Original subtitles

Hmm.

Hello.

Two squirrels are in bed.What? I’m working on this Cartoon caption contest

To win a subscription To "The new yorker".

So... What’s Something funny

A husband squirrel would Say to a wife squirrel?

"Oh, but you’ll put

Those nuts In your mouth."

Hah. Nice.

You think of that All by yourself?

That’s good. I’m going To write that down.What do you have? Uh, "I’m tired of you Eating our young."

Get your man-hands off me!

Hmm.

Where the hell...

Yes, sir?

Have you seen my... Ah!

Son of a bitch!

Hey, do you know Where... Ah.

I’ll call You back.

Listen, lady...

I have a name.

You see this nudie pen?

Yeah?

What’s written betwixt Her sculpted thighs?

"Clark claxton."

Yeah. That’s not Your name, is it?

No. My name is...

Because I know You’re not me,you’re not my dad And you’re definitely Not my grandfather

Because he doesn’t Sport a moustache.

Well, you could just Use a different pen.

Or I could use A different Assistant.

Hmm. Tough choice.

All right, First one

To show me their Tits can stay.

Mmm, good effort, But you’re fired.

Shithead.

♪ all hail The working man ♪

♪ he’s got the world In his hand ♪

♪ all hail The working man ♪

♪ the work is never done

♪ way-oh, way-oh-oh

♪ way-oh, way-oh-ho

Huh!

♪ I am the working man

♪ through the night Till the morning sun ♪

♪ I am the working man

♪ the work is never done

♪ way-oh, way-oh-oh Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! ♪ way-oh-way

♪ pray for The working man ♪

♪ always there With a helping hand ♪

♪ pray for The working man ♪

♪ the work is never done

♪ all hail The working man ♪

♪ another day Has just begun ♪

♪ all hail The working man ♪

♪ it’s never friggin’ done

Could you press 46 please, robin?

Oh, yes, sir.

Excuse me.

Thank you.

Hmm.

How was Your weekend?

I had dinner with The prime minister.

Oh. We had canada goose.

It was a little chewy.

Oh.

Oh! Look at that.

You got a little Bun in the oven.

Mazel to!

God, you go through Assistants

Like priests go Through altar boys.

She violated the Sanctity of my office.

Not the nudie pen?

Yeah. She was Doodling with it.

And everything had A smile, you know?

Flowers with smiles, Moons with smiles,

Unicorns with smiles.

Oh my god! Your Pen’s gay now.

I know.

Do I look fat?

Don’t even move.

Well, according to The water cooler,

You’re eating For two now.

You’re pregnant?

Great!

Now I have to kill A stupid rumour

And lose five pounds.

Mmm, I’m Thinking ten.

What did I do?

Well, I’m off to h.R.

A slave ship Just arrived,

I want to nab Me a good one.

Hey.

I throw a stapler At your head.

What do you do?

Am I bleeding?

What’s my Favourite lunch?

Come on. Take Some initiative.

Uh, spinach salad.

Wrong.

Hit the bricks.

Okay.

A train’s coming Towards me.

You might be Able to save me

If you throw yourself

And a thousand other People in its path.

What do you do?

Whatever you tell me.

You’re hired.

That’s it?

Yep. Get to work.

If anyone needs me, I’ll Be in here jerking off.

Ha-hah!

For the mother-to-be.

I look forward to Your postpartum Depression.

All right, uh, there’s Something I need To tell you people.

Quiet. Maybe She remembers Who the father is.Hey! Ow. Uh, robin, w-would you Like the last croissant?

You know, you... You should keep your Blood sugar stable.

Thank you.

When do you want Me to schedule Your massages?

Huh? Part of our Maternity policy.

Once a week, They come right Into your office.

Oh!

There’s no end to The crap you’re Going to get.

That’s the only Way that us lawyers

Can keep on sleeping With our assistants.

Robin, isn’t there Something you want To tell everybody?

Hmm? Hmm?

Oh, right. Right.

Yeah, I just... I just Wanted to say that, um...

This mother-to-be Feels a lot of Love in this room.

Hey, did that telemetrics Conference call

Come through yet?

Yes, sir. Ten minutes ago.

I told them you were Jerking off, sir.

You’re joking.

I like that. That Was pretty funny.

No, sir. I Wasn’t joking.

Humour really isn’t Very professional.

So, you actually told Them I was masturbating?

What kind of A freak are you?

I’m of irish Descent, sir.

No, no, no. I don’t care

If your mother Is tanzanian.

You just get your Overly-literal Ass on the phone

And straighten This mess out.

On my mother’s side, There was some dutch, sir.

So you’re pissed At robin ’cause she Stole a croissant?No! I’m pissed at her ’cause she stole it With her womb.

