Original subtitles

And yes, you'll, of course,

receive our complimentary football phone.

Yeah, very well.

But do you understand it's yours at no cost?

Oh.

Okay then.

Cheers.

Was that you or me?

You.

♪ Well, it's hard, it's so hard ♪

♪ Well, it's hard ♪

♪ Well, it's hard to forget you ♪

♪ It's hard, it's so hard ♪

♪ I'm on top of the world ♪

♪ Don't you know what I mean ♪

♪ I am standing in the back so that I am unseen ♪

♪ So that I am unseen ♪

♪ The quota is set, and the quota is met ♪

♪ Don't you mess with love roulette ♪

♪ I'm on top of the world ♪

♪ Don't you know what I mean ♪

♪ I am standing in the back so that I am unseen ♪

♪ So that I am unseen ♪

♪ The quota is set, and the quota is met ♪

♪ Don't you mess with love roulette ♪

It just comes easy for you, doesn't it?

Like clubbing baby seals.

I hope you appreciate it.

When are you gonna slide this mattress back on the spring?

All right.

Oops.

Nice muscles.

Steroids.

Nice

those.

Those, those, those what?

Boobs.

It's not like the first time you've seen 'em.

Well, they're still action-packed.

You said that before.

I haven't changed my mind.

Thanks.

Brand spanking?

Yeah.

Oh.

You any good?

What?

You any good?

I don't think you are.

You wouldn't be wasting your time talking

to me if I wasn't, am I right?

Roz!

Hey, Roz!

Who's your dork sidekick?

His predictions never come true.

Huh?

Hate Crime John?

Cock-sucker.

What a fucking ponce.

I was gonna kick his ass.

I know.

Thanks for not though.

My God, that is some fine art in Roz, yeah?

You still not rocking no-ink-yourself concept?

I'm all right with no one drawing on me.

Heard you blew off gymnastics.

I said I'd only do the one event, yeah.

Scholarship to a real school.

Yeah, but I got smoked.

Well, you kinda need to go by the format, mate.

At the same time, you were doing shit

that no one else would even dare try.

I mean, why the hell else are you being scouted

after only one event ever?

Figure they can teach you the rules, right?

I'm okay paying my own way.

All right.

Do you know what you've got, Ogden?

What's that?

A governor.

Around age eight or nine,

your rank-and-file honky begins to grow a governor,

and that is what you did.

The Third World just don't get that.

See,

a governor keeps you from acting

on everything and anything that dawns on you.

Gives you an extra gear or two socially,

so you're not just some dopey on-and-off switch.

You can withstand your natural instincts

and behave yourself within the confines

of a developed society.

It makes it so you can listen, focus, process information.

Did you buy five boxes hoping to one find one rookie card?

Might be worth a pretty penny in 20 years.

And I did not buy five boxes.

You crook.

In this life you're either a crook or victim, mate.

You gotta take your pick.

♪ Don't wanna hear you call on the phone ♪

♪ I don't want you around ♪

Ah, Hate Crime John.

Come on, let's keep this show on the road.

All right, take it easy, give us a moment,

just packin' up over here, mate.

Don't touch it, don't touch it, officer!

I'm a taxpayer, by the way.

I pay your salary.

Oh, me too. You don't seem like the taxpaying type.

Racism, race plus ism equals racism,

and it's just plain John, all right?

Okay, just plain John.

John Decalcomania, to be clear.

And don't come back.

Heard it might rain.

Yeah.

So divide and conquer, right?

Guess so.

Guess so?

It's that easy?

Don't know about that part.

So we're good then, yeah?

So goes the plan, right?

What are you doing, fucking asshole?

I'll make you cum.

You saved my life.

Ah, uh, you don't know that for sure.

And you really don't owe me.

Do you like to cum?

Well, it beats a back massage,

but I do enjoy those, too.

Listen, you, you, you don't owe me.

Yeah, I do.

All right, give me 10 bucks.

What?

10 bucks, we'll call it a draw.

I don't have 10 bucks.

So...

I'm rusty.

Cool.

I'm Beth.

No, I mean, I'm a little out of practice.

That's all.

So, I'm Ogden.

Yeah.

Goodbye.

You have retard strength, don't you?

Aren't you gonna ask me how I fell?

You gonna tell me?

I was gonna let you use me

for friction back there, you know?

I haven't eaten in two days.

Wish I had your willpower.

Sucker.

I hate being the new kid.

Well, it ain't that bad.

You get to meet all sorts of new folks,

broaden your horizons.

You sound like my dad.

Mine too, I guess.

No way I fit in.

Well, if you did,

you'd just be another sheep in the flock, right?

You can't win either way

if you give a shit about any of that stuff.

Why're you so happy?

Missy Blancmange.

Ogden Confer.

Did you get a load of that dress?

What, you like it?

Don't like dresses enough to not like it.

You don't like dresses?

You wear dresses.

You wear dresses?

So?

Are you a weirdo?

Yeah.

When do you wear dresses?

Wore.

When do you wore dresses?

When I fought.

And now you don't wear dresses?

And I don't fight.

I got called out once, to meet, you know.

So I just showed up dressed for the occasion.

Bet he was surprised.

Impressed.

She was not expecting that, I figured.

She?

Well, you know, I got called out.

What was I gonna do?

Couldn't not show up, right?

