Original subtitles

[ ♪ ]

So I heard The photocopier Broke down.

Oh, the one Upstairs?

No, no, no, the One on this floor.

Oh, that one’s Usually out Of toner.

Did they Shake it? Two people shook it.

Still nothing.

I’m thinking of Hanging myself.

Well, you should do It front of the kids. Brighten their day.

Kids? Not fagen’s Kids again! Ugh! Oh yeah.

Those charity Cases come in here

Smelling like Meth labs and Dollar stores,

And we give Scholarships to Those retards.

They’re not Retarded, clark. They’re just poor.

Both forms of Natural selection.

Imagine having To be the retard

Who has to wear The chicken suit?

Uh, for your Information, it’s A pigeon suit.

Thomas pigeon Is the fagen’s Kids’ mascot

I’ve had the pleasure Of playing for the Last five years.

Good for You, murray.

You know, fagen Makes you wear A mouldy costume,

You get the shit Kicked out of you

By aspiring Gangbangers,

And still somehow You stay positive.

Ah-ha! Well, Not this year, Companero.

No, doc says that Six concussions Are enough.

In fact, the doc says That six concussions...

Ohhhh.

I had a Concussion once When I was a kid.

My parents told me To sleep it off.

Oh.

What the hell Is that?

That is a joint! Ah!

I didn’t know You were a Toker, robin. I’m not.

You know what? This Must be from that Hippie bike courier.

He’s always trying To get in my pants With phish bootlegs,

And now, Apparently, reefer.

Enough chit-chat, Let’s hot-box The office!

Yeah! Are you nuts?We could Get disbarred. Well, we Wouldn’t notice If we were baked.

No, robin’s right.

Give it to me, I’ll Destroy the evidence.

How? I’ll burn it.

Slowly.

Starting with The fat end. Mm-hmm.

Okay, screw that. I’m not aiding And abetting.

Come o-o-on. Awwww...

Both: [ chanting ] Come on! Smoke Joint! Peer pressure!

I haven’t sparked one Up since lilith fair.

I only went for The chicks, you Know? The honeys?

Clark, I can hook You up with weed.

Yeah? Oh yeah.

I’ve got Mad connections.

I blaze all The time.

I go home, I hit the Yoda bong, I watch "The daily show".

This controlled Substance will stay Under lock and key

Until the end Of the day

When I will dispose Of it safely.

Come on, nancy reagan.

Lewis does lines Of coke off his desk With the door open.

Who’s going to give A shit about a joint?

Forget it. Not happening. I hate you!

Let’s go, clark.

I’ve got some Wite-out we Can sniff.

Pfft, fine. Screw that. Let’s Go find lewis.

Oh. ...Concussions. Six concussions.

The doctor says Six concussions...

Man: [ shouting ] One, two, three, four!

[ rock ♪ ]

♪ all hail The working man ♪

♪ he’s got the world In his hand ♪

♪ all hail The working man ♪

♪ the work is never done

♪ way-oh, way-oh-oh

♪ way-oh, way-oh-ho

[ ♪ ] Huh!

♪ I am the working man

♪ through the night Till the morning sun ♪

♪ I am the working man

♪ the work is never done

♪ way-oh, way-oh-oh Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! ♪ way-oh-way

[ ♪ ]

♪ pray for The working man ♪

♪ always there With a helping hand ♪

♪ pray for The working man ♪

♪ the work is never done

♪ all hail The working man ♪

♪ another day Has just begun ♪

♪ all hail The working man ♪

♪ it’s never friggin’ done

Oh, uh, mr. Kaplan,

There’s something Really sensitive

I need to speak To you about.

Millie is a Grown woman.

If she chooses To sell me her Stiletto heels,

That’s her Business. Interesting.

But no, it’s about robin. I’m deeply concerned

She’s headed Down a dark path.

Pro bono work? Worse.

Drugs. Oh. Yeah.

Look, I’m not familiar With that world,

But I believe I saw her

With an illegal Marijuana cigarette.

Wacky tobaccy? Exactly.

Now, she keeps it hidden In her top desk drawer,

The one with The lock?

Yep, that’s where She hides her drugs.

I thought robin Was a boozehound, Not a pothead.

She hates jazz.

Well, I think the stress Might be getting to her.

Hey, maybe we could have A big office intervention.

