Original subtitles

It’s been a fine Day of golfery

Here at the fifth annual Fagen & harrison classic.

Sam caponelli approaches The ball, 15 under par,

Attempting to break The course record

With a challenging Dogleg to the left

That finishes In a "Ziggy" mug.

A hush falls Upon the crowd.

The electricity in The air is palpable.

Oh-h-h...

And sam caponelli Comes up short.

Jeez, it’s Cold in here.

You can see Your breath.

What a shot!

Sam caponelli’s Won the "Ziggy" cup!

Oh, yeah, ziggy. It’s nice.

One, two, three, four!

♪ all hail The working man ♪

♪ he’s got the world In his hand ♪

♪ all hail The working man ♪

♪ the work is never done

♪ way-oh, way-oh-oh

♪ way-oh, way-oh-ho

Huh!

♪ I am the working man

♪ through the night Till the morning sun ♪

♪ I am the working man

♪ the work is never done

♪ way-oh, way-oh-oh Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! ♪ way-oh-way

♪ pray for The working man ♪

♪ always there With a helping hand ♪

♪ pray for The working man ♪

♪ the work is never done

♪ all hail The working man ♪

♪ another day Has just begun ♪

♪ all hail The working man ♪

♪ it’s never friggin’ done

I got the balls Of a 30-year-old.

Like, off of e-bay? Nah.

I had a plastic surgeon Tighten my nut sack.

Uh... Wow.

It was like A tube sock

With a couple of Billiard balls Down there.

Well, nobody Wants that.

Mmm. I got a fresh Set of kiwis.

You want to see?

No. I’m good, sir.

Yeah,

But for how long?

Fagen just tried to Show me his balls.

Ugh. I always miss The good stuff.

What are You doing? Doodling.

I find it a nice Stress release.

On graph paper?

No. I’m drawing My own graph paper.

When you’re done with That, can you draw me A piece of foolscap?

Okay, I’ll have you know I am extremely imaginative

And have a very Powerful artistic side.

Oh, yeah? Mmm-hmm.

Okay, then draw Me something.

Like what? Mmm...

Something you can’t Get at staples.

Why are you in My office, sam?

Oh, yeah.

Fagen had surgery On his ballsand he tried To show me them. Men are always talking About their balls.

They’re always Ball-chatting.

I like that. Say that again.Ball-chatting. Why would fagen want To show me his balls?

Because he can.This is his firm. Metaphorically, He’s got the biggest Balls in the building.

Well, I’ve got Big balls.

I don’t walk around Waving them at people.

Sam, your balls don’t Wave, they quiver.

And then they hide.

Say it again. Ball-chatting.

Nice.

I received Confirmation That the funeral Wreath was Successfully Delivered, sir.

Sure.

Funeral wreath? What’s that all about?

His aunt katherine Passed.

Really? Yes. She’s dead.

Aw...

Hey, sam.

Hey, clark.

What can I do For you, sam?

Heard about Your aunt. Mmm.

Were you two close?Well, she took My virginity. Does that Make us close? You fucked Your aunt?

My aunt By marriage.How does that happen? How does somebody Fuck their aunt? Well, my dad accidentally Killed my pet hamster, Monopoly man.

You called Your hamster Monopoly man?

Yeah. So anyway, I couldn’t stop crying,

So he shipped me to The hamptons to visit My uncle frank.

Oh, and that’s where You met your aunt kat?

Yeah. You know, We sat by the pool

And read "Less than zero" Out loud to each other

While sipping Kir royals.

It turned into A torrid summer Of passion.

I can still remember the Taste of chlorine on her...

Okay. I’m good.

Mmm-hmm.

Oh, clark,

Her death must be So hard for you.Yeah, you know, sam, It’s like underneath Your soft douche Bag exterior,

There’s a softer, Douchier interior.

Clark, you’re hurt.

Well, you’re ernie. What?

I think I misheard you.

Just get out Of my office.

Now!

Douche bag.

You, in front.

