All language subtitles for Moonlighting S02E11 (1986) WEB-DL 1080p [Ukr_Eng] [Hurtom]_Track04

♪ Some walk by night ♪

♪ Some fly by day ♪

♪ Nothing could change you ♪

♪ Set and sure of the way ♪

♪ There is the sun and moon ♪

♪ They sing their own
sweet tune ♪

♪ Watch them when dawn is due ♪

♪ Sharing one space ♪

♪ We'll walk by night, babe ♪

♪ We'll fly by day ♪

♪ Moonlighting strangers ♪

♪ Who just met on the way ♪

The bride of Frankenstein.

That's right.
She's got her mother's eyes.

Or at least she's got
somebody's mother's eyes.

Friend?

Friend?

Smarten up, honey.
Monsters aren't supposed to play
hard to get.

Sure, she wants a doctor.
They all want doctors.

She hate me.

Come on, sister,
give him a break.

Sure, he's got spark plugs
in his neck

but at least his heart's
in the right place.

Give or take a couple inches.

- Listen, this place is dead,
I'm taking off.
- Hold it a second, will you?

You'll stay.

What is this you're watching?

We belong dead.

Don't do it, Frank.
Don't pull the lever!

I'm not surprised.

You just can't say no
to some guys.

- I'll see you Monday.
I'm leaving.
- Leaving?

Maddie, Maddie, Maddie.
What are you doing, doing, doing?

David, David, David.
I'm leaving, leaving, leaving.

But Maddie,
what'll it do to the morale
of the worker bees out here

when they see their queen
leaving two hours early?

That's a risk
I'm willing to take.

- So, why are you leaving early?
- So, why are you trying
to stop me?

So, what if I said I was
hopelessly bored?

So, what if I said
I wanted to get home early?

- Big plans, huh?
- No, I wouldn't say big plans.

- Actually I wouldn't
even say plans.
- No plans on a Friday night?

The day people get paid?
The night people get what rhymes
with paid?

The first day of the rest
of your weekend.

- It happens.
- Really, to you?
Is Ripley aware of this?

- I had a date. He had to cancel.
He had to go to a wedding.
- Oh?

- His own.
- Oh!

- Couldn't do both, huh?
- He said he met her yesterday.

Something about sharing
an umbrella in the rain.

Two straws
and a banana daiquiri.

- Living a lifetime in one night.
- I know that girl.

Why couldn't they have met
next week? I hate eating alone.

Well, if there's nothing
else to discuss

- David, what are you doing?
- I just had a thought.

- We better get you a doctor.
- Now, I can't promise anything

but if I get on the horn PDQ,
I may be able to
lose a few rendezvous.

Juggle a few jiggles.

And I just might be able
to free up my schedule enough
to squeeze you in.

- Squeeze me in?
- Yeah, you know...

you and me...

go out.

Do something together.

My coat's upstairs.

Well, I hadn't really
expected this.

Though I don't see why not.

I mean, I guess it might be fun
doing something together.

- Maybe we could see a movie.
- Yeah, sure, a movie.

- There's a French film, it--
- French?

- You mean, like, foreign?
- Well, what else would I mean?

I don't know.

Dirty?

- Well, how about music, then?
- Now, you're cooking.

I know a nightspot,
on the westside.

Perfect place to make you forget.

- Forget what?
- See, it's already working.

By nightspot, you mean
soft lights, quiet,
a little piano?

Very little piano.
In fact, none at all.

And they got this brother
on sax, blows notes
you can hear in Seattle.

- This isn't going to work.
- Dancing then!

We go out, we rock all night
and get totally sweated up--

David, this isn't gonna work.
It's a bad idea. We're not going

to agree on anything tonight
any more than we agree
on anything ever.

- I disagree.
- Really David, I'd just rather
go home, get comfortable,

have a glass of wine
and slip into a hot bubble bath.

Fine. Mind if we stop
at my place on the way?

- David, why are we doing this?
- Maddie, it's Friday night.

We're single people, we owe it
to ourselves to find something
we can do together.

- We do?
- We do.

- I know. Dinner.
- Dinner.

Dinner. Hard to screw up,
we both like to eat.

This time, you choose.
Anywhere you wanna go.

- Anywhere? You sure? Positive?
- Anywhere. I'm sure. Positive.

Well, there is this new
restaurant a couple blocks away

supposed to have
wonderful seafood.

- Seafood?
- Monday, David.

Monday?

- Ms. Hayes.
- Ms. DiPesto.

- I was just coming in.
- I was just going out.

Wow, What do you
think the chances of that
happening again are?

- You came to tell us something?
- Did you just guess that?