Did the dress help you fight better?

Feel looser?

Less constricted?

Didn't really notice.

Did you win?

I don't know.

Didn't get asked back, though.

You're lying.

Yeah, but I was the new kid once.

After you.

You get my milk, kid?

Hold that.

This is Beth.

- Hi. - She is the proprietor

- of your milk. - Your mom and dad,

- I'm guessing. - One and the same.

Mess with one, get the other?

That's pretty much how it goes.

Beth, uh...

Drogeshoot.

Oh, I knew a Marianne Drogeshoot.

And a Marianne Hugazi.

Who turned into Marianne Drogeshoot.

Cool.

It was a painful procedure.

It was before you were born, knucklehead.

I was an accident waiting to happen.

You were not.

Happy anniversary, guys.

- Oh. - Woo-hoo.

- Ogden. - Congratulations.

How thoughtful.

How long?

20 years.

Happy?

Most of the time.

I am a pack rat.

I can't throw anything out.

Really?

Come on, pack rat.

- Hey, Dad. - Yeah?

Can I borrow five bucks?

Jump, Jesus!

When Ogden was a rascal, he crawled into church.

He looked way up, at the big Lord on the cross,

and yelled, "Jump, Jesus!"

First words.

- Ever? - Close.

What did you do?

Laughed, quietly, you know.

I was teaching Sunday school at the time,

if you can believe that.

I think you're some steel-spiked biker chick now.

Yes.

Anyway, this is our little family memento to that day.

- Hey, Dad. - Mm.

You think the lunar landing was a hoax?

I think it'd take more people to make the hoax happen

than can keep a secret.

Oh.

So, um, are you in any of Ogden's classes then, Beth?

I'm thinking about changing my name.

Oh?

Yeah, from now on, I'd like to be addressed as, uh...

Yeah?

Would you pass the potatoes, please?

Sure.

So how do you spell...

Still working on that.

I got a couple of options in test market right now.

Good to see that you're getting some learning, son.

Good thinking.

Testing proves testing works.

- Abubakar? - Here.

- Dainter? - Here.

- Morada? - Here.

- Here! - Lamange? - Here.

- Tacockamamia? - Oy!

Well, you make me proud.

Uh, middle name?

For Which It Stands.

- Nice. - Yeah.

Are you Whistler's Mother?

Yes.

So he wasn't lying.

About what?

He told me to call him Buttwhistle.

Said everybody does.

Well, yes, but now he wants to be called...

And in related news,

Elizabeth Bergsrud, daughter

of Griswold Peter Kaiser Bergsrud, whose head exploded

in his office yesterday is still missing.

A spokesperson for her mother, Esmeralda Gilstrap,

could not be reached for comment.

It was nice of your folks

to let me stay here

while mine are organizing the move.

Seems like one of 'em are in the pooper.

So did he ever call you to call him Buttwhistle?

No.

Hmm.

You never told me to call you Buttwhistle.

No, but feel free to.

Messin' with nature again, ain't ya?

Hmm?

Ever thought about killing yourself?

Recall a few times being on top

of a building or a tall bridge

and wondering what it would be like if I jumped?

Yeah?

And?

I figured it'd hurt some,

or I'd pass out on the plummet.

I heard that could happen, too.

But I can't say I pondered it much more

than any passing curiosity.

Mm.

Though if I did, I'd go for style points.

- Oh, would you? - Flips, twists,

that sort of thing.

No sense going out flailing around and junk, right?

I know that life isn't for everyone,

if that's what you're driving at.

Good catch.

What?

Me.

Oh, thanks.

No.

Thank you.

Do you see a doctor?

Do I?

Or do I need to?

Do, need.

I don't need to, because I didn't get hurt.

You saved me.

Lucky to be alive.

If being alive is lucky.

What do I owe you?

You don't.

Oh, you didn't seem to like what I offered before.

Like didn't much enter into it.

Nothing much seemed to enter into it.

Yeah, what, what's up with that, buddy boy?

What's up with what?

Um, she seemed to have a pretty good handle on things,

if you know what I mean, I mean, no pun...

- I already got my Valentine. - Do you?

Mm.

Grow up, pal.

What, is it gonna change your outcome?

Couple of critters follow you home there, quick draw?

I'm a model, you know?

I didn't, but I'm not surprised.

Nothing dirty.

Just a bikini or two.

No salt and dots, though.

No way I show my nips or front butt

to some perv photog.

If you hear applauding,

it's this perv dog, right here.

Wanna see more?

You don't owe me anything.

Keep reminding me.

Come on.

Did you hire me?

No.

Then it's free.

Well, so it this.

Do these boobs make me look fat?

Well, I did die.

Ogden!

Yeah?

Phone, it's the Blancmanges!

Who are the Blancmanges?

Neighbors.

Missy?

Why is it your responsibility to fix her burnt-up house?

They paying you?

Just lendin' a hand, is all.

You go, John Book.

Are you going to Europe?

Well, we thought we'd give the Caymans a try.

We did the Europe trip last year.

Did you meet any Europeans?

Okay, you kids be good.

There's tuna casserole in the fridge.

All relevant numbers on the fridge.

See you in a few.

Yahoo!

- Thank you. - Mm-hmm.

Safe trip, you guys.

Be a good boy.

I owe dough.

Who?

To what, more like.

