Original subtitles

And this is Little oswepe.

Oh... Yeah.

You know, for the Price of a cup Of coffee a day,

He now has pants, Powdered milk,

Oh, and I just sent Him a boxed set of "Mad about you".

Oh, that’s So sweet.

Yeah. He doesn’t Have a dvd Player yet,

But, uh... Christmas.

Aww.What time friday? Mr. Claxton will Send a car to pick You up at 8:00.

If you have any Food allergies,

Let me know a.S.A.P.

He doesn’t expect sex On the first date.

Although a handjob Is standard.

She’s just dazzled By the suit.

I’ve got a suit.

With suspenders.

Ugh.

Oh!

I’ve been Off my game All week, sam.

Something’s not Right around here.

Think maybe it’s Lady problems?

No. I haven’t Had my period in, Like, two months.

I don’t think that’s A good thing, robin. Hmm?

I love it when They hire new meat.

Uh, daphne has Worked 22 feet away

From your office For three years.

What?

Don’t you remember The nickname You gave her?

That’s kleenex?Sam: And by the Way, clark, I’m not so Impressed with Your pick-up skills.

I just rented this Independent film

This weekend Called "Swingers".

I don’t know If you guys Have seen it.

Anyway, I can Pick up anybody, Anywhere, anytime.

I am so money.

Yeah...

So the, uh, the girl In the food court

With the hare lip Will finally be yours.

I told you. That Scar came from A knife fight.

I can’t believe you Didn’t rag on him

For discovering "Swingers" ten years After it was released.

It was a split- Second decision.

I can live With my choice.

All right, "Playa",

You think you got Some pick-up skills?

I want you To prove it.

500 bucks if You can pick up The next woman

Who comes off That elevator.

Ho-ho, I am so all About the action.

In vegas, baby,

They give daddy the "Rain man" suite, baby.

I’ll take half That action.

And you have to Actually go on A date with them.

And not The staff lounge.

Deal. Please be a supermodel,

Please be a supermodel...

Oh, there is a god.

Yeah. And she loves Us more than sam.

Fuck off!

One, two, three, four!

♪ all hail The working man ♪

♪ he’s got the world In his hand ♪

♪ all hail The working man ♪

♪ the work is never done

♪ way-oh, way-oh-oh

♪ way-oh, way-oh-ho

Huh!

♪ I am the working man

♪ through the night Till the morning sun ♪

♪ I am the working man

♪ the work is never done

♪ way-oh, way-oh-oh Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! ♪ way-oh-way

♪ pray for The working man ♪

♪ always there With a helping hand ♪

♪ pray for The working man ♪

♪ the work is never done

♪ all hail The working man ♪

♪ another day Has just begun ♪

♪ all hail The working man ♪

♪ it’s never friggin’ done

What is it, sir?

I’m kind Of hungry.

Yep. Oh hey!

Where’d you get That muffin?

Oh yeah, she’s A beaut, huh? Yeah.

Yeah, I stole it From mmmuffins.

Oh. Well, I’ll give you

A m-m-million dollars For that muffin.

Psht. No deal.

You’ll make it from Some foreign country.

And by the time I fly There to cash it in,

It’ll be worthless.

True. Well, hey. Take millie then.

What do you mean? Like... In the Biblical sense?

No, as your Assistant, moron.

Assistant moron?

Yeah, all right. You got a deal.

Great. Millie?

Best deal you ever Made, stipple.

Yeah? Yeah. Oh yeah.

Oh, she needs to be Walked twice daily

And, uh, don’t feed Her after midnight.

Nice working With you, sir. You too.

Oh, you walk Ahead...

Mmm.

So... Smoking, huh?

That’s a pretty Fun thing to do.

You ever thought Of chewing tobacco At the same time?

Really speed up That mouth cancer?

Your face is giving Me eye cancer.

Oh, there’s that Sultry voice.

Do your burgess meredith Impression for me.

What do you Want, asshole?

I’m going to level With you, maxine.

Robin and clark Bet me 300 bucks

I couldn’t pick you up.

