Original subtitles

The sole purpose of this movie is to entertain.

It takes place in the Middle-East.

Current events will probably throw it into a relief we don't care for.

Our team is made of Christians, Muslims and Jews.

We're all friends. We intend to remain so.

Tripoli, Libya, Friday, 06 pm.

French Embassy.

Tripoli - Airport - Saturday, 10 am.

No change... No change!

To the French Embassy! And I tell you: No change!

Captain Augier! I've got an appointment with Colonel Mercier.

One moment please, Captain.

The military attache will see you now, Captain.

- Go in. - Thank you.

My respects, Colonel!

Good morning, Captain. Did you have a pleasant trip?

- Excellent, Colonel. - Major Bloch, Captain Augier.

- My respects, Major. - Pleased to meet you, Captain.

Major Bloch is an agent of the Israeli intelligence services.

He recently had some trouble with the Libyan security and...

...and he took refuge in our midst.

Major Bloch's cover is blown in every Arab country,

so we can't throw him out. But we can't keep him either.

Come in.

We intend to evacuate Major Bloch in secret:

You'll take him back to Paris in the diplomatic bag.

- Yes, Sir. - Thank you, Sir.

Major...

The padded helmet is supposed to protect the passenger's head.

The oriental slippers hold your feet and this strap holds your torso.

- You won't be able to smoke, Major. - Of course.

Usually the air holes are absolutely invisible.

Customs?

No problem, this is the diplomatic bag. Customs have nothing to do with it.

Go to the nearest chemist's and bring me back cough drops and syrup.

- Will he travel in the baggage hold? - Yeah.

He'll be frozen on arrival.

The hold includes a pressurized compartment for pets. Dogs, cats and...

- Everything will be all right, Major. - Yes, I hope so.

We're on the verge of a diplomatic incident, Captain Augier.

We don't want to offend either the Israeli nor the Arabs.

I can understand that, Sir.

There's one thing you must keep in mind, Captain:

As soon as you're out of the Embassy, we don't know you anymore.

You must manage on your own. Is that clear?

Quite clear, Sir.

Our plane takes off at 3 pm, you've got some time to get acquainted.

...then, after the Algerian War, I went into intelligence,

I couldn't stay in an office anymore.

- I like action, movement. - So do I.

The French intelligence service is one of the best in the world.

Oh, yes, it does work OK. We have human material of the very first order.

Yes, and human material is very important.

You're not bad yourself either, are you?

You did a wonderful job during the Six-Day War.

Anyway I'm delighted to work with you, Captain.

So am I.

- I do love this job. - It's a great job.

- Adventure! - Adventure...

And... are you well-paid in Israel?

What about your home country?

- Hard. - Is it?

Oh, yes, we can't be too spendthrift.

Well, it's an exciting life anyway, isn't it?

Yes, exciting.

Can you write an expense account or are you paid a fixed rate?

- A fixed rate. - A fixed rate?

Yes.

We may write an expense account for travelling, so we can exaggerate a bit.

And, in Paris, we've got privileges. Supplies.

- Very nice shoes. - Yes, very well made.

Also, I may eat in the Ministry's restaurant.

That's 4,50 francs, including a jug of red wine.

Yeah, it sure is an exciting life.

Look at me: Yesterday in Paris, today in Libya...

Yeah, and this afternoon, in a trunk.

Speaking of which, Major, how was your cover blown?

A woman.

A French woman. I met her about one month ago.

Such a girl...

I had been working in Tripoli for a few weeks.

One evening, I came down to the hotel's night club.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,.

Here are the wonderful Francesco and Francesca..

I needed a diversion. One month is a long time in Tripoli.

Francesco, are you with me?

I'm with you, Francesca.

She was doing a telepathy number, an old routine.

You've seen it before, I'm sure.

I'm looking at a piece of paper, Francesco. What is it?

An ID. Card.

Does it belong to a gentleman or to a lady?

A gentleman. His name is Nadis Hasred, he was born on october 9th 1922 in Tunis,

- where he works in import-export. - That's my name! Bravo!

Thank you, Sir. Stay with me, Francesco.

Ah! What do I hold in my hands, Francesco.

- A chequebook. - What bank?

- The Chase Manhattan bank. - Bravo, Francesco. Stay with me.

- The number of the chequebook? - 59109S.

The lady's an American, and her name is Rosa Simpson.

Bravo, Francesco, stay with me.

- Are you with me, Francesco? - I'm with you, Francesca.

What do you see?

Nothing. I see a man with nothing in his pockets:

No ID, no registration document, no driver's licence. Nothing.

Can you see a taylor's name on this gentleman's clothes?

No, there's nothing on his clothes either.

It seems the names have been taken out.

I split:

The nincompoop was telling one hundred Arabs that I was a secret agent.

Stay with me, Francesco.

I stayed for a long time at the bar, I couldn't go to bed.

And suddenly... she came in.

- Coffee, please. - Yes, Miss.

- Excuse me, I... - I'm sorry.

Thank you.

There was another client in the bar. An American. He quickly became a nuisance.

Tell the gentleman to leave me alone.

Shall we dance?

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

She told me her life story.

Her name was not Francesca but Fran? Oise.

She was born in Paris and dreamed of becoming a ballerina.

She had to accept the cabaret tour in order to earn a living,

And she'd been wandering for six months from Lebanon to Morocco,

from Egypt to Tunisia.

Room 408.

Room 422.

I tried my luck in the elevator.

May I... invite you in my room for a drink?

- No. - Oh?

