Original subtitles

VON KEMP: When you got up this morning and you looked in the mirror,

you were losers!

When you came here this morning, you were losers!

Now look at you!

To succeed in this world,

we must do everything we can to appear successful.

So when people criticize you,

fill you with insecurity and self-doubt,

whip it out!

I am great! I am wonderful!

Everybody likes me!

Stand up!

Whip it out!

ALL: I am great. I am wonderful.

Everybody likes me.

I am great. I am wonderful.

Everybody likes me.

Sit down!

Congratulations, ladies and gentlemen.

You are now prepared and equipped to take your rightful places

as captains of industry.

You are ready and armed!

And remember, when you get a job,

make sure your boss is taller than you.

That way it's easier to kiss his ass.

I make a joke. I make a joke.

Okay, everybody, stand up!

I am great. I am wonderful. ALL: I am great. I am wonderful.

Everybody likes me. Everybody likes me.

I am great. I am wonderful. I am great. I am wonderful.

Everybody likes me. Everybody likes me.

Shut up!

(CAR PHONE RINGING)

Hello? I just want to remind you,

you have a meeting with the man himself, Mr. Mullen.

10:00 tomorrow, in his office. So don't forget.

So far it's just a meeting, so, you know, don't count on anything.

Are you kiddin'? It's in the bag.

And I don't care what you think, Julie,

those seminars with Dr. Von Kemp really paid off.

(LAUGHS)

Good luck, Chester. You deserve it.

My name is Chester. I'm great. I'm wonderful.

Everybody likes me.

My name is Chester.

I'm great. I'm wonderful.

Everybody likes me.

Hey, Chester. My name's Harlin,

and to me, you look like a giant asshole.

Well, if I'm an asshole, there's a reason for it.

You're contagious.

(TIRES SQUEALING)

Oh, yeah?

♪ All those beautiful people in this neighborhood ♪

♪(CHESTER HUMMING)

♪ Hey, let's beautify the neighborhood ♪

Oh, honey.

(BURPING)

Stay indoors.

(GROANS)

♪ The way you made love last summer You ruined my spring ♪

♪(MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)

Hey, Matthew, catch.

(GLASS BREAKING)

Nice try. Where's your mother?

I don't know. I'm busy.

Hey, Matthew, not too close. You'll strain your eyes.

And later on in other places.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Guess who.

Tom Cruise.

No, close.

I have no idea. You have to give me a hint.

It's the man who for you would swim the deepest ocean,

climb the highest mountain and sees bluebirds when you smile.

You crazy girl.

(BOTH LAUGHING) Chester, hi.

Oh, flowers.

All right. It's not my birthday. What have you done wrong?

Honey, nothing is wrong. Everything is right.

10:00 tomorrow morning, I'm seeing the big boss, Mr. Mullen.

My promotion is in the bag.

I can hear those wedding bells now.

Yeah, it sounds great, Chester, but I've heard it all before.

And Matthew and I, we're gettin' along better.

Well, last Christmas we weren't gettin' along at all.

And I gave him a BB gun,

he gave me a sweatshirt with a bull's-eye on the back.

I mean, he has a weird sense of humor.

I mean, Easter, he gave me chocolate bunnies made of Exlax.

But we'll work it out. Bess, baby, listen to me.

I'll be the father he never had.

It's gonna be first class all the way.

We'll take more vacations.

We'll stay in the best hotels. We'll steal better towels.

Hey, we'll join a country club. We'll become alcoholic snobs.

We'll hang out with Maryann and Biff and take Dad's car. That's deuce.

How did I get so lucky?

Men. They only want one thing.

But if they don't wanna marry me,

they ain't gettin' that thing no more.

♪ Because if I can't sell it ♪

♪ I'm gonna sit right down on it ♪

♪ Before I ever give it away ♪

Beautiful, beautiful.

Oh, Chester.

I'd ask for an encore, but I'm busy. It's time to see the man.

Then it's on to bigger and better things.

So, goodbye, old office.

Goodbye, desk. Goodbye, chair.

You didn't say goodbye to the plants.

I talked enough to them plants.

They say if you get too friendly, it's no good, you know.

Good luck. Thanks.

Oh, and I'm glad you gave me the right finger.

SECRETARY: Mr. Mullen's board meeting is at 2:00.

Then he has a new mall dedication at 4:00.

Hey, sexy, how you doin', huh?

Oh, Chester.

Hey, too bad I'm spoken for. You're my type.

I love girls with eyeglasses.

