Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome... Sarah Millican!

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ

CHEERING

Hello!

Thank you very much!

Aww, what a lovely, warm response. Thank you very much.

How are you? Are you well?

ALL: Yes!

Excellent. Thank you very much for coming to the show.

I started my tour in September.

Before that, I did some previews up and down the UK.

I did a preview in a place called Preston. Are we aware of Preston?

AGREEMENT, CHEERING

I parked my car... I don't know if this is a good indication of what

people are like in Preston, but I parked my car outside of the

venue and, as I walked into the venue,

a man offered me anal sex.

So I was late.

I was going to say, "I'll tell you a bit about me,"

but I think I just have. It's lovely to be here though.

It's a nice temperature in here, isn't it? It will get warmer as we go on, obviously,

the lights and whatnot. I respond in quite a peculiar way

to the heat, I think. Er, mostly sort of here.

I realise I aimed that just at you guys in the front there, didn't I?

Sorry about that. Hey, upstairs can have a go. There you go.

Down there gets what I call...claggy.

Anybody else got a good word for that? Anybody else?

Moist? Who said moist?

Moist is a good word.

What was that one?

Sticky! Sticky!

There was a lady the other day said, "What you've got there is LDF."

I said, "What does LDF stand for?"

She said, "Long day fanny."

When I said claggy in Preston, a man said,

"Oh, no, we call that ready."

But what I do when it gets moist and sticky...

..I just do a plie.

I'm not a massive ballet dancer, but if I was a ballet dancer,

I would clearly be a massive one.

I just do that.

You only get a couple of seconds' relief,

cos it mostly just slicks back together.

I did a show in Edinburgh and a lady at the back of the room

shouted out, "You need to use some talc."

And I thought, "Surely that just forms a paste."

I've got a bit of, er, pop trivia for you.

You might not know this. You know Rihanna? You know Rihanna?

Yeah, she has insured her legs for a million dollars,

and I don't really know why,

cos I'm pretty sure she's a singer, yes?

Yes, thank you,

and I'm almost certain you can do that sitting down.

I mean, her legs aren't proper, anyway.

They don't meet at the top or anything.

My mam would say about her,

"Eeh, she couldn't stop a pig in an alleyway."

Just for the record...

Ha... I could totally stop a pig in an alleyway.

Stop it, stun it, put it in me fuckin' freezer.

I do have a good relationship with me mam. Er...

You know sometimes in comedy, you laugh at things

because it's familiar, cos it's a shared experience?

Sometimes you laugh because you're just glad you're not me.

I think this next thing might fall into the latter category.

See if this has happened to anybody else.

Whenever I'm on the phone to me mam,

it always makes me need a poo.

Give us a whoo if that's happened to you.

MILD CHEERING A few of you. Good.

I've looked into it. It's a closeness issue.

It means that me and those people who whooed,

we love our mams more than the rest of you lot love yours.

I love my mam so much it makes me shit.

Try getting that on a balloon on Mother's Day.

Thank God for Moonpig.

But I discovered something about myself recently that I did not know.

I discovered that I am a workaholic. Haven't always been a workaholic.

I think it's much easier to be a workaholic

when you love your job, which I do.

But before this, when I had a proper job,

and I worked in an office Monday to Friday, I was not a workaholic.

I was very happy at five o'clock to go, "Bye!

"Fuck the lot of you."

But I read an article about workaholics by a man called

Oliver Burkeman, and he said people are workaholics

for one of two reasons. Either they're hiding away

from something at home, or they have nothing else

going on in their lives, and I realised, quite sadly,

that I fell into the latter category.

I had my job, but I didn't really do or have anything else.

One of the remedies he suggested to fix this,

he said, "Actively create meaning elsewhere,"

and that's what I decided to do over the last 12 months,

and that is what my show is about.

Now, the first thing I decided to do, I decided to buy a house.

I'd lived in the same rented city centre flat in Manchester

for the last six years, and I really wanted somewhere...

I wanted a house. I wanted to settle down.

I wanted a house mostly because I'd lived in flats for 16 years

and I really missed going upstairs to bed.

Not through the fuckin' kitchen!

Upstairs to bed.

But I was sitting only a few weeks ago, quite smugly,

upstairs in bed, thinking,

"This is the life, I've arrived, I'm upstairs in bed!"

And then I thought, "Shit! Now I've got to go downstairs for food."

But what I wanted was somewhere that makes me feel the same way

my parents' house makes me feel.

They've lived in the same house since they got married 47 years ago.

CROWD: Aw! Exactly, and this is what I wanted.

Somewhere that I could build memory after memory after memory.

Now, I was there sort of late summer last year with my sister,

the four of us just sitting with cups of tea round the kitchen table,

putting the world to rights. It was lovely,

and, at the exact same moment,

my sister and I both heard the ice cream man

and it was like no time had passed.

No words were exchanged between my sister and I.

She shot me a look that said, "Do you want one?"

And I shot back a look that said, "Of course I fucking do."

She picked up her purse and she ran out of the house.

