Original subtitles

Oh, robin,

You’re all over that Indonesia thing, right? Yes, sir.

I’ve got, uh, calls coming In at 3:00 in the morning,

But better them Than the drunken Heavy breathing

Of my ex-boyfriend.

There goes The cruller. Hmm.

Seriously though, Everything’s fine...

With the deal. There goes the Boston cream.

Do not touch That cheese bagel.

Don’t touch that Cheese bagel!

Fuck!

You know, You shouldn’t Skip breakfast.

Most important Meal of the day.

This is supposed To be my breakfast.

And now captain Picard over there Is going to eat

My chocolate Almond croissant.

I think the captain’s More of a raisin man.

You think? Yeah. Yeah,

You want that Raisin bagel, Don’t you? Mmm. Oh yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Oh yeah.

Nice!

Yes, but it’s All for naught.

Murray’s next.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What’s he doing?

"Sconehenge".

Murray!

Don’t you want To tell everybody

About that new tax Loophole you found?

You mean the one Where you get six Or more cats,

You can claim Deductions as An animal shelter?

Uh, yeah, that one.

Well, you see Society’s come A long way

In their Recognition Of animals

As dependents Or employees.

Uh... 20 years ago... Oh... Oh.

Mmm mmm mmm!Delicious. One, two, three, four!

♪ all hail The working man ♪

♪ he’s got the world In his hand ♪

♪ all hail The working man ♪

♪ the work is never done

♪ way-oh, way-oh-oh

♪ way-oh, way-oh-ho

Huh!

♪ I am the working man

♪ through the night Till the morning sun ♪

♪ I am the working man

♪ the work is never done

♪ way-oh, way-oh-oh Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! ♪ way-oh-way

♪ pray for The working man ♪

♪ always there With a helping hand ♪

♪ pray for The working man ♪

♪ the work is never done

♪ all hail The working man ♪

♪ another day Has just begun ♪

♪ all hail The working man ♪

♪ it’s never friggin’ done

Okay, listen up.

There’s a tv show

Called "The right Side of business"

That’s approached us

About a new on-screen Legal expert.

Uh, I... I really Can’t, sir.

I’m just swamped. Work thing.

Well, of course It’s a work thing,

We’re at work.

But I... I really Can’t, sir. Sorry.

That’s too bad. It’s too bad.

Anybody interested, Drop by my office.

And no uglies.

You know who you are.

Well, I think We all know who Should be the guy.

You practically Have a unibrow.

Yeah. You look like A romanian gymnast.

Boy, he’s Thin-skinned.

He’s running after Kaplan, you idiot.

Well, with His little legs,

He deserves A head start.

Yep.

Well, if it isn’t Heckle and jeckle.

What do you want?

Tv...

Tv show.

So, you both want it.Okay, let’s Do this quick. Uh, pick a number Between one And ten. Clark?

Uh, three.

Oh! I had seven.

What was your number? I had seven.

Well, it looks Like we’ve found Our legal pundit.

No, no, no. Th-that’s That’s hardly fair, sir.

What? Look, you’ve got To write it down.

No, no... Oh, fine.

Freaking cry-baby.

All right, what have You got now, wussy?

Eight.

Mmm. Caponelli?

Seven.

Oh! Seven it is.

Seven it is.

Pundit.

God damn it. I Should be the one Doing that show.

I’m more Telegenic than sam,

I have a larger Vocabulary

And I don’t Have the hands Of a werewolf.

Hey, why didn’t you Want in on this, huh?

You’re the queen of Shameless self-promotion.

Not everybody’s Desperate To be on tv.

Anyway, I’m swamped.

Yeah. Not buying it.

You’re hiding something.

No, I’m really not. Yes, you Really are.You’re playing With your hair. You always do that When you’re lying.

Maybe I’m Flirting with you.

Okay, now I Know you’re lying.

See you later.

Hey, rod.

Look, I need you to Get me robin howland’s Employment records.

For the millionth time,

It’s roderick.

Look, I could have Made it rubberdick,

Dickrod, rotordick.

Just be happy With rod, okay?

Given you’re a Lawyer, I shouldn’t Need to remind you

There are privacy laws In this country.