I've seldom been surprised in this kind of situation.

What?

Well, when I invite a pretty girl for a last drink.

Thank you for keeping me company. And good luck!

Do you like surprises?

Come.

And a few days later, my cover was blown.

- Are you sure it was her? - You can never be sure.

But anyway, old man, something very stupid happened to me: I fell in love.

And I want only one thing: To see her again and take her in my arms.

- Did you have your cough syrup? - No, Colonel.

Hurry up. The car is waiting, we must go.

- What's the matter? - A strike. The flight has been canceled.

This is a surprise strike. We couldn't warn you.

Is this going to be long?

No. The traffic should be back to normal tomorrow.

The airline booked rooms for you in the Grand Hotel.

But I must be in Paris today. Maybe I could give a phone call?

- Please, I'd like to... - I'm sorry, ma'am.

We're not responsible for this.

- So? What shall we do? - We're going back to the Embassy.

- What's going on? - Stay put. I'll go and see.

Let's split! They planted a bomb.

A gift for the Major. We shouldn't show up now.

French Embassy.

- Major? - Yes?

We'll spend the night at the Grand Hotel.

I hope the damn strike will be over tomorrow morning.

- I can't go to the Grand Hotel. - Why?

- Because she's there. - Who is?

Fran? Oise. That's where she does her number.

We're not going to look for another hotel because of that girl, are we, Major?

I've got a room booked at the Grand Hotel, paid for by the airline.

Come on, drive: To the Grand Hotel.

- Goodbye and thanks. - Goodbye and good luck.

Yeah...

Do you have a room booked for Mr. Augier, please?

Absolutely, Sir.

Would you please fill in this form.

I'll be back down in no time.

Hey, have a care, this is fragile stuff!

- It's true: This is very fragile. - Oh?

Wait, let me do it.

All right...

It's upside down. Let's turn it over.

- No. Hernia. - We must turn it over.

If you have a hernia, you shouldn't be a porter, man.

- Hernia? - Of course not, you sod!

I dislodged a vertebra. Oh, bollocks, it hurts!

It happened to me once already, I stayed bent over for a fortnight.

It cracked!

Oh, damn! Oh, damn! Don't you laugh like that, for God's sake!

Me no change!

It's over, Major. We're at the hotel. All went well.

You haven't broken anything, have you, Major?

I don't know.

Because of you, I dislodged a vertebra

and I had my finger caught in a door. I really hurt.

Are you OK, Major?

What's the matter, Major?

I was bent for too long. My meniscus is stuck!

I can't move my knee.

- Please carry my luggage in my room. - I'll fill my form.

I'd ask you to wait for just a second, Sir.

- Our porter is in the hospital. - Very well, thank you.

You may come out, Major.

With the compliments of the management.

- Nice of them. - Bah, nice...

- Who is it? - It's your drink, Sir.

Coming.

Ok, Thank you, that's enough.

They brought us bottled water.

This is no way to live.

Come on, Major, we'll make it.

The best team in the world: An Israeli and a Frenchman.

Alright, let's get to work.

- What are you doing? - My expense account.

- I took the hotel stamp at the desk. - What?

Yes, I write a bogus bill then put the hotel stamp on it!

We do what we can.

All right, let's go.

Miscellaneous tips... porter,

service, etc. Props... two meals...

- One meal. - What?

Only one meal. There's supposed to be only one client in the room.

Right... One meal, but what a meal it was!

- This is abominable. - What is?

To know the woman you love is just a few yards away and not being able to join her.

Don't think about her anymore, Major, she's not worth it.

I wanted to take her back to Tel Aviv...

And marry her.

Such a skin she had, old sport. Such a way of making love.

- Extraordinary. - Oh, yeah?

She's no technician.

I knew a lot of technicians, but she's different.

She's... how to put it?

Tender. That's it: Tenderness. Do you understand?

She's a woman and a child at the same time.

First you want her, then you want to defend her, to protect her...

Maybe we could sleep, now, Major.

You know, a few days ago,

she was lying beside me, just like you are now,

we had just made love,

and I put my hand on her breast. Like this.

And I could feel her heart beating like a wounded bird.

I turned to face her, I looked in her eyes,

she held my stare,

- and our lips got closer... like magnets... - Excuse me, Major,

but I'd rather not see you living the whole scene again.

- Would you like a cigarette, honey? - Beg your pardon?

- I mean: Do you want a cigarette? - No, thank you, I'd like to sleep.

I'll finish mine and put the light out.

- Have you never been in love? - No!

We have to get up early in the morning, Major.

Neither had I. This is the first time.

It's a marvelous... and terrible thing.

And we have a long day ahead of us, you know.

There's a very beautiful Jewish song...

- Hey, I'm sleepy! - Oh yes, good night.

Good night.

- Go and see what she's doing. - What?

Go and see what she's doing. She must be at the bar.

Her number is finished and she always goes to the bar afterwards.

Are you crazy?

I beseech you, I want to know what she does when I'm away.

I can't go down to the bar at such an hour.

Come on, be kind, Captain.

- Dry martini please. - Yes sir.

Yes, OK...

Leave me alone.

Oh, come on! That's enough.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

- Which floor? - Fourth.

Tired?

I like somewhat fragile men, with soft hands and fine hair.

Do you?

I don't like men with big muscles,

furry eyebrows and a small brow...

And self-satisfied looking... And with large ears...

But you came at the right moment.

- It's me, Major. - Well?

- Well, she was at the bar. - Alone?

- No, with some bloke. - What bloke?