You couldn’t Pick up a hooker

If you had $5000 Shoved up your ass.

Maybe so, but if you go Out on a date with me,

I’ll split The money with you.

You’re a shitty Liar, caponelli.

I heard the bet Was for $500.

Ha-ha... Yes! The lady Hears things.

For lying, I get four.

Fine, but you’re Paying for dinner.

Deal.

What the hell?

Five, four, Three, two...

Oh hey! How was It toiling in Murray’s lair?

Typical, sir.

He kept accidentally Brushing up against me.

Boy, you run Fast, huh?I was just Kidding Back there. Now come on. Clark sold You to me for a muffin.

I can’t be sold for A muffin, mr. Stipple.

It’s not a Recognized currency.

Clarkie, come on. We had a deal, bro.

Did you really think You could claim a Human being, murray?

For a muffin?This isn’t The "Amistad". Okay... Point taken, Lesson’s learned.

I want my muffin Back, though.

Mmm. Come back In six hours.

No wait, there’s bran In it. Make it two.

You know what? You’re an indi...

Native peoples giver.

Mmm. Politically Correct racism.

Good for you.

Thanks a lot.

Hey, beautiful babies.

What’s going on With murray?

He didn’t look so M-m-money, baby.

Well, "Baby"...Let me tell you A little story. My great-grandfather Started the claxton Fortune

With a single Bluetick hound.

Best hunting dog In the county.

Anytime my grandpa Needed something,

He just traded The dog for it.

But he also trained The bluetick

To always come Back to him.

Ah... Just like I’m doing With millie here.Bluetick... Is that, like, Some kind of Big breed of dog Or something?

So not the point Of the story.

Anyway, what do you want?

Oh yeah! Come with me.

Be amazed.

Ah!

Watch where you’re Going, fuck-f...

Eyes.

"Fuck eyes!"

Is that what The kids are Saying these days?

Yeah, like, what’s Wrong with you?

You’re a total Clod lately.

Shh, shh. Listen.

Do you hear that?

It’s the silence.

I just figured it out. The hum is gone.

The asian guy From h.R.?

No, the building hum.

You know that White noise that’s Always there?

Now I can hear Everyone on this floor

Shuffling their phlegm.

Th-there used To be more of a...

Of a...

But now there’s nothing. Yeah.

Hey! Maybe that’s why I can hear the ladies Peeing in the bathroom.

Well, I need That hum.

The silence Is killing me.

Oh! Get your wallets Out. It’s time To pay the piper.

Hey there, Baby-doll.

We still on For tonight?

You bet we Are, kid.

Va-va-voom.

I’ll meet you back Here in five minutes.I have to Powder my nose. And by that she means, "Change her diaper".

You bought her Off, didn’t you?

Yes, I did. There’s No rule against it.

I’m awesome, You guys suck.

How much do you Think it cost him?

Oh, carton of Cigarettes,

Five-dollar Jug of perfume,

Some, uh, Scratch-and-wins...

His dignity.

Yeah, okay.

His, uh, he-man Action figure.

What is it, sir?

I think I’m Thirsty. Yeah.

Mmm.

Ugh! Whoa, hey,

Is that, uh, Strawberry sensation?

Uh...

Yeah, I... I think so.Hmm, you know what? I’ll trade you Millie for That smoothie.

What’s wrong With her?

She didn’t fall off Her horse, did she?

No, she’s still the Same, great assistant.

Could you, um...

You know My fickle ways.

I need change and, hey,

You look like you Need some help.

God, yes.

This silence is Making me crazy.

You got Yourself a deal.

All right. Millie?

To the garage.

I haven’t been able To find my car In three days.

Mmm! Aha!

Finally caught You, clark.

Hey, that homeless man Set himself on fire.Ask the cops. No, no, I’m talking About your trading Millie scam.

The whole office Is ready to revolt.

George humm is Walking around

Without his Snakeskin boots.

I think you mean Fake snakeskin.

So who’s the Real victim?

Well, it all Ends here.

