Original subtitles

Maybe I was sleeping my way to the top.

This is new.

I mean, ever since Tim died,

I've been getting put on one shit deal after another.

Maybe he was helping me out professionally

and I never realized it.

Robin, we all get our share of dairy farm mergers

and retiree tax shelters. It'll pass.

Well, what if it doesn't?

You know, why the hell have I been working so hard,

if in the end a woman's legal career

comes down to who she's screwing?

Wish I could screw my way to the top.

Ugh.

Need coffee now.

Must get Franken-Clark coffee now.

Hm, it's starting to hurt, actually.

Come on. Uh, we gotta be careful though.

'Cause, uh, that new annoying tax guy's

lurking around here somewhere.

Oh God. Murray.

Ugh, he's got dragon breath

and he gets right in your face when he talks.

Loves you, Sam.

Yes. Well, Sam has a wonderful gift

of indiscriminately talking

to the weirdest people on the planet

who subsequently latch onto him.

That's how I found you.

Touche. Come on.

Hey, what are you guys up to, huh?

I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.

How you doin'?

Hey, Murray.

Yeah, Simon, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, uh, Murray, we were just gonna go and, uh...

Archive to the archive room and archive.

Yeah.

Come on, Robin. Uh, Sam will catch up.

Actually, I wanted to talk to all three of you.

Just want...

Shit.

Sit down. Sit down, sit down.

So, uh...

Uh, my wedding's coming up.

Sorry, Robin. Just kidding.

Um, and I wanted to know if you guys...

You know what, Murray?

You should feel no obligation whatsoever to invite us.

I mean, weddings? They're all a numbers game.

And you start inviting people from the office,

it spirals outta control.

I really want the three of you to be there.

I think it would be a hoot.

You know, it's so touching that you would say that.

And Sam? I want you to be my best man.

Yeah.

Maybe we should, uh, leave two of them alone.

Uh, let's get to that.

- Archiving. Yes. - Yes. Archiving.

Oh, I can't wait for you to meet my parents.

Oh, they're gonna love you, man!

Bro.

Tuxes. - Yeah.

- Champagne. - Oh boy.

And what are we having for apps?

You figure that out. - I can't talk right now.

♪ One, two, three, four

♪ All hail the working man

♪ He's got the world in his hands ♪

♪ All hail the working man

♪ The work is never done

♪ Ey, oh, ey, oh, ey, oh, ey, oh, oh ♪

♪ I am the working man

♪ Through the night 'til the morning sun ♪

♪ I am the working man

♪ The work is never done

♪ Ey, oh, ey, oh, ey, oh, ey, oh, oh ♪

♪ Pray for the working man

♪ Always there with a helping hand ♪

♪ Pray for the working man

♪ The work is never done

♪ All hail the working man

♪ Another day has just begun

♪ All hail the working man

♪ He's so frickin' done

The guy's getting married on Sunday,

which gives me exactly a day and a half

to throw him a bachelor party.

Stop, I can't breathe. I can't...

What? The guy should have a bachelor party.

It's only right.

Oh God. I felt coffee coming up my nose.

I'm very happy for you.

Okay, so why the hell would you agree to be his best man?

What was I supposed to do?

The guy's got no friends

and all his male relatives are dead.

Okay. You know, this isn't actually that funny

to people with working hearts.

And the...

The thought of you throwing him a bachelor party.

What's so funny about that?

What are you gonna do?

Dress up as your favorite "Star Trek" characters

and play D&D all night?

Whatever. Wait a second.

Isn't there a strip joint across the street?

The Golden Rail? We can take Murray there for lunch.

Can I come?

Yes. What am I gonna do, go with him alone?

Well, you know, three isn't much of a party.

Oh!

I'm so sorry.

Uh, Stu?

I'm gonna need you for a lunch meeting at around 12:30.

Okay? Bring cash.

I brought my lunch. They're noodles.

It seems I'm the fifth hottest lawyer in the city.

Fifth? I would've had you at third probably.

No. There's a web poll on HotLILF.com

and somehow I'm on it. Fifth.

LILF? What is...

Oh! I like that.

So what are we upset about?

The, uh, the poll itself or the ranking?

No, I'm upset about the fact that

I'm not being taken seriously.