Take them home, you breathe heavy,

you know what you're doin', you know?

Hey, tell Mr. Mullen his top salesman is here.

Oh, you could sell anything, Chester.

I bet in your day you sold a few things yourself, huh?

Oh.

Plenty of heat left in the old furnace, huh, baby?

You know, I still can't believe you never got married.

You're too particular, that's your problem.

What do you say we practice till you meet the right guy?

Oh, Chester!

I'll tell him you're here.

Mr. Mullen...

(GIGGLING)

Mr. Mullen, Chester Lee is here to see you.

Tell him to wait. I'm busy.

Another employee who thinks he's due a promotion.

I have to let him down.

As I was saying, David, now, Brad was a great coach,

but we don't have Brad anymore.

Darling, we need a new coach.

Someone who knows what he's doing,

to make sure the Ladybugs stay a championship team.

Now, we wouldn't want our daughter

to be on a team that are losers, would we?

Do it for me, David.

You know we like to do things to make each other happy.

Act on what I've said, David.

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

Good day, Mrs. Mullen.

That's Mrs. Mullen. She's very classy.

Yeah, very classy.

I heard when she drives her car, she keeps her legs crossed.

(INTERCOM BUZZING)

Yes, sir. You may go up now.

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

Hey, Mr. Mullen. How are you, huh?

Fine, Chester. And you?

Oh, I'm great, great. Thank you. Yeah.

I just saw your wife on the way out. Lovely lady.

She was in a hurry, huh?

Well, she's very busy, you know.

She does a lot of charity work.

Yeah, I know. She handles all the policemen's balls, huh?

Hey, the new mall in the south district.

Boy, what a beauty.

I'll sell this space out in no time, Mr. Mullen.

Have no fear, Chester is here.

Well, you know, Mr. Mullen, the reason I asked to see you is,

I've been with the firm now for 12 years

and, uh, I work very hard, you know.

A look at the bulletin board, you can see the last quarter,

my sales are number one, you know.

And, you know, I figure that, you know, I'm due a...

Well, you know, I'm entitled, I figured, you know...

I mean, if you-- if you can see your way clear, you know...

And you know, my girlfriend, Bess, we want to get married

and, uh, on my salary alone...

I want her to quit her job, it'll be a little rough for us.

So I figure, you know, if...

You know, I--I--I work hard, you know?

And I'm a company man, you know?

What do you think, huh?

(INTERCOM BUZZING)

Yes?

All right. Put him on.

Tom! No, no. Your timing's perfect.

I'm not doin' anything. How's your golf game?

You did? With who? Judge Cole, that old bastard.

Yeah, did he tell you the story about the, uh, three hookers

and the midget D.A.?

Yeah, head over heels.

(DAVE LAUGHING)

I was playin' last week with Bobby and that crazy Scott McTeague.

We were out on number three, you know, the par five.

Bobby is on the green in two long hits.

We walk up on the green, Bobby's lookin' at a 60-foot...

Oh, Chester, you're blowin' it.

DAVE: ...he walks on the green and screams at him,

"Christ, you can kick it in from there. Take it away."

Well, I got to kiss the boss' ass.

Kiss the boss' ass, yeah.

No, Ron will give us six strokes.

He wants the parkin' lot contract.

You're right. I love to win.

See you this weekend. Okay.

Now, Chester, you were sayin'?

Hey, Mr. Mullen, I see you were quite a soccer player.

Boy, look at all those trophies, huh?

Oh, boy, I bet you could teach me a few things, huh?

You know, we have so much in common.

We both want the best for Mullen Industries,

and we both played soccer.

Chester.

Chester, Chester, Chester.

Come here.

Chester, I never played soccer.

My company sponsors a girl's soccer team, the Ladybugs.

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) They won these trophies, and I'm very proud of them.

Chester, keep up the good work.

I am glad we had a chance to have this little chat.

Oh, darling, I almost forgot.

There's a do tonight at the country club.

Dear, say hello to Chester Lee.

How do you do?

I'm not gonna sit next to the Vandemiers.

Chester was just admiring our soccer trophies.

He was telling me he's quite the soccer player.

Oh, really?

What position did you play?

Uh, I was a...

A kicker. A kicker?

Everyone on the team is a kicker. I mean, what position?

Well, you know, you name it, I played it, Mrs. Mullen.

Yeah? Were you a sweeper or a forward?

Oh. Sweeper, forward, backward, outfield,

tight end, I played them all, you know?

