Original subtitles

Mm, mm.

I'm an amazing human being.

I can take my coat off

without putting my coffee down.

I have extraordinary powers of bowel control.

Every morning after my second cup of coffee,

I'm ready to go,

but I don't,

I wait.

In fact, I often restrain function for several hours

before relieving myself.

Interesting.

Well, what can I say,

I'm a gifted man.

Well, as impressed as I am,

I don't think it's in your best interest

to do that.

Why not?

Well, I dated this girl

who's into Chinese medicine,

she told me that a lot of chronic illnesses

can be traced to bowel abuse.

- Huh? - She was a dancer.

Bowel abuse?

Yeah, see the Chinese believe

that one must respect the bowel.

The minute one feels the having to go sensation,

one must act

or risk doing permanent damage

to one's inner self.

Well, that's not good.

I love dancers,

I wonder if I still have her number?

It's all fucking Fagen's fault.

I mean, the guy's the founding partner of the firm,

he has his own private bathroom,

and still, every morning

he goes to our bathroom

and he releases something so ungodly,

the smell lingers there

for like an hour and a half.

Yeah, I know,

it's like tear gas,

but there's, you know,

there's the handicap bathroom

just 10 feet away,

just use that one.

What?

I, I can't, Clark,

I can't believe you would suggest

using the handicap bathroom.

I mean, you don't actually do that,

do you, Clark?

You do? - Yeah.

I wouldn't even consider

using the handicap washroom,

it's like, it's common decency, man.

Well, if you'll excuse me,

I'm off to use the handi-crapper.

Handi-crapper,

that's good.

♪ One, two, three, four

♪ All hail the working man

♪ He's got the world in his hands ♪

♪ All hail the working man

♪ Whose work is never done

♪ Way-oh, way-oh-oh

♪ Way-oh, way-oh

♪ Huh

♪ I am the working man

♪ Through the night

♪ Til the morning sun

♪ I am the working man

♪ Whose work is never done

♪ Way-oh, way-oh

♪ Hey, hey

♪ Way-oh, hey

♪ We are the working man

♪ Always there for every man

♪ We are the working man

♪ Whose work is never done

♪ All hail the working man

♪ Whose long day has just begun ♪

♪ All hail the working man

♪ It's never frigging done

Ah.

Fagen still in there?

Can't you see the tears in my eyes?

Yeah.

Hmm, so use this one.

I don't know,

I don't know. - Listen, man,

it's not that big a deal,

there's no handicapped people on this floor,

there's no handicapped people in the firm.

Christ, hey, you're lucky if you see

a minority or a woman,

use the bathroom.

Trust me, c'mon,

your colon will be thankful.

Yeah.

Can you stand watch

in case anybody comes?

Hey, who's your homeboy?

C'mon, give 'em hell.

Wow, spacious.

Sturdy.

Nice.

It's my bathroom!

Clark, what are you doing?

This is my bathroom!

It's my bathroom! - Great,

now I can't go!

This is my bathroom!

Oh, fuck.

Will you shut up,

you fucking retard!

Oh, uh...

So, didn't you love last night?

What happened last night?

Firm event,

"Phantom of the Opera"?

You sat next to me.

Oh yeah,

uh, no, I didn't.

What, why?

"Phantom of the Opera" is one the-

Stupid.

No, it's not,

it's one of the- - Stupid,

musicals are stupid.

They're like these bad plays

where every so often,

for no apparent reason,

everyone breaks out into a shitty song.

Well, I like the epic-ness of the score.

- It was stupid! - Oh, and that voice-

Oh, please.

♪ I am the phantom

♪ I have, uh, half a mask

♪ And a cape

♪ And, oh no, a chandelier

♪ Ah - Oh, it wasn't like that.

♪ Oh, Christine

♪ How I love that bra - Okay, stop that.

You!

You abandoned me in my time of need.

♪ How was your crap, Sam

When you left me alone,

some disabled kid started banging on the door.

I was sure it was you screwing around

so I yelled at him

and I, I called him a, oh...

You were, you were supposed to stand guard!

♪ I don't believe you

No, I'm serious.

He was like,

he was like, "My bathroom!

My bathroom!" - That's him!

That's the bad man from the bathroom.

- Oh, uh- - Everyone,

let me introduce my grand nephew, Bruce.

He's visiting the firm this morning,

so his great uncle Mortie can help him

with his bar mitzvah lessons.

Sam, did you verbally accost this young man

when he asked you to vacate

the special needs bathroom?

Really, Sam?

No, Cam, listen,

I would never do something like that.

That's just tasteless.

Will you shut up?

Oh, I'm sorry,

everyone who just accosted

a disabled kid in the bathroom,

please raise your hand.

Sam, that's you.

