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- 50.

51.

Oh 152.

153.

154.

- That's interesting math you're using VH.

Clone algebra, I presume.

- Just getting my reps in, sweetheart.

A guy's gotta stay in shape

even if it's the holidays.

- Uh-huh.

Bigfoot made gingerbread cookies.

Everyone's in the galley now.

- Foot baked for others?

- Unheard of, I know.

I had the same reaction,

but that Sasquatch has really overcome

with the Christmas spirit.

I've never seen him like this.

- I don't think I have either.

Guess, I'll go see what's going on.

- No rush.

There are thousands of cookies.

He just keeps shoveling them

into the oven and popping them out.

- Sounds familiar.

How's our little one in the oven.

- Kicking like a Bronco today.

If I had known what pregnancy would do to my appetite,

I might've thought twice before letting you knock me up.

- Letting me?

You all but pinned me down,

and rode me till you were fertilized, princess.

You were insatiable.

I've never seen anything like it.

- Baby fever.

What can I say?

- You don't have to say anything.

How about we on zip these suits,

and you mount up like old times?

- Sorry, VH.

I still feel a bit of morning sickness.

I'm afraid I might spew gingerbread all

over those sweaty pecks.

- I'll take my chances.

Come on baby, let's get it on.

- Nothing doing space rogue.

I'm gonna go do my yoga,

and lay down for a bit.

It's so quiet in the cosmos.

Looks like it's going to be a pleasant Christmas this year.

- Looks can be deceiving.

Are we still monitoring the Illuminati movements

in the Kergerlone galaxy?

- Bort and Heru are on it.

The holidays mean nothing to them.

They took a stealth wing and some drone ships into orbit,

and are watching the slimy reptiles like mechanical hawks.

- Hardcore.

I love those bots.

- We all do.

And their watchful eyes should allow us to kick back

and enjoy Christmas season for once.

- I'd like to kick back and enjoy something else,

if you know what I mean.

- I do, but I didn't come here to blow you.

I came to tell you about the gathering in the galley.

- I'd prefer the head.

- I know, I'm sorry.

I know my libido has been non-existent lately.

My body is still getting used to the changes.

Right now I need to stretch and relax.

- (sighs) Fine.

- Don't be down.

Come see me in my quarters in a couple hours.

I'll take care of you.

You deserve it.

- Yeah?

I'll be there with sleigh bells on.

(space ship humming)

(ambient music)

- I just don't understand our colleagues dogmatic adherence

to this concept of holidays, Heru.

Logic doesn't seem to apply.

They willfully choose to ignore the omnipresent thread

of the Illuminati forces in favor of blind revelry.

It simply doesn't compute.

It's a complete conundrum to me.

- And to me as well, Bort,

but as we know these humans

are not reliably logical organisms.

They did play a large part

in destroying their own world after all.

- True that, Heru, true that.

- Drone ship four is picking up a flurry of activity

on one of the Cargill on the sub stars, Bort.

- Is the army mobilizing?

- Hard to tell from here.

Let's zoom in for a closer look.

(device beeping)

Oh dear! - This doesn't look good.

It would appear we missed some sort of battle.

And where are the Illuminatis?

- They're nowhere in evidence.

It would seem that they just,

they just vanished. - Vanished?

But how?

Why?

The Illuminati forces have been a persistent thorn

in the side of humanity,

and AI alike since the Earth destruction so long ago.

They've sworn to fight to the very last,

and obliterate remaining life,

far out and wide.

(guns firing)

What in the universe would compel them

to suddenly up stakes and flee?

- Indeed, and worse yet what force would,

or could attack so suddenly and savagely

that the fearsome Illuminati army

would be snuffed out overnight?

- I'll show you, Tin man.

(gun fires)

(Krampus laughs)

- [Squig] Queen Shaliah, we've detected

an unprovoked attack

just outside the Kergerlone galaxy's orbit.

An Allied vessel has been destroyed.

- [Shaliah] An Allied vessel,

are there survivors?

- [Squig] Negative mom, no life form,

no mechanical entity could have possibly

survived the attack.

The vessel has been completely and utterly obliterated.

- [Shaliah] Very well, Squig.

Go mobilize our fighter fleet at once.

We Atlantean shall not stand down

whilst our Allies are attacked.

- As you command Queen Shaliah.

Deploying our Atlantean fighters at once.

(ships humming)

- How charming, the Atlantean army rises

like the sun to greet me.

It's only fair that I also rise to meet them in gait.

(ship fires)

(ship explodes)

- Enemy fire, we've been hit.

Our rear thrusters are damaged.

We can't navigate.

Our 63 laser canons are also down, queen.

- We're sitting ducks.

We must've abandon ship.

Everyone to the court wings now.

Princess Kali, can you hear me?

Princess Kali, can you hear me?

- Shaliah, you startled me.

I'm still getting used to your telepathic volleys,

but yes I'm here.

Is everything, all right?

- I'm afraid not,

our mother ship's under attack.

Under attack?

By whom?

The Illuminati is are out of the mix

in the Kergerlone galaxy as we speak.

- I'm not sure,

but our thrusters and canons have been disabled.

We're abandoning ship.

Our quad feed will be scattered,

so please, don't open fire on us.

- Don't worry, we won't.

The Allies have your back,

and if they want it,

your soldiers have safe haven in our mothership.

- I thank you princess until we speak again.

- We'll speak soon, Shaliah,

I promise you that.

Attention, Allies returned to your stations.

Our friends, the Atlanteans are under attack.

They need our help.

- Under attack?

What the fuck?

You've gotta be me shitting me.

Can't a clone, relaxed for one single solitary second,

and revel in his first goddamn Christmas season.