When she came back in,

she told me there'd been no children anywhere near the ice cream man,

just a 44-year-old woman running towards it.

He'd started to pull away, she had to flag him down,

and, as she flagged him down, he shouted out of the window,

"Come on, Mrs! You can do it!"

She came back in with three ice creams,

one for me, one for her and one for me dad,

because me mam doesn't like sweet things.

She said, "Where's Dad?" because my dad was no longer in the room.

I said, "He's gone to the toilet." I don't know what yours are like,

but my dad can lose a good 20 minutes, half an hour, in there.

So she started to sort of lick her ice cream and kind of tidy his.

Do you know what I mean?

Licking hers normally but then spinning this one round.

She was like a fucking machine, licking and tidying,

licking and tidying, licking and tidying.

This one started to get quite small, I said,

"Oh, that's not fair on Dad," and she said,

"What do you want me to do about it?" I said,

"I think you should take it to him while he's on the toilet."

And she said, "Well, if I'm going, you're coming with us."

So, we go upstairs together.

Mam and Dad's toilet is separate from their bathroom,

and I said to my sister, "Before you go further, promise me one thing."

She said, "What's that?"

I said, "You must promise me that when you open that door,

"you keep your eyes tight shut,

"because you will never be able to un-see what you are about to see."

She promised, she knocked on the door,

and my dad said, "Come in," like it was an office.

And, with her eyes tight shut,

she opened the door and handed in an ice cream,

and my dad said, "I cannot take that,"

and we thought, "Quite rightly," because eating an ice cream

while you're doing a shit is disgusting, isn't it?

But my dad said, "I'm reading the paper. My hands are full."

But my parents have always lived near a park

and I'd been able to see a tree out of my window,

so that became another priority.

I wanted to see a tree out of my bedroom window.

Didn't give a shit if it was on a fucking roundabout. Just a tree!

But it became very clear early on

that I'm not massively suited to country living,

having lived in the city centre for so long.

I drove along a lovely country lane, lovely country lane,

and I saw a white marquee tent, and instead of thinking,

"Oh, somebody's having a lovely summer party,"

I just thought, "Oh, someone's been murdered."

One of the houses was owned by a couple who are getting divorced.

It was very sad,

and it was the husband who was showing me around,

and I'd realised what was going on

and I decided just to go through it quickly

because it was clearly painful for both of them.

I don't know if you've ever been shown around a house

or shown somebody round,

but there's a degree of stating the obvious involved, isn't there?

When they say things like, "This is the kitchen?"

I know.

I mean, I call it the biscuit room, but whatever.

"This is the living room." Yeah, it's another biscuit room.

He took me upstairs and he said, "This is the master bedroom."

I said, "Great." He said, "I'd love to show you in there but I can't."

I said, "Oh, why not?" He said, "I can't show you in there

"because there's a lady crying in there," which is sad,

but also quite an unusual way of describing his wife

when, potentially, he's the reason

she's crying in the fucking first place.

But I said to him, "Look, I'm divorced myself.

"I understand what you're going through.

"I know that this is horrible for both of you

"and you want to get it over and done with

"so you can both move on with your lives independently. I understand.

"You have my total sympathy. You really do.

"But I also know that you can cry in the bathroom,

"so fucking move her."

Another house I looked at was owned by a really posh lady,

so I already hated her. That's terrible, isn't it?

You're not supposed to hate anybody. I only hate posh twats. It's fine.

I was going to say, "Have we got any in?"

but I've just remembered where I am.

APPLAUSE

Yeah, you're all clapping.

There'll be a couple of people from Jesmond going,

"Actually, there are posh people in tonight."

But this posh lady was very dramatic in all of her gestures.

She said to me, "There is underfloor heating throughout."

I said, "That doesn't impress me, love. I've got slippers."

And, then, as if to hammer it home, she said,

"There isn't a single radiator in the whole building."

I, sometimes my mouth kicks in before my brain's had a chance,

just said, "Well, how do you dry your knickers, then?"

And the friend that I was with said, "Just chuck 'em on the floor."

But I found a house that I liked and I got a survey done,

and the survey came back and it meant nothing to me at all,

but I've got a friend who's a builder and he said,

"Let me have a look at it and I'll put it into layman's terms for you."

I said, "Smashing." Now, give us a cheer if you own your own home.

CROWD CHEERS

Give us a cheer if you rent.

CROWD CHEERS

Up until this point, I'd only ever rented

and there are phrases that mean nothing to those of us who rent

that the rest of you understand. My friend the builder said,

"There is one thing you will need." I said, "What's that?"

He said, "You'll need a damp-proof course."

And I genuinely said, "I haven't got time to go to college."

Second thing I decided to do, I decided to get a pet.

I've always grown up with pets, in my teens, in my 20s and then...

There's something about the lifestyle of being a comedian

that means you're on the road a lot, it's not conducive to having animals at home.

Then I thought, "You know, I've done this eight years,

"maybe it's time the lifestyle worked around me for a change."

I really wanted a cat, so I got a cat two years ago.