- Cam, I'm sorry. - Sam, come with me,

we need to have a sit down.

Let's go, young man,

I'll race you to my office.

I'll give you a head start, ha-ha!

Woo!

My money's on the kid.

Oh, dear God.

Well, Sam, here we are again,

you've really outdone yourself this time.

What do you have to say for yourself?

Look, Cam, I'm sorry,

I, I already explained the misunderstanding.

Well, you don't seem sorry,

so tell me,

what are your feelings about this incident?

Feelings?

Uh, I'm concerned.

What are you concerned about?

Well, about the fact

that before all this started,

I was about to relieve myself

and now with all the excitement,

it's kinda gone into remission.

That's it?

Don't you have anything else to say?

I don't know how I end up

being the bad guy in all this,

I'm like the only person in the firm

who doesn't use the handicap bathroom

and the one time Clark convinces me

that it's okay,

all hell breaks loose,

and another thing,

I never would've said what I said

if I knew Bruce was out there.

My second cousin,

he's one of those kids with, uh,

what do you call it

when they all kinda look the same?

Down syndrome?

Yeah, Down syndrome,

and man, we had a lot of fun

growing up together.

Him and his little buddies,

they were very affectionate.

Hell, I love retarded people.

Negro, no longer appropriate,

broad, when referring to women,

not appropriate,

midget, when referring to little people,

inappropriate,

Oriental, when not referring

to works of art, flavors or rugs,

no longer appropriate.

You know, the phantom held it together pretty well

considering everything,

don't you think?

How do you mean?

Well, I mean, he's all deformed and shit

from that fire or whatever,

he lives alone in the basement of an opera house,

he's friendless.

You sing all your dialogue

for the next two weeks

and see if you don't end up alone and friendless.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

And so I guess I have to be more understanding

when it comes to people's allergies

in the workplace.

Very good, George.

As we all know,

the first step is admitting you have a problem.

Once we've done that,

we're well on our way to building a triple C.

Everybody?

Compassionate corporate culture.

Andy, what brings you to our class?

Well, I, I suppose I have a problem

staring at people.

I, I'm told that I look at people too much

and for too long.

That's good.

Andy, uh, you've identified your problem

and that means you're well on your way

to solving it,

and Sam, what brings you to our class today?

Oh, uh, I don't know why I'm here.

It, it, it was just a misunderstanding,

you see, a colleague suggested I use

the handicap bathroom on our-

Excuse me, Sam,

we don't use that word here.

The correct term is differently-abled.

Seriously?

Yes, seriously.

Oh, well, when did that happen?

When did we lose handicapped?

Sam, please don't use the H word.

Okay, I'm sorry,

I don't wanna offend anybody,

it's just that handicapped,

I mean, what's so bad about handicapped?

- Sam! - I mean,

I know it as a stigma,

but I mean, think about it,

isn't it possible that any word we use

to describe handicapped people

will eventually acquire a stigma?

Sam, this is your final warning.

And don't you think this focus on language

has been blown so completely out of proportion

to the point of absurdity?

I mean, you're ruining perfectly good

English language words.

Can you stop staring at me?

Well, Sam, it's obvious

you don't have any respect for me

or the principles of this class.

Wow.

Wow, you people, you're,

you're so sensitive.

You people?

I see.

Sam, are you insinuating something

about my sexual orientation?

No!

No, not you people, gay people,

you people, PC nuts.

Perhaps I have room for you

in my more advanced group.

Okay, last warning, seriously.

♪ The above warranties do not apply ♪

♪ To materials provided by purchaser to vendor ♪

Woo. - This is good,

this is never gonna get old.

See, you can't not love "Phantom".

Eh, it's my turn.

Okay.

♪ Mm, therefore the vendor hereby agrees ♪

♪ To the following

Wonderful, my boy, wonderful.

Oh, uh, thanks.

Those were the vocal gymnastics

of a trained hazzan,

am I right? - Well-

Don't be modest,

you have talent, my boy.

I haven't heard such a cantor

since I was a little pisha

living in the old neighborhood.

Well, how about that?

But actually- - Don't be bashful,

one must celebrate one's talents to the fullest.

I implore you,

help me turn young Bruce here into a man.

Excuse me?

He's got a bar mitzvah coming up,

and I would be honored

if you would help him with his lessons.

- But I'm not Jew- - And for your time,

I insist you accept this box of mun cookies

my wife baked this weekend.

Mun cookies?

Come, my boy,

you have been bestowed a great honor today.

I think Bruce is a lech.

What are you talking about?

I'm pretty sure he groped me this morning.

Robin, that's impossible,

he's just a little crippled kid.

You are filled with rage!

Close your eyes,

all of you.

Now with your eyes closed,

I want you all to look inward.