Do we always have to be in war?

- You knew the deal when you chose to stay with us

after your last regeneration, sexy.

- Huh?

How did you-

- You were talking out loud again,

and I keep the Intercom line to your quarters open.

I learn a lot about you this way, VH.

- Oh right.

I forgot.

- [Kali] I trust you heard my announcement.

It applies to you too.

Come and find me.

- (sighs) Yes, ma'am.

What a crock of shit this is.

I know I'm just the 16th clone in a line of 16 clones,

but this Jack Van Helsing DNA is a real to carry around.

I may have been grown in a test tube,

but I've got contrarianism coursing through my veins.

The good old fashioned American spirit boiling in my soul.

I can't just hang around here and take orders,

light year in and light in year out.

I'm no lap dog,

and I'm no whipping boy.

I may not have a mother,

but I'm a bad ass motherfucker.

Besides I did what Kali wanted.

I gave her a baby.

Funny how the sex stopped once she got the news.

I've been nothing but a means to an end for her,

and her missions accomplished.

Mine though, mine's just beginning.

I have no quarrel with those Atlanteans,

but I don't owe them anything either.

And my bond with the Allies is nothing more than a handshake

of convenience.

It's high time this van Helsing struck out on his own

and tasted all that the universe has to offer.

(bot moans)

But what about the kid?

How can I abandon a child in a cosmos like this?

An existence of perpetual chaos and war.

It's not exactly a novel move.

(sighs) Who am I kidding?

Kali will just struck right over to Dr. Jekyll's lab,

and have me read cloned again.

That baby will probably have a village of fathers

to raise it,

and they'll all walk and talk just like me.

A clone, of a clone, of a clone, of a clone.

Crazy thing, this life.

(suspenseful ambient music)

(guns firing)

(ships exploding)

- We're being decimated and by loader second.

I've never seen a fighter pilot with moves

and instincts like this.

Attention Atlantean fighters, retreat.

I repeat pull back.

Find the Allied mothership and seek safety.

This battle may be lost,

but the war is far from over.

(Shaliah screams)

(ships firing)

(Shaliah screams)

- Queen Shaliah.

Queen Shaliah.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

God speed, my sweet queen

- [Divine] Atlantean this is commander Divine of the Allies,

come in Atlanteans.

Is anyone aboard?

- [Xio] Hi, I am here, Commander.

Lieutenant Xio, speaking.

- I can't reach your leader.

Her quad wing communications are down.

Is she okay?

- I'm afraid not commander.

Shaliah has been,

she's been killed by enemy fire.

- (gasps) No. - It's true.

We've lost her.

But we Atlanteans would not give up.

We'll fight with everything we have in us,

and I will not abandon our headquarters.

We'll persevere.

We'll survive.

We'll defeat this faceless, nameless enemy

and we'll rebuild.

- Rebuild in hell.

Bye guys.

(tense music)

(ship explodes)

- Xio, come in.

Xio, goddamn it!

- Don't be sad, little girl.

- Little girl?

This is princess Kali Divine,

commander of the Allied forces, shit head.

Call me little girl to my face,

I'll rip your tongue from your throat,

and shove it up your ass.

- Well, such colorful descriptors.

- The only color you need to worry about is the color

of your blood repainting your cockpit, asshole.

- Now, how could you be familiar

with the decor of my cockpit, lady?

- It's commander to you, cork sucker.

Now identify yourself before we blast you from the stars.

- Well, it sounds like you've already made up your mind,

but I'll play along.

I'm Krampus, the one and only.

- Very funny.

- On the contrary, I'm as serious as a heart attack.

- You're not joking?

- Not at all.

I've no time for games, girl.

And if you're smart you won't either.

- Well, I don't believe in Santa Claus,

and I don't believe in you.

- That's only fair,

but will you believe in my laser cutters

when they shred your subtle body like paper mache.

- I've been threatened by enemies mightier than you

more times than I can count.

If you think your words can scare me

you've got another thing coming.

- Me thinks they'll duck protest too much,

too early, little girl.

- You may have killed the Atlanteans leader

and splintered their forces,

but they carried the full might of the Allies behind them.

There are more of us than, you know,

and justice be damned we won't stop until you're dead.

- Sounds like fun.

I love high stakes.

- Be careful what you wish for you son of a bitch,

you might get it.

- It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. (laughs)

- Bort, Heru, come in.

Respond.

Bort?

Bort?

Heru?

(suspenseful music)

- Hold on a second, VH.

You can't just hot and tail it outta here,

'cause you got your junk in a bunch over Kali's attitude.

She might be the Allied commander,

but she's still a woman,

and these broads are slaves to their emotions.

- There's a difference

between being emotional and being fucking nuts, Foot.

And I think Kali has crossed the line,

- Has she or have you, bro?

- What's that supposed to mean?

- You violated direct orders by bailing out, VH.

You could be court-martial for this.

- That means fuck all.

I'm out.

I'm done.

I'm not running with the Allies anymore.

It's too much trouble.

- This don't sound like you, my dude.

- Why the change of about?

- It's been a long time coming.

I used to be able to trust Kali to confide in her,

but lately all she does is lie and play games.

- She throws up a lot too.

- And that.

- She's preggo bro with your baby.

That don't mean nothing to you.

- Of course it does,

but what's stopping her from having my DNA re-cloned

for the umpteenth time,

and creating a whole new doting dad

to rock that kid to sleep.

Don't tell me she hasn't considered it.

Hell, there could be a whole fucking closet full

of Jack Van Helsing's down in Jekyll's laboratory.

Just waiting for me to run into an asteroid,

or eat laser fire out here.

- I don't doubt it.