All right, what Do you want?

These dusty catacombs Play absolute mayhem With my sinuses.Get me transferred Out of here. Look, I’m a lawyer, Not a miracle worker. Give me something else.

You’re right. I do Have another tithe Of great importance.

Use your influence To make that ingrate, Murray, apologize.

Apologize for what?

Two nights ago, we Were in the elderwoods

And he was camping,

And he totally Fucked me.

Murray raped You in a tent?

No!

We are ravenclaw.

An online clan Of some repute.

Last time We were playing,

Murray hid in The lower dungeon

And he kept slaying Me with his trident.

Now, in The community...

The gay community?

The gaming community...

That’s called "Camping".

It’s not the way of An honourable man.

Bring me Murray’s mea culpa

And the key to Robin’s vault is yours.

Leave it to me, Rod... Erick.

Murray’ll come crawling

And then you can, uh...

Fuck him in a tent Or whatever. Huh?

Erudite... Commodification...

Patriarchy...What are you doing? Oh, I want to sound Smart on the tv show

So I’m shoving Big words into my Short-term memory.

You know, you should Stop worrying about Your vocabulary

And start worrying About that unibrow.

Looks like your Bandana slipped down.

I know. Okay?

But every time I Try and shave it,

I go too far and End up with, like...

Two little hitler Moustaches Over my eyes.

Yeah. See You later.

Philanthropy...

Murray.

Hey!

Huh? Hey...

Uh, look, I heard What you did to Roderick, you know.

You should Be ashamed.

No. No, it’s His fault.

He’s always making Fun of my player Name, trinity.

What? Like The chick from "The matrix"?

So what?

No, nothing. It’s a Great name. Solid.

Look, uh, how Much for you to Apologize to him?

I cannot and will Not be bought.

Look, murray, This is serious.

Ravenclaw is Falling apart Without you.

They miss you. No, they need you.

Roderick himself Said no one works a Trident like trinity.

Lord minty Said that?Yeah, sure. Why not? Look, your Clan’s future is In your hands.

Ravenclaw forever!

Caw! Caw!

Actually our clan call Is "Ca-caw! Ca-caw!"

Really? But close.

Yeah? Well, Why don’t you

Ca-call your fellow Ca-clansmen, hmm?

Why are you doing This anyway?

Are you thinking about Joining ravenclaw?

No. I’m already In a clan, murray.

It’s called Rich people.

All right, let’s see what She’s hiding, rotordick.

All right, here we go. Robin howland. Uh...

Oh, managed A dairy queen

In red deer For six years.

I’m lactose Intolerant.

No talking. Thank you.

Special skills, uh... Skeet shooting,

Barrel racing and Plays the tuba.

Huh.

Wait a minute. Here we go.

Birth name, Robin straker.

Straker? Her last Name’s howland.

Robin straker? Oh yes.

All this time and I never realized.

I guess I didn’t Recognize her

Without all the blood And oozing sores.

Okay. Now you can talk.

We go now, live,

To our new legal Correspondent

From the respected firm Of fagen and harrison, Sam caponelli.

Salutations, jim.

It’s astounding To be here.

Sam! Let’s lock it down!

Sam caponelli.

Straight from The t-dot, City of guns.

Let’s play The blame game!Immigrants or pot? Introspectively, I must say that... Moving on! Gay marriage

Or people Marrying dogs?

What’s worse? Well, one Would infer

That gay Marriage is... Exactly.

But try telling that To those liberal Goose-steppers.

Sam! Let’s Lock it down!

Indian restaurants Harbouring terrorists.

Is it time to Boycott chutney?

Hey, I know why You didn’t want To be on tv.

You didn’t want Your old life

Coming back To haunt you.

Pun intended.What are you Talking about? You know what I’m Talking about, Robin straker.

Oh! Or should I call you "Soccer mom zombie"?

That’s wrong!

Sam caponelli! Let’s lock it down!

There’s been drastic Cuts to education, sam.

One question. Is this the best Government ever?

Well, I... It would be Disingenuous to suggest

That this administration’s Policy on education

Is anything But niggardly.

Did sam caponelli Just say the "N" word?

Oh, no. No, No, no. No, no.