You don't say. Yeah.

Oh, I would've went pro, but one night I pulled my groin muscle.

Oh, that must have been awful. Yeah. Somewhat exciting.

You know, Mrs. Mullen, when I see these trophies

it reminds me how wonderful it is to have a winning team.

What? You gonna coach what? Take it easy, will you?

What the hell do you know about soccer?

Nothin', it just happened. I was kissin' the boss' ass,

his wife came in, I started kissin' her ass.

The next thing you know, they made me coach of the soccer team.

Well, did you get the promotion? I'll get the promotion.

All we have to do is bring home a championship team!

"We?" What you talking about "we?"

I told the Mullens you'll be my assistant coach.

(EXCLAIMING) Oh, that's great.

Goodbye, job. Hello, welfare.

What could be so hard? They were champs last year,

champs the year before. I can't miss.

It's a piece of cake!

Well, I'll tell you one thing, you look like a coach.

You know anything else about soccer? Not much.

All I know is, I got a lot of balls.

Well, I got a book on soccer.

It says in here, there are 11 positions.

You got to be careful when you read a book about positions.

I read a book once, 100 Ways to Make Love.

I ended up in traction. It was a misprint.

Now, I've seen the Ladybugs' trophies,

and I know what the Ladybugs can do.

And I'm not so foolish as to come here

and burden you with new techniques.

I say, leave success alone, right, Julie?

Mmm. That's right, Coach Chester. Hmm.

Julie, look at the way you're eatin'.

I thought you were gettin' in shape.

What happened to the weightlifting class?

Well, I'm doing good. I mean, this is heavy.

Now, before we start our practice, I want to get to know you.

When I point to you, I want you to stand up, state your name,

and tell me how many goals you scored last year.

All right, we'll start with...you.

My name is Sally Anne Welfelt,

and I'm 12 years old, going on 13.

My hobbies are ice-skating and going shopping.

My favorite book is A Wrinkle in Time. All right. Okay, Sally Anne.

Turn-ons: good-looking guys, music,

good-looking guys, pizza, good-looking guys, staying up late,

and good-looking guys. Okay, okay, okay.

Tell me, how many goals did you score last year?

Goals? None.

None? This is my first year.

This is her first year. Let's hear it for Welfelt.

Give her a big Ladybug reception, all right?

(GIRLS CLAPPING)

Thank you, thank you so much.

Okay, who's next? All right, you.

Carmelita Chu. I collect butterflies.

Okay, how many goals?

I don't know what you're talkin' about. I never played.

You know nothing about soccer?

All I know is you can't use your hands.

CHESTER: Okay, it's Chu's first year.

(GIRLS CLAPPING) Yeah, hold it, hold it, all right?

We'll make believe we heard it for Chu.

Okay, what's your name?

The questions get harder if you go along, you know.

Do you want my first name or my last name?

Whatever you can remember, kid, huh?

Penny...

Pester.

Uh, we'll come back to you later, huh?

Oh, well. Let me ask you this.

Which of you were on last year's team?

One? Only one?

(CLEARING THROAT)

Nancy Larimer. Last remaining player from the Ladybug dynasty.

And you, Coach Chester, are just in time,

for what they call in the pros a rebuilding year.

(ALL LAUGHING)

CHESTER: A rebuilding year. Thanks a lot.

Oh, I'm off to a great stop.

Hi. I'm sorry I'm late.

Tardiness is something I will not tolerate.

What's your name? Kimberly, Kimberly Mullen.

Well, let me tell you this, Kimberly Mullen...

Kimberly Mullen? Is your father David Mullen?

Yes, he is. Look, I'm sorry I'm late. I just...

(LAUGHING) Don't be sorry.

The traffic out there is ridiculous.

I'm glad you showed up at all, for crying out...

You're a lovely little girl, huh?

Come on over here with me, will you?

Kids, move it, move it, kids. Beat it, will you? Come on here.

Right over here, honey. Sit down there, will you?

There you go. Oh, I'm sorry,

I should have had a bigger handkerchief, you know?

Now he's kissin' the daughter's ass.

ALL: ♪ For the land of the free ♪

♪ And the home ♪

♪ Of the brave ♪

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

The song is over.

ANNOUNCER: Hello, soccer fans.

This is the day we've all been waitin' for,

the start of the Rocky Mountain Soccer League,

junior girls division.

(RAZZING)

Startin' off the season today

are the Tornadoes versus the Ladybugs.

The game's gonna be gettin' underway in just a second.

