Original subtitles

Korea, 1950.

Got there before the war Started to set up shop.

Put up the Folding chairs,

Start the coffee, Do the nametags.

I got it, sir. There were No nametags

And the coffee Was shit.

War is hell, son.

I remember every Minute of it.

You know What I remember?

Yesterday when you Dragged us in here

To look at this Exact same photo.

All right, troops, From the top.

Edgar. Edgar.

Giovanni. Wrong. Horse chops.

Walked around with A lucky grenade In his pocket

The whole war.

Finally exploded Back in pennsylvania

On his wedding day.

Now I’ve got to see A man about some teeth.

Well, good luck at The dentist, sir.

Who said anything About a dentist?

We will resume This little History lesson

At 1400 hours Sharp.

God, he is so cool, robin.

I mean, he actually Fought in a war.

I wonder if he Killed anybody.

He killed my morning, Is what he did.

Pfft. Look at me,I’m in black and white. I risked life and Limb to save everyone From communism.

What are you...? I’m so special.

Oh-h...

We’re so dead.

♪ all hail The working man ♪

♪ he’s got the world In his hand ♪

♪ all hail The working man ♪

♪ the work is never done

♪ way-oh, way-oh-oh

♪ way-oh, way-oh-ho

Huh!

♪ I am the working man

♪ through the night Till the morning sun ♪

♪ I am the working man

♪ the work is never done

♪ way-oh, way-oh-oh Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! ♪ way-oh-way

♪ pray for The working man ♪

♪ always there With a helping hand ♪

♪ pray for The working man ♪

♪ the work is never done

♪ all hail The working man ♪

♪ another day Has just begun ♪

♪ all hail The working man ♪

♪ it’s never friggin’ done

Oh my god. Huh!

We ruined fagen’s Only memento from The korean war.

No-o-o. He still Has his chopstick Tracheotomy scar.

Okay, this is serious, sam. What are we going to do?

I’m not 100% sure what You’re going to do,

But I’m going To my office

To eat my half- Smooshed brownie.

You know something?

Sometimes, I think I Smoosh them on purpose.

Okay, no you Don’t, no.

We are in This together. Nuh-uh!

This is your... Bonsai tree to trim.

That’s japanese, idiot. Yeah.

And who do you Think fagen’s Going to believe?

The pretty blonde or The shifty sicilian

Whose middle name Is "Petty crime"?

Uh, it’s pronounced "Peti crimo".

Ugh.

That’s obviously Not going to work.

You’ve got to Blow on it. Please, sam.

The last time I fell for that Was grade seven.

Oh, come on, I’ve Got a hair dryer In my office.

Ooh, you have a hair Dryer in your office? Mm-hm.

Your sword Can come play In my coliseum

Anytime, Smart-acus.

Smart-acus?

Yeah. I posed as A roman centurion

For the firm’s Charity calendar,

And people started Calling me smart-acus.

Why didn’t They call you

"The guy who posed For a calendar...

Roman centurion guy"?

Because that’s inane.

You see, vic, I’m both Intelligent and studly.I was shooting For stud-acus, But you can’t control How the office nickname System works.

Pfft. Tell me about it. They nicknamed me "Vic".

Vic’s your real name.

Point taken.

I wonder what My nickname will be.

I’m guessing something Like "Bat ears".

Doctor said no one’d Be able to tell!

Three, two, one.

Morning, sir. Morning.How long you Been curtseying? A month, sir. Oh. Keep your Back straight.

All right, so this Charity calendar Comes out today.

I want mine hot Off the presses.

I can’t guarantee It’ll be hot, sir,

But if it’s not, I’ll sit on it.

The photo’s Certainly war-torn.

Time for plan "B". A suicide pact?

Okay, you go first, I’ll write the note.

You know I’m going To have trouble

Taking my contacts Out now tonight.

Okay, maybe we Can just put it Back in the frame

And act like Nothing happened. Oh yeah!

I’m sure fagen will To-o-otally not realize

That his prized War photo suddenly Developed shingles.

No, this is a job For the dorks in I.T.

You’re right, Just give me a sec.

I know how to Handle those pervs.

Aw... That’s Nice, robin,

But you got lunch Yesterday, so...

I’ll get this one.

Your calendar Has arrived, sir.

Gimme, gimme, Gimme!

Hah...