You know, call Everybody down... No, no, no.

I’ll handle this On the q.T.You did the Right thing, Bringing this To my attention Though, claxton.

Well, sir, I would love it If you could tell her

That it was me who Brought it to your Attention.

You got it, Snitch.

Thank you, sir. I appreciate it.

Fagen: And so, due to the raid By the vice squad,

We are no longer Using the name

"Uncle mortie’s parentless Teen boys dot com".

It’s back to "Fagen’s kids".

Also, our mascot is Now up for grabs.

I brought a Doctor’s note, sir.

He says that six Concussions is a Little bit too much.

Fagen: Enough already.

Any volunteers?

Cowards, huh?

Fine, everyone Write down your name

And put it in Murray’s mug. Oh!

Hey, let me finish. Let me finish here.

Murray: [ spitting ]

Oh, that burns.

Mmm! Oh, that Burns good.

I wrote Robin’s name.

Really? Mm-hmm. I wrote yours.

Me too. I wrote sam twice.

Double the odds.

Looks like it’s Stan the pigeon man.

Hey-hey-hey! Meet me in My office

And we’ll try on The outfit.

Don’t worry, Buddy. If you Get hungry,

I left an Egg salad sandwich In the gizzard.

[ ♪ ]

Howland, Open your drawer.

Why? Do you need Some rubber bands?

Here you go. Knock yourself out.

No! The locked one.

Claxton sold you out.

Asshole.

Not you. I know what’s In there.

Open it now.

Oh. Would you mind Opening the window?

I do believe I Have the vapours.

Oh, jeez!

There, it’s ope... For fuck’s sakes, robin,

You just threw A drawer out The window!

Oh no. No, I was Passing it to you.

I just wanted To score some Drugs from you.

What? Well...

Why did you come in here Like a storm trooper?

I wanted to scare You, you know, to...

To "Confiscate" The stuff, you Know, like a cop.

You do drugs?

No!

But I need to Impress my mistress.

I got me one Hot tamale,

But she’s A young hipster

And I need to do Something cool.

Mm. [ gasp ] [ fingers snapping ]

I could lend you my Planet hollywood jacket.

It’s signed By van damme.

No, that Wouldn’t work.

I need you to Get me some spicoli To give to my girl.

Obviously you’ve Got connections.

Okay.

But what’s In it for me?

Well, I’ll Just forget That I caught you

Throwing an Entire drawer full Of illegal narcotics Out the window!

Okay.

Deal.

What happened To you?

I got hit in the Head with a drawer.

Fagen: Okay, stan,

Coo like a man. [ clatter ]

Oh, jesus.

Um... [ cooing ]

Now, that’s a pigeon.

I’m getting hungry Just looking at you.

Aw, fuck, it’s Hot in here.

And it stinks, Murray.Yeah. Yeah. You... I’d advise keeping A couple of bottles Of water in the suit.

Aw, but then You’d have to pee,

So you might Want to consider Putting a catheter

Into your jock strap.

Okay, first of all, uh,

I-I’m not going to Need a cup, murray.

[ scoffing ] Tell that to the doctor

Who stitched up My torn nut sack.

You turn your back on These kids and they’ll Fucking shiv you.

Mr. Fagen, can’t we just Give these kids money?

No, no, no. Wayward kids need A giant pigeon.Pffft. Yeah, Everyone knows that. Yeah, but I’ve got, Like, a lot of files I’ve got to take care of.

And poor kids Intimidate me.

All kids intimidate me.

Put your head back on, Start laying eggs.

Or your goose Is cooked.

Ha! That’s good. Goose is cooked. [ knocking on door ]

Fagen: [ chortling ] [ forced laugh ]

Come on in. Hi.

Stan, meet suzie, Your charity liaison.

[ goofy chuckle ] Hi.

I’m so happy You volunteered Your time.

Oh yeah, you know, If it’s for the kids.

I love them. They’re Like little...

Humans.

[ ♪ ]

Sam: [ goofy laugh ]

It was gr-r-reat!

Poor kids Are awesome.

Yes, you’re a hero To the future leeches Of our nation.

Meanwhile robin’s Become pablo escobar.

Yeah, and it’s all Your fault, clark.

Now I’ve got to score Kaplan some weed.

Oh, sam, you Could help me Out, right?Why would you Assume that? What about hitting The bong and watching "The daily show"?