An American. A tourist.

She didn't look like she was bored.

They threw streamers, they wore little paper hats...

Oh, no, it's not true?

Alright, get into bed, Major, we've got to sleep!

- Streamers... - Just what I told you: She's not worth it.

- Did you talk to her? - No.

Can you please turn out the light?

An American?

Don't think about it anymore, Major. Tomorrow we're going away!

An American!

Really? I'll call again by late afternoon. Thank you. Goodbye.

The strike goes on.

They're on the verge of settling the matter.

Planes should take off again tomorrow morning.

I don't have a razor, I don't have a toothbrush, I don't have anything!

I'll go and buy a razor for you later. Use mine in the meantime.

Bah! And the water is not even hot! It's always the same: Nothing ever works.

- There will be hot water later. - No, there won't be hot water later.

This is a lousy hotel! I always end up in lousy hotels!

- It's a very nice hotel. - Bah!

To go on strike like that! Typical of Arabs!

There are strikes everywhere, Major.

- What are you waiting for like that? - Nothing.

I'd like to take a leak, would you mind leaving alone just a second?

No, sorry.

And I believed in her! What a poor sod I am!

Lunch, sir.

OK, Thanks.

Lunch!

They're flaccid.

Isn't it strange? As soon as you get out of France, you can't find good fries.

- Let's drink your health, Major! - Is the American young?

Stop it, Major. You're torturing yourself to no avail!

That girl is no good. I saw it at first sight last night.

- Not too much salt! - What did you say?

Don't put too much salt on the fries, I don't like too salted a meal.

We'll split them in two portions.

No, she's no good. You can trust me, I'm an expert on women.

Is that what you call splitting in two portions?

Why? Are they not equal?

If they are, take this one and give me the other.

We can ask for some more, if you like.

No, this way it's OK. Perfect.

I think it's absurd to torture yourself over a broad.

- No pepper for me, captain. - Why?

I don't like it.

- Some pepper on red meat isn't bad. - No, but I don't like it.

Alright. Here: Cut it.

You can't judge a passion. I'm in love. I suffer.

- Saying it's absurd is stupid. - Major...

- I'd rather have the other half. - Why?

You gave me all of the fat.

So it's true that food is very important for Frenchmen.

And it's true that Israelites are very smart!

- Anti-Semites use the word Israelites. - Do they?

Yeah. Other people say "Jews".

You wouldn't happen to be slightly anti-Semitic, captain?

Me? No, but I don't like fat.

- What is it? - Dessert, sir.

- May I take the dishes? - No, I'm not finished.

- We're stupid to fight like this, Major. - Yes, yes, that's what I think.

I never was anti-Semitic you know.

I even have excellent Jewish friends in Paris.

For instance Rosenblum, a high school friend.

He's in off-the-peg clothes now. It's always a pleasure to see him.

And you ate my fries!

Did I? Oh, I must have made a mistake.

The waiter wanted to take away the dishes, so I finished in a hurry.

Sure, sure, sure.

- You musn't eat too much anyway, Major. - And why is that?

I'm carrying you.

Don't you want some ice cream? It's very good.

She must be having lunch in the pool side restaurant.

- Go take a peek. - With chocolate...

No, I'd like to know if she's having lunch with the American.

Please, captain. Go and take a peek.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

- May I buy you a drink? - No, thanks.

Say,

- I didn't fully understand last night! - Last night?

Yes. Why you kissed me.

I'll explain.

Come in.

Sit down.

Do you smoke? Not smoking is a good thing.

I smoke too much. I should try to cut down on my smoking.

A while ago, I used to smoke unfiltered cigarettes, but I switched to filtered.

But I don't think it's really efficient. I still cough a lot in the morning.

You were about to explain about last night.

Take off your clothes. Come on, hurry up!

- Take this hideous suit off! - What's with you?

Do not argue.

- Oh, come on! - And he wears nylon shirts!

And undershirts...

- But... what is... what... - Let me do it.

But what do you want of me?

To sleep with you, isn't it clear?

- Don't you want to? - I never said that.

Where were you?

Well, she wasn't in the pool side restaurant,

so I lounged for a while then I went for a walk downtown.

What? You went for a walk downtown?

I'm waiting here, you know how anxious I am,

and you go for a walk downtown! Are you deliberately mocking me?

Don't scream like that, Major.

Couldn't you come back here before you went downtown?

I needed some fresh air.

Please excuse me, but it's not easy to live with you.

- But where is she? - I don't know.

I apologize, Captain. I'm annoying you with that girl.

- No you don't. - I do.

- I'm not making your job any easier. - It's no big deal.

Did you buy me a razor and a toothbrush?

No, I forgot.

Major. I'll buy your razor tomorrow. A great razor. The best.

And the best toothbrush there is!

I've come to say goodbye.

The strike is over, I'm leaving for Paris in the afternoon.

Oh, so you're leaving too.

- Lucky you. - Do you think so?

Now I can tell you why I kissed you in the elevator the other night.

One month ago, I met a man, an Israeli,

and I guess I more or less fell in love with him.

Then he vanished, without a word of explanation.

I waited for a fortnight then decided to forget him.

You came at the right moment. It's not important anymore.

- I looked for you last night. - Did you?

- Where were you? - With some friends.

- What friends? - You don't know them.

- Americans. - Americans?

I'm going to the swimming pool. Will you come down with me?

- What were you doing with Americans? - I was having fun. Is that bad?

Fran? Oise... Wouldn't you go back to Paris?