Ah, smart-acus,

You handsome Devil, you!

You see, millie, It takes a certain Kind of man

To pull off a helmet With a brush on top.

What’s this, sir?

It’s masculinity, Millie. Lap it up.

It looks like there’s Something poking out Of your shorts, sir.

It’s probably just A speck of dust.

Oh, no, no, jesus, no!

Son of a bitch, Not again!

What is it, sir?

Goddammit, woman, Are you blind?

My testicle’s Exposed.

That’s a testicle, sir? It’s very...

Shh, shh, shh!

I have a Smaller than Average testicle,

But it’s still a Ball, it still counts!

I’m no... Uniballer.

I’ll have You know, sir,

It doesn’t bother me In the slightest

That you have Small balls.

Ba-a-a-a-all.

One small ball.

The other Is... Massive

And chock-full of Manly-man power!

Were you born This way?

No! No, I...

As a child, uh, My mother wanted me To be a gymnast.

Mainly ’cause she Was banging a gymnast.

Anyway, this one Time I was high Up on the rope

And I caught My mother...

Chalking up dimitri’s Pommel horse.

I slipped down And I completely Singed my left nut.

That’s so sad, sir.

I’ll go around and Touch up the other calendars

With my flesh- Coloured marker.

Yeah, or we could Just collect the Fucking things And destroy them.

That’s why you’re The lawyer and I’m the assistant,

Sir. Let’s go.

Yeah, that’s definitely Water damage.

Yep, that’s Damaged. By water.

Sorry, can’t help you. It’s beyond repair.

Oh, come on!

Can’t you just Download some "Mash" jpegs

From the internet And photoshop it?

Negatory. You’re Looking at, uh, Copyright laws,

Jail time, Viruses,spyware. Not to mention It wouldn’t Look authentic.

Wouldn’t look sexy. Wouldn’t look sexy.

Forget sexy. We just Want it to look the Way it did before.

You can’t forget sexy.

Sexy’s industry lingo

For some very important Technical things!

You guys obviously Don’t understand sexy.

Oh yeah.

I don’t know sexy.

Oh, wait A second.

This is you guys

Trying to get Something From us guys.

Yes.

Well, you could Have just said.

No. This way, You brought it up

And you can’t Entrap us.

Okay, look, I-I’ll Give you dorks

A lock of my hair

Or something Equally creepy.

Not quite what I had in mind.

You, small one.

Dry-hump blonde one. Yeah.

Dry-hump? Huh!

Are you in Grade seven?

I don’t know, robin. No, forget it.Maybe we should Consider It’s disgusting.The dry-humping Proposition. I mean,it’s not the Worst thing In the world. Dry-hump? Please, Give me a break. Why?

Someone say "Dry-hump" In here?

It’s like My sister’s Bat mitzvah.

Nah, just kidding, Just kidding.

No, I’m not Jewish, so...

What do You want?

Oh yeah. Can you Guys fix this?

Oh yeah. I can Make that sexy. Great.

So, what are you Guys doing in here?

Besides bumping And grinding.

Well, somebody Ruined fagen’s War photo,

And someb I Not being very Cooperative.

War photo, huh?

I’ve got A tonne of old Army uniforms.

War’s so fucking awesome.

Yeah, me And the boys,

We like to do War re-enactments

In the park On sundays.

Got to be Careful though. Freaks the shit

Out of the old guys Doing slow karate.

I’ve changed my mind.

You, lecherous one,

Dry-hump small one. Yeah.

This guy Here? Yeah. No, no, no, no!

Come on, that’s Disgusting!

Oh, look who’s being Uncooperative now.

Whatever. This is What we’re going to do.

We’re going to recreate Fagen’s war photo.

Photo Recreation time.

That’s right. Yeah!

And there’s room For one husky dude.

Oh, pick me! Pick me!

Pick me! Pick me! Me!No, no, no, Him, him, him. Him, him. Okay, Sorry, equally Husky dude,

It’s just that He has all The uniforms.

Yeah, I’m going to Show you my helmet.

Oh god, he’s Going to show me His helmet.

Hey,

Creepy one.

Dry-hump the Other creepy one.

Oh...

Sexy.

Arrr. You’re sick.

All right, Listen, everybody.

There’s been a recall On these calendars.

Uh, something about, Uh, lead paint

From china, very Dangerou-huh-huh-s...

