Original subtitles

Guess who aced their Physical yet again?

I don’t do Rhetorical questions.

Weight down, Cholesterol down,

White blood Cells way down.

I also am std-free, Lice-free

And my yeast Infection’s gone.

Wow! Yeah. How’d you do?Little worse Than last year. I believe the doctor’s Exact words were "Ticking time bomb".

Holy shit! Look at Your t-cell count.

It’s supposed To be between two And three million

And yours is six.

Mm? God, you’re going To die, clark.

We’re all going To die, sam.

Yeah, but according To this projection,

You’re going To die in...

October.

Saves me Christmas shopping.

Okay. I-I can’t let This happen to you.

I love you, clark.

We’re going to Exercise you,

We’re going to Feed you good food,

We’re going to clean Out those arteries.

Don’t you care That you have...

Leprosy? I’m hoping That’s a typo.

Okay, see? I’m going To go out on a limb,

But that, I think, Is bad for you.

Don’t knock it Till you try it.

No. I can’t. Go on, go on.

You know You want it. No!

You know where To find it.

One, two, three, four!

♪ all hail The working man ♪

♪ he’s got the world In his hand ♪

♪ all hail The working man ♪

♪ the work is never done

♪ way-oh, way-oh-oh

♪ way-oh, way-oh-ho

Huh!

♪ I am the working man

♪ through the night Till the morning sun ♪

♪ I am the working man

♪ the work is never done

♪ way-oh, way-oh-oh Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! ♪ way-oh-way

♪ pray for The working man ♪

♪ always there With a helping hand ♪

♪ pray for The working man ♪

♪ the work is never done

♪ all hail The working man ♪

♪ another day Has just begun ♪

♪ all hail The working man ♪

♪ it’s never friggin’ done

No, I said, re-gina.

Well, I’ve Got to tell you,

You’re one tough Negotiator, robin.

I only hope next time You’re in bed with us.

Hey, that might be the First time I’ve said that

Without actually Implying sex.

Well, I appreciate The praise, mr. Claxton.

Though, I’m A little insulted

You didn’t Sexually harass me.

Well, I expect This steel company

To be mine By tonight.

Not to worry.

Robin will take care Of everything.

Just over here.

Roderick, are you Wearing roller shoes?

You mean these? Yeah.

They make them For adults now.

Oh, wow!

And what are you Doing here during The day shift?

I thought sunlight Burned your skin.

So funny, I forgot to laugh.

I’m filling in for leon. He has mononucleosis.

He said he got it From a lady.

I’m certain it was A water fountain.And last but not least, What the hell are You doing staring Into the boardroom?

Ah, I’m watching One robin howland Practice law.

And let me tell You this, samuel:

She’s good.

Yeah. I mean, Look at her.

Oh, this should Drive you crazy.

See that guy over there?

That’s chaz,

One of robin’s exes.

He’s no threat to me. Really?

I heard he was a level 42 gnome who could cast A rank 6 frost-bolt.

The battle has begun.

Yes, it has.

Oh...

Clarkie, You little pooper.

It’s going to be okay.

We’re going to get Through this together.

We’ll get you Healthy again...

You’ll see.

99... 100!

Ready or not, Here I come!

What are you doing?

Playing hide and seek With millie.

I’m telling you, sam, She’s the best hider

Since little Scottie merkel In second grade.

Although him hiding In that freezer wasn’t Such a great move.

Scottie.

Okay, first of all, Why are you not upset

About your horribly, Horribly, failing health?

Meh. Second,

Hide and seek? It’s a kid’s game.

And secondly... Wait, wait, Wait, wait.

There’s two "Seconds"?

The second one Was a "Secondly". Oh.

Okay? Second of all,

I am the greatest Hider that ever Lived and ever will.

No, you’re not.

Millie’s in a class All her own.

Olly olly oxen free!

I win, sir. Six in a row.

Nice. We have a new Challenger, millie.

Sam here believes That he’s a much Better hider than you.

Laughable, sir.

So here’s what I’m going to do.

I’m going to give You both a 100-count

And whoever I find First is the loser.

Jesus!

One...

Oh... I... Two...

I kind of thought we Were kidding, clark.

Three... I’m not going to play This stupid game.

Four...Five... Hey, can you Count to 100 for Me really loud?

I already covered One to five.

Oh, sorry...

You’re not worried About cholesterol

Or lung cancer? I mean, I thought You quit.

I did, but I missed The smoky flavour

The nicotine Gave to my steaks. Oh, yeah.

Dad, my blood pressure’s Through the roof, okay.

They think I Need angioplasty.

Ah, it’s the claxton way.

