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What...!
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This programme contains
strong language and adult humour
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TYPEWRITER CLACKS
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GASPS
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Oh!
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No!
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Shut up!
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Oh, be caref... Ah.
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Aaargh!
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What?
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APPLAUSE
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Hello.
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I am Greg Davies.
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Welcome to Taskmaster.
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What is potential?
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When I was a little boy a school
teacher told my parents I had none.
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By the end of that year
he had witnessed me rustle
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a wild stallion to the ground
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and skitter up the side
of the BT tower
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like a giant mother-loving lizard.
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We all have potential,
we can all unlock.
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With the exception, it seems,
of most of the following people.
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Please give a warm welcome
to Dara O Briain.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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Fern Brady.
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00:01:11,440 --> 00:01:13,920
John Kearns.
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Munya Chawawa.
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And Sarah Millican.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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And now for a man who was
once chased and bitten by a peacock
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in an incident he refers to as "the
day I lost my children's respect."
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It's...
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HIGH PITCHED VOICE:
..Little Alex Horne.
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APPLAUSE
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Hello, everyone. Hello, Greg.
Hi.
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I've got news.
Uh-oh.
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Of my new project.
Oh, yeah?
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00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:47,160
A line of clothing -
it's called Simply Alex.
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00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:49,040
Would you like me to describe it?
Yep.
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Well, it's for unique occasions.
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You know when sometimes
your fingers are cold
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but your hands are warm,
so I've got these,
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these are called gloveless fingers.
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Gloveless fingers for
the thumb there, of course.
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I've also got...there's a
pant-less crotch.
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You know in this area?
Yep. That's the end.
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OK.
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It's a good job
I can't roundhouse any more.
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00:02:17,440 --> 00:02:18,840
Prize task, then.
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00:02:18,880 --> 00:02:21,160
What category did I suggest
this time, my furry chum?
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Oh, just another bloody brilliant
one from Mr Brilliant
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your bloody brilliant bloody bloke
because you asked them to bring in
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the greatest addition to a garden.
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AUDIENCE: Ooooo!
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OK. John, hello.
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Hello. You all right?
Yeah.
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I brought in, er,
I brought in a maze.
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Here's his maze.
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Oh, big maze.
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00:02:45,240 --> 00:02:47,000
Yeah. Have you brought in a maze?
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00:02:47,040 --> 00:02:49,120
Well, I didn't bring in a maze, no.
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I brought in a Leylandii plant.
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This is what all mazes
are made out of.
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So, you haven't brought in
a maze, you've brought in one plant?
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00:03:00,920 --> 00:03:03,480
I would have brought in
a maze if I could.
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You love a maze?
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00:03:05,320 --> 00:03:07,200
I do love a maze, yeah.
He loves a maze.
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00:03:07,240 --> 00:03:10,200
Yeah, and I'd be as impressed if
you'd brought in a stone and said,
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"This is a potential pyramid."
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I mean, it's weak. Guy's a fool.
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00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:20,480
Sarah...
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What I've brought in is something
that I've used every single time
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I've sat in the garden
when it's been sunny
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and it is the complete works
of Shakespeare.
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00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:33,200
Oh, hang on, John,
you're back in the game.
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00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:37,640
Here it is.
Perfect...Perfect for the garden.
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00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:43,600
Well, I use a heavy book every
single time I'm in the garden
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00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:47,080
to keep my Magnum wrapper
from flying away.
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Like this.
Lovely...Lovely.
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APPLAUSE
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He'd be pleased. Don't you think
Shakespeare would be pleased
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00:03:56,400 --> 00:03:58,800
that I'm using his...?
I think he'd be mortified.
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00:04:00,360 --> 00:04:04,000
His whole life's works holding down
your Magnum wrapper!
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00:04:04,040 --> 00:04:07,240
Fortunately for you
he's not scoring this.
85
00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:08,440
Dara...
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00:04:08,480 --> 00:04:10,520
I brought a thermometer.
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00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:13,880
But it's a thermometer
that also proves that I was
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00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:16,520
an advertising model
in 1920s France.
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00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:27,680
And also, since, on trips
to France I've discovered
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00:04:27,720 --> 00:04:30,040
it's actually a really iconic ad
in France.
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00:04:30,080 --> 00:04:31,920
There's a whole second career
for you over there.
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00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:36,760
I was quite the character in 1920s
France, yeah, with my Pastis Olive.
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00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:39,360
Wow. Which is olive oil, I presume?
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00:04:39,400 --> 00:04:41,400
I don't know.
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00:04:41,440 --> 00:04:44,280
I just did the gig.
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00:04:44,320 --> 00:04:46,600
Incredible. Hello, Fern.
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00:04:46,640 --> 00:04:48,880
Uh, so mine is a pizza oven.
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00:04:48,920 --> 00:04:50,400
It's a fancy one.
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00:04:50,440 --> 00:04:52,000
I've got a pizza oven as well
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00:04:52,040 --> 00:04:54,760
and I started the fire inside it.
101
00:04:59,640 --> 00:05:01,760
I found this one really hard
102
00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:04,840
cos I don't enjoy being
in my garden at all.
103
00:05:04,880 --> 00:05:07,960
I live in a horrible bit
of south east London
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00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:11,680
so a lot of being in the garden
is just listening to drug dealers
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00:05:11,720 --> 00:05:14,520
shout at each other
or trying to ignore
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00:05:14,560 --> 00:05:17,520
a woman dry-heaving in my garden.
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00:05:17,560 --> 00:05:19,120
Just to remind you -
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00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:21,680
you're watching the light
entertainment show Taskmaster.
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00:05:21,720 --> 00:05:23,360
Sorry!
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00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:25,880
Munya, can you beat any of these?
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00:05:25,920 --> 00:05:28,320
I can G-Wagon, so...
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00:05:28,360 --> 00:05:32,040
I don't mind G-Wagon.
OK. Make a note.
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00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:35,280
I brought in the bird
that changed my life.
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00:05:35,320 --> 00:05:36,920
I'm from Zimbabwe
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00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:39,640
and when we moved to England
we moved to Norwich
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00:05:39,680 --> 00:05:42,120
so virtually indistinguishable.
117
00:05:42,160 --> 00:05:45,280
Now, there was a lack of wildlife
in Norwich
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00:05:45,320 --> 00:05:49,880
so I started to get very homesick
until I met Smooth Rupert, OK?
119
00:05:49,920 --> 00:05:52,560
Oh, my God.
Smooth Rupert is a blackbird
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00:05:52,600 --> 00:05:54,360
who would fly into my garden.
121
00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:55,560
All the birds were loving it.
122
00:05:55,600 --> 00:05:58,000
He was the bird equivalent
of Snoop Dog, OK?
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00:05:58,040 --> 00:06:00,880
Obviously, I couldn't bring
him in but I did bring in
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00:06:00,920 --> 00:06:03,680
a re-incarnation of Smooth Rupert
as I remember him.
125
00:06:07,680 --> 00:06:10,000
He's a smooth guy.
126
00:06:10,040 --> 00:06:11,120
Um, OK.
127
00:06:12,640 --> 00:06:14,080
What you on about?
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00:06:15,400 --> 00:06:17,440
You looked out your window
and you saw a blackbird.
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00:06:17,480 --> 00:06:19,960
You went, "I'm going to call
that Smooth Rupert"?
130
00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:22,920
You've never looked out the window
and seen a pigeon and gone,
131
00:06:22,960 --> 00:06:24,680
"That's an Aggressive Dylan"?
No.
132
00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:31,400
He won me back a little bit there.
Yeah.
133
00:06:31,440 --> 00:06:32,800
Let me give some points out.
134
00:06:32,840 --> 00:06:35,240
So, what is the least great
addition to a garden?
135
00:06:35,280 --> 00:06:39,080
You know you would have said it was
a solitary tree, wouldn't you?
136
00:06:39,120 --> 00:06:40,960
Until you saw a pizza oven
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00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:44,320
that someone had tipped
lighter fluid over.
138
00:06:44,360 --> 00:06:46,040
One point.
139
00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:47,200
Right, one point to Fern.
140
00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:48,800
Two points to Smooth Rupert.
141
00:06:48,840 --> 00:06:51,280
Three points to
a ragged individual tree.
142
00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:55,960
I think Dara's reward
is infamy around France
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00:06:56,000 --> 00:06:59,440
and I think Sarah's doing
a little bit for making
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00:06:59,480 --> 00:07:02,320
the Bard relevant
to a modern audience,
145
00:07:02,360 --> 00:07:04,640
and against all odds
I'm going to give it five points.
146
00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:06,720
There we go.
Five points to Sarah Millican.
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00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:08,120
APPLAUSE
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00:07:10,480 --> 00:07:12,600
Task time.
Yes, it is.
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00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:14,480
So, let's get the bubbles flowing.
150
00:07:31,400 --> 00:07:33,160
Hey, Alex.