I just wanted You guys to think I was cool,

Like when I wore My dad’s sunglasses

For a whole year In grade seven.

Ruined my Eyesight. Yes.

And look At you now. You’re a...

You’re a grown Man dressed As a pigeon.

Success! Mock me all You want, clark,

But the new liaison From fagen’s kids, suzie,

She’s totally hot and She’s totally into me.

Ah, yeah. Sam, just Because a wo...

What?

Sam: There she is. Shut up.

Oooh.

Hey-hey. Hi.

How are you? Good.

Wow! That woman...

Seems really Into sam. Clark: Yeah.

Now, that’s Someone you could Score drugs off.

Copy room, Five minutes.

Bring cash and Come alone.

Wear something sexy.

Huh!

[ ♪ ]

You were so great With those kids. Well...

It’s because I Love them so much.

But they hit...

Hard. Oh-h-h.

Why would anyone Want to hit such A cutie-wootie

Pigeon-pie Like you? [ goofy laugh ]

So, um...

Do you want to Grab a drink at Slurry mctiggins?

Slurry mctigg... Yeah!

Yeah. Why don’t You hop on my back

And I’ll Fly us there. Okay.

[ giggling ] Oh! Uh, oh, okay.

[ straining ] Up. Okay.

Oh, get off, Get off, get off, Get off, get off! Oh, okay.

[ awkward chuckle ]

[ hiss/groan ]

I’m just going To... Going to Need a minute.

I’ll meet you In reception. Okay, cool.

Reception.

[ groaning ]

[ ♪ ]

Hey-y-y, suzie, You ready to go?

And you are...?

It’s sam. We Were going to Go get a drink.

Oh. Yeah. So, Ready to go?

Sam. Yeah.

Right. Um...

I-I have to... Cancel.

What? Why? Sorry. Uh... Something just...

Came up. Uh... Oh.

Something to Do with...

Poor kids. Oh.

But... But I’ll See you later A-at the event...

Well... Later today.

T...

What...? [ sniffing ]

[ sigh ]

Stupid poor kids.

God!

Oh! Looking for me? [ wheezing laugh ]

Oh my god, You scared me.

I’ve been in here For 20 minutes.Why’d you wait so Long to come out? Well, I had to make Sure you weren’t Being followed.

By who? Look, I don’t Trust you yet.

Are you wearing A wire?

Here, let me Pat you down. Ew! No!

Okay, I’ll trust You this one time.

Here. How much?

20... Cashish.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is just oregano.

[ snickering ] No it’s not.

Why? How can You tell?

Uh, ’cause It’s oregano.

Okay, you Got me, man.

No, my dealer, He’s vacationing In boca raton.

He’s actually got A pretty sweet Condo down there

If you ever Want to...

Ew. Just give me My money back.

Sorry, sister, No can do.

Give me that. [ groaning ]

Oh, here comes Another concussion.

Hey, sam.

Oh, hi, suzie.

Oh, yeah, yeah, Yeah, yeah, the Kids are waiting.

They want to see The big funny bird.

That’s... Not what I Wanted to talk about. Oh?

Oh, is it About earlier

When I Cock-a-doodle-doo-ed?

No.

Actually...

I think we should Go out on that date.

What? I think we Should go out.

Yeah, but, like, You completely Rejected me earlier.

Well, that’s Because I want to Go out with thomas.

Who’s thomas? The pigeon.

I... I’m a...

I’m a furry.

Oh, sweetheart, I understand.

We shave, we wax, We do what we can.

No, I-I’m Not furry.

I’m furry.

I get sexually Aroused

By people in Animal costumes.

Okay, wait. Let me Get this straight.

So normal, everyday, Average good-looking Guy... Nothing,

But I put on this Bird suit, and you Go into the red?

Pretty much. [ giggling ]

I’m usually more of A rabbit and muskrat Kind of woman,

But something About this pigeon Is making me crazy.

So what do you say?

I say Cock-a-doodle-doo.

Both: [ laughing ]

[ cooing ]

[ ♪ ]

Howland.

You got the Cheeba yet?

Uh, city’s Dry, sir.

My guys in b.C. Are out buying Large quantities

Which they Then make into Smaller quantities

For street consumption, And that takes time.

Don’t bullshit Me, scarface,

Or you’ll be looking For a new job.