I got another cat last year.

My fella seems to think I just wanted two cats -

he doesn't realise it's now an annual event.

The second cat we got is a rescue cat.

She was just left outside of the vet's in a box overnight, just left.

And she's lovely, she's very affectionate.

Whenever my fella picks her up, she starts purring straight away,

and he looks her right in the face

and he goes, "Who would abandon you?!"

"Who would abandon you?"

I said, "Stop saying that to her."

It's like somebody saying to me, "Who would divorce you?!"

Someone fucking did!

APPLAUSE

But I do worry that I tell people

a bit too soon in any conversation that I've got cats.

"I've got cats!" It's too soon, it's too soon. "I've got cats!"

"That's lovely. And your account number is?"

And that's because... They're not too bad at the minute,

but I've often got big scratches on my arms, and I don't want anybody

to ever misconstrue what those scratches are.

I don't want anybody to ever leave my company going,

"She seemed really happy, but did you see her arms?"

When, truth be told, it's cos I cuddle 'em too tight

and the fuckers fight back.

But the first cat we got, two years ago, a little ginger kitten,

he's called Chief Brody, named after the police chief in Jaws.

I was still living in a flat at the time and I thought,

"I'll let him have a wander round, get his bearings, have a bit of a sniff, a bit of an investigate."

And he went round the back of the sofa. And I was quite surprised,

cos I'd lived there for six years

and I'd never been round the back of the sofa.

And the Hoover certainly fucking hadn't.

And he came back round with what can only be described

as four big, grey, fluffy slippers on.

So, I sent him back round to finish the job.

I don't know if you've ever tried to litter train a cat,

it's normally straightforward -

if they look like they're about to do something,

you pick them up, plonk them in the litter tray, you hope for the best.

Chief Brody took a while to cotton on, kept having accidents, poor bugger.

At one point, my fella and I were standing over the litter tray looking at each other going,

"Is there anything we could be doing to help him that we're not already doing?"

My fella, cos he's so lovely, he looked down at the litter tray and he went,

"Do you want me to do a shit in it to start him off?"

No.

No, I really don't.

It would be end to end!

And the cat would be like, "Who the fuck lives here? Aslan?!"

But I have two friends who look after my cats when I'm away from home.

One of them is an animal lover, one not so much.

Give us a cheer if you consider yourself an animal lover. CHEERING

Give us a cheer if you're not really bothered. CHEERING

It's totally fine, isn't it?

My friend, the animal lover, looks after them because she loves them.

My friend who isn't the animal lover looks after them because she loves me.

It's very sweet. So, the friend who is the animal lover,

when she looks after them, she'll take a photograph of them to send to me

and underneath the photograph it'll say, "Hiya, Mam!"

Cos they call me Mam.

It's not weird. Fuck off!

And I know that we're close, cos whenever I see them,

they always need a shit.

They say, "Hiya, Mam. We miss you. We'll see you soon."

It settles me. Wherever I am in the country or the world, it settles me,

cos I know that they're safe and that they're happy.

My friend who isn't the animal lover takes a picture just the same,

but underneath her picture it'll say,

"Here is the photograph you requested."

"They are still alive. I will check again tomorrow."

But they are house cats, they don't go outside.

They will go outside at some point, but I'm...sort of nervous.

I'm nervous...I'm nervous for their safety,

but also I'm a little bit worried about what they might bring back in with them.

I know this is a thing that cats do.

Have we got cat owners in tonight? Yes!

Quite a few of you. Now, I know that whatever they bring in, be it a mouse or a bird,

if it's still alive, I'm to try and catch it and put it back in the garden.

And if it's dead, I'm to put it in the outside bin. That's fine.

But what I don't know is what I'm supposed to do

if whatever they bring in is still a little bit...

..twitchy.

Has this happened to any of you?

Yes. Oh, nearly all of you. This is horrible.

Let's get some suggestions as to what you think I should do. Let's start at the top.

So, anybody in the top section got a suggestion what I should do with a half-dead animal? Shout out.

WOMAN: Put a bucket over it! Put a bucket over it?

Have you done that, love?

Yes. Yes? What animal was it?

A bird and a mouse and a rat.

A bird and a mouse and a rat? At the same time?!

Like a tiny little rubbish zoo?

So are these all separate occasions? Separate. Yes.

And so you put the bucket over it until...

My husband came home. Oh.

Until your husband came home.

We've got a feminist in, girls.

And then what did he do?

Luckily, they'd all died.

Luckily, they'd all died!

APPLAUSE

That is the best sentence I've heard in ages!

We should all start adding that on to the end of all of our stories.

"Luckily, they all died."

Good answer, lady upstairs. Anybody in the next section down

got a suggestion what I should do with a half-dead animal?

MAN: Hit with a spade. Hit it with a spade!

He didn't even have to think of that, did he?

Just, "Hit it with a spade!" Hit it with a...

Have you done that, love?

Yes. Yes? Ooh.

Was it definitely an animal?

Haven't got a couple of ex-wives in your garden or anything?

