Original subtitles

Coffee?

Hello, my poor Compadres.

Coffee today Is on this guy

Because I just made A whole wad of cash.

Oh! You still Doing those Human drug tests?

I’m telling you, Man, that’s why Your piss is blue.

My piss is blue Because of all the Blue freezies I eat.

Anyway, I just got a Hot online stock tip.

Uh, it’s a spam Scam, dweebus.No, it’s not. I checked it out. It’s totally legit.

It’s a scammo, Sammo.

Just like the Penis pills and The cheap viagra.

But some fat kid in Nebraska’s laughing All the way to the bank

With your personal Information.

Excuse me.

Sam caponelli?

Yeah, that’s me.

Hey, brother. Hah! It’s me, okan asandido.

Hey, okan!

What is going on?

Oh, my god, It’s so great to Finally meet you.

Yes.

Okan works for The nigerian Financial trust.

We’ve been emailing Each other for weeks.

Yes. Hello.Sam: What’s up? My good friend, Your personal Information

And small cash Advance has Allowed us

To acquire The estate of The deceased

Lost in the account In the nigeria Financial trust.

Your share, Ten million.

Oh really?

God has smiled Upon us, brother.

Maybe I should order Those penis pills.

Wait! How much is That in our money?

It is...

- $37. - awesome! Listen, coffee’s On me everybody. Let’s go!

One, two, three, four!

♪ all hail The working man ♪

♪ he’s got the world In his hand ♪

♪ all hail The working man ♪

♪ the work is never done

♪ way-oh, way-oh-oh

♪ way-oh, way-oh-ho

Huh!

♪ I am the working man

♪ through the night Till the morning sun ♪

♪ I am the working man

♪ the work is never done

♪ way-oh, way-oh-oh Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! ♪ way-oh-way

♪ pray for The working man ♪

♪ always there With a helping hand ♪

♪ pray for The working man ♪

♪ the work is never done

♪ all hail The working man ♪

♪ another day Has just begun ♪

♪ all hail The working man ♪

♪ it’s never friggin’ done

Guess what time It is, clark? I just finished Masturbating in The bathroom time?

Oh, please tell Me you’re joking.

If that’s What you need.

Oh, and what do You want, you Little glidget?

Oh... Glidget?

Wow! I had Goblin and midget

All tangled Up in there.

Well, you made it work

And that’s What’s important.Guess what time It is, sam? I don’t know. Clark just finished Masturbating in The bathroom time?

Okay. We know each Other so well.

Mmm. Ew! Other hand.

Yeah.

Yes, you’re both revolting.

It’s peer review time!

It’s the most wonderful Time of the year, Clarkie!Okay, you’re Just jealous Because I get a kick-ass Score every year.

The only reason we give You such a good score

Is because we all Know you freak out If you don’t get one.Wh... Wow! I thought we agreed To never open that box.

Well, it’s been how long? I can’t open that box?

Whoa. Whoa. Is This true, clark?

Uh... I want to Talk to a lawyer.

Sam? Clark.

Robin, we’re friends, All of us here.

We can be honest With each other.

Nobody gives a shit about That stuff, seriously.

You do.

I do not and I never have.

So you’re saying you Wouldn’t care if you knew

You didn’t get An honest peer review?

I wouldn’t care If I didn’t get a Peer review at all.I don’t buy it. Listen, this year I want You guys to be honest.

I can take it.

In fact, I order You to be honest,

Under penalty of death.

Whatever you say, Bossy-boots.

Hmph!

Clark claxton’s A sadistic, misogynist pig

With very few Redeeming qualities.

Um, among those Redeeming qualities

Is his ability to make People weep uncontrollably

And his hatred Of swedes.

Robin howland? Okay.

Uh, robin, also known As ursus maritimus,

Is a large mammal Native to the north.

An apex predator, Robin’s thick blubber

Insulates her From the cold,

While her translucent fur,

Which appears white Or cream-coloured,

Camouflages her From her prey.

She hunts well on Land or on sea ice

Where she’s a formidable Seal stalker. Yeah.

I give her a, hmm... 75.

No, 80. I’m feeling Generous today.

Hey, I got A new job, sam.

