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Episode 9x12
"Trapped In The Closet"
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Oh dude, check it out.
I got a Jake Plummer.
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Aw man, I got a crappy AJ Feeley again!
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How come you didn't buy any cards, Stan?
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I can't spend any money.
I'm saving up for that bike I want.
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HA! Saving money, duhhh!
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So what should we do now? It's Saturday,
we have to have as much fun as possible.
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Hey, I know!
Let's go play laser tag at FunPlex.
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No, I don't wanna spend any money, you guys.
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Let's just do something fun that's free.
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Stan, don't you know
the first law of physics?
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Anything that's fun costs
at least eight dollars.
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Yeah dude, nothing fun is free.
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Well I can't spend any money.
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Okay, be a Jew.
We're gonna go play laser tag.
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Yeah. See ya.
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Hello, would you like to
take a personality test?
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It's fun and it's free.
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Excuse me?
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We're doing free personality tests today.
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Uh what do I have to do?
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Have you heard of Scientology?
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It's all based on the book, Dianetics.
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A lot of really cool people are Scientologists,
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like Tom Cruise and John Travolta.
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Pourquoi tu n'entres pas?
On pourrait commencer ton test de personnalité.
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Why don't you come on in
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and we'll get your fun free
personality test started.
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Hey Brian.
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Hey Kelly. How's it going?
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Great! I want you to
meet my new friend, Stan.
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Hey there! How are you?
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Fine.
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Brian's gonna give you
your personality test
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and then let you know some
things about Scientology.
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Good times, good times!
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L-look, is this a religion?
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Because my family is like,
Catholic or something.
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Ho, that's not a problem at all.
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Scientology is more like an alternative
to psychology than a religion.
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Then how come that sign says
"Church of Scientology"?
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Oho, that's just this thing:
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What's the Denver Broncos' record now?
Six and two?
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Seven and two.
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Wow! That's great! All right, come on in
and take a seat, we're gonna have some fun!
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All right now, I'm just gonna
ask you a few questions.
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Just answer these questions as
truthfully as you can, alright?
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Okay. Number 1:
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Do you ever make remarks...
which you later regret?
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Uhhh, sh-sure?
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Uh huh. Would you rather give
orders... than take them?
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Yeah?
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Do you ever whistle...
just for the fun of it.
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Ohhhkay, and finally, does life sometimes
feel vague and confusing to you?
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Yes.
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Okay, Stan. Well, that's it.
That's the end of the personality test.
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So how did I do?
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Well, I hate to tell you this, Stan
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but... you are one messed-up kid.
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Huh?
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Yeah, I'm afraid that you are completely
miserable and totally depressed.
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I am? I didn't know that!
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Well there's certainly no question that
you are a perfect candidate for Scientology.
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I think it can really
make you happy again.
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What what do I do?
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It's very simple. We just need
two hundred and forty dollars.
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Stanley, you haven't touched your
food. What's the matter with you?
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I'm totally depressed.
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What? Why?
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I don't know.
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Well how long have you
been feeling this way?
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I'm not sure. But...
I need two hundred and forty dollars.
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Two hundred and forty dollars?!
What'd you do, break something?!
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No, I found a self-help
program that can cure me.
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Ohhh Jesus, the answer is no, Stanley.
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But I'm completely miserable
and these people can help!
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Stanley, I didn't know
you were miserable.
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Neither did I!
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Stanley, do you have any
concept of money at all?
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Money doesn't grow on trees, you know?
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Don't you care that I'm depressed?!
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What if I become suicidal, or, or
become an alcoholic like Grandpa?
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Well, if you really think
your life is so bad, Stan
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why don't you take what you
have out of your bicycle savings?!
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Well but... but that's my money.
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Yeah, well just like the rest of us,
you have to make choices with your money.
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Do you want a bike, or do
you not want to be depressed?
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Michelle, our friend Stan
wants to have auditing.
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Oho good, you're going to be so happy.
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I hope so.
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It's the beginning of a whole new
life for you, Stan. See ya afterwards.
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Great, so do you have the
two hundred and forty dollars?