And I started to think what the docs creepo assistant

might be doing with them close doors.

- See what I mean?

It's all too weird around here now foot.

It's time to say goodbye,

so I'm getting out while the getting's good.

- What if you change your mind?

- I won't.

How can you be sure?

I've walked out on y'all a gang at times,

but I always come back. - Don't I know it.

You've been MIA when we needed you most,

more times than I can remember,

but why? - Wanderlust.

The call to the wild, springtime.

I'm a Sasquatch after all.

Every once in a while I got to reap the wind.

- Then you understand where I'm coming from.

- Yeah, but everybody in this with you, bro.

You got it good here.

- Good, how so?

I'm not even officially an Allie.

I'm unranked.

- Ranked Schmidt, you might not have the title,

but everyone knows you're second in command around here.

Anything ever happened to Kali,

you'd take the seat and no one better than her.

Yeah, well, you can have my spot, big guy.

I'm outta here.

- [Bigfoot] It won't be the same without you, VH.

- I'll be around.

If you need me just call.

- What if Kali calls?

- She won't.

She turned me off like an old lamp.

All she cares about now is that baby I put inside her.

- Sounds like a good mom to me.

- Oh, she'll be great.

It's me that'll fuck it up.

She's better off without me.

They both are,

and so are you.

- So this is it then, the big goodbye.

- Stall for me while I fire up the hammer of god.

Yeah? - Yeah.

Take care out there rogue. - You do the same big guy.

What a long, weird trip it's been.

(ship whirring)

(suspenseful music)

(ambient music)

- Bort and Heru are no more?

This is terrible news.

- The worst.

Are we sure commander? - Positive.

I didn't wanna believe it myself,

but we just located the wreckage of their stealth wing

and we identified Heru's hard drive

and Bort's serial number among the debris.

- I don't know what to say, Kali.

- Say you'll get to work rebuilding two robots

who can be as valuable to us as they were, doctor.

- Of course, that goes without saying,

but they'll never be exactly the same.

You understand that.

- We can recreate wiring, storage capacity,

and drive programming,

but we cannot account for

or precisely duplicate the ghost of the machine

that exists in all artificial intelligence

when it achieves the century centurion stage.

- I'll settle for close,

we need to fill for Bort's and Heru's roles

as quickly as possible.

There's trouble brewing,

and I'm afraid we'll soon find ourselves

back in combat.

- Combat?

But it's nearly Christmas.

I've been looking forward to the downtime.

- We all have.

It's been a hard year.

- Harder on some than others.

Speaking of others, has anyone seen VH round?

I summoned him,

but he never came.

It's not like him.

- I'm unsure of his whereabouts commander,

but if we come into contact with him,

we'll let him know you require his presence at once.

- Thank you, doctor.

And keep me posted on the robots,

so we can slot them in when they're ready.

- Yes, ma'am. - Yes, ma'am.

(ship humming)

- Later on, we'll conspire as we dream why the fire

to face unfrayed the plans that we've made walking

in a winter wonderland.

- Well, well, well, if it isn't my old friend, Krampus.

- Huh?

El Cucuy, make no mistake we're not friends, Boogieman.

Never have been, never will be.

- Ah, but we're joined at the hip;

nevertheless, you and I.

Two sides of the same flipping coin.

- Whatever gets you through the cold dark night, Cucuy.

Just know this, imitation remains the greatest form

of flattery.

- Then I should feel very flattered indeed,

but you'll see,

I came a fast.

- Bullocks, it is I who invaded children's nightmares long

before you were but a blib on the collective psyche's radar

with a stupid name.

- Stupid name, and Krampus isn't?

It sounds like something that happens to the back

after scrunching down and he's cockpits for too long.

- Maybe you should get out and stretch your skinny legs

sometime Cucuy.

Sometime like right now. - You'd like that,

wouldn't you Krampus.

To be rid of me and my authenticity,

so that you may carry on

as the pretend that you are,

waiting for your one time per Earth year to frighten,

and be wilder.

- At least I frighten,

you haven't stolen sleep,

or invade bad dreams for longer than anyone can recall.

Your effects faded long ago,

around the advent of the internet.

If I'm not mistaken once people realized you

and your whole legend were nothing but hackneyed hogwash.

- Hackneyed hogwash?

I'll show you who's hackneyed, Krampus.

When I hack you to pits.

Take this!

(Cucuy laughs)

(ship shutters)

(suspenseful music)

(people chattering)

- Thank you for accompany me, Bigfoot.

This individual is responsible

for killing the Atlanteans Queen Shaliah,

as well as, our own Bort and Heru,

and we mustn't underestimate the threat he poses.

- I always got your back, Kali.

You know that.

Just caught on me and I'll be there.

- How refreshing.

Say, have you spoken with VH lately?

- Ah, no!

I aint seen him in a minute.

He's probably off doing his thing, you know?

- His thing?

Yeah, I know.

(people chattering)

(suspenseful music)

Krampus, I presume

- Who are you? - Allied Commander, Divine.

We've spoken before if you recall.

- Oh right.

The mouthy little girl who was so brave

behind the safety of her computer screen.

Now, here you are

behind the safety of this cell's unbreakable glass.

- I can have it lowered if you like,

then I'll come in there rip out your tongue,

and stick it up your ass just like I promised.

- Damn! - Still feeling brave, I see.

- Not brave, just honest,

and I'd appreciate the same.

- Oh, I love a good game.

Go on, little girl, ask me anything.

- Let's start with your name.

What is it?

- I already told you

- You told me Krampus.

I know that's not true

- And how do you know that?

- Because Krampus like Santa Claus doesn't exist.

- Wow, hold up, did you just say Santa don't exist?