Ask yourself,

"Why am I so angry?"

Concentrate on your breathing,

if you breathe like a relaxed human being,

you will be a relaxed human being.

Close your eyes.

Uh, uh, I'm sorry,

but I really have to go to the bathroom.

Close your eyes.

No, listen, ah,

the train has already left the station.

Close your eyes!

These are pretty good,

you want one?

Those are shit.

Okay, don't like the cookies.

So, your, uh,

your bar mitzvah's coming up, huh?

That's pretty cool, man.

You excited?

- Do you masterbate? - Uh, hah, hmm.

Bruce, it's, it's very normal

for a kid your age

to start having the urge

to start spreading the seed, okay?

Just do it in the bathroom

like everyone else, all right?

So, yes, lessons.

Where do we start here?

Oh, actually, you know,

"Ten Commandments" was on TV the other night,

you like Moses?

- That movie's shit. - Yeah,

not a film fan, huh?

What's up with that chick Robin?

Robin?

I don't know what I like better,

her boobs or her ass.

Hi, Cam, got a second?

If it's really just a second, Robin,

what's up?

Well, it's kind of a, a delicate matter.

- Robin- - Hmm.

Right.

I, I mean, it's, it's also sort of, um,

of a sexual nature.

Robin, workplace harassment has existed

for too long in society,

mainly because women have been too afraid

to come forward when it's happened to them.

Now tell me,

who did this to you?

Well, it was...

I, I mean, I'm, I'm not sure he meant it.

They all mean it, Robin,

just tell me who it was.

It was, ah,

it was Bruce?

Okay, I'm sorry,

I know it's like, uh, nap time or whatever,

but a, a, a good friend of mine

was told by a dancer

that the Chinese believe

you should respect the bowel.

Why do you assume I'm Chinese?

I didn't assume you were Chinese,

but you are Chinese.

That's beside the point,

you assumed I was Chinese

just because I'm Asian.

Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa. I didn't,

I didn't assume anything,

but if you wanna get into it,

when, when you introduced yourself to us,

you told us you were from Beijing

and the last time I checked

Beijing was in China

and I can't see why somebody from China

can't be called Chinese,

even though I didn't call you Chinese.

Where the hell do you think you're going?

I am gonna go upstairs to my favorite bathroom

where I'm gonna take a big, steaming dump.

♪ Hey

Ah, ah, here we go.

See, Bruce, it says here that sexual desire

comes from the yetzer hara,

the so-called evil impulse.

Bet you I could get Robin

to do it with me,

she's kinda slutty.

All right,

don't talk that way about Robin.

Why?

Have you done it with her?

Bruce, that's beside the point-

I'll bet you have.

I'll bet you everybody here has.

Look, I'm serious, little man,

if you don't stop that trash talk right now-

Ooh,

check out that bitch's sweet ass.

Where do you think you're going?

We're not done here.

We are not, whoa, whoa!

Ooh, oh man.

Mr. Fagen-

I'm off to the little boys room,

make it quick. - Ah, yeah, uh,

those cookies you gave me,

are they, um,

I mean, ah, what is mun exactly?

Never touch the damn things,

make me crap like a goose.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit, ah, God!

Ah, um.

Hey, come back here!

Okay, come back here!

Where do you think you're going?

- Bathroom. - No, you don't!

I work alone! - Oh, jeez.

Ah!

Ah, ah-ah, fuck!

Ah, ah.

Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh!

Err, ah!

Err, err. - Uh!

Uh, ah!

No!

♪ No-o-o-o-o

Uh!

Clark!

You are a sick, little man!

What the hell is wrong with you people?

Come on, son, get up.

This poor boy falls to the ground

and not one of you offers to help him up?

And you!

You scream at him that he's sick!

Well, I'll tell you who's sick,

you're all sick!

Who's the Chinaman?

This is the highest existing level

of sensitivity training,

it is a place for those who are truly lacking

in fundamental social skills.

Now, our first topic is common decency,

please pass them along.

Could you pass these over

to the colored fella?

What?

My bathroom?

This is my bathroom!

My bathroom!

This is my bathroom!

What are you doing, Clark?

Wow, Cam, it's, uh-

Lighten up, Caponelli.

- Uh- - Wow.

- Sorry, go ahead. - Yeah, excuse me.

Mm-hm, mm-hm.

Oh, good God.

Oh, my God, that's-

She should really see a doctor.

- Really smelly, wow. - Well use the, huh,

use the regular bathroom.

- No, no, no. - Why not?

Once you go handi-crapper,

you never go back.

Okay, whatever,

you just, you know,

you shouldn't hold it in,

it's, uh, it's bad for you.

I heard that somewhere. - Thanks.

Phew.

Not if you paid me.