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Perfect! We're on our way!
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Come on over here and I'll fill you
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in on how the Church of
Scientology works.
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You see, Stan, scientology was founded
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by a great man named L. Ron Hubbard.
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Mr. Hubbard discovered
that negative emotions
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are actually caused by
things called "body thetans."
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Really?
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Yes! And being the genius
that he was, Mr. Hubbard
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invented a way to get
rid of those bad thetans.
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This is called an E-meter.
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It's the main tool of Scientology.
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You just grab a hold of
these handles as
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I talk you through past
experiences in your life.
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I'll be taking readings here
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and we'll be able to determine
your thetan levels.
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Thetan levels.
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Come on in the auditing room
and I'll show you how it works.
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All these people are just like you,
Stan, auditing with E-meters
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to get rid of their negative emotions.
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All right, Stan,
I want you to just relax
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and take hold of the E-meter handles.
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So, this is gonna make me happy?
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Just take a few deep breaths
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and I'll just get a base
reading of your thetan levels.
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Hnh, that's, that's strange.
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What?
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Somethin...
something's wrong.
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Brian, could you come
over here a second?
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Yep. Oh hey there, Greg!
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Stan.
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Will you... look at his thetan levels?
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Huh, well. We'll get another E-meter
this one's obviously broken.
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Sorry about this, Greg.
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And so we just try to
analyze your personality
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and if it seems like
you need some help
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then you can have an audit
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counseling for a nominal fee.
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Well, that sounds pretty reasonable, m'kay.
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Mike, I need to talk to you!
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Excuse me, sir, I'll be right back.
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Are you all right? You're sweating!
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Take a look at this.
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What is it?
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The E-meter results from
the little boy in Room D.
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This... this can't be right.
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We ran the tests four times!
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We used four different E-meters!
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Fax these results to the
head office in Los Angeles.
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The president has to see thus right away.
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Go! Now!
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The boy is from a small
mountain town in Colorado, sir.
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Sir, how can it be that a first timer
scores that kind of thetan level?
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He registered OT9!
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I'm only OT7 and I've been
in the church all my life!
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I've waited...
forty-two years... for this day.
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Sir?
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Don't you all see what this means?
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There was only one person
who EVER registered
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OT9 in the history of our church.
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L. Ron Hubbard said he
had lived past lives.
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That when he died his thetan
would show itself again.
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Our prophet has returned.
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Uh, Stanley, take the garbage
out before you go to bed.
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I took out the garbage yesterday.
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Right now, Stan!
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Stupid dumb garbage!
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There he is!
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Thank you for returning!
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He's wonderful.
He's wonderful.
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Stan! What the hell did you do?!
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I don't know!
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Hello young man.
I'm the head of Scientology.
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It is... a great honor to meet you!
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All right, what the hell
is going on here?!
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We've been looking for your
son for a long time, Mr. Marsh.
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He is the reincarnation of our
church's most famous prophet.
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What?
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Scientologists the world over are
simply rejoicing at his second coming.
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Look, we don't want our son
to join your group, okay?
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We're not asking him to join us
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we're asking him... to lead us.
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Oh my God, it's John Travolta!
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Is this where he lives? Is this
where L. Ron Hubbart is? Oh my God!
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Yes, John Travolta and Tom Cruise
are big Scientologists.
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Do you believe me now?
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Young man, I know you
don't remember it
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but... your name was L. Ron Hubbard.
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You revealed the secret that began
the whole Church of Scientology.
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Okay, Stan, it's late, go up to
your room and get ready for bed!
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Let Mommy and Daddy handle this.
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Jesus Christ...
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L. Ron? L. Ron!
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It really is you!
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Oh, this is the greatest day of my life!
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Aw dude, I need to go to bed.
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Don't you understand, L. Ron?
It's me! Tom Cruise!
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Yeah, I know who you are.
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Ha-haven't I done well, L. Ron?
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Haven't you enjoyed my acting?
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Which film did you like best?
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Well-h. I mean, you're not like
as good as Leonardo di Caprio,
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but you're okay, I guess.
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What?