- What is it?
- I don't know.

But a cousin of mine had it too.
Answered her front door before
anyone ever rang the bell.

No, I mean, what is it
you wanted to tell us?

Oh. There's a man's
here to see you.

- Oh, well, we'll be right out.
- Bring him in.

- My office is more appropriate.
- What's wrong with doing it
right here?

- Okay, we'll do it here.
- Oh, we'll do it in your room.

Uh, you are
already here.

How about this? No pressure.

We go over to your house,
we take off all our clothes,
we get a couple of cans

of 90-weight motor oil,
we rub it all over ourselves,
we see what we feel like doing.

Doesn't have to be 90-weight.

- This is Alan Tupperman.
- Ms. Hayes, Mr. Addison.

You folks experienced
at missing persons work?

Well, we've done as much of that
as we have anything else.

Good.
I'd like you to locate
this woman.

I'm prepared to pay you
$5,000 now

and $25,000 more once you've
actually found her
and brought her to me.

- Do you have a photograph?
- Nope.

- A name?
- Afraid not.

Well, forgive me but I'm lost.

This is gonna seem
a little unorthodox.

Don't sweat it. Orthodox,
unorthodox, we have no religious
preference here.

Had a rabbi as a client once.
Someone was trying to kill him
for blowing his bris.

- Go on, Mr. Tupperman, please.
- I don't know
who this person is.

- Excuse me?
- I don't know who this woman is.

- I've never met this woman.
- Then why do you wanna find her?

Ms. Hayes,

I'm 39 years old.

I cleared more last year
than my father made
in his entire lifetime.

I get a new car
every two and a half years.

I own a house, I own a boat.
I'm the kind of man who reads Playboy.

The kind who doesn't leave home
without his American Express card.

I shave twice a day because you
never know who you're gonna meet
after dark.

I believe in God,
but not necessarily
in any one religion.

And I am miserably,
terribly alone.

- Breath problem?
- What does all that have to do
with us?

This represents everything
I'm looking for in a mate.
In a partner.

Am I sure she exists?

I am not at all sure she exists.

But if you can find her,
it's worth 30,000 to me.

Lord knows I've been
out there for 20 years

telling the lies men tell women,
and I can't find her.

- You're serious.
- I'm more than serious,
I'm committed.

If you can find this woman,
I'll marry her.

Alan, do you know what you are?
You are a man ahead
of your time.

You have just opened up
a whole new source of revenue

- for detective agencies everywhere.
- He did?

- I did?
- Sure, I can see it now.

Lines of guys walking in,
placing their orders, walking
out with a girl of their dreams.

You could have a menu.
A trait from column A,
a trait from column B,

Kind of like a distaff deli.
"Get me a brunette astronaut
who likes racquetball,

hold the breast, to go.
Better yet, I'll have her here."

- Look, if you don't wanna
help me--
- Alan, Alan, Alan.

What makes you think
we're not interested?

The real point is,
Mr. Tupperman, why us?

We're detectives,
not a dating service.

Have you been out there lately?

I'm at my wit's end.
Every night, clubs, bars, searching,

computer dating, the personals,
never finding her.

I'm starting to think
maybe she doesn't exist at all.

Then it occurred to me,
maybe it wasn't her.

Maybe it's me.
Maybe I don't know
how to find her.

It dawned on me that what I've
got here is a missing person.

So why not go to people
that are trained to find
missing people?

Trained to find people solely
on the basis of a description.

Look,

I know it sounds strange,
but give it some time.
Mull it over.

My address and phone number
are on the top of that list.

There's a picture and a complete
description of me there as well.

Think about it.

I'll call you tomorrow.

- My goodness.
- Mine too.

- Well, you wanna know
what I think?
- About what?

- I think we shouldn't take
this case.
- This is unusual.

- You want to tell me
what the problem is?
- You can't see it for yourself?

All I can see is a man walks
in our office, puts five grand
on the table

offers us a chance to do
something different, a chance
to do something unique.

- A chance to--
- Pimp!

- Pimp?
- Pimp.

Well, I don't see that at all.
No, no, no, no, no.

I think you've misunderstood.
All we're doing is
finding a woman

for a man, for money.
And that's all.

- No.
- What do you mean, no?

Isn't this still a discussion,
aren't we still discussing this?

I mean, I will abide by whatever
you say, but shouldn't there be
a little discussion first?

- You can discuss it.
I'm going home.
- Wait a second.

What about Rambo, the steak,
dancing till dawn?

They've been called
on account of stupidity.

- You kill me.
- Oh, if only I could.

Here we are staring
at a great case in the face,

something worthwhile,
something rewarding.