Aw, you're so cute when you get angry.

Sam, I'm one of the hardest working lawyers at this firm.

And not only am I realizing

that my former relationship with a partner

was the real reason my career was advancing,

but then I have to endure reading stuff like this

on the internet.

Wow.

"Nice headlights, but a stick so far up her ass,

she gets splinters when she blows her nose."

That's just not funny.

You know, I heard about

your little strip club lunch for Murray today.

I'm offended.

Robin, come on.

It's tradition to degrade women

before a man makes the ultimate commitment to one.

I'm not upset that you're going to a strip joint.

I'm upset that you guys didn't include me.

- You want to go? - Yeah.

Well, that's cool. I mean, I'm okay with it.

So, yeah. Cool, cool.

Good.

No.

HotLILF.com.

Yes, I understand the situation.

Come on, let's go watch women objectify themselves

for our entertainment.

No, no. I appreciate the call.

Yes, thank you for your time.

Ah, that was my mother.

That's how you talk to your mother?

Yeah. You should see how I talk to your mother.

Leave my mother out of this

and I'll leave this outta your mother.

Hey, just get off mothers. I just got off yours.

Touche.

Anyway, look, my dad's coming today

for his annual checkup visit.

I don't think it's a good idea for me to be AWOL

when the big guy gets here.

No, no, Clark! You have to come.

Naked women, high heels.

Robin's coming.

Oh my God. What if she gets a lap dance?

You see? Just tell Daddy Warbucks

you had to leave the office for a client meeting.

Yeah. Yeah, that sounds simple enough.

How's the heir to my throne doing today?

Hey, Dad.

Hello, sir. How you doing?

Ah, my apologies. I have to go.

I have, uh, a polo match in a few minutes.

I'll see you at the, uh...

Is he a heb or a wob? I can never remember.

All right, gentlemen,

let's put our hands together for Venus Flytrap.

Thank you very much, Venus.

Next on stage, Ivanka.

Just kidding. I'm just kidding.

Just kidding, just kidding.

Hey Robin, uh, congratulations on placing fifth

in that hottest lawyers poll.

I thought you looked very nice in that, uh, picture

where you're lying on your desk. Huh?

Uh, that photo was doctored.

Robin, don't be embarrassed of your gifts.

We're all friends here.

Ew.

And by the way, Murray,

that poll objectifies hardworking, intelligent women

and there's no way I should have placed fifth

with some of those fatties ahead of me.

I actually voted for you to be third.

Uh, round of prairie flowers for the table.

You want any lunch with your liquor?

Sam, I am done with being Miss Goodie Two Shoes.

Where the hell has it gotten me?

Onto HotLILF.com.

It's stands for Hot Lawyers I'd Like To...

Anyway, are you sure you wanna be drinking this much

at lunch on a workday?

Pfft, whatever.

Sam Caponelli?

Yeah?

It's me.

Lena Lang.

Lena? Oh my God, Lena!

I'm sorry. I didn't recognize you.

You were out of context.

Come here.

Oh, wow. My God.

Oh, oh!

Look at you. Have you been working out?

Uh, no. Actually I try to move as little as possible.

When did you cut your hair?

Oh.

Oh, these are some people.

Hi, I'm Lena.

Enchante.

Sammy and I went to law school together.

Actually we dated for a while.

But just a while.

You used have this gorgeous, long, beautiful hair.

Like Fabio?

Fabio?

Oh, you wanna sit down? Are you allowed to?

- Absolutely. - Yeah.

Ooh!

Are you a stripper?

Murray. Hi.

Tickle, tickle.

I'm just kidding.

Lena...

Jesus Christ. 20 years ago this place was all Jews.

Now you got every color of the rainbow in here.

Yeah. Equal opportunity's a bitch.

Look at this. Hey, Ahmed, what are you. Persian?

Yes, Persian. Yes.

Hey, I'll sell you some carpet.

Maybe a couple of kittens, huh?

There is no more Persia, you dumb shit!

You embarrass yourself.

I hate to cut this short,

but I have to be at a closing across town in half an hour.

Maybe we can do lunch sometime.

Well, looky here.

How you doing, you senile, hook-nuzzled bastard?

Not bad, you pastrami-on-white-bread-eating Nazi schmuck.