Anybody else in that section?

WOMAN: CPR. CPR!

Oh! The rest of you feel like such shits now.

CPR? Have you done that?

Yes. Yes. What animal was it, love?

A cat.

It was a cat?

Either, option one, she has not understood the question.

Option two, her cat brought in...another cat.

I'm going to go with option two, cos that feels awesome to me.

Anybody in the next section down

got a suggestion what I should do with a half-dead animal?

MAN: Give it back to it, so it can finish it off.

Give it back to the...? Give it back to the cat?

Aye. So...so he can finish it off?

And when you... OK, when you say, finish it off...

Oh, right, sorry. You mean, eat it. OK, sorry. I wasn't...

Mmm-hmm.

"One tiny final wank."

A cat couldn't even do that, cos they don't have those kind of hands.

It'd have to do it with its...paws.

You've just made me mime a cat wanking off a mouse.

You dirty bastards.

So you mean give it back to the cat, so the cat can eat it.

I like that idea cos that feels like good parenting, doesn't it?

Cos it's like, "Finish your tea or you're not playing out."

The third thing I decided to do, I decided to learn to cook.

I've lived off ready meals and toast for far too long

and I thought, "I've got a nice kitchen now, maybe I should learn to cook."

And I'm learning, it's going quite well.

I don't always know the right words for things. I couldn't remember the word marinate recently,

when I was trying to describe a recipe to my friend that I'd had a go of.

I said, "Look, you get the chicken...

"It's dead straightforward, you put some olive oil on it,

"then you get some lemon thyme, you put that in with it.

"And you cover it and leave it in the fridge overnight to fester."

But I was in a cafe a few months ago with one of my friends.

She's the sort of person who prefers savoury over sweet.

I don't really know why we're still friends.

She's nice enough. She ordered a carrot cake,

and I always think a carrot cake is such an abomination of a cake.

It's like, "It's got veg in it. Fuck off."

Some people choose to put dates and nuts in it and you think,

"You're just removing all of the cake aspects.

"What you've got there is a shitty pasty."

So she ordered a carrot cake, I ordered a slice of strawberry cheesecake.

On top of her carrot cake was some icing

and then a sliver of something orange coloured, for decoration, I suppose.

And I said to her, "Is that a bit of carrot?" Fair assumption, it being carrot cake.

And she had a little nibble and went, "No, it's not carrot.

I said, "Is it orange, then?"

She said, "No, it's not orange."

I said, "Well, I'm all out of orange-coloured things.

"Unless it's the tail of a goldfish, I've got no idea."

She had another nibble of it and she said, "I think it's apricot."

I said, "I can't have apricot." She said, "Why not?"

I said, "I'm allergic to it." She said, "Ooh! What happens to you?"

I said, "Ooh...

"I get the shits."

LAUGHTER

And she said, "Is it really bad?"

I said, "Oh, yeah, it was like a chocolate fountain down there."

And she said, "Was that just off one?"

I said, "No, no, I had a bag of them."

She said, "How many was in the bag?" I said, "I don't know, maybe 40."

And it was only as I was telling her,

that I realised I'm not allergic to apricots.

I'm allergic to 40 apricots.

But I was on holiday with my sister last year,

and I don't get to see my sister often enough.

It was lovely to have a week together just the two of us, it was really nice.

And at the end of the week she said something to me that I'll always hold dear.

She said, "It wasn't until I spent a week with you...

"..that I realised how many meals you can have in a day."

She had mistakenly thought

that you had breakfast and lunch OR you had brunch.

SHE LAUGHS No!

Breakfast, brunch, elevenses, lunch.

Afternoon tea, proper tea, dinner, supper.

Elevenses...

and then a midnight snack that can last anything up to eight hours.

And a Milky Way whenever the fuck you like.

I've got a friend who's really good at cooking and baking and she...

I was on the phone to her. She was showing off a little bit. She knows some random food facts,

and she said, "Did you know that sugar is a preservative?"

I said, "Ooh, I'll live for ever, then."

She said, "No, you'll probably die quite young,

"but you won't go off for ages."

She said, "If you want to learn to cook, why don't I come

"and stay for the weekend? I'll teach you some basics?!"

And I thought, "It's a good idea."

She said, "Do you mind if before I come,

"I e-mail you a list of things you should have in your store cupboard?"

I've never called it me store cupboard in my life, it's always been the bean cupboard,

cos that's where I keep me tins of beans. But I was a good girl, I got everything in that she suggested.

I ordered it online. I'd never ordered food online for delivery before.

If you've never done it, give it a go, it's amazing.

I typed it into a computer and a man brought it to the house!

Some of you are looking at me like, "Fuck off!" It's real.

I typed it into a computer, somehow a fella got the message,

who had a van...and some food and he brought it.

You're not taking it seriously enough.

A man brought food to my house!

It was like being in a restaurant, but I didn't have to have a bra on.

APPLAUSE

A bit like Nando's, then.

Now, let me tell you a story now, if I may?