I want to be Getting freaky

With my mistress Tonight.

[ heavy sigh ]

Millie!

Uh, any idea where I can get some drugs?

I have are a Large bottle of Horse tranquillisers In my desk.

My pinky-pie was Recently gelded.

Okay, well, I Need you to give Me those pills.

I don’t condone Substance abuse Of any form.

Users are Losers, robin.

I-I’m sorry, Which one of us is A hot-shot lawyer

And which one is A lowly assistant

Who could get Fired for not doing What she’s told?

My allegiance Is to clark and Clark alone.

Give her the horse Pills, millie. Yes, sir.

Yeah.

Nice.

Boo-ya! I got a date

And it’s with suzie, And she likes me

And she’s a furry, And in your face!

What was the Last part? In your face!

No, before that. I got a date?

After that. She’s a furry.

Yeah. Wow! Animal Costumes, huh?

Nice. [ whistling ] Isn’t that a bit too Much kink for you? I mean, you get Nervous when a girl Wants to be on top.

Why don’t you save Yourself the hassle

And just... Give her to me?

Ha-ha-ha-ha. You see, clark,

She doesn’t want Just any old guy In an animal suit.

She wants what sam Brings to the pigeon.

Ah, yes, your, uh, Your sammiosity.

Yeah, actually. Yeah.

Yeah, my sammitude.

Ah, yes, Your, uh...

Your... Your sammonella.

Huh? Yeah. Oooh, burn.

Ah-ahem.

Millie, I have a Ridiculous request.

There’s no such Thing as a ridiculous Request, sir.

How much Horse tranquilliser Should I put Into the joint?

I don’t know. It’s Usually a function Of the weight Of the horse,

And they don’t Generally smoke it.

Yes, sir. You’ll Have it in an hour.How many pills Did I crush up? I have no idea. That’s why I asked You to wait for me.

Ah, fuck it.

Now roll.

I don’t know How to roll. [ door opening ]

Maxine: Need some help?

Robin: Where the hell Did you come from?

I could smell The tranquilliser From the lounge.

All right, what Do you need?

A three-pape’ cone Or a standard blunt?

Uh, I... I... I Guess the first one.

You got it, Sister.

Okay, here we go.

Okay.

[ blowing ]

Let’s smoke This puppy.

Robin: Sorry, Old woman,

This one’s already "Smokin’" for.

[ ♪ ]

Robin: Come in.

Just play it cool.

Pretend we’re having A pleasant chit-chat.

Got it.

Uh, just chit- Chatting here.

What kind of stuff Is that anyway?

This is a...

Hypersonic Caribbean doob.

Oooh, yeah, I-I think I’ve heard of that.

It’ll knock you On your ass.

[ giggling ] I’m so excited,

I’m sweating Through my girdle.

[ ♪ ]

[ humming ]

Oh, oh, oh-oh-oh... Hey, whoa, uh...

Hey, bird brain.

Hi, clark.

Yeah, I just wanted To stop by and...

Wish you luck On your big date.

Well, thank you Very much.

I’m very touched.

You know, I actually Kind of thought

You would try And steal her out From under me.

Yeah, that... That does sound More like me,

What? Doesn’t it?

Clark!

Good thing I reversed Your door knob.

[ grunting ]

Well, the joke’s On you, loser,

’cause I’m the One in the suit.Actually, joke’s on you. I got millie to order Me one this afternoon.

So, uh, so long, sucka.

Mwah.

Or should I say... [ cooing ]

Clark! Mmm.

Thanks for letting Me use your office To test it out.

I don’t want To make a fool Of myself

In front of My mistress.

Sure you don’t Want to join me? Uh, thanks, no.

Don’t sample The merchandise. Dealer’s code.

Okay. Ready To launch.

Is it normal to go Numb in the chest?

Oh my god.

Oh my god!

Oh god. Please wake up!

Please wake up.

[ ♪ ]

You stay away from suzie

Or I’ll peck your Fucking eyes out!

[ grunting ]

Oh-h-h.

I broke a wing.

[ ♪ ]

Oh-h. Oh.

Oh-h-h, shit.

[ ♪ ]

I think our joint Killed kaplan.

"Our" joint? That’s right.I’m not going Down alone. You help me get Rid of the body Or I sing like A canary, sister.