I kept thinking of you all night long.

- I can't go back to Paris. - Why?

Because my contract only ends in two weeks

and I don't have the cash to buy it back.

The manager holds my passport.

Fifteen days at 500 francs a day are 7500 francs.

- It's expensive. - Yes.

- But she could go back to Paris today? - Sure, yes.

I have $3000 left. The funds for my mission.

You're not going to rob the shop, Major, are you?

I want to bring her back to Paris.

Here! I'll pay Tel Aviv back. I'll manage.

- It can't be true? - It is. Go and pack, quick.

- But why? - I don't know.

I managed to borrow from a friend. And Jewish too, isn't that rich?

Yes, sir. He will go up directly, sir.

It's a very heavy piece of lugagge? All right. You're welcome, Sir.

Come on, let's go!

- Not too tight? - No. I want you to know, Captain,

that I appreciate everything you did for Fran? Oise and for me.

You're really welcome.

- Major? I'm ashamed. - Why on Earth?

I must tell you. I'm feeling too lousy.

I betrayed you.

- I slept with her. - What?

It's partly your fault: You kept throwing me in her arms.

- I hope you're joking.. - I don't feel like it.

If it is a joke, it's in really bad taste, Captain.

Oh, it's not a joke. I slept with her and I think I fell in love.

Of course, I'll pay you back the 7500 francs as soon as we reach Paris...

but I'd be glad if you allowed me several monthly payments.

OK, now, you had your laugh: Tell me it isn't true.

Tell me it isn't true.

- Tell me it isn't true! - What?

I can't believe it, I'm going back to Paris, I'm so happy.

- Bastard! - What?

- Er, it's... it's the porters! - I'm not deaf.

Handle it with care, it's fragile.

- Are you alright, Major? - You scum!

- Listen, Major... - Bastard!

Now where is my cutie pie? Oh, the little doggie is quiet.

Quiet, quiet my little doggie.

Being locked up like this makes them nervous.

Be nice, cutie pie! It won't be long.

We're all victims of circumstances, Major.

I feel good. Thank you.

We might have some problems when we reach Paris.

Why?

Because the friend you told me about will probably show up at the airport.

- How? - Well, your Israeli friend...

- Why? Is he in Paris? - I think he'll soon be.

It's not possible. He can't know that I'm going back.

Don't ask yourself any question, Fran? Oise.

I'm telling you he'll probably be in Orly

and the three of us will have to put a few things in order.

I don't understand.

I don't want to lose you, Fran? Oise.

If you tell him you don't love him anymore, he won't persist.

But how could he know that I'm going back to paris

when I didn't know myself this morning.

Don't worry, Fran? Oise.

If we explain ourselves clearly, everything will be fine.

Life is real easy if you don't make it hard.

- Hands up! Nobody moves! - Damn!

- Land! - But it's a desert below!

Land!

Here's a special announcement from the Libyan desert.

The leader of the commando declared:

"If the French government accepts to exchange the passengers,

they will survive. If not they will be executed. "

To exchange us against what?

Against a spy who's a guest of the French Embassy in Tripoli.

A Jew who's guilty of criminal action against our cause.

- They want Major Bloch. - Bloch?

You told me he left the Embassy two days ago, didn't you?

Yes, Your Excellency.

I took the responsability of sending him in the Diplomatic bag.

Has he reached his destination?

No...

Don't tell me he's in the... He is.

- It's not true, is it? - It is.

- And it's a disaster. - It's not possible.

So he was in your trunk at the hotel while we...?

That is disgusting.

- I know, Fran? Oise. I was embarrassed. - Oh, were you?

- Why do you laugh? - You are a pig, Mr. Augier.

A very serious and very highly rated officer.

Captain Augier is one of our best intelligence agents.

He can't do a thing. He's stuck too.

- We are all stuck in this case. - I know.

How could France admit to the world, and the Arab world in particular,

taking active participation in the escape of a Jewish spy?

- This is a bad situation. - Yes, Mercier,

- it's worrisome. Very worrisome! - This is more than just worrisome.

- True... This is... - This is deep shit.

The French government still hasn't given us an answer.

If we don't have anything before nightfall, we'll first blow up the plane...

- Where are you going? - To get my trunk.

My dog! Please, sir, what about my dog? Please,

my little dog is in the plane.

- I'm from WSPA, Sir! - What?

- From WSPA! - What is WSPA?

If you fail to evacuate all animals from the plane, you'll be in trouble with WSPA.

- Evacuate all animals. - Thank you, mister leader, thank you.

Don't come with me.

I'm telling you to stay away: It's probably going to be nasty.

My cutie pie. My darling cutie pie. How impatient he is. Poor cutie pie...

- Go away. - No.

Come on my little cutie pie, come with me. We've arrived.

- What is that? - My trunk.

- What's in it? - Conjuring stuff.

We're cabaret artists: This is our equipment.

There are rabbits and doves in this trunk: Should we open it, they would escape.

Conjuring stuff?

Here, look. Occupation: Cabaret artist.

He's my partner. And this trunk is our meal ticket.

- Open the trunk. - He doesn't believe us?

It certainly seems so. Couldn't we do our number?

- What? - Yes.

Sir? With your permission, we're going to perform our most spectacular trick:

The Mysterious Hand. A classic we performed on every stage in the world.

If the gentleman... agrees to give us a hand and hide under the blanket.

OK!

And now, I'll count to three

and this man under the blanket will disappear and find himself in this trunk.

Pay attention, I'll now count. One! Two! Three!