We're all lookin' forward for a fun day of soccer.

Look at them.

What a day this is gonna be.

I feel like I'm walkin' up a gangplank and there's no ship.

Mmm. Well, you better do somethin'.

Here comes the shark wearing designer clothes and a Rolex.

Chester, my wife and I are so relieved

to have a coach of your ability.

A man in charge, a man who really knows his soccer.

Win the game, win the game, win the game.

Get the book, get the book, get the book.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

(EXCLAIMING)

"Hello, and welcome to the wonderful world

"of coaching youth soccer.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

"Have you already discovered

"that you know less about the sport

"than the players on your team?"

Oh, I wish.

"For a young soccer player, the simple act of kicking the soccer ball

"can bring one the greatest sense of pride.

"If kicking is the most important thing in soccer,

"ball control is the second most important thing."

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

Son of a bitch!

(SCOFFS)

She'll get a lot of mileage out of that one.

JULIE: "Number two, move into the path of the ball.

"Number three, treat the ball as if it were a fragile egg.

"Relax and withdraw when you make contact."

(EXCLAIMING)

(GIRLS SCREAMING)

I tell you, that Welfelt has power.

You know, with the right training,

she could be the best player we have.

The best player we have?

What about Larimer, there, the little black girl?

She's the best player we have.

Now, you know that black people are the best at sports, come on.

We're the best runners, the fastest runners,

the best at track, we're the best at baseball,

the best at boxing, the best at basketball, football.

I mean, hey, you name it. Hey.

Black people, best at sports. You kiddin'?

How about hockey?

Yeah, water polo.

Fencing. Best at sports. Hey, badminton.

Yachting. Best at sports, you kiddin'?

Oh, I forgot fox hunting.

Best at sports.

GIRL: Come on.

JULIE: "More than anything, the goalie

"is the intellectual ruler of the game.

"Sharp, cunning, observant."

Number four,

anybody who coaches a girls' soccer team is completely nuts.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

ANNOUNCER: Okay, folks. That does it for the first game of the season.

Final score, Tornadoes 9, Ladybugs nothin'.

WOMAN: Coach Chester, over here, please.

No pictures, please.

I don't wanna be seen here.

DAVE: Chester.

My wife and I are very disappointed.

We expected a much better showing.

Well, now look at it this way, Mr. Mullen,

so far this year, they only lost one game, you know.

Normally, this wouldn't be so important to me

but you know how involved my wife and daughter are.

So now I am totally involved.

As you know, Chester, I'm a very competitive man.

And I love being the best.

If you can take this bunch of beginners

and turn them into a winning team,

that, to me, shows leadership.

The kind of leadership I want at the head of my sales department.

I don't believe it. That was absolutely dreadful.

I hope you do better for us next time.

David, darling, let's go.

My wife and I are going away for the weekend.

I wanna see better results.

We'll be back on Monday, if not sooner.

He won't be back any sooner.

CHESTER: That's it.

I'll show up for practice today, then I'm quittin'.

Chester, you have to think about what you're doing.

You can't quit now. You'll lose your job.

And if you lose your job, I'll lose my job.

Then you have no future, and I'll have no car,

no dishwasher, no TV, no furniture. You can't quit now!

I got to quit. Coaching these kids is drivin' me nuts.

Last night I had a dream, I was a soccer ball,

and Bess kept kickin' me.

And I told her, "Don't touch me. You can't use your hands."

Chester, calm down.

Julie, I can't win.

If I tell Bess I didn't get the promotion,

I'll let her down again. It could be over.

And I can't stand lyin' to her.

It used to be, I couldn't wait to be with her.

Now I feel guilty when I face her.

I don't even wanna look at her.

Oh, Bess, baby, am I glad to see you!

Hi, honey. Hi, Julie. I came to show you wedding invitations.

Oh, good. You can show us on the way down.

We're late for our team's practice, you know.

Practice? Chester, why are you dressed like that?

CHESTER: Oh. Didn't I tell you?

I'm coaching the company soccer team, the Ladybugs.

It sort of goes with the promotion, you know.

Excuse me. Getting off.

Uh, getting off.

All right, but before you go, I just want to show you this.

(EXCLAIMING)

I love it.

It's that calligraphy kind, isn't it? Mmm-hmm.

I don't know. I don't like those letters.

To me they look like crushed insects, you know?

What do we need wedding invitations for, anyway?

They should call people on the phone.

Hey, wanna go to a wedding? Yeah? Then get married.