151
00:07:33,200 --> 00:07:36,040
Hello, Munya.
Please enter the magical sphere.
152
00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:37,440
Thanks.
153
00:07:37,480 --> 00:07:40,520
Hi, Fern, please enter
the wonderful ball. OK.
154
00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:42,520
Please enter the enchanted orb.
155
00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:44,520
You have to go into
the plastic igloo.
156
00:07:44,560 --> 00:07:46,280
The futuristic globule.
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00:07:46,320 --> 00:07:47,800
SHE GASPS
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00:07:47,840 --> 00:07:51,000
I didn't know you can pens that clip
together like that.
159
00:07:51,040 --> 00:07:54,040
I'm 46 and I've never wanted
something more in my life.
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00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:59,240
Oh, turn on the bubble machine.
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You may not step off
or move the doormat.
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Fastest wins.
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Your time starts now.
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00:08:11,160 --> 00:08:12,960
That's the bubble machine?
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00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:15,040
Yes.
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00:08:15,080 --> 00:08:16,520
Um...
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Uh, power? Um...
168
00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:23,240
Where's the charger
for the bubble machine?
169
00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:26,520
Turn it on how -
mechanically or sexually?
170
00:08:32,480 --> 00:08:36,160
Looks like we cut in the nick of
time before Munya made sweet,
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00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:39,400
sweet love to a bubble machine.
Again.
172
00:08:39,440 --> 00:08:41,600
Um, let's just crack on.
173
00:08:41,640 --> 00:08:45,120
First, we're going to see Fern
and Dara in the dome.
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00:08:45,160 --> 00:08:46,880
OK.
175
00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:50,200
So you've given me these special
pens that hook together.
176
00:08:52,120 --> 00:08:53,720
Rubbish.
177
00:08:53,760 --> 00:08:56,400
I'm missing the thing that turns on
the bubble machine.
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About 12 volts, I imagine.
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00:08:57,800 --> 00:08:59,640
Yeah, where have you put it?
180
00:08:59,680 --> 00:09:01,640
Is it underneath something?
181
00:09:01,680 --> 00:09:04,720
Oh-oh, ho-ho! Right.
182
00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:09,440
Ha-ha ha-ha!
183
00:09:09,480 --> 00:09:11,480
That was dead clever, eh?
184
00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:15,520
Stop. Let's have you two batteries.
185
00:09:15,560 --> 00:09:17,080
What do the batteries operate?
186
00:09:17,120 --> 00:09:19,040
They don't operate this, do they?
187
00:09:20,080 --> 00:09:21,880
Oh, be care... Ah.
Oops!
188
00:09:25,280 --> 00:09:26,920
These can't be for no reason.
189
00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:30,160
OK.
190
00:09:30,200 --> 00:09:32,240
Uh...
191
00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:34,160
Ha-ha!
192
00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:35,640
Ah!
193
00:09:35,680 --> 00:09:36,920
Oh!
194
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:38,640
This is the correct source of power
195
00:09:38,680 --> 00:09:40,480
but I need to be able to open it.
196
00:09:40,520 --> 00:09:41,640
Yes.
197
00:09:44,160 --> 00:09:45,800
There's only two batteries!
198
00:09:45,840 --> 00:09:47,200
Oh, no.
199
00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:48,920
Oh, that's cruel.
200
00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:50,640
That's not going to be enough.
201
00:09:53,560 --> 00:09:55,840
I'm a little bit tired now.
202
00:09:55,880 --> 00:09:58,280
Tired?
Yeah.
203
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:02,520
I keep looking at you, cactus,
as if you're the key to this.
204
00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:08,760
That doesn't sound right.
205
00:10:08,800 --> 00:10:12,440
What if the battery
is under the car?
206
00:10:18,560 --> 00:10:20,600
Dara?
207
00:10:20,640 --> 00:10:22,200
So, where do you think...
208
00:10:22,240 --> 00:10:25,120
SHE SIGHS
Ugh, fuck's sake.
209
00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:30,480
Ah, ha-ha! Oh, sneaky.
210
00:10:30,520 --> 00:10:32,520
Oh, that's irritating.
211
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:36,520
FERN LAUGHS
212
00:10:39,120 --> 00:10:40,440
APPLAUSE
213
00:10:40,480 --> 00:10:42,360
I'll stop the clock.
214
00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:45,080
Thank you, Fern.
215
00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:46,680
It was pretty fun.
216
00:10:46,720 --> 00:10:48,720
Congratulations, Dara.
Thank you.
217
00:10:48,760 --> 00:10:50,960
Do you know the last thing my
wife said to me before I came
218
00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:52,360
to Taskmaster today?
219
00:10:52,400 --> 00:10:54,360
Always check under the table.
220
00:10:54,400 --> 00:10:56,360
AUDIENCE: Ooooh!
221
00:11:05,080 --> 00:11:07,840
So you didn't heed your
wife's advice. I did not, no.
222
00:11:07,880 --> 00:11:10,600
You looked like you were having
a great time to me, Dara.
223
00:11:10,640 --> 00:11:12,280
I was... It was loads of fun, yep.
224
00:11:12,320 --> 00:11:14,080
Dara was quite scientific about it.
225
00:11:14,120 --> 00:11:16,400
He wondered if it was
a battery-powered cactus
226
00:11:16,440 --> 00:11:18,480
and that that's where we'd
hidden the batteries
227
00:11:18,520 --> 00:11:20,680
whereas Fern was more
an instinct, really.
228
00:11:20,720 --> 00:11:22,920
At one point she said,
"I need to get in the car."
229
00:11:25,480 --> 00:11:27,720
But I still solved it in
the same way as Dara so.
230
00:11:27,760 --> 00:11:30,720
You did. Did you solve it in
the same speed as
231
00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:33,200
the scientific chuntering Dara?
232
00:11:34,840 --> 00:11:36,880
Well, they both did about
five minutes
233
00:11:36,920 --> 00:11:39,480
I'll be more vague this time -
about five minutes.
234
00:11:39,520 --> 00:11:42,720
That'll certainly keep everyone on
the edge of their seat, wont it?
235
00:11:42,760 --> 00:11:44,960
About five.
Well, Dara was six minutes 35,
236
00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:48,480
Fern seven minutes 40,
so about five minutes.
237
00:11:48,520 --> 00:11:50,400
Now, a break from the norm.
238
00:11:50,440 --> 00:11:53,040
When you tuck your kids into bed,
instead of reading them
239
00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:55,280
a bedtime story tonight, tell
them the truth -
240
00:11:55,320 --> 00:11:57,680
they're parasites
and they've wrecked your dreams.
241
00:11:57,720 --> 00:11:59,440
We'll see you in a bit.
242
00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:09,480
Hello!
243
00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:12,480
Hello, to all you good,
good people out there
244
00:12:12,520 --> 00:12:14,160
and hello to all the naughty ones.
245
00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:18,080
Over to Little Alex Horne
for a Little Alex recap.
246
00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:20,840
So, before the break we saw Dara
and Fern attempt to activate
247
00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:23,160
the bubble machine in
the fastest time.
248
00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:26,360
Sarah Millican hadn't been yet
but neither have John and Munya.
249
00:12:26,400 --> 00:12:28,600
Here's how they got on.
250
00:12:28,640 --> 00:12:30,360
Turn on the bubble machine.
251
00:12:30,400 --> 00:12:32,240
Yes, please.
252
00:12:32,280 --> 00:12:33,520
SWITCH CLICKS
253
00:12:35,440 --> 00:12:37,600
Is it on?
Yep.
254
00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:39,240
Doesn't look like it's on.
255
00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:41,320
SWITCH CLICKS CONTINOUSLY
256
00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:42,840
What the hell am in going to do?
257
00:12:45,280 --> 00:12:46,960
Oh, how do you make it go all stiff?
258
00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:48,440
Practice.
259
00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:50,120
What...
260
00:12:52,440 --> 00:12:54,480
Oh, look who's here now.
261
00:12:55,880 --> 00:12:58,400
Why doesn't it work?
Does it need batteries?
262
00:12:58,440 --> 00:13:00,040
Does it need to be plugged in?
263
00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:01,600
Isn't it meant to go all rigid?
264
00:13:01,640 --> 00:13:02,760
Yeah.
265
00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:05,600
So fix the bubble machine.
What, so I need a screwdriver?
266
00:13:05,640 --> 00:13:07,080
I bet it's in there.
267
00:13:10,680 --> 00:13:12,480
Heeey!
268
00:13:12,520 --> 00:13:13,520
Yes...
269
00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:16,120
Oh, be careful...
Oh!
270
00:13:16,160 --> 00:13:19,680
I've never used a bubble machine.
I had a Mr Frosty.
271
00:13:24,040 --> 00:13:25,240
Right, then.
272
00:13:25,280 --> 00:13:26,960
Can't step off the doormat...
