I'm not scared of anything,

except hawks that swoop down and snatch up small prey.

- [imitates bird cawing] Got you.

Get the hell out of my gym. - Got what I needed anyway.

I know your routine-- PS, colon, it sucks.

- So I didn't find Chubbs,

but I found somebody who owes you an apology.

- [scoffs] Where'd you get my horse?

Come on, Sparkles.

Ready? Okay.

- Oh. [horse chuffs]

- Out of our way, freaks.

♪ Hey, hey ♪ [horse neighs]

- You got some explaining to do.

- I'm pretty sure that maybe she probably

just rode it into town, then walked from there.

- All y'all, we got to hit this pyramid.

We have no time.

Steven, you're in time-out.

All right? Now let's go.

We got three hours before the tape is due.

Shoulder stands up. Five, six, seven.

Shrug.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, and clap.

One, hit three. - Uh-oh.

- Uh-oh? What's uh-oh? No, ma'am.

No uh-oh. - [retching]

[all scream]

- Give her a break. She's a new drinker.

- Oh, God.

- Did you get it?

.

- How much time am I looking at?

- Three. - Three months?

That's not so bad.

I could probably just tell Courteney

I was in the bathroom. - No, three years.

- That's going to be a harder sell.

Um...

is there, uh, anybody I can flip on, like my camera crew?

They've been here the whole time.

They didn't even try to stop me.

Baby, you doing okay? - No. It's over.

We got so close, but we're not going to Daytona.

This whole year has been a waste.

- Baby, what are you talking about?

You have changed those kids' lives.

- Oh, who cares, Boon?

They trusted me to get them there, and I failed.

- Courteney Potter does not fail.

You'll find a way. You always do.

Hey. - [sighs]

- Hey, you're the most determined person I know.

- Honey, you are my rock.

I don't know what I would do without you.

Promise you're never going to leave me.

- When things settle down,

remind me to tell you I'm going to prison.

- What? [door opens]

- Hello! - Krystal? What--

- Guess who learned how to use a credit card

to break into a house.

- Peaches. - You said to tutor her.

We need to talk to you in private.

- Okay.

So what's going on? What is that?

- I took it from the camera crew.

They don't lock up their equipment--it was easy.

- I also got the keys to their van.

- Krystal. - They film everything.

I bet they got the pyramid Steve [bleep] up on here.

- Wait, that is stealing.

- Do you want it or not?

- Yes...

but I need a second to rationalize it.

Okay, it's not stealing, it's borrowing.

And the footage is of us. That's not really cheating.

- Why don't we just ask them? - I'm working.

Okay.

Look, this is not a moment to take a lesson from, okay?

[whispering] Just throw it on the ground.

- [coughs] [object thuds lightly]

- [scoffs]

[normal voice] What is that? - What?

- [gasps] What? - What in the heck could it be?

- What is that? Is that a bug?

- Can we get our van keys back?

- Are you sure you got it in on time?

- Yes, honey, with two minutes to spare, all right?

It's in there. We just--we got to relax, you know?

Sometimes these things, they--they take time.

[computer dings] We got an email. Okay.

- Everybody, I found Chubbs.

And this is a great story, so buckle on up.

- Just [bleep] say it!

- Krystal. - Okay.

- Well, it turns out he was a test bunny

at The Candy Button Factory, so I'm absolutely keeping him,

and I don't care if I get a B in the class.

Thank you. That's all. No, I'm done, I'm done.

- Thank you, Sally. All right. - I know. I know.

- Before I open this, you all know you worked so hard, right?

No matter what happens...

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

We're going to Daytona.

[all cheering wildly]

[uplifting music]

- I wasn't sure if DiMarcus was all-in

until I found his women's studies final

about his female hero.

He wrote about me.

He says, Madonna is in a league of her own,

that he wants to dress me up in his love

and that I'm his ray of light.

How sweet is that?

- Yeah, I wrote about the queen of pop.

Don't say anything to my Madonna.

all: [chanting] Daytona! Daytona! Daytona!

Daytona! Daytona!

- Steven, come here.

I owe you an apology.

I was putting together footage of the pyramid,

and I saw that you showed Tammy a fake routine.

- Ha! And then I salute.

- I'm sorry. - It's fine.

You know I would never betray you, Coach.

- I do know that, 'cause you're a stand-up guy.

- This took a turn. - Oh, no, no, no.

- No? - Stand up.

That's not what's happening here.

Just go and join the team. - You sure?

- I like you like friends. That's it.

Cheerleader coach. It's--

- Coach! Get in here.

[chanting continues]

- All right, y'all, clear a path.

- Oh, okay.

I'm about to pop out and show something.

[all cheering]

- Right there. You see that? Daytona!

- Well, good luck, Deville.

I'm sorry it didn't work out. Take care.

It turns out that Auburn heard about my offer,

and they matched it,

meaning, because of what I did, that kid is sitting

on an extra million dollars and a sneaker contract.

And that is how we do things in Boon Country.

[chuckles] Whew.

It all worked out. I knew it would.

Whoo!

I'm free!

[person whistling]

- Mama, look.