Please, I'm getting cavities
just listening to you.

An opportunity to give a man
a second chance at life,
at happiness.

- I'll be at home, alone.
- And you don't see it.

Because it isn't there!

But you're wrong, Maddie.
Don't you see, it is there.

For once,
we won't be investigating
a tragedy.

We'll be doing something
to help someone get over one.

We'll be doing something noble.
Helping a man find his future.

- That's a lot of crap, David.
- What?

You heard me.
You're so full of crap,
it's coming out your ears.

Okay, fine. Can I just ask you
one question?

Sure. you can ask me a million,
but I'm not gonna be here to
answer them.

- Why'd he come to see you?
- What?

Why did he come to see you,
Maddie Hayes, detective, model,
girl, why you?

What do you mean,
why come to see me?

If the guy was just looking
to get lucky, he could've gone
to any one of 100 detectives

mostly men all over town.
Why do you think
he came to you?

- I have no idea.
- Because you're a woman, Maddie.

Because he is sincerely looking
for a partner to share
his life with.

And who better to help him
find that partner than you?

A sophisticated, intelligent,
beautiful woman.

Are we working this weekend?

- Pick me up tomorrow morning.
- You got it, partner.

- You're still full of crap.
- So, what else is new?

So, now, that you got me
into this where do we start?

How do we find someone
who meets all the requirements?

- Never looked for a fantasy
before?
- Not someone else's.

First we get realistic.

We look at the length
of the list and we figure
it's like a test in school.

We get 60 percent, we pass.

I think we have to
do more than just pass.

I may stay up late
with the homework.

A lot of thought
went into this list.

I think the least We could do
is do our best to give him
what he's looking for.

- You're right.
What's he looking for?
- Let's see. A hard worker.

- Somebody to do the ironing,
got it.
- Good listener.

- Follows orders,
that's important.
- Doesn't overdress.

Wears just enough to keep
out of jail. I've been looking
for this girl myself.

Is this going to continue?

Well, I could read,
but you'll have to tell me
when we come to a light.

Has spent some time
serving others.

Cocktail waitress, good.
Something to fall back on during
hard times.

David, I think one of us
is having trouble interpreting
this list.

- That's all right.
Keep reading, you'll catch on.
- I meant you.

Me? No. I'm not having
any problems. Seems very clear
and to the point.

Obviously not. I described
a mature, intelligent woman
who has substance

and you describe
an oversexed pack horse
with a lobotomy and a G-string.

Not true, Maddie. I happen
to believe that good looks
and motor skills are important

but more than that,
she's gotta be hot, Maddie.

- Young and hot.
- David, try moving your
vital organs into the '80s.

This is the list of man
who clearly wants more

than grabbing some hair
and pulling it into his cave.

He wants what every man
wants, Maddie.
Somebody who looks good

Somebody who turns the flame up,
Somebody who makes him feel like
a man every time he sees her.

What about companionship,
what about laughter,
what about fun?

What are you talking about?
That stuff is what other guys
are for.

- I don't wanna do this with you.
- What's that?

It's becoming all too clear
that once again we are not
seeing eye to eye

- which leaves us only one solution.
- You want me to pull over now?

You know this is precisely
the kind of situation
I had in mind

when I suggested
considering getting
a second car the other day.

- We'll each find our own woman.
- We what?

We each find our own woman.

I'll take the high road
and as usual,
you'll take the low.

- And may the better
detective win.
- You serious?

What am I talking about,
you're always serious.

Let me get this straight.
We each go our own way

we find a woman completely
on our own

- and we let Tupperman decide
who's done the best job?
- Mm-hmm.

Wait a second, there's gotta be
something wrong with this.

- Why?
- I love it.

♪ I found out it was love
at first sight ♪

♪ You're lovin' I need it,
I couldn't believe it ♪

♪ That I found a love
at first sight ♪

♪ Forever my lady,
I'm lovin' you baby ♪

♪ Ever since my heart
was broken ♪

♪ I never thought
I'd love again, huh ♪

♪ Won't settle
for anything less ♪

♪ So many lonely nights
I spent ♪

♪ Didn't wanna believe,
no, no, no ♪

♪ No way couldn't mean to ♪

♪ Baby, it caught me
by surprise yes it did ♪

♪ When I found you ♪

♪ I found out it was love
at first sight ♪

♪ You're lovin' I need it,
I couldn't believe it ♪

♪ That I fell in love
at first sight ♪

♪ Forever my lady,
lovin' you baby ♪

You call about the ad?
Please hold.

You call about the ad?
Please hold.

Call about the ad? Please hold.