273
00:13:31,720 --> 00:13:33,480
Doesn't make any sense.
274
00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:35,400
Why is there a dressing gown?
275
00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:37,680
It's got something in the pocket.
276
00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:41,640
LOUD THUD
277
00:13:45,560 --> 00:13:48,040
Yep.
278
00:13:48,080 --> 00:13:50,720
Look at this. Ingenuity.
279
00:13:52,400 --> 00:13:54,680
Do these clip on to each other?
280
00:13:54,720 --> 00:13:57,120
That's not going to work, is it?
281
00:13:57,160 --> 00:13:59,840
Yes. No fool, no fool!
282
00:14:06,600 --> 00:14:08,240
Fuck!
283
00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:13,640
I'm missing a battery.
284
00:14:13,680 --> 00:14:15,480
One in here, isn't there?
285
00:14:16,680 --> 00:14:19,240
That doesn't come off
without a screwdriver.
286
00:14:19,280 --> 00:14:21,640
I need to make a screwdriver
to get one out of the car.
287
00:14:23,360 --> 00:14:26,520
ALEX: You're going to make a
screwdriver out of the coat hanger?
288
00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:32,360
That's not going to work.
289
00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:34,440
Why have you given me this?
290
00:14:37,880 --> 00:14:39,440
Oh!
291
00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:40,960
Oh!
292
00:14:42,360 --> 00:14:44,000
Yes.
293
00:14:44,040 --> 00:14:46,480
Oh, my God. Not this bit.
294
00:14:46,520 --> 00:14:48,440
Oh, that doesn't feel right.
295
00:14:48,480 --> 00:14:50,880
What am I missing?
What am I missing?
296
00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:52,800
Is there something on the floor?
297
00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:58,400
Oh, my God I've found it!
Oh, you dicks!
298
00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:00,400
Oh, I hate you all.
299
00:15:01,680 --> 00:15:03,160
APPLAUSE
300
00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:07,320
Yes!
301
00:15:07,360 --> 00:15:10,160
Right, stop the clock.
I knew I could do it.
302
00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:11,840
CRIES OF EXASPERATION
303
00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:17,360
All right, no.
304
00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:19,960
Oh, hang on, well, that doesn't
matter if it's in there.
305
00:15:22,040 --> 00:15:24,440
Doesn't matter.
306
00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:26,680
Bubble machine turned on.
307
00:15:26,720 --> 00:15:28,920
Thanks, John. Bye-bye.
308
00:15:33,320 --> 00:15:36,160
Wow, it was the dramatic conclusion.
309
00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:38,960
Munya, you know how screws
work right?
310
00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:42,200
Yeah, I mean, you insert and twist
like the best things in life.
311
00:15:43,800 --> 00:15:46,480
Yeah, if you can get them rigid
enough, of course.
312
00:15:46,520 --> 00:15:48,560
Well, that's the first time
this series
313
00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:50,120
we'll have anything in common so...
314
00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:57,040
John, you seemed to struggle to see
the batteries a lot of the time?
315
00:15:57,080 --> 00:15:59,240
Yeah, we had hidden secret
messages everywhere.
316
00:15:59,280 --> 00:16:01,000
On the batteries it all said
"look down."
317
00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:03,240
In the middle of
the string it said "look down."
318
00:16:03,280 --> 00:16:05,560
We weren't expecting people
not to see the batteries
319
00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:07,680
that were right there.
320
00:16:07,720 --> 00:16:11,560
And also John insisted for five
minutes that the machine was on
321
00:16:11,600 --> 00:16:13,520
before doing anything. Five minutes.
322
00:16:14,800 --> 00:16:16,200
It technically was on.
323
00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:17,960
Right. It didn't look on.
324
00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:19,240
No, I agree with you.
325
00:16:19,280 --> 00:16:21,680
In the spirit of the task
the machine was definitely off.
326
00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:23,200
Yeah.
327
00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:26,880
It was off but it was on.
328
00:16:29,080 --> 00:16:30,400
I need some statistics.
329
00:16:30,440 --> 00:16:32,080
Well, I think it's going
to surprise you.
330
00:16:32,120 --> 00:16:34,480
They took about five minutes,
331
00:16:34,520 --> 00:16:38,080
and by that I mean John took
ten minutes 45.
332
00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:41,320
Munya 11 minutes 41.
333
00:16:41,360 --> 00:16:42,920
Wait, so John beat me?
334
00:16:44,840 --> 00:16:46,240
Can't be!
335
00:16:46,280 --> 00:16:49,000
You've got to remember Munya
made a lasso with a torch.
336
00:16:49,040 --> 00:16:51,200
He tried to make a screwdriver
out of a coat hanger.
337
00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:54,800
He constructed a bazooka out of the
pens and the cactus and the battery.
338
00:16:54,840 --> 00:16:58,520
You did spend a lot of time
recreating an episode of The A Team.
339
00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:02,560
I think Sarah was fast.
Was she fast?
340
00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:05,600
Well, I can tell you that in last
place it's Munya
341
00:17:05,640 --> 00:17:07,200
with over 11 minutes with one point.
342
00:17:07,240 --> 00:17:09,680
John gets two points
with his ten minutes 45,
343
00:17:09,720 --> 00:17:11,960
then it's Fern
with seven minutes 40.
344
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:14,720
Now we know Dara took
six minutes 35.
345
00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:18,480
Sarah took six minutes 16
so she gets the five points!
346
00:17:18,520 --> 00:17:19,960
APPLAUSE
347
00:17:22,360 --> 00:17:24,640
May I have a scoreboard update
please, Alex?
348
00:17:24,680 --> 00:17:27,000
Of course you can.
She's got maximum points,
349
00:17:27,040 --> 00:17:28,840
and she's in the lead
with ten points,
350
00:17:28,880 --> 00:17:31,600
it's Sarah Millican again.
There we go.
351
00:17:31,640 --> 00:17:33,640
APPLAUSE
352
00:17:35,320 --> 00:17:37,400
Another task and make it
a good one.
353
00:17:37,440 --> 00:17:40,280
Well, I'm afraid this one is
actually tar-PALLING.
354
00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:43,520
T...it's...it's...
LAUGHTER
355
00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:45,000
Go on, crack on.
356
00:17:57,120 --> 00:17:58,440
Alex.
357
00:17:58,480 --> 00:18:00,560
Hi, Munya.
Fancy seeing you here.
358
00:18:00,600 --> 00:18:03,080
Always here. Hello, Dara.
359
00:18:03,120 --> 00:18:04,280
Oh, Alex.
360
00:18:07,680 --> 00:18:09,240
"Get this..."
361
00:18:09,280 --> 00:18:10,360
Argh, come on now.
362
00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:15,880
"Get this tarpaulin completely
in one of the containers."
363
00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:18,800
"You have a maximum of five minutes
364
00:18:18,840 --> 00:18:22,040
"and you must select your container
before touching the tarpaulin."
365
00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:25,280
"Also you must tidy..." What?
366
00:18:25,320 --> 00:18:28,360
"Tidy everything up within
those five minutes."
367
00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:33,000
"Smallest container successfully
filled with the tarpaulin wins.
368
00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:35,760
"Your time starts after you've
selected your container."
369
00:18:35,800 --> 00:18:39,520
"And you must select your container
within the next 30 seconds.!
370
00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:46,600
Smallest wins, smallest wins,
smallest wins.
371
00:18:46,640 --> 00:18:48,240
That's full of shit.
372
00:18:48,280 --> 00:18:50,000
Let me pick this.
373
00:18:50,040 --> 00:18:51,440
OK.
374
00:18:51,480 --> 00:18:54,640
There's gonna be stuff. So
there's gonna be stuff in it.
375
00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:56,800
15 seconds before you select
your container.
376
00:18:56,840 --> 00:18:58,760
Yep. Uh...
377
00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:03,080
That's got balloons in.
Bloody ducks again.
378
00:19:03,120 --> 00:19:04,320
I'm gonna pick this.
379
00:19:04,360 --> 00:19:06,520
OK.
380
00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:07,640
Uh, I'm gonna pick...
381
00:19:10,080 --> 00:19:11,120
Four seconds.
382
00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:15,400
OK, this one.
383
00:19:15,440 --> 00:19:16,520
OK.
384
00:19:19,440 --> 00:19:20,880
This one.
385
00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:22,360
OK.
386
00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:24,200
Which container?
387
00:19:24,240 --> 00:19:26,200
Uh, the green bin.
388
00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:34,440
LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
389
00:19:37,400 --> 00:19:39,200
Lots of very interesting thoughts.
390
00:19:39,240 --> 00:19:41,240
My eye is immediately drawn to Munya
391
00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:44,000
because anyone who thinks
that tarpaulin is going in
392
00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:46,480
a bread bin is insane.
393
00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:49,320
Well, wait until you see the task.