Yeah.

Sam asked me What I thought Of his balls.

And your question is?

I don’t really Have a question.

Agh!

You dropped Your note pad.

Hmm.

Is... Is this a Picture of a moose

Dr... Driving A race car?

It’s a squirrel!

Oh, yes. Mmm. Sam doesn’t think I’m creative,

So I’m trying to Prove him wrong.

Yes, yes. Oh!

Yeah, that’s A tail.

He wants A picture.

I’ll give him A who-o-ole Children’s book.

Well, I-I think It’s kind of got Some potential.

Um, what are you going to Have mr. Squirrel doing?

I don’t know.

Um...

He could file Depositions.

That’s lame.

Why don’t you Have him represent

All the little animals Of the forest?

Libel lion. Ooh!

Uh... Slanderous snake.

Uh, the tortoise that, Um... Starts, um...

Fires.

You are good At this stuff.

Pathological liars Generally have Good imaginations.

Okay. Grab a seat.

I think I found Myself a ghost writer.

Hey-y,

Big guy. Hey.

I got you A present.

Gimme.

Don’t shake it!It’s alive. Hey, you’re right.

Hmm.

It’s a hamster. Yeah.

His name is Monopoly man. The second.

What the hell’s A grown man supposed To do with a hamster?

Get out.

No. No. No. Leave the hamster.

Nn-nn-nnn.

Close the door.

Hey, buddy.

Oh!

It’s called "The squirrel-arious Adventures

Of mr. Squirrel, The squirrel lawyer."

Who said what now?

You didn’t think I was creative.

So you wrote a whole Children’s book?

Yeah. That’s what Creative people do.

It’s only the First nine pages, But you’ll see:

Robin howland Is creative.

Pass go, Monopoly man.

Yeah. Collect $200.

You warm my Heart, mr. Man.

Ever knock, stan?

Fuck knocking. I own knocking.

I own a shipyard.

This morning, mr. Fagen, In the elevator,

You were trying to Tell me something, Weren’t you?

You’re damn Right I was.

What were we Talking about?

Balls, sir.

And if you were Saying what I think You were saying,

Then I’m here to tell You, I have balls.

Uh... Elephant balls.

It’s amazing what you Can buy in chinatown.No. No, sir, no. I mean, I have the balls To move up in the firm.

I have the balls To make partner.

Is that a fact? Yeah.

Well, what did You do today?

I gave one of our Associates a hamster

And I got another one to Write a children’s book.

What are you, A kindergarten Teacher?

No.

I’m partner material.

And I want the opportunity To prove it to you.

Okay, then hand over The elephant balls

And I’ll think About it.

Sir, there are no Elephant balls.

It was a metaphor. All right.

Then fire someone And I’ll put you On partner track.

What?

I am giving you The authority

To axe anyone In this firm...

Except me.

And the butch broad In accounting.

We need her for The softball team.

Ricky’s a woman?

And this is The boardroom.

See? Yeah.

Hey, robin.

Come here.

What? Just come here.

Why? Come here.

Why? What’s Going on? Shh. Shh.

Shh, shh, shh... Why? I didn’t Say anything.

Look, I’m-I’m... I’m sorry

I’ve-I’ve never Paid enough Attention to you,

Uh! You know? To you.

Y-your eyes are blue And I just noticed that.

Mmm-hmm.

Wow.

And, uh, oh, What’s that, Monopoly man?

He likes you, robin.

Even though You’re dead inside.

What?

Yeah. Get-get the hell Away from me.

What have you done To upset my fair Lady, rapscallion?

Uh! What the hell’s Going on with clark?

Well, I gave him A talisman from His childhood

And it opened His heart.

What are you, Crazy?

We don’t know What’s in there.

I think I saw a rat Crawl out of it.It’s a hamster. Speaking of rodents, Did you read my book?

Yes. And I thought It was surprisingly good.

Yeah, I gave it To my friend owen

To get a Professional opinion.

Who’s owen?

