All language subtitles for Derek (2012) - S00E01 - Pilot (1080p BluRay x265 Panda)

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,960 --> 00:00:09,800 This is the day room where they're all sort of 2 00:00:09,800 --> 00:00:14,220 active. This is about as active as it gets, yeah? 3 00:00:16,239 --> 00:00:18,120 Jack? You work here? 4 00:00:18,980 --> 00:00:21,660 Every time. You know I do. I've worked here for three years. 5 00:00:22,180 --> 00:00:23,300 Derek, he's deaf. 6 00:00:23,780 --> 00:00:26,180 She's Dennis, he's deaf. No, I'm not. 7 00:00:26,880 --> 00:00:27,880 This is Lizzie. 8 00:00:28,740 --> 00:00:29,740 Am I? 9 00:00:30,880 --> 00:00:31,880 Hannah. 10 00:00:34,230 --> 00:00:35,230 She's in charge. 11 00:00:35,390 --> 00:00:37,370 And she's my favourite in a different way. 12 00:00:37,570 --> 00:00:38,570 Probably going to marry her. 13 00:00:40,450 --> 00:00:41,450 She says no. 14 00:00:41,850 --> 00:00:43,070 See, that makes her laugh, doesn't it? 15 00:00:43,590 --> 00:00:44,590 You do, Derek, yeah. 16 00:00:45,890 --> 00:00:46,890 What? I just bought something. 17 00:00:47,290 --> 00:00:48,290 Are you a secret millionaire? 18 00:00:49,270 --> 00:00:50,570 It's not a secret millionaire. Is it a secret millionaire? 19 00:00:50,830 --> 00:00:52,590 It's not a secret millionaire, Derek. That's why I'm no. 20 00:00:53,110 --> 00:00:54,430 Secret millionaire says no, though. 21 00:00:54,950 --> 00:00:56,430 Do you know what I'd do if I were you a secret millionaire? 22 00:00:56,910 --> 00:00:58,590 How much money would you be giving me? 23 00:00:58,830 --> 00:00:59,830 20 ,000? 24 00:01:01,930 --> 00:01:03,950 Er... Buy Hannah a house, probably. 25 00:01:04,650 --> 00:01:05,650 And a car. 26 00:01:06,190 --> 00:01:07,790 That's what I do. 27 00:01:08,130 --> 00:01:09,130 He said that? 28 00:01:11,230 --> 00:01:12,450 He's got a heart of gold, hasn't he? 29 00:01:15,990 --> 00:01:17,850 Shame more people aren't like that, really. 30 00:01:18,430 --> 00:01:19,430 How much is left? 31 00:01:20,090 --> 00:01:22,610 I don't think there'll be anything left if you borrow a car and a house. 32 00:01:23,950 --> 00:01:26,010 Okay. Just give it to her, then. 33 00:01:27,090 --> 00:01:28,250 I don't need anything anyway. 34 00:01:28,950 --> 00:01:29,950 Except Hannah. 35 00:01:30,570 --> 00:01:31,570 She can have it. 36 00:01:31,850 --> 00:01:32,850 Dougie. 37 00:01:34,650 --> 00:01:35,670 All right? Douglas. 38 00:01:36,210 --> 00:01:37,210 Come here. 39 00:01:37,890 --> 00:01:38,890 Why? 40 00:01:39,350 --> 00:01:40,350 To be on the telly. 41 00:01:40,870 --> 00:01:42,090 I want to be on the telly. 42 00:01:42,330 --> 00:01:43,330 Everyone wants to be on the telly. 43 00:01:43,870 --> 00:01:47,210 Well, everybody is on the telly. Anyone can get on the telly. I don't want to be 44 00:01:47,210 --> 00:01:48,210 on the telly. Why not? 45 00:01:48,290 --> 00:01:49,410 Why would I want to do that? 46 00:01:49,650 --> 00:01:52,510 To show... To show off how good my life is. 47 00:01:52,850 --> 00:01:56,330 Yeah? Working here, looking like this, hanging about with you. This is my life. 48 00:01:56,350 --> 00:01:57,350 This is where I work. 49 00:01:57,650 --> 00:01:58,650 This is how I look. 50 00:01:59,150 --> 00:02:00,150 He's my best mate. 51 00:02:00,540 --> 00:02:02,140 Why would I want to show that off on the telly? 52 00:02:03,980 --> 00:02:05,120 It's a caretaker here, ain't it? 53 00:02:05,400 --> 00:02:07,120 Yeah. I'll see you later. 54 00:02:10,860 --> 00:02:11,860 Alright. 55 00:02:13,480 --> 00:02:17,920 Yeah, this is my little area. It's down there. 56 00:02:20,240 --> 00:02:21,240 It's all just stuff. 57 00:02:22,080 --> 00:02:25,200 This is the main bit. It's like my bed. 58 00:02:26,420 --> 00:02:27,420 That was there. 59 00:02:30,540 --> 00:02:31,540 It's all right, isn't it? 60 00:02:34,200 --> 00:02:35,660 Well, I don't need anything fancy. 61 00:02:35,940 --> 00:02:37,580 I know it's not like Alan Sugar's office. 62 00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:39,020 The wage isn't great. 63 00:02:39,240 --> 00:02:42,380 I'm spending most of my time here anyway. I get fed three times a day for 64 00:02:42,380 --> 00:02:43,380 nothing. 