394
00:19:49,360 --> 00:19:51,760
Perhaps. Who's up first?
395
00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:54,360
Uh, we're gonna start off
with Sarah and "Darah".
396
00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:56,520
LAUGHTER
397
00:19:56,560 --> 00:19:58,680
Your five minutes starts now.
BLOWS WHISTLE
398
00:19:58,720 --> 00:19:59,840
Right.
399
00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:08,320
I mean, I've folded sheets
we've all folded sheets.
400
00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:12,480
Why is there a snake
underneath the... Oh, no.
401
00:20:12,520 --> 00:20:13,880
What?
402
00:20:13,920 --> 00:20:15,840
Oh, there's a snake.
403
00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:17,160
Do you want me to...?
404
00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:19,080
Yeah, if you could, please.
405
00:20:19,120 --> 00:20:20,680
How long have I got?
406
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:22,360
You've still got one minute 45.
407
00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:30,320
It didn't say it had to shut.
408
00:20:30,360 --> 00:20:32,880
It just says it's got
to be completely in there.
409
00:20:32,920 --> 00:20:34,240
You've still got a minute.
410
00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:41,000
That is exactly the right size.
411
00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:42,800
WHISTLE BLOWS
Oh.
412
00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:51,160
WHISTLE BLOWS
That's your time up.
413
00:20:51,200 --> 00:20:53,240
Good work, Sarah.
Thanks.
414
00:20:53,280 --> 00:20:55,240
I'm waiting for
the bit that went wrong.
415
00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:03,560
AUDIENCE GROANS
416
00:21:03,600 --> 00:21:05,800
APPLAUSE
417
00:21:08,920 --> 00:21:12,120
OK. I felt like you were asked
to put a tarpaulin away
418
00:21:12,160 --> 00:21:14,720
and you folded it nicely,
both of you,
419
00:21:14,760 --> 00:21:17,000
and you put it in
the container that you'd chosen
420
00:21:17,040 --> 00:21:18,880
and you subsequently tidied up
really well.
421
00:21:18,920 --> 00:21:21,240
You're watching Taskmaster.
422
00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:23,280
LAUGHTER
423
00:21:23,320 --> 00:21:24,640
I really enjoyed it.
424
00:21:24,680 --> 00:21:27,000
Folding and tidying, what's
not to like?
425
00:21:27,040 --> 00:21:29,800
Dara, did you enjoy folding
something away really efficiently?
426
00:21:29,840 --> 00:21:33,000
Yeah, but I wouldn't like
televise it most of the time.
427
00:21:34,680 --> 00:21:37,200
No, only, only a madman would.
428
00:21:37,240 --> 00:21:39,840
Don't forget, for those people who
are thinking of turning off,
429
00:21:39,880 --> 00:21:42,000
we've still
got bread bin boy to come.
430
00:21:42,040 --> 00:21:44,680
SARAH CHUCKLES HAPPILY
431
00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:46,840
Right, we're off again for
a few minutes.
432
00:21:46,880 --> 00:21:48,920
Just enough time for you
to work out how
433
00:21:48,960 --> 00:21:52,880
to turn down your partner's advances
later on. Any suggestions, Alex?
434
00:21:52,920 --> 00:21:55,600
Uh, well I usually just pretend,
pretend to be very, very sad.
435
00:21:55,640 --> 00:21:57,080
See you in part three.
436
00:21:57,120 --> 00:21:58,960
LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
437
00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:09,000
Hello, and welcome back,
438
00:22:09,040 --> 00:22:12,560
and a hey diddly dee,
it's the start of part three.
439
00:22:12,600 --> 00:22:14,560
Yes, and fiddly dee, fiddly do,
440
00:22:14,600 --> 00:22:18,240
I had an X-rated dream about you.
But enough about me.
441
00:22:18,280 --> 00:22:21,000
Tarpaulin tidying,
that's the name of the current game.
442
00:22:21,040 --> 00:22:22,480
Pick a container and fit it in,
443
00:22:22,520 --> 00:22:25,160
smallest container
successfully filled wins.
444
00:22:25,200 --> 00:22:28,720
We're gonna see the final three now.
Brady, Chawawa, Kearns.
445
00:22:32,840 --> 00:22:34,120
Horrible man.
446
00:22:34,160 --> 00:22:36,160
So what am I meant to do
with these coins?
447
00:22:36,200 --> 00:22:37,920
GRUNTS
How much is in here?
448
00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:52,280
Um...
449
00:22:54,160 --> 00:22:57,280
You're basically making me
do tidying.
450
00:22:57,320 --> 00:22:59,520
Yeah, this starts with a lot
of tidying, yeah.
451
00:22:59,560 --> 00:23:02,720
Do you not like tidying?
No. It's boring.
452
00:23:02,760 --> 00:23:04,000
Um...
453
00:23:04,040 --> 00:23:06,200
EXHALES
454
00:23:06,240 --> 00:23:09,280
Well, that's not a problem, is
it? Just put them back in there.
455
00:23:10,360 --> 00:23:12,640
OK, right, let's think.
How do they do it for bedsheets?
456
00:23:12,680 --> 00:23:14,160
What do they do for bedsheets?
457
00:23:30,920 --> 00:23:32,440
There's a snake!
458
00:23:32,480 --> 00:23:33,960
Is it real?
459
00:23:37,240 --> 00:23:38,400
What the...?
460
00:23:39,920 --> 00:23:42,200
What the fuck?
That's a snake.
461
00:23:42,240 --> 00:23:44,000
What's happening?
462
00:23:44,040 --> 00:23:45,360
It's not real, obviously.
463
00:23:45,400 --> 00:23:46,840
Do you want me to get it?
I can get it.
464
00:23:46,880 --> 00:23:48,560
What are you doing?
Do you want me to get it?
465
00:23:48,600 --> 00:23:50,080
Uh, no.
OK.
466
00:23:53,840 --> 00:23:55,600
Is there things in this?
467
00:23:55,640 --> 00:23:57,280
You've got three minutes, Fern.
468
00:23:57,320 --> 00:23:59,280
But you've put something in here.
469
00:24:01,640 --> 00:24:06,960
There's millions of marbles
and spoons and things.
470
00:24:21,120 --> 00:24:22,720
There must be some sort of trick.
471
00:24:35,680 --> 00:24:37,960
15 seconds.
Fuck.
472
00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:39,080
How many minutes?
473
00:24:39,120 --> 00:24:41,040
Two. You've gotta clean all that up.
474
00:24:41,080 --> 00:24:42,240
Do I really though?
475
00:24:42,280 --> 00:24:43,760
Mm-hm.
476
00:24:43,800 --> 00:24:45,400
Right now, it's inside, isn't it?
477
00:24:45,440 --> 00:24:46,840
It's not completely inside.
478
00:24:46,880 --> 00:24:49,040
Well, it, that, that's just
not possible.
479
00:24:52,840 --> 00:24:58,400
Argh, how do people get bodies in
these? It must be so hard.
480
00:24:58,440 --> 00:25:00,400
It's inside, isn't it?
481
00:25:04,360 --> 00:25:05,720
WHISTLE BLOWS
482
00:25:08,240 --> 00:25:09,800
Argh.
483
00:25:14,600 --> 00:25:16,480
Done.
WHISTLE BLOWS
484
00:25:16,520 --> 00:25:18,560
I guess I'm gonna
tidy up the forks.
485
00:25:18,600 --> 00:25:20,080
Yeah, thank you.
486
00:25:20,120 --> 00:25:22,720
APPLAUSE
487
00:25:26,640 --> 00:25:29,240
Well, that's certainly spiced things
up a little bit, hasn't it?
488
00:25:29,280 --> 00:25:32,360
Um, you reverted to being
a angry 15-year-old, Fern,
489
00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:33,760
at the beginning.
490
00:25:33,800 --> 00:25:36,480
Yeah.
"No, why? It's boring."
491
00:25:37,840 --> 00:25:40,520
Because they made out I really had
to tidy up the spoons and marbles.
492
00:25:40,560 --> 00:25:42,440
You did, that was part
of the task.
493
00:25:42,480 --> 00:25:45,520
No, like, obviously someone from
the crew can do that, come on.
494
00:25:45,560 --> 00:25:47,640
LAUGHTER
495
00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:50,240
Um, what I wrote down
about John was,
496
00:25:50,280 --> 00:25:54,520
"John cuts quite a lonely figure in
this task, doesn't he?"
497
00:25:54,560 --> 00:25:55,840
What?
498
00:25:55,880 --> 00:25:59,240
We're all, we're all, uh, we're
all on our own in this task.
499
00:25:59,280 --> 00:26:02,440
Yeah, some people just seem
more alone than others.
500
00:26:02,480 --> 00:26:04,200
Uh, I, I'm thinking specifically
501
00:26:04,240 --> 00:26:07,160
of when you chose your
receptacle, you opened it,
502
00:26:07,200 --> 00:26:09,400
you discovered there
were balloons there,
503
00:26:09,440 --> 00:26:10,800
you, you took them all out
504
00:26:10,840 --> 00:26:13,360
and then you held them
for some time.
