Original subtitles

Hey, how’s your New office art, sam?

Sucks the bag.

They gave me A painting

That’s the exact Same colour As my walls.

Maybe they just Gave you a frame.

Stop that man!

Oh! Stop him!

Nice one. I’ve got him!

Okay. I’ve got him!

See what I Did there?See? Yeah, I got him.

Whoa, is That casamari? Yeah.Robin: What do you Think he did? Scuffed up a $1000 Pair of snakeskin shoes, Is what he did.

Probably won’t be Seeing him again.

Oh! You should go Check out the art In his office.

That’s a Good idea. Yeah!

One, two, three, four!

♪ all hail The working man ♪

♪ he’s got the world In his hand ♪

♪ all hail The working man ♪

♪ the work is never done

♪ way-oh, way-oh-oh

♪ way-oh, way-oh-ho

Huh!

♪ I am the working man

♪ through the night Till the morning sun ♪

♪ I am the working man

♪ the work is never done

♪ way-oh, way-oh-oh Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! ♪ way-oh-way

♪ pray for The working man ♪

♪ always there With a helping hand ♪

♪ pray for The working man ♪

♪ the work is never done

♪ all hail The working man ♪

♪ another day Has just begun ♪

♪ all hail The working man ♪

♪ it’s never friggin’ done

So did you put That peterson Memo to bed?

No, robin’s Working on it.

You got robin to do Your work for you? Mmm-hmm.

Did you take that Hypnosis course Without me?

Pickles. Nah, I just flatter her by asking Her to proof something

And her ocd Does the rest.

You see? I’d put That in my office

But that also Sucks the bag.

That’s a Mark rothko.

Yeah. Fagen paid three Mil for that baby.

Wow. Remind me to Stop wiping my Boogies on it.Hey, clark. Hey. Here’s your memo. Uh-huh.

You hit a lot of The major points,

But I just added A bunch of things

And really Brought it home.

Helvetica? Nice Font choice, fraulein.

Yeah. It says You’re serious, But sexy. Yeah!

Like Dakota fanning.

Due to the Embezzlement scandal,

That culminated in This morning’s rather Dramatic take-down

Of casamari in The east hallway... Thank you.

Thank you Very much.

But the real heroes Are the fire-fighters.

The management committee Has decided to be proactive

By asking All employees

To take a Lie detector test.

Lie detectors?

Isn’t that illegal?

So is charging Bad dye jobs

To the company Credit card.

Besides, we’re Not calling them Lie detector tests.

We’re calling them Trust exercises.

So, check The board outside

To see when your Interrogation is scheduled.

Close your eyes.

No!

The last time I did that,

You open-mouth kissed me.

Ah, you were choking. It was cpr.

I was chewing gum.

Well, we got it Out, didn’t we?

Anyhoo, got You a present.

Oh! Why didn’t You say so?

Come on!

Give it over!

Open your eyes.

Mama!

Yeah...

I overheard that You weren’t happy

With your firm- Allocated artwork.

I don’t know If you know,

But I’m somewhat Of a sculptor.

Oh, you don’t say? Yeah. Hold this.

Oh no. Yeah.

It is a portrait Of my grandfather.

He was a Circus performer

Until they Banned pinheads.

Anyhow, I call it...

"Honesty".

Oh... I see you Have his eyes.

What’s vic doing here?

He’s our resident Expert on lying. Ah.

White lies, fibs, Half-truth whoppers,

Tall tales, Horse feathers...

Enough already!

Okay! First

Is your name Clark claxton The third?

Yes.

Well, that Makes no sense.

Machine says You’re lying.

Uh, all right, How about, um...

Do you work For fagen & Harrison?

Yes.

What?

The machine says You’re lying again.

Uh... How About, um...

Okay, did you Build the great Wall of china?

Yes.

He’s telling the truth.

It says you’re Telling the truth?

Clark’s immortal.

I always had My suspicions.

No, either This machine Is broken,

Or you’re some Kind of sociopath.

Believe it.

Get a load of this.

Oh!

What’s going on?