Uh "Niggardly." It means cheap.

Nig-gard-ly.

There you Have it, folks. Sam caponelli

Thinks black People are cheap.

Okay, wait! No, No, no, no. I Didn’t say that.

That’s it for "The Right side business."

Lock it down! Is out.

I didn’t say that.

Well, that was fagen.

I just got called To his office.

You’re looking At a dead man.

I can’t believe They fired me From that tv show

For saying the Word "Niggardly".

I-I-it’s a completely Legitimate word.

Uh, if you’re living In a dickens novel.

What were You thinking?

Hah! I won’t Even say jujube.

Yeah, me too.

And I hate The black ones,

But I’ll eat them Just so it looks

Like I’m not Excluding anyone.

Oh! That reminds me,

I have soup on.

Soup?

Black bean?

God. I thought She’d never leave.

You got to check This shit out.

All right. So, robin,

She told me To keep it quiet

So I quietly E-mailed it To everybody.

All right, So this is The no-budget,

Straight-to-video "Zombie chicks".

All right, so In this one, A zombie virus

Only reanimates Women, 90% of Whom, apparently,

Are strippers And cheerleaders.

Of course, Of course. All right.

It gets better. See this blonde One here?

Mm-hmm. Right there.

That’s robin. No! Yeah.

Yeah! Oh, my god!

Oh, she’s so bad. I know.

She’s so bad! Oh, I know.

Did she just Look right into The camera?

Yes. Oh yes.

And check this out.

Have you ever Seen a zombie Sneeze before?

Hmm.

Soccer mom zombie Wouldn’t eat Cream of mushroom.

Perhaps Cream of brains.

’scuse me.

Awesome. I can’t Wait to post this On my website.

Miss straker, We were wondering

If perhaps you Might answer some Of our questions

About the production "Zombie chicks".

Fucking clark.

Actually, we all Have questions.

We were wondering If you could do A group q&a.

Jesus. I don’t Have time for this.

Ah. But I Already booked

One of The boardrooms for This afternoon.

So, un-book it.

Un-book. Un-dead. I love it.

How about Tomorrow then?

Or the day After that?

Or the day after That? Or the day...

Okay!

20 minutes.

If you promise me None of you will ever

Bring up "Zombie chicks" again.

Ever!

Deal.

Disembodied voice: Ca-caw! Ca-caw! Ca-caw!

We were not overly Impressed with your On-air performance.

Yeah. It’s okay, stan.

Public speaking

Is the number two Fear in the world.

Number one is Alien invasion.

I say let The bastards come.

Right. Well, anyway,

The good news is That the publicity

That’s been Garnered from this Has brought us

A big new, Rich client

Heritage industries.

And they’d like to Meet with you, samuel.

So, uh, I’m not fired?

Not today.

I don’t know what Action figures They’ll make

And I’m unlikely to Appear in the sequel

Because, as you all Know, my character Was decapitated.

And I’m a fucking Lawyer now.

Yes, murray?

You played the part Of soccer mom zombie?

What kind of minivan Did she drive?

Aerostar.

Hoo-hoo-hoo. Sweet wheels.

Next question?

What if a vampire Bites a zombie?

Does the zombie Become a vampire,

Or does the vampire Become a zombie?

And how does it All work with The werewolves?

Zombies trump Everything.Except mermaids. Next. I have a two-part Question.

No two-part Questions.

How come the zombies Kill people

And then continue To eat them?

If the people are Dead, then aren’t They zombies?

And, if so, why Wouldn’t the zombies Just eat other zombies?

Because zombies Aren’t that solid A concept. Okay?

Last question.

Can a zombie Have coitus?

How do you think She got the part in The first place?

Can a zombie Get pregnant?

Uh, would the baby Be a zombie?

Would the baby Eat its way out Of the womb,

And if so, would You still love it?

Umm, yes to all Four questions.

Would you be able To breastfeed The zombie baby?

We’re done.

If any of you mention "Soccer mom zombie" again,

You get a throat punch.

I’ll remember This, claxton.

No, you won’t. Like roderick Noted in the q&a,

Zombies have no Short-term memory.

Hilarious. Yeah.