So, Miss, um, Vance,
let's start at the beginning.

Why don't you tell
me about yourself.

Well, I should make it clear
that, um, I'm not the kind
of person

Who normally answers
these kind of ads, but...

Times being what they are

Men being what they are...

I thought I'd, well,
go out on a limb.

I thought...

if this offer's legitimate

What the hell, let's give
this cowboy a jump and see
what he's got.

It's not that I have trouble
getting dates.

Of course, I don't
have to tell you that.

I just attract...

The wrong kind of man.

And a lot of them.

What was the question again?

♪ It was love
at first sight ♪

♪ You're lovin' I need it
I couldn't believe it ♪

♪ That I fell in love
at first sight ♪

♪ You're lovin' I need it
I couldn't believe it ♪

♪ That I fell in love
at first sight ♪

♪ Forever my lady,
I'm lovin' you baby ♪

I think my background
speaks for itself.

I won every science fair
at Klamath Falls High.

And if you look at me...

I think it's obvious that...

I know how to please a man.

As long as he gets along
with my...

Pekingese.

One thing I won't tolerate is...

A man who doesn't floss
or believe in proper
dental hygiene.

As a matter fact,
that's the reason that I
divorced my fourth husband.

Or was it my second?

Well, it wasn't, Rufus,
I only slept with him.

Maybe it was.

What was the question again?

♪ You gotta do it ♪

♪ 'Til we get funky ♪

♪ Gotta do it
'til we get funky ♪

♪ Gotta do it all night
'til we get light ♪

♪ Do it till we get funky ♪

Blue Moon Detective Agency.
Get any strange calls
in the middle of the night?

Strange notes in your mailbox
by dawn's early light?

Tell us about it,
let us get involved.

We'll find the perv
and your problems
will be solved.

Hello?

Why don't you say something?

To you too.

- I did it.
- Did what?

- Found her.
- Found her, found who?

- The woman. The woman.
- The woman? What woman?

- The one Tupperman
is going to marry.
- Oh, that woman. Where is she?

Right here.

Molly, this is Agnes DiPesto.
Ms. DiPesto,
this is Molly Lewis.

- Very nice to meet you.
- Likewise.

- Molly's a Rhodes scholar.
- Really? You study maps?

Molly's a gourmet cook.

- Really?
- Well, it's...

Molly speaks three languages.

Amazing. All at once?

Uh, if anyone calls,
we'll be in my office.

Fine.

Au revoir.

Sayonara.

Y'all come back now.

That's tough to do.

Blue Moon Detective Agency.
Getting strange calls
in the night?

Strange notes in the--
What?

What do you mean, am I naked?

I know it's
a yes-or-no question.

- People.
- I'll have to put you on hold.

Something important is going on.

As many of you know,
for the past several days

I have been engaged in a quest.

A journey...

an odyssey to find a woman.

Wait, correction,
not just a woman.

Well, I have returned.

Gentlemen, don your goggles.

Just a word of warning here.

You don't wanna look
directly at this woman.

What you wanna do
is punch a pinhole

in the center of a piece of
paper and watch
her through that.

But, hey...

you're all big boys.
You do what you want.

Hey, Stevie.

Anyone got a match?

I gotta go!

I don't know.

I suppose, for me...

cayenne pepper represents

a new food frontier...

you know?

Mm-hmm.

Maddie, the search is over.

Sound the horn,
call off the dogs,
we done found the fox.

- David.
- Excuse me. This will only take
a second. I'm a speed gloater.

- David.
- Maddie, I'm telling you
I looked everywhere.

Over Hill and Dale,
under Roy and Dale,
and suddenly...

there she was...

Stevie.

- It's okay, I love it.
- Not now, David.

Go on, Maddie, give her a spin.
Slam the doors, kick the tires.

- I'm sure you'll agree,
there's no need to look--
- Addison!

Uh oh. Go cut a switch.
Looks like the woodshed
for David.

If you two would excuse
us for a moment.

But is this, is she?

No. No. No.
Two completely unrelated cases.

I feel strongly about discussing
unrelated cases in front of
unrelated people.

And we'd appreciate it
if neither of you discussed

either of your cases either,
you understand?

Stevie?
Stevie, hi!

What...

do you think you're doing,
parading that, that,
that through my office?

That, that, is gonna get us
a $25,000 bonus.

- Oh, really?
- Oh, yes, really.

You are even more naive,
David, than I imagined.

Yeah, I'm just full of surprises
ain't I.

It so happens that when you
burst in here with Sheena

I was sitting with a woman
who's Alan Tupperman's
perfect match.

- Who, her?
- Yes, her.