The rocky mountains

As seen from the Presidential suite

Of the banff Springs hotel.

Oh... Is that A mountain goat?

Hey, you... Oh! You’ve Commissioned A portrait.

I like.

It makes you Look... Thinner.

No, vic gave It to me.

Oh. He made It himself.

Eech! A Self-portrait.

Are those Real eyes?

I don’t want to Talk about it.God, you better Take it down Before you go Home or the Cleaning staff

Will be too scared To come in here.

Like I’m going To let some Cuban doctor

Dictate how I live.

What?What? Look, why don’t you Just throw it out?

No, better yet, Carry it as I.D. Yeah.

I can’t even Go near it. It Freaks me out.

Aw, sweetie.

Mmm. Yeah.

Oh! There you go.

You’re welcome.

Oh, hey, uh, You’re next

For the lie Detector test. Yeah.

Don’t tell them The secret location Of the ewok village.

What am I saying? You’d never Give that up.

Claxton, where’s That malone memo?

I need it yesterday.

I’ll get my time Machine, sir.

Thank god for H.G. Wells.

There is no god.

Oh, hi, fraulein.

Look, I’m working On this memo for The malone file.Do you have Time to take a Quick look at it? Uh, this topic deals With three supreme Court decisions

And you only wrote Half a page?

Well, we can’t all Be cracker-jack Lawyers like you. Oh.

Come on! I’m really Struggling with this.

Fine. I’ll get to it After my polygraph.

Swim, nemo!

Hey there, Art lover.

I just wanted To say again

How excited I am That you like my work.

And to show you My appreciation

I want to give you Another creation.

I call this one

"The truth".

No... Way!

That’s awesome!

Thank you.

What happened To "Honesty"?

I know! Huh!

The world is Going to hell In a hand basket,

Isn’t it, vic?

Huh, you mean the Other "Honesty".

Mmm-hmm. Oh! Somebody Stole it.

Something that good?

What’s it doing in The garbage can?

Garbage can?

That’s... That’s My art basket.

I’ve seen art baskets.

And this, sir,

Is no art basket.

Ahh...

All right, Listen. Vic...

I threw it Away. Okay?

It was freaking The shit out of me.

I couldn’t Concentrate with it...

Watching me All the time.

It wasn’t Watching you.

It was gazing Down upon you

With the loving eyes Of a grandfather.

My grandfather.

So those Are real eyes.

What’s the matter With you, vic?

Yeah, I don’t Want to talk much.

Just do The damn test.

Is your name Robin howland?

I said I don’t Want to talk about it!

Oh, you’re Talking to her.

Oh... So is it?Yes. Are you a young Cracker-jack lawyer?

Yes, sir.

Are you single?

Yes.

Oh...

Says You’re lying.

Oh, that’s probably High blood pressure.

Pizza for Breakfast.

Oh! Liar!

Young lady, your Pants are aflame!

All right, Four easter cream Eggs and a beer.

Oh yeah, That one’s true.

Okay, let’s just try This one more time.

Are you married?

No, sir.

Sweet lord!

I can’t believe It, howland.

You’re married?

Oh! I’m Afraid so, sir.

Well, I’ll be.

To a guy, right?

Ugh! So I’m married. Big deal.

Married? Robin,

This is a whole other Level of deceit. Yeah.Okay, I’m going To say this once And then I don’t want to Talk about it any more.

It was my first job.

He was the red deer Dq manager.

Drag queens Have managers?

Dairy queen. Brazier?

Just ice cream.

Oh, and you Spiralled into lovelike a soft Serve cone. Eating crushed Oreos out of Each other’s navels. Mmm!

So if you broke Up, why didn’t You get a divorce?

I...

Can’t.

He’s such an ass. Every time I try,

We fight like Cats and dogs.

Just fight, Fight, fight.

Ah! Red deer Romance.

Anyway, I haven’t Seen him in Five years.

Well, that’s why You can’t have A relationship,

You emotional retard.

You have to get A divorce first.

Okay, I told you, I can’t.