He’s my Rock climbing buddy.

He works in publishing.

You don’t rock climb. You’re afraid of heights.

I only go up Five feet, yeah.

But then I go sideways.

It’s still Rock climbing.

What’s wrong?

Oh, fagen said He’d consider Making me partner

If I fired somebody.

You can’t fire anyone.

I can too.

Okay, I could fire you Right now, missy.

No, you couldn’t.

Yeah, you’re right.

But somebody’s Going to go down.

It’s very Complicated, robin.

A lot of ins, A lot of outs,

A lot of What-have-yous.

You’re going to fire vic.

Pretty much, yeah.

Vic! Hey! You know,

I have some new Ideas for the next Part of the book.

Okay, great. Listen, Sam is going to try And fire you.

He is? Mmm.

Because I Didn’t compliment His testicles?No, I’m only Telling you this Because you’re Helping me With the book.

It’s just a hazing Thing sam does to The first years.

Oh, okay. Well, That sounds like fun.

Just like when I go shark hunting.

That’s how I lost my arm.

It grew back.

Whatever sam does, Don’t fall for it.

Okay.

You wanted to See me, mr. Claxton?

Yes. Oh! Zoltan.

Oh. Please. Hey, hey! Hey!

Hey... Oh! Shh, shh, Shh, shh.

It’s okay. Oh...

Okay, we can sit.

Please sit. Sit.

Okay. Look, Uh, zoltan...

Hey. I hate Immigrants, okay?

So I need you To help me stop Hating them.

And you. Yes. Okay?

Okay? Yes. Like, I Don’t know.

I don’t know. Maybe It’s-it’s racism.

Maybe it’s ’cause You-you smell of, Uh, of hummus or...

Taco sauce.

Maybe... Maybe It’s ’cause I Don’t understand

What the hell You’re saying Half the time.

Actually, those Are all racism.

I-I didn’t know that.

It’s progress. Yeah.It’s progress! Also, I think You’re confusing The smell of taco sauce

With the smell Of this giant Wheel of cheese.

Really?

Oh god, You’re right.

Oh god.

Thank you.

Okay, that’s Enough for today.

Same time tomorrow?

There comes a time In every man’s life

Where he has to Make a choice, vic. Right.

Sometimes life Doesn’t give you That choice.

Sometimes life throws You a curve ball.

I’m a badminton guy.

Okay. Well, then...

Sometimes life Hammers that...

What’s the thing you Play badminton with? Shuttlecock.

Shuttlecock Into your face.

Things happen, man. They just do.

What are you Trying to say?

I’m firing you.

You’re what?

You’re... You’re fired.

I’m sorry.

No, no, no. You know what? No, I’m not sorry.

’cause you just Don’t have the chops.

What do you mean "Chops"? Like... Like mutton?

No. No. Don’t focus On chops, focus on fired.

This has something to do With badminton, doesn’t it?

You don’t like Badminton.

Is it the little racquets?

Is it the word Shuttlecock?

Shuttlecock.

Shuttle-cock.

Why do you keep Saying that?

Maxine.

Clark. Uh, look,

I know I never Said it,

But I’m-I’m Really sorry

That you lost your Booby to cancer.

That was Three years ago.

Shh, shh, Shh, shh.

And I just Need you to know

That I can’t Tell which one’s Fake, okay?

And I’ve tried.

Robin?

Hey. I’m owen, Sam’s rock climbing buddy.

Oh, sam doesn’t Rock climb.

Uh, yeah, mostly he does A horizontal monkey thing. Yeah. Anyway, I was on The tenth floor For a meeting.

I thought I’d pop up.

Oh! Well.

Uh, sam mentioned He sent you my Squirrel book.

Yeah. I have to Admit, you know,

When I first Thought, "A lawyer Book for kids,"

I thought, "That’s... That’s stupid."

Oh. Uh, no, No, no, no.

It totally works.

It’s never been Done before.

No. Except for "Lawyer pigeon",

But that was For tweens.