505
00:26:16,080 --> 00:26:18,240
Yeah, you stood still
for 80 seconds, John.
506
00:26:20,760 --> 00:26:22,480
Munya, I'm intrigued as
507
00:26:22,520 --> 00:26:25,520
to what part of you thought that
was going inside a bread bin.
508
00:26:25,560 --> 00:26:27,600
I'm seeing these containers
and I'm thinking,
509
00:26:27,640 --> 00:26:29,920
"OK, obviously there's, there's
something underneath
510
00:26:29,960 --> 00:26:31,400
"the smaller container".
511
00:26:31,440 --> 00:26:32,960
So I was thinking when I opened
512
00:26:33,000 --> 00:26:35,200
the bread bin it's just gonna
be like a sewer.
513
00:26:35,240 --> 00:26:37,400
LAUGHTER
514
00:26:37,440 --> 00:26:39,720
So when I opened...
515
00:26:39,760 --> 00:26:41,080
I'm playing it out in my head,
516
00:26:41,120 --> 00:26:42,760
I'm gonna open it it's gonna
be a sewer,
517
00:26:42,800 --> 00:26:45,160
the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are
gonna be under there.
518
00:26:45,200 --> 00:26:48,080
MIMICS NINJA TURTLE: "What up, dude,
you wanna put that in there, dude?
519
00:26:48,120 --> 00:26:50,320
"OK, come on in. Ah."
But that didn't happen.
520
00:26:51,600 --> 00:26:55,320
God, I never thought I would long
to hear Smooth Rupert come back.
521
00:26:57,680 --> 00:26:58,960
Well, look, points-wise,
522
00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:02,480
Sarah put the tarpaulin completely
in the laundry basket
523
00:27:02,520 --> 00:27:04,400
and then taped the basket shut.
524
00:27:04,440 --> 00:27:07,560
Dara got the tarpaulin completely
in the laundry basket
525
00:27:07,600 --> 00:27:08,800
and just put the lid on.
526
00:27:08,840 --> 00:27:11,680
He did leave one lid carelessly on
the floor.
527
00:27:11,720 --> 00:27:14,120
Who got the least tarpaulin in?
Munya.
528
00:27:14,160 --> 00:27:15,440
Right, one point to Munya.
529
00:27:15,480 --> 00:27:17,800
OK who got the next amount
of tarpaulin in?
530
00:27:17,840 --> 00:27:19,080
John Kearns.
531
00:27:19,120 --> 00:27:20,880
John Kearns, two points to him.
532
00:27:20,920 --> 00:27:22,080
Fern, three points,
533
00:27:22,120 --> 00:27:23,720
Dara can have four but the queen
534
00:27:23,760 --> 00:27:26,440
and the only one who really deserves
any points, Sarah Millican.
535
00:27:26,480 --> 00:27:28,360
Well done, Sarah.
Five points.
536
00:27:28,400 --> 00:27:30,040
APPLAUSE
537
00:27:32,320 --> 00:27:34,400
Right, may we have just one
more, please?
538
00:27:34,440 --> 00:27:36,320
Of course and this one's well
classy.
539
00:27:49,800 --> 00:27:52,240
Greee, pow.
540
00:27:52,280 --> 00:27:54,000
Sorry, I like to make an entrance.
541
00:27:56,160 --> 00:27:57,360
John.
542
00:27:57,400 --> 00:27:58,760
You all right, Al?
543
00:27:58,800 --> 00:28:00,040
Alex.
544
00:28:03,120 --> 00:28:05,320
Gold pen, am I being retired?
545
00:28:05,360 --> 00:28:07,960
Yes, congratulations.
Thank you.
546
00:28:08,000 --> 00:28:10,000
I've give the best years of my
life to you, Alex.
547
00:28:10,040 --> 00:28:11,880
And we're very grateful.
OK.
548
00:28:11,920 --> 00:28:13,360
SIGHS IN FRUSTRATION
549
00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:15,200
Oh!
550
00:28:15,240 --> 00:28:18,960
Oh, baby.
"Write down five wonderful words."
551
00:28:19,000 --> 00:28:20,960
"You've one minute,
your time starts now."
552
00:28:25,200 --> 00:28:26,320
Um.
553
00:28:26,360 --> 00:28:28,440
Last year, when I started
learning one new word
554
00:28:28,480 --> 00:28:31,040
a day people laughed at me.
Now who's laughing?
555
00:28:31,080 --> 00:28:33,520
Me, loquaciously.
556
00:28:33,560 --> 00:28:35,280
Loquacious.
557
00:28:37,920 --> 00:28:39,440
20 seconds, Fern.
558
00:28:39,480 --> 00:28:40,760
Done.
559
00:28:40,800 --> 00:28:43,360
12 seconds if you wanna
change your mind. No.
560
00:28:43,400 --> 00:28:44,800
Thanks, John.
561
00:28:44,840 --> 00:28:46,680
Euphoria.
562
00:28:46,720 --> 00:28:48,240
Ten seconds.
563
00:28:48,280 --> 00:28:52,400
Sex. I panicked, I panicked.
564
00:28:52,440 --> 00:28:54,680
WHISTLE BLOWS
Great. Great stuff.
565
00:28:54,720 --> 00:28:56,160
I doubt I'm leaving the room.
566
00:28:57,600 --> 00:28:59,520
What have I got to do now?
I genuinely don't know.
567
00:28:59,560 --> 00:29:01,160
I don't believe you for a second.
568
00:29:01,200 --> 00:29:03,440
I never believe anything you
say apart from,
569
00:29:03,480 --> 00:29:06,480
"Everything you needs on
the task." Is that how you talk?
570
00:29:06,520 --> 00:29:08,840
All the information, all
the information's on the task.
571
00:29:08,880 --> 00:29:12,040
Why do I feel I have made a
rod for my own back?
572
00:29:13,840 --> 00:29:15,800
"Write a classic song."
573
00:29:15,840 --> 00:29:17,240
Oh, Jesus.
574
00:29:17,280 --> 00:29:20,680
"You must write lyrics for
a piece of classical music."
575
00:29:20,720 --> 00:29:23,160
"Your lyrics must contain your
five wonderful words."
576
00:29:23,200 --> 00:29:26,640
"You have 30 minutes your
time starts now."
577
00:29:26,680 --> 00:29:28,080
I'm gonna give you some options.
578
00:29:28,120 --> 00:29:30,160
Jesus is Lord,
do you need that many wires?
579
00:29:30,200 --> 00:29:31,880
Is that an iPod Touch?
580
00:29:31,920 --> 00:29:34,000
What, was it World War II?
581
00:29:34,040 --> 00:29:36,440
And is it only those
words or other words?
582
00:29:36,480 --> 00:29:38,320
Oh, other words as well.
Oh, OK, fine.
583
00:29:38,360 --> 00:29:40,000
MELANCHOLIC PIANO MUSIC PLAYS
584
00:29:40,040 --> 00:29:41,800
Oh, you wrote out the
name of the song.
585
00:29:41,840 --> 00:29:44,320
Yeah, it's Clair de Lune, isn't it?
Correct. Thank you.
586
00:29:44,360 --> 00:29:46,200
Oh, I think it's too poignant
for this.
587
00:29:46,240 --> 00:29:47,800
Too poignant, OK.
588
00:29:47,840 --> 00:29:50,000
MUSIC CHANGES
Is that Hall of the Mountain King?
589
00:29:50,040 --> 00:29:51,680
Correct. Two points.
590
00:29:51,720 --> 00:29:54,160
How many points am I getting
for this? Loads.
591
00:29:54,200 --> 00:29:55,200
Next.
592
00:29:55,240 --> 00:29:56,920
MUSIC CHANGES
593
00:29:56,960 --> 00:29:58,800
DARA HUMS TUNE
594
00:29:58,840 --> 00:30:01,960
That is a banger. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah. Pop the next one on.
595
00:30:02,000 --> 00:30:03,960
MUSIC CHANGES
Swan Lake by Tchaikovsky.
596
00:30:06,720 --> 00:30:08,680
No?
597
00:30:08,720 --> 00:30:11,000
MUSIC CHANGES
598
00:30:11,040 --> 00:30:12,960
No.
No?
599
00:30:13,000 --> 00:30:14,760
It's too British.
600
00:30:14,800 --> 00:30:17,600
No to Mozart. Last one.
601
00:30:17,640 --> 00:30:20,080
MUSIC CHANGES
I can play this.
602
00:30:20,120 --> 00:30:21,600
I don't know that one.
603
00:30:21,640 --> 00:30:23,160
It's not his best.
604
00:30:25,440 --> 00:30:27,280
You're not writing lyrics
to that though. No?