You wouldn’t dare. Then we’d both go down,

And you wouldn’t Last a week in prison With those pouty lips.

Oh yeah? Well, Who’d take care of Your precious horse?

Huh? Clark "Glue Factory" claxton?

What do we do? Okay, the way I see it,

There are two Possibilities. Either kaplan’s dead

And I’m fucked, Or he’s not,

Which means if we Can get him secretly Out of the office,then we’ve got Ourselves an alibi. Mr. Claxton just Had a pigeon costume Delivered to his office.

We can put Mr. Kaplan in it,

And everyone will Think he’s sam.

[ gasp ] Millie,

There’s a fine line

Between idiocy And brilliance.

I’ll get the Costume, sir.

Hmm. "Sir".

I like that.

Sam: Ah!

What’s up, guys?

You know what? I’m your king.

Go get me bread. Go.

[ moan ]

I’m so high.

Need air... Air...

For breathing.

Oh!

Thank you so much, Mr. Kaplan!

Welcome...

Pigeon.

[ thud ]

Oh.

[ ♪ ]

Where the hell Is my pigeon suit?

Robin!

Or maybe it was...

Murray!

Then again, it Could’ve been...

My father!

Goddamn you, nameless, Faceless thief!

Ahhhh!

[ panting ]

It will give you Some relief to know

That mr. Kaplan Is alive, sir.

What? You found His pulse? No. He grabbed My crotch

And called Me sunshine. Oh.

Clark!

You lying,

Cheating,

Chick-stealing Bastard!

Sam, sam, It’s kaplan!

What?

Oh. Shit! Uh...

I-I just knocked The managing partner Unconscious?

Well, don’t Flatter yourself.

He’s dosed up On ketamine.

And oregano.

Huh!

Suzie!

Clark: Hey!

How’d you get out, Chicken little?

I climbed out Onto the ledge, You big cock.

Wow, that’s Pretty impressive.Thank you. It was scary. Although I could See my house, which Which was comforting.

Yeah, I bet. Now give me The costume.

[ yelping ]

Clark, come on...

Clark: Give me The costume.

Sam: Shut up. Get... Ow!

Ooh, you Fucking...

Kids: [ yelling ]

Oh, shit. Clark!

Sam: Ouch! Oh no!

Okay, now’s Our chance.

Let’s go.

That’s for crapping On my statue.

[ ♪ ]

There you Are, sam.

That’s not... No, uh...

Out of Our hands.

Yeah, sam’s been Waiting for you.

Oh-ho. Did you Take that ecstasy Without me, huh?

Never mind. I’m Still going to Make you moult.

[ elevator bell chime ]

Well, millie, Your little horse Pinky-pie is safe.

As are your Pouty lips, sir. Hmm.

Clark: Smile, sam.

Sam: [ moaning ]

[ camera shutter clicks ]

Let’s go get a Few kicks in, huh?

[ ♪ ]

So I guess kaplan Won’t be scoring

Any more of your "Weed" any time soon.

You should Have seen him This morning.

He told me When he woke up He was in a man- Sized birdcage.

Suzie was sitting In the corner,

Dressed like a cat, Licking her paws.

Oh yeah. It’s too bad Things didn’t work Out between you two.

Yeah, whatever. I Mean, it’s probably For the best.

All that furry sex Just sounds like a Lot of rolling around On the floor...

With a beautiful woman...

In a cat suit.

Yeah.

Well, kaplan Seemed to enjoy it.

He says he’s meeting suzie In the lobby at lunch.

[ ♪ ]

[ audio playing in reverse ]

Female pigeon: I don’t want to Freak you guys out,

But look what’s coming Down the ledge.

Male pigeon: Another jumper? Man, this building Is full of pussies.

Sam: Hey, guys, Big pigeon Coming through.

Male pigeon: Holy shit. Look at The size of that chick.

She is hot! I Like ’em big too.

Makes me feel like I’ve been somewhere.

Female pigeon: Didn’t you fuck A swan once?

Male pigeon: Heh-heh, yeah. Best Lay I ever had.

And then she had To go migrate on me.

Swan. I saw her. It was a goose.

Whatevs. I’m going to Fuck this big pigeon.

Let me at her.

Why are you looking At me that way?

Stop it. It’s weird.Stop looking at me. Man: [ shouting ] One, two, three, four!

[ rock ♪ ]