So you liked it?

I loved it.

It’s very creative. Mmm-hmm.

When my associates And I are done With our meeting,

Why don’t you Come and pitch us The ending?The ending? Yeah. Yeah, I have the ending.

Oh, it’s Fucking awesome. The ancient hawaiians, They used lava to Clean their laundry.

No bleach needed.

Oh! There you are.

Time to finish The book.

Chop chop. Let’s go. Oh, I can’t.

You know, Kaplan and I,

We’re going To montreal.

No. That’s Unacceptable.

I’m pitching it To a publisher In two hours.

Well, mr. Squirrel’s Already crossed The rainbow river.

All he has to do is File the documents In the sharing tree.

But does Mr. Squirrel Do the merger

With the chipmunks Or doesn’t he?

Does he take The beaver public?

I’ve got the balls Of a 30-year-old.

Yeah, I know. You told me This morning.

Did I show Them to you?

Oh. No. No.That was andy. Oh yeah, You’re supposed To fire someone.

How’s that going?

Yeah.

I wanted to talk To you about that.

Doesn’t our firm Tend to, uh, phase People out slowly

Rather than Fire them?

You wussed out, huh?

No. I’m just... Just, you know,

It’s very Complicated.

There’s a lot of Ins, a lot of outs,

A lot of What-have-yous.

So no one? No.

I’m going to make it Easier for you.

Fire claxton.

He’s walking Around the office

Giving everyone The qweebs.

He’s even got a rat In his pocket.

It’s actually A hamster.

No one’s getting Any work done.

He told a client That we over-bill them.

The fucker’s Costing us money.

Fire him!

Fire him?

That’s how a partner Rolls, stan.

Oh...

Ugh, god, this Isn’t very good.

Well, I only Have 20 minutes. How do I fix it?

Uh, you know, robin, I was once like you,

Detached, Morally bankrupt,

An emotional coward, A bad tipper...

Clark! Robin.

Dust off your Heart, okay?

Dare to show them The authentic you.

All right.

No, really!

Hey. Clark,

You’re going To have to snap Out of it, okay? Shh, shh...

This whole Feelings thing’s Pissing people off

And the higher-ups Are starting to notice.

Yeah. I know.

I know, Monopoly man.He seems Like he cares, But he really Just wants everyone To like him.

It’s so sad.

All right.

Time to call in The big guns.

Mr. Claxton, I have a big Problem on my hands.

You know what Your problem is?

You’re a Goddamn loser.

That’s your Fucking problem.

Sorry. I didn’t Mean to... Sorry, sam.

I had to take That call.

My god, old people Are pathetic.

Never have parents.

Anyway, sir, The thing is,

If clark doesn’t Smarten up

I’m going to Have to fire him

And I can’t Do that.

Why? Haven’t Got the balls?

Can we just Keep my balls out Of this, please?

By the way,

I heard fagen had his Nut sack tightened.

Any idea who he used?

How the hell Should I know?

I’m about to fire Your son here.

Pfft. Easy-peasy.

Tell you what, Give me a number Between 1 and 500.

Uh... 357.

Yeah. It’s claxton.

Uh, give me Extension... 357.

Yeah, who’s this?

Montgomery? You’re fired.

Not that I’m Not impressed,

But we are talking About your son here.

Yeah, so what? He’ll come and Work for me.You wouldn’t Want him. He’s walking around All touchy-feely.

It’s not good. Oh, no!

Good god, he’s Not all weepy

And talking about His feeling, is he?Don’t you Mean "Feelings"? No, no, no. Not if you’re talking About a claxton. You get One and it’s usually rage.

Unfortunately, he Got the pussy gene

From his uncle galen On his mother’s side.

So what do you Think we should do?

Well, this did Happen once before,

After I ran over His grandmother With a golf cart.

We just have to hit His reset button.

Come on. Let’s go Find the sissy.

We really appreciate You doing this, robin.

Especially on Such short notice.

We’re just Really excited.