How much?

Hundy.

Why?

Why not?

I'll pay you back.

Maybe...

Missy!

Missy, Missy, Missy, Missy, Missy!

Hello.

Sorry. I just hit ya in the tit, didn't I?

Ah, tit hit, it happens.

It's accidental.

Just wait till it's on purpose next time.

Bummer about your crispy digs.

Yeah, just a bit.

But hey, what's not to like

about the Lee Harvey Oswald suite, right?

Got a view of the book depository.

Got a license to fly that bird, darling?

- Sorry again about Mr. - And Mrs Brain Sample.

Who?

My dogs.

Daring monikers.

They survived the fire

and then some asshole poisoned them.

Yeah, it sucks.

I was thinking we should open our own T-shirt shop.

Well, we were on Maui and...

There's one on every corner.

I'm sorry, not outside the box enough for you?

We did say no wrong answers.

Is saying outside the box even outside the box?

How did I wind up with you two?

By-product of being born.

What about band-aids for people of color?

Oh.

Racist.

Why?

He said people of color.

Yes, and that's acknowledging a difference among races.

So you're saying that a band-aid should only match

the paint job of a honky?

Fair is fair, right?

Pretty sure there could be a market for this.

Could be?

They're whaling out spanking new brothers left and right,

and when they get scuffed up, they're gonna need...

A band-aid.

There she is.

And any one will do.

It's too controversial.

We'll flunk.

Sorry.

What else?

Grades matter to you?

Sure.

Gotta think of something.

Yeah, probably ought to.

Who made her the group leader, by the way?

The teacher.

She's okay.

No, she's horrible, mate.

God, she's trying.

You had the only ideas.

She just stirred you around.

She's the group leader.

So?

So not everybody gets a opportunity

to be in charge of stuff.

Let her make the most of hers.

You only put a girl in charge

if you need a babysitter, mate,

not if you're trying to make your mark.

Uh-uh, I'm sorry.

Makes sense, huh, Grandma?

Slow down, now.

Slow down?

Hey, I'm a Yale grad, kid.

Then you know what I mean.

Might want to swap that diploma for a driver's license,

right about now, huh, Mrs. Confer?

Hate Crime John.

Yes, ma'am.

I had a pit bull, never bit anybody.

True story, true story, wouldn't hurt a fly.

It was like you in a dog suit.

I hurt flies, sometimes.

We'll mail prizes to ya.

Here you go, kid.

Oh!

Victory!

Grandma, you rule in a savage way.

Bye!

Quick question,

did she just stash those in the bushes?

I don't know.

How come you just didn't drop her off at her house?

She doesn't like having anyone knowing where she lives.

How long have I known her?

How long have you not known where she lives?

Heard they glossed her Dale Carnegie.

Do you know why?

My grandma?

No.

Oh.

Who, why?

'Cause she uses her little region

to win friends and influence people.

How many guesses do I get?

Did you finish your lunch, mate?

'Cause I'd be more than willin'

to stir up her guts if you're not gonna,

or alternatively, even if you are.

Why not mix me in for a dose,

and I'll chuck her back over when I'm done?

It'll be a classic case of regifting, my friend.

I give up.

Who's her?

Come on, mate.

That frothy, little plum daiquiri you've been chuggin',

she's your new girl, isn't she?

How you figure?

You eat her pussy?

Personally, I don't eat nothin' that gets up

and walks away when I'm done.

Beth, right?

Where she from?

She fell from the sky.

You got an answer for everything, don't you, mate?

I'm not gonna answer that.

Come on, mate.

She sign up for any classes,

'cause I never see her at college?

Where's she from?

You got the goods.

I should be asking you.

Called her this morning.

She told me not to call anymore.

Said it'd be better for me to wait till you call me.

That's funny.

You said the same thing to my sister.

Funny?

I bet you wish Rose weren't dead, don't you, mate?

I know I do.

Catch.

Oh, for moi?

You bet.

You make this

at the world's largest shopping mall, big boy?

I'm a professional.

It's part of the job, ma'am.

It's not really my color.

Sorry.

Aren't you going to ask me my color?

Yeah, what's your color?

Forget it.

You, uh, want a cookie?

No.

You sure?

They're tip-top little babies.

I said no.

My grandma whaled them out.

You can't go wrong.

You can if you're allergic.

You should know better.

Whatever happened to the,

the thought-that-counts school of gift receiving?

You're kind of funny-looking.

I'm not necessarily lovin' the mug myself,

but I'm in here drivin' the thing,

'cause that's what they gave me.

What are you doing?

Calling my grandma.

Answer me.

You just talked to her last night.

Yeah, probably call her again tomorrow, too.

You're a mama's boy?

I guess.

Pussy?

My grandpa died.

She's probably lonely.

Four months ago.

Hang up.

You're taking time away from us.

Mrs. Diffenderfer?

No, two doors down.

They're evading.

No, no, actually, Diffenderfer is two doors down.

We were just there.

Oh, Mrs., uh, Inglehoffer?

Next door.

Cookies?

Mr. Diffenderfer.

Confer.

Mr. Confer,

were you ever in a sexual relationship

with a Mr. and Mrs. Brain Sample?

They're dogs.

How do you ask a question like that?

With words.

Same questions, all the neighbors.

No.

Did you love them?