Hey, why are you in This movie, anyway?

Uh! I entered miss Beef jerky alberta To win a scholarship

To get the hell Out of red deer,

And I got first Runner-up,

So the prize Was a part in "Zombie chicks".

So that’s why you Changed your name?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, fresh start, All that, yep.

Hey, I got A question For you.

How do you feel Now that you’re Jerk-off fodder

For those losers In the boardroom?

Like I Wasn’t before. Hmm.

Ahhh!

I just got us A new big client.

Oh! Big, big client.

Did I say The word "Big" yet? Yeah.Mm-hmm. Yeah. Did I mention I’m The new golden boy?

Mmm. Mmm.

What company’s This?

Heritage industries.

Yeah, I think they Make those little Historical movies

About, like, The railway and who Invented basketball

And, anyway, I’m awesome. You guys suck.

Hey, hold on there, Big man. Uh... What?

You do know about Heritage industries, Right?

Uh, yeah. They Make little movies

And they love me. No, no, no.

They don’t make Movies, sam.

They’re The legitimate Business wing

Of a white Supremacist group.

Shut up! Yeah. Yeah.

Heritage industries.

They’re from alberta. Need I say more?

Back me up here, Prairie princess.

Yeah. Yeah, Everybody back Home knows them.

They’re neo-nazis.

Okay. Whatever.

As if fagen would Represent nazis.

Fine.

Remember, you’re Supposed to heil with Your dominant hand.

So why we Fucking with him?

I don’t know. I was trying Something there.

I think I lost it.

Ohh, qu’est-ce Que c’est?

Must be from Your fan club.

I’m officially Creeped out.

Yeah, what is it?

Eww. That’s nice.Ohh. Let’s see what The card says. Here we go.

Ahem. "My dearest Queen of the undead,

I can’t get you out Of my head." huh.

"Your knight, Roderick."

That’s nice. See? It’s a pun.

Head, brain, Zombie. It’s funny.

I foresee a Night of romance at Ye old spaghetti factory,

Followed by A subway ride Back to his lair,

A.K.A. Mommy’s Basement.

Have a good time. Enjoy the spumoni.

God.

You got 1%?

I can’t do Anything without 1%.

Well, they got 2% And half-and-half.

So you want It black?

Hell, no.

I like Milky white.

I can’t Do black.

It makes me sick To my stomach.

What about homo? Oh, shit.

Don’t even get Me started.

Sorry, sir.

Well, hey, There, partner.

Hi.

Gee, where You going to? Jeez, you know,

I’m sorry to Hear the network

Isn’t going to let You back on the air.

Yeah, it’s just... They had to Take you off,

Because you Were telling It like it is.

Too smart for Tv, I guess.

Damn network doesn’t Know their asses

From a hole In the ground.

Makes me just want To grab my shotgun

And do what Needs to be done.

Yeah. That’s how I feel... As well.

Give him your hat.What? Give him your hat. Give that boy your hat.

Come on, now.Give him your hat. I’m good. I don’t... No, no, no, no. Put it on, now.

That looks Good on you.

Okay, norman bates. We need to talk.

Huh.

Ohh.

It would appear As though

You’ve stumbled Upon my homage.How embarrassing. What are you doing With all these Pictures of me?

And why did you Give me a brain In a jar?

I thought you Might be hungry.

I’m not a zombie, Roderick.

It was a character I played for, like, A week of my life.

A character you Might play again, In the boudoir.

Uh, did you Put your brain In that jar?

Because you don’t Have a hope in Hell with me.

Look at me. I’m a nine.

You’re a one.

Together, We’re a ten.

Okay. You know, This is going to Stop. Excuse me.

Hmm!

Okay. I’m in Freaky-doodleland.

Yeah. Apparently, You’re the sheriff.

First, I get fired From the tv show For being a racist,

And now I’m being Forced to work with A bunch of them.

What? You were right.

Heritage industries. They’re nazis!

Son of a bitch.What do I do, clark? What do you mean, What are you Going to do?

You took an oath in Law school, partner.

Defend the guilty, Blah, blah, blah,

Make lots of money.

So man up and be A good little bigot

Till you close The deal.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stay cynical.