Most comedians finish work at sort of 10.30, 11,

and invariably will drive home wherever possible, so getting in at maybe 12 or 1 or 2.

Me personally, when I get home,

in order to get the adrenaline out of my system so I can sleep at all,

I will do one of two things.

I'm not a drinker, so I'll either have a bath or I'll watch a bit of telly.

And, normally, one of those two things will work.

Every now and again though they don't work and I can't sleep at all.

It's rare, I'm lucky like that, but it does happen.

The last time it happened to any degree was February last year.

I got in from work, I did the usual things, no success.

I did the worst thing you can possibly do when you can't sleep,

which is go on the internet, aye, cos it properly wakes you up, doesn't it?

But I'd sort of abandoned the idea of sleeping.

I was happily clicking from website to website.

Now, 2.30 is a normal time for me to go to bed,

when it starts to get to 3, 3.30, I start to get to feel...tired

and, I suppose just a bit... a bit lonely, I suppose,

and a little bit like I'm the only person awake in the world.

And I know that my tired brain

does things that my rested brain would never allow.

Now, if you go back to the beginning of the story,

I mentioned that I got divorced.

I got married the first time at 22 and divorced at 29.

I suppose getting married at 22 was quite young,

but I was very much swept off my feet.

I think the main reason I said yes to going out with him in the first place

was the fact that he wrote me a poem.

Nobody had written me a poem before.

Nobody has written me a poem since.

I don't really know much about poetry, but I know that this was just lovely.

He'd handwritten it, he gave it to me on a sheet of paper,

and I read it and I just fell.

I remember folding it really small and I put it in my purse

and every time I had, like, a shitty day at work,

I'd get on the bus to go home and I'd get my poem out and I'd read it to myself.

And I'd think, "Somebody feels this way about me to have written this about me.

"I'm not having a shitty day any more."

Now, a little after five years, I lost it. To this day, I've no idea where it went,

and I was distraught, it meant so much to me.

But after a while, after I'd calmed down, I thought,

"I wonder if I've memorised it from all of those times of reading it to myself?"

So, I got a sheet of paper and a pen and, sure enough, it all came out.

And I folded it up small and I put it back in my purse where it belonged.

Now, if we scoot ahead to February last year,

it's 3.30am, I'm tired and I'm on the internet.

And I just thought, "We've been divorced nine years.

"That was a lovely poem.

"I bet he's given it to somebody else.

"I bet it's on a blog.

"I bet some skinny, 22-year-old fucking bitch

"has got it as her Facebook status."

So I picked a line from it

and I googled it.

And there were 305,000 examples of the poem.

It wasn't my poem. ALL: Aw!

It wasn't his poem.

It was written by Samuel Coleridge.

No wonder it was fucking good.

But I felt sort of broken, like my heart had been broken all over again.

I felt hurt and a little bit stupid.

I didn't really know what to do with this new information.

So, I texted my fella on the off chance that he was still awake

and he was, thank God, and he rang, and he said, "What's up?" And I told him the whole thing.

And my fella's a very sensible man.

And he had a little think and he said,

"Just because that was a lie, doesn't mean the rest was a lie."

And I thought, "That's pretty good." So I hung up, but I still wasn't happy,

it was still whirling around in my head.

What was starting to happen, that I didn't like, was it was starting to colour my idea of my ex-husband.

It was starting to make me think of him as a bad person,

and he wasn't a bad person, we split up relatively amicably.

He just stopped loving me, which is very sad and hard for me to understand,

given the fact that I'm awesome.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good, I'm glad you agree.

Um... But he felt... It felt to me like he was a bowl of clear water

with a drop of blue dye about to go in and colour the whole thing,

and I didn't think that was fair on him.

And I was thinking, "I wonder if I can come up with another example of something similar,

"somebody who is inherently good but has done one bad thing,

"but you still think of them as a good person?"

And I wracked my brains and I could think of no-one.

I did, however, think of an example of the opposite,

somebody who was inherently bad but had done one good thing, but I still thought of them as a bad person.

And that person was Margaret Thatcher.

Now, I understand the concept of not speaking ill of the dead,

but I also understand that I told this story for the first time while she was still alive.

And coming from a mining background, I will not allow her to ruin my show...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..the way she ruined the lives of my dad and his friends.

Now, one thing you might not know about Margaret Thatcher

is that she was partly responsible for the invention of Mr Whippy ice cream.

She studied science at university.

She was one of a team of scientists who invented the machine

that puts the air through the ice cream to create Mr Whippy ice cream.

So, for all of the atrocities that I believe she committed...

..Mr Whippy ice cream's still pretty fucking nice, isn't it?

But it felt to me very much like she was still a bowl of blue dye

with a drop of clear water hovering above the surface.

And I went to bed and I slept like a baby.

And I woke up the next morning and I still felt OK. And I thought, "I'm going to ring my dad."

Now, my dad is an exceptional listener.

My dad is my second port of call always after my fella, if I have anything troubling me.

I told him the whole thing and he listened very quietly.

And I said, "So, do you see how I've worked it out

"that none of us are 100% good or bad, we're all a mixture of the two?"