Every time I try To bring over The papers,

They get destroyed In the ensuing Fisticuffs.

What’s a brazier?

You know, they Serve, like, Hot food there.

Burgers, fries.

Right.

But what’s A "Brazier"?

I have no idea.

Really. Bra-a-zier. Let’s look it up.

Careful. It’s Hot, okay?

Dude, he’s in Rough shape.

What did you Do to him? Well, nothing!

I mean, I threw his Art in the garbage,but other Than that...That was a portrait Of his grand-pappy!No wonder he’s So "F"-ed up. Well... I haven’t seen him Like this since the Croc hunter died.

Ugh...

Hey, vic.

Hey, man.

Listen, I am So sorry.

I take Everything back.

So, you like My art?

Ye... No.

But I take Everything else back.

So you... You came All the way over here

To tell me that My art sucks... Again.

No-o-o!

I came here To apologize

For saying that Your art sucks.

Ok-okay, no, no, No, no, look.

Um... Uh...

Your art sucks And I’m sorry About that.

No! No, no, no! Okay, no, no, no.

That came out All wrong.

Some art is sucky. I thought that Was sucky.

I-I... No. Okay, Look, look...

I... No, dude! Dude! Dude!

Let-let me... Let me...

Let me say... Oh!

So, we good?

Hey! Oh, wow!

Didn’t take you Long to cave.

It’s back up On the wall,

Now with A spotlight.

Yeah, I’m trying to Make it up to vic.

If this doesn’t work

I’m going to have To play laser tag With him again.

Uh-huh.

Anyway, cake is in The staff lounge.

Ooh, yummy!

I hope it’s pineapple

And upside down!

Delicious, but no.

Cake is robin’s Ex-husband.

Cake? Yeah.

"Cake’s" his Actual name.

It’s almost too easy.

You might say It’s a cake-walk.

Yeah, maybe it’s Not that easy.

Mmm. Well, what’s He doing here?

Well, I told him I was Robin’s divorce lawyer

And had him come Up to the office

To sign the papers Once and for all.

Oh, there you Are, ass-wipe.

Ah!

How’d you find him?

I could get you A human hand

In 15 minutes, No questions asked.

Finding cake Was as easy as...

Cake? Pie.

I was going To say pie. Pie.

But why the hell Would you do that?

Well, what if you need A hand transplant? Yeah.

Okay. I told you I hate the guy.

Why would you Bring him to the Staff lounge?

Robin, you Need closure.

Doesn’t she? True.

Come on, Look at her. You need clo...

And I wanted to see You go ten rounds

With this Rodeo clown.

Who now, Incidentally,

Rents out beer league Hockey goalies

Out of a coffee shop In little italy.

Ooh! Successful! Yes!

Come on, robin. You can do this. Yeah!You’re going to Go down there,you’re going to tell Him you want a divorce So that you can move On with your life.

And then we’re going To have a piece

Of this cake clark Keeps talking about.

I hear it’s Pineapple.

That’s right, Sister.

Now oil up and go Claw the face off This evil bastard.

Give us a good show!

Come on!

There he is.

Holy shit, There he is.

Holy shit, There he is. Yeah!

He looks like that Loser from sugar ray.

Yeah! Sugar Ray leonard.

What? What?

Oh! Ho! Ho! 20 quarters!

That is the most amazing Thing I’ve ever seen!

Except for that Video I saw

Of that farmer Getting back-doored By a pig.

Clark & sam:

Sweet!

Hey, baby.

Mmm!

God, I miss you!

Not exactly the Kind of fighting

I was hoping for.

Oh, I got to get me Some of that, huh?

Which one are You talking about?

Does it matter?

Anyway, I wanted To tell you how Truly sorry I am.

That’s mighty big Of you to admit.

Well, I never Meant to hurt Your feelings.

I appreciate Your remorse. Aw!

And you know what? To prove how Sorry I am,

Check it out, huh? Oh! Ooh! I didn’t Mean for that To happen.

Oh, I’m really,

Really sorry. Enough!

That’s it.

You and me After work. It is on.

We’re finally Going to get Smoothies together?

No. I’m going to Kick your ass.

I’m going to Kick your ass.

Well, could we go get Smoothies after that?

Probably not.

Oh. Hi, clarkie.

Hey... Look, uh...

Mr. Kaplan’s really After me about that Malone memo, so...

Oh, sorry!

I haven’t gotten To it yet.Yeah. Okay, look. I don’t mind you Making out with Some old flame

Who you lied About hating,

But when it Starts affecting

Our productivity, it... What’s up?

All right. I’ll be Back in a bit, sug.

You look tired. Oh?

You want a coffee? No, thanks.

Okay.

Please tell me You were just trying On each other’s Shirts for fun.

Huh! We were.

And then We had sex.

You lied to me!Robin: Well, of Course I lied!I didn’t want To have to deal With him. But you know what? We’re back in love.

He said He loves you?

No, but I Know he does.

He says it with His soul patch.

Oh, his Soul patch! Oh,

And how long have You been in therapy?

Mmm, you sound Like one of My shrinks.

Uh-huh.

I don’t know, He’s just...

He’s got this Irresistible force

That just radiates Off of him...

That’s the smell of Coffee grounds and Soiled hockey gear.

I figure maybe We’ll move to The country,

Open up a Coffee shop,

Sell our own jam.

And then he can Rent goalies On the side,

And then I can defend The local farmers Against the bank.

God, you Watch too many Jimmy stewart movies.

And if you go, Who’s going to Do my w...

Proof my memos?

Uh, I don’t Know. Sam?

I let him try once, He gave it back to me

And there was A pube on it.

I didn’t eat For two days. Oh.

I couldn’t Masturbate For a week.

Oh no!

What is this, Junior high?

Wha... What’s vic Going to do?

He’s going to beat Me up after school.

Yeah, well, You had it coming.

And better that than Shitting your pants

In front of the Girls’ gym class.

Who did that?

Aw, dude.

Well, whatever.

We’re grown-ups, Right?

Grown-ups Can’t fight.

When grown-ups Fight, they die.Yeah, don’t Worry about it. The brass isn’t going To allow fighting in The office anyway, bro.

Sammy!

Good luck with The fight.

We’re rooting For ya.

But you should know I Put five large on vic.

I mean... Look at you.

I... Pfft. Well...

You... You see?

You see, I was Always too small To fight.Even when I was a kid. The bullies were Always, like, "Caponelli!

Come back here, You pussy!"

And I was, like...

Well, I’d run.

And I’d cry.

It’s a funny story.

Look, I’ve seen vic Fight, all right?

You’ve seen Him fight?

Yeah! Tonnes Of times.

We’re members at The same dojo.

He once took on Sensei goldstein.

And nobody takes on Sensei goldstein.Well... What Do I do? Well, first you’ve Got to maintain your Precious bodily fluids.

So, just don’t jerk off Before the fight.

Oh, well, that One’s gone.

Anything else? Yeah.

Watch this.

This just says "Me playing ’streetfighter ii’".

Yeah. I played As chun li.

Mostly so I can Pause it when she Does the splits.

Watch it and learn.

Enjoy, ladies.

Oh, hey!

I’ve got a bone To pick with you, Cheesecake.

Offside, lurch.

Besides, I’ve Heard them all.

Oh, really?

Fruitcake.

Yup.

Bundt cake. Heard it.

Yellowcake.

That’s uranium. Correct.

Look, I didn’t Ask you up here

So you could get Your rocks off With robin

And plan your little Country bungalow Paradise, all right?

You’re going to sign Those divorce papers

And you’re going to Break up with her.

Damn right, I am.Thanks.

You’re getting A divorce if it’s The last th...What’d you Just say? We need to make A clean and Final break.

Oh! So you’re thinking Of killing her.

Well, love does Strange things To people.

Mmm! Damn, That’s good.

Can I be honest With you?

Yeah! All right.

I like robin a lot, She is a great girl

And I really enjoy Hooking up with her

Every four to Five years.

But as soon as I do, you know?

Like that.