Oh vic, that’s Too bad.

I was just starting To get used to you.No. No. No. I mean, here.

Kaplan made me Deputy floor security Monitor under murray.Oh, wow! Yeah. We’re putting together An emergency preparedness Plan for the floor.

That’s... Wow!

He gave me The assignment

Because I used to Be a mossad agent.

See, I can’t Tell what part Of that’s a lie.

You ever see "Munich"? Yeah.

It’s based on me. Oh, that part.

Got my peer Review. 77.

Yeah, didn’t Even study.

Lucky pierre, This is ramrod.

Are you reading Me? Over.

Loud and Clear.

Let’s go, Vic.

We got a 10 dash...

Slash three in... The alpha sector.

What’s that?

I’ll explain when We get there.

You know, they’re Kind of like us.

Only retarded.

80%?

That’s what you Gave me? 80%?

Oh, relax.

It’s still A great score.

Uh, it’s Barely an "A".

It’s actually An "A-minus".

And isn’t it supposed To be a-nonymous?

Okay, like I’m not Going to check Who gave me an 80.

You dropped my Average three Whole points.To 90. Look, princess, You asked for An honest review

And that’s what You got. So shut Your mouth.

I asked for Constructive Criticism

Not character Assassination, ass.

Hey, you know what Clark said about me?

He said I was Uncreative.Can you believe that? I wouldn’t have said That. I would have Said non-creative.

Ah. Hey, do you Know any reason

Why I wouldn’t Have received My review yet?

Oh, you haven’t gotten Your peer review?

No. Oh. That Can’t be good.

Neither’s An "A-minus".

So close to Perfection, yet Ultimately lacking.

I’m going to go Find my review.

Well, he’s not Going to find it. Hmm?

I took his name Off the list.

Sneaky, sneaky, Naughty, cheeky.

You know, I give that Effort an "A-minus".

Okay, that’s it. I’ve had it with you.

You know what This means, claxton?

You won’t talk to me For half an hour,

Forget you weren’t Talking to me, Then give up?

No. Not this time. It’s on.

Bring it, girlfriend.

Hey, I also told Them you have no Sense of humour.

Ha ha ha. ’cause She’s not funny.

Okay, here’s the thing About clark claxton.

When I had my mastectomy

All I got were Sympathy cards,

Tearful smiles And people

Afraid to look Me in the tits.

Clark walked Right up to them,

Gave them a squeeze And guessed left.

Huh. He was wrong.

I felt great.

Hey, hey, Maxine!

What do you want, Gandolfini? It’s caponelli.

How long have we Worked together?

Oh yeah? What’s My last name? Good point.

Listen, uh, I Was wondering...

Did you forget To tell me when my Review is, because...

Review.

Uh...

Oh. You’re Not on here.Really? Is That bad? Well, sometimes Not being on the Review schedule

Is an early sign Of being phased out.

What do you mean? Like, fired?

No. We don’t fire People here, sam.

We just make it As unrewarding As possible

For them to stay.

And eventually They leave,

Broken-willed and Emotionally destroyed.

Oh my god! Mm-hmm. I got to talk To kaplan.O-oh, I wouldn’t Do that. I would just enjoy Your next few months Of phase-out pay.

You talk to kaplan, You’re out on your Ass today, baby.

So where am I Putting this thing?

Put the emergency Water on the desk.

We need to make sure That every employee

Is within 30 feet Of water.Are you kidding me? You think this Is about blackouts And earthquakes?

Sure. Wrong!

With a capital wrong!

It’s about Terrorists, vic!

9/11, Oklahoma city, Uh, chernobyl.

Ah, chernobyl Wasn’t a... Yeah, yeah, Yeah, yeah.

That’s what they Want you to believe.

Check this out.

E-bay.

Okay, so you are Going to tase The terrorists

When they try to Fly their plane Into a building?

You think you know What’s doing, buddy?

Well, you’re Fucking wrong.

No, I’m just kidding. Just kidding.

I had you going Though, uh?

Yes, you did. You made me Feel... Angry.

I did it for a Reason, numb-nuts.