Chester, you're wrong. When you get married,

what's more important than a beautiful wedding invitation?

Getting off. Getting off.

Getting off.

Chester, are you all right?

Yeah, I'm just under a lot of pressure, that's all.

Yeah, me, too.

Chester, I'm worried about Matthew.

I got a call from his principal.

He hasn't turned in any homework for two weeks.

All he cares about is sports.

Honey, I told you before, Matthew needs discipline.

I've seen the way you punish him. You send him to his room.

In his room he has a stereo, color TV, Nintendo games.

Oh, he really suffers.

Wedding invitations.

Oh, who's getting married?

We are.

Well, good for you.

I give you both a lot of credit.

Hold your heads up high.

You can't beat true love. Have lots of babies.

We're all God's children.

Wonder what the kids would look like.

Come on. Get out of here, will you? Come on, Bess, will you?

This is ridiculous.

Well, this is it, honey. I got to get down to the field.

And don't worry about Matthew. Things will get better.

Well, they can't get much worse.

Because of his poor grades,

they kicked him off JV football and soccer.

They kicked him off the soccer team? They're nuts.

He's the best player they have.

He's very depressed about it.

Chester, maybe it would help if you spent some time with him

and talked to him about it.

I told you, don't worry about Matthew.

They'll take him back. They need him. He's a natural.

Well, he could teach me about soccer.

Well, something has to be done. I just wish I knew what.

Uh-oh.

Bess, I'll tell you what.

I'll make time. I'll talk to him.

Oh, honey, would you?

Bess, I promise you. I'll definitely talk to him.

Oh, Chester, you're a dear.

A dear? More like a fox.

(BELL RINGING)

MATTHEW: There she is. PAUL: Well, go ahead. Talk to her.

Oh, no. I can't, Paul. I don't even know what to say.

Flatter her. Girls like that.

Tell her you love her eyes, her lips, her hair,

the way she parts her hair.

In fact, tell her you love all her parts.

Oh, no, I can't say that. No, no, no.

♪(MUSIC PLAYING)

So you can forget it, Paul, 'cause it's not gonna happen.

All right, all right.

Hey, Matthew, go long.

Farther!

(LAUGHING)

Nice catch.

Thanks.

Um...

Hello. Excuse me.

Hey, Matthew, jump in the car. I gotta talk to you.

No, thanks.

Matthew, your mother wants me to talk to you. Come on, get in the car.

I said, thanks anyway.

Matthew, this is ridiculous.

Come on, get in the car.

Look, I don't wanna get in your car, so stop following me.

Matthew!

Hi, Mrs. Yollick.

Are you all right, Matthew?

Who is that man?

Oh, yeah, I'm fine, Mrs. Yollick.

He's not a stranger.

He's just strange.

Okay, Chesterfield, what do you want?

JULIE: Zigzag, zigzag.

No, zigzag like this, you know.

Kick, turn, kick, turn, kick, turn. Like this?

Got it? Got it? No, wait, girls. No, wait. Girl, girl!

No, don't do it like me. No, don't do it like me! No, don't do it just like me!

Get the ball. Get the ball.

Oh, God.

CHESTER: Matthew, you have to do somethin' about your grades.

That's why your mother asked me

to come out here and talk to you.

I mean, the way you're goin',

you'll never get into college.

I mean, I went through the same thing when I was a kid.

I remember the words of my mother.

She looked at me, she said,

"College is important and I have to scrub floors."

And she went out for six years, she scrubbed floors.

And then she went to college.

I mean, Matthew, you got to think of your future.

Okay, Chesterfield, thanks for the lecture.

I get the message.

Before we go home, I wanna ask you somethin'.

It's not Halloween.

What's with the outfit?

Ah, well...

I'll explain this later. But first, Matthew, look, uh,

I wanna ask you to do me a favor, all right? Ah.

That figures.

You didn't come out here to help me.

You came out here for somethin' that you want.

Matthew, I need your help.

I know we don't have much of a relationship,

but there's no one else who can help me.

Look, I'll level with you.

You know the promotion I got at work?

I never got it.

Your mother thinks I got it.

I just can't tell her the truth.

Matthew, I'm--I'm coaching a girl's soccer team,

sponsored by my company, the Ladybugs.

Come on. You? I don't believe it.

It's the truth. That's why I'm wearin' this outfit.

If I can bring home a winning team, I'll get that promotion.

Then your mother and I can get married.

Matthew, you can help me.