Uh, look, I’m Just going to...

Yeah, you know, These monitors?

Very unsafe. Uranium. Radiation.

Yeah, it’s very bad For the eyesight.

Don’t want it any worse Than it already is.

Uh, hey!

Greg, yeah.

No, graham, right?

No, barry. Barry.

Good to see you, Barry. Yeah.

Oh, that’s nice. A great Calendar, clark.

Thanks, vic. Ah-h, ahem.

I happened to Notice that you Were in possession

Of, uh, one Little nut.

And I’m not talking A brazil nut.

I’m talking A macadamia nut.

And I would know Because I was Born in macadamia.

I, uh, I don’t know What the fuck you’re Talking about, vic.

Come on, clark. We all saw it.

Or should I say, Barely saw your Tiny little nut.

I hereby dub ye...

"Little nut".

All right, Listen, bat ears,

I already have A nickname. It’s smart-acus.

Nah, it doesn’t Fit anymore...

Lil’ nut.

Smart-acus. I’m smart-acus.

What’s the problem?

What’s the problem, Man? Huh? Huh?

Slow down, huh?

You don’t want to Damage that little nut! Smart-acus!

Lil’ nut!

How the hell are we Going to make this Look like korea?

You worry too Much, robin.

We have everything We need right here.

We do? Yeah! Yeah. Look, watch.

Uh, uh, uh...

Oh! Oh.

What do you see?

Uh, I see a Pathetic lawyer

Introducing a plant,

Talking like the guy From "Reading rainbow".

Use your Imagination, okay?

Isn’t it possible That this could be

A lush, korean tree?

Okay, okay.

Let me try.

Look, sam, a Korean stapler.Don’t be an Idiot, robin. That’s just a normal Western stapler. Seriously.

What we need now are Murray’s uniforms,

A couple of sandbags And... Ooh!

That miniature Helicopter they Have in I.T.

Ooh! Chopper. Yeah.

Then we’ll have a Bona fide war photo.

I’m in. This is war.

Oh, sorry.

Flashback to grandpa’s Summer cottage. Yeah.

So you’re saying you saw Clark claxton’s nuts?

Oh yes, and I Can 100% confirm

They are equally Large, supple,

And overall quite Gonad-a-licious. Hmmm.

Well, we Saw something Different, millie.

What you saw Was lies.

But just in case Those lies are true,

Let’s keep in Mind that testes

Are just window Dressing for The big show.

So from now on, Let’s call clark Lord shaft-acus.

Huh, I don’t Know, I... Oh,

Everybody’s Talking about it.

I think it’s the Perfect nickname.

Shaft-a-licious? Huh!

Like, his shaft Is delicious?

Uh... I have Things to do.

So? How’d it go?

Very well, sir. Congratulations.

You’ve been Gentrified.

You are now Lord lil’ nut.

No-o-o-o!

Very regal, sir.

It’s time to fix this With the claxton magic.

Get me my wallet.

Thanks.

Hmm.

Hey, keach, remember Last halloween

When we dressed up As the petshop boys? Yeah?

Was that gay?

Hey, ladies.

Oh, look we’re Busy, can’t talk.

Too busy to talk to Sir john a. Macdonald?

That’s sir robert l. Borden.

Oh yeah.

What do you need?

Well, I want You to start

On a new nickname For me, huh?Get the word out To the people. You know, you’ve Got to start these Things at the bottom.

What kind of Nickname are you Talking about?

It’s 100 bucks For flattery,

Two hunney For courageous,

And three For romantic.

How about "Vagina hunter"?

That’s already taken.

No, I was thinking More along the lines Of "Cc smooth"

Or, uh, "Dr. Booty grabber".

Huh?

No?

Look, just get it Done, all right?

200 now,

200 when I See results.

No problem. Thanks.

We’ll get It done.

Love me the bordens.

Who the fuck Was that?

That’s...

Lord little nut. Oh yeah.

Hello, gentlemen. I... Look, lady,

Whatever you’re Selling, we’re Not buying.

Unless you’re Selling dry humps. Or hash.

Oh, for the love of god.

Look, I was just Going to invite you

To be in the war Recreation photo,

But you know What? Forget it.

Wait! No one ever Asks us to be In office stuff.

Except christmas. I play santa.

And I always Play... Mrs. Claus.

Just once I’d like To be the baby jesus.

