Original subtitles

Ah, yes.

Rembrandt Would be proud.

Men and their penises.

You never see women Drawing vaginas.

Yeah, because They’re hard to draw.

Even harder to Colour. You know?

Mmm. Here, let me Finish this for you.

Fah...

Fag.

Oh, fage...

Fagen. Yeah.

Why write fagen?

Oh, you know, Because he just got Off the elevator.

Better wipe That off, buddy.

Oh, my god.

It’s not coming off.

Yes, because it’s A permanent marker.

You got about Ten seconds. He’s in the foyer.

Oh.

No, he’s at The reception desk.

And...

That supposed To be me, stan?

Ah-ha. Yeah. Huh.

I am a bit Of a dandy.

One, two, three, four!

♪ all hail The working man ♪

♪ he’s got the world In his hand ♪

♪ all hail The working man ♪

♪ the work is never done

♪ way-oh, way-oh-oh

♪ way-oh, way-oh-ho

Huh!

♪ I am the working man

♪ through the night Till the morning sun ♪

♪ I am the working man

♪ the work is never done

♪ way-oh, way-oh-oh Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! ♪ way-oh-way

♪ pray for The working man ♪

♪ always there With a helping hand ♪

♪ pray for The working man ♪

♪ the work is never done

♪ all hail The working man ♪

♪ another day Has just begun ♪

♪ all hail The working man ♪

♪ it’s never friggin’ done

So the guy’s standing There, now, right,

And he’s looking confused, And rightly so.

And then I say, Wait for it...

Oh, god, let me Get it right.

Uh... Oh!

And then I go, "What?

I thought He was a midget!"

I thought he was a midget.

Like a... Like a little person.

Boy, that was A doozy, sam,

But I think The lawyers from Elliott pound

Need to get back To work now.

But...

The, uh, small boardroom’s Down the hall on the left?

Yeah.

Okay. I didn’t Understand that.That story Always kills. Yeah, that’s because Listening to it Is fucking murder.

Whatever.

Robin, I’m going To go downstairs

And get a coffee. Are you game?

No. Really?

They have this New acorn latte

That you’d think Would be awful,

But it’s passably Mediocre.

Yeah. No. Can’t. Got a thing.

What kind of thing?

Just a thing-thing.

Oh, just a thing-thing Thing?

Just a none-of-your- Fucking-business thing.

Oh. Is it lady stuff?

Uh... Sure.

Can I come?Excuse me. Hey, vic. Something’s Up with robin.

Follow her. Follow her?

Yeah. Okay.

Hey, robin! Wait up.

I thought he was a midget.

So the guy’s standing There, looking like Leftovers,

And he’s a little Confused, right?

So I turn to him And I say, "What?

I thought he Was a midget."

Son of a bitch, That’s my story.

All right. Back to Work. Back to work.

Hey, hold up, man.

Yeah?

You know, I Liked your shit This morning,

Back there In the lounge?

With... With The midget?

That was some Funny stuff, man.

Really? I Thought it bombed.

Bombed?

Huh, you mean It was the bomb.

Huh. Okay.

Can you believe I just saw Clark in there,

Telling my story As if it was his?

Mm-hmm.

Once again, the man Steals from us

And claims his Ill-gotten gains

As his own, Like "Monopoly".

"Monopoly"?

"Monopoly" was Invented by A black man

And the parker brothers Covered that shit up.

That’s not true.

And don’t even Get me started

On milton Fucking bradley.

You know, Your so-called Friend clark

Thinks it’s okay To swipe your story

Because you’re Not white, chico.

I’m not?

Mexicans ain’t white.

Oh...

Listen, you Stick with me

And I’ll open your Eyes to all sorts Of nefarious shit.

She actually got off On the 24th floor

And tried To shake me.

Then she took The stairs down.

She’s a crafty Little monkey.

Yeah, and then She blew her nose

And got a drink.

Then she turned Herself into A puddle of water.

Then, that’s when Things started to Get interesting.

Vic...

Sorry. But I do have Something to show you.

Right down the hall.

Hello.

My name is robin And I’m an alcoholic.

Welcome, robin.

I first started Drinking when I was six.

Just the little Liquor bottles

The tourists would throw From passing trains.

Most of the bottles Would be half empty,

But some of them Would be half full,

If you know what I mean.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I don’t know much About lying, sam,

But what little I do know,

I’d say she is.

Hmm.

Hey, maxine.

I heard your story.

I nearly peed myself.

Oh, yeah? How close?

Uh-heh, none of Your damned business.

Well, you better Get your bladder Good and empty,

Because I’m going to Be telling it again.

I’ll make sure I find A seat near the can.