All right, No harm no foul.

Hey millie, Get back here.

No dice.

You already Took a sip.

That consummates The deal.

Swallowing is nine- Tenths of the law.

Millie is robin’s Assistant now.

She can do with her As she pleases.

Sadness.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey there, Handsome. Hey!

There’s the sweater I promised you.

Wear it tonight At bingo...

They crank up The a/c in there

Like they’re Storing meat. Thank You very much.

Hah-hah. Storing meat.

Is that A euphemism For fucking?

Hey, you know You only had to Go on one date.

Uh-huh. So you really like The old ladies, huh?

Which, uh, which one Of "The golden girls"Would you go for? Easy. Blanche. She’s slutty. Ah, yes.

Clark, me And maxine,

We played euchre All weekend long.

Is that a euphemism For fucking?

No, I’m winning At old-people games.

I’m kicking ass And taking names.

Hey, wouldn’t it Be cooler if you Didn’t take names?

Actually, It would. Yeah.

Ah, I’m going to be Like zelig on this, clark.

A gnarly chameleon Hamming it up like an Old vaudevillian...

See, the thing about Grifting old people,is you got To blend in. Yeah. Yeah, you Got to get right Up inside them.

Ah-hah! Now That’ a euphemism For fucking!

Zoltan!

Zoltan, what the Hell did you do?

Uh, if it was Good, it was me.

If it is bad, I had Nothing to do with it.

Listen! The noise is gone.

Oh yes, yes!

I finally fix! Is amazing.

No, is not amazing.

Now I can hear Every loser On this floor!

It’s making Me crazy.

Look, my job is to fix.

It wasn’t broken.

No one likes Silence.

Except for monks... And... Deaf people.

Deaf people don’t Like silence,

They have no choice. They are deaf.

Okay, just undo Whatever you did

Or I’ll have you Sent back to wherever You came from.

Scarborough?

Oh, okay, okay!

I try... I try.

Hmm...

Nice death- Grip, millie.

When I was a child,

They called me Lobster-girl.

Mostly because I wore a bib.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

Yep, no, I’m Looking for it.

I... I’m looking for it!

Hold on. Hello?

I don’t know... I don’t know, okay?

She’s just gone, Get off my back.

Hello!

No, she’s not here.

I don’t care if You’re her doctor.

Well, that’s hardly A disease. Just Hold on one sec.

Hello, you’ve Reached the offices Of clark claxton.

I’m unavailable to take Your call right now.

Please leave a message After the fuck.

Fu-u-u-u-u...

U-u-ck!

Try humming higher.

No, still not Right. Shut up.

Oh, for The love of god,

It’s madness In my office.

There are Stacks of paper,

Phones ringing, no Coffee, no water...

It’s fucking darfur.

What do you want Me to do about it?

I want you To put millie

In some kind of Dance program.

What do you Think I want?

Why would I ever give Her back to you?

Well, look. Because I promised a kid With bone cancer

Millie would Hit a home run This weekend.

Hmm. Can you Ever be genuine?

No.

I tell you what. You go one full week

Without being sarcastic And millie is yours.

A week? Fine!

Yeah. Oh, but... This week?

You realize sam Is dating maxine.

And as such I know You don’t have A hope in hell.

Oh, please.

Like it’ll be So-o-o hard

Not to say anything Sarcastic. For a week.

You want to Start again?

Yeah, I want To start again.

You want to Start again?

Yes...

I mean... Yes.

It’s terrible.

I’m a pancer’s Man myself.

The smoked meat’s A little stringy,

But the pastrami’s Spiced just right.

And you get Some portion.

Like nobody’s Business.

Say, did you hear?

They shut down Steiners’!

No!

Yeah. He was Showing porn

To high school students In the back room.

No! Porn!

Oh, clarkie, Last night,

You should have seen The euchre game.

It went like Gang busters.

Ah... I... I notice

You’re still wearing That cardigan.

Yes. I am. It’s maxine’s Dead husband’s.

In the pockets, There were hard Candies.

Hard candy...

