Original subtitles

Okay, check this out.

It's the firm's new automated mail cart.

It follow the scent along a path they spray on the carpet.

Whenever it gets an assistant's cubicle,

they just take their mail out

and it keeps on going, observe.

Nice.

Hey, it looks like you're getting a little thin up top, man.

Fuck off.

Guys, you're supposed to help me

with the Fallinger leases.

Sam, you were supposed to give me a midterm evaluation

last week.

Oh, okay.

Well, uh, you're doing a hell of a job and keep it up.

Thank you, mentor.

Uh, guys, hello.

Help, leases.

Yeah, I can help you out with the leases.

Fine, just meet me in my office in 15 minutes.

Is Stu in love?

She, she is wonderful, but, oh, she's so outta my league.

Maybe you just need to be more confident, man.

Look, for whatever reason, chicks dig lawyers.

Stu, you're a lawyer, technically.

Look, I got something that's perfect for you.

What, Pledge?

This is a can of synthetic pheromones, Stu.

As you probably know,

pheromones are the chemicals released by humans,

which produces the odor that attracts the opposite sex.

So you mean women?

Yeah.

Okay, thanks, Clark, but.

No, Stu, that's some powerful shit.

I've seen it in action,

but don't take my word for it, my man.

Anoint yourself with the juice.

Okay.

Smells minty.

Come on, man, get it all over.

No need to be shy.

The women certainly won't be.

There you go.

Nice.

Thanks, guys.

You guys are awesome.

Yeah, you're definitely thinning up top.

♪ One, two, three, four

♪ All hail the working man

♪ He's got the world in his hand ♪

♪ All hail the working man

♪ The work is never done

♪ Wayo-ayo, wayo-ayo

♪ I am the working man

♪ Through the night to the morning sun ♪

♪ I am the working man

♪ The work is never done

♪ Wayo-Ayo, Wayo-ay

♪ We are the working man

♪ And always there with a helping hand ♪

♪ We are the working man

♪ The job is never done

♪ All hail the working man

♪ When all the work has just begun ♪

♪ All hail the working man

♪ It's never freaking done

Ooh, this is new.

You would be referring to the yamaka?

I would.

Yeah, well, Clark, you see.

It's my opinion that in these uncertain times,

not enough people turn to a spiritual higher power

for guidance.

I've recently experienced a religious rebirth.

This wouldn't have anything to do with your impending

kojak-like baldness, would it?

Okay, how could you even suggest that you thing?

Okay, all right, whatever.

So look, Scam Publishing's going on the block.

We need to get over there and set up the data room.

How's tonight for you?

Gut yontif, my boy.

Happy Shemini Atzeret.

What are you still doing here?

You should be getting ready for shul.

Oh, of course.

Happy Shemini Atzeret to you too, sir.

Unfortunately, Clark here was just telling me

that we have to work tonight.

On the night our people commemorate the preparation

for the receiving of the sacred Torah?

Not in my fucking law firm.

Oh God.

I can feel the Holy Spirit protecting me right now.

I can sense it.

Yeah.

Hey, Sam.

What's up?

I rescheduled that Scam Publishing thing for tonight.

- Ooh. - What?

Well, you see tonight is Simchat Torah,

the Jewish Festival to commemorate the actual receiving

of the Torah.

So I'm gonna be out till I guess next week.

I thought you were agnostic.

Oh, I've always been very spiritual, Clark.

You know that.

I mean, it's just the, it's the form

of expression that's changed.

Hmm, and aren't you only half Jewish?

If you're referring to the fact that my father happens

to be Roman Catholic, then yes,

but if one's mother is Jewish,

then one is considered 100% Jewish under Talmudic law.

Hmm, actually, I am referring to the fact

that you're using your mongrel blood to get off work.

Wow, that is a low blow.

That, where do you get, you know what?

That settles it for me, Clark.

I've always had my suspicions about you.

Now that hurt.

Hey, Robin.

Hi.

Got this files that you needed.

I figured we should probably talk about them in private.

Okay, they look pretty good.

I'll get back to you if there are any problems.

Great, that sounds good.

So if there's anything else.

Do you smell something?

I don't know.

What do you think you smell?

Smells kind of like my uncle.

Do you like the smell?

What, the smell of my uncle?

Okay, Stuey's got a lot of work.

Are you feeling okay, Stu?

Yeah, if you need anything at all, Robin,

anything, you just call Stu.

Okay.