I had two heart Attacks last month

And another one in The car on my way over here.

Look, dad, if you go, I mean, you’ll be fine.

You’ve built a legacy. Me? I’ve got nothing To show for myself.

I mean, your funeral’s Going to be chock full Of ex-wives,

Yes-men and Bastard children.

Yeah, it’s going To be great.

Hey! I just booked "Glass tiger".

You like them, huh?

Son, I’ll tell you,

Eat whatever The hell you want,

Tag as much Tail as you can,

And leave behind A beautiful corpse.

What’s your Expiry date? October.

Oh, good. Saves me A christmas present. Yeah.

We’ve got to run. Here, you can finish That if you want.

Sam?

Fuck! You found me.

What the hell are You doing up there?

I was hiding.

I win again, sir.

The undisputed champ. Millie, on my desk

There’s a tin of walnuts. You can have one.

Thank you, sir.

Hey! No, no, no!

Rematch!

Damn! I’m locked in here.

Damn! I’m talking To myself.

Oh, hey, morris,

Could you...? Okay, don’t Worry about it.

It’s amazing how Something so small

Can make such A big difference.

And that howland chick Didn’t notice it?

No, sir.

It’s buried in The contract.

You’ll be getting Your steel factory For half price.

Oh, fagen & harrison Is so fucked.

And I can buy myself Another steel factory.

We’ll smelt Till the cows Come home, huh?

Question. What about your son?

Ah, fuck him!

He’ll land on his feet. He always does.

He’s kind of like A cat that way.

He’s named after A cat, you know.

I thought he was Named after you.

No. No, I named The cat after me,

And him After the cat.

Man, I loved That fucking cat.

So, I have a very Important job for you.

Every job’s Important, sir.

I’ve decided to Spread my seed.

The claxton legacy Must live on.

So I need to find A suitable vessel for my Offspring before I die.

I’d like to offer Myself, sir.

Though, I should Warn you,

I fell off my horse A few years ago,

And I’m not sure if Everything’s in working Order down there.

But I’d like To give it a try.

Er... Not the most Tempting offer.

What are your Requirements, then, sir?

Uh, someone with An abundance of Fertile eggs, naturally.

And someone with Large breasts.

N-not for me. For the baby.

I’m not selfish.

Let’s get This done, sir.

This should be A real feather In your cap, robin.

It’s a landmark deal.

We’re keeping Our eyes on you.

Thank you, sir. Just happy To be of help.

Psst! Up here.

That sounds Like harrison.

Harrison, did you Come back to haunt me?

Is it because I diddled your wife?

Caponelli? Where the hell are you?

Uh, I’m locked In the vent, sir.

Stan!

I lived in a sewer For four years in ’52.

Best years of my life.I could see how That would be, sir. But, listen, I overheard clark’s Dad talking to chaz

About something that’s Hidden in the contracts.

If we don’t find it, We’re going to Lose our shirts.

This is no time For celebration, Howland. Oh.

We’ve got to fix this Before closing or We’re fucked.

6:00 p.M., howland. Let’s move!

You need some help Getting out?

Oh, no. I’m loving It up here.

I’m doing a lot Of networking.

I was just kidding!

Come on! Robin!

So what do you Say, yummy mummy?

I’m pretty sure My body would Attack your sperm.

Oh, come on!

Our kids would Be so hot.

Everybody’d want To fuck them. Uh...

When they grow up.

Oh, that’s a well- Argued case, clark.

Look, you carried My dad’s file For 11 months.

Why can’t you carry My seed for nine? Hm?

All right. I Don’t have time For this shit.

I’ve got to go rob An ex-boyfriend Of his dignity.

Too late.

He already dated you!

Even up here, I still got it.

Unbelievable.

High-five. That was nice.

Chaz?

Robin!

What do you want?

To twist the knife In even deeper?

Ugh, why do you Have to be such A girl all the time?

I left my wife For you.

After two dates.

God, you are so Hot right now.

Look, I need Information about The merger contracts.

How is claxton worldwide Going to fuck us?

I don’t know What you’re Talking about, robin.

Oh, I think you do.

No, please.

Not... Not here.

Tell me and I’ll Let you lick my eye.

No, robin.

I don’t really Do that anymore.

Are you sure?

I’m trying to be Very good here.

Sure you are. Come on, perv.

Do your thing.

Oh...

You weren’t My first choice.

Not really top 20, To be honest.

But, you know, I don’t think you’d Totally destroy a kid.

And you don’t have To stop smoking.

No, puff away.

You know, I’m fine With low birth weight.

I hate fat babies.

What part of menopause Are you failing to grasp?

Small oversight.

Anyone left on The list, millie?