Oh! Oh, Oh, oh, oh!

Look at what I won My girl at bingo.

$300, that’s Worth!

I know a wholesaler Could get that Bracelet for 150.

Never that Bracelet!

That exact same Bracelet, stan.

Fucking sweet Sweater, sam.

I love the feel Of sheep’s fur. Aah...

I’ll save you A seat, clarkie.

I think... Uh...

What... What... What I mean to say is... Uh...

Where am I Going with this?Who cares? You’re on A slow train to Nowheres, howland.

Murray, you Want to tell us

About the tax shelter Ramifications?

Yeah, well, it’s pretty Straightforward.

Keep the money in Madagascar, yadda-yadda.

The only thing, I need someone

To keep me from Screwing myself.

And I mean That literally.

Okay.

Who’s going to monitor Murray’s movements?

Anybody?

You’re killing him.

If he dies, He dies.

Clark? You want to Bring up the rear here?

I... I-hi believe I can do that, sir.

I’m really glad You got my ass On this one, bro.

A-a-a-a-and...

Done!

Hey, sam. Got a sec?

And you thought I wouldn’t use

The whittling kit I won at bingo.

Okay, we got To talk.

All right, but I don’t have A lot of time.

I got some wood that Needs shellacking.

All right, let’s Cut to the chase.

I got some womanly Needs that also Need shellacking.

Knock yourself Out, kid.

Okay, god knows I’m Not dating you for The conversation.

Aw, jeez.

Always with the Conversation. Can’t We just be together?

Pay attention. I Want me some action,

And I want it now.

Ohh.

Mmm.

Ohhh.

Ooh.

Well, would you Settle for a duck?

It rhymes With "Duck".

Hey! What The hell are you Doing with millie?

It doesn’t concern You anymore.

Millie’s new Mandate is to help Get my hum back.

I’m sorry I’m not Very mechanically Inclined, ms. Howland.

If zoltan gets Sucked in,

Don’t grab For his legs.

I can’t afford To lose you both.

Ah, there you Are, clark.

What’s everybody Else doing here?

Yeah, clark.

What are we all Doing in the boiler Room together?

Well...

Don’t do it, sir!I’ll be Robin’s forever! And then who will Tell you the cigarette In your mouth

Is backwards when You’re drunk?

Yeah, whatever. Uh, listen, clark, I need some advice.

You know, I’ve Been hanging out With maxine lately.

We’ve been having A really good Time together.

Well today, she came Up to me and she gave Me the ultimatum.

And what Ultimatum is that?

She said if I Don’t fulfil her ’womany needs’...

Womany! Womany...

Then our Relationship is over.

Which is "Whatever", But I really think

We have a chance At winning that Euchre championship.

Be strong, sir.

Well, clark?

Sam, who’s been "Dating" the 60- Something maxine,

Has now encountered The classic dilemma

Of having to put out, Or lose his gal.

Don’t you have Anything to say?

Run, sir!

No, no, It’s fine...

Uh... Well, sam, my Advice... Ahem...

Is to, uh, do what Is in your heart.

Oh, gee, clark, I Thought you’d have More to say than that.

I mean, isn’t it Always wrong

To be pressured Into sex by someone

Your grandmother’s age?

Actually, maxine Does look a lot like My grandmother.

Only hotter, obviously.

I say go for it! Yeah, I think It’s a great idea!

This way, you’ll Be able to brag

You put your penis In the same place General macarthur did.

But you know What? I bet

You don’t even Have the balls To do it. No!

So double or nothing!

I bet you’re not "Old man" enough

To lock lips with Whistler’s mother.

Whoa, whoa! You are on!

Yeah? You hear me? Yeah?

Because I’m not An age-ist, clark.

I don’t see age.

I’m just going To follow this Thing through,

We’ll see Where it goes.

All right. Yeah!

At least through The gin rummy trials

And into the summer Bocce ball season.

Thanks for your Sincerity, clarkie.

And thanks for The sarcasm, clark.

Millie’s Mine now.

So fuck off and Leave us alone.