And I’m just As excited.

Okay. Well, when we Last left mr. Squirrel

He was about to Cross rainbow river To the sharing tree.

What happens next?

Well, before Mr. Squirrel would let Anyone cross the river

He made sure they All signed waivers.

But the language of The waivers was rife With ambiguity.

Oh, good christ, What a mess.

...And it’s not going To get better. Hey, son.

How the hell Are you?

Dad.

What are you Doing here?

Well, I heard you Were about to cry Yourself out of a job.

What’s your problem?

You killed Monopoly man.

That’s my problem.

And then you got To go and fuck Your aunt kat.

I was 13!

You’re welcome!

Dad... Monopoly man meant A lot to me, okay?

He was My best friend.

And I explained That I thought He was a rat

And I wet-vac’d him.

Again, what’s The problem?

It traumatized The hell out of me!

For god’s sakes.

Well, I’m going to Fix that right now, Clarkie. Come here.

Give your old man A big hug. No!

Come on! Give me A big hug. Come on. What? No!

Oh... Oh god! Come on.

Fight the love. I...

Fight the love, Clarkie!Fight it! Fight it as hard As you can.

Monopoly man!

Oh god!

You killed Monopoly man!

Looks like it.

Again!

Hey, I just saw Your aunt sheila At the funeral.

She got new boobies.

Drive you over there? Have a looky lou?

Ahhh!

Clarkie!

And so, rick The rabbit knew

That though He’d never walk again,

The settlement Would be ample.

And when the Squirrel lawyer... Great.

Great. That... That’s great.

No. No. There’s more. No, no. No. No.

You’ve given us, uh, Plenty to think about there.

There’s lots... Lots of stuff there.

Oh, so what Do you think?

There’s lots Of stuff there.

I mean, uh, really.

Really?

It sucked!Huh? I mean, tell her, owen. Put her out of her Fucking misery.

Listen, man, I’m just trying to Get us out of here.

So... So it Needs some work?

No, it sucks.

Who quotes constitutional Amendments in a kid’s book?

Yeah, you put Her to sleep.

And she takes Her kid’s ritalin.

It-it could be A bedtime story.

It could be A bedtime story.

What the hell? Wake up!

I thought you Didn’t knock, kid.

Oh, yeah. I...

Why does it always Go this way?

Couldn’t it Go that way?

Anyway... You couldn’t fire Claxton, could you?

Uh... Well, see, That’s the thing, sir.

He’s not, uh, bugging People anymore, so...

You’re a wuss, kid.

I’m not a wuss, sir.

Yeah, you are.

But it’s okay.

Stan, balls come With a price.

You don’t want to be An asshole like me.

It’s nothing but Pain and loneliness.

Aw... Really?

Hold this.

Hah!

Got to go. Jet’s waiting.

I’m flying to France for some Pain au chocolat.

They give me gas Something fierce,

But my mistress Loves them.

Arrivederci.

Bye.

You know, this Cryogenic freezing

Was a very creative Idea, robin.

Don’t worry, Clark.

You know, one day We’ll have the technology

To reanimate Monopoly man

And you two will be Together again.

Like I could Give a shit.

I’m just playing along to See if zoltan will eat him.

Hmm. Hmm.

Would anyone like To say final words?

Yeah, I would.

Shut the fuck up.

Ooh.

Aw. Aw... Clark’s back.

Oh. Egh.

Clark sr.: My god.

Dr. Leiberman Is a genius.

Good work, huh?

Oh, he’s An artist. Uh-huh.

Artist. Yeah.

Tight as plums.

I can swim Like a dolphin.

Yeah. No drag, huh?

Mind if I feel them?

Go right ahead.

Well, the symmetry Is perfect.

Perfect.

If you don’t mind My asking, how much?

Hey, don’t be tacky.

One, two, three, four!

Closed captioned by Stancon video

♪ way-oh way-oh-oh

Huh!

♪ way-oh way-oh-oh

♪ way-oh-way