She’s all strong, Independent woman

Until she gets Special attention For being pregnant.

So it was The croissant.

It was Chocolate-almond. Ah, well.

Hey, how’s your New assistant Working out?

Ugh, my soon-to-be Ex-assistant.

She’s a mouth- Breather,

A paper clip Fanatic.

She put a paper Clip on one Piece of paper.

And she brought me A banana muffin This morning.

Banana! Oh my god!

She’ll be gone some Time after lunch.

Well, why wait Till then?

I hate firing People when I have Low blood sugar.

So, have you Picked any Names yet?

Well, not yet.

Oh, let’s Pick names.

Oh, I love Picking names.

I like cecilia, that’s My mother’s name.

Pick names. Pick names. Pick names. Pick names.

You know, the Classics are really Making a comeback.

God! How sick do you Have to be to cash in On a fake pregnancy?

I know. It’s Deplorable.

What do you think About jennifer?I don’t like that. Lily? I’m going To pretend I’m the father.

That’s a great idea. Thank you very much.

How’s the morning Sickness?

Oh god, I haven’t Thrown up this much

Since my second Abortion.

Uh, everyone?

I have an announcement To make.

No, actually, Allow me.

Yeah? Go ahead.

All right.

Uh, so we Talked about it

And we decided It would be okay To announce this.

So it looks Like...

I’m going to Be a daddy.

Whoa!

Yeah.

What? I know.

Robin and I are just...

Oh, so excited.

Aren’t we?

It was a mistake.

I was drunk.

He was wearing A santa hat.

That’s impossible.

The christmas party Was eight months ago.

Who said anything About christmas?

When I’m giving gifts,

I always wear The santa hat.

Well, here’s to The mama and the papa.

Mazel to!

Hey, papa-san.

Something for you And the missus.

Can’t talk. I got To make someone cry.

Oh, lucky bastard.

It’s why we get up In the morning.

That and The percocet.

So, how are you Settling in?

Fine. Hmm, I can See that.

You have your desk All decorated with Horse pictures.

You got your holidays All x-ed out

On your Horsey calendar.

If I might Interrupt, sir?

Hey, why stop doing Things wrong now?

I quit.

She quit, right before I was going to fire her.

Now I’ve got Termination Blue balls.

Is that why you’re Walking funny?

No. I sat on My nudie pen.

God! No one has ever Quit on a claxton.

I mean, one had to be Re-institutionalized,

One set himself on fire.

Oh, and that Freak, johnny,

He left for gender Reassignment surgery.

I hear it’s "Jenny" now.

Really? Johnny To jenny. Jesus.

Anyway, I got To find a way To win her back

So that I can fire Her as god intended.

Yeah. It’s good To keep busy.

We’re supposed to be The three musketeers

And you guys went and Turned into a twix bar

And now I’m like One of those little "After eight" Chocolates.

You know, the ones That come in the Individual sleeves?

They do cleanse The palate.

Why couldn’t you Spread the wealth?

We could have A paternity drama.

Be like, am I the daddy?

Is clark the daddy?Yeah, that’s Just what I need. To usurp courtney as The new office slut.

I heard that!

Let’s go, let’s go.

You know, I could Just tell on you guys

And then your little Game would be over.

Oh, sammy gonna Tell on us?

Please.

Call 9-wah-wah,

’cause somebody Needs a wahm-bulance.

Wahm-bulance? Did you just Think of that?

No. I stole it from Dwayne in accounting.

Oh.

You know, why don’t You drop by the Baby shower later?

Yeah. And bring us a gift.

Baby needs a bottle Of single malt.

Hi, millie.

I’ll be gone In about five Minutes, sir.

Uh, hey, what kind Of horse is this?

Like you care, sir.

All right. Look, You passed, millie.

I passed?

Yeah. Like, I was Hard on you.

Harder than I’ve been On anyone, ever,

Which is really Saying something.

Why, sir?

Well, I needed to know That you were tough.

And I damn well needed To know you had my back.

So I tested you And you passed.

By quitting?

Exactly.

Welcome to Fagen and harrison.

Well, thank you, sir.

I’m overjoyed.

You should be.

It’s a hanoverian Horse, sir.

Oh. My favourite.

See, we’re... We’re Bonding already.

How’s this Shit-eater work?

Well, let’s imagine That your piece of cake

Is a poopy diaper.

Okay? So you just Plop it on in here

And, uh, voila!It’s gone. Well, it’s a poop ’n scoop for babies.

Hey, uh, how do I Get my cake back?

No. I’m serious.

Oh. Look Who’s late.

Oh, and he didn’t even Bring our baby a gift.

I don’t care about Your stupid baby.

Oh! And to think I was going to make You the godfather.

You know, there’s A lot more Important things

In life than Your baby.

What could be more Important than our Little miracle?