He said, "Yes, I can see what you've done."

I said, "Did you know about the ice cream thing?"

He said, "No, I didn't."

I said, "So how does that make you feel now?"

And he went quiet. It could only have been for seconds, but it felt like a long time.

And he went, "Do you really want to know how I feel?"

I said, "I think it would help me, Dad."

He went quiet again. And he went...

"You're not allowed Mr Whippy any more!"

APPLAUSE

In the space of about six hours, I'd lost my poem and Mr Whippy for life.

I daren't tell him that Osama bin Laden invented Midget Gems.

He didn't. There's people over there going, "Did he?!" He didn't.

But my parents were always very good to my sister and I when we were kids,

very good at rewarding us when we did things right, and I don't mean...

When I say rewards, I don't mean like money or...or presents, I just mean with praise.

So, if we did something good, we got a "well done."

And while it's probably quite a good way of raising kids,

it has turned me into a slightly needy adult.

I went in the swimming baths with my fella.

I did one length, one length, and I stopped at the end and tried to catch his eye.

And he looked up as if to say, "Are you all right?"

And I went like this.

And he just mouthed, "Well done."

Thank you!

Well, my parents still reward my sister and I.

Even...even though we're 38 and 44, they still do it now.

I had to drive in the snow the last time we had really bad snow.

I don't like driving in the snow, makes me nervous, but I had a show, there was no alternative.

I got in the car and I drove, and I got there without any real mishap.

I thought I should text the people that knew I was worried about the journey

to let 'em know I'd arrived safely. So I texted my fella, my agent and my dad.

My fella replied, "Great. I'll see you later."

My agent replied, "Lovely. Have a smashing show."

And my dad replied, "Who's a clever girl?"

APPLAUSE

And I just texted back, "Me!" SHE LAUGHS

But they were quite protective of us as well, and quite...

I suppose, quite cautious about things.

There was a lot of things that my sister and I weren't allowed to do,

and...and we sort of trusted them, we knew they had our best interests at heart, you know.

We were very well-behaved kids, so we just didn't do those things.

When I look back now, I think that could have veered towards mollycoddling every now and again.

I'll give an example.

There was a song I loved that was in the hit parade when I was a bairn

that most of you will know in some form or another.

Does everybody know Blame It On The Boogie?

ALL: Yeah. Yeah.

So some of you might know it by the Jacksons,

but if you're my sort of age group, you might know it by Big Fun.

Now, Big Fun put actions to Blame It On The Boogie.

And the action for good times...

..I was not allowed to do.

It was deemed too sexual.

So I had to do this instead.

Can you play the song, please, love?

# My baby just can't take her eyes off me

# Don't blame it on sunshine

# Don't blame it on moonlight

# Don't blame it on the good times

# Blame it on the boogie... #

APPLAUSE

Do me a favour, the next time you're at a wedding or a disco

and that song comes on, do those actions, cos it'll freak everybody else out.

The fourth thing I decided to do,

I decided to let a boy move in with me.

My boy. Sorry, I should clarify, not just any boy.

I didn't just open the front door and go,

"You, put your paper bag down and get in here!"

My boy. We've been together for seven years.

We've always lived apart. Latterly, we were 90 miles apart.

But we both live on the road, so we still saw each other three,

four, five times a week and it was great.

And then I bought a house and he was considering where

he was going to buy his house and he said, "I've been thinking about maybe Oxford."

And I realised that was further away than he already was,

and I think sometimes your heart just comes out of your mouth, cos I

said, "Every time you step over that front door, you're too far away."

AUDIENCE: Aw.

So, we moved in. Shut up. LAUGHTER

I totally live with a boy now. Ooh!

I can see a willy whenever I like.

But people still did that thing to us, when they do that,

"You never really know somebody till you've lived with them."

I hate that. We've been together for seven years. Shut your face.

"You never really know somebody till you've lived with them."

I hate it, cos it's such utter fucking truth.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, some people are glass half-empty

and some people are glass half-full.

My fella is glass too full.

Just fills them to the brim and walks really gingerly everywhere.

LAUGHTER

He's got a touch of OCD that I didn't know about.

He checks all of the doors eight times before we go to bed.

Which is fine, I don't have a problem with that.

I just think it's a shame he hasn't got the OCD that means

he might use a fucking mop once in a while.

LAUGHTER

Oh, and also he's a psychopath.

It's very early stages but it's definitely there.

The way I know he's a psychopath is that he opens the milk

when there's already a milk open.

Who the fuck does that?!

LAUGHTER

Psychopaths, that's who.

I said to him, "Did you not see that there was already a milk open?"

And he went, "Yeah."

LAUGHTER

I said, "Why didn't you just use that one, then?"

He said, "I didn't know if it was all right."

Just have a sniff of it!

I said, "Why didn't you just have a sniff of it?"

He said, "Well, I do, but even then I can't always tell."

I mean, don't get me wrong,

the fact that he hasn't got a very good sense of smell

can sometimes work for me.