Okay, look. Here I am, An office employee,

Asking you guys, my Fellow office employees,

To join me in some office High jinks. You game?

You got it, Sister. Where And when?

Fagen’s office in 20.

We’ve got to get it done Before he gets back.

Oh! And bring your Little helicopter.

I got your helicopter Right here, baby doll.

Oh, sorry, you mean The to-scale remote- Control helicopter.

Ehh. An honest Mistake. Yeah.

Wait! Tell Everyone you see

That clark’s new Nickname is, uh...

What is it again? Dr. Lil’ nut.

Will do.

Hey, big guy, what Do you have there?

Oh, I need The sandbags

For the korean war Photo recreation.

Ah, and I Assume you Purchased those

At the war photo Recreation store.

Nah, I stole them Off some window Washer’s scaffolding.

I believe They need those For balance.

Oh, really?

Huh.

Oh, no, No, no!

"Dr. Lil’ nut"? Idiots.

All they kept was The "Dr." part.

Look at it This way, sir.

Now you’re a doctor And a lawyer.

The jewish women Will be lining up To marry you.

Zing!

Just trying To lighten The mood, sir.

Glad to see those Jackie mason tickets Didn’t go to waste.

Sir, back in Sunday school,

I was known as "Filly millie".

Yeah, yeah, ’cause You love horses, Great story.

Now skip to the part Where the office Stops calling me "Lil’ nut".

It was Filly millie this And filly millie that

Until I pleasured Earl hannedy in The a.V. Room,

And then I was The duchess Of hand job.

Really? The duchess Of hand job.

Hmm. Well, I would’ve Called you...

Well, I would’ve Just called you.

Thank you, sir. You know what?

I think you’re on To something here.

To get rid of This nickname, All I need to do

Is something more Embarrassing than Having a smallish nut.

You could confess to Stealing the canned goods

Out of the office Donation box, sir.

No way. What would I throw At the homeless people?

Okay.

Careful, It’s loaded.

All right, men, Listen up...

Okay, murray. Everybody Get into character.

We’re going to Shoot this photo In 0900 seconds.

Yes, that’s 15 minutes

For all you maggots

Who don’t know Military time!

Hey! Hey, murray,

Why don’t you Go show robin Your helmet,

Okay, sure. Huh?

Okay, keach... Mm-hmm.

You are going To be the guy In the distance

For depth Perception.

All right.

I’m far enough Back here?

I don’t know, Robin, is he far Enough back there?

Yeah, yeah, just Show some profile

And... Look Shell-shocked.

Fagen’s here.

What are you talking About? He’s not Supposed to be here

For, like, an hour.

Oh my god.

Fagen is here. Holy shit!

What are we Going to do?

Get a hold of Yourself, soldier.This is My grenade To fall on. I’ll distract Fagen while you Finish this photo.

Anybody else Think that slap Crossed the line?

Sir, yes, sir!

No. No, I’m Just kidding, I’m kidding.

Murray, get down And give me 20.

Okay.

Oh, push-ups Or sit-ups?

Both. Okay.

You know, That’s... Not Really a push-up.

Or a sit-up.

Mr. Fagen. How Was the dentist?

Oh, not bad.

They’ve got a new Whiskey-flavoured Fluoride.

Oh, I hope you Ordered a double.

You ready for More war stories?Where’s stan? I want to tell You two about the Time I got so drunk,

I fought for The other side.

The koreans gave Me a medal. Hah!

Well, before We do that, uh,

I’ve got to show You something in The photocopy room.

Look, lady,

I’ve got a wife.

Just, uh...

Where the fuck Is the gestetner

And the mimeo fluid? Uh, I have No idea, sir.

But, um, do You know the Lipinsky file?

I-it’s both Old business,

Which is 4-2-3-5,

And new business, Which is...

6-7-8-9,

So which code Would I use

S-so that the Copying gets billed To the right file?

You’ve got That crazy look In your eyes,

Just like edgar

Right before he Slaughtered that Village of monkeys.

Ooh...

I-I don’t think they Call them "Monkeys" Anymore, sir.

Excuse me. Orang-utans.

Now, what can I do you for?

Right. Well, Um, I... I Actually...

I wrote a song About the war,

And, um, the Acoustics in here Are really good,

So I wanted To sing it to you.

How patriotic. Huh!