- Ha!
- She's a sensitive, intelligent,

very deserving woman
who would be insulted

to think she was in a kind
of a-- a contest.

Yeah? Well, don't worry
about it because if that's
your choice,

- there is no contest.
- What does that mean?

That means it's over
before it starts.

Well, if that's your choice,
I have to agree.

How can you present that woman
to Alan Tupperman
with a straight face?

She doesn't meet
all the requirements
on his list.

She meets the two big ones:
she's willing and female.

Maddie, you are taking this list
much too literally. You gotta
read between the lines.

- Don't you mean
between the sheets?
- Maddie, admit it.

Your approach was off base
from jump street.

You were looking for someone
who was the list.

So, you got what you got.

I was looking for someone
who could become the list

someone who could grow
to be his dream.

Who could provide him
with a garden of earthly
and non earthly delights.

Who could be more important
to him than water, air,
Monday Night Football.

I just met her, David.
She's only a woman.

Huh!

Only a woman?

Were the '27 Yankees
only a baseball team?

Are the Himalayas
only a bunch of hills?

Are 36 inches only a yard?

This is not a game, David.

We're trying to help a man
with the most important decision
a man can make.

We're trying to help
Alan Tupperman make a choice
he can live with

for the rest of his life.

Brenda Boring?

Not a choice he wants to live
with for the rest of his life.

You don't know her.
She's perfect for him.
She'd make a wonderful wife.

Yeah, right, I know the type.
Good little dancer,
all the girls like her,

don't even mind the
hair on her mole.

- You are a repugnant
human being.
- It's a gift.

So, you mind telling me
where you hook this halibut
in case we wanna throw her back?

Where I found her is hardly
the point. The point is

I conducted an intelligent and
methodical search and came up
with the best possible person.

Then maybe I'll just go ask her.

On my line at the supermarket.
Okay, all right?

She had a fascinating cart.

All kinds of greens,
spices, herbs.

- Supermarket, Maddie?
- So what?

That doesn't make her
any less qualified
for Alan Tupperman.

Yeah, right. Medium looks,
buys her own food,
a potent combo.

You still don't see
how important this is, do you?

This isn't just
another blind date.

We have to find a woman
he can love, who can love him,

be his friend, share her life
with him while he shares
his with her.

This is about romance, David.
It matters,
and I wanna do it right.

So do I.

But I guess my right
and your right are two
different things. So...

- So?
- So I guess we're not gonna
find out

whose right is right
until Mr. T. finds Mrs. Right
for himself.

Like you said,
may the better detective win.

Yo, Stevie, you wanna bring
that moneymaker in my office?

Absolutely, there's nothing
wrong with a woman being
a bit aggressive,

taking the initiative.

What's the worst
that can happen?

Blue Moon Detective Agency.
Running a beauty pageant and
need to know if any of the girls

posed for photos that show
more than a swim suit
competition would allow?

Just give us a call
and we'll find out now.

We have sources at all the major
men's magazines

and we use them to help keep
your beauty pageant clean.

It's okay.

You could stop breathing
into the phone, it's me.

It's him!

- Oh.
- Oh.

Well.

Hey, wait a second.

So, you haven't heard anything
either, huh?

If you mean, did Molly call?
No! The answer's no.

- Gee, I'm surprised.
- Surprised?

Well, I'm sure she got home
early last night.

- Obviously Stevie hasn't called.
- Obviously.

No doubt looking for someone
to help her dial the phone.

- Very cute.
- All those numbers,
all those buttons--

- You're milking it.
- In any event,
we'll know soon enough.

- You worried?
- Me?

- You.
- Not me.

Me neither.
I can wait around all day.

Me too.

Hell, the only reason Tupperman
himself didn't call is because
he hit pay dirt last night.

- Excuse me?
- You're excused.

-"Hit pay dirt"?
- Hit pay dirt.

Rounded third
and slid into home.

- I don't wanna know
what that means.
- You know what that means.

You are the crudest man
I've ever met.

You ought to get around more.

She's right here,
Ms. Lewis.

It's Molly!
She'll be right with you.

Do either of you know how
to say she'll be right with you
in Italian?

Give me that!

Molly, it's Maddie Hayes.
Tell me everything.

- Oh.
- Oh, gee,
I feel terrible about this.

- Oh.
- Now, I know
what you're all thinking

but don't you know how much
I hate being right all the time?

Oh.

Ms. Dipesto, let's get
the Tuppermans a wedding gift.
Call Stevie, see what they need.

I'm so sorry, Molly.

So, how is old Molly?

I guess love isn't totally
blind after all, is it?

Leave me alone, Addison.