605
00:30:27,320 --> 00:30:28,680
Well, if he didn't.
606
00:30:28,720 --> 00:30:31,560
What's it called? Not even a
good name, Sonata in C Major.
607
00:30:31,600 --> 00:30:33,840
I need to listen
to it while I write the song.
608
00:30:33,880 --> 00:30:35,720
Yeah. Here we go.
What, you just stand there?
609
00:30:35,760 --> 00:30:37,920
Yes. You have to keep going
back to the start.
610
00:30:37,960 --> 00:30:39,840
This is how I like
to write my raps.
611
00:30:39,880 --> 00:30:41,080
Yeah, me too. Here we go.
612
00:30:41,120 --> 00:30:43,080
ENERGETIC DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
613
00:30:43,120 --> 00:30:44,520
Stop. Pause.
614
00:30:44,560 --> 00:30:45,760
OK, wheel up again.
615
00:30:45,800 --> 00:30:46,800
Pause again.
616
00:30:49,640 --> 00:30:51,400
In.
617
00:30:51,440 --> 00:30:53,360
Where do you reckon people
would sing your song?
618
00:30:53,400 --> 00:30:54,720
In their heads.
619
00:30:54,760 --> 00:30:57,040
APPLAUSE
620
00:31:00,560 --> 00:31:02,400
Can you really play that
on a piano?
621
00:31:02,440 --> 00:31:05,000
Yeah, instead
of having friends at school,
622
00:31:05,040 --> 00:31:07,480
I spent two years learning
Mozart's Sonatas
623
00:31:07,520 --> 00:31:09,360
and that's one of my
favourite ones.
624
00:31:09,400 --> 00:31:12,160
Oh. Too British for me.
625
00:31:12,200 --> 00:31:14,320
Well, I can't wait.
626
00:31:14,360 --> 00:31:17,760
OK, well, five classic songs coming
up. First up it's John Kearns.
627
00:31:22,960 --> 00:31:26,840
# I found a naughty satsuma
628
00:31:26,880 --> 00:31:29,600
# In my fantastic curry
629
00:31:30,800 --> 00:31:35,000
# Oh, yes I found a naughty satsuma
630
00:31:35,040 --> 00:31:38,240
# In my fantastic curry
631
00:31:39,480 --> 00:31:43,600
# The lady on the phone said
632
00:31:43,640 --> 00:31:46,280
# "What? Get here, you prick
633
00:31:46,320 --> 00:31:49,320
# "I will lance you into next week
634
00:31:49,360 --> 00:31:52,840
# I said, "I'm in my new pyjamas
635
00:31:52,880 --> 00:31:55,080
# "And I'm free", I said,
636
00:31:55,120 --> 00:31:59,160
# "I am free to come play
to you and moan
637
00:32:00,960 --> 00:32:02,480
# "Alone." #
638
00:32:02,520 --> 00:32:04,480
LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
639
00:32:13,880 --> 00:32:16,440
It's not far off the original.
The original Swan Lake,
640
00:32:16,480 --> 00:32:18,000
Price Siegfried fell in love
641
00:32:18,040 --> 00:32:21,880
with a swan and then ordered a
curry. Yeah.
642
00:32:21,920 --> 00:32:26,080
I, uh, am fascinated to learn more
about the narrative of the piece.
643
00:32:29,160 --> 00:32:32,480
So he's in his pyjamas so he's
not, he's not well, bless him.
644
00:32:32,520 --> 00:32:33,680
Yeah.
645
00:32:33,720 --> 00:32:36,560
So to kind of, uh, clear
the cold that he has,
646
00:32:36,600 --> 00:32:38,520
he's ordered a hot curry.
647
00:32:39,960 --> 00:32:41,440
He opens the curry... Yeah.
648
00:32:41,480 --> 00:32:43,400
..there's
a bloody satsuma in there.
649
00:32:46,000 --> 00:32:49,080
John, this might seem over
the top, but I think that,
650
00:32:49,120 --> 00:32:53,440
what we've just seen, is
the best thing you're ever gonna do.
651
00:32:53,480 --> 00:32:55,440
LAUGHTER
652
00:33:01,480 --> 00:33:02,480
Next?
653
00:33:02,520 --> 00:33:03,960
Yeah, next.
654
00:33:04,000 --> 00:33:07,160
Next up, let's see
and hear Fern Brady.
655
00:33:07,200 --> 00:33:08,640
Oh, no.
656
00:33:14,040 --> 00:33:15,280
# Here we are again
657
00:33:15,320 --> 00:33:16,320
# Series 14
658
00:33:16,360 --> 00:33:18,080
# Who will become the
house's queen?
659
00:33:18,120 --> 00:33:21,080
# It is me Fern Brady, me
Fern Brady, I'm the rightful queen
660
00:33:21,120 --> 00:33:23,440
# Dilapidated house,
filled with mystique
661
00:33:23,480 --> 00:33:25,120
# Nobody knows what we
will see
662
00:33:25,160 --> 00:33:28,440
# Only one contestant will achieve
the height of victory
663
00:33:28,480 --> 00:33:30,240
# And the task was serendipitous
664
00:33:30,280 --> 00:33:31,960
# They were gifts to the
Taskmistress
665
00:33:32,000 --> 00:33:33,480
# All the other contestants
666
00:33:33,520 --> 00:33:35,760
# They were boot-licking sycophants
667
00:33:35,800 --> 00:33:37,560
# Dara's a big bold imbecile
668
00:33:37,600 --> 00:33:39,440
# Mr Kearns is obsequious chap
669
00:33:39,480 --> 00:33:43,680
# And Sarah and Munya are losers
and I'll stamp on their toes. #
670
00:33:43,720 --> 00:33:46,560
APPLAUSE, CHEERING
671
00:33:49,640 --> 00:33:50,720
That was painful.
672
00:33:50,760 --> 00:33:53,240
You saddled yourself
with some stinker words
673
00:33:53,280 --> 00:33:55,600
but it was a masterpiece,
wasn't it?
674
00:33:55,640 --> 00:33:56,800
Yeah.
675
00:33:56,840 --> 00:33:59,680
I wasn't aware we were allowed
to write a dis-track. Uh...
676
00:33:59,720 --> 00:34:01,680
She really took you all down,
didn't she?
677
00:34:01,720 --> 00:34:03,640
Really did.
I mean accurately as well.
678
00:34:03,680 --> 00:34:06,680
I don't know what, I don't know
what my word means.
679
00:34:06,720 --> 00:34:08,440
You were obsequious.
Obsequious, yeah.
680
00:34:08,480 --> 00:34:11,080
Oh, that you suck up to people
and you really don't.
681
00:34:11,120 --> 00:34:15,840
You're, you're not.
I mean he does, he doesn't.
682
00:34:17,960 --> 00:34:19,080
Wow.
683
00:34:19,120 --> 00:34:20,720
Dara, you're not obsequious.
684
00:34:20,760 --> 00:34:22,280
Thanks, Greg.
685
00:34:24,160 --> 00:34:25,400
INDISTINCT
686
00:34:27,400 --> 00:34:28,680
Break time.
687
00:34:28,720 --> 00:34:30,480
Can I get anyone anything from
the bar, hmm?
688
00:34:30,520 --> 00:34:32,480
I'll have a Smooth Rupert, please?
689
00:34:43,240 --> 00:34:46,960
Welcome back for
a final time this time.
690
00:34:47,000 --> 00:34:49,120
What was happening before
the break, young Alex?
691
00:34:49,160 --> 00:34:50,400
Classical music, Greg.
692
00:34:50,440 --> 00:34:55,560
So I suppose you really should have
said "Welcome Bach." No?
693
00:34:55,600 --> 00:34:58,360
Next up, and putting lyrics to
Debussy at last,
694
00:34:58,400 --> 00:34:59,520
it's Sarah Millican.
695
00:34:59,560 --> 00:35:00,800
Oh, shit.
696
00:35:00,840 --> 00:35:02,360
Here we go.
697
00:35:02,400 --> 00:35:03,400
I'm not watching.
698
00:35:10,280 --> 00:35:14,560
# I look out of the window
699
00:35:14,600 --> 00:35:16,960
# I see greenery
700
00:35:17,000 --> 00:35:19,440
# And some brownery
701
00:35:19,480 --> 00:35:22,400
# There's a toadstool
702
00:35:22,440 --> 00:35:24,520
# Can I really eat it?
703
00:35:24,560 --> 00:35:29,280
# I'm inside in a bralette
which is a comfier bra.
704
00:35:29,320 --> 00:35:31,680
# Less scaffolding
705
00:35:31,720 --> 00:35:35,360
# With my cat
who is fighting catnip
706
00:35:36,440 --> 00:35:40,560
# Biscuits are my catnip too
707
00:35:42,560 --> 00:35:47,000
# Oh, look there are crumbs in
my bralette. #
708
00:35:50,440 --> 00:35:52,600
LAUGHTER
709
00:35:52,640 --> 00:35:54,840
APPLAUSE, CHEERING
710
00:35:58,520 --> 00:36:00,760
Yeah, she hated doing this.