Yeah.

Like my, uh...

What?

Cancer.

Cancer?

Cancer. Yes.

I just found out I have cancer.

I’m dying. I Could be dying.

What kind Of cancer?

Well, pretty Bad, uh...

Pretty bad Breast cancer.

I’m sorry, guys. I just...

I didn’t Mean to...

Interrupt this Wonderful occasion.

I’m going to... Keep having fun... Keep having fun.

Oh, guys. No, No, listen.

I don’t know. I just found out.

I think it’s going To be fine, you know.

Nice move, terry fox.

Yeah. Some of Your best work.

Fucking lemmings.

We had them showering Us with gifts.

Next thing you know, They’re waddling off Sam’s cancer cliff.

No one has any Integrity anymore.

Guys, I’m not joking.

No, you’re lying And it’s dirty.

And we’re Proud of you.

I really thought you Two were my friends.

And you’re making Light of this thing

Like it’s Some kind of...

You know what?

I’d like you to Leave my office

Before I say something I’ll regret.

What? Like tell Everyone you have Breast cancer?

Not everything is one Of your sick jokes.

Oh...

Cancer’s Changed you.

Hey! How was Phone orientation?

Almost unbearable, sir.

Aw. Where are You off to now?

Three hours of Archives management Training, sir.

Well, having fun "Sweatin’ to the oldies".

Thank you, sir.

Check that out.

That’s my secretary.

Oh.

God, he’s really Playing this hard.

Yeah. Look, he has Tears in his eyes.

I can’t believe I’m actually Saying this,

But you don’t believe That sam really Has cancer, do you?

Breast cancer?Hey, men can Get it too. Herpes, maybe. Some sort of Dwarfism, definitely.

But not cancer.Clark: I don’t know. Chemo boy sure Is sticking To his guns.

Don’t worry, I’ll break him.

You break him, I’ll take a break

And then I’ll break My assistant.

Mmm!

How was stapler Practice?

That doesn’t Exist, sir.

But I did complete The rest of the Orientation sessions.

I’ll just Rejuvenate myself with A nice cup of tea.

Oh, uh, before You and seabiscuit Trot off,

There’s just Something I’d like You to jot down

On your note Pad there.

Uh, you ready?

All right. What The hell was it?

Oh yeah.

You’re fired.

God, that felt good.

Giddy up.

Come in.

Oh, hey.

Look, I’m sorry.

I should have Believed you.

Yes, you Should have.

Oh, hey.

I brought You cookies For happiness,

A daffodil for hope and An angel for courage.

Oh.

Angels are Courageous.

Just like you Are. Come here.

Oh ho, thank You so much.

I...

I just... Bye-bye.

Can you close The door on The way out?

Sure. Thanks.

Isn’t this So nice?

Yeah.

So, how You feeling?

Oh, I’m feeling Strong today, You know?

I’m tying up Some loose ends.

I cancelled my Gym membership.

I drank my "Star wars: Episode 1" pepsi.

And I ebayed my styx Fall tour tickets.

You know, I only Got three bids.

Huh. Have a seat.

Um, this is, uh...

Oh, god, I Get so tired.

Yeah, I know.

It’s kind of Awkward, um, for me,

But I... I just wanted To say that...

Well, you know, Since your news, I... Mm-hmm.

I don’t know, I’ve Just been feeling...

Wow. You can just Say it, robin.

Go ahead.

Well...

You can’t tell me you Haven’t thought about it.

You and me...

Ending up together.

Oh.

Oh, wow!

Yeah...

Well, yeah.

But, you know, now That you’re... Sick

It’ll never happen And it kills me.

Really?

Well, um...

Listen, uh, What if...

Yes, sam?

What if I, uh...

What if I don’t Have it, the cancer?

You don’t, do you?

No.

You little shit!

Ah!Oh, fuck you. You would only have sex With me if I had cancer?

That’s just low.

Wrong. I wouldn’t Have sex with you

Even if you did Have cancer.

You’re just jealous ’cause I could play This thing for years.

You and clark have what?

One, two Trimesters, tops?

Everybody knows,

Nothing trumps The cancer. Sam,

People actually think

You have a horrible, Life-threatening disease.Pffft. This is getting Way out of control.

Whatever.

Hey, sam.

I shaved my head To show my support.

How was your Evening, sir?

I fired you Yesterday, right?

Yes, sir. At 3:17 p.M.

Yeah. You know, When I fired you,

That wasn’t part Of a test. You are Actually fired.

You know, even me Saying this now, It’s not a test.

You are very fired.

Yes, sir.

So what are you Still doing here?

I decided not to accept Your firing, sir.

Is there anything else?

I’ll, uh, just be in There if you need me.

All right.

Robin and I have Come up with a plan.