Hands up! All of you!

- I repeat that I thought you denounced me. - Denounced you!

Try to understand, Fran? Oise. In my line of work, you can't always do what you want.

- Yours is a disgusting job. - Oh no, don't say that.

It's a great job, Fran? Oise.

To spy, lie, kill then hide in a trunk? Oh yes, it's a great job.

And that is no reason to sleep with the first bloke who happens along.

Be nice, Major. You've insulted me enough.

I wanted to take you to Tel Aviv... and to marry you, Fran? Oise.

There's no way she's going to Tel Aviv. She's going back to Paris with me.

Why don't you mind your own business?

We already discussed this. I'm taking her to Paris, period.

I met her first. I'll take her to Tel Aviv. And the hell with you.

- And me? Where are you taking me? - Oh, sorry.

You're certainly making a hell out of my life.

Come on, get out. But she won't go to Tel Aviv.

Couldn't you ask me what I think?

You're not going to leave with this dope, Fran? Oise?

Do you know what the dope is saying to you?

Yes, yes, I know.

- They released the hostages. - Ouch.

- They probably found Bloch. - Poor Augier.

But won't you look at him, Fran? Oise? He's ugly! He's an ape!

He's vulgar, self-satisfied, uneducated, grumpy, and glad to be... Well,

- he's French. - Don't go too far, Major.

And he's a crook: I paid for your passport, he ripped 7500 francs off me.

I said I would pay you back in Paris. Don't be such a Jew!

Oh, I'm sorry, Major. It just slipped out.

Just wait a little and the sod will call me a dirty Jew.

The sod says: Fuck off!

Captain Augier, missing in action during a mission in Tripoli, was the living image

of the friendship between the French army and the Israeli army.

Alright. Write down a few lines on the topic then send them tomorrow to Tel Aviv.

Right, Your Excellency.

We'll be able to deliver a few more Mirages to the Libyans.

Major. I'm sorry about what I said, Major.

You'll think that...

But I swear I've got nothing against Israelites.

For instance, should my sister tell me: I want to marry an Israelite,

I would tell her: Go on, marry your Israelite!

- Well, if she's anything like you, she's no bargain. - What?

I don't want to marry your sister. I don't give a damn about your sister.

I don't care, I'm an only child. I don't give a damn about her either...

Enough!

- We're out of gasoline. Almost. - Well, let's stop, Major.

We must get our bearings.

- We must have gone round in circles. - It's no fault of yours, Major.

Someone's coming.

- It's a Jeep. - Let me handle this.

Are you going back inside?

While we're still in an Arab country, it's better.

No, no, do not close it.

Get out of the car. If they're Libyans, throw yourself on the sand!

What?

It looks like a Police Jeep.

What do you mean: Throw yourself on the sand?

You're not going to fire at them, are you?

They're not Libyans! We must have crossed the border!

- I'll take care of them, Major. - I've had enough. Let me handle this.

- Good morning, gentlemen. - Good morning, madam.

We went for a ride in the desert and got lost.

- Maybe you could put us back on our way? - You're just a few miles from Gab? s.

- Oh, fine. - You just drive straight ahead.

- This way? - Yes. You'll find a track

and then it's a twenty minutes drive.

- That's great. Thank you. - Goodbye, madam.

Relax, Fran? Oise. Bloch and I are professionals.

Our job is to limit the damage. To be vigilant.

If I weren't vigilant, I wouldn't be in this car. Nor would Major Bloch.

If you must get out your gun each time we meet an Arab...

I'd rather be left at a taxi stand.

- What can be in this? - The trunk!

The man screws up at every occasion!

- We'll open it at the police station. - And why not now?

It's us again. Oh, so you found it.

It fell on the track and we didn't even notice, how stupid can you be?

- What fell on the track? - My trunk did.

If you misplaced something, Sir, you'll file a report of loss at the police station.

Oh, come on, this is outrageous: You saw it in our car earlier!

It fell out, you picked it up, fine: Give it back to me!

- What's in this trunk, Sir? - Personal belongings.

Well, you just write down a list of the stuff inside the trunk,

and should it match what we'll find, there won't be any problem.

There must be a way to settle this, Georges.

The gentlemen bothered to pick up our trunk and brought it back to us:

- Don't they deserve a small reward? - What?

- A small reward. - What do you mean, a small reward?

A small reward!

Here!

No, that's enough.

Here.

Lost items must be claimed at the police station, Sir.

We'll help you to put it back in the car.

- It's quite heavy, isn't it? - Don't I know it!

Thank you, Gentlemen, you've been very helpful. Thank you.

- It's heavy... - I know!

Now that we're not in Libya anymore, things will be easier.

My cover is blown in every Arab country.

Anyway, we can't use the diplomatic bag anymore. That's over.

- We can't think of flying now. - I, for one, am going back to Paris.

- You're not going to leave us, are you? - You're not serious!

- I want to go back to Paris. - But you can't do this to us, Fran? Oise!

- No, it's not possible. - Yes it's possible:

My plane takes off tomorrow morning at the earliest hour.

I've seen enough of North Africa, if you can believe that.

Fran? Oise!

Are all men like this in the Secret Services?

- Beg your pardon? - What?

Look at you, you look like the Two Orphans...

Alright: If we can't fly, how shall we get home?

- Don't worry, Fran? Oise! - We'll take care of everything!

No! I'm going to have a bite by the swimming pool.

- She's nice. - Yeah...

I'd like us to settle this once and for all, old chap.

I met this girl before you did and I proposed to her.