- I feared them. - Okay,

answer the question please.

- Did you love Mr. and Mrs. - Brain Sample?

What's love?

Sure, I guess, they were cool.

I liked them.

Did you get that, Fenwick?

Yup.

You guys don't think that I...

I don't know.

I couldn't feel worse about the two dead dogs, okay?

Dead?

Did you say dead?

- Did I say dead? - You said dead,

but he said dead first.

Mr. Diffenderfer.

Confer.

Mr. Confer, the dogs aren't dead.

They're doing really well.

Oh, well, so am I.

But they've, uh, turned up missing.

Turned up missing, you said turned up missing?

I did.

Oh.

Well, it doesn't really make sense, does it,

I mean, 'cause how can anyone turn up and still be missing?

I mean, do you hear what I'm trying to say?

Do you recognize it as a valid point?

Our business is done here,

for the moment.

Stay in town in case we, uh, got anything further.

- Okay. - Excellent.

- And I hope that Mr. and Mrs. - Brain Sample turn up pronto.

Oh yeah, thank you, ma'am.

Bowling shirt and jeans, I got it.

He's an athlete.

Well, I mean, he may be,

but wearing a bowling shirt doesn't necessarily

indicate any kind of athleticism.

You sayin' bowlers aren't athletes?

No, I mean, I'm not saying that.

I'm just saying that...

I mean, in my opinion, athletes wear

- jerseys, not shirts. - Hello.

And also I believe in the last name on the back,

instead of the first name on the front.

I mean, that's just apparel...

He is.

Would you like to speak to him?

It's for you.

Excuse me.

Hello.

Why did you, uh, do that?

Why did I do what, sir?

Why did you ask that party

if they wanted to speak to Officer Grumisch?

Made sense at the time.

Made sense, really?

It would've made sense for them to call

and ask if Officer Grumisch was there

but not want to speak to him?

I suppose not.

So why did you ask, "Do you want to talk to him?"

Let me put it for you another way.

Would you have been surprised

if the party had said, no, we do not want

to speak to Officer Grumisch.

We're just wondering if he's there.

Yes.

Precisely.

So what were you thinking?

Why didn't they call his phone?

- Thank you. - You watch it

in the future, okay?

All right.

What's that smell?

It smells weird.

It's disturbing.

Not digging the home cookin' there, huh, mama?

Dickhead.

It smells good to me.

Okay, I'll have sex with you now.

Hmm?

What?

What?

You're gonna say this is the first time

that ever happened?

No, it happens sometimes.

You're lying.

Really?

Hmm.

Some other time.

Where're you going?

I thought we were friends.

What are you doing?

Did you get my Christmas card?

I didn't know you at Christmastime.

Go fuck yourself.

Psst.

Where'd you learn to act that way?

- Hey. - Hey.

No classes today?

Church.

Is it even open?

How many jobs do you have?

Did you get in touch with the Drogeshoots?

The who?

Your folks.

What's with the quiz show?

I don't know, probably worried, you know, wondering.

When are you, uh,

gonna stop driving your granny everywhere?

When she scores a license, I suppose.

Why is it your responsibility now?

Well, Gramps always drove.

What's that?

- It's a heat shield. - - Pretty hand with that stuff, huh?

My dad taught me.

I can show you.

I'm hungry.

You hungry?

I can always eat.

Let's then.

I have a lawn or two to cut first.

Peasant's work?

Yeah, well, I've been a peasant since I was nine.

Wanna be my partner today?

No, thanks.

You sure?

Spit everything 50-50.

♪ Stand still, boy, take your fill ♪

♪ The black widow will wait ♪

♪ Wait for the kill ♪

♪ Wait here, wait, stay, stay, stay still ♪

♪ I think that the end is worth the thrill ♪

♪ I'm all around you ♪

I bet your folks are real proud of you.

- Don't think so Mrs. - Podgorney.

You're a grown man.

What are you doing still living living with you parents?

Nobody's raised the same anymore, are they?

What do you say, Big O?

Hey, Roz.

You comin' by the oldie later?

Oh, we'll see.

Gonna party.

Yeah, what's the theme?

Get loaded.

Didn't get the invite.

You just did.

What about Ray?

Oh, Ray and I broke up.

The psychic hotline confirmed he was cheating.

Really?

No.

Why did you say that then?

See if you'd say cool,

which would mean you're cool with dumb chicks.

Oh.

Well, guess I'm glad I didn't say cool then.

Yeah, so after 3 1/2 years,

I'm back out lookin' for love.

It's weird, huh?

Dudes.

Dudes.

You ever try a chick?

Hmm?

Worked for me.

You know, there's something not wrong with you?

What do I say to that?

Whatever you want.

So what are you going to say?

Nothing.

Cool.

So swinging by the oldie later then?

Hey, I got your back with those slobs.

Those slobs.

What?

Thanks.

Hey, Roz.

Yeah?

Um, hold on a sec.

What's that for?

Whatever.

Thanks?

It's got a lifetime guarantee,

built to withstand.

By?

Me, at the office.

Thanks.

You can chuck it if you think it sucks.

It's kind of a corny thing to say, huh?

Saying corny,

it's kind of a corny thing to say, huh?

Guess so.

You know, the right person can say pretty much anything,

won't sound corny.

- Really? - Yeah, I don't know.

It's kind of weird.