LAUGHTER

But we've settled into quite a nice place.

I think we're very comfortable with each other in a really nice way.

He walked in the bathroom recently, to brush his teeth,

while I was in the bath, and that's fine.

We don't go to the toilet in front of each other, but it's fine

if he wants to brush his teeth while I'm in the bath.

And the main reason it's fine is because I'm happy with my figure.

He's seen all of it and he likes what he sees, there's nothing to worry about.

But he did check me out when he came in.

He properly looked me up and down,

which came as a bit of a surprise, and then he opened his mouth,

and I thought, "I wasn't expecting a fucking review!"

LAUGHTER

And he said only two words. He leaned over me in the bath and he went, "Nice torso."

Who uses the word torso?

Psychopath. Told you.

LAUGHTER

But there was one time we were both going out to work at the

same time, both fully dressed, just getting sort of bags

and coats and things together. He was sitting at the kitchen table

putting his shoes on, and I don't know why, but as I walked past him,

I did a boob jiggle in his face, just one of those right in his face.

I don't know why. It felt like a wasted opportunity, cos he was at a good height.

If I didn't do it, when am I going to get the chance again? So I did a boob jiggle in his face.

And I thought he'd do that thing where people

put their head right between and do the noise.

You know, the "whrrr!" Like that. It's got a special name.

Does anybody know the name?

Motorboating. Motorboating, thank you,

cos I always accidentally call it waterboarding. LAUGHTER

It's only waterboarding if they're really sweaty.

That's what I thought he'd do. I thought he'd do that. Whrrr!

Like that. He didn't. You know what he did? He just stood up and did a boob jiggle back.

LAUGHTER

Now it's a thing that we do, and I don't know how to stop it.

LAUGHTER

But when you first get together,

especially if you have an inkling it might be a long-term thing,

and those first six months together are just glorious, aren't they?

And you just think each other are perfect

and after six months you think, "Well, perfect's pushing it a bit."

There's a couple of things that could do with changing.

Then you've got a project. Isn't it lovely having a project?

I love a project.

There's only one thing I'd like to change about my fella.

I need to tell you this first. I love waving.

I don't know why. I've always loved waving. I love waving.

I love it when people wave back to me.

I'm going to wave to you now and see how many people wave back.

Quite a few of you. Upstairs as well. Thank you very much.

It makes me really happy

and it's one of the main reasons I learned to drive.

LAUGHTER

My fella doesn't wave. It doesn't occur to him in the slightest.

When we first got together, one of the times he dropped me off at the train station,

I got out of the car, and I said, "I'll see you on Tuesday."

He said, "Yeah, but I'll give you a ring when I get in tonight." I said, "Smashing."

And then I checked, just to make sure I was at the right

door for my particular platform at this train station. And I turned to

give him a little wave goodbye, and the car was already in the distance.

LAUGHTER

A few years later, I was going to Australia for the first time.

I was travelling alone. I was going to be away for six weeks.

I was very nervous. He dropped me off at the airport.

He helped me out of the boot. Er...with my case.

No, sorry, with my case.

No, he's not that much of a psychopath.

I'm allowed to sit in the car,

at the moment. But I had this huge case so he helped me get the case out,

and I said, "Oh, God, I'm going to miss you." And he said, "I'm going to miss you too."

But he said, "Do you know what? "We can Skype whenever you like."

He said, "You know, you're going to have an amazing time and I'll come and get you in six weeks' time."

Bless. And then I did that thing, you know, you have to check you've

got your passport, and your ticket and your keys and your wallet.

I checked all the things I needed in my bag, and then I checked I was

at the right terminal, and I turned to give him a little wave goodbye.

Six weeks we were going to be apart.

We'd never been apart that length of time before.

I turned to give him a little wave goodbye,

and I could not see the car!

LAUGHTER

He was already on the fucking motorway.

So, I said to him recently, "You know the waving thing?"

He said, "Did I forget to do it again?" I said, "No, it's fine. Don't worry."

I said, "I know you don't do it," but, I said, "you know how much I love it."

He said, "Yes, I know how much you love to wave."

I said, "I was just wondering if there was a bargaining thing we could do?"

He said, "I don't know what you mean."

I said, "Well, for example,

"is there anything I don't do that you'd like me to start doing?"

LAUGHTER

Turns out I'm not as bothered about waving as I thought.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

But when I lived alone, I really liked it. I really liked living alone.

But one of the things I love about living with somebody else again

is I like the unpredictability of it.

I like that every now and again a sentence will come out that

I would never have said.

The most recent one, out of nowhere, he just went,

"Your shed's no good to have a wank in."

LAUGHTER

And I said, "That's because it's a greenhouse, love."

LAUGHTER

This pogramme contains strong language and adult humour.

We're all getting older. I turned 39 this year.

Not worried about turning 40 next year.

Not worried about getting older at all.

That's because I have good friends in their 40s, 50s, 60s.

My parents are sort of late 60s, early 70s,

and they all seem to be having quite a nice time.

What I see as my future is not a scary one.