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I mean, you're not Gene Hackman
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or that guy who played Napoleon
Dynamite, but you're okay.
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00:09:14,600 --> 00:09:15,400
] I'm nothing.
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I'm a failure in the eyes
of the Prophet! Aaah!
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Dude, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.
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Go away!
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Dude, this is my rooom!
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Go away, I said!
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Dad! Tom Cruise won't
come out of the closet!
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What?!
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Tom Cruise locked himself in
my closet and he won't come out.
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Mr. Cruise? Mr. Cruise,
come out of the closet.
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No!
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Come on, Mr. Crusie, this is ridiculous.
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I'm never coming out!
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What did you say to him?
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I just told him I thought the
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Napoleon Dynamite guy is
a better actor than he is.
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Oh boy.
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Mr. Cruise, you can't just stay
in the closet, alright?
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You need to come out.
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What's going on?
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Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet.
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What?
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Just leave me alone!
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Well, we CAN'T leave you alone
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because YOU won't come out of the closet!
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It's been four hours now
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and Tom Cruise still will
not come out of the closet.
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00:10:16,100 --> 00:10:17,700
Hundreds of onlookers
here have gathered here in
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00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:20,000
hopes that the celebrity
will finally give in.
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00:10:20,600 --> 00:10:23,100
Tom Cruise, this is Park County police!
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00:10:23,300 --> 00:10:25,800
Please come out of the closet.
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Everybody here just wants you
to come out of the closet, Tom.
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00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:37,900
Nobody's gonna be mad,
everything's gonna be all right.
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Just come out of the closet.
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00:10:39,400 --> 00:10:42,700
We're still not exactly sure
why Tom Cruise is in the closet
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00:10:42,800 --> 00:10:46,300
but I'm being joined now by
famous singer/songwriter R. Kelly.
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00:10:46,500 --> 00:10:48,700
Well I was just standing here
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00:10:48,700 --> 00:10:51,000
and Tom Cruise locked
himself in the closet.
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00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:54,800
I asked myself why won't Tom
Cruise just come out the closet?
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Nobody has no answers
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and so I pull out my gun!
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00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:02,100
Tell my why Tom Cruise in the closet
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00:11:02,100 --> 00:11:04,000
or else I'm gonna shoot someone!
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00:11:05,300 --> 00:11:07,300
Please, understand we just want
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00:11:07,300 --> 00:11:08,800
what is best for your son.
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00:11:09,300 --> 00:11:12,100
The reincarnation of L. Ron
Hubbard must be taken care of.
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00:11:12,400 --> 00:11:13,700
He had many enemies.
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00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:16,500
Wasn't L. Ron Hubbard
a science-fiction writer?
247
00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:19,100
Yes. But he was also a prophet...
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00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:22,200
who knew the secret truth
about the nature of life.
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00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,300
This is just too much.
250
00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:29,500
We want to reveal to Stan the great
secret of life behind our church.
251
00:11:29,700 --> 00:11:32,700
The safely-guarded Scientology doctrine.
252
00:11:32,900 --> 00:11:35,900
Please, your son deserves to be enlightened.
253
00:11:36,500 --> 00:11:38,100
Stan, do you want to hear
the great secret
254
00:11:38,100 --> 00:11:40,200
doctrine of life behind Scientology?
255
00:11:40,900 --> 00:11:41,700
Sure.
256
00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:43,400
All right, go ahead and tell him.
257
00:11:44,300 --> 00:11:45,700
Would you excuse us, please?
258
00:11:45,700 --> 00:11:47,800
This is highly-classified
church information.
259
00:11:48,500 --> 00:11:49,800
Aw rats.
260
00:11:51,100 --> 00:11:52,900
Usually, to hear the secret doctrine
261
00:11:52,900 --> 00:11:55,000
you have to be in the church
for several years, Stan.
262
00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:57,100
Are you ready to hear the truth?
263
00:11:57,600 --> 00:11:59,200
I guess.
264
00:11:59,300 --> 00:12:01,200
You see, Stan, there is a reason
265
00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:03,000
for people feeling sad and depressed.