I don't know why it's that way,

but it kinda is.

So...

So no big.

Could the wrong person say just about anything

and have it be corny?

See you at the soiree, Big O.

You want to fuck her up the ass.

Maybe get yourself a good, hot cock.

Not really interested in gambling in the poo area.

I'm good with all points of attack

on the original recipe though.

So you do want to fuck her?

Answer me.

What's with all the wanna fuck stuff?

Folks either want to fuck or they don't.

They either fuckin' more than you think

or less than you think but never exactly how much you think,

so what's the use of givin' any space to the thinkin'?

Comin' to church,

Big O?

No, gonna have to sit this one out.

Got some work.

- But thanks. - Hey, Ogden.

Hey, Luna.

I'm not your dad,

but you might wanna think about droppin' in

on a class or two, huh?

That's right.

You're not.

Hey, can you give me a hand for a sec, chief?

Sure.

Show 'em who's boss, mama.

Damn, brah.

What happened to your mom's car?

Oh, hit and run.

No shite?

We're in a town.

Can you come back after dinner?

Sure.

Not you.

The kid.

Roadcap.

What?

Roadcap.

I heard what he said.

Don't call me Roadcap, kid.

Oh, I didn't.

It's his name.

Yeah.

What kind of name is Roadcap?

I don't know.

Hmm, good a name as any.

Well, can you come back after dinner, Roadcap?

Is that any way to treat company?

Man's got a point.

There's only two steaks.

Right.

Could be burning right now, huh?

Dick.

Roadcap.

Dude, why you letting that chick drive the bus?

Oh, everybody deserves a try, right?

No, not really.

It's America.

So?

Roadcap here has joined the Tournament of Thrills.

Cool.

Shouldn't he be going to school?

I am, straight B's.

The stunts are just a side gig.

You'll shoot your eye out.

He can jump seven cars.

No shit, me too,

with jumper cables.

Sorry to motor.

Eat and run?

Where's you manners, boy?

Gotta go help Ferzonki put a top end on his Harley.

- Hey, Cap. - Hi.

You gettin' paid?

Uh, no, the dude's broke.

Bank won't fund the shop any more loot.

Well, just be careful.

I am.

Man, dude knows his shit though.

How do you know?

Ask him.

The guy's like 30.

Figure I'd help him out.

What?

There's no dipshit you won't help.

Don't be like me.

Yank the thorn out of the critter's foot,

doesn't mean he's not gonna eat ya.

And there's still too much play down here.

Was that for me?

It's all for you, baby.

Hello, this is Agnes Pitmore.

You seem to have crashed into my car.

Could you please give me a call back at 555-8246?

Grandma.

They used to call me Rab Fats.

You're okay?

Mm.

♪ I've been holding my hands out ♪

♪ Trying to find my way around ♪

♪ Like the bush I've been blinded ♪

♪ So I keep staring at the ground ♪

Guess I was playin' magic chef again, huh, kid?

You okay?

Oh, sure.

I don't remember crashing out, though.

And I was in the kitchen, last thing I remember.

I mean, but you're okay, though, right?

Oh yeah, yeah.

Sorry about Stanley.

Oh, that's okay.

He's a homing parrot.

Cool.

You want some cookies?

From a previous batch though.

Come on, take 'em, kid,

or the terrorists win.

Elizabeth Bergsrud,

daughter of Griswold Peter Kaiser Bergsrud,

whose head exploded in his office,

remains missing.

Or is the correct term at large?

And a scary situation off the coast

of East Africa this morning,

Somali pirates struck again,

capturing yet another yacht and taking five hostages.

You think Sally Struthers would have gone ahead

and let the flies buzz in hindsight.

If Struthers had her druthers.

Hmm.

Delicious.

Yeah, she whips up some choice ones, huh?

Yeah, that she does.

Dogs feelin' better?

Yes, they were missing.

Then they came home.

We still haven't arrived at a proper business.

Sure we have.

I don't think the band-aid concept is gonna cut it.

Let's put it to a vote.

This is a democracy, right?

Old ladies' cookies.

Hmm?

Something like that.

Something like what?

Well, figure everybody's pretty okay

with fresh-baked goods, wouldn't you say?

Everybody loves baked goods.

And it's just plain given

that an old lady has a way of givin' an oven the bidness.

Am I right? I mean, it's a known fact.

Yeah, I guess.

It's the law of the way, Missy.

I mean, old ladies' baked stuff is a winner.

You can't go wrong.

Aging population, Missy,

gives them something to do,

something that they like to do,

something that they're good at doing.

They're gonna do it anyway, right?

- I like it. - Why not make a little money doing so?

It could double as a decent social cause, too,

if you do it properly.

- We. - If we do it properly.

Folks'll make a special trip

to get what these gals are doling out.

I mean, I know I would.

I just did.

Bake it and they will come.

Oh, you're feelin' it, aren't you?

Hello.

Yeah, this is Ogden.

What?

Yeah, it's a girl name, twat.

You heard me.

Crashed nothing.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Don't call here again, okay?

Twat.

You know what I think?

Sometimes.

I think you, uh, adopt people.

- Ah. - Ah!

No big fat plan, if that's what you're angling for.

You realize you've surrounded yourself

with people who are in no way like you.

And they're no way like each other.

Answer me.

What was the question?

First one to breath in lose.