65 00:02:44,020 --> 00:02:47,180 Slippers I get, you know, hand -me -downs. These glasses aren't mine. 66 00:02:48,340 --> 00:02:49,740 Someone died a few years ago. 67 00:02:50,620 --> 00:02:52,640 You know what I mean? So there's other perks. 68 00:02:53,060 --> 00:02:55,880 Do you know why we've got such a fast computer? 69 00:02:56,860 --> 00:02:58,880 Chris Marshall gave it to us. We learned them. 70 00:02:59,150 --> 00:03:02,850 Famous people here, giving us stuff. Look, that's me from Britain, before she 71 00:03:02,850 --> 00:03:05,210 was thinned, before she had her stomach tied together or something. 72 00:03:06,150 --> 00:03:07,750 Anyway, Chris Marshall. 73 00:03:07,970 --> 00:03:12,250 You know Chris Marshall? After the BT adverts. They're not his real kids, but 74 00:03:12,250 --> 00:03:13,250 he's bringing them up anyway. 75 00:03:13,830 --> 00:03:17,290 My favourite thing on here is YouTube, and my favourite YouTube thing is 76 00:03:17,290 --> 00:03:20,930 animals, and my favourite animal thing is hamster on a piano. Listen. 77 00:03:55,260 --> 00:04:02,160 It's my boyfriend. No I'm not. Why did she say that? 78 00:04:02,260 --> 00:04:03,260 She always does that. 79 00:04:04,660 --> 00:04:05,660 I like old people. 80 00:04:06,420 --> 00:04:07,420 They're kind. 81 00:04:09,020 --> 00:04:12,120 And they're not going to be around forever, so I've been nice to them. I 82 00:04:12,120 --> 00:04:15,820 old people are nicer to me than anyone else in the world. I'm nice to them. 83 00:04:15,820 --> 00:04:19,339 Yeah, Mary's nice to me, but she's Liz's granddaughter. 84 00:04:20,060 --> 00:04:21,519 Oh, is she? Yeah. 85 00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:24,680 Nice to cut their toenails. 86 00:04:24,940 --> 00:04:26,260 I can't bend down or anything. 87 00:04:26,940 --> 00:04:27,960 They give me toffees. 88 00:04:28,260 --> 00:04:30,360 I haven't got any toffees left. 89 00:04:30,660 --> 00:04:32,040 What do you mean? You haven't got any toffees left? 90 00:04:32,320 --> 00:04:33,320 No. 91 00:04:34,500 --> 00:04:37,100 Well, why didn't you tell me that before I started? I've got to finish them 92 00:04:37,100 --> 00:04:38,900 anyway, because they're all uneven, so. 93 00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:40,600 You're a good boy. 94 00:04:40,880 --> 00:04:41,880 I'm hungry, boy. 95 00:04:42,520 --> 00:04:43,520 You're the nurse. 96 00:04:46,500 --> 00:04:47,600 You've got to go now. 97 00:04:51,220 --> 00:04:54,460 She's not my girl. Derrick, Derrick, Derrick. What? Take what you can get, 98 00:04:54,660 --> 00:04:56,160 Take what you can get. 99 00:04:57,000 --> 00:04:59,460 I'm not bothered. 100 00:05:01,700 --> 00:05:03,300 Derrick just cracks me up. 101 00:05:03,910 --> 00:05:04,910 Everybody loves him. 102 00:05:05,190 --> 00:05:07,550 He's just funny. I just think he's hilarious. 103 00:05:08,050 --> 00:05:09,210 Pudding, who wants pudding? 104 00:05:09,490 --> 00:05:10,490 What is it? 105 00:05:10,670 --> 00:05:11,970 Rhubarb crumble and custard. 106 00:05:12,290 --> 00:05:14,950 Of course it is. Monday. That is my favourite. It's the rule. 107 00:05:16,050 --> 00:05:18,170 Why has he already got it? Why has he already got it? 108 00:05:18,790 --> 00:05:19,790 Is that bigger than mine? 109 00:05:24,130 --> 00:05:25,130 Rhubarb crumble and custard. 110 00:05:25,570 --> 00:05:27,110 Who turned it over? 111 00:05:27,870 --> 00:05:28,870 Right. 112 00:05:30,270 --> 00:05:31,270 I was watching that. 113 00:05:32,490 --> 00:05:33,950 Don't turn over. Who always does that? 114 00:05:34,910 --> 00:05:40,550 Look at your trousers. 115 00:05:41,210 --> 00:05:42,169 Does it show? 116 00:05:42,170 --> 00:05:44,790 It shows. It's all over the back. Come on. 117 00:05:45,170 --> 00:05:46,170 It's just funny. 118 00:05:46,290 --> 00:05:47,290 It's just funny. 119 00:05:52,710 --> 00:05:59,330 I've been here about 15 years, so longer than I thought I would be. 120 00:06:00,910 --> 00:06:02,400 Yeah. 15 years. 