266
00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:05,100
An alien reason.
267
00:12:05,500 --> 00:12:08,800
It all began 75 million years ago.
268
00:12:09,500 --> 00:12:12,200
Back then there was a galactinc
federation of planets
269
00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:15,100
which was ruled over
by the evil Lord Xenu.
270
00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:19,700
Xenu thought his galaxy was overpopulated
271
00:12:19,900 --> 00:12:23,200
and so he rounded up countless aliens
from all different planets
272
00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:25,300
and then had those aliens frozen.
273
00:12:27,500 --> 00:12:30,300
Les Scientologues croient
vraiment à ça.
274
00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:33,800
The frozen alien bodies were loaded
onto Xenu's galactic cruisers
275
00:12:34,100 --> 00:12:37,100
which looked like DC-8s,
except with rocket engines.
276
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:40,000
The cruisers then took the frozen
alien bodies to our planet
277
00:12:40,100 --> 00:12:40,900
to Earth
278
00:12:41,100 --> 00:12:43,400
and dumped them into
the volcanoes of Hawaii.
279
00:12:44,900 --> 00:12:47,600
The aliens were no longer frozen,
they were dead.
280
00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:50,900
The souls of those aliens,
however, lived on
281
00:12:50,900 --> 00:12:52,800
and all floated up towards the sky.
282
00:12:53,500 --> 00:12:55,800
But the evil Lord Xenu
had prepared for this.
283
00:12:57,600 --> 00:12:59,600
Xenu didn't want their souls to return!
284
00:12:59,800 --> 00:13:02,400
And so he built giant
soul-catchers in the sky!
285
00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:07,500
The souls were taken to a huge
soul brain-washing facility
286
00:13:07,500 --> 00:13:09,300
which Xenu had ALSO built on Earth.
287
00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:12,600
There the souls were forced to watch
days of brainwashing material
288
00:13:12,900 --> 00:13:15,200
whiched tricked them into
believing a false reality.
289
00:13:15,700 --> 00:13:17,600
Xenu then released the alien souls
290
00:13:17,800 --> 00:13:20,800
which roamed the earth aimlessly
in a fog of confusion.
291
00:13:21,100 --> 00:13:22,700
At the dawn of man
292
00:13:22,700 --> 00:13:25,600
the souls finally found bodies
which they can grab onto.
293
00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:28,200
They attached themselves to all mankind
294
00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:30,600
which still to this day
causes all our fears
295
00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:33,200
our confusions and our problems.
296
00:13:36,500 --> 00:13:38,600
L. Ron Hubbard did an amazing thing
297
00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:40,500
telling the world this
incredible truth.
298
00:13:40,800 --> 00:13:42,900
Now all we're asking you to do...
299
00:13:42,900 --> 00:13:44,600
is pick up where he left off.
300
00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:46,800
But I don't know any of this stuff.
301
00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:49,000
Neither did L. Ron when he started.
302
00:13:49,100 --> 00:13:50,700
He said he just closed his eyes
303
00:13:50,700 --> 00:13:52,700
and wrote down whatever came to mind.
304
00:13:52,900 --> 00:13:54,100
You can do the same.
305
00:13:54,100 --> 00:13:55,500
Just let it flow.
306
00:13:55,900 --> 00:13:57,000
Okay, I'll try.
307
00:13:57,400 --> 00:13:58,800
I just wish I could write in my room
308
00:13:58,800 --> 00:14:00,100
but Tom Cruise won't
come out of the closet.
309
00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:03,200
I know. We've send Nicole Kidman
up there to see if she can help.
310
00:14:06,300 --> 00:14:07,500
Tom? Tom, It's Nicole.
311
00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:09,900
Ah hi Nicole.
312
00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:12,600
Tom, don't you think this
has gone on long enough?
313
00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:15,100
It's time for you to come
out of the closet.
314
00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:18,000
I'm not, I'm not in the closet.
315
00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:19,200
Yes you are, Tom.
316
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:21,700
And you need to just end
this and come out.
317
00:14:23,800 --> 00:14:25,700
I'm not gonna think any
differently of you.