- Can you believe that?

As an obvious Sasquatch, you must be so offended.

- Shut your mouth, motherfucker!

We got nothing in common you and me.

- Well.

- Back to my question,

who are you really?

- My name's Adolph, Adolph Levy. (laughs)

Don't believe me?

- No.

- Oh well, guess you could go question some other sucker.

- Cut the bullshit.

You murdered Queen Shaliah of the Atlanteans,

and you destroyed two of our best

and brightest robot sentinels, Bort and Heru.

- Boo fucking who, little girl.

- That's it!

Yo guard, open this glass partition,

so as I can poverlize this horded champ's skull into powder.

- Bring it on beast.

I'd love to mount your big head on my trophy wall

before I mount your bitch and set her mind right.

- Something about the scenario is so familiar.

You wouldn't happen to know any clowns, would you?

- You mean besides the two of you?

- I can see this is going nowhere.

- How astute of you.

- I'll cut to the chase.

You're not gonna receive a fair trial.

In fact, you won't receive a trial at all.

We know what you did,

and who you did it too

for that your sentence is death,

to be carried out after the next son rotation.

- Oh! - Really, can you do that?

- I can do anything I want.

I'm the Allied commander.

- I know but aint there channels, procedures,

for this sort of thing.

- Yes, what about the red tape?

You bureaucrats love so much.

- You don't get any of that.

What you get is swift, sure, justice,

and it doesn't get any sure

than an eye for an eye.

The next time you see the sun

will be the last thing you ever see, Krampus.

- Well, then I'm looking forward to it, Kali.

- Say Kali, did you mean what you said back there?

- 100%.

The next time the sun shines our way

that prisoner's head is coming off his shoulders.

- No, not that.

I mean the Santa thing.

You really don't believe in St. Nick,

- Do you? - Hell yeah, I do.

I've gotten high with him?

- Really? - Really.

Kush plants from our natural habitat

are his favorite shit.

- Hmm, hold that thought.

Let's revisit this conversation in six months.

- (laughs) All right, all right, all right.

(upbeat music)

- (sighs) I needed that.

All those Amsterdam has got nothing on planet Gorgon.

I shoulda come out here years ago.

Those girls really know how to treat a guy, right?

It's a miracle, I didn't face plant with an aneurysm back

in that pressure cooker they call Allied headquarters.

What a nightmare?

And yet, I still find thinking about her.

Ms. Divine is a tough memory to shake.

She drives me crazy.

It makes me want to pull my hair out,

beat my head against the wall,

run for the stars,

and when I do,

she blooms larger than ever.

It's enough to make me wonder

if I'll ever break free from that chic.

(VH and woman moaning)

I can't believe I'm actually going back,

and after I got away scot-free.

Unbelievable what a good woman can do to a man,

or for that matter what a bad woman can do to a man,

and in for both bad shit crazy.

Forget it.

I guess we're stuck together forever.

Who am I kidding?

I'd have gone back sooner or later anyway.

I couldn't stay away from her,

or from our child for long.

I wonder if it's a boy or a girl.

Kali won't look at Jekyll's blood test results.

Doesn't wanna know.

And she barred him from sharing the results

with anyone, even me, despite me being the father.

(sighs) Thanks Kal.

Just another turn on the screw.

Maybe I should pick up some flowers before I go back.

Could quell the princess's urge to toss me

in the brig on site.

Yeah, that sounds like a nice idea.

(missiles fires)

(ship explodes)

No!

- I see humans but no humanity;

therefore I will stamp out all I see.

There is now no of the myriads of men who exist,

who pity all assist me.

Should I then feel kindness towards my enemies?

No, I shall declare everlasting war against this species,

and all it assigns.

(ships firing)

- [Man] Get out, get out!

(prisoners chattering)

- [Man] Get out, man!

- [Man] Get out of here, man!

- [Man] Then shoot!

(guns firing)

(tense music)

(human thuds)

- [Man] Unit two, Move into position.

Unit three and four maintain coverage of sector seven.

Unit five set up a parameter with unit six.

- Copy that.

- Hold your fire until I give a signal.

Keep an eye in sector five and six.

Multiple targets approaching from west.

1032c1011 swat HQ.

(space ship revving)

- (laughs) I told them no prison could hold me.

I carry with my hulking body all the power

of the upside down Christmas itself.

Within my roiling brain all the knowledge and malevolence

of the universal millenniums.

I am Krampus, the shadow to the light.

The almighty demon who maligns and punishes those

who dare misbehave,

and now they will all pay.

(ship engine revving)

- [Kali] Greetings, RA.

I trust I'm not disturbing you.

- You disturb me by your very existence.

Punning mortal, there's nothing you can say

or do to make it any better or worse.

- Okay, then I'll dispense with formality.

- Please.

- VH is MIA.

- That's a lot of acronyms commander.

- Let me be clearer, Jack Van Helsing's gone missing.

- As I understand it, Jack Van Helsing died long ago.

He who the Allied referred

to as Jack was actually Jack version, yada yada, yada.

- You're using the past tense RA.

Any particular reason for that?

- You control your own conclusions,

can you not?

I am the sun god, RA.

The all seeing, all knowing deity of the afterlife.

If it transpires on this plane of existence,

I know about it as if it was before it happens.

- You're saying Jack's dead?

- As dead as you let him be.

- Cut the shit, Phantom.

I don't need your riddles.

What happened to VH?

Where did he go?

Who- - A man made monster

was the one who felled your partner, commander,

but fret not, he did not suffer long,

and you possess the technology to incarnate him

a thousand fold.

- Not reincarnate, regenerate,

but I don't want to regenerate him.

I want the one we're talking about.