121 00:06:08,140 --> 00:06:13,520 Left school, I didn't have any qualifications until I was 16, and then 122 00:06:13,520 --> 00:06:14,820 job at a shoe shop, but I hated it. 123 00:06:15,080 --> 00:06:19,160 A friend of mine mentioned there was a job here, like a cleaning job, and then 124 00:06:19,160 --> 00:06:26,060 it just took over and, yeah, and got an NVQ, which was quite 125 00:06:26,060 --> 00:06:31,280 hard to get, but I got it in the end, and I like it. I like the people I like. 126 00:06:31,630 --> 00:06:38,110 You just get hooked into the job and then it's sort of taken over my life, to 127 00:06:38,110 --> 00:06:42,010 honest. I mean, I have hours, you know, there are shifts, but I'm here a lot. 128 00:06:42,070 --> 00:06:46,830 I'll stay here on a night off for company, if anything. They keep me 129 00:06:46,830 --> 00:06:49,610 because I don't want to go home to an empty house, really. 130 00:06:50,310 --> 00:06:51,550 Are you here for that week? 131 00:06:52,290 --> 00:06:54,130 I'm telling you that is what I do. 132 00:06:56,390 --> 00:06:57,750 That's the new lady coming in today. 133 00:06:58,470 --> 00:06:59,890 Annie, start coming in. 134 00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:01,440 This is Derek. 135 00:07:02,220 --> 00:07:03,860 Derek works here. 136 00:07:04,240 --> 00:07:05,119 Hello. Hello. 137 00:07:05,120 --> 00:07:09,440 And this is Tom, Annie's grandson. Hello. Hi. Hello, Tom. It's all right, 138 00:07:09,440 --> 00:07:11,280 it? It's all right, isn't it? Yeah. 139 00:07:12,020 --> 00:07:15,240 Yeah. We've got your room. We've got your room ready. 140 00:07:15,560 --> 00:07:16,680 And my computer over there. 141 00:07:17,460 --> 00:07:18,520 Do you know Hamster on a piano? 142 00:07:18,880 --> 00:07:22,300 No, I don't like Hamsters. We haven't got Hamster. We've got a piano. Oh. But 143 00:07:22,300 --> 00:07:24,480 that's a different thing. I'm not in a relationship. 144 00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:26,680 Not married or anything, so... 145 00:07:28,640 --> 00:07:32,360 I just... It's never worked out, really. I'm probably not suited to 146 00:07:32,360 --> 00:07:35,980 relationships. And I'm here a lot. I haven't got time. A lot of people meet 147 00:07:35,980 --> 00:07:39,120 people at work, don't they? And I work here, so there aren't that many eligible 148 00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:40,120 men. 149 00:07:48,820 --> 00:07:49,820 Why do you keep hitting? 150 00:07:49,980 --> 00:07:51,260 Huh? Why do you keep hitting? 151 00:07:51,720 --> 00:07:52,720 Fungus. 152 00:07:53,360 --> 00:07:54,360 Fungus in my hip. 153 00:07:54,680 --> 00:07:56,040 Still playing up, is it? Yeah. 154 00:07:56,960 --> 00:07:57,960 My two best friends. 155 00:07:58,729 --> 00:07:59,910 This is sort of my gang. 156 00:08:00,190 --> 00:08:04,170 When he comes in, we comes in, and Arthur goes, here comes the in crowd, 157 00:08:04,330 --> 00:08:06,510 Yeah, I don't want to be part of this crowd. 158 00:08:07,710 --> 00:08:09,110 I'm sort of slipped into it. 159 00:08:09,770 --> 00:08:12,930 He doesn't work here. He's the best autograph hunter in the gang, probably. 160 00:08:12,930 --> 00:08:15,970 the world. He's an autograph hunter, yeah. I don't feel the point in it. Bad, 161 00:08:16,050 --> 00:08:17,270 mate, they're bad. What buzz? 162 00:08:17,650 --> 00:08:18,349 The rush. 163 00:08:18,350 --> 00:08:19,249 You're a rush. 164 00:08:19,250 --> 00:08:21,530 When did your life get a buzz from getting an autograph? 165 00:08:21,890 --> 00:08:22,869 The McGanns. 166 00:08:22,870 --> 00:08:23,870 Steve, Joe, Paul. 167 00:08:24,010 --> 00:08:25,010 He's got everyone. 168 00:08:25,130 --> 00:08:26,270 How many autographs you got? 169 00:08:26,470 --> 00:08:27,750 35 ,000. 35 ,000. 170 00:08:28,460 --> 00:08:29,460 My mum died. 171 00:08:29,540 --> 00:08:33,120 He let me move in his flat, didn't you? He's got a council flat, so he's got a 172 00:08:33,120 --> 00:08:36,900 spare room, cos he said you ain't got kids or anything, have you, or married 173 00:08:36,900 --> 00:08:38,940 anything? Not planning on, and that's not going to change. 174 00:08:39,580 --> 00:08:41,140 No. So I let him move in. 175 00:08:41,380 --> 00:08:42,380 Bit of company. 176 00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:45,520 But then I was back with him all day and all night. 