My parents have this thing that I think happens to a lot of people

when they retire - suddenly they can see their friends a lot more often,

they can do hobbies they never had time for, and they're so busy,

they think to themselves, "How on earth did we fit work in?"

Which must be a lovely state of affairs!

My mam was showing us her diary, she says it was chock-a-block.

She said, "Look at this. We were gonna see Oliver! The Musical that day,

"but we can't cos we forgot we had Swan Lake booked in at the Empire."

She's only this tall, she looked up at me with this face that I adore,

and she went, "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

"I haven't got time to die!"

I said, "I don't think that's how it works, Mam."

Just the Grim Reaper standing behind her, and she's going,

"I cannae do October."

"I cannae do November. Going to see Tony Bennett in November."

And the Grim Reaper's, like, "Tony Bennett?

"I've been after him for years!"

My family are hilarious.

It's very good... We all know it's good to laugh.

It is good to laugh when you're with your friends or your family.

We all know, er, laughing does you good,

cos it's medically proven to do you good, isn't it?

It's medically proven to do you good,

cos it gets all of your dolphins out.

And you don't want them cooped up, do you? No. It's just cruel.

But I'm lucky to have very funny friends and family,

and with my friends, it's amazing.

One of them'll say something funny, somebody tops it,

and I top it, it goes up and up and up... And it's great.

But I've noticed recently, one of my friends

isn't really playing the game, and every time he says something,

the whole lot comes crashing down and turns to shit.

So, what I do now, just before he says anything at all,

I just go, "Bank!"

You've been lovely. Let me leave you with this...

I suppose what I try to say in my show is that I'd like my life to slow down a bit.

It's been very fast for the last five or six years,

and it's been amazing, but I'd really like it to slow down a bit.

I was very slow as a child. Er... Not like that.

I was just a dawdler.

I used to take ages to do everything.

I'd take ages to eat my breakfast.

I'd take ages to put my clothes on.

Take ages to walk to school.

But my mam was a busy mam. She had stuff to do.

But she never said, "Come on, chop-chop!

"Hurry up. We're gonna be late!"

She didn't say any of those things.

Instead of saying those things,

she used to do the music from silent films.

So, I'd be eating my breakfast really slowly...

and she'd lean right into my ear and go,

# Diddly dee! Diddly dee! Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee! #

Just makes you naturally quick, and I don't know why.

I've only once used it as an adult.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You're a very smart crowd.

And just so you know - totally works.

You've been lovely, thanks very much for coming.

Safe journey home, everybody. Goodnight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING GETS LOUDER

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you very much. You're so lovely.

Er, I've got a little treat for you.

We've got a special guest. I'd like you to put your hands together

and give a massive round of applause

to Phil from Big Fun!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes! Hello! Hi.

Now...

I'm so excited...

I'm so excited that you're here.

Now... Now, Phil...

Hello. Welcome. Hello. Thank you. Thanks very much for coming.

Er, did you see, like, the dancing that I was doing to your song?

I did. And did you like it?

It was very good. Thanks.

It was wrong. It was wrong?

Yes. OK.

So, why don't you show me how you did it... Right.

HE LAUGHS ..back in the old days? OK.

So, can we have the music, please?

# Don't blame it on sunshine

# Don't blame it on moonlight

# Don't blame it on good times

# Blame it on the boogie

# Don't blame it on sunshine

# Don't blame it on moonlight

# Don't blame it on good times

# Blame it on the boogie

# Don't blame it on sunshine

# Don't blame it on moonlight

# Don't blame it on good times

# Blame it on the boogie. #

OK. OK.

He's still got it!

He's still got it!

Now, can we do a version that would keep my mam happy?

Is that all right? Yeah.

OK, can I show you the... Like, my version?

Go on, then. Let's call it the NEW version.

I cockily say!

Let...Let me show you my version.

So, can we have the song on again, love?

# Don't blame it on sunshine

# Don't blame it on moonlight

# Don't blame it on good times

# Blame it on the boogie

# Don't blame it on sunshine

# Don't blame it on moonlight

# Don't blame it on good times

# Blame it on the boogie. #

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Now, what we'd like to do is

we'd like to get the whole audience on their feet...

..so you can all do MY actions. Is that OK?

Everybody up! Everybody up!

All of the floors, all the way to the top.

Be careful you don't fall over and die up there.

# Don't blame it on sunshine

# Don't blame it on moonlight

# Don't blame it on good times

# Blame it on the boogie... # And again!

# Don't blame it on sunshine

# Don't blame it on moonlight

# Don't blame it on good times

# Blame it on the boogie. #

One more time!

# Don't blame it on sunshine

# Don't blame it on moonlight

# Don't blame it on good times

# Blame it on the boogie

# Don't blame it on sunshine

# Don't blame it on moonlight

# Don't blame it on good times

# Blame it on the boogie. #

WILD CHEERING

We need to give a massive round of applause to Phil from Big Fun!

LOUD CHEER Thank you very much.

And you guys have been amazing!

Thank you very much for coming. Good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Ericsson