What?

Do you like Mentos?

Are those the two mints in one?

No, that's Certs.

Oh.

You're going to drag dorks to the soiree

so many times so that they don't ask you back.

You know who said that?

Gravy trainin' my glossary again,

- huh, Slim? - Uh-huh, as it applies.

Yeah.

I was an asshole, huh?

Hmm, maybe you were right.

You know what else?

What else?

Start hanging around dorks,

they're gonna think that you're one of 'em, you know.

And you become their peer.

I heard that somewhere, too.

Maybe I'm just seeing how it is with handicap.

You're not that good.

Maybe I'm not bad.

♪ Wah, yeah ♪

Do you even like these dummies?

No, they power suck.

Why you hang around them then?

Oh they're okay.

Make up your mind.

Do you like every grocery bag that you went through

when you went through grocery bags?

So it's a job?

How many jobs do you need?

You don't even get paid.

Who hired you, hmm?

Who, who even asked you?

Excuse me.

♪ Yeah, like a motorcycle hassle ♪

♪ I'm here hoppin' four lanes in a single bound, yeah ♪

♪ I gotta hit the path ♪

♪ I'll be here tossin' hippies all over the road ♪

♪ Yeah, I hope my friend gets one ♪

Get on down there, then, go, Brewster!

Come on, baby, or else I'm gonna eat you!

I don't want to.

I have to!

All I had for lunch are this little loudmouth soup,

and I'm starving.

♪ I'm bound to and fro ♪

And stop calling me Teddy Jo.

All right.

Go ahead, DeGunion, fire it up.

♪ Oh all right ♪

♪ Know that was low ♪

♪ Oh he could be lost with you ♪

♪ He could be passing around ♪

Hey, don't you think...

Don't I think what, huh?

Take it back.

He called you cow tits.

What?

♪ So how you go so low, you creep ♪

♪ You land them blows in tropical heat ♪

♪ A squeaking door will always squeak ♪

♪ So up two, down one, we'll never be ♪

♪ Please leave us ♪

♪ Those are all right ♪

♪ Do it all, 'cause it's fun ♪

That's it!

Ferzonki, he's a piece of shit.

He's an over-the-counter douche.

Um, do you ever feel bad

for someone you kicked the shit out of?

No.

I feel bad for the mom.

No mom wants to see her kid's ass kicked.

Unless she's the one doing the kicking.

Go out and get a new outfit just to have some asshole

in a dress drag it and the kid in it through the dirt.

- Tough to find charm in that. - Go, Mom.

Whoa.

Whoa!

Roadcrap, hey, get me a beer!

Hey, yeah Roadcrap.

Hop to it, fuzz nuts!

What?

Had a blonde moment.

What do you want?

You probably ought to not bring that girl around no more.

Yeah.

Fuzz nuts?

Yeah, fuzz nuts.

Mom and Dad know you're using their tub?

I'm a troublemaker, so.

And a party pooper.

How's that?

You should've let Roadcrap make the jump

or let cow tits eat that fat kid.

Thanks for the help, by the way.

Well, you said it, too.

Cow tits?

Worked in a pinch.

You know what you're problem is?

What's my problem?

Your problem is that you don't have a problem.

You never have.

Hmm, I'm workin' on it.

I can tell.

What are you doing?

Yeah, uh, yeah, I know what you're,

I know what you're doing.

Then why are you asking?

Just trying to lend a hand.

- Share maybe. - Share what?

I'm lucky.

Maybe your luck isn't yours to give.

Mate!

How many people do you know who blow a shot,

more than one shot, by the way, at the pros,

only to stick around in the minors

and help out a bunch of shitheads?

Well, the answer is none, zero, the null set,

the set whose numbers are none.

You're America, motherfucker.

You put a rock on the trailer in 10 seconds flat,

and now you're gonna get your ass blown up,

passing out fuckin' candy bars.

What the fuck?

Um, look, Ogden, I, I see where you're going with this.

I do.

You know, it must suck, going through life sucking.

What if someone had given them a chance?

All right, but you'll find there's a reason

why they don't get a chance, brah.

- Diggin' the brah part. - Yeah.

There's shit these dorks don't get that they can't learn.

Maybe they don't want to.

Maybe whining about being second fiddle

is just their freaking destiny, you know.

Sound familiar?

You're not an asshole, Ogden.

You're fine, normal.

A normal asshole.

In fact, the more you try not to be an asshole,

the more monumental an asshole you become.

You bring out the worst in people,

because you're a sucker.

You can't will talent

or initiative on someone, you know,

or kindness.

You're already out of the burnin' building, mate.

Why do you keep on goin' back in

and pullin' fuckers out?

I don't understand.

Can I say one more thing?

Just one?

Mm-hmm.

- Yeah, shoot. - Why do it?

Why does a dog lick his clankers?

My God, did you see that?

That thing's a flea-bitten beast.

It looks like someone stepped on a tarantula egg

or saw Don King.

And it's Ogden's wings are fuckin'.

You want fries with that?

I want thighs with that.

Did you make me some?

Make your own.

Your folks called.

Liar.

Did you see my belt kickin' around here somewhere?

No, quit blaming me for losing everything.

Yello!

What's with the yello?

I ain't feelin' blue.

You can get clear band-aids.

- Really? - Yeah.

You know what that means?