I hope they have the good taste
to ask Molly to be the old maid
of honor.

- I don't wanna do this.
- I wonder what it was
that put Stevie...

- over the top?
- For your information

I just got off the phone
with a woman in pain,

a woman with little
to no self-esteem left.

A woman with a catch in her
voice, tears in her eyes

and no doubt a knife
in her heart.

And that means a guy
can't make a couple jokes?

- Men.
- You rang?

Why is it every decision,
every thought,
every ounce of behavior

can be traced back to a place
just south of their
belt buckles?

- You figured that out, huh?
- Why?

given a choice between
a woman of physical beauty

and a woman of emotional
substance will a man always
choose the looks?

- God.
- You're a perfect example,
you know?

- Good to be perfect
at something.
- Your attitudes towards Molly.

How can you be so insensitive,
so uncaring, so selfish?

- I'm dying to hear.
- Just comes with the territory.

- The territory?
- The territory.

- What, you mean being a man?
- Incredible, you figured
that out all by yourself?

Let me get this straight,
Miss "Made a million bucks off
my physical beauty

but not a dime off my emotional
substance" Hayes.

According to you,
it's not just me,
but all men who are insensitive,

uncaring, and selfish. Right?

- You learn quickly for a man.
- Smart mother no doubt.

- No doubt.
- You know what I can't
figure out?

- Left from right?
- Exactly what you're
so upset about.

I'm upset because there's
a shattered woman who even
as we speak

is having to deal with
the pain of rejection.

What are you talking about?
I asked you out.

I'm talking about Molly.
Poor Molly.

Poor Molly. Rich Maddie.
Rich David. I'm sorry.
Tough to work up a tear.

Is that all you can think about,
the money?

May I take a second here
and remind you that our client
was Mr. Tupperman, not Molly.

And Mr. Tupperman looked
pretty damn happy just now

when he handed us this check
for $25,000. Happy and spent.

- And you're not at all concerned
about Molly?
- Nope.

About what she's going through,
about what she feels?

- No, no, no, no.
- Well, I am.

- Good. And?
- And...

if we can find a Stevie
for Mr. Tupperman,

we can find a Mr. Tupperman
for Molly.

Wait, wait.
Wait a second. Slow down.
I feel the plot's twisting here.

Don't you see, David?
We owe this to her.
We're responsible. We found her.

We got her hopes up.

What you mean, "we," paleface?

- Okay, me. I did it.
I'm the one. I owe this to her.
- Owe what to her?

- I'm going to find her a man.
- A man?

- A man.
- Wait a second.
Two minutes ago

you said all men are
insensitive, uncaring
and selfish.

True!
But they beat sleeping alone.

Wait a second,
let me get this straight.

- We're going to go
in this house,
- Uh-huh.

tell Molly Lewis how sorry
we are Tupperman picked
Stevie over her...

- That's right.
- Then pledge ourselves to find
someone else for her?

- For free?
- For free.

Maddie, let me make one last
pitch here for the American way

where in people get
what they pay for and pay
for what they get.

Don't you see?
We're locked in a vicious
cycle here.

Find two woman for Tupperman,
and that leaves Molly.

Find two men for her,
that leaves some other clown.
Find two babes for him.

The direction we're headed
in I could spend
the rest of my life

cruising for burgers
I can't eat.

Get out of the car, David.

This isn't the way
Iacocca would handle it.

Functional.
Uninteresting.

Past its prime.

Got "Molly" written all over it.

Molly?

Molly.

David, come look in here.

Oh, Molly.

Molly, it's David and Maddie.

Molly?

Must be in her
minimalist period.

I'm sorry, the house isn't ready
to be shown.

The house?

Yes. Now, I'm not even putting
up a for rent sign
till I get a chance

to put another coat of paint
on the place.

There's been a misunderstanding.
We're looking for someone we
thought lived here, Molly Lewis?

- You friends of hers?
- Not friends. Not really.

She doesn't live here anymore.
She cleared all her stuff out
this morning.

Said she was getting married.

- Married?
- Married?

She lived here eight years,
and she didn't even give me
one day's notice.

I mean,
"Keep the security deposit,"
she said--

- Sorry to bother you.
- You know, as if that makes up

for losing somebody
that you lived next door to
for eight years.

- We'll just let ourselves out.
- And took you to church
every Sunday.

Watched the mail
when you were gone.

- I don't believe it.
- You don't want to believe it.

We just talked to him
this morning.
You heard what the man said.

So he changed his mind.
A man does have
that prerogative.

I don't get it.
Good looking guy...

no damage on any
of the major senses.

No way he takes
Ms. Prissy over Ms. March.

Admit it, David.
I won. Molly won.

Tupperman won.
But best of all, romance won.

Mind if I puke in your purse?

I'm not admitting a thing.
Not till I have proof.

What kind of proof?

You know what?
You seem naked.

- Naked?
- Naked.

- Don't stare. It's not polite.
- No, I'm talking about your strut.

- My strut?
- Your strut.

Earlier this morning when Molly
called, I could have sworn
I saw a strut.

- There was no strut,
it was a stride.
- A stride?

A stride.

We helped a client.
Made some money.

I was feeling happy, proud.
Full of good feelings over
what we'd accomplished.

Full of yourself
for what you'd accomplished.
Or thought you had.

Hmm, no answer. It could be
the happy couple doesn't
wanna be interrupted.

Or maybe he checked out.

Isn't that like young lovers,
not to waste any time?

You dirty...

Hi. Any way I can leave a
message for Alan Tupperman?

I don't believe so, sir.
I believe Mr. Tupperman

and his wife
checked out already.
About a half an hour--

Whoa, back up, his wife?

- Yes, Mrs. Tupperman.
- Mrs. Tupperman.

- Kind of short?
- No.

This woman was a
tall redhead, very attractive,
never uses ashtrays.

You don't say?

- You sure she was his wife?
- Well, the credit card said

Mr. and Mrs. Tupperman.

See? Um, I heard them say that
they were on their way home

to Connecticut this morning.

Thank you very much.

- Yoo-hoo.
- You-hoo who?

Yoo-hoo you.
We have a problem.

- We? Me or thee?
- We. Definitely we.

- Our boy Tupperman's
already got a wife.
- A what?

A wife. Checked into this hotel
with a credit card
in the name of Mr. and Mrs.

But, David, he came to us
for a wife. That's bigamy.

- Wait. The bigamy gets bigger.
- Bigger?

Bigger! When he left this
morning, it wasn't with wife one
and it wasn't with Molly.

- It was with Stevie.
- Stevie?

- Stevie!
- David, do you think he's
planning on marrying them both?

That would make him the biggest
bigamist in bigamy history.

Try saying that fast
three times.

How you doing?

I guess we got our Friday
night date after all, huh?

Some big spender.

The redeye flight
to Connecticut.

Don't pretend you're not impressed.

We're sleeping together,
aren't we?

You think we'll make it there
on time?

Maybe they just ran off
to a justice of the peace.

Maybe we're too late.
Maybe they're all already married.

If we're too late,
we're too late.
It's not the end of the world.

- The marriage isn't legal,
that's all.
- That's all?

That's all. They got it done.
They can get it undone.

You have got to be the single
most unromantic human being

on the face of the planet.

Yeah, well,
it's something I work at.

Marriage isn't just a ceremony.
It isn't just a piece of paper.

A woman gets married
for the first time only once
in her life. Once.

There's only one first wedding.
There's only one first
wedding day.

Sounds like you've given this
a lot of thought.

Wake me when we get
to Connecticut.

Sleep tight.

Don't let the bedbugs bite.

David, I feel funny confronting
him like this. Maybe we should
call the police.

There's a scene.
"Officer, arrest this man.
We set him up for a date

and he didn't need one."

The guy must be very stupid
or very rich.

- What makes you say that?
- Nothing but bills.

Mostly for the missus.
I'm surprised he can afford
to remarry.

And re-remarry.

Hasn't the guy ever heard
of cheating?

No one's home.
What do you suggest we do?

- Give me your shoe. Your shoe.
- My shoe? What are you gonna do
with it?

- Open the door.
- Really?

- Really.
- This I've gotta see.

- Simple.
- I can't believe you did that!

Did what?
How else were we gonna get in?

What's the matter
with your shoes?

Nothing. Largely because I
don't let people smash windows
with them.

Tampering with the mail,
breaking and entering.

It's only 10:30 in the morning, David.

- We've already broken two laws.
- Tupp--

Tupperman's still ahead.
He's marrying three women.

Why don't you look down here.
I'll go check in the bedroom.

Go ahead.

- So?
- So?

No Tupperman, no Mrs. Tupperman.
So, what do we do now?

- Give me a minute.
- Take two. By the way,
did you see any pictures?

The Color Purple.
Made me blue.

No, I mean of Mrs. Tupperman.
I'm curious to see who it is

he's leaving
for Stevie and Molly.

Hello.
Hello.

Uh,
I'm the man from next door.
I-I heard the glass

and I-I'd noticed
the rental car out front.

Cousin Alan promised
to leave us a key.

Yeah. I-I saw people
moving around in here.