So stop looking at her with bulging fish eyes

and mind your mission. Is that clear?

- I won't hear of it. - I was talking to the officer.

Oh, the officer? The officer is fed up! He's been carrying you for two days,

so if you go on bugging him, he will leave everything be. Is that clear too?

I'll inform your superiors of your answer.

- Yes, yes, yes. - Yes, yes, because... yes, yes...

Where are you going? Captain!

It's me, Major.

We're really acting like two kids, Major.

How great is the best team in the world!

- I don't know what's happening to me. - Neither do I.

You know, I've met women

- worth at least as much as she is. - So have I.

- We must try and control ourselves, - Yes.

- Our mission first! - Yes, Major.

We'll settle our little personal problems afterwards.

- Alright, Major. - Where are you going?

I'm going to have a bite by the swimming pool!

Augier... you can very easily have a bite here.

No, I need some fresh air.

You're going to have lunch with her, right?

I've got a right to eat by the swimming pool, haven't I?

Do not lie! You want to show off in front of that girl. Say it! Don't be so devious!

- Oh, shit, leave me alone! - But, Captain...

And what am I going to eat?

It was wonderful! She couln't go on anymore! She was exhausted!

I had the strength to do it three more times! Not everybody can!

Bravo.

Georges, may I introduce you to Mr. Milandris. My brother.

Ah, ah! Sir...

Mr. Milandris owns a magnificent yacht. He's invited me for a cruise.

- Yes. - So what?

- Mr. Milandris owns a boat. - Oh, yes, fine. Good morning, Sir.

Call me Baby, honey! All my friends call me Baby.

You have a ravishing sister, little Georges. Have a drink?

To love!

Baby leaves for Sicily this very afternoon. Isn't it wonderful?

You'll see: You'll never get bored with Baby!

- Would you like a Havana? - No, thank you, I don't smoke cigars.

- May I say a word to you, Sir? - Excuse me...

And there was this Swedish girl. A Swedish girl I met in Capri...

I must tell you about her: She was a... a nymphomaniac.

Ah, ah, ah! What a holiday that was!

Let's go up to your room. It will be quieter for a chat.

- A chat about what? - I'm deeply intrigued by your trunk.

It was the first time I ever earned a hundred dollars by finding a lost object.

Well, alright, let's go.

You don't have to come up: You won't get anything more.

Look: I can come back in uniform and with a warrant,

but I don't think it would be in your interest.

- What floor? - Fourth.

- I feel that I was not wrong. - What do you want exactly?

Do you know what we do to smugglers in this country?

Why don't you report me if you think I'm a smuggler?

It's always possible to find an agreement, isn't it?

Listen: Fifty fifty, alright?

- After you. - Please.

Sorry.

Well well...

- Is he dead? - No.

- What did he want? - To split you in half.

- Come on: Help me! - We really needed this.

Will you help me, for God's sake?

I'll never go back to Israel. I'm cursed.

Everybody unites against me.

I'm telling you it's not even worth fighting. It's over!

Hey, keep the Wailing Wall for another time.

- Who is it? - Fran? Oise.

- I'm cursed. - He wanted to blackmail us.

You ARE doing a great job.

OK, Fran? Oise, go and flirt with the Greek! We must get away as soon as possible.

Go!

Murder attempt! The man struck me! It's a murder attempt, commissioner?

A dark-haired man about forty. He was with a blonde. He had a large trunk.

- So how are you, little one? - Fine!

Fran? Oise wanted to buy a bathing suit, so I'd better tell you now:

No bathing suits on Baby's boat. Everybody au naturel!

- How old are you? - Well, forty... Forty... something...

Isn't it a bit old to be called Baby?

Baby tells me he has a wonderful movie collection.

Yes. Danish movies, Swedish movies, the best there is in the field.

I'll show you tonight!

She'd give a hard on to a dead man.

Go and rest a while: I'll work.

Oh, the naughty girl doesn't wear anything under her shirt, does she?

- Hold the helm! - Take this off. These must be ventilated.

Enough! No!

- What is she doing with the old billy goat? - I don't know.

- We stay here like two sods while... - Stop it, that's enough.

Go and bust his head, what are you waiting for?

To be out of territorial waters.

That will give them time to have fun. She won't fight him, it's not her style.

- Will you shut up now? - She's a very modern girl.

I saw how she acted with you.

- I was the karate intructor of my commando. - Great. So was I.

- I have waited a long time for this moment. - So have I.

- Oh, the naughty girl is so strong! - Enough! No!

- We must have... hit something. - What?

We must have hit something!

- We're sinking. We rammed another boat! - What a sod that Baby is!

- I'm sorry, it was a stupid accident. - The dope tried to rape me!

Well, it's no problem: We'll just board the ship and go back to Tunisia.

- What ship? - The ship I rammed into.

- It's barely damaged, I mean it's OK. - What kind of a ship is it?

It's an Egyptian destroyer, a very good ship.

Egyptian...

I'm Lieutenant Foued, the security officer aboard this ship.

I'm sorry for the false move. My insurance will pay for the damage.

You'll take us back to Tunisia and I'll take care of the paperwork.

I fear we can't take you back to Tunisia, Sir.

Why is that?

As soon as the repairs are completed, we must go back to Egypt.

But I have no business affairs in Egypt...

No civilian should ever come aboard this ship.

We're now forced to conduct a very thorough investigation about you.

Now, this is crazy. I'm a Greek citizen. Just call my Embassy!

Keeping us on this ship is outrageous!