318
00:14:25,900 --> 00:14:27,700
Kate's not gonna think
any differently of you.
319
00:14:27,900 --> 00:14:30,200
You don't need to be in
that closet anymore, Tom.
320
00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:32,400
I'm not in here, though.
321
00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:34,100
Yes, you are.
322
00:14:35,600 --> 00:14:37,200
I'm not, ...I'm not in the closet.
323
00:14:37,800 --> 00:14:39,700
Then how am I talking to you, Tom?
324
00:14:42,500 --> 00:14:44,800
Tom, you can't hide
forever just because
325
00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:47,400
the reincarnation of L. Ron
Hubbard doesn't like your acting.
326
00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:50,400
Come out of the closet, Tom.
327
00:14:51,700 --> 00:14:53,300
You're not fooling anyone.
328
00:14:58,400 --> 00:14:59,100
I'm, I'm not, I'm not in here.
329
00:14:59,900 --> 00:15:02,200
Hey Stan, we're gonna go to the movies.
330
00:15:02,500 --> 00:15:04,900
I can't. I'm writing a new
sacred doctrine for my church.
331
00:15:06,100 --> 00:15:09,500
Look, Stan, we're really getting concerned
about this cult that you're getting into.
332
00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:11,800
Cult? Scientology isn't a cult, Kyle.
333
00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:13,900
I've read all this stuff
and it's based on fact.
334
00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:16,200
Dude, L. Ron Hubbard was
a science-fiction writer.
335
00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:18,000
He lived on a boat with only young boys
336
00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:20,100
and got busted by the
feds numerous times.
337
00:15:20,100 --> 00:15:21,200
I did not!
338
00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:23,000
Those are rumors put out by people
339
00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:24,600
who are afraid because they
don't know the secret truth.
340
00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:26,600
What secret truth?
341
00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:29,000
I can't tell you unless you pay
for a few years of audit counseling!
342
00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:30,600
All I know is that I was depressed before
343
00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:32,200
and now I found meaning!
344
00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:33,400
I didn't know you were depressed.
345
00:15:33,700 --> 00:15:34,300
Neither did I!
346
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:36,000
But now, if you guys can't accept
347
00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:37,300
this great thing I belong to
348
00:15:37,300 --> 00:15:38,900
then I suppose we're
no longer friends!
349
00:15:43,900 --> 00:15:45,500
Stan, I just want you to know
350
00:15:45,500 --> 00:15:47,400
that I still hate Kyle more than you.
351
00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:55,100
Tom! Hey Tom, this is John Travolta.
352
00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:57,100
Oh hey John.
353
00:15:57,100 --> 00:15:59,500
Tom, you've gotta come out
of the closet. Oh my Gahd.
354
00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:02,100
L. Ron Hubbard doesn't think
I'm a great actor.
355
00:16:02,400 --> 00:16:05,400
Mm-maybe you took what
he said out of context.
356
00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:08,700
Okay, 's like, if you don't come out
357
00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:10,700
can I at least come in and talk to you?
358
00:16:12,500 --> 00:16:14,100
Oh... Okay, but no tricks.
359
00:16:14,500 --> 00:16:15,400
No tricks.
360
00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:22,900
Hey, it's really nice n here.
361
00:16:22,900 --> 00:16:23,600
Yeah, see?
362
00:16:23,800 --> 00:16:25,700
I feel really safe.
Oh my Gahd.
363
00:16:28,300 --> 00:16:30,400
Hello? Hey, come out of there!
364
00:16:30,600 --> 00:16:33,200
Tom, it now appears that John Travolta
365
00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:36,200
is also in the closet
and he refuses to come out.
366
00:16:36,600 --> 00:16:39,600
Here with more details
once again, is R. Kelly.
367
00:16:39,900 --> 00:16:42,000
I was just standing here.
368
00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:44,100
Tom Cruise locked himself
in the closet.
369
00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:46,200
Then John Travolta come
370
00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:48,200
and now, John Travolta
in the closet too.