177 00:08:46,420 --> 00:08:48,140 I've never seen Derek feel sorry for himself. 178 00:08:48,420 --> 00:08:55,240 He's been through a lot, and he just gets up, dusts himself off, gets 179 00:08:55,240 --> 00:08:56,240 on with it. 180 00:08:56,300 --> 00:08:57,300 He's quite a guy. 181 00:09:00,560 --> 00:09:01,560 She's asleep. 182 00:09:03,080 --> 00:09:04,320 But she knows I'm here, she knows. 183 00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:07,560 She still likes me all around, even though she's asleep. 184 00:09:08,680 --> 00:09:09,680 I like her hair. 185 00:09:10,740 --> 00:09:11,740 It's fluffy. 186 00:09:13,620 --> 00:09:14,620 Joan. 187 00:09:24,900 --> 00:09:25,900 Can you hear her? 188 00:09:26,780 --> 00:09:27,780 She's sleeping. 189 00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:31,600 Still asleep. 190 00:09:32,240 --> 00:09:33,260 I might as well sleep. 191 00:09:40,020 --> 00:09:41,020 I love Joan. 192 00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:42,680 She reminds me of my mum. 193 00:09:43,340 --> 00:09:46,860 Our favourite thing is doing the lottery together every Wednesday. 194 00:09:47,100 --> 00:09:48,580 That's the only time she goes out. 195 00:09:49,340 --> 00:09:50,340 Except the garden. 196 00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:52,580 It's the garden. 197 00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:56,780 My favourite is the pond. It's my favourite bit of the whole thing here. 198 00:09:57,140 --> 00:09:58,940 Look. Oh, no. 199 00:09:59,400 --> 00:10:00,400 Worm. 200 00:10:01,760 --> 00:10:02,980 I don't know. You don't like worms? 201 00:10:03,620 --> 00:10:04,620 I hate them. Why? 202 00:10:05,080 --> 00:10:06,140 Because they're weird. 203 00:10:06,420 --> 00:10:08,740 They haven't got a head. At least they haven't got legs like a spider. 204 00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:11,340 I don't tease you with them, though, do I? So you don't tease me with spiders. 205 00:10:11,720 --> 00:10:14,520 It comes out in the rain. Yeah. And then the sun dries them. I'll give it a 206 00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:15,520 drink. 207 00:10:15,760 --> 00:10:17,640 Is that its head? Well, that's the problem, isn't it? 208 00:10:17,880 --> 00:10:19,040 I'll give it both ends in case. 209 00:10:20,280 --> 00:10:22,360 There we are. It'll be all right now. I'll get rid of him now. 210 00:10:22,860 --> 00:10:23,859 It's got a little house. 211 00:10:23,860 --> 00:10:26,280 I saw a frog in it once, didn't I? You did? In the summer. 212 00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:29,060 Sometimes in the winter, they keep warm under lily pads. 213 00:10:29,500 --> 00:10:31,880 I've seen them in here before, but they are... Oh, a spider! 214 00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:35,720 I'm grounded! 215 00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:42,140 You have to get all this off, it's soaking! 216 00:10:42,420 --> 00:10:43,760 I will, I will! You're going to get pneumonia! 217 00:10:44,360 --> 00:10:46,440 You're going to get leeches or something! Leeches? What from? 218 00:10:46,740 --> 00:10:49,320 Well, there'll be leeches in there, they won't, they won't... Don't take your 219 00:10:49,320 --> 00:10:50,320 clothes off! 220 00:10:51,100 --> 00:10:52,100 What are you filming? 221 00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:53,960 Anyway, 222 00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:57,880 anyway, anyway... Normal. 223 00:11:02,660 --> 00:11:03,660 Make an apple pie. 224 00:11:04,160 --> 00:11:05,160 I'm doing a pastry. 225 00:11:05,580 --> 00:11:06,940 She's putting the apples I got from the garden. 226 00:11:10,840 --> 00:11:11,840 Why do you keep looking at Tom? 227 00:11:12,560 --> 00:11:13,560 I'm not. 228 00:11:13,720 --> 00:11:14,740 What? Yeah, he was. 229 00:11:15,020 --> 00:11:16,020 Derek. Keep looking. 