- What does it mean? - That we're all going to jail in Cairo

and they'll merrily shoot us in a few months.

- Here we are, Major. - Our trip is over.

- Yes, it's sad. - It sure is.

I wanted so much to bring you back to Paris.

And me to bring you back to Tel Aviv, Fran? Oise.

- Fran? Oise? - Yes.

Now you can tell us. Would you have gone with him or with me?

- Fran? Oise, I love you. - Don't say that.

But it's true, Fran? Oise: We love you. Don't we, Major?

Very, very much.

We might be shot tomorrow but we had a great time.

No, we'll make it.

- Of course not. It's all over now. - It looks bad to me indeed.

- I'll take care of the Lieutenant. - What?

- I'll take care of the Lieutenant! - Oh no.

- That is out of the question! - Certainly not.

Hello. Please forgive the intrusion but I must ask you a number of questions.

My pleasure, Lieutenant.

I'll ask you to open your luggage.

I'll tell you the whole story of my life. With all the details.

Will you?

I'd rather for my brother not to be present during our talk, is that possible?

Yes, yes, I can interrogate you in my cabin.

- But it's... - It's a very good idea.

How wonderful! So young a Lieutenant in charge of so big a ship.

My cabin is something of a mess, sorry about that.

Now an Egyptian...

One Egyptian, one Greek, one Frenchman...

She's really having the most degenerate there are.

It hurts, doesn't it?

Oh yes, we're doing a great job.

- If we get out of this alive, I'll resign. - So shall I. I'll resign.

- I'll go! - Where?

- To shoot the Egyptian. - Calm down!

- I can't. - Come on, Major.

I'm not going back in the trunk anyway. Never again!

Don't cry out like that!

I attended an engineer school for four years. Then I did the War School

and I came first in my year.

My IQ is very superior to the average, my physical condition is perfect, I'm never ill!

I left Tripoli two days ago, I went to Tunisia and I'm now in Egypt!

There's no reason for it to stop!

I'm going around the world in the fucking trunk!

Oh, I'm cursed! God has me paying the bill again and I don't know why!

He does the wandering Jew bit to me, but He perfected the curse:

I'm sentenced to wander inside a trunk and, what's more,

the guy who carries me is banging my girl.

So, I'm really sorry but I'm having a nervous breakdown.

It's nothing. Here, blow your nose. Come on.

- It's over... Come on, it's over now. - Yes...

- No... It's not over at all... - Come on, come on.

Coming!

- Well? - He'll launch a dinghy tonight.

- What a nice guy. - Very nice.

- Did you have a good time? - Don't be silly.

I'm exhausted.

- What is he doing? - I don't know. It looks like he's coming with us.

- What do you mean, with us? - Let's go.

He's not going to desert, is he?

Lieutenant! You're not going to desert, are you?

- I love your sister. - My sister?

I took all those chances, I sacrified my soldier's honour

- because I love your sister. - He's mad as a hatter!

I won't hear of it: My sister is not free.

Go back to your ship and leave us alone!

- Shh! You'll wake everybody up. - Row.

- What? - Shut up and row.

- Come and sit by my side. - This really is not the right time, Abdul.

- And his name is Abdul to boot. - Please shut up and row.

I'm coming.

Don't you all sit on the trunk, it's not a bench!

It takes all the space. What's in the trunk?

Let's get away from the ship, we'll talk later.

Quiet, quiet.

When we push the Jews into the sea and my country is no longer at war,

I'll take you back home.

You may well laugh!

Egypt will triumph over Zionism and the state of Israel will be wiped off the map.

- And I must listen to this bullshit! - What?

- Will you shut up, Major? - I'm no Major. I'm a lieutenant!

- Your brother is bugging me. - He's very nice.

Won't you stop fighting?

My parents own a very nice villa in Alexandria. I'll introduce you to them.

- You'll see, they're wonderful people. - I don't know Alexandria.

It's supposed to be beautiful.

Hey, you're not going to plan for the future with this Arab, are you?

- Don't be a racist, Georges. - I'm no racist.

And I'd like people to stop calling me a racist or an anti-Semite.

I'd like people to realize once and for all that I've got nothing against Jews or Arabs.

Shut up! Voices carry very far at sea!

Alright, alright, but I've been seeing far too many of you for three days.

What I'd like, would be to go to Denmark or to Sweden and see blonds.

Tall blonds with beautiful blue eyes,

and should I find a small dark and kinky-haired man, I would slaughter him.

- Shut up or I shoot! - I am not a racist! I like Arabs!

- But Georges... - And I do love Jews!

- But Georges... - I love Jews!

You're mad, Georges!

- Georges! - Alright, let's go back to Paris now.

Georges, Georges, this is awful! Awful!

- It's awful, Georges! - We're going back to Paris.

- You're crazy! - Maybe I am but I feel better.

Turn back immediately, Georges. Turn back immediately!

No!

If you don't go and fetch them now, I'll never see you again.

Oh, bugger, I say! Here you are.

- I could never live with a murderer. - Then you'll live with three nincompoops!

Fran? Oise! Fran? Oise! Help! Help! Help!

I can't swim! The trunk saved my life.

How happy it will be!

We'll settle this once we're ashore.

Thank you!

- There is someone in the trunk! - What?

- There is someone in the trunk! - What's the matter with Abdul?

- It sneezed. - Of course not.

- No it didn't, no it didn't. - Yes it did, yes it did.

- When I climbed on it, it sneezed. - You need help, old chap!

You were shocked, Abdul, but the effect will subside.