371
00:16:48,500 --> 00:16:51,800
Please Tom Cruise and John Travolta
come out the closet!
372
00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:55,400
But then I calm myself down
and I pull out my gun!
373
00:16:56,100 --> 00:16:57,600
Oh geez, here we go with the gun again.
374
00:16:57,900 --> 00:16:59,900
If Tom Cruise and John Travolta
don't come out the closet
375
00:16:59,900 --> 00:17:01,400
I'm gonna cap this biiitch!
376
00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:06,200
Yes... Yes, oh this is great, Stan!
377
00:17:06,700 --> 00:17:09,600
I wrote that um, our followers
shouldn't fly in DC-8s anymore
378
00:17:09,600 --> 00:17:11,800
because they're too much
like Xenu's evil cruisers.
379
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:14,500
Yes, of course! So wonderful!
380
00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:16,400
And I wrote that the evil Lord Xenu
381
00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:17,900
was recently broken
out of galactic jail.
382
00:17:18,100 --> 00:17:19,100
Yes, of course!
383
00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:21,600
And best of all, I wrote that
all the Scientologists
384
00:17:21,600 --> 00:17:23,700
should no longer have to
pay money to belong.
385
00:17:24,500 --> 00:17:25,300
What?
386
00:17:25,300 --> 00:17:27,100
I realize that to really be a church
387
00:17:27,100 --> 00:17:28,900
we can't charge people for help.
388
00:17:29,300 --> 00:17:30,300
What are you, stupid?!
389
00:17:30,500 --> 00:17:32,400
Then how do we make money
from those people?!
390
00:17:33,700 --> 00:17:36,300
Well, it's not about the money,
it's about the message, right?
391
00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:38,700
Waait a minute, whoa, whoa!
392
00:17:38,900 --> 00:17:41,400
You don't actually believe
this crap, do you?
393
00:17:43,600 --> 00:17:46,100
Dummy! Brainwashed alien souls?
394
00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:47,800
E-meters and thetan levels?
395
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:50,200
Those people out there buy that crap
396
00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:52,700
and I thought YOU were smart enough
to see what was really going on!
397
00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:54,000
But you said that there were...
398
00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:55,700
What's better than telling
people a stupid story
399
00:17:55,700 --> 00:17:57,700
and having them believe you?!
400
00:17:58,200 --> 00:18:00,200
Having them PAY you for it, stupid!
401
00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:02,300
But then, why me?
402
00:18:02,500 --> 00:18:04,300
Why do you need me to write
something so badly?
403
00:18:04,300 --> 00:18:07,900
Because if those people all think you're
the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard
404
00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:10,500
then they'll all buy your new writings
405
00:18:10,500 --> 00:18:13,500
and you and I together will
make three million dollars!
406
00:18:14,300 --> 00:18:15,500
Three milliion dollars?
407
00:18:15,500 --> 00:18:17,000
That's how the scam works!
408
00:18:17,300 --> 00:18:20,300
But this is a scam on a global scale!
409
00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:22,100
Do you fucking get me now?!
410
00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:25,800
Yeah. Yeah, I get you.
411
00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:28,600
Then keep writing, L. Ron!
Your people are waiting.
412
00:18:29,900 --> 00:18:31,600
Breaking news here in South Park.
413
00:18:31,700 --> 00:18:35,400
Tom Cruise and John Travolta still...
will not come out of the closet.
414
00:18:35,600 --> 00:18:38,200
Park County police have
decided to try a new method.
415
00:18:41,500 --> 00:18:43,600
I've been asked to come up here
416
00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:45,800
get you both out of the closet.
417
00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:48,000
Man, this is some crazy shit.
418
00:18:48,300 --> 00:18:51,200
Why won't you both just come out
the closet? And they said...
419
00:18:52,200 --> 00:18:54,300
We're not comin' out the closet
420
00:18:54,500 --> 00:18:56,400
so you can just go away.
421
00:18:56,700 --> 00:18:58,800
But everyone wants you
out the closet.
422
00:18:59,100 --> 00:19:01,300
That doesn't matter '
cause we're gonna stay.