And it gets us All out of this.

Oh, thank god.

This has gotten Completely out Of control.

I’ve been given Three copies of "Dying young"

And maxine is Shaking me down For chemo-weed.

Okay, you think You’ve got problems?

People keep asking me

If I’m going to Keep the placenta.

Like, on your mantle?

No. You’re Supposed to eat it.

I hear it tastes Like liver.

Oh! Oh! Fuck me! Oh!

I like liver.

All right, this is What we’re going to do.

You’re going to Tell everyone you Were misdiagnosed.

I could tell them My cancer went Into remission.

Oh, even better. Yeah.

And then you’re Going to throw It over to us

And with everyone All relieved and happy You’re going to live,

We’re going to tell Them that we were joking About the pregnancy.

Are you in?

I don’t know. You Really think this Is going to work?

Yeah.

I saw your assistant Mildred or whatever.

I thought You fired her.

Yeah. Apparently That doesn’t Mean anything.

She just sits There smiling

And drinking tea Out of a horse head.

What kind of sick Freak volunteers To work with you?

I know. I tried Hiding her chair,

Rerouting The main switchboard Through her phone,

Sexual harassment.

Why don’t you just Call security?

And let the little Filly win? Uh-uh.

This’ll be settled Mano millie.

I want all This photocopied, Reverse collated

And filed according to The aramaic alphabet.

Syriac or palmyrenean?

Fuck off.

By the way, I cleared Up your issue With telemetrics.

I’ve set up A lunch on friday.

I said, fuck off.

And here’s a non-fat latte And a boysenberry muffin.

That’s his Favourite.

You’re good.

Fuck off!

That’s just his way of Saying "Welcome aboard".

They’re going To kill me.

No. Yes, they are.

They’re going To kill me. No, they’re not.

We’re here for You. Just go.

It’s okay. It’s Now or never.

Okay. Thanks, guys.

Hey, everybody.

Hey, how’re You doing?

Listen, I have An announcement To make...

Another announcement.

Stay strong, sam.

Thank you.

Well, it’s Good news.

Uh, I’ve gone into...

My cancer has gone Into remission.

Aw! I just gave 75 bucks To cancer research.

What a waste.

Yeah, that’s a Really fast recovery.

Your oncologist must Be one hell of a pro.

Yeah. What kind Of breast cancer Was this again?

Uh, type two Breast cancer.

What?

Yeah. Type two.

It was very acute In the, uh...

Central nipple area.

That doesn’t Make sense.

Yeah, no, that Just sounds weird.

All right, listen, I’ve been through A lot, guys.

And you’ve been Through a lot too.

We’ve been through A lot together.

And I think I can be Honest with you.

So I can honestly Say that I don’t Have cancer.

I was lying.

You little weasel. You owe me 75 bucks!

Sorry.

I shaved My fucking head.

I appreciate that!

You look great. You look Like natalie portman.

And I’m not the only One who’s been playing Games around here.

Robin and clark have A little something to Tell you too. Guys.

I can’t believe you Don’t have cancer.

I’m... Oh.

Oh, my god.

The baby! You bastard!

You’re going To be okay.

I want $75 With interest.

Oh...

We heard about Your loss.

I hate kids, Anyway.

Thanks for Your kind words.Yeah. The, uh, the Doctor said it was Probably the shock

Of sam’s Horrible lies.

Well, I hope You’ll be able

To look back on this One day and laugh.

At my Miscarriage?

A little something From the partners

To express Their condolences.

What is it?

Tickets to A week-long,

All-expenses paid Seminar on grieving.

In sudbury.

Uh, those are The bus tickets.

Those are The bus tickets.

To sudbury!

The rome of the north.

You could... You could Visit the big nickel.

Well, that’s done.

Excuse me.

This isn’t going To end well.

I just don’t Understand

Why clark won’t Hire me back.

He had to Replace you.

You’ve been gone for Two years, johnny.

It’s jenny now, okay?

You look great.

The left one is A little umgabachki.

Oh...

Hello.

Two squirrels are in bed.

Clarky!

What?

I’m working on this Cartoon caption contest

To win a subscription to "The new yorker". So...

What’s something Funny a husband Squirrel would say

To a wife squirrel?

Oh! Uh...

"Oh, but you’ll Put those nuts In your mouth."

Tell him it was me.

Hah. Nice.

You think of that All by yourself?

It’s good. I’m going To write that down.

What do you have?

Tell him I said it. What do you have?

Tell him. He should know.

Tell him it was me.

Get your man- Hands off me!

Hmm.

One, two, three, four!

♪ way-oh, way-oh-oh

♪ way-oh, way-oh-ho

Huh!

♪ way-oh, way-oh-oh Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! ♪ way-oh-way

Closed captioned by Stancon video