230 00:11:16,240 --> 00:11:17,980 He's gay, I think. Probably gay. How do you know? 231 00:11:18,220 --> 00:11:21,300 He's either gay or married, because all the good ones are by my age. 232 00:11:21,740 --> 00:11:25,700 Yeah. He can't be straight and single, because then I stand a chance. Chance 233 00:11:25,700 --> 00:11:26,700 what? 234 00:11:28,460 --> 00:11:29,620 Doesn't matter. He's gay. 235 00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:31,560 I'll ask him if he's gay. No, don't. Why not? 236 00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:36,920 Because then he'd know that I want to know. Well, I'll ask him and I won't 237 00:11:36,920 --> 00:11:37,799 you what he said. 238 00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:39,340 No, that would be stupid, Derek. 239 00:11:39,780 --> 00:11:40,780 I want to know. 240 00:11:41,260 --> 00:11:43,200 I just don't want him to know that I want to know. 241 00:11:44,580 --> 00:11:45,580 See? 242 00:11:46,820 --> 00:11:51,380 I mean, you could ask him what his favourite films are and TV programmes 243 00:11:51,380 --> 00:11:54,760 stuff and then come over and tell me and then I'll know if he's gay. But don't 244 00:11:54,760 --> 00:11:55,760 do it subtle. 245 00:11:56,380 --> 00:12:00,080 Ask him his favourite film and then if he's gay or not. But be subtle. Just 246 00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:01,080 bring it up. 247 00:12:03,250 --> 00:12:09,730 My friend Hannah, she says you might be gay, right? Right. But you 248 00:12:09,730 --> 00:12:13,610 mustn't, you mustn't, oh, that's good. And she wants to know, but to not tell 249 00:12:13,610 --> 00:12:18,250 her. But if she just tells me your favourite TV programmes and films, then 250 00:12:18,250 --> 00:12:19,830 she'll know if you're gay or not. 251 00:12:20,690 --> 00:12:21,690 OK. 252 00:12:21,850 --> 00:12:24,870 Tell her I love Glee. 253 00:12:25,430 --> 00:12:26,750 I think it's fab. 254 00:12:27,730 --> 00:12:31,250 Tell her The Wizard of Oz is my favourite film because of Judy Garland. 255 00:12:31,450 --> 00:12:34,930 Yeah. And I love her daughter, Liza, as well. 256 00:12:35,170 --> 00:12:38,890 Tell her my absolute fave is Audrey Hepburn. She's that girl at class. 257 00:12:39,630 --> 00:12:43,850 And if she likes all of them, you tell her from me. 258 00:12:44,930 --> 00:12:45,930 Mm -hmm. 259 00:12:46,170 --> 00:12:47,210 You go, girl. 260 00:12:47,630 --> 00:12:48,750 You do that? Yeah. 261 00:12:48,950 --> 00:12:49,950 Do it for me? Ooh. 262 00:12:50,450 --> 00:12:51,450 OK. 263 00:12:54,710 --> 00:12:57,890 He said loads. He said, um, Glee, Audrey Hepburn. 264 00:12:58,450 --> 00:13:01,170 He's got clients. I'm sorry, Derek. Listen, I'm not gay. 265 00:13:01,660 --> 00:13:02,880 And I am single. 266 00:13:03,100 --> 00:13:04,120 No, right, okay. 267 00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:09,280 See? No, no, we were just... No, we were talking and I said that you were 268 00:13:09,280 --> 00:13:10,280 probably gay. 269 00:13:10,810 --> 00:13:14,190 Because all the good ones are, and then he wanted to know, and then I said, 270 00:13:14,210 --> 00:13:17,330 well, why don't you ask what your favourite TV programmes are? 271 00:13:18,090 --> 00:13:20,690 No, you tell me that, that's why I said that. Right, it's just that now it seems 272 00:13:20,690 --> 00:13:23,330 like you're making out as if I'm coming on to you, and I'm not. No, no, no, no, 273 00:13:23,370 --> 00:13:27,070 I'm definitely not, and I just, I was doing it as a joke, because he said, I 274 00:13:27,070 --> 00:13:29,990 tell if someone's gay from a list of films, so I said gay films, because I 275 00:13:29,990 --> 00:13:33,430 thought it would be funny, because this is why I'm single, by the way, in case 276 00:13:33,430 --> 00:13:36,470 you're... Okay, well, forget it. Okay, yeah. All right. All right. 277 00:13:37,210 --> 00:13:38,210 Is he gay or not? 278 00:13:38,530 --> 00:13:39,530 He said he wasn't. 279 00:13:39,690 --> 00:13:40,690 What's she done? 280 00:13:41,170 --> 00:13:42,250 That was embarrassing. 281 00:13:43,310 --> 00:13:44,310 Thanks, Derek. 282 00:13:45,410 --> 00:13:47,710 It's not Derek's fault, really. It's my fault. 283 00:13:48,170 --> 00:13:54,730 It's my temper. I've got a temper, as you saw. I got it all wrong. 284 00:13:54,850 --> 00:13:55,850 Totally got that wrong. 285 00:13:57,390 --> 00:13:58,630 Completely misjudged it. 286 00:14:01,750 --> 00:14:02,750 See you later. 