What brings you here?

Well, I'm here to visit Junior,

but apparently you're keeping him so busy,

we gotta cut it short.

Nonsense.

There's always time for a family at Fagen & Harrison.

I'll take care of Junior's work thing.

Let's go have a Schnapps in my office.

Beautiful.

I can't believe that you quit law school

and became a dancer.

That surprises you? After the weekend we had in Vegas?

Oh yeah, I remember that. That was, uh...

Fucking crazy.

So Lena,

I see you're donning a lovely pair

of the typical porn star clear-heeled shoes.

Is that part of the uniform

or, you know, just a personal choice?

As a matter of fact, Robin, is it?

Um, I designed them myself

and they're selling like hot cakes

at all the downtown boutiques.

You should pick yourself up a pair.

Oh, come to think of it.

I don't think we make them that big.

Excuse me?

Another round.

Robin.

Look, I am sorry if I offended you in any way

with the whole HotLILF.com thing.

See, I thought you'd be flattered, baby.

I mean, all of my chatroom friends voted for you.

Yeah, that's great, Murray. Thousands of tech geeks

masturbating to my picture on the internet.

Yeah, that's every little girl's dream.

- Yeah? - Excuse me?

Um, Sam? - Yeah?

I think the best man should get Murray a lap dance, huh?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh yeah!

Ooh, Murray's so horny.

Ugh.

Hi there.

Son, I gotta tell you,

you've got a hell of a lot of hot ass in your hallways here.

Yeah. Well, gee, Dad, it's, uh...

It's awful swell of you stop by.

I got a lot of work to do though, so...

I'll talk to you about something. Sit down.

You've done very well here at Fagen's

over the last few years.

You've shown me you've got the Claxton edge,

unlike your idiot brother with all that "Free Tibet" shit.

Yeah, Dad. Fuck Tibet.

I'm not screwing around here, son.

Sorry.

Anyway,

what I'm trying to say is I've made a major decision.

I want you to come and work for me at Claxton Worldwide.

I'm gonna groom you to take over the empire.

That's good. That's good.

Huh?

Huh?

Wait a second. Murray hasn't come back from his lap dance.

Well, he's gone to a better place, Sam.

Yeah. Listen, Stu, go find him for me, okay?

If he's still back there,

he could be running me a serious tab.

I am your bitch.

Hey.

♪ Good time hangin' with my friends ♪

You know, it's pretty obvious

you still have the hots for Sam.

It's kind of pathetic

the way you're trying to throw yourself at him.

Any more pathetic than having the hots for him

and not doing anything about it?

Whatever.

And, I mean,

what chance do you really think you have with him?

It's like you're a stripper.

What chance do you think you really have with him?

It's like you're a lawyer.

Pfft.

Yummy.

Okay. You have got to get over here.

I ran into this girl I went to law school with

and she's a stripper now and she was all over me.

And Robin is completely wasted.

Oh, and fuckin' Murray.

Murray went into the back room like half an hour ago

to get a lap dance and nobody's seen him since.

My hip, my hip.

What's going on with Pappy?

Oh, nothing much.

You know, we walked around, offended some minorities,

and, oh yeah, my dad offered to bring me in

to take over the family conglomerates.

I'm not screwing around here.

Oh my God. You're serious.

Dead serious.

Well, what did you say to him?

Well, I...

I laughed and then he went to pee again.

You're not seriously considering this, are you?

I mean, is there gonna be anybody

for you to play with over there?

Look, I gotta go. My dad's back.

I hear I'm hitting on my secretary.

Well, all right. Get over here.

What part of the city do you live in?

Bet you're an eastender. Am I...

See you later.

Okay, son. I thought about it and here's the thing.

You are a horse's ass if you turn down this job.

What are you gonna do? Spank me?

Do what you want. The answer's still no.

You are gonna turn down

an executive vice president position

at a Fortune 100 company.

Hmm. Let me think about that.

Hmm, yes. Yes I am.

See Dad, we spent four hours together

Thanksgiving and Christmas

and were ready to club each other to death

with turkey parts.

It's different. It's business.

I think you're overestimating our potential for change.

Sorry.

Jesus Christ. The answer's still no.

Shit. Always works with your mother.

My God. You are one stiff bitch.

Oh.

This coming from a woman

who's something between a Hooters waitress and a hooker.

You know what, Sammy?

I think I'm gonna be requiring your legal services

to help out with my fashion business.

Oh, really?

And as a retainer,

I am gonna give you a lap dance. Ow!

Is this awesome or what?

Hey babe, you're an next on stage.

Don't anyone move. I'm gonna be right back.

Yeah!

Well, maybe your brother's not so bad, huh?

He was on the dean's list at Harvard Business

before he discovered dope.

You hang on to that dream, Dad.

I don't understand your bullshit generation

always trying to follow your dream and trying to be happy.

Yeah. No, we're a...

We're a sick and twisted bunch.

You are.

Well, how's this meeting of the Freemasons shaping up?

Well, Morty, I gotta congratulate you.

Junior here just turned down a dream job

coming to work for me to be with you.

You must be running one hell of a show here.

Whatever. But it sounds like cause for celebration.

I know a place

where they serve the best chicken wings in town.

Let's get out of this shithole.

Come on, let's do it.

Chicken wings? Jesus.

Guess I'll order the suicide.

All right, all right. What the hell is going on in here?

See that?

They wouldn't let me in there

unless I was a paying customer.

Yeah. So I had to get a lap dance.

Okay...

Yeah, I had to get a lap dance.

And now the reason you've both been back there

for the last hour?

It's impossible to tell where one song ends

and then the other one begins.

I don't think you're gonna have to pay for my girl.

She seemed really into me.

She liked him. She liked him a lot.

Do you remember when she put the...

Mm. Ow.

Hey Sam, you know it's $20 a song?

Yeah. I knew that, Stu.

Sam? You have opened a whole new world to me.

I'm not even sure if I even want to get married even.

Oh, wow. That's...

You the best man?

Uh, that depends on how you look at it.

Hey, good to see you again.

You know you owe us two grand.

$2,000?

$2,000?!

Well, uh...

Well, as you see...

Listen, ladies, I'm a lawyer. All right?

And I happen to know

that these guys only wanted one lap dance.

Now, for you... - Is there a problem here?

Do you take Visa?

Oh yeah! Cougar on the loose!

I can do your job, bitch!

What the fuck?

Let's see if you can draw up

a unanimous shareholders agreement, huh?

Well, all right!

♪ Raise a little hell, raise a little hell ♪

♪ Raise a little hell

Oh yeah. Woo!

Yeah!

♪ Raise a little hell, raise a little hell ♪

♪ Raise a little hell

♪ Raise a little hell

So this is where you're taking us?

Why? They have great wings.

And if you come at six, there's a buffet.

Uh, so Dad, you wanna say hi to some of my colleagues?

- 2,000 bucks. - Go sit down.

Only the one on stage.

Get out of here.

You're the man, Stu!

No, you, funky breath man! You're a man.

Yeah, I'll pop on.

Okay, okay.

You're heavy.

You're the best friend guy ever had.

You are lovely!

- Ooh. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You all right?

All right?

Oh? - You...

- Me? - Sammy.

Yeah? Ow, okay.

- You're cute. - Oh, thanks.

Aw, I wish I had a camera.

You're sticking around, huh?

Working for my father ranks right up there

with ass cancer and, uh, telemarketing.

I knew you couldn't leave me.

I don't think I like where this conversation's going,

so I'm, uh, I'm just gonna go home, okay?

And you enjoy yourselves.

Play safe. Have her home by midnight.

Go fuck yourself.

Hey.

Hey.

Big afternoon, huh?

Oh, hey. No, it's...

It's cool. It's okay.

It's all good.

Oh, it's not good.

Oh, oh, oh!

Mother of God! Ugh!

Well, Venus, where are you going? Venus?

Song's not done yet.

I got money.

Baby, why you gotta be like that?

♪ Raise a little hell, raise a little hell ♪

♪ Raise a little hell

Well, this is nice.

♪ Raise a little hell

♪ Raise a little hell, raise a little hell ♪

♪ Raise a little hell

♪ Raise a little hell, raise a little hell ♪

♪ Raise a little hell

♪ If you don't like what you got ♪

♪ Why don't you change it

♪ If your world is all screwed up ♪

♪ Rearrange it

♪ Raise a little hell