Yeah! Thank you!

Giddy-up.

Normally I don’t Get involved In this shit,

But this is The third sexual Harassment issuein the past month. Unfortunately, I’m Personally involved In one of them,

But that’s Another story.Well, this Is pretty Cut and dry. Sir, roderick... Sir roderick!

This freak has Been stalking me.

Take a look at this!

What did you Do with all The pictures?

I’m quite sure I have no idea Of what you speak.

What is all This shit?

In my spare time I’ve been brushing Up on my wpms,

E.G. Words per minute.

Okay, it’s not "E.G.", You idiot. It’s "I.E."

"E.G." means "For example."

If I might interject, Mr. Kaplan,

In actuality, a Certain robin howland, Nee straker,

Has begun Stalking me.

What? No. That’s insane.

Look at me. Look at him.

Okay, sir, I’ve got Proof in my office.

Take a look at This, mr. Kaplan.

But... I’d say It was sad,

But I think Sick is more Appropriate.

I cannot be Expected to work

With this woman any Longer, mr. Kaplan.

Howland, you Disappointment me.

But... Ah, ah, ah.

Look, roderick, What would it take

To make this little Problem disappear?

Yeah, maybe a Vacation in the sun.

This problem Could disappear

If one Roderick stirmacki

Were promoted To... Assistant.

Well, that’s No good.

Then we’d still be Working together.

What about Night assistant?

Suits me just fine,

For I am a creature Of the night.

Done, and done.

This is what turns Your crank, howland?

I took you For a lesbo.

I don’t think that’s Appropriate, sir.

Neither do I. A woman should Be with a man.

Or a few of them.

I was talking To a black guy Earlier today.

Didn’t like him.

Was it that Guy, morris?

Maxine said he was Kind of a dick,

But he... He seemed Like a swell guy.

Well, if by "Swell Guy" you mean fag.

Guys, come on, Look at me.

I-I-I’m your Poster boy. I mean,

I look like One of them.I’m actually One of you. I’m like ben kingsley. Look at my colouring.

"Oh, oh, oh, Is he ghandi?"

"Oh, oh, oh, Oh, oh. Is he an Auschwitz victim?"

What the hell are You talking about?You know what I’m talking about? The queer zionists Who are controlling The media. The world!

Boy, I don’t think I’m getting your Sense of humour here.

You know what I’m not getting?

I’m not getting The towel heads

Who get to control All of our oil.

And they’re Making our cabs Smell like hummus.

Towel heads!

Yeah!

You know, I think I’m Starting to get it,

And I’m not Liking it much.

It’s great! Isn’t He funny, boys?

Yeah, hah! Whoo!

Fellas, you Just witnessed

Another one of Sam caponelli’s Classic impressions

Of a bigoted Right-winged fascist.

Sam, you still Got it. That Falafel stuff?

Thank goodness. Hoo! Yee haw!

You really Had me going.

You were rubbing me The wrong way, boy, I’m tellin’ ya.

You know, the only Reason we wanted To work with you

Is because you Seemed smarter Than most of the...

The chumps we see On tv. Am I right?

You’re right. Goddamn right.

Sam figured you Guys were smart, Too, so, uh...

Yeah, I figured You’d get a Kick out of me

Pretending to Be a racist,

Because, you know, The whole stereotype.

Well, he got us Goin’ real good!

You know, you two Make a real good pair.

Hell of a pair.

They remind me Of the... The...

Them two magpies. What are they called?

Heckle and jeckle. Heckle and jeckle.

Heckle and jeckle, That’s it.

Siddown. Siddown. Take a load off.

Why not? Siddown there.

I have Nowhere to be.

Hey, give him Your hat. What?

Give... Give Him your hat.

I just bought This one at lunch.

Give him your Goddamn hat.

Give it to him.

He looks just like A young gene autry, Doesn’t he?

The singing cowboy. Hoo, hoo, hoo.

You ladies look hungry...

To die!

Gesundheit.

One, two, three, four!

Closed captioned by Stancon video

♪ way-oh, way-oh-oh

♪ way-oh, way-oh-ho

Huh!

♪ way-oh, way-oh-oh

♪ way-oh-way