So...

Here we go.

♪ war, it’s A bad thing ♪

♪ war, it’s A sad thing ♪

♪ war, it’s A rad thing ♪

♪ war... Come on.

♪ it’s a bad thing

♪ war, it’s A sad thing ♪

♪ war, it’s A rad thing... ♪

It’s good. It’s good. There you go, sir.

Are you positive you Want to go through With this, sir?Yeah. What Have you got? Well, sir, maybe you Should bend me over The boardroom table

And have your Way with me.

You know, This is no time For sick jokes.

But then you’d be Known as the guy Who banged the broad

Right in The office. No,

I’d be known As the guy with The little nut

Who banged the Broad in the office. You don’t get it.

Look, I could save A little fucking Baby’s life

And still the

"Tiny tot rescued By tiny ’teste’".

You’re always A hero, sir. Look,

You can’t change a Shitty nickname for An awesome nickname.

If I’m going to Be stuck with a Shitty nickname,

It’s going to be Of my choosing.

It’s like choosing Your own method Of execution, sir.

Yes, and I choose To piss myself.

I saw robin in The photocopy room.

If anyone can Sway the masses

When you empty Your bladder, It’s her.

Good thinking. Now piss off.

♪ and that’s all The things that Happened in korea ♪

♪ other than the time We all got gonor... ♪

♪ now I gotta go, I’ve got third row "Mama mia" ♪

♪ blah, blah, blah, Onomatopoeia ♪

Hey, can I interrupt, Sir? I need robin.

Is this in respect To official business?

Official? Oh yes, very Official business.

The most official Of official.

How many officials Are there?

Six, maybe seven.

Well, anything More than five,

You’ve got to Go with clark.

But... No. But... Come on.

But... But... Come on.

It’ll only take A minute, alanis.

♪ war, It’s a bad thing... ♪

Come on, come On, come on. Okay, okay, I... You know,

I don’t have Time for your Bullshit, clark.

Fagen’s going To walk into His office

And have his Very own personal "Apocalypse now". Now!

Check this Out. Hmm?

Oh, congratulations, A homemade catheter.

Reverse Homemade catheter.

In about 10 seconds, This baby’s going To make it look

That’s your Cue to yell, "Hey, everybody,

It’s professor Pissy pants!" Say it with me.

Professor pissy pants. Professor pissy pants.

Okay, I am sure you Have your reasons.

Actually, I Would’ve gone With detective...

Pissy pants,

But if I get to see you Wet yourself, I’m in.

But make it quick. All right.

Hi, everybody. Uh, Your attention please.

I need you to stop What you’re doing

And look at me.Quiet, everyone, Little nut has An announcement He’d like to make.

Thank you, thanks.

Uh, as you all know,

We’re living in A very dangerous Time and, uh...

Oh... Oh my... What have I done?

I believe I Have wet myself.

Uh, boy, that’s Going to be hard To live down, Isn’t it, robin?

Robin, where Are you going? Not now, Little nut!

Don’t you mean, uh,

"Not now, Professor pissy pants"?

Hey, look, Everyone,

Professor little nut Peed his pants.

I am smart-acus!

My long johns are Too tight. I can’t Even feel my legs.

You’re lucky You have legs Not to feel.

Where the hell Have you been?

Busy distracting fagen.

Oh. Where is he?

He was heading This way. Huh!

Well, we’ve got To find him.

Yeah, I know. Ahem!

Private morty fagen Reporting for duty.

Look at the fear In their eyes.

And notice how dapper I look in my suit.

Three days Of battle

And you can still See the pleats.

Yes, very Dapper, sir.

I didn’t know they wore Suits in the korean war.

Shut up, Clark.

Spartans!

Ha-ha!

For glory!

Okay, we got it.

You got it. Yeah.

You sure? Absolutely.

All right.

You know, I’m pretty Sure I could see One of his testicles Hanging out.

Yeah, I Saw it too.

I can’t believe How small it is.

Should we Tell him? That asshole? Forget it.

Bring in october. Bring in...

I should’ve Thought of that.

What am I Supposed to be?

What the hell Is that?

I swear it looked Like a ghost costume

On the rack.

If you weren’t my Brother-in-law...

Just get Off my back!

Hi. Uh... Small adjustment.

There you go.

You are Such an ass.

And smile.

One, two, three, four!