711
00:36:00,800 --> 00:36:03,240
She absolutely hated doing that,
but I think it's wonderful.
712
00:36:03,280 --> 00:36:05,720
Oh, I have such a terrible history
of singing though.
713
00:36:05,760 --> 00:36:07,160
Like, I was in a relationship
714
00:36:07,200 --> 00:36:09,680
with somebody who always said,
"Don't sing it sounds awful".
715
00:36:09,720 --> 00:36:11,280
And I didn't sing for years
716
00:36:11,320 --> 00:36:12,720
and that was THE,
717
00:36:12,760 --> 00:36:16,040
probably THE most horrific thing
I've ever done in my whole life.
718
00:36:16,080 --> 00:36:17,920
AUDIENCE AWS
719
00:36:17,960 --> 00:36:20,360
Who was it who said that you
sang awful at singing?
720
00:36:20,400 --> 00:36:21,640
Ex-partner.
721
00:36:21,680 --> 00:36:22,920
Oh, fuck you, ex-partner.
722
00:36:22,960 --> 00:36:25,040
CHEERING, APPLAUSE
723
00:36:29,800 --> 00:36:34,160
My life is now in the section of my
life that is after watching that.
724
00:36:34,200 --> 00:36:37,480
Everything building up has been
before watching that
725
00:36:37,520 --> 00:36:40,520
and now my life can begin again.
726
00:36:41,880 --> 00:36:43,640
SHE DRY RETCHES
727
00:36:47,120 --> 00:36:49,600
I genuinely thought it
was really sweet.
728
00:36:49,640 --> 00:36:51,920
It was certainly quite
a contrast to,
729
00:36:51,960 --> 00:36:54,120
# "It's me Fern Brady,
me Fern Brady."
730
00:36:54,160 --> 00:36:57,040
Yeah, and the story made sense.
731
00:36:57,080 --> 00:36:58,960
The story did make sense.
732
00:36:59,000 --> 00:37:00,400
I think it's about a woman
733
00:37:00,440 --> 00:37:03,360
and a cat who are both eating
biscuit crumbs from a bra.
734
00:37:04,440 --> 00:37:07,240
Yeah. It's a comfier bra,
it's like a night-time bra,
735
00:37:07,280 --> 00:37:09,480
like the sort of bra you wear
on, like, a Sunday.
736
00:37:09,520 --> 00:37:11,360
I know what a bralette is.
Have a look.
737
00:37:13,640 --> 00:37:15,000
You need a bit of structure.
738
00:37:15,040 --> 00:37:17,000
No, sorry. Um...
739
00:37:17,040 --> 00:37:18,480
LAUGHTER
740
00:37:18,520 --> 00:37:20,960
This is gonna be an absolute stinker
to judge. Who's next?
741
00:37:21,000 --> 00:37:22,720
Yeah. Now it's Dara O Briain.
742
00:37:27,120 --> 00:37:28,880
# Do you know my greatest fear
743
00:37:28,920 --> 00:37:31,200
# Of all the fears,
my greatest fear
744
00:37:31,240 --> 00:37:34,360
# Is to be
the victim of defenestration?
745
00:37:34,400 --> 00:37:38,320
# That fear might seem nebulous,
mysterious, fantabulous
746
00:37:38,360 --> 00:37:41,480
# But it spins around my head,
it's quite gyratory
747
00:37:41,520 --> 00:37:45,200
# They used to do it in Prague a lot
in olden times, political plots
748
00:37:45,240 --> 00:37:48,760
# But listen now I'll tell you
how it happened to me
749
00:37:48,800 --> 00:37:52,600
# I once met a man in Spain who
said to me to do a dance
750
00:37:52,640 --> 00:37:56,000
# "Senor, do the fandango or
the window you will go"
751
00:37:56,040 --> 00:37:59,720
# I said, "No, I will
not go out the window no, no, no
752
00:37:59,760 --> 00:38:05,120
# Take those foul palabras
and shove them down your throat. #
753
00:38:05,160 --> 00:38:07,480
APPLAUSE, CHEERING
754
00:38:10,240 --> 00:38:12,520
Before I come onto the song uh–my
first observation is
755
00:38:12,560 --> 00:38:14,120
I think it would have been nice
756
00:38:14,160 --> 00:38:16,200
to have had more of your face
in the video.
757
00:38:16,240 --> 00:38:20,080
LAUGHTER
758
00:38:20,120 --> 00:38:24,360
It looked to me like a public
information song from the '70s.
759
00:38:24,400 --> 00:38:26,760
Well, it, it, it's based on
a real event.
760
00:38:26,800 --> 00:38:28,920
Uh, where I met a man who said,
761
00:38:28,960 --> 00:38:31,680
"I'll throw you out of
a window." Uh, and...
762
00:38:31,720 --> 00:38:34,720
Where did you meet this man?
In Prague. Uh, and he said,
763
00:38:34,760 --> 00:38:37,040
"I will defenestrate you",
which is as you know
764
00:38:37,080 --> 00:38:39,840
a very common thing in Prague in
times of political upheaval.
765
00:38:39,880 --> 00:38:42,840
That's how they assassinate people.
Of course, I don't know why
766
00:38:42,880 --> 00:38:45,520
I'm telling you that.
Obsequious. And...
767
00:38:45,560 --> 00:38:47,360
Even during that description of what
768
00:38:47,400 --> 00:38:50,360
the songs about all
I'm looking at is his big head.
769
00:38:54,160 --> 00:38:55,960
It did lean into my big head.
It did make...
770
00:38:56,000 --> 00:38:57,600
I don't think you have got
a big head
771
00:38:57,640 --> 00:39:01,160
but on that video it sort
of, I don't know. Who's next?
772
00:39:01,200 --> 00:39:05,200
OK. There's only one person left.
Munya Chawawa.
773
00:39:05,240 --> 00:39:07,920
# Goodness gracious, big brows in
the mansion, spacious
774
00:39:07,960 --> 00:39:09,840
# Got a posh ting
and her back's bodacious
775
00:39:09,880 --> 00:39:12,200
# Never talks slow,
she's so loquacious
776
00:39:12,240 --> 00:39:15,120
# Real fanatic, go to the gym,
but I'm still an asthmatic
777
00:39:15,160 --> 00:39:17,240
# Crowd goes wild, emphatic
778
00:39:17,280 --> 00:39:19,200
# Money up like cash in the attic
779
00:39:19,240 --> 00:39:20,640
# Jovial
780
00:39:20,680 --> 00:39:22,320
# Alex Horne, that's the homey, yo
781
00:39:22,360 --> 00:39:24,000
# Is that euphoria?
782
00:39:24,040 --> 00:39:26,520
# Is it me or did we just get
hornier?
783
00:39:26,560 --> 00:39:27,960
# I'm on Taskmaster
784
00:39:28,000 --> 00:39:29,560
# I'm like Greg but I rap faster
785
00:39:29,600 --> 00:39:32,560
# And when he raises his specs that
can only mean one thing
786
00:39:32,600 --> 00:39:34,160
# Sex. #
787
00:39:34,200 --> 00:39:36,840
LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
788
00:39:45,600 --> 00:39:47,680
Um, I think, uh,
789
00:39:47,720 --> 00:39:50,720
it's the most middle class rap
I've ever heard in my life.
790
00:39:50,760 --> 00:39:51,960
What was it about?
791
00:39:55,720 --> 00:39:57,960
You know, it was off
the dome, uh, you know.
792
00:39:58,000 --> 00:39:59,080
It was off the dome?
793
00:39:59,120 --> 00:40:00,920
Me and the homies were chilling
in the back.
794
00:40:00,960 --> 00:40:03,640
We were freestyling, 8-miling.
795
00:40:03,680 --> 00:40:06,960
Real, real Prague smiling. We were.
796
00:40:07,000 --> 00:40:09,320
Yeah, sorry, mate.
I don't think you heard my question.
797
00:40:09,360 --> 00:40:11,200
What was it about?
798
00:40:12,440 --> 00:40:14,520
Can we have some scores?
OK.
799
00:40:14,560 --> 00:40:16,360
I'm not gonna give anyone one point.
800
00:40:18,080 --> 00:40:21,360
It's probably that I'm not straight
enough to appreciate rap
801
00:40:21,400 --> 00:40:23,840
and also I don't know what
802
00:40:23,880 --> 00:40:25,480
the hell Dara was going on about.
803
00:40:25,520 --> 00:40:28,200
So I'm giving Dara
and Munya two points each.
804
00:40:28,240 --> 00:40:29,320
OK.