No, sir. But, I’d like to offer Myself again, sir.

No. And, uh, please don’t Bring that up again.

Okay. All right.

I’m sorry you were Unable to find anyone

To bear Your child, sir.

Don’t pity me, millie. Pity humanity.

Without people Like me, the world Would fall to idiots

Who trap Themselves in vents.

I’m right here.

And where’s My soda, already?

I’m dying of thirst.It’s coming. Sir, if your goal is To spread your seed,

Why don’t you just Go to a sperm bank?

You could end up with A legion of claxtons.

Oh.

Millie. Yes, sir.

Get yourself Another walnut.Thank you, sir. You know, the way You’re going, You might as well keep That tin at your desk.

Thank you, sir.

Ugh!

That’s twice... Gnome.

There won’t Be a third.

And if there is, It’ll be best of five.

No. This would Be seven.

No, it’d be...

It’ll be "Best of" Until I beat you!

What the fuck was that?

Fifth name is...

There’s a misplaced comma In one of the documents

That changes the language Of the contract.

Chaz wouldn’t Tell me where. Why not?

Didn’t like my new Contact lens solution.

If we have to push closing,

That’s a $10 million penalty!

That bastard claxton Is at it again.

There’s no way I’m going To find this thing.

Well, there’s No way that I can Tell our client

That it’s going to cost Them an extra 10 million For a comma!

Give me nine Articling students,

Any lawyer That’s availableand a swimming Pool of coffee. Jesus, kid, I’ll Give you a hot tub Full of cream

And a sauna full Of sweetener.

Get this Job done, kid.

Good luck. Thanks.

You’re screwed.

Royally.

Oh-ho-ho! That’s the smile Of a man with A well-tugged pud.

How’d it go, bro?What the hell are you Talking about, murray?

Sam told me that You made a deposit At the sperm bank. That’s what you get For bogarting my drink

And not letting Me out of here.

So? So how Was it, huh?

Did they have Any good mags? Warming lube?

Oh, I bet it Was awesome.

I wish I could Have been there.

No. Look, You know what?

It was Surprisingly classy.

But they suggested that I make a profile video,

You know, to help Sell my love muck.

Oh, love muck!

I’ll buy that For a dollar.

No. I’m just... Kidding.

Look, do you Know anyone who Has a camera?

Yeah, I got A camera. Yeah?In my office, yeah. You never know when You’re going to get That million-dollar video

Of someone Beating on you.

Ah, good thinking. Let’s go.

Or... Beating off On you, in your case.

Just kidding. Just kidding.

Imagine that? You Beating off on me.

Maxine!

Have you seen Robin anywhere?

No. It’s been A good day.

Well, if you Happen upon her,

Please notify her I’m bearing a gift.

I’ve no idea Who you are.

All right. Um...

Should I look in The camera or...?

Yeah, yeah, Right down the...

Right down... Okay. Yeah.

Hi, I’m clark claxton, The third.

Cut! You know what?

Put these on and don’t Use your real name.

Otherwise, they’ll Want child support.

And remember, people Who use sperm banks

Only want white babies,

Otherwise they’d Shop in cambodia.

So, you know, Keep it wasp-y.

Wasp-y. Yeah.

All right. And one More button.

One more? Yeah.

You sure? Oh, yeah. That’s good.

It’s good? Yeah.

All right. Wasp-y. Wasp-y.

Hi. I’m bryant gumbel,

Donor number 24601.

And I want to be Your baby’s father.

Yeah. Work it, work it.Tell me about Your interests. My interests include Quantum physics,

Social work, speed chess,

And taking care of My wonderful mother.Millie: Sir? Cut! Oh, shit! That was a good Take too, bro.

Yeah, I like the way Your chest hair’s Blowing in the breeze.

Super sexy, bro. Super hot.

Nah, just kidding, Just kidding.

I just got a call from The sperm bank, sir.

I’m afraid there’s Some bad news.

What is it?

You’re sterile, sir.

Shut that thing off.Are you sure? They’ve never seen Sperm swim so badly.

Most of them Doggie-paddled In little circles.

Holy jeez!

Your sperm’s Retarded, bro.

No, just kidding, Just kidding.

I... Actually, I think it’s gay.

Yeah, I read Studies about that.

Oh, son.

What could possibly Be so important?

I’ve got a deal Closing in A half an hour.

All right, all right. I’ll be brief, okay?

Uh... It looks like I’m the last of The claxton bloodline.

Yeah, the family name’s Going to die with me.

That’s impossible.It is possible. I found out I have Six months left to live.

And on top of that, I’m sterile.

I’m the last of The claxton bloodline.