This is where they practice. I want you to look at them.

Tell me what they're doin' wrong.

Tell me what I'm doin' wrong.

Well, let me think about it, Chester.

Hey, we're doin' great already.

You called me Chester and not Chesterfield.

JULIE: Chester! Hey, I got to go. They're waitin' for me.

Matthew, look at them.

I'll be back in a few minutes.

Think it over, will you?

(GIRLS SCREAMING)

Try and control the ball! Try and control the ball!

(EXCLAIMING)

Forget the ball. Try and stay on your feet!

Get out of the net. You're not a fish.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Pester! You're in a different time zone!

Oh. Wait, wait.

(SIGHING)

Oh, beautiful, beautiful!

Why me? Why me?

Oh, look, Kimberly. You're doing that wonderfully.

You can hit it a little harder.

I mean, kick it, kick it, kick.

♪(ALL I HAVE TO DO IS DREAM PLAYING)

♪ Dream ♪

♪ Dream, dream, dream ♪

♪ Dream ♪

♪ Dream, dream, dream ♪

♪ When I want you in my arms ♪

♪ When I want you and all your charms ♪

♪ Whenever I want you All I have to do is ♪

♪ Dream ♪

♪ Dream, dream, dream ♪

♪ Dream ♪

♪ I can make you mine Taste your lips of wine ♪

♪ Anytime night or day ♪

♪ Only trouble is, gee whiz ♪

♪ I'm dreamin' my life away ♪

♪ I need you so that I could die ♪

♪ I love you so and that is why ♪

♪ Whenever I want you All I have to do is ♪

♪ Dream ♪

♪ Dream, dream, dream ♪

♪ Dream ♪

KIMBERLY: Heads up. Heads up, heads up!

Uh, could you throw the ball back, please?

JULIE: Line up, line up.

Kimberly, move on back!

Thanks.

KIMBERLY: Julie.

Julie, could we do it again?

JULIE: Go, go! Line them up! Line them up!

One, two, one, two.

(SIGHING)

CHU: Now I can chase the butterflies?

Did you look at them?

Yeah, I looked at them.

Well, what do you think?

What do I think?

I think I'd better come down and watch some more.

Oh. Great. Look, from what you saw today,

can you give me some pointers?

(SIGHING) Well, first of all, you have no strategy.

Your players need to learn some basic skills.

Put your faster runners up front

and your offense will be more effective.

Now, if I were playing, what I would do is play center midfield

so I could control the flow of the game,

and help out the inexperienced players.

That's what I would do if I was playin'.

What? Why are you lookin' at me like that?

Oh, no. No way. No way, Chester. It'll never happen.

No, you're crazy, Chester, it'll never happen!

It'll never happen! No!

CHESTER: All right, girls, meet our new Ladybug, Martha.

Hi, Martha. Hi, Martha.

Hey, you're a hit already.

All right, now, girls, this is our first game out of town.

Let's go out there and show them, huh?

All right. Yeah!

(GIRL WHOOPING) Get out there.

Hi, I'm Kimberly.

Well, hi, I'm...

(STUTTERING) Martha.

Martha.

Hi.

Hi.

American coin. Heads or tails, call it in the air.

Heads.

Heads it is. Kickoff or end of field?

Kickoff.

Are you the captain?

Just cool it and kick off, sweetheart.

(GIRLS CHATTERING)

Oh, God, give me a break.

I got to get the promotion. I wanna marry Bess. Let us win.

God, I promise I'll behave myself. I'll lose weight.

I'll never cheat my taxes.

I'll never curse in traffic.

I'll never look at another woman for too long.

God, I'm not a bad guy.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Pass me the ball. I'm open. Out of the way.

Give Welfelt the ball!

Come on, I'm open.

Come on.

GIRL: Pass to me, I'm open!

(GIRLS CHATTERING)

(CHEERING)

Hey, God, I take it all back. I may not need you.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Defense! Oh, Jesus, fellas, you suck.

Oh, Jesus. Hey, Welfelt, you sissy priss, wake up! Hello!

MATTHEW: What are you doing in the middle defense? Come on, guys.

Move your butt, Larimer! What are you doing?

Come on, wake up! Defense! Defense! Chu!

Oh, my God!

Well, he's playing like a psycho. He's nuts.

Looks like Norman Bates is playin' soccer.

After the game, no showers.

And you call those girls a team? They're a bunch of jerks.

We're gonna have to make a lot of changes before the next game.

You're right. And they're all about you.