805
00:40:29,360 --> 00:40:31,200
I felt the same emotion about
806
00:40:31,240 --> 00:40:34,360
the tangerine curry as I did about
807
00:40:34,400 --> 00:40:36,480
# "Me Fern Brady, me Fern Brady. #"
808
00:40:36,520 --> 00:40:38,720
So I'm giving them four points each.
809
00:40:38,760 --> 00:40:40,800
But the one that really
touched me the most,
810
00:40:40,840 --> 00:40:42,640
five points goes to Sarah Millican.
811
00:40:42,680 --> 00:40:44,400
APPLAUSE, CHEERING
812
00:40:45,600 --> 00:40:48,920
OK, it's time for me to send you
to the stage
813
00:40:48,960 --> 00:40:50,880
for the final task of the show.
814
00:40:50,920 --> 00:40:53,080
APPLAUSE
815
00:40:59,640 --> 00:41:01,040
Who's gonna read out the task?
816
00:41:01,080 --> 00:41:02,640
Uh, Dara O Briain, please.
817
00:41:05,600 --> 00:41:10,720
"Throw your egg and your spoon
the same distance.
818
00:41:10,760 --> 00:41:14,280
"Both egg and spoon must cross
the qualifying line.
819
00:41:14,320 --> 00:41:19,120
"If either your egg or
spoon fall off the 'Knappet',
820
00:41:19,160 --> 00:41:21,400
"you are disqualified.
821
00:41:22,560 --> 00:41:26,400
"The most distanced egg
and spoon each round are out.
822
00:41:27,720 --> 00:41:31,800
"If your egg doesn't break,
your distance is halved.
823
00:41:31,840 --> 00:41:33,680
"Last player standing wins."
824
00:41:34,960 --> 00:41:38,080
So, one at a time, you'll go to
the throwing circle
825
00:41:38,120 --> 00:41:40,000
with an egg and a spoon.
826
00:41:40,040 --> 00:41:42,360
You'll throw them both
over this line.
827
00:41:42,400 --> 00:41:44,000
Each time the person whose egg
828
00:41:44,040 --> 00:41:47,200
and spoon are farthest apart from
each other will be out.
829
00:41:47,240 --> 00:41:48,840
It's Dara to throw first.
830
00:41:50,760 --> 00:41:53,000
O Briain approaches the play zone.
831
00:41:59,840 --> 00:42:02,480
Not a bad throw.
Not a bad throw.
832
00:42:02,520 --> 00:42:05,440
Fern, you're up next. If you could
select an orange egg, please.
833
00:42:05,480 --> 00:42:08,240
Just so you know we're measuring
the egg, not the paint.
834
00:42:12,720 --> 00:42:15,200
Most of the egg has gone over
the qualifying line.
835
00:42:15,240 --> 00:42:17,160
Oh, it's further.
836
00:42:17,200 --> 00:42:19,000
It is further.
837
00:42:19,040 --> 00:42:20,680
John Kearns next, please.
838
00:42:20,720 --> 00:42:21,880
Yellow.
839
00:42:21,920 --> 00:42:23,440
WHISPERS: Kearns.
840
00:42:23,480 --> 00:42:25,080
That is bold.
841
00:42:25,120 --> 00:42:26,920
LAUGHTER
842
00:42:29,000 --> 00:42:30,520
APPLAUSE
843
00:42:32,840 --> 00:42:35,840
It's Munya next.
Green to match him.
844
00:42:37,360 --> 00:42:38,720
I hope this doesn't throw you off,
845
00:42:38,760 --> 00:42:41,360
but one of your eggs does contain
the corpse of Smooth Rupert.
846
00:42:41,400 --> 00:42:43,560
LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
847
00:42:48,680 --> 00:42:49,880
Solid.
848
00:42:49,920 --> 00:42:54,000
He has managed to shove the yellow
egg farther away from the spoon.
849
00:42:54,040 --> 00:42:55,760
It's essentially a form of curling.
850
00:43:00,080 --> 00:43:01,880
That is fine, that is fine.
851
00:43:01,920 --> 00:43:05,120
Yeah. Sarah Millican. Blue.
852
00:43:05,160 --> 00:43:07,240
It's been a while since
I've had any eggs.
853
00:43:10,160 --> 00:43:12,800
Thank you for getting
the ovary joke.
854
00:43:15,240 --> 00:43:16,920
Are you going spoon first?
855
00:43:16,960 --> 00:43:18,120
Is that not allowed?
856
00:43:18,160 --> 00:43:19,960
It's allowed.
857
00:43:20,000 --> 00:43:21,760
Great spoon game.
858
00:43:25,040 --> 00:43:26,760
APPLAUSE
859
00:43:29,880 --> 00:43:31,160
Yellow is out.
860
00:43:31,200 --> 00:43:32,440
Sorry, John.
861
00:43:32,480 --> 00:43:34,640
What, I don't get another go?
No.
862
00:43:34,680 --> 00:43:36,200
John, just to show you're out,
863
00:43:36,240 --> 00:43:38,520
would you put your hands on your
chin, please?
864
00:43:40,240 --> 00:43:41,680
There we are.
865
00:43:41,720 --> 00:43:43,360
OK, it's round two.
866
00:43:43,400 --> 00:43:47,480
Remember, if you don't break your
egg, your distance is halved.
867
00:43:47,520 --> 00:43:51,160
In all honesty, Alex, I don't
understand this one at all.
868
00:43:51,200 --> 00:43:53,240
I was asking John the rules earlier
869
00:43:53,280 --> 00:43:55,520
and he's like the
worst person to ask.
870
00:43:59,360 --> 00:44:01,080
AUDIENCE OOHS
871
00:44:05,120 --> 00:44:07,760
AUDIENCE AWS
872
00:44:09,280 --> 00:44:11,320
I think Fern might be in trouble.
873
00:44:17,400 --> 00:44:19,320
That has absolutely
backfired on you.
874
00:44:21,440 --> 00:44:23,680
AUDIENCE AWS
875
00:44:23,720 --> 00:44:25,640
Oh, my god.
876
00:44:25,680 --> 00:44:27,560
You've lost, Sarah,
you've lost, Sarah.
877
00:44:27,600 --> 00:44:29,440
I know.
878
00:44:29,480 --> 00:44:31,360
Round three.
879
00:44:46,840 --> 00:44:49,400
It didn't go beyond
the qualification line.
880
00:44:49,440 --> 00:44:50,560
We've lost Munya Chawawa.
881
00:44:50,600 --> 00:44:52,240
Unlucky, Munya.
882
00:44:54,080 --> 00:44:56,000
And to the gripping finale.
883
00:44:58,600 --> 00:45:00,280
FERN: Dara.
884
00:45:02,000 --> 00:45:04,920
AUDIENCE OOHS
885
00:45:07,400 --> 00:45:10,640
Not bad, not bad.
Lovely, lovely.
886
00:45:14,160 --> 00:45:16,280
This is so much pressure.
887
00:45:19,480 --> 00:45:22,360
That's a nice throw. Here we go.
888
00:45:23,920 --> 00:45:25,680
Oh, fuck.
889
00:45:25,720 --> 00:45:27,800
Dara O Briain is the winner.
890
00:45:27,840 --> 00:45:30,120
CHEERING
891
00:45:30,160 --> 00:45:33,320
Come back down and we'll add that
to your final scores.
892
00:45:38,920 --> 00:45:41,360
Wow. Big wow. High octane.
893
00:45:42,440 --> 00:45:45,720
Yes, poor old John only had one go,
so he gets one point.
894
00:45:45,760 --> 00:45:48,480
Two to Sarah,
three to Munya, four to Fern
895
00:45:48,520 --> 00:45:50,960
but yet again, Dara O Briain,
he's, he's very good at this.
896
00:45:51,000 --> 00:45:54,040
Five points to Dara O Briain.
There it is.
897
00:45:56,400 --> 00:45:58,000
And so to the final scoreboard.
898
00:45:58,040 --> 00:46:01,960
Well, for the first time ever,
all five have the same points.
899
00:46:02,000 --> 00:46:05,320
No nothing like that, no.
900
00:46:05,360 --> 00:46:06,720
We have a winner
901
00:46:06,760 --> 00:46:09,280
and that winner has 22 points,
it's Sarah Millican.
902
00:46:09,320 --> 00:46:11,800
APPLAUSE, CHEERING
903
00:46:11,840 --> 00:46:13,200
Sarah wins.
904
00:46:13,240 --> 00:46:15,440
Please go and visit
your garden of delights.
905
00:46:18,720 --> 00:46:20,720
OK, were off and you're off too.
906
00:46:20,760 --> 00:46:23,400
But first, let's support the winner
of episode four.
907
00:46:23,440 --> 00:46:25,760
One more time, it's Sarah Millican.
908
00:46:25,800 --> 00:46:27,720
CHEERING
909
00:46:35,840 --> 00:46:37,880
INDISTINCT
910
00:46:48,400 --> 00:46:51,320
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