- Alas, that ship has sailed.

- No, it hasn't.

I'm carrying part of him inside me.

- You're with child.

- You knew that.

- Yes.

Just like I know you won't rest

until you uncover Van Helsing's bones;

however much of his mortal shell is recoverable.

- You're right, RA,

but even if we regenerated him right now

you're saying the one who sired the fetus

inside me is gone forever.

- Yes.

Then I don't want another.

I'd rather be alone.

If my baby's father can't hold it,

no man will.

- It's just as well for what remains of the human race.

Now Tito's on the brink of oblivion.

- What makes you say that?

My dear, you're communicating with a walking,

talking doomsday clock,

and both hands now touch midnight.

- I won't accept that.

- You have no choice.

- Oh, but I do and I'll prove it.

- Countless others have tried to prove my prophecy's wrong.

They're all dust and bones.

- You haven't dealt with anyone like me, RA.

I'm single-handedly responsible

for the human race's survival,

and I won't succumb to defeat now

- Defeat and death are two different things, commander.

You may have had one,

but you can never outrun the other.

- Watch me.

(suspenseful music)

- What the fuck you mean VH is no more?

What's it mean?

- Calm down, Bigfoot.

I reacted to the news the same way you are, believe me,

but we've got to hold it together.

The Allies will carry on,

we have to.

Our whole is greater than the sum of our of our parts.

- I don't need to know nothing about your holes, Kali,

all due respect that's between you and VH.

Alls I know is Jack Van Helsing is my best friend, yo.

We've traversed the stars together,

partied, drink up, smoked out, you name it.

If I may interrupt, I took it upon myself

to organize a Memorial service this Sunday at-

- Shut your fucking mouth, Tin man!

Aint nobody memorizing my boy till we know

for sure he's dead.

It's been confirmed, Foot,

- By who?

- By the sun god, RA.

- RA, RA, RA, fuck that raspy ass cheerleader.

He speaks and double speak to make himself sound smart,

and he don't say a damn thing.

- Kali is correct, Bigfoot.

Thousands of years ago RA's spirit merged with Osiris's,

the god of the dead.

To Lord over both this life and the afterlife,

if anyone would know it's one of them.

- Oh yeah, well maybe I'll pop by Anubis's place

and ask him.

I sure as fuck ain't gonna waste my time

with RA, RA's mumbo jumbo.

- It's highly inadvisable,

even for Sasquatch of your stature.

- The doc shows, right?

Osiris could strike her down for such a transgression.

- Bullshit!

I've been down there before.

That motherfucker Anubis

got himself a goddamn Cappuccino maker in his volt.

He whips a little cream leaves on top and everything.

- Really, I quite like Espresso.

- Who curves.

Listen, Kali, if you don't need me for nothing,

I'm gonna take off for a little bit.

I just gotta find out for myself.

What's up with VH.

Forgive me,

but shit's fucking weird around here lately.

I don't believe nothing out here in these headquarters.

- Understood Foot, healthy skepticism is a good thing.

Take all the time you need,

but keep your ship's communication line open

in case we need you.

Trouble has a tendency to find us whenever you go

on walk about.

- Funny, isn't it?

Guess you need my big ass, huh?

- If RA's right,

and VH has gone then yes we do.

And more importantly, I need you.

Be careful out there Bigfoot.

I couldn't bear to lose you as well.

- You ain't gonna lose me, girl.

I seen tougher times in this.

- Farewell, Bigfoot. - Eat a dick cork sucker.

(ship swooshes)

I can't believe this is happening.

I ranted and raved back at headquarters,

but what Kali said shook me.

When VH told me he was ducking out,

I didn't think nothing of it.

He's a tough son of a bitch.

He couldn't handle his business.

No reason to think otherwise.

What I didn't consider was

that he'll get caught alone in an ambushed.

I just passed some opportunistic chicken shit.

Looking to make a name for themselves by whacking

one of the galaxy's most famous heroes.

I still think this might all be bullshit.

I mean, if I was gonna make a permanent break

from the Allies,

and from an overbearing baby mama, like Kali,

I'd proudly fake my own death.

Maybe that's what VH is up to.

Maybe he's kicking back in a penthouse somewhere

on planet Gulgong right now

with a green bitch blowing his horn,

and the blue horn riding his beard.

Or a blue bitch blowing his horn

and a green bitch riding his beard,

or both bitches blowing his horn or damn!

Maybe I'll hit up planet Gulgong first

to make sure just thinking about it's has got me warmed up.

(upbeat music)

Yo, Anubis?

What's up, dawg?

- Huh, who goes there?

- Just us Sasquatches.

It's me, Bigfoot

- Oh, what bring you to my sarcophagus, mythological beast?

I thought we concluded our business the last time

- So did I, but I got a question for you,

and I was wondering if you still made them delicious

Cappuccino was like before.

- Sadly, the machine broke.

Seems the modern universe

no longer manufactures items to last.

- Tell me about it.

I went through eight pairs of work boots trying to fit

in with them Allies and not be such a wild animal.

The last pair cost me half a paycheck,

and lasted a month,

and after that I was like, "Fuck, this I'm a Sasquatch.

Anybody got a problem with my feet

they can suck my big dope." - that's the attitude.

- I know, right?

Anyway listen, I wanted to ask you about my boy Van Helsing.

- Van Helsing.

What about him?

Rumor is he's dead as shit.

Blasted out of the stars somewhere here and plant Gulgong.

- Planet Gulgong, huh?

Lots of fun pussy up there.

- (laughs) Yeah, them girls can raise some eyebrows,

among other things.

- So you seek a definitive answer

as to your friend's mortal status?

- That's right.

