Original subtitles

-Ville. -Yes, dear?

If you have to say no to something, how do you do it?

Yikes. Do you want me to stop?

No, continue. But how do you say no?

Usually I say...'No.'

I'm serious.

What do you have to say no to?

This one employment agency thing I don't want to do.

You had that research project you didn't want to do.

How did you say no?

I pretended I didn't know how to do it.

Yeah. It worked well.

-Do you want me to continue? -In what way did it work well?

-You can stop. -Okay.

You haven't been in the mood lately.

I haven't?

Wasn't the problem last time your...

-Are you joking about my soft willy? -Yes, I am.

It's forbidden.

Seriously, how did that project thing go?

I pretended I didn't know how to use the software,

so I didn't have to do anything.

You're a genius.

Keke. Come here.

Hey. Keke.

Sarppa, how's it going? Raita did a s**tty thing to you.

I'd like to ask you a favour.

I'm going to start producing. Films. For women.

I need a cameraman, and you're the best.

A hell of a bad idea.

There's no money in porn these days.

I'm not making any money with anything else, so I gotta try.

-I'll shoot one film for you. -Thank you so much, Keke.

On Tuesday. Do you have everything ready?

I have Tuesday off.

-Yeah, everything's ready. -Good. Tuesday it is then.

Do you have a sound guy, makeup, actors, a writer?

-Director? -Yes!

-Who? -Someone talented. This young woman.

Anton Kovaoksa would be great as the male lead.

-Call him. -Yeah. Good idea.

You have 5 days to get everything ready. Bye, Sarppa!

Yes! Yes!

(Employment Agency)

-You have your own company. -Yes.

But the start-up grant isn't enough,

so I'm interested in any kind of temp jobs.

We have to think about how to make use of the skills you already have.

Come check this out.

-RateAD**k.org -Excuse me?

RateAD**k.org.

People send pictures of penises.

You'll get paid to review them.

Do they all speak English?

The owners.

A few key words should be enough.

-Meaning? -'Big'. 'So big'.

'Strong'. 'Powerful'.

'Lovely'. 'Splendid'.

'Captivating'. 'Big'.

-And so on. -Yeah.

That's funny.

-How would you like... -'Big'. And so on.

I don't really...

Which one is lactose-free?

Thanks.

We got lucky. We'll be shooting Tuesday.

You should know I exaggerated a bit when I said I was a director.

You're in film school, aren't you?

I've applied a number of times but haven't gotten in.

I didn't learn my job in a school, either.

Sorry.

I have the first task for you.

You should write reviews for these d**k picks in English.

We'll get money for the company.

I haven't seen a lot of penises, but I can try.

Great. I'll forward them to you.

Gosh, it's late. I have to pick up my kid from school.

See you soon.

Next, we'll start looking for actors. This is going to be great! Bye!

-What's up? -A bit of this, a bit of that.

Anything I can help you with?

Sarppa.

-I should tell you something. -In a minute.

-Sarppa. -I'm coming!

-Tiina is pregnant. -What?

What the f**k, Olavi? What?

We've been trying ever since we got married,

-it's not my fault. -How far along is she?

-6 months. -6 months! Olavi, for f**k's sake!

Does Onni know?

Mum. Dad.

-Hi. -Hi.

-Why is the mood so tense? -It's not. It's good.

Come here, sweetie.

-Sweetheart. How was school? -Good.

I guess you're leaving now.

-Dad, why is your shirt unbuttoned? -I was wondering the same.

Call me tonight. And brush your teeth in the morning.

Well, you know all that.

Onni, see you on Monday.

Hi.

-You're 15 minutes late. -I am? Sorry.

My sense of time sucks. Everyone complains about it.

Come on, let's go.

That's what I just told you.

Damn, he's still hot.

We did 'Horny Godmothers 2' together. It was amazing.

You know the feeling when you've broken up

and need comfort, maybe a rebound.

-Did you break up? -No, my ex is having a child.

With his wife. We had an affair.

I had an affair with him, not her, but it's over now.

Sounds...

Hi, Anton!

Sarppa! Damn.

-'Horny Godmothers 2'! -'Horny Godmothers 2'!

And you are?

-Linnea. -Linnea.

-Do you also work in the industry? -No. I mean, in a way, yes.

Sweet.

We have a gig for you.

I'm getting paid 10,20 euros an hour here, so yes, I'm interested.

'Horny Goddaughters' might be fun...

She'll direct.

I'll produce.

Sweet.

It'll be feminist.

-Porn. -I'm a feminist.

-2,000. -How about a discount for a friend?

-2,000 is my price. -It used to be 200.

Look where that got me.

Okay. We'll pay you 2,000.

Sweet!

It'll be worth it.

-How much is a cup? -A little under 2.5 decilitres.

-How old is Ismo? -He's going to be 65.

-Is Eliel coming to the party? -He has to work.

But I'll bring him over for lunch some Sunday

because he might be the one for me.

Really? That's great.

-Congratulations. -Thank you.

Our sex life is mind-blowing.

Oh.

Everyone should expand their sexual horizon from time to time.

What have you done to improve your sexuality recently?

Nothing special.