I have to take Care of this hum

Before I stab Myself in the ears With a nail file.

I don’t care what Robin says, sir.

I will still mail out Your christmas cards,

Whether you send Me one or not.

Oh...

There you go.

Yeah! Aah.

Ah, zoltan Does it again.

Does what?

Whoa! That... That’s a totally Different sound.

No, it’s the same sound.

What? What are You talking about?

That sounds like a Broken washing machine.

Get back up there.

Aah. Goodbye.

Huh. Someone Shoot me, please.

What the fuck am I going to do now?

Wha... Hey, hey...

What if I Fix your hum?

Yeah, what If I do that?

Would you give Me millie back?

Deal.

Just get it Done before I Have a seizure.

All right. Get up there.

Yes, sir.

Come on... For god’s sakes,

What’s your Hurry, caponelli?Well... I got something really Important to tell you.

Oh, shit.

You’re coming out To me, aren’t you?

Uh, no, maxine.

I’ve decided That I am ready

To fulfil your Womany needs.

Oh.

Oh!

Well, then I forgive you

For pulling me out Of the coffee line.

Get ready for Some sugar...

Honey. Ooh.

Okay...

Double or nothing.

What? What?

Less talking, More smooching!

Okay...

All right, just One... One little...

Oh... Yeah.

All right.

Sir, I seem to have Uncovered some Sparking wires.

Do you think they May have something To do with the noise?

Hmm, yeah, live Uninsulated Electrical wires.

I think you need to Put those together

With your bare hands.

Oh, someone Take your photo?

Sarcasm!

It was sarcasm!

Huh.

You got a little, uh...

Something on Your face.

Did I get it?

Oh yeah. Yeah.

Goddamn it, What a week, huh?

I mean, first robin Screws me over,

Then I... I got To stop being me,

Now I’m stuck in The boiler room With al jolson.

Goddamn it!

Huh. Ohh!

My hum.

My hum is back!

Yes! Thank you!

You did it, sir.

Yes, I did.

Now get your filthy Hands off me.

This is a $4000 suit.

I’ll pay for the Dry cleaning, sir.

All right.

What did you Do that for?

Well, it’s Our first kiss.

I wanted to Remember it.

I think I’m going To need another One for safety.

No fucking way!

I know...

Yeah, what were You doing with Your tongue?

I don’t know!

Those lips are Like sandpaper.

My tongue was Just looking For moisture.

You know, I’ve been A chain smoker

For 30 years, and You tasted like ass!

And you know What else?

You’re a lousy, Shitty euchre player!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You take that back!

I’m carrying this team And you know it.

I cannot believe I let You get to second base!

Ugh!

That was a breast?

...Two, three... So you’re Telling me

That only after You kissed These gnarled,

Cigarette- Stained lips,

You realized You should try To have sex

With young women?

Aw, you’re growing Up right before Our very eyes.

But in the future, When someone says

They’ll dump you If you don’t give Them your flower,

Remember... You’re Worth more than that.

Thank you, robin.

Hey, millie, Get in here.

Millie, we’re Celebrating Your return.

So, uh, can you Get us some glasses For this champagne?

Oh, and a bison Steak for me, rare.

Uh, a side of Potato rosti For robin.

And sam? Anything?

Ooh, ah, I would like A bowl of... Cereal.

Cereal.

It’s what I feel like!

Sir, I want to Thank you again for...

Ooh. You’re, uh, probably Going to feel that In the morning.

Yes, sir.

You should Get some ice.

For the champagne.

To sarcasm! Huh?

500 bucks if You can pick up The next woman

Who comes off That elevator.

Ho-ho, I am So all about The action.

In vegas, baby, They give daddy

The "Rain man" suite, baby.

I’ll take half That action.

And you have to Actually go on A date with them.

And not The staff lounge.

Deal. Please be a supermodel. Please be a supermodel.

Please be a supermodel.

Oh, I forgot My cellphone.

We got to go Back down.

Out of my way.

Hot stuff Coming through.

One, two, three, four!