You gave no one else a chance to play.

Look, I don't want you to win. I want the team to win.

Matthew, you got to change your style of playing.

If we're gonna be a winning team, there's got to be harmony.

All the girls got to like each other.

And right now, the girls are not too fond of Martha.

You've got to change your behavior.

Oh, and what did I do?

What did you do?

What did you do?

A girl doesn't give the opposing team the finger

and tell their coach "up yours."

A girl doesn't refer to the referee as a blind bastard.

A girl doesn't slap another girl

on the ass and say, "You're hot stuff."

And a girl doesn't say,

"I got to take a leak so bad I can taste it."

Matthew, you have to start acting like a young lady.

Then go find yourself a young lady.

I don't know how you talked me into this anyway.

It's all over, I quit.

Matthew, we had a deal.

Don't let me down.

It's only for a few months till I get the promotion.

You got to do it.

Don't tell me what to do. You're not my father!

I told you it's all over, I quit!

The next time you jump out of a car, make sure it's movin'!

Oh, hi, honey. Dinner will be ready in a few minutes.

That's all right. I'm not hungry anyway.

What kind of kiss was that? What am I, your sister?

I'm sorry. I got things on my mind.

Well, did you talk to Matthew yet?

I don't know if it's right for me to talk to him.

Matthew won't listen to me.

I mean, I'm not the smartest guy in the world. Maybe he's right.

Oh, these things take time.

I'm sure it'll be better after we're married.

That's another thing, getting married. You know, I...

The day you came to the office with the wedding invitations,

the way I acted wasn't nice.

There was a reason for it.

And the reason is... Oh, Chester, no. Honey, it was my fault.

With everything that's going on, you have so much on your mind.

I shouldn't have bothered you with wedding invitations.

Oh, Chester, I'm so happy. I love you.

It's just that I'm so excited.

Bess, you know, sometimes in life,

to get what you want, you know,

you do things you're not proud of.

Sometimes you get trapped, you have to lie.

Chester, you're confusing me. What are you trying to say?

It's not that confusing. What I wanna tell you is I didn't get the...

Hey, I'm starvin'. Where's dinner?

Oh, Matthew, honey, I'm sorry.

It's almost done. All right, Chester, how you doin'?

Hey, Mom, guess what? I'm gonna be joining a new soccer team.

The coach is a really nice guy, once you get to know him.

Everything's gonna work out just great.

Matthew, I told you before, you got to act like a lady.

You have to be considerate, loving, giving...

Taking.

And, Matthew, with boys, as a young lady, you always say no.

Now, wait a minute now, you don't always say no!

If the mood is right and you havin' a few drinks,

and some handsome man comes up to you,

you eyein' him, he's eyein' you,

the music is on, you both want to do your thing,

you say no, you got to be crazy!

Julie, I didn't bring you here to tell

the kid when to make out, all right?

Suppose he has a gold card or new Porsche, or somethin'.

You gonna say no? No!

Julie, I'll work it out. Go buy the kid some earrings, will you?

I lost out on a trip to Hawaii one time sayin' no.

Matthew, just remember, a lady is sensitive, she's tender.

Look at it this way.

Women are like a beautiful bed of flowers.

♪(MUSIC BLARING ON STEREO)

Of course, there's a weed here and there.

SALESWOMAN: Hi, can I help you?

Yeah, I'd, uh, I'd like to see a nice dress for a young lady.

And what size is she?

I don't know. What size are you?

Well, actually, it's for his twin sister.

They're the same size.

Uh, we--we have a lovely print we just got in.

Ah, it's right here.

I think this would be the right size.

Well, I'd like him to try it on,

I'd like to see what it'll look like on his twin sister.

Uh, we have a dressing room right over here.

♪(MUSIC PLAYING)

And I'll be around if you need me. Okay.

Chester, come here.

Chester, there's a zipper in the back of this dress.

You got to help me.

All right, now turn around. I'll put the wig on.

All right. Come on.

I'm sorry, but the dressing room is occupied.

If you have a seat right over there,

I'll have your dress here for you.

Thank you.

Isn't that a pretty dress?

Just remember, we got to be careful.

I don't want your mother to find out. She'll kill me.

God, I can't believe I'm doin' this.

Don't worry. I'll be finished soon.

(SCREAMS)

Take it easy. That hurts.

(MATTHEW SCREAMS)

All right, don't worry.

If it's too tight, you'll get used to it.

(MATTHEW GRUNTING)

Well, what a cute little girl.