She gets all clingy,

And talking about Settling down

And making Our own jam. Yeah.

Yet you let her Believe you were game

So you could Bang her twice in The last two hours.

You know, I’m Starting to like you.

You know what? She... She told me

That whenever you Two get together

You fight like Cats and dogs.

Ah, that’s probably ’cause we do some Things like dogs.

Plus I can lick My own balls.

You know, I-I just Don’t know what to Do with her anymore.

Leave it to me.

Mmm! Wow!

I guess there Are some things You can do

With a grade eight Education.

Sichi! Hachi! Kyu!

Ju!

Okay.

Yeah, can we go Over the rules again? Yeah, no hitting Above the neck, Below the belt,

And around the kidneys Because of that Problem you had

Going to the bathroom When you were a kid.Yeah, you don’t want Me peeing on you. So basically, The only place That I can hit you

Is that small area Below the solar plexus. So, here.

Yeah. But that’s good Enough for me.

Okay. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

So, you agree with All the rules?

Yes, I agree! Let The beating begin!

Okay. I just needed Some clarification.

Sammy, it Was nice...

I call this Mask, "Anger"!

One second.

Oh!

Coward.

Still, I made Five large.

All right!

What’s your Full name?

Cake.

Mmm! Says You’re lying.

Please state your full Name, for the record.

Mark lechandelier Straker.

Wow!

Wow! Mmm. Moving on. Uh, are you married To this fraulein, Robin howland?

I am.

Truth. Mmm-hmm.

Uh, a question From sam, actually.

What’s a brazier?

Mmm, it’s Like a grill.

Oh!

Truth at last!

Now then,

Mr. Lechandelier,

Do you intend To settle down

In the Norman rockwell horror

That robin Here envisions For you both?

No.

Ooh! That’s true?

Huh! Well...

Do you love me?

No.

Have you ever Loved me?

No.

Wow. Um...

I’m-I’m sorry.

I, uh...

No, fuck that!

I’m not sorry!This isn’t The first time I confused sex And love and it Won’t be the last.

And you know what? Fuck you!

I never want to See you and your...

Impish good Looks again.

Uh... We had sex Three times today!

I thought It was two.

Oh, in the elevator To a from lunch.

So, same location. I only tallied once By mistake.

True.

Okay, just give me The divorce papers.

And... Done. Oh, I left something On your desk to proof,

When you have a chance.

Oh, I’m going To miss her.

Yeah.

She’s a hell Of a goalie, eh? Oh!

Thanks for Subbing in for me There, clarkie.I was falling For her again And I do not want To live in a bungalow Made of jam.

Yeah. Good luck With that.

Thank you.

Oh, clark, it Was a real fight. Uh-huh.

You should have Been there. Yeah, you know,

I’m told that No punches were Actually thrown.

Don’t know, but I was knocked out,

And then I got Up again just a Few hours later. Uh-huh.

I always wanted to Confront my fear Of fighting.

Well, I don’t know What you remember, Concussion-boy,

But reports Are that vic

Never even physically Touched you.

Well, I am that Good, millie.

Uh, robin. Hey, robin!

Happy divorce!

Yeah, good to Be divorced.

Oh, by the way.

I left that memo on Your desk, clarkie.

And I got that Memo, fraulein.

I didn’t realize You just wrote "Fuck you" 700 times

Until after I gave It to kaplan.

But, hey! He didn’t Notice either,

So fuck you.

Okay, sammy... Okay, in the Last five years

I’ve stolen Two boxes of pens, Three staplers,

A ceiling tile for Reasons I don’t Want to get into,

I’m the one who Wrote "Caponelli has All the right moves"

In the women’s Washroom...

And I killed Lipsitz’s budgie.

But you shouldn’t Be allowed to have Birds at work!

You’re not hooked up To the machine yet.

Mmm...

Oh.So, you guys can’t Prove anything? Yes, we can. We’re Going to hook you up To this machine

And find out if You stole that stuffand killed that bird. We’re going To double team You, sam.

Hah.

That’s the printer.

One, two, three, four!