Now I’m a little Grossed out.

Really? No.

I didn’t think so. Yeah.

Get out of here.

Oh, hi, robin.

Oh, hey. You Want to get that Acorn latte now?

Oh, I can’t.

I’m hanging out with My new friend, steve.

He’s one of The lawyers From elliott’s.

The black one?

Is he? Oh, I didn’t notice.

Huh. Anyway, I was Down on 23rd.

I passed a room where I was noticing you

Confessing A little alcoholism.

Oh, shit.

Fucking drunks always Leave the door open.

Robin, you Didn’t tell me you Were going to aa.

I’m doing it for The networking Opportunities, okay?

Scamming Alcoholics.

You’re like A casino.

Okay. You keep Your little snout Out of my trough.

This is my scam.

So far, I’ve got A new accountant,

A personal trainer,

And I am Working kaplan

Like a whore at A dental convention.

Wow. Yeah.

You’re pretty smart For a useless drunk.

Oh.

Well, that’s The kind of support

I need to stay On the wagon. Yeah.

So then I tell Him, "What?

I thought it Was a midget."

Stop laughing, right now.That’s not Clark’s story. That’s my story, From my life, And he stole it.

Why do you Hate laughter?

Sam, sam, sam.

What’s it like Being so petty?

It’s fine. Stop Telling my story.

Why? So you can put More people to sleep

With your version of it?

It’s my story, Clark. My story.

Hmm. Well, I Tell it better,

And people laugh When I tell it.

Am I right?

Cha-ching.

You’re just like Those parker brothers.

What the fuck is He talking about?

I don’t know. Huh?

I’ve had it up To here with him.

Howland, I need To talk to you.

Yes, sir.

I won’t beat Around the bush.

Something tragic Happened this Past weekend.

My aa sponsor died.

Liver failure?

Hot air balloon Accident.

My second guess.

Robin, I’ve always Thought of you

As someone that I could count on.

Someone who Was reliable.

So, I want you to Be my new sponsor.

I’m not sure, sir.

You know, Combining work with Co-dependencies...

I know it’s A lot to ask.

It is a lot to ask

And it’s a huge Responsibility.

Okay. Caution to the wind.

I’ll do it. Oh, thank you, robin!

You’re a life-saver.

Oh, this is Going to be great.

Uh, you bet. You bet. Oh.

Oh... All right.

Oh!

Man, I love steve.

You’ve only Known him a day.

You love him Because he’s black.

No!

I love him because He’s a crusader for Visible minorities.

He’s helping Guys like me get Wise to the man.

Uh, did you just Identify yourself

As a visible Minority?Steve thinks I am. He thinks italians Are a visible minority?

Steve thinks I’m a mexican.

You’re not mexican!

You’re not An alcoholic.

Oh, guess what? Hmm?

Kaplan made me His sponsor.

And then he gave me The hepsler file.

And then he bought A new lexus.

Don’t know if That’s part of this.

You’re kaplan’s Sponsor?

Yeah.

You know this Isn’t going to End well, right?

Yes, and I imagine Your mexicano Blaxploitation

Is going to go Gangbusters.

I got to go google How to be a lush.

Clarkie! Yeah?You know that story You’ve been telling Around the office, The midget one?

Know it? I lived it.

I’d like you to Dazzle some clients With it today.

Sure. Get ready For the ride of Your life, sir.

Wonderful. So, tell me this.

Is it a midget Or a dwarf,

And where do Jockeys fit Into all this?

I’m not sure, sir.

Oh. Bring That midget Around sometime.

I want to see if I can still lift one.

Robin, I was walking Through the food court

And I saw this woman Drop her sandwich

And I knew right away It was a reuben.

Right, right. Yeah. People are such slobs.

My mother always Ate reubens.

I-I know That I wasn’t A very good son,

But I loved her, And it just makes me

Want to taste that Peach schnapps

Washing down My gullet One more time.

Peach schnapps?

Robin?

I need you to put On your sponsor Hat right now.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Um, I think that You should...

Write your Mother a letter.

She died in ’94.

Right. Yeah. Um...

Okay, well, it’s Not like that.

A it’s like a, You know, catharsis.

Catharsis, yeah. And revisit step two.

No. Step four.

Ah, make it two.

Two. Do two, twice.

Oh! I never Thought of that.

Thank you, robin.

Ah!

You’re not ready For hugging.

Right! Walk Before you run. Yes.

Baby steps. Yes. Baby steps.

Okay, thanks!

He just keeps telling it Over and over again.

And it’s my Goddamn story.

I had a pair of Red boots once

That someone took.

What?

I was seven. I’d taken them off

And placed them Neatly by the door As I was told.