You need some serious Field training.So what I’m Going to do Is I’m going to commit A crime on this floor

And it’s your job To apprehend me, Mm-hmm.

Interrogate me, Mm-hmm.

And electrocute My genitals.

Nah, I’m just kidding. I’m just kidding.

So when do you Want to do this?

You won’t know when. You won’t know how.

But when it happens, You’ll know.

So I will Know... When.

Just... Just keep Your eyes open for a Laser pointer, okay?

Okay.

Copy, murray.

Over and out.

It’s over.

Oh! You met Someone else?

What about Our weekend in The hamptons?

No. I’m being Phased out, man.

I’m as good As gone.

What? The review thing?

I gave this firm Four years of My life, clark,

And now it’s My fate to Be ignored

Until I crawl away Of my own accord.

Hmm. Reminds me Of my childhood.

I’m a damn Fine lawyer.

Yeah. What the fuck’s This place coming to?

I gave these People my blood.

Yeah.You know what? I don’t think you Realize the gift you’ve Been given here, sam.

I mean, now’s Your chance to walk Around the firm

Doing whatever The hell you want

Till you’re out On your ass.

You know what? You’re right.

They’re going to get Rid of me anyway.

This is My chance to be...

Fagen!

Yes.

Oh, you don’t want To touch that.

Who are you and What have you done With the real robin?

I baked these.

Consider them An apology

For not taking your Constructive criticism Constructively.

So they’re Apology muffins?

Chock full of remorse. And walnuts.

Mea culpa.

Hmm. I’m allergic To remorse.

So what are you Thinking? Ex-lax?

I’m thinking Elephant tranquilliser.

Well, then hold On a second.

I’m going to Keep those for The weekend.Foolish robin. Now I’m going to have To teach her a lesson. Tsk. Poor kid.

Did you stop my Photocopying job?

Had to.

It was An emergency.What? The wexler file? No. Yesterday’s "Family circus" cartoon.

Okay, check out This kid, jeffy.

You see those Dotted lines?

That’s everywhere He’s been.

He even went into The dog house.

Are you Shitting me?

No, I’m serious. He Went right in there.

That’s not what I mean, jackass.

I gotta be Me, baby.

I mean, what does It matter anyway

If I’m being Phased out?

Maxine has been my assistant For 42 years.

We didn’t get along For the first 30.

Then I had my hip surgery,

Then I built My house in florida.

That’s where I keep my dog.

Mr. Fagen?

Well, he likes to Hum when he pees.

Yeah. Um...

Mostly show tunes, you Kander and ebb.

Sometimes some r&b Like bell biv devoe.

Uh, but the problem Is when he does the Country & western stuff

’cause he, uh, you Know, he starts to Line dance a little

And you’ve got to Remind him to focus.

But it’s fine.

I mean, the firm Will dry clean Your pants for you,

But it kind of puts You off garth brooks.

So, as you can see, he Climbed over the fence,

Through the backyard, ’round the fire hydrant

Three, no, four Times, then right Into the dog house.

Are you fucking serious?

No. He went right in There just like a dog.

Huh, you’re fucking Dead, old man.

Okay, buddy.

Oh, okay, Good work, vic.

See, you knew I’d go For the top dog first.

I like the way You think.

What the hell Are you doing?Hey, minus. I’m just retaliating For what you put In my muffins.

What? You don’t Like boysenberry?Come on, howland. What? I’m not some Crazy sick person

That would Spend all night

Baking oxycontin Into muffins.

You know, and I’m a little Disappointed

That you couldn’t Come up with a Better retaliation

Than gluing stuff Down on my desk.

I had a bit of Prankster block. Fuck off.

You want to finish Off for me?

Sure. It’s fun.

Hey, robin, you want To go downstairs To chez yuri’s,

Have a three- Hour lunch?

I’m going to max Out my company Credit card.

What? Oh, yeah, The peer review thing.

Um, yeah, sure. Why not?

Okay.

I just need a minute.

You’re stuck To that chair, Aren’t you?

Hmm?Let me get This straight. Clark glued down All that stuff To your desk

And still you sat Down on your chair.

Well, it’s a little More complicated Than that, sam.

Yeah. I did.