287 00:14:03,110 --> 00:14:04,110 We're going to the pub. 288 00:14:04,650 --> 00:14:05,650 He loves the pub. 289 00:14:05,770 --> 00:14:06,770 Yeah, my favourite. 290 00:14:08,010 --> 00:14:10,150 Huh? It's not what it used to be. 291 00:14:10,510 --> 00:14:11,510 What it used to be? 292 00:14:11,830 --> 00:14:15,370 No, it's always been a pub. It's just different to what it used to be. It's 293 00:14:15,370 --> 00:14:18,610 changed. It's quite rowdy. And the bar staff don't say anything because they 294 00:14:18,610 --> 00:14:19,610 slapped. 295 00:14:21,650 --> 00:14:26,390 I was feeding Chris some geese once, right? Yeah. And then they all started 296 00:14:26,390 --> 00:14:29,610 coming. I was going, bloody hell, and they were taking it out of my fingers 297 00:14:29,610 --> 00:14:30,389 that, right? 298 00:14:30,390 --> 00:14:33,310 And then I found a goose once. It was ill. 299 00:14:33,550 --> 00:14:36,210 Where? I know it was ill because it was flat like that. It was head out like 300 00:14:36,210 --> 00:14:37,210 that. 301 00:14:38,269 --> 00:14:40,890 Where are you going out in public with that? 302 00:14:41,550 --> 00:14:42,950 I'd like to look after old animals. 303 00:14:43,170 --> 00:14:45,930 That would be good. Wouldn't it? Yeah. I love baby animals. 304 00:14:46,250 --> 00:14:47,250 Grandad! 305 00:14:47,570 --> 00:14:54,530 I think we should go somewhere. Why is there a tramp in 306 00:14:54,530 --> 00:14:55,329 the park? 307 00:14:55,330 --> 00:14:58,290 I think it might pump a girl. It looks like a pumpkin. 308 00:14:58,730 --> 00:15:00,190 No, it's not like me. No, it's not. 309 00:15:00,870 --> 00:15:03,090 We'll come back another day. Yeah. Yeah, promise. 310 00:15:03,350 --> 00:15:05,490 Take out the poo -coloured jacket. 311 00:15:06,380 --> 00:15:09,100 They are talking about me. They're not talking about you, are they? Well, why 312 00:15:09,100 --> 00:15:09,779 would they not? 313 00:15:09,780 --> 00:15:11,420 Oh, my God, that's what Peter found. 314 00:15:12,100 --> 00:15:13,980 Darling, you can do so much better than him. 315 00:15:14,240 --> 00:15:15,580 Go and ask him if he was talking about me. 316 00:15:17,760 --> 00:15:18,760 Just wait here, all right? 317 00:15:26,620 --> 00:15:28,080 What did you say? 318 00:15:35,280 --> 00:15:36,280 Well, I can pitch her. 319 00:15:36,680 --> 00:15:37,680 All right, John. 320 00:15:38,120 --> 00:15:39,120 Is that it, then? 321 00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:40,179 Mm -hmm. 322 00:15:40,180 --> 00:15:41,700 I don't know if I can fix that or not. 323 00:15:42,440 --> 00:15:43,900 It's a bit knackered. Leave it with me. 324 00:15:44,540 --> 00:15:45,540 I'll come back for you. 325 00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:47,480 Shit. 326 00:15:48,380 --> 00:15:50,840 That's what they do with these rooms. Fill them with shit. Give them too much 327 00:15:50,840 --> 00:15:55,020 space. Honestly, let's get some skips in. Clear the fucking lot out. 328 00:15:58,860 --> 00:16:02,120 This is... This is his office, isn't it? We've got to go to an office. 329 00:16:04,240 --> 00:16:05,240 You haven't fixed it. 330 00:16:05,300 --> 00:16:06,300 You don't have to run it away. 331 00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:07,960 Seriously. 332 00:16:08,840 --> 00:16:09,960 She's asked me to fix it. 333 00:16:11,060 --> 00:16:13,100 I've fixed it. Sorted it. Problem sorted. 334 00:16:13,420 --> 00:16:17,320 In the bin. It's not worth it. See, the thing is, I don't mind fixing things 335 00:16:17,320 --> 00:16:18,320 that are important. 336 00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:19,400 She doesn't remember. 337 00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:22,120 Yeah, thanks for coming. Lovely to see you. 338 00:16:22,420 --> 00:16:23,420 All right. 339 00:16:26,700 --> 00:16:27,860 Oh. Bye. 340 00:16:28,800 --> 00:16:29,799 See you later. 