I'll ask a few explanations later. Go on, go on.

The customs just confirmed there were two passengers aboard the ship.

A tall, dark-haired, strong Frenchman and a young blonde.

I'm leaving for the beach now!

Hail the Egyptian ship and ask them for permission to come aboard.

Oh, yes: Put roadblocks on every road!

Allow me to introduce myself: I'm Captain Augier of the French intelligence services.

You deserted in order to help a French officer with his mission.

- I thank you for that. - What?

Wait! There's more!

Fran? Oise is not my sister, I love her and I want to marry her.

There's still more. I have another little surprise for you.

Lieutenant Fouad, meet Major Bloch, of the Israeli secret services.

Major Bloch, may I introduce Lieutenant Fouad

of the Egyptian intelligence services.

- Bless you, Major. - Thank you.

As far as wiping the state of Israel off the map, old sport,

- you'll have to be pretty clever. - Do not rub it in.

- Where is he going? - How should I know?

- Where are you going? - Back to my ship.

I'll give myself up to the Egyptian authorities.

Why don't you stop him?

- Don't be silly, it's not worth it! - We're all going to resign!

- What? - Yes. Bloch will resign from the Israeli army,

I'll resign from the French army... We're fed up with this fools' job.

Do like we do:

Try and find a new job as a civilian and wait for the dust to settle down.

What do you say?

Maybe the three of us just came of age.

I wanted so much to take you to Alexandria, Fran? Oise.

- Oh, no, not again! - There's no way she's going to Alexandria:

She's going with me to Tel Aviv.

She certainly Isn't: She's fucking going back to Paris! Isn't that clear?

- If you'll allow me, Captain... - No, no, no, no, no!

- If you'll allow me, Major... - Leave me bloody well alone, Lieutenant!

Gee, they're at it again!

From now on, it's every man for himself.

I'm neither an Egyptian deserter nor an Israeli spy.

I can take a plane the normal way and Fran? Oise is coming with me.

She wants to go back to Paris? Let's go. And a good day to you, gentlemen.

Fran? Oise. You must decide.

I left everything for you, Fran? Oise.

Excuse me. I like the three of you but I want to go back to Paris.

OK? Clear, now?

- I hope they got it this time. - I hate leaving them this way.

Do not move or I shoot!

- I had forgotten all about him. - Come! You are under arrest.

- Why? - How do you mean, why? See! See!

What sissy?

Attempted murder is a serious crime in our country!

Come on: Move! Move, I say! Move! Faster! Move!

- Hey, take it easy, won't you. - I said: Faster!

Calm down!

Are you in trouble?

Strange how you can't put one foot in this country

without having to knock out a few cops.

One thing is for sure: You can no more take a plane the normal way, Captain.

It would indeed be unwise.

- You're not a Jewish spy. - You're not an Egyptian deserter.

No, but you're a Frenchman wanted for attempted murder.

And, all in all, it's not that much better.

- We'll never go back to Paris. - We will. Of course we will.

- Don't be sad, Fran? Oise. - You're not alone. We're here.

- That's the whole point. - What do you mean?

Come on, give me the wheel. We musn't stay here.

We'll try to reach Tunis then we'll hide for a few days at the Embassy.

Tunis is 600 kilometers away.

Don't always be so pessimistic, Major. I'm getting tired of it.

Find a single reason to be optimistic and I'll sing La Marseillaise for you.

What about this? Isn't this a good reason?

First warning!

- Stop them! Fire at will! - Bastards...

A girl never gets bored with you.

This is the way back to Tripoli.

You've been asked to discreetly evacuate one passenger

and you're bringing back three. They might not be overjoyed at the Embassy. Eh?

I'll phone Colonel Mercier. He'll get us out of this.

Don't worry, Fran? Oise, everything will be alright.

Hello? Tripoli? Hold the line.

Hello? Is this the French Embassy in Tripoli?

I'd like to talk to Colonel Mercier, please.

- Who wants him? - Captain Augier.

- Hold the line, I'll fetch him. - Thank you.

They went to fetch him. Everything will be alright.

- My respects, Colonel. - Where are you? We thought you were dead.

I'm in Kerso, Tunisia.

- And the Major? - Bloch? He's standing here beside me.

The two of us had a lot of trouble. We could use a helping hand.

I don't want to know about it. You're on your own.

We've already had enough trouble with this story,

so I don't want to know anything more.

- What are we going to do? - I don't want to know about it.

Oh, you don't? Well, let me tell you something then, Colonel:

I don't give a shit about the mission anymore!

- What did you say? - I say: I don't care about the mission!

I don't care about the service! I don't care about your ambassador!

And I care even less for the greatness of France!

And do you know why, Mercier?

Because I'm fed up with this sods' job. I found something else. I'm happy.

Hold the line, Mercier, my pal Bloch would like to tell you something.

Mercier? If by any chance you meet General Dayan,

tell him that I don't give a damn about Great Israel.

Tell him I've been at war for twenty-five years.

Tell him all that, Mercier, and tell him I also found something else.

Wait: I'm going to put lieutenant Fouad from the Egyptian service on the line,

a very nice young man... Here he is. Go on...

I don't have the pleasure of your acquaintance, Sir,

but should you meet the Egyptian ambassador in Tripoli,

tell him...

Tell him Abdul sends his regards.

And tell him that I'm also very happy.

Oh, he hung up a long time ago but I do feel better.

Hey! Hands up!

And don't you think of trying to resist.

Oh we won't try to resist you, Lieutenant.