You know, the basics. Sex parties, toys.

OneFans. Did I mention sex parties?

-Yes. -No, I didn't.

Yes, you did. What's OneFans?

If you have any kink or need new ideas,

there's always someone on OneFans who does exactly that.

One time I got excited about giant women.

They were really big.

You'll have better self-knowledge

when you explore the things that turn you on.

Right.

(What you jerk off to makes your soul go 'oh...')

-Then the female lead. -Oh, yeah.

-Let's start looking. -Yes, we will.

Sorry, I'm on my break.

We don't need dancing now, but we might have a gig for you.

Okay.

-I'm Sari Nieminen. -I know.

I just started a company that makes erotic films for women.

-Wow, cool. -Thanks.

We're looking for the female lead for our first film.

Okay. What's the film about?

Why don't you tell her? You're the director.

Well, it's your basic stuff.

Penetration under the covers with pan flutes playing.

That's what women want, right?

'Under the covers with pan flutes playing.'

I was just trying to be funny.

-Is my business a joke to you? -No. I just...

-You know what? Classic. -What is?

You trying to get me to ditch you.

I'm sorry.

I promised you way too much when I said I'd work for you.

I can't do porn.

People in the film industry can be very judgmental.

If I want to be a serious director some day...

Don't you ever wonder... what people think about you?

No. Because I know what people think about me.

This is Sarppa Nieminen, hi. I need a director.

-What? -(I only work for Raita.)

Why?

You directed 'Goldfingered'. It was really good.

I was in your film 'I Know Who You Did Last Summer'.

You still in the business?

This is Sarppa Nieminen. You directed 'Butt Emperor's Castle'.

-Yes, I liked it. -(I have a contract with Raita.)

This is Sarppa Nieminen...

-(I work exclusively for Raita.) -F**k.

You're not available? Why not?

-You only work for Raita? -(I'm not destroying her monopoly.)

S**t.

(Onni, Mum, Dad)

Hi, Linnea.

Hi. Hi. Hi.

In your face.

In your face, a cock.

Cock, cock, cock...

Linnea, your phone.

What the f**k?

I wonder if everyone has arrived.

Irma, you old goose. Come on in.

-F**k. -What?

I went and yelled at her when I didn't get into film school.

Don't look.

I immediately decided to invite her to celebrate with us.

Irma and I studied together.

Now Irma teaches film directing to my son Lucas.

Here's my daughter Linnea.

-We've met. A number of times. -That's right, that's right...

I wish you a warm welcome.

I turn 65 today, which I'm sure you all know,

but did you know

that my son Lucas and I have the exact same birthday?

Let's celebrate Lucas instead.

Happy birthday!

Happy birthday!

Oh, my God. I wasn't expecting this.

Dad turns 65, which means I'm 28.

Let's face it. My youth is gone.

I'm so lucky to have you all in my life.

My dad, friends and family, Irma, my sister.

Dad, I prepared a poem for you. It actually suits both of us.

I wrote a poem because I don't want to be seen

as a film director only.

I think there are more sides to me than that.

Okay. Here we go.

'Hot, wet, sweaty, lusty.'

'An artist!'

'May Eros burn a hole in my heart,'

'flush through my innards and fire a flame out my phallus!'

'For I, the artist, am chosen.'

'Eros, Himeros, Pothos, you have chosen me.'

'Eros, Himeros, Pothos.'

'Like a mother who pushes a child out of her womb.'

'I create for you a world.'

'For you are I, but above all, I am you.'

'The chosen.'

'An artist.'

Bravo.

Thank you. Just something I wrote.

Oh. Hi.

Do you want anything? There's still food.

-Do you have Brie? -Yes, here.

May I say something?

I shouldn't have barged in and yelled at you. I'm sorry.

-Apology accepted. -Thank you.

I promise I won't do that next year.

-Next year? -Yes.

Linnea. I'm not sure how to put this.

You're Ismo's daughter.

That's why we've never dropped you in the first round.

What?

Every year you deliver an okay performance.

An okay performance?

But you never show us who you really are.

Well, sorry if I haven't written poems about my f**king phallus

or damn Pothos.

Lucas's poem was ridiculous, but at least he took a risk.

That's what directors need to do. Directing isn't for everyone.

-Here's the Brie? -Yes.

-Is everything okay? -Yes.

Do you miss her?

No. It's good Mum died.

Otherwise Dad and Lucas wouldn't have their male genius club.

I think we've celebrated enough. Do you want to go home?

You've had a rough week.

I could cuddle you a bit.

Do you always have to cuddle?

I'm going for a walk. See you later at home.

Ismo! Ismo!

Lucas! Lucas!

Hello?

What a rotten weather!

Ville!

House 11B...House 11A.

-Thanks for the pics, Sari. -You're welcome, Linnea.

I know where we'll find the female lead.

I don't have time for your games. I have to feed my child.

I got scared because I know nothing about sex.

I've never... I mean, there's something wrong...

I've never had an orgasm!

Oh, honey.

If you could give me another chance.

I might want to try to find the thing that turns me on.

Maybe something that will make me come

will also work for someone else.

Linnea.

What are you looking for?