And what's your name?

All right, you look like a young lady. Now you have to act like one.

(CLATTERING)

She's in training. Friday night, she's an underdog.

You got to work on your jab, your hook and your slip is showing.

Come on, will you? You keep this up,

your next fight will be with me.

You have to go to the bathroom, go ahead.

Look at me. How can I?

Can you wait till you get home? No way.

Use the ladies' room. I can't.

Suppose there's women in there?

Anybody in here? The mall's on fire.

Mall's on fire.

Go ahead. I'll watch out for you.

I guess he couldn't wait till he got home, either.

What's taking you so long? You're a young kid.

Hey, you got the wrong place, lady. It's the men's room.

Oh, dear, it's the other door.

(LAUGHING)

I almost walked into the men's room. Almost.

(LAUGHING)

Come on, let's get out of here.

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

She probably saw something she never sees at home.

Oh, this game is a big one for me today, Julie.

Mullen's gonna be here. You are right, Chester.

You don't know how right you are.

In fact, he's walkin' towards you right now.

Well, I'll see you. I got to go check out the girls.

DAVE: Chester. Oh, Mr. Mullen, how are you?

You know, I--I remember our last conversation.

I know you wanted a winning team, you know, but it just takes time.

I mean, don't be angry, huh? It'll work out. They're gettin' better.

I mean, you know how girls are.

They never come through right away, you know.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Chester, take it easy, slow down.

You've got it all wrong.

You've made terrific progress. You almost won the last game.

My wife and I are very pleased.

Really?

Of course we are. Are you kidding?

And this new girl you've got on the team, Martha.

I hear she's great. Oh. She is, she is.

She's really somethin' different, you know.

Oh, I'll tell you. I'm happy you feel that way, Mr. Mullen.

Chester, call me Dave.

Okay, Dave. Chester, you keep up the good work,

this time next year, you'll have 10 men under you.

Hey, Dave, can you make it women?

Chester.

I'm lookin' for Coach Chester.

Oh, yeah. Right here.

Well, I'm Coach Annie with the Beavers,

and so far this year, we're undefeated.

And I heard about your team.

So far this year, you've lost two.

Well, Coach Chester,

make ready to make it number three.

Uh-uh. You're pretty sure of yourself, aren't you?

Yeah, well I know what my girls can do.

And I just wanna tell you

that your team is gonna get crushed.

I guess you're gonna play, too, huh?

(LAUGHING)

I'll tell you one thing, she's not two-faced.

If she was, she'd wear the other one, huh?

The Ladybugs are losers, Chester,

'cause you're a loser!

What a lady.

Boy, when she walks in the room, mice jump on chairs.

At Christmas, they hang her and kiss the mistletoe.

Oh, I tell you, if she went to a dog show, she'd win.

(DAVE LAUGHING)

Chester, good luck. Okay, Mr. Mullen.

Chester. Yeah?

Martha gave me this. Take a look at it.

What? She put Chu at center, Heape at goalie.

Why, she changed around all the positions here.

Martha thinks they'll be more effective this way.

Well, it's okay with me.

I mean, I'm used to havin' women tell me what to do.

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

We're gonna win this one.

Get ready for it.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Chu, the ball.

Come on, go for it.

Okay, get ready. I'm gonna kick it to you.

Chu! All right.

Look at those pretty butterflies, Chu. There you go. Okay.

Good, now keep it goin'.

We're gonna crush you, Chester!

ALL: Crush those bugs! Crush those bugs!

ALL: Trap those beavers!

Trap those beavers!

Okay, you're doing good.

MATTHEW: Okay, keep your eye on the ball.

Come on, come on, fight!

(GIRLS SCREAMING) Yeah!

(SHOUTING)

That's our girl, Chu!

Chu! Chu!

Chu! Chu!

What, are you celebratin' or sneezin'?

Hey, Julie, everything's workin' out great.

Martha's behavin' herself. Mullen is happy as...

Chester. Hey, Bess.

I was just tellin' Julie everything is workin' out perfectly.

I thought you were workin'.

Well, I'm on my lunch hour.

I wanted to watch some of the game but I can't stay long.

Oh, good. I'll walk you to your car.

Oh, no. I can stay for a little while.

Can I sit over here? Over here?

Martha! It's coming to you!

No, no, no. You come with me. I'll get you a better seat.

Come with me, will you? MATTHEW: Get ready.

(CHILDREN CHEERING)

All the way! All the way!

GIRLS: Go! Go! