Original subtitles

All righty, people.

FYI, Management has okayed Sam Caponelli's request

that an actor by the name of Brad Masterson

be allowed to observe the workings of Fagen and Harrison.

The young thespian will be playing a lawyer

in an upcoming TV show.

Just what TV needs, another fucking lawyer show.

You really think now is the best time for this, Cam,

with the Kendall IPO?

It'll be business as usual, Robin.

Sam will play tour guide,

and I'm sure he'll keep disruptions to a minimum.

Isn't that right, Sam?

Yes.

All righty then.

Let's get back to it, people.

Hmm?

She said the Brad Masterson from the Space Monkey movie,

he come here?

Sam will be showing some stupid actor around

while the rest of us kill ourselves on the IPO.

Aw, don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful, Robin.

Oh, hey, are we still going to the Woody Allen Film Fest

on Saturday?

Of course, you're the only person I know

who likes anything after "Husbands and Wives."

So what's the deal with actor boy?

I went to high school with him.

He used to give me wedgies every morning

in front of the girls' volleyball team.

Huh, I like him already.

Yeah, our mom's bumped into each other.

The next thing I know,

my high school tormentor's calling me up

and asking me for advice.

So naturally I start thinking,

this is an opportunity for some payback.

It's good to know you can let go of things

and get on with your life.

We'll show that guy the view from my office,

the designer label on my suit,

I'm gonna show him that Sam has become the man.

And scene.

Ooh, I've been waiting for that.

♪ One, two, three, four

♪ All hail the working man

♪ He's got the world in his hand ♪

♪ All hail the working man

♪ The work is never done

♪ Way-Oh way-oh

♪ I am the working man

♪ Through the night to the morning sun ♪

♪ I am the working man

♪ The work is never done

♪ Way-Oh way-oh

♪ Way-Oh way

♪ Pray for the working man

♪ Always there with a helping hand ♪

♪ Pray for the working man

♪ The work is never done

♪ All hail the working man

♪ Another day has just begun

♪ All hail the working man

♪ Who's never freaking done

Well, Brad, welcome to one of,

if not the top law firm in the country.

You're doing a great job, honey.

This is where all you lawyer dudes figure out

how to get criminals off on technicalities, eh?

Actually, no.

Like I said on the phone, this is a corporate law firm.

We don't really do criminal law.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, totally, totally.

Hey, have you ever gone to court

and had to do like a big speech in front of a jury

and everything?

Actually, no.

Like I said, I'm a corporate lawyer.

I do stuff like, you know, IPOs, mergers and acquisitions.

Having said that, I'm pretty much the go-to guy

around here, man.

Like, I mean, this place would fucking fall apart

without me.

Hey?

Hey.

Remember in high school

when I used to put you in headlocks in the bathroom?

You used to totally freak out, man, that was so awesome.

That was, yeah, I remember that.

Did I mention I had almost every law firm in the city

begging me to work for them?

Cappuccino, I wanted to ask you something.

People don't really call me Cappuccino anymore, Brad.

How would you feel if I based my character for the TV show

on you?

Well, me, wow.

That, wow.

Yeah, man.

You're like this big time lawyer dude now.

I respect that.

Oh yeah, me and Jude Law go way back.

You know the guy's accent's totally fake?

He's from Manitoba.

Brad, didn't you work with Keanu Reeves?

Yeah, yeah, Keanu's a good guy.

Taught him Ninjitsu.

Show business.

You go, Mr. Brad.

Dynamite.

That's a good one, Brad.

That's good.

We should probably get going, though, you know?

Because you should meet some real lawyers.

And I should, was I talking?

Oh, hey Clark.

How you doing?

Look, I want you to meet an old friend of mine.

This is Brad Masterson.

Brad, Clark Claxton, one of the associates

who works under me.

What's up, buddy?

Good, yeah.

So you went to school with Sam?

Oh yeah, Cappuccino was a riot back in the day.

Oh, Cappuccino.

Yeah, yeah, there was one time

I locked him in the janitor's closet and he was.

You know what, Brad, we should go, but he's busy.

Get out, I just locked Sam in the janitor's closet

last week.

Get out.

Yeah.

Brad, whoa, we should really get going

because, you know, if you wanna see me do

some actual lawyering.

What are you talking about, Cappuccino?

You don't have any work today.

Clark, don't call me cappuccino.

See Brad, while the rest of us are killing ourselves

closing this Kendall IPO,

Sam here is enjoying a day of leisure, showing you around.

It's not cool, man.

No, it's not.

Hey, Clark, you ever had to go to court

and like do a big speech in front of a jury and everything?

Well, I'm not a litigator,

but I did go to court once as a first year

to make an ex parte motion for costs.

Partay, keow!

Nice.

Because Cappuccino here has never even been

inside a courtroom.

And what's that all about?

Well, you're not really a lawyer

until you've gone to court.

Bingo.

Bing!

Trying to kick the cancer sticks,

know what I'm saying?

Hey, Cappuccino, do me a biggie.

Go out and get me some nicotine gum?

Brad, you know what, it's commendable

that you're trying to quit smoking.

I think what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna observe Clark here

for a little while, because he seems more like

the kind of guy when be playing in the show.

Me?

Yeah.

Wow.

But.

Cappuccino, what are you still doing here?

Go out and get me some Nicobite gum.

All right, I was gonna go downstairs anyway, so.

Okay.

What's wrong with you?

Robin is making me read a box full of documents

for the Kendall IPO.

So, due diligence.

They're photocopies, Sam,

I've already reviewed the original.

She's making me read documents

to make sure that the photocopier didn't slip in

a dangerous clause somewhere.

What is it about tramps like us, Stu?

I don't know.

What makes people think they can push us around, right?

I mean, this isn't high school anymore.

It's not high school.

I don't know if to take this crap.

You don't have to take shit.

I don't have to do anything Brad Masterson tells me too.

You sing it, sister.

Who is Brad Masterson?

What's this for?

You go buy Brad his stupid nicotine gum.

Yeah, but wait.

Yeah, it's a highly competitive atmosphere,

so you gotta stay on top of your game.

Luckily, I'm intellectually superior

to the people I work with.

Nice.

Oh, hey look, it's Robin Howland.

Robin, this is star of stage and screen, Brad Masterson.

He's basing his new law show character on me.

Nice to meet you, Brad.

I'm really busy here, Clark.

Right, yes, of course you are.

That's why we're here.

Research.

Brad Masterson.

Yeah, we just did that.

Robin recently came off a long-term relationship,

so go easy on the charm.

Let go of my hand, Brando.

Thank you. Now, if you guys wouldn't mind,

I'm up to my ass in this IPO. - Ah, yes, the Kendall IPO.

Note to self, I should probably get back to that soon.

You have the most beautiful eyes that I've ever seen.

That's original.

So IPO huh?

Ipo.

Hmm.

Mm, that's peppery.

What do you got there, boy?

Nicotine gum.

I see.

No no, you're doing it all wrong.

You gotta get a big wad going.

There.

Put that in your chomper.

You guys blow me away, man.

You know, you're like the glue that holds society together.

It's intense, what do you guys do,

helping companies, keeping criminals off the streets.

What's going on?

What do you mean?

You guys all decided to have lunch

and nobody thought to invite me?

Oh, well it didn't happen like that, it just.

Oh, don't patronize me, Robin.

Okay.

I actually have to get back to work.

Au devoir.

Now that is lame.

Cappuccino, where's my nicotine gum?

Oh, I wouldn't know.

You know what?

You're, I should, you suck.

Every time.

Keow!

Ow, what the hell?

Hey, what the hell's the deal, Cappuccino?

How long ago did I ask you to get my nicotine gum?

My name is Caponelli.

Keow!

Ow, ow, ow, I have a very weak clavicle.

Oh, I'm starting to feel it now, man.

I'm getting the craving, and if I don't get my gum soon,

I'm gonna go crazy.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Easy on the little guy there.

Who's my little bitch?

Say it.

Who's my little bitch?

Fine, I'm your little bitch.

Dude.

What are you, 12?

The fuck was that?

I get a little carried away sometimes.

What can I say, brah?

I'm like a tortured artist.

Russell Crowe, baby.

Hey Sam, do you have the recent IPO listings?

Oh, you got an eyelash.

Thanks.

Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, Robin,

what about the IPO listings?

Oh, it can wait, it's just work.

It's just work?

That was Robin, right?

Look what you did to her.

I've always had that effect on the chicks.

Eh, Cappuccino?

Well, I'm glad we chewed all that stupid gum

that I had to go get in the middle of my busy work day

for some stupid actor.

What does a guy gotta do to get some respect around here?

I'm gonna help you, boy,

and you are gonna thank me.

Spit tobacco.

Now that's a man's game.

People see you chomping on the chaw and run the other way.

Robin, what's up?

Hey.

Listen, I just want you to know

that it's really important to me

that the female attorneys in my TV show

be portrayed accurately.

Okay, yeah, that's a good thing.

Yeah, so I'm thinking I'm gonna have to interview

some brilliant, gorgeous female lawyer

who knows her way around this man's world a lot.

You know anybody?

Maybe over dinner this Saturday night?

Yeah, sure, I'm free Saturday.

Cool.

Keow.

So you're free Saturday, huh?

So you're listening in another people's conversations,

huh?

I thought we were supposed to go

to the Woody Allen Film Fest on Saturday?

Oh, right.

Look, I promise we'll rent "Curse of the Jade Scorpion"

next week.