After my violin lesson,

I returned to Find them gone.

I have no idea what You’re talking about.

Well, it’s Simple, really.

I had to walk home In my socks.

And on the way, I saw one Charles von noviembre

Walking in my boots.

He’d taken my boots, Just like you took Clark’s story.

It’s my story, Not clark’s.

This is exactly What I told charles.

Yelled at him Through the rain storm,

I said, "Charlie, Those are my boots,

And you know it!"

But it was All for naught. How so?

As he was thumbing His nose at me,

He slipped and Fell into traffic.That’s what you get For stealing boots Two sizes too big. Well...

The police took The boots in As evidence,

Haven’t seen Them since.

But still, I Feel somehow...

Vindicated.

Wow. That’s, um...

Thanks for the chat.

Any time, samuel.

Any time at all.

So, I turn to him And I say, "What?

I thought he was A midget."

I know.

Cha-ching.

Thanks, folks. You’ve been great.

That’s my time.

Let’s have A big hand for Clark claxton.

Thank you.

Uh, hey, sam.

Steve. What’s Happenin’?

Oh, you Know, man.

This deal we’re Working on

Is just making Us real tense.

So me and My colleagues

Were hoping You’d swing by

And tell us some Stories and shit.

Yeah. I’d love to.

Okay, but There’s something Kind of touchy

I gotta ask you About first.

Okay. Uh...

One of the reasons We all found your Story so funny

Was because you got The whole barrio Vibe going, man.

I do? Yeah.

You don’t mind Playing it up A little, do you?

It’s just My friends Are so full on

With that chicano Shit, you know?

I mean, I’ll Understand if I’m Crossing a line here.

Oh, no, no. You’re Not crossing a line.

I’ll put it on.

You sure you’re Cool with this?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Check it out. Check it out.

I’m down with That shit, pendejo.

Thanks, dawg.

I used to pour Vodka into my soup.

I’d pour that devil Juice into anything And everything.

Ketchup bottles, Watermelons,

Yoghurt, Hardboiled eggs.

If you could get Booze into it, I’d do it.

When did you hit Rock bottom?

You have hit rock Bottom, haven’t you?

I started Dreaming my mother

Was breastfeeding Me white russians,

And I wasn’t Even a baby.

Oh, god, I’ve Never told anybody That before.

At least not While I was sober.

Oh, thank god For you, robin.

Thank god!

Hold me!

I’ve got soup.

Ple-ease!

What’s so great In your life to Warrant whistling?

I stole sam’s Stupid midget story,

Added some of The patented Claxton magic,

Now I’m a fucking Rock star.

Mmm. Hey, what’s With you?

Ah, it’s a long, Convoluted story.

But suffice To say, I’m now Kaplan’s aa sponsor.

Ah, I like The punchline.

Oh, the guy’s Such a goddamn Basket case.

He called me At midnight

Because he saw "Arthur ii: On the rocks" In a dvd bin,

Said it took all His strength to not Fall off the wagon.

God, he is An alcoholic.

Everyone knows That that’s An inferior sequel.

Ugh. All his Emotional crapulence

Just makes me Want to get loaded.

Hey, why don’t you?

You know, that’s A great idea. Yeah.

Yeah, I can’t be His sponsor if he Sees me drinking.

Heh! Get on it.

Hey.

Hey, uh, you want to Hear a funny story?

It’s not the one About the midget Again, is it?

Ah...

You are one Cool hombre, man.

He’s like a real-life Speedy gonzales.

Except I am Not a mouse.

And I can’t Run very fast.

Oh, but you Are cute.

Ahngn!

Ay, yi, yi.

Say something Funny, sam.

You gonna eat that?

Too much, Too much!

You were Looking for...

Me?

So...

I just wanted to ask You a few questions

About the hepsler file.

Hepsler file, My ass.

You’re drunk!

No. Don’t Look in there.

White wine Out of a box?

Well, it’s better For the environment.

But it’s So declasse.

I’m sorry.

I fell off the wagon Into the booze ditch

And it hurt so good.I don’t Believe this. First, marco goes up In a hot air balloon And now this?

Oh...

Sorry.

Mmm. So, I turn to him And I say, "What?

I thought he Was a midget."

Cha-ching!

Hey, clarkie.

What?

You gonna eat that?

Please, sam, Please, you have To do it for us.

And by, "Do it", Would you happen To mea-an...

You gonna eat that?

You are back On top, samuel.

You gonna, you gonna, You gonna eat that?

You gonna eat that?

I thought he was a midget.

Claxton here. Go.

You gonna eat that?

Okay, what the fuck Are you playing at?

Que? You’re stealing My thunder.

Oh, I no speaka english.

Yeah, you’re on Top now, tattoo,

But you’re going to Fall, and you’re Going to fall hard,

Just like me. And Herve villechaize.

Oh, god rest His little soul.

Come here, you Son of a bitch!

Oh.

Hey, guys. What’s going on?

Robin?

We, your friend...

We, your friends And acquaintances,

Have come together

To tell you how Much your drinking Is affecting us.

Oh, wait.

This is an Intervention, Isn’t it?

Okay, look, you Really don’t have To worry about me.

Yeah, I... I’m Down to only three Jell-o shots a day.

Oof...

We’re with You, robin.

Uh, yeah.

Until we have To leave.

Have a seat, robin.

Uh, I’m actually In kind of a rush.

I said, "Sit down."

Okay.

Uh, maxine.

You can start.

I hate your Guts, sweetie.

Hmm.

That’s all I got. Oh, no, No. Come on.

Dig deeper.

Do I have to? Yeah.

Well, maybe if you Weren’t a drunk,

I wouldn’t Hate you.

Or maybe I would. Who can know?

But, you are a drunk, So let’s assume That’s what it is.

I’m hungry. Is Anybody else hungry?

That’s so Brave, maxine.

Yeah.

I’m hungry, too.

Can I go next?

All right. I think What we could all Use right now

Is a little... A little levity.

Huh?

So, listen To this.

It was the hottest Day of the year.

Oh, bo-ring!

Your midget story Is fucking ass.

It’s no "You gonna eat that?"

I heartily concur.

All right, look.

That dumb One-liner’s garbage.

It’s mindless pap And it only works

Because sam says it With a stupid accent.

Says you, Bum-bum-head.

Enough!

Claxton, sit down.

This intervention is About robin’s alcoholism

And not about Your lack of funny.

What?

Yeah. You Should sit down.

You should.

Thanks, sam.

You’re welcome, sir.

May I?

Oh, please do.

Robin? Mm-hmm?

I wish you would Stop drinking.

It’s hurting you.

It’s hurting Your friends.

And it’s hurting society.

Oh, society. Right on, brother.

Yeah.

And, uh, I wanted to Ask you something.

Oh, what was it?

You gonna eat that?

Oh, no cerveza Por robin.

All right, eat this!

Enough! This Intervention is over.

Claxton, I never Want to hear

That stupid midget Story ever again.

Howland. Campanelli. Outside. Now.

Wow...

You gonna eat that?

I’m only going to say This once, howland,

But if you don’t Get back into aa,

Your ass is outta here.

Do you understand me?

Yes, sir. Now go wait In my office.

And campanelli, What is it with all This mexican shit?

Oh. Well, sir,

It wasn’t my idea, It was steve’s.

Who? Steve.

Lawyer from Elliott pound?

The black one?

Oh, you mean Steve james.

He has a last Name, you racist.

Actually, he has Two first names.

Okay.

Why would Steve want you

To waltz around The firm

Pretending to be A mexican man?

That’s ludicrous.Steve! Hey, can you back me Up on something here?

Oh! Steve.

Sure.

You know, I-I-I hate to even Entertain the notion,

But sam here claims That you asked him

To pretend to Be a mexican.

Is... That true?

Pretend? He told me He was mexican.

What? No! No, I did not.

Sir, why would I Ever ask someone

To behave like A caricature Of another race?

That’s ludicrous.

That’s what I said.It’s ludicrous. Exactly that.

Now, I have to Go and deal with A friend of bill,but I will finish With you later. And rest assured That this will go in Your permanent record.

That’s hard, dawg.

I felt that.

So you guys never Really thought I was a mexican.

Well, not that I’m not impressed,

But why single me Out for ridicule?

Is it because I told That lame story?

Why does anyone Do anything?

Pfft. I heard that.

You know, the Food court’s got Perogies here?

Perogies? Yeah.

Perogies?

You gonna eat that?

Hello?

It’s seth. Who?

Seth. What?

Seth! Sam, is this you?

No, no, no, no.

It’s seth. Seth.

Don’t you recognize My voice?

Listen, you Pervert, if you call This number again,

I’m calling the police.

Jesus s. Christ!

It’s kaplan.

Oh, mr. Kaplan...

Dammit, robin, First names only.

Right, sir. Of course. Sorry.

Okay. Question.

Yeah. Go ahead.

Can we eat wine gums?

There’s no alcohol In wine gums, sir.

No, no, no.

I mean, can you And I get together

And eat wine gums?

I just made a Run to the...

Oh, god, I miss booze!

Okay. I gotta go. You’re good.

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God, I miss booze...