It wasn’t me.

But, the laser. The laser...

Vic, how are you Supposed to get Anything out of me

If you don’t Tie me up?

But the, uh, geneva Convention, huh?

The geneva convention Can go shave her pussy.

Yeah, there you go.

All right, There she comes.

All right, so. Answer me this!

Did you or Did you not...

Can you put your legs Together, please? Yes.

Steal mary’s Highlighter?

I have no idea what You’re talking about.

I’m talking About this.

Hey, well, I had... I thought this had To do with me

And the laser pointer.

Oh, so you admit it!

Okay.

You see, That’s some good Interrogation tactics.You’re like The good cop And the bad cop. That... That’s good.

No, I’m just The bad cop.

Huh?

Yeah. No, It sounds good.Look, I’m running Late here. I’ll have the deal Memo ready for you By the weekend.

Okay? Bye.

You wouldn’t believe how Hard it was to put that in.

Hah!

Oh, yeah. No, Clark’s super-nice.

I was in the lounge

Doing my arsenio hall Impersonation

And, I don’t know, For some reason,

I was bombing that day.

You know, like no one Was feeling it.

And then clark comes in,

He’s all, "Shut The fuck up, murray."

Oh, the place went wild.

Everyone was laughing Their butts off.

Oh, he saved My ass on that one.

Hmm, hmm, does it "Hmm?"

I thought they were My friends, vic.

I guess that’s Why they say

You don’t Mix friends And business.

Yeah. Don’t worry.

I’m going to have The last laugh.

Look, I don’t Want to have To write you up

But you should Really put Some shoes on.

I’m better Than them.

Nobody’s better Than shoes.

And I’m thirsty.

Mad thirsty.

Out the way!

So, where do you Hide the money?

A lot of people are Saying, "Virgin islands. Virgin islands."

I say, "Fuck the virgins." It’s belize, people.

I say, "Believe In belize!"

Excuse me. I wanna...

I just want to get...

Sammy loves His sodie pop.

Sorry.

You think we Should tell him

He’s not getting Axed? He’s pretty Out there.

No, he’ll be fine.

The little guy’s just Having a good time.

And I can’t wait To see what he’s Going to do next.

Howland, you’re up.

Of course, sir.

So, if you look at The indemnity language In section three,

You’ll see that, Whereas the...

What the hell’s Going on here?

I’m sorry, sir.

Clark, can I see you Outside for a moment?

Me? Mm-hmm.

Um, can it wait, robin?

I think we’re all pretty Keen to hear more

About your indemnity Language.

Oh, you’re going To hear about it.

Excuse me just One second, okay?

Yeah, that’s too bad.

Oh hey, millie.

Um, can you do Me a favour?

Just walk into My office for me.

You want me to walk Into your office, sir?

Yeah, if you Don’t mind.

No, sir.

Will there be Anything else, sir?

Nah.

Oh, hey.

Mmm. Hey.

Your little "Waterworld" gag Didn’t work.

Hmm, still think I’m un-creative?

Well, you have Been thinking Outside the bun.

Thank you. Now it’s time For a truce.

Really? Mm-hmm.

Okay. These Are my terms.

When we speak of This in the future,

I want it on The record that I bested you.

Dream on.

If there’s A winner, it’s me.

Hah-hah... Pfft.

What the hell are you Doing walking around Like howard hughes?

What, do you want A freezie? Go ahead.

Excuse me?

The freezies are For everybody.

Oh. Well, I’ll get Myself a blue one.

Blue’s my favourite. You can’t have Any blue ones.

Keep your grubby Hands off them.

You cruisin’ for a Bruisin’, caponelli?

O-oh.

Oh, I’m scared.

What are you going To do? What are You going to do?

You going to fire Me? Oh no, wait! You can’t do that

Because we don’t fire People here, right?

We phase them out.

Why don’t you be A man and fire Me to my face?

Okay.

You’re fired!

See? Was That so hard?

No.

Oh my god.

I didn’t see That coming.

Me neither.

I think I Saw his balls.

I can’t believe I lost The only job I ever had.

Except my uncle’s Fish farm.

Hey, clark.

Maybe you could Get me an interview

At your dad’s Company.