And so as my proposal indicates,

I aim to rectify this inequity that has existed for years

whereby Jewish lawyers are allowed

to take off Christian holidays,

but Christian lawyers in turn are not allowed

to take off Jewish holidays.

Uh-huh, well, I guess I need to talk

to the management committee and possibly meet

with a religious consultant of sorts.

Absolutely, consult away.

I understand completely.

So you like cats, huh?

Yes, I like cats.

Look, Clark, as enlightening as this has been,

I need to focus on a few non-religious matters right now.

Right.

Bless you, Cam.

Heard about your policy change attempt.

My condolences.

Touche, my good man.

It was a stroke of genius, getting your cousin Sydney

to be the religious consultant that Cam conferred

with on the matter.

Well, he is a reform rabbi.

Well, whatever he is he put a quick end to my plans.

No hard feelings, I hope.

No, no, no, no, no.

We hope to conduct prayers after the lecture.

Hey, Sam, if you'll join us, we'll have enough for a minyan.

What?

Shalom, Doug.

You see, Sam, a minyan as a group of 10 men,

the minimum required for Jewish prayer.

You see, the management committee has agreed

to let all converting lawyers take off Jewish holidays.

Yeah, so naturally I started my own conversion class

right here at the firm.

Is that my cousin giving the lecture?

Sydney.

He's a good man.

You don't say.

I do say.

That cat really knows his Leviticus.

Well, it's very important

that you know the Shma, folks.

The Shma is very important.

It's gotta be one of the top ten.

Let me give you a little sing

and then we'll sing it all together.

Yeah, all right, Gentiles.

Let's get Jewish.

Sydney, take us to the river.

Sam, we need to talk about the Pearlmutter deal.

Sam, hello.

Hey, Robin.

Have you noticed anything weird about Stu lately?

Clark is totally outta control.

I mean, the kid's really starting to freak me out, Sam.

He's acting like a crazy person.

Crazy person.

Yeah.

Maxine, it's Sam.

Can you put me through to Mr. Fagen?

Clark, how's conversion class going?

Well played, my good man, well played.

Yeah, what can I say?

It's a gift.

Once you told Fagen about the class,

he decided to take an active role,

and with the promise of his endless stories about the Shtetl

in Hebrew school, all the students dropped out immediately.

Oh no, that's terrible.

Yeah, all of the students except one.

Ready to go, my young pupil?

Yes, sir.

I'll meet you in my office in 10 minutes.

Okay, sorry, Sam.

I won't be able to go to Scam Publishing

with you this afternoon.

It's Tu B'Shvat.

Tu B'sh-what?

Tu B'shvat, you know, the Jewish Festival of Trees.

Oh, I knew that.

No you didn't.

Though it doesn't generally warrant a day off,

Mr. Fagen asked me to attend at a conservation area

outside the city with him in honor

of this wonderful holiday. - Right.

I'll be outta the office for the rest of the day.

Yeah, I guess that means you're working

this Scam Publishing thing by yourself, huh?

And Moses thanked Elijah for the bag of magic beans

and up the beanstalk he went.

Now young man, your conversion is coming

along pretty nicely, I think.

You're enthusiastic, committed,

and you look very fetching in a yamaka.

Thank you, Mr. Fagen.

Now I have a request to make of you.

Every year, I have a large Passover Seder

with guests coming from far away lands

to have some edishevits and a little bit of a notch.

This year, I would be pleased if you would take care

of the invitations for this event.

Sir, I'd be honored.

Of course, you would be.

Invite all the Jewish members of the firm.

- Even Lipschitz? - Even Lipschitz,

and make sure they all take their shoes off.

Stu, what are you doing

with this thing?

No one in my section is getting any of their mail.

Is there something that Stu can do for you?

What?

Yes, give me my mail.

It's your mail.

Give it to me, give it to me.

You can just have anything you want.

I want everyone to get their fucking mail.

Can I have that?

Well, just consider it done then, babe.

What is going on out there?

- You mean? - Yeah.

You know women.

Are you still using the pheromones?

Oh yeah.

Stu, aren't you wondering why the mail cart's been

following you around for five days?

Well, Sam, it's a small price to pay for the effect

that this stuff has on the ladies.

Anyway, what I came to ask you about was what kind

of gift I should bring to Fagen's Seder.

I'm pretty stoked about it,

and apparently Mrs. Fagen imports a brisket from Poland

that just melt in your punim.

Fagen's Seder, the invitations aren't even out yet.

Oh, sure they are.

Yeah, I got my evite from Clark this morning.

Clark.

Now my secretary pointed out to me that one

of the Jewish lawyers did not receive an invitation

to this year's festivities,

which I assume must have been an oversight.

Ah, yes, that would be Sam, Sir.

That's no mistake.

It's actually a bit of a long story.

You bastard.

Hold on, sir, one sec.

I don't know who you think you are,

Mr. Born again wasp super Jew, but I've had it.

You're a fraud, and you've taken things too far.

Well, just calm down, Sam.

No, no, I will not calm down.

How dare you exclude me

from my own people's religious traditions.

How dare you try and deprive me of the best fucking piece

of meat I've ever had, Clark.

Well, Sam, I hate to be the one to have to bring this up,

but I saw you in the kitchen the other day drinking milk

less than five hours after eating a burger.

Will you stop with the Jewish shit?

God.

Sorry you had to hear that, sir.

Who was that?

Was that Sam?

I'm afraid it was, sir.

Never in my life have I heard such disrespect

for our people.

I find it absolutely shocking.

I appreciate your efforts, young man,

but why are you delivering my mail?

For the love of a woman, ma'am?

For love of a.

How are you?

But I think I know why I didn't receive

an invitation, sir.

You see, Clark and I have been having a little bit

of a tiff lately and--

No mistake was made.

I heard you in Clark's office earlier today

degrading your own people.

Degrading my own people.

No, sir.

I don't know what you heard, sir, but come on.

Come on, you and me, we have a history.

Enough, I'd rather eat a bunt cake in a brothel

than have in my own house, at my own Seder,

a self-hating Jew.

You know, I might hate myself,

but it's not because I'm Jewish.

Okay, Clark is totally outta line with this religion thing.

He refuses to do any drafting for the seven weeks

of Shavuots and get this, he's taken me

off the invitation list for the big Passover Seder.

Oh yeah.

I'm going to that.

Excuse me?

You're not even Jewish.

I'm sorry.

It's not my fault.

For whatever reason, Stu kind of made it his mission

to get Clark to put me on the list,

and even though the kid's been totally freaking me out,

I have been dying to try that Polish brisket everyone

is talking about.

Yeah, well then, I mean, I guess that's it.

I gotta write Clark off.

I mean, taking me off the list in favor of a shiksa.

I have no best friend.

That doesn't matter, right?

I mean, I don't need him.

I've got other friends that I can hang out with,

like you, Robin.

You want to go downstairs and grab some lunch?

No.

Wow, wow, 10 real oranges in every carton, that's awesome.

It's weird, though.

I've heard that citrus is very phlegm-inducing, phlem .

Okay, this is my impression of Christopher Walken doing his

impression of John Trevolta.

Mr. Carter, it's weird.

I'm like powder.

I got special powers.

It's a phenomenon.

This is my impression of my neighbor's dog, watch.

You know how dogs do that?

They kind of, they're into one thing

and then they, okay, cool.

I'm going to be back in half an hour.

We'll go have dinner.

Stu, I need you.

I can't take any more of Sam's friendship,

so you have to get him to stop.

Sorry, one sec.

Robin, you had your chance with Stu, and you blew it, okay?

We had some nice times with the due diligence

and the uncle smell and everything,

but Robin, all that's in the past.

I got a new girl now.

I'm sorry.

I see you haven't been circumcised.

I'm afraid that's the case, sir.

Well, it's never too late.

Abraham wasn't sniped till he was 112.

I'll make us an appointment.

Okay, I'm out.

- Game over? - Without a doubt.

So I told Fagen about your lifelong commitment

to improve the living conditions of Bolivian Jews.

There are Bolivian Jews?

Who the hell knows?

Anyway, so you're back on the list for the Seder.

Nice.

Oh, thanks,

and unfortunately, since I failed to appear

at all three appointments Fagen made for me to have the--

Peepee surgery?

Yeah, I think I'm most definitely

off the list.

Incidentally, had you gone through with the circumcision,

you probably would've had several weeks off work.

Choose the hills you die on.

Ah, but I missed you, Clarky.

I'm not the same quirky personality

without your rigid wasp ass for contrast.

And I'm not the same well-mannered society type

without your swarthy little neurotic Jew ass for contrast.

Okay, it's enough with this thing already.

Oh, you guys are friends again.

Thank God.

I mean, that's great.

Jesus, Sam, looks like you're getting a little thin up top.

You told her to say that.

I didn't tell her shit.

He told you to say that.

Hmm?

♪ Hot summer night

♪ Storm clouds in the air

♪ My eyes little heavy

♪ I'm feeling in the best pants I hardly wear ♪

♪ I don't want to