I figured you were a good dude to ask

seeing as how I don't trust that bra punk

as far as I can throw.

- RA?

He's as awful as my strange father, Osiris, if not worse.

The ego on that deity.

- Yeah, I guess being the King of deities,

and the father of creation and all,

bullshit can go to a dude's head.

- You think either he or my father

could replace my Cappuccino maker?

It's not like I possess much.

- Right, cheap pieces of.

You're a good son, my dude.

You deserve better.

- Thank you, Bigfoot.

And to answer your question,

no, although we he did encounter unexpected strife,

and became disable as a result.

Van Helsing still breathes.

- He does?

Hot damn.

I knew that son of a was alive.

- Indeed, this is quite the long way to travel

to ask a question you already knew the answer to.

- What can I say?

I'm a creature in them books.

- To say the least if that's all,

I'd like to return to my slumber now.

- Right, see you around, dawg.

- Goodbye, Bigfoot.

- Oh, is there like a coffee shop anywhere nearby?

- It's 4,000 miles to the newest convenient store,

and they serve a planned pot.

- Shit!

- That was a close call.

- I don't know what planet this is,

but I think I'm gonna be here for a while.

The hammer of god's not operational,

her thrusters are trashed,

and her transmissions are down.

It's hot as hell down here.

I should find some shade and try to stay cool.

Even though I made it clear

I wanted to disappear and not be found.

Maybe food will come looking for me, someday.

- Tick tock, mortals three days till the end.

For when the clock strikes midnight on Christmas Eve,

doomsday will be upon you all.

- I liked your style Krampus.

- Lucifer, how did you find me, antichrist.

- Easily, I see when you've been sleeping.

I know when you're awake.

I know when you've been bad or good,

and you've been bad.

Very, very bad for hell's sake.

- Why thank you, dark lord.

To what do I owe the sadistic pleasure of your presence?

- Like you, I see ways to foil the holiday season

to bring sorrow and pain to the mortal coils revelry.

- A demon after my own blackheart you are.

- Your prison break was executed perfectly, Krampus,

but your pipeline is not without its villainess.

- How so?

- Join me, and I will reveal all.

- I'm kinda used to going at it a lone.

If it's all the same to you, Mephistopheles.

- Alone.

I was once a loner.

The ultimate loner,

eternity's fallen angel.

Shunned, denied, and forsaken the universe over

throughout the ages.

- You more than any poor soul in history got a raw deal.

Yes, but I used it to fuel my vengeance and hatred.

My eternal grudge against all humanity.

My endless war against the light,

and when I was ready,

I was resurrected with the might of a million evil rith

in my back.

They lifted me from the flames of rejection

and sent me upon the hells red throne.

- Sounds comfy.

Did you toast marshmallows?

- Indeed, I made my own.

Cut from the soft bellies of angelic babes

and dipped in the boiling blood of their mothers.

- Hm, an acquired taste perhaps.

- Join me, Krampus,

and the full force of hell's minion shall be

at your disposal.

Minions, huh?

So who gets the credits when I usher in the new dark age

of panic, fear, and degradation?

- Me, of course,

but as you will be my right hand demon,

the photo apps will be plentiful.

- Hmm, photo apps?

That won't help my brand, daddy.

- I disagree themed.

Hell's view are far reaching.

Our spinning machine second to none.

- But I already have arch villain status.

I am too Santa Claus.

What you are to God Almighty.

In fact, some dogmatic circles consider you

and I one and the same.

- I'm aware and it's an oversight I'd like to rectify.

We both worked far too hard to be confused

or mistaken for any other humans.

Standing side by side we may

at last achieve the distinction.

- True that, tempter.

Can I sleep on it?

Have some time to mull it over.

- Time draws thin, scoundrel.

It's a mere three days to Christmas,

72 hours till midnight.

- I can hear the ticking of the clock like an oven timer

when you put it like that.

- You have until tomorrow to give me your answer, Krampus.

Choose damnation and I'll all dispatch 1,000

of hell's rap scallions to ride by your side.

- And if I choose to remain the lone wolf?

- Well, let's say we cross that bridge

when we come to it, hmm?

(ambient music)

- I feel like a damn fool for thinking we'd actually be able

to ravel in the holidays this year.

What the hell was I thinking?

There's no rest for the wicked,

or the Allies.

- Kali? - (gasps) Queen Shaliah?

Where are you?

- I'm gone, princess.

- But you still speak. - Yes,

though I'm no longer in your realm of existence,

the spirit yet lives.

- [Kali] So you're dead.

- [Shaliah] Correct.

My flesh is no more,

but my soul still sails.

- [Kali] I fear for the resistance, Shaliah.

What can we do to stop the madness?

- Faith, Kali, you have to have faith.

Currently the forces of darkness amass against you.

If they reach an agreement,

the threats you've face will be legion.

- [Kali] That's nothing new.

We've been outnumbered and outgunned

since the day be earth collapsed.

Proving the odds wrong has become commonplace to us.

- [Shaliah] In the commonplace is complacency,

and in complacency is defeat.

- I'm not concerned about our readiness queen.

We still have ACEs up our sleeves.

- Such as?

Such as baddest bad-ass any of us have ever known.

He's a walking war machine.

- Sounds like a real hell raiser and he'll need to be.

(suspenseful music)

- Yee haw!

That space Jack's flat through was a damn welcome stop.

And that Equinox, espresso bottoms are real kick

in the ass.

Imam to the ears and jerk to the Jos.

And now that I know that VH is still alive,

somewhere out there,

I'ma focus on finding that no good motherfucker,

who tried to do my boy in,

and I'll rip him limb from limb.

- You talk a good game, Sasquatch,

but can your bron back up with your braggadocio posts.