Who said what now?

Son, look,

I never wanted to Have to tell you this.

In fact, I was never Going to tell you this,

But I’m sterile.

Always have been.

So what was I?

An immaculate Conception?

Mm, no. You were More along the lines Of a mistake.Not my mistake, Your mother’s. She went off to Europe and came back In the family way.

So my dad might Be named pierre?

I doubt it. She never Liked the french much.

I’m thinking more Along the lines of Hans, otto or ootmar.

So you’re not Even my dad?

Anything else?

How come we look So much alike?

What can I tell you? Your mother had a type.

But...

Clark! Robin? What are You doing in Clark’s office?

Roderick’s been hovering Around mine all day.

God, this is hopeless.

I’m never going To find this comma.

Well, I’m great At finding Punctuation marks.

You let me out of here, I’m going to find that Comma in no time flat.

I might even throw A semi-colon in.

I thought you liked Being up there.Sam: I was just kidding. And now I have to pee. Well, I had to pee.

Avoid accounting.And don’t drink Out of murray’s cup. Sam, while you’ve Been playing hide And seek all afternoon,

My career’s been Hanging in the balance.

I don’t have Time for this.

Millie! I need the Next set of documents.

Whoa, whoa! Where are you going?

Hello. Listen, I need a price

On a near-mint Wonder woman mego doll.

And, although it’s out of Its original packaging,I do have all The accessories, Including, you’ll Be happy to know, Her golden lasso...

Hang up the phone, Roderick.

I’ll call you back.

Hello, samuel.

Someone told me you Were in the vent.

I thought it was A new euphemism

For being homosexual.

Yeah. Robin’s been Looking for you.

Be sure to tell her about Your wonder woman doll.

She’s a big fan. She’s in clark’s office.

Beautiful and a connoisseur Of action figures.

’tis like a dream.

’tis like a retard.

Oh god!

Don’t fret!

I’m wearing kneepads Under my cords.

What the hell Are you doing In my office?

It’s clark’s office.

Sam said you Needed to see me.

For future Reference, I don’t Ever need to see you.

In fact, I secretly Hope you’ll die.

From your lips To satan’s ears.

Anyway, I have Something for you.

Stay away from Me, roderick.

I don’t care if The building’s Burning down

And you think I’m trapped.

You are never to Ever enter an office I am in ever again.

I brought you Your precious comma.

What?

I took the digital Versions of All 172 documents

And wrote a small Visual basic program That emailed five pages

To everyone on my "World of warcraft" Server.

No fucking way.

Page 162 of the agreement Of purchase and sale.

Paragraph 3, Line 8.

Capncrunch269 from Lisbon, portugal, Found it.

Oh!

Oh...

I found it!

My gift to you, Dream-weaver.

So you’re saying You found a comma

That would have Cost you millions?

My god...

Funny my guys Missed that.

Well, my ex-guys.

Good work, howland. We owe you.

Sir, any chance We could get roderick

Transferred to The winnipeg office?

This is a very Auspicious time.

The indonesian arm Of stevens international

Is about to merge with The steel division Of claxton worldwide.

Hear, hear.

Gentlemen!

Shall we make With the signing?

Okay. Where am I going?

Oh!

Sign here.

And this... Sign here.

And I think We’re done!

Good times.

Mmm.

Okay, man, here’s how It’s going to go down.

First, they lower My coffin into the ground.

Slowly, slowly, Very slowly.

Then they throw a shovel Full of dirt onto it.

It’s very symbolic, Very funeral.

Then everyone hears...

♪ you, you take My breath away ♪

♪ oh-oh-oh Good.

♪ love thinks It’s here to stay ♪

♪ oh-oh-oh Nice.

♪ still so much For me to do ♪

♪ and I can’t stop Loving you ♪

♪ oh, can this Be true? ♪

♪ don’t for... Go, go, go!

♪ ...Get me When I’m gone ♪

♪ my heart would break

♪ I have loved you... What?

♪ for so long ♪ ...So long

♪ it’s all I can take ♪ ♪ it’s all I can s...

Okay, good.

Then when Everyone’s all sad,

You finish off with "Life is a highway", okay?

Fuck, I love that song.

I didn’t write "Life is a highway".

What? Tom cochrane wrote "Life is a highway".

Oh, shit.

Okay, well... What else do you do?

"Someday."

All right. Yeah, do that.

Finish off With that, okay?

Okay, once more From the top.

Pick up the pace here, Okay, al?

Dirt...

Closed captioned by Stancon video

♪ don’t forget me When I’m gone ♪

♪ for heaven’s sake

♪ I have loved you for so long

♪ there’s no-othin’ wrong