423
00:19:01,500 --> 00:19:03,200
Now I'm startin' to get angry
424
00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:04,900
so I pull out my gun!
425
00:19:06,100 --> 00:19:08,900
I'm gonna give you a count of
three to open this closet door.
426
00:19:08,900 --> 00:19:10,900
1. I'm gonna shoot you both.
427
00:19:10,900 --> 00:19:12,900
2. I'm gonna cap some bitch.
428
00:19:12,900 --> 00:19:13,700
3...
429
00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:22,800
Now I'm in the closet.
430
00:19:23,000 --> 00:19:24,900
Now I'm in the closet too.
431
00:19:25,700 --> 00:19:27,500
My fellow Scientologists!
432
00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:29,900
Our prophet has finished his new doctrine
433
00:19:29,900 --> 00:19:32,000
and will now read some
passages before making
434
00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:34,500
it available to you all
for a nominal fee.
435
00:19:36,700 --> 00:19:40,400
I give you...
the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard!
436
00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:49,800
Uh, thanks.
437
00:19:49,800 --> 00:19:53,300
So, first of all, I've written
that the brainwashed alien ghosts
438
00:19:53,300 --> 00:19:56,700
are actually from a
galaxy called Nubanon.
439
00:19:59,800 --> 00:20:01,200
Ohhhh.
440
00:20:08,100 --> 00:20:10,100
And uh, oh, I... I can't do this.
441
00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:11,400
Huh, what?
442
00:20:11,700 --> 00:20:15,000
Look, everybody, we're all
looking for answer, you know.
443
00:20:15,900 --> 00:20:18,900
We all want to understand who
we are and where we come from
444
00:20:19,300 --> 00:20:22,200
but... sometimes we want to know
the answers so badly that we...
445
00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:23,800
believe just about anything.
446
00:20:24,300 --> 00:20:25,500
- Huh?
- What?
447
00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:28,700
I'm not the reincarnation
of L. Ron Hubbard.
448
00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:32,300
And... Scientology is just
a big fat global scam.
449
00:20:35,300 --> 00:20:37,400
Oh! We are gonna sue you!
450
00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:37,900
What?
451
00:20:38,100 --> 00:20:40,300
Yeah, you think you can say
our religion is a lie?!
452
00:20:40,600 --> 00:20:41,900
We'll sue you, buddy!
453
00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:43,200
YOU told me it was a lie!
454
00:20:43,400 --> 00:20:45,100
Ho, now you're puttin'
words in MY mouth!
455
00:20:45,300 --> 00:20:47,000
You are sooo sued!
456
00:20:47,200 --> 00:20:49,300
You can't make fun of Scientology, kid!
457
00:20:49,500 --> 00:20:51,800
We are gonna sue your ass
and your balls!
458
00:20:51,900 --> 00:20:53,100
Yeah, that's right!
459
00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:56,000
How dare you mock our faith,
you little punk?!
460
00:20:56,200 --> 00:20:58,300
You'll be hearing from
our lawyers tomorrow!
461
00:20:58,400 --> 00:21:00,900
We've just had an incredible
development here, Mitch.
462
00:21:01,100 --> 00:21:05,600
Tom Cruise, John Travolta, and R. Kelly
have all come out of the closet!
463
00:21:08,700 --> 00:21:10,500
So you're NOT the prophet, huh?!
464
00:21:10,700 --> 00:21:13,300
You made me look stupid!
I'm gonna sue you too!
465
00:21:13,300 --> 00:21:15,000
Well fine! Go ahead and sue me!
466
00:21:15,100 --> 00:21:17,300
I will! I'll sue you in England!
467
00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:19,300
You are so sued, kid!
468
00:21:19,500 --> 00:21:21,100
Well go on, then! Sue me!
469
00:21:21,300 --> 00:21:22,600
We're going to!
470
00:21:22,900 --> 00:21:25,700
Okay, good! Do it!
I'm not scared of you!
471
00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:26,600
Sue me!
472
00:21:27,700 --> 00:21:35,700
Transcript: spscriptorium Smith
english sync: John Smith
34674
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