- Jack?

You auto headed asshole,

I thought you disappeared the Halloween world forever.

What the fuck are you doing driving around this galaxy

at Christmas time?

- Shopping, what else?

- For who?

You got no friends and you got no family.

You got no money either.

- I need no money to shoplift, Bigfoot.

- See, now that makes more sense

just sticky fingers suck of shit.

- Sticks and stones may break my bones, Sasquatch

but names will only bring me fame.

- What the hell do you want?

I got shit to do.

- I seek no quarrel, beast.

On the contrary, I come bearing a warning.

The midnight hour fast approaches.

- Midnight?

It's like four in the afternoon, bitch.

Learn how to tell time.

- Oh, but I speak in metaphor, man thing.

The concept is probably over your head.

- Well, mock load balls are over your head,

you stinking squash.

And if you don't beat it,

I'll take that run thing

clean off your scrawny shoulders for ya.

You'll dig

- Well in that case, suck on this, Sasquatch!

(gun fires)

(ship explodes)

- Your anger.

- Man, get the fuck out of here.

- Is that your last wish?

- I aint got no last wishes,

'cause are you dying, asshole?

- It won't hurt to ask.

- Fine, let me survive this crush.

- As you wish.

(Bigfoot screams)

(upbeat music)

- Looks like I have company.

Hopefully it's a friend, not a foe.

Long time no see, old buddy.

- Huh, VH?

Imagine meeting you here.

- What are the odds, right?

- Better than most I imagine,

since we know all these guys and shit.

- It does keep things interesting.

Right, bro, everybody thinks you're dead.

Not the first time.

Probably won't be the last.

- I heard that.

FYI, Kali is all broke up.

- You mean she hasn't re-cloned me yet?

- Nope, not that I know of.

- Well, I'm sure it's coming.

- You might be right,

but if we send out a distress signal,

HQ can come and pick us up then she won't have to.

- My transmitters are shot.

My ship's dead.

How about yours?

- Who needs technology when they got the sun god, RA?

- Good point.

And I was just starting to like it here.

- It is quiet.

Where are we anyhow?

- Your guess is as good as mine.

What does it matter now?

- Guess it don't.

Yo RA, are you still there?

- Always Sasquatch.

- Sweet.

Got another favorite to ask ya.

- Lucy, I'm home.

- I know I should be surprised,

but somehow I'm not.

- Talk about anticlimactic.

It's nice to see you too, princess.

- VH, I'll conduct a routine health and wellness physical,

and also check your body for any injuries,

or vital infections.

- You won't try to stick anything up my ass, right doc?

- As the residental rectal inspector, VH,

you needn't worry,

I'll be gentle.

- There'll be a time for singing later, Bigfoot.

Right now we have more pressing matters to attend to.

Our radar shows, forces amassing on all sides

of our mothership.

If they open fire at once,

we'll never stop them all.

(upbeat music)

- Is this the regime,

this the soil,

this the clime,

this the seat that we must change for heaven?

This mournful gloom for the celestial light.

Be it so since he who now is sovereign can dispose and bid

what shall be right.

Vertex from him is best.

Whom reason have equaled,

force have made Supreme above his equals.

Farewell happy fields with joy forever dwells.

Hail Horus, hail inferno world,

and though profoundest hell receive thy new possessor.

One who brings a mind,

not to be changed by place or time.

The mind is its own place,

and in itself can make a heaven of hell,

and the hell of heaven.

What matter where if I be still the same,

and what I should be all but less

than he who thunder but made greater.

Here at least we shall be free.

The Almighty have not built here for his envy

will not drive us hints.

Here we may rein secure,

and in my choice to rein is ambition and hell.

For it is better to rein in hell then to serve in heaven.

- You've got that right, fallen angel.

- I didn't summon you

from the eternal pits of fire, Xterminator.

Your titanium exoskeleton should still be softening

and melting in a slow boil of molten lave.

- I had other ideas, Lucifer.

- That's god of the underworld to you, charlatan.

- Well, you can call me, Xterminator or sir.

- Sir? (chuckles)

- I'll call you whatever I wish, Tin man.

- I love what you've done with the place.

By the way, it's be fitting

of an unimaginative outcast like you.

- Enough small talk, machine,

what is it you want?

- Oh, I'm no mere machine, demon.

I'm an engine of destruction.

A harbinger of mega death.

- And you'll soon be under my wheels,

if you don't mind your voice box, toaster top.

Cut the shit!

What brings you?

- Very well, black sheep,

I'm here to make a deal.

- I don't make deals,

I give orders,

and you take them without argument or a question.

- I've never taken an order in my entire existence,

and I'm not about to start now.

- Well, I'll get used to it if I were you.

Subservience is everyone's lot in the afterlife.

You either serve gods or demons,

which is up to you.

- I prefer a necklace made of god's eyes,

and your teeth, despot.

- Well, don't sing it, you walking karaoke jukebox.

Bring it.

- I'll bring it straight through your face, asshole.

- And still you circle high above,

afraid to touch down and go mano a mano.

- Hardly, I'm low on fuel,

and if I journey to the hell to fuck your shit up,

I know I'll become stranded.

- Oh, and why is that?

- Gas prices down there are a bitch?

Talk about gouging.

- You haven't seen the half of it, come closer,

and gauge your tin-testicles

and tear them clean off that embarrassing hunk hydraulics

you call a body.

- It sounds like you and I are destined to do this one way

or another, Lucifer.

- Sounds like you're angling for raincheck, Xterminator.

- No, not a rain check,

a future surprise.

Know this you'll never see me coming.

- I prefer not to,

keeps my reflexes sharp.