At first, I thought
it was Mr. Tupperman

had returned home from
the hospital,
maybe make it to the funeral?

- Hospital?
- Funeral?

Oh, you mean, you folks
hadn't heard anything
about the...

the car crash?

Oh, David, I hate
the convenience of it.

What, the church being around
the corner from his house?

Lots of people look for that
when they buy homes.

No, I mean Tupperman
comes to us looking for a wife.

Then we find out he
already has a wife.
Then suddenly he loses a wife.

- Sounds like you are accusing
him of murder?
- I guess I am.

- Look at the bright side.
- Okay?

He's not as big a bigamist
as he once was.

- I don't see him anywhere.
- A lot of people here.

I'm so sorry,
Alan couldn't get out
of the hospital in time.

Excuse me.

I've heard
she was a good woman.

Yes, I heard that too.
The self-reliant type.

Described her
as independent.

Had to be,
all the traveling Alan did.

That's probably why she kept
to herself like she did.

- No Tupperman, eh?
- No Tupperman.

- Try the hospital?
- Certainly.

Whoa.

Talk about an uncanny resemblance.

- Oh, David.
- Oh, Maddie.

- Oh, Stevie.
- Oh, Stevie.

Sorry to hear
about the missus.

I'm just not sure
which missus to be sorry about.

I'm sorry?
I don't understand.

Don't say that.
If you don't understand,
we're in big trouble.

Went to your house.
Let ourselves in.

Damnedest thing.

Joints full of all kinds
of stuff belonging
to Mrs. Tupperman.

Clothes, makeup...

mail.

But not a picture
of the lady anywhere.

- My wife's camera-shy.
That a crime?
- Of course not.

But you know
what else isn't a crime?

Killing someone
who doesn't exist.

Ah!

I don't know what you're
talking about.

Wait a minute. I don't know
what you're talking about.

But insurance companies don't
pay off without a body do they.

Do you know
what he's talking about?

- What are you talking about?
- It was a great idea...

inventing a wife for yourself.

Who's not gonna believe that?
I mean why would someone lie
about something like that?

So...

a couple of years ago,
you went out,
bought some clothes

sent them to the cleaners
once a week, opened her a bunch
of charge accounts

not to mention
the old joint checking.

But most important,
you took out
a life-insurance policy.

- When did you figure this out?
- During the commercial.

- That's absurd.
- So a couple years go by

business is not
what it used to be.

You decide to cash in
but you need a body.

To be the Mrs. Tupperman
who never was.

That's why he came
to see us.

Not to find a wife,
to find a body.

- David, do you realize
what we just did?
- Found the climax?

- At the same time.
- Shall we have a cigarette now?

Please don't make
me use this.

- Molly.
- Golly.

Alan, get into your chair.

Molly, I don't understand... again.

There's nothing to understand.

You were right, I needed a body
to perish in a car accident

and you sent her to me, Stevie.

But then there was another knock
at the door, another woman.

I wasn't prepared for that.

I panicked,
now I had to kill two.

I invited her in,
and then a funny thing happened.

We fell in love.

I knew it. I knew it, I knew it.

I knew it the minute
they saw each other.

Never mind.

Hospital food.

Look at the bright side.

She's definitely not a woman
who ties men up for a living.

Gotta hand it to the guy

make believe wife...

doesn't nag...

never gets a headache.

Doesn't make a stink
when you stay out a little late
with the boys.

And...

What are you doing?

At the end of the year

you can still
write her off your taxes.

David, what are you doing?

Little off around the ears,
Ms. Hayes?

What am I doing? It's not,
"What am I doing," it's,
"What are we doing?"

- And we are going after them.
- David, untie me.

- No time. Besides,
where's your sense of fair play?
- David!

Molly's pushing that big guy
with a cast on his leg.

We gotta do something
to even up the odds.

Woah!

Whoo!

Let's go. Come on.

- Faster, faster.
- I'm trying, I'm trying.

- Slower, slower.
- Later, later.

Now, to lift the lids,
we'll cut here.

And to lift the jowls, we'll...

lift and tuck through here.

Gangway!

Oh, doctor! Doctor!

I decided I like my face
the way it is.

Give it up, Tupperman.
You've been caught with your
pants down, the jig is up.

Oh, yeah?

David!

High and outside, ball two.

David!

Go!

You'd better run.

Molly!

Over there.

Addison, don't--

Oops.

Get me off this man.

What are you so upset about?
He's not even married yet.

♪ Some walk by night ♪

♪ Some fly by day ♪

♪ Something is sweeter ♪

♪ Cause we met on the way ♪

♪ Cause we met on the way ♪