Mm, they don’t have A lollipop guild.

Oh. How did he keep These brussels Sprouts frozen?

So you had nothing To do with this?

Clark, we just saw Kaplan fire him.

I think things May have gotten a Little out of hand.

Oh hey, clark.

Stole this from you.

I’m very sorry.

Oh, I stole This from that Crippled guy in hr.

You stole that From louie?

Yeah. I’m Not sorry.

That guy’s Faking it.

He was hurt In the war.

Clark, he just gave You his handicapped Parking pass.

I know. If this Is your prank, You’re a master.

Oh, I wish I could Take credit for this.

But you’re the one Who told him he Was being firedand that he should Act like a jackass. Yeah, after you Took his name off The peer review list

And got him All paranoid.

Ooh, robin.

Stole all these Lipsticks from you.

I was trying Something.

Didn’t work.

Um, sam?

Yeah?

We have something To tell you.

Oh, I’ve got to pee.

Who told you to drink Seven root beers?

You did.

Then you made me stay In here for an hour.

Oh, it hurts So good.

Why did you steal Mary’s highlighter?

It was part of Your training.

We both know that The laser pointer Was my training!

Yeah? Well, we both Know I outrank you.

But you don’t Outrank justice!

The guyanese chick from The secretarial pool?

Sure, I do.

No. That’s just-eese.

Time for some bad Cop, motherfucker!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

I can’t believe You guys would Do this to me.

You’re supposed To be my friends.

We’re sorry. We’re really sorry.

Whoa, whoa. I’m sorry, not Really sorry.

I’m just sorry.

I lost my fucking Job! Okay?

The only job I...

We know! We know! The fish farm.

I’m sure you’ll Be able to get Your job back

Once you explain What happened.

Oh, yeah!

Are you still here?

I told you to get The hell out.

Yeah, I heard you The first time.

Just give me a Fuckin’ minute!

Okay, now let’s not Have a situation Here, caponelli.

You brought this On yourself. Oh, yeah.

You want to go, Little man?

Oh, little man. I’m ready! I am ready!

Oh yeah, who are You, yao ming?

I can’t believe your Stupid, fucking, Lame-ass pranks

Cost me my job!

Hah-hah!

No, no, no. Come on. Take it Easy, caponelli.

I will not Take it easy.

This is injust.

Unjust.

Unjust!

Hey! My nudie pen.

You didn’t Give that back.

Get out now, Caponelli.

You know, I just Called security.Excuse me, sir. I need you to Sign these massage Chair invoices.

All right! Nobody move

Or the princess gets It in the temple.Oh, my god! It’s one of those Automatic, high- Powered staplers.

I’m the one calling The shots now.

Don’t try to Save me, sir.

Not a concern, Millie.

Out of my way! Out of my way!

Could you press Down, please?

Sam, come On, stop.

We can fix Everything.

No. We’re getting Out of here

And you can’t Stop us.

If he wants to Keep his job, why Is he leaving?

There’s no questioning The logic of a madman.

Yeah! I’m crazy!

Sam!

Gotcha! What?

Hah, we got You two.

See, sam and I Are in cahoots.

Hey, caponelli, When did you get Vic involved?

Involved in what?

I am the best Prankster ever.

Oh yeah. You’re The king.

The king just Wet himself.

Oh, it burns.

Come on, baby. Let’s Get out of here.

My god.

You’re trapped, Aren’t you?

I’m afraid So, sir.

What is it?

One of those Force fields?

Sure. Why not?

Goddamn aliens.

Yeah. I put a call In to zoltan.

Is that where They’re from?

I never heard Of that planet.

But, don’t worry, we’ll Get you out of there.

Unless...

I’m the one trapped In the force field.

Could be, sir.

It’s ’52 all Over again!

But this time, I’m ready for you...

You little grey Cocksuckers.

Mortie’s doing The probing now!

Maybe this is For the best.

I’m safer here.

One, two, three, four!

Closed captioned by Stancon video

♪ way-oh, way-oh-oh

♪ way-oh, way-oh-ho

Huh!

♪ way-oh, way-oh-oh Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! ♪ way-oh-way