- They'll need to be,

I upgraded 50 times the above average human

quick Twitch muscle function.

- Must be tricky jerking off of then.

- [Xterminator] I'll jerk off with your severed arm, devil.

- Is that a threat?

- Not a threat,

it's a spoiler.

- Well, hold the thought metal mouth.

As we speak my millions are messing around you

on all sides to wreck major havoc on the Eve of Christmas.

- Do you know how I love carnage and mayhem?

- I'm painfully aware, bot brain.

You and your artificial intelligence have been nothing

but a headache to me.

- Well, fear not,

the ache will soon be relieved.

When I hoist your decapitated dome up high

and watch your minions bow down in submission.

- You sound sure of yourself.

- Oh, I am aristo, I am.

- Excellent.

I do so love proving the faithful role.

- I do not run on faith, trickster, only certainty.

Certainty that I'll crush your bones

to powder and snort your sizzling evil blood directly

into one of my free Ram drives.

- You know, it's a shame, Xterminator,

in another universe we'd have made a great team you and I.

- Call me, Tin man,

and tell your army to make room.

I'm joining their fight

against the good people of this universe.

And then I'm coming for you, devil.

- Take your best shot, cyborg.

I look forward to it.

(ships exploding)

- Shit, how many of them are out there, VH?

- I count six with more war pinion as we speak.

They're armed to the hilt.

There's no way we can defend against them all.

(ship explodes)

(tense music)

- Room for one more evil doers?

(laughs)

- Happy Christmas Eve, Krampus is you've had ample time

to consider my offer.

Now what say you?

- I say ours is a forced too mighty to stay separate,

so let us unite and finish what remains

of the human scorch.

- Like music to my ears, you horned heretic.

Laser cannons ready, minions, on my command.

(alarm blaring)

- [Xterminator] Is the party starting without me?

- Oh, for fuck's sake,

who invited you?

- You're master, Lucifer, naturally.

- Lucifer, is this some kind of joke?

- I had to get rid of that asshole somehow.

- So you sent him to me?

This violates our agreement.

- There are no violations in a godless universe, Krampus.

Only ones will.

- And as I have said so many times before,

do what thou wilt.

- Welcome Allister.

I was hoping you'd make it.

- As was I, Lucifer.

So nice to see you all again,

even you Krampus.

Ruthless work you perform dispatching all

of my Illuminati army in one fell swoop such as you did.

- Why thank you.

And I assumed I'd done away with you too, croy.

- (laughs) Foolish demon, one would have to rise very early

in the sun rotation to foil the great beast.

Mark my words, empty Santa's,

and mock them now.

Regardless of allegiances so long as evil flourishes,

I shout and me around!

- Splendid minions, our numbers are great,

and our will is strong.

The human enemy is ours to decimate,

and the endless wars not ours to lose.

- Ah, fuck this!

(gun fires)

(ship explodes)

- Krampus, Xterminator was fighting for our side.

What have you done?

- I did what everyone else was thinking,

to hell with that goddamn, golem.

- Oh no!

(sighs)

I suppose always seen my blasted bucket

of bolts even sooner than planned.

(suspenseful music)

- [Kali] They just destroyed one

of their own fighters, VH.

- Insane, maybe the wipe each other out for us.

- If they turn on each other,

we may be able to slip away.

- Fuck it, let's warm speed.

- No, there are still too many eyes on us.

(suspenseful music)

- Do not sleep on the threat before you minions.

The Allie's mothership is dangerous.

They must be dealt the fatal blow.

- We only have one chance,

if we stay here, we're sitting ducks.

- These hands ain't looking so hard,

and this Sasquatch ain't going down with the ship, ah-ah.

Somebody's gotta survive.

(suspenseful music)

- Wait until the next shots fired.

If it's in our direction,

we'll have a split second to warp out.

- How are your reflexes? - Sharp as a cat.

- Yours?

- I love you princess and our little one too.

- I love you too. - Now!

(ship explodes)

- No VH, Princess Kali,

just listened to me one goddam time.

I was only trying to save your lives.

It's all I've ever done.

Now it's over.

The war's lost.

The humans are no more.

This universe belongs to the monsters now,

and they ain't never been a more dangerous time to be alive.

(somber music)

- You did it, Krampus.

The Allied mothership is incinerated,

and along with the last of humanity.

You should be very proud, demon.

- Were that it were true, Lucifer.

Alas, the universe feels more empty than ever,

devoid of meaning.

- Devoid of meaning?

Bullshit!

The living realm has never had more meaning

than it does right now.

- And just what is the meaning, antichrist?

- That evil wins.

Good dies and the righteous have no recourse,

but to acquiesce fully and completely to the dark.

- But I am one who derives great pleasure

from bringing fear and frowns.

Where does this hollow victory leave me?

- It leaves you on my side, Krampus.

You now advance for me,

nothing more than centers dark half

to a field and reveal a Lieutenant of hell.

- That does have a ring to it.

- Give it time, demon.

Soon you'll come to realize that hell holds

an imaginable pleasures and wonders of the flesh,

the mind and beyond.

- Very well, I'm coming down devil.

I'll be there shortly.

- I'll keep your seat warm for you, Krampus,

very warm indeed.

(suspense music)

- So this is it.

This is where the road ends.

I got no where to go and nothing left to live for.

Except getting revenge for our dead homies.

Sure, I might die trying,

but I ain't never been scared of no consequences.

So helped me, come hell or high water,

I'm gonna rip the devil's head clean off his shoulders,

and hold it up to the heavens.

As God is my witness.

(suspenseful music)

(wheel squeaking)

(humans screaming)

(beast growling)

- [Bigfoot] Not today, Satan!

(upbeat music)