341 00:16:29,800 --> 00:16:31,100 Bye. Bye. See you. 342 00:16:32,520 --> 00:16:34,780 He's a nice lad, isn't he? He comes to see you all the time. 343 00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:36,600 It's not me. He comes to see. 344 00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:48,440 Do you think, would there ever be a lady or a man upstairs, what could be as old 345 00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:49,880 as a tortoise? That's the oldest animal. 346 00:16:50,180 --> 00:16:51,860 Yeah, they're getting close to it up there now, Derek. 347 00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:56,140 Average age is about 85 up there. Some of them up there are knackered. I don't 348 00:16:56,140 --> 00:16:59,140 know at what point you can say a life has ended, because some of them don't 349 00:16:59,140 --> 00:17:02,560 move. You know, their knees have gone, their backs have gone, their eyes have 350 00:17:02,560 --> 00:17:03,620 gone, their ears have gone. 351 00:17:03,900 --> 00:17:07,760 Jack, with his hearing aids, battery on the side of his head. The battery runs 352 00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:09,819 out. I don't see the point of putting a new battery in there. 353 00:17:10,020 --> 00:17:13,440 But what would you do if you was Jack and someone said, oh, it's not worth it? 354 00:17:13,520 --> 00:17:15,240 What would you do? You'd say, no, I need the battery, please. 355 00:17:15,839 --> 00:17:19,960 What would you do if you was old, like a tortoise, and someone said, oh, don't 356 00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:21,460 bother with him, he's under it? 357 00:17:22,119 --> 00:17:24,720 I'd save you. I don't care how old you was. 358 00:17:25,560 --> 00:17:26,560 Barfing. 359 00:17:26,599 --> 00:17:27,599 That's the weirdest. 360 00:17:27,710 --> 00:17:30,510 Streets are, and everything, and Cleveland. This is Joan. 361 00:17:31,730 --> 00:17:32,730 It's four o 'clock. 362 00:17:33,050 --> 00:17:34,050 Come and do the lottery. 363 00:17:34,690 --> 00:17:37,190 Well, I feel a bit tired today, dear. 364 00:17:37,670 --> 00:17:39,110 Do you know my numbers? 365 00:17:39,330 --> 00:17:42,710 Two, three, seven, 24, 33, 36. 366 00:17:43,090 --> 00:17:44,090 Where's the money? 367 00:17:46,330 --> 00:17:47,330 There's two pounds here. 368 00:17:48,290 --> 00:17:50,650 Oh, do a scratch card for me. 369 00:17:50,950 --> 00:17:52,130 Yeah. See you later. 370 00:17:52,510 --> 00:17:53,449 Scratch card. 371 00:17:53,450 --> 00:17:54,450 Bye. Bye. 372 00:17:54,650 --> 00:17:56,290 Douglas. Dougie. 373 00:17:56,680 --> 00:18:01,320 Douglas. What do you want? Sometimes, a cat, if a dog was chasing the cat, and 374 00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:04,240 the cat turns around, the dog stops, because it's scared of scratching its 375 00:18:04,240 --> 00:18:05,240 out. 376 00:18:05,280 --> 00:18:09,080 But, listen, Douglas, Douglas, Douglas, 377 00:18:09,860 --> 00:18:10,839 Douglas, 378 00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:11,840 Douglas, Douglas, 379 00:18:13,460 --> 00:18:15,520 Douglas, Douglas, Douglas, Douglas. 380 00:18:16,360 --> 00:18:17,360 What? 381 00:18:17,740 --> 00:18:18,740 What? 382 00:18:19,060 --> 00:18:20,420 What? I've forgotten. 383 00:18:21,130 --> 00:18:22,130 Answer straight away. 384 00:18:22,250 --> 00:18:24,930 I'm trying to drive a butler. You're not the only one on here. We've got 385 00:18:24,930 --> 00:18:27,970 passengers. If I put this round a lamp, do you know what shit I'd get into? 386 00:18:29,310 --> 00:18:32,630 Just calm down. We can have a chat when we get back. We've got nothing to do all 387 00:18:32,630 --> 00:18:35,030 afternoon. Do you know what it's like? It's like having a wasp in the car. 388 00:18:35,250 --> 00:18:37,890 Do you know when you're driving, you've got this extra stress going on? That's 389 00:18:37,890 --> 00:18:41,630 what he's like. What would win out of a suicide bomber and a shark? 390 00:18:41,870 --> 00:18:44,850 Douglas. How does he drive like that? How would he drive like this, having 391 00:18:44,850 --> 00:18:47,770 going on in his head? Douglas. This is what it's like every Wednesday we go out 392 00:18:47,770 --> 00:18:48,649 for the lottery ticket. 