I know that it means that there are still none specific

to any skin tone but one.

Nope, ebony, a band-aid in every shade.

That's funny.

Pretty sure we moved on to cookies, though.

Okay, yeah, I'll be there.

All right, bye-bye.

You're defensive.

That's 'cause I know that we are missin' out

on a market opportunity.

We?

Yeah.

Ah.

I think you want to fuck her.

Well, I noticed that there was a few photos missing.

- Photos of? - Rose.

- Rose? - Yeah.

Why would you be looking at photos of Rose anyway?

I was gonna ask you the same thing.

How do you know I was?

Where's my kiss?

I would've tossed her when she stole my money.

Grandma always figures that everybody's basically good,

deep down, you know.

And you?

Stuff's more fun that way, I suppose.

But what do you think?

I think nobody's all bad.

What are you doing?

Walking to work.

Why are you going this way?

I don't know, it's the way I go.

I know, every fuckin' time, and I can't stand it.

Creature of habit, I guess.

Did you just call me creature, fuckwad!

I called me a creature, of habit.

I don't want to go this way.

I don't want to go this way!

Fuck, I don't want to go this way!

Let me the fuck out!

Let me the fuck out!

Hey, asshole!

Which one?

Fuck off!

Me or him?

You, Peaches.

Stop chewing.

I'm goin' to the red door.

What?

Most people fight when they're pissed.

You're pissed?

Do you take

the Lord Jesus Christ as your Savior?

It's cool if you do, though.

You're not going to Heaven.

Hopin' it all works out, but how do you know?

Duh, everybody knows.

Outside chance God doesn't have the ego of a human?

Doesn't give two if you believe or not.

Might not be angling for the savior level accolades either,

for all we know.

And you don't know.

Then that makes two of us.

No.

What?

Pushy little mofos, aren't they?

Whatever.

Do you care if they think that you're their savior?

I am their savior.

Sorry.

Excuse me.

Hi.

Do you have Ogden's money?

I'm sorry.

Don't be.

Just pay up.

For?

He's been stopping by every day after work,

fixing up your digs.

Says you owe him some money for the effort,

and it's past due, and he's been bugging me to collect it.

Sorry, he's been bugging you.

Only in passing.

Got the money?

Well, did he say how much?

Don't you know?

- Sorry, I don't. - You're sorry a lot, 300.

Um...

He insisted.

Says he doesn't work for free.

20.

Looks like we're gonna have to owe you the rest.

Him.

I'll let him know.

Hope he doesn't take it out on me.

Kill the messenger, right?

Hate that.

I'm, uh, Mr. Blancmange, by the way, Angus.

I know.

Hey!

Hey.

Um, yeah, okay, we've, uh,

we've gone ahead and knocked off for today.

Okay.

You guys gonna take advantage of the nice day?

Yeah, yeah.

Thanks so much for offering.

- Made great progress. - Yeah, great progress.

Well, okay.

Guess I'll just swing back by tomorrow.

Try and get off work early,

but I'm sure it'll be okay.

I'll see you then.

You guys enjoy your afternoon.

Here, have some lemonade.

No, didn't earn it today.

Hey, you haven't noticed anything strange

about lately?

No.

Come on.

Hello.

It's me.

Hi, Dad.

You didn't see my pillow mint, did you?

Still here.

Save that for me, will you?

Sure, no problem.

Say, you haven't seen Ogden, have you?

No, why?

Nothing, just curious.

Is someone there with you?

Hate Crime John.

Who?

- John. - Oh, okay.

- Bye, sweetie. - Bye.

This is kind of like in-flight refueling

for you, innit?

You're a World War I SPAD,

and I'm a C-130 Hercules tanker.

Woo, yeah.

♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ Bomp, shu bomp, shu bomp ♪

What the fuck, cow tits?

Ow, God!

Gangrene set in.

He doesn't have insurance.

He just chopped the mofo clean off.

Why are you helping this fucker?

Cooked it and ate it too.

He swapped a '57l Fl 74 Panhead

for those trick pinchers right there.

It's a plastic toy.

There's a little metal.

Do they come with a cover piece,

like a sleeve housing thing

that makes it look like a hand and an arm?

Yeah, I didn't get that part,

but the mechanics are good, right?

I mean, it's solid?

Probably should swing back by in a day or two,

and we should re-torque the joints.

Fuck.

What?

Aren't you tired of paying someone

to treat you like an asshole in your spare time?

Let me go.

Okay.

Got any money?

I don't know, do I?

What's that supposed to mean?

Hello.

Yes, this is Ogden.

No, I am not a girl.

Oh really?

Someone crashed into your car, too, huh?

I'm sure if we put our heads together, one sec.

Well, that sounds like it'd hurt.

There are no girls here, at least, not right now.

You're more than welcome to come by and...

Okay.

Would you treat her friends the way

that she treats yours?

Okay, um, would you do to her stuff what she does to yours?

No, and would you do any of the stuff

that she does to you, to her?

What's good for the goose?

Mm, sorta.

Dumb, mean, lazy and crooked,

gonna ride that combo to glory, big fella.

Wonder if it's something that can't be helped.

She is kind of hot though.

Like when a dog craps on the road,

it craps on it because it's a dog.

Can't really help it.

No ill intent, it just is.

You talkin' to the soap, bro?