Well, I can't believe you would just blow me off

for a date with beef head.

It's not a date, it's professional.

It's professional?

Yeah, I'm sure it's gonna be all security agreements

and indemnity clauses with Brad.

What is with you today?

What do you mean?

Yuck.

Mr. Fagen, I need you to sign this, it's for.

I don't want to know.

The little one tells me your high school bully

is back in town.

Yep.

You gotta be stone cold with these pricks, Stan,

violent and swift.

I killed a paralegal once.

It had to be done.

So do you think maybe you went

a little outta your fuckin' mind on Sam back there?

Ah, dude, I'm going nuts without my nicotine, man.

Hey, what's the deal with that Robin Chick?

Tell me the truth, you pounding her?

Am I?

Okay, you know what?

Robin's a good friend of mine,

and I really don't appreciate hearing you

talk about pounding her.

Don't be such a pussy.

Seriously.

Yeah, well, we can't all be real men like you, Brad.

Well, are you being sarcastic?

I gotta say, I've met a few actors in my time,

but you, Brad, are by far the stupidest,

which is really saying something.

What is your damage, man?

Get outta my office, okay?

Go wander around, sniff the secretaries or something.

Yeah, all right.

Maybe I'll go shadow Robin.

Yeah, do some other stuff to her, too.

That bitch is gonna be easy like Sunday morning.

Keow!

Au devoir.

Mr. Fagen, I don't feel so good.

Between chewing gum and chomping on the chaw,

we've probably taken in a toxic amount of nicotine.

Oh crap.

Hold the door, I'm right behind you.

Thank you, boy.

Hey there, sweetness.

Hey Brad, I'm really busy.

You know, I think you guys are supposed to be taking

a little better care of me than this.

And you look smoking in your tight little girl lawyer suit.

Brad, this little girl lawyer has closed deals

worth over a billion dollars this year.

Yeah, but have you ever been to court?

What does that have to do with anything?

Whatever, fuck I'm jonesing for a butt, you got one?

I don't smoke.

What do you mean you don't smoke?

Come on, how do you stay so fuckin' thin then?

At lunch you ate like a heifer,

but keep that perfect little waist.

One way is I skip the occasional meal,

like the dinner I'm skipping with you Saturday night.

What the fuck was that?

Fuckin' uppity career dyke bitch from hell.

Now that's clever.

Oh, you know, ooh, you're so lucky you're a girl.

Why?

Because I don't have to hide the fact that I wear makeup?

I have a skin condition, okay?

Oh.

Oh, you, you know I should.

You suck!

All right, listen up, you star fucker,

I got something to say to you.

Brad's a dick.

I apologize for ganging up on you.

Oh, all right then, where's Robin?

'cause I got something to say to her.

Again.

Look, what are you gonna do?

Huh?

You gonna keep yelling at us until Brad goes away?

I don't need your shit right now, Claxton.

Look, Sam, the only reason Brad picks on you

is 'cause you let him and you get really upset,

which makes it genuinely funny.

Well, what the hell am I supposed to do?

I mean, challenge the guy to a dual.

Yeah, I'd like to see that.

It's not me.

No?

No.

Okay, that's cool.

But just keep in mind that guys who think like you

will always get wedgies from guys who think like Brad.

Is it possible to OD on nicotine?

We'll both be fine

after we've spent some quality time on the crapper.

Do you have the home and garden section?

Thanks baby cakes.

Yeah.

You are gonna have to smoke that downstairs.

Oh, I don't fuckin' think so.

Did you see where dumbass actor boy went?

Bathroom.

Nice.

Alright, Brad.

Finally got my gum, Cappuccino?

Little late, dickweed.

You know what?

I'm done being your bitch, Masterson.

This isn't high school anymore.

You know this male bravado overkill thing you got going on,

it's clearly masking colossal insecurities.

And if you don't get a handle on it soon,

you know what's gonna happen?

All that rage is gonna build up inside you

until one day they're gonna find you dead in a hotel room

with your pants around your ankles and a bag over your head.

You know what, bro?

You are right, man.

I've been jackassed lately.

If my therapist ever found out the way I've been acting,

she'd be super pissed.

Oh, Brad, come on man, you don't.

Keow!

You'll always be my little bitch, Cappuccino.

This isn't bothering me, you know, Brad.

Way to go, Sam.

I know you had it in you.

If you need to get rid of the evidence, I know a guy.

Oh, Mr. Brad, a quick movie pitch idea for you.

Two roommates, one is very messy, the other is a dragon.

Oh, you're acting.

All right, such commitment.

Okay, and cut.

Okay, I'll see you in the movies.

I'm gonna tell on you.

Get off my ass.

♪ One, two, three, four

♪ Way-Oh way-oh

♪ Way-Oh way-oh

♪ Way-Oh way