393 00:18:48,650 --> 00:18:49,650 We're giving it this. 394 00:18:49,820 --> 00:18:50,820 Six there, a good sign. 395 00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:54,280 Thank you very much. 396 00:18:57,720 --> 00:18:58,720 Joan died. 397 00:19:01,180 --> 00:19:03,060 I've got to tell her family now. 398 00:19:05,060 --> 00:19:07,380 I'm worried about telling Derek, actually. 399 00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:10,880 Joan, do you want ten pounds? 400 00:19:11,100 --> 00:19:12,120 On a scratch card? 401 00:19:12,620 --> 00:19:13,620 You might have been lucky. 402 00:19:15,140 --> 00:19:16,820 Anna, good for her. 403 00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:19,900 Joan, you won £10 on a scratch card. 404 00:19:20,340 --> 00:19:21,299 Unbelievably lucky. 405 00:19:21,300 --> 00:19:23,280 Hello. I can't... Brilliant. 406 00:19:23,480 --> 00:19:26,240 Yeah. Can I have a little, um, with you? Yeah. 407 00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:28,600 You see a good millionaire? 408 00:19:31,220 --> 00:19:32,220 What? 409 00:19:35,140 --> 00:19:37,000 I accept when anyone dies. 410 00:19:40,420 --> 00:19:41,420 They're always dying. 411 00:19:43,940 --> 00:19:44,940 See how old? 412 00:19:46,860 --> 00:19:48,580 But Joan is the worstest one here ever. 413 00:19:49,360 --> 00:19:50,360 She's my favourite. 414 00:19:59,680 --> 00:20:00,720 Want to say goodbye, darling? 415 00:20:01,540 --> 00:20:02,540 Yeah. 416 00:20:10,100 --> 00:20:11,100 Wait here. 417 00:20:36,910 --> 00:20:37,910 I don't. 418 00:20:40,210 --> 00:20:43,290 Sorry about any times we ever argued. 419 00:20:47,090 --> 00:20:48,310 I miss her. 420 00:20:53,450 --> 00:20:54,910 She's not here to make me feel better. 421 00:20:55,450 --> 00:20:56,630 She's here to make me feel better. 422 00:20:58,810 --> 00:21:04,090 If I were used to break so much, I might... Like, I've got something... 423 00:21:06,160 --> 00:21:09,420 I go, sorry, you're sorry. If it's an accident, then you're not bad. 424 00:21:12,160 --> 00:21:13,240 She took me on the head. 425 00:21:15,600 --> 00:21:20,680 She said, it's all right, and it won't be feel bad. It's like magic. 426 00:21:22,560 --> 00:21:23,560 And she said, 427 00:21:24,100 --> 00:21:25,620 kindness is magic, Derek. 428 00:21:29,700 --> 00:21:33,820 It's more important to be kind than clever or good -looking. 429 00:21:34,840 --> 00:21:36,360 I'm not clever or good looking, but I'm kind. 430 00:22:25,320 --> 00:22:26,320 You all right, Derek? Yeah. 431 00:22:27,260 --> 00:22:28,500 Are you going to come and talk to anyone? 432 00:22:28,760 --> 00:22:30,740 No, I'm... No, I'll watch a deal on Odo in a minute. 433 00:22:31,200 --> 00:22:32,200 Are you sure? Yeah. 434 00:22:33,900 --> 00:22:34,900 Mary's come to see you. 435 00:22:37,020 --> 00:22:38,020 Go, darling. 436 00:22:45,820 --> 00:22:47,200 Sorry, Joan, darling. Thank you. 437 00:23:14,030 --> 00:23:15,650 Have you had something to eat? Yeah, Pringles. 438 00:23:15,870 --> 00:23:16,689 Is that all? 439 00:23:16,690 --> 00:23:17,690 Yeah, I had a lot, though. 440 00:23:17,810 --> 00:23:18,810 You don't want a drink? 441 00:23:20,490 --> 00:23:21,950 Tom. All right? Hey. 442 00:23:22,890 --> 00:23:23,890 Joan died. 443 00:23:24,370 --> 00:23:25,610 Yeah, sorry about that. 444 00:23:27,130 --> 00:23:29,670 She needs a boyfriend now, because I'm going out to marry. 445 00:23:30,550 --> 00:23:31,830 All right. 446 00:23:32,150 --> 00:23:33,390 She had butted a lady in the pub. 447 00:23:33,870 --> 00:23:34,870 Did she? Yeah. 448 00:23:35,090 --> 00:23:37,970 Yeah, it's a little Audrey Hepburn move. 449 00:23:40,010 --> 00:23:41,990 Do you want to go for a drink? Yes, yeah. 450 00:23:42,510 --> 00:23:43,510 Can I come? 451 00:23:50,909 --> 00:23:52,410 No. How is it, all right? 452 00:23:52,630 --> 00:23:53,850 Yeah, a bit sad. 453 00:23:54,310 --> 00:23:55,350 Sad? Yeah. 454 00:23:55,710 --> 00:23:56,529 I like you. 455 00:23:56,530 --> 00:23:57,930 Oh, thanks. 456 00:23:59,010 --> 00:24:00,010 Thank you. 457 00:24:01,710 --> 00:24:06,050 What pub are we going to? 458 00:24:06,490 --> 00:24:09,470 Maybe we should go to a different one, so you can have someone else. 459 00:24:10,650 --> 00:24:11,650 She's laughing. 32759

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