Oy!

Okay, try not to be too much

of a sucker, buddy boy.

Being a sucker's the biggest luxury there is.

You know better.

That's the weird part, right?

Mm.

You haven't seen my wallet kicking around, have you?

Hi.

Heard it might rain.

It is raining.

Are you following me?

I don't know.

Where you going?

Home.

- Look, Beth... - My name's not Beth.

Do you wish it was?

Can I call you Eric?

No.

You can call me Eric?

I, I, I, I!

Aye-aye, Captain!

What?

It's all about you.

No.

You know what else?

What?

I'd jump on a grenade to save your life.

Why?

'Cause it would make me feel better about me.

How you been since we last spoke?

Great.

Thanks.

Here's your change for the tape.

Lost your wallet, sorry.

You don't have to succeed at this, okay?

For once.

Fuck you, fuckin' fucker.

Ogden, I don't want you there

when the time comes, okay?

- Look... - Mm-mm.

I don't want you to remember me like that.

I wouldn't.

You would.

And it would power suck.

I can take it.

Maybe it ain't all about you, huh?

Can, can I have my vanity, please?

Friend?

I just want to see you off, you know.

You already did.

I'll catch you later.

Divide and conquer, right?

Get out of here.

♪ Yeah, I know that we are through ♪

♪ But there's nothing left I can do now ♪

♪ Better not, not go by ♪

♪ I should've known, and oh man, I wanna die ♪

♪ I don't want to, but I can't find ♪

♪ 'Cause I can't get you out of my mind ♪

♪ Well, it's hard, it's so hard ♪

♪ Well, it's hard ♪

♪ Well, it's hard to forget you ♪

♪ It's hard, it's so hard ♪

♪ Well, it's hard ♪

♪ Yeah, it's hard to forget you ♪

♪ Spring, summer, winter, fall ♪

♪ And I ain't seen you at all ♪

♪ Now, I'm gonna do is get the rain ♪

♪ And pour it to the bottle of pain ♪

♪ Well, I know that we are through ♪

♪ And there's nothin' left I can do ♪

♪ Well, it's hard, it's so hard ♪

♪ Well, it's hard ♪

♪ Well, it's hard to forget ♪

What's your name?

Pardon?

- What's your name? - Name?

- Uh, guys, it's me, Mrs. - Diffenderfer.

Hey, what's your name, real name?

- Hey! - Grabbed it.

Get up.

So you misplaced your wallet, huh, kid?

Why you?

I don't know.

I should probably find out soon though.

Next time, you know, just don't talk to her, okay?

851!

Nothing compares to these little beauties.

So you're saying they're better than nothing?

No, I'm saying they're better than crullers.

Right, but crullers are something.

And if you add anything to nothing,

then it becomes something.

It's no longer part

- of your comparison. - No.

That's different.

No, it isn't.

Well, then it's the same, but it's different.

- It can't be, really. - Sure, it can.

No, I mean, how can something be the same but different?

It can't.

It's not possible.

The same, different, the two things are, uh,

mutually exclusive.

If I stick my thumb up my ass,

that's one thing, right?

But if you stick your thumb up my ass,

that's the same but different.

♪ Stand still, boy, take your fill ♪

♪ A black widow will wait, wait for the kill ♪

♪ Wait here, wait, stay, stay, stay still ♪

♪ I think that the end is worth the thrill ♪

♪ I'm all around you, I'm all around you ♪

♪ Like napalm gas, I will surround you ♪

♪ I'm all around you, I'm all around you ♪

♪ Like a heat-seeking missile, I'm gonna find you ♪

♪ I'm a female weapon of mass destruction ♪

♪ You can try to resist but your heart will not function ♪

♪ Bring me your religion ♪

♪ Bring me your gods ♪

♪ But I'm a clerical weapon, a cocktail bomb ♪

♪ I'm all around you, I'm all around you ♪

♪ Like napalm gas, I will surround you ♪

♪ I'm all around you, I'm all around you ♪

♪ Like a heat-seeking missile, I'm gonna find you ♪

♪ I'm all around you, I'm all around you ♪

♪ Like napalm gas, I will surround you ♪

♪ I'm all around you, I'm all around you ♪

♪ Like a heat-seeking missile, I could still find you ♪

♪ I'm the forces of good in an apocalyptic vision ♪

♪ I slice up your dreams with a surgeon's precision ♪

♪ I take more than I need ♪

♪ But I leave you a little something ♪

♪ The spell of love's demise under my consumption ♪

♪ I'm all around you, I'm all around you ♪

♪ Like napalm gas, I will surround you ♪

♪ I'm all around you, I'm all around you ♪

♪ Like a heat-seeking missile, I'm gonna find you ♪

♪ I'm all around you, I'm all around you ♪

♪ Like napalm gas, I will surround you ♪

♪ I'm all around you, I'm all around you ♪

♪ Like a heat-seeking missile, I'm gonna find you ♪

♪ I'm gonna find you ♪

♪ I'm gonna find you ♪

Pronounced Bute-Weizel.

Yes, I will be clear and uh...

What's with, uh, people always associating cops

with doughnuts, you know?

It's so trite.

Like, we eat other things.

Slim Jims, for example.

And the coffee thing, too,

you know, it's not the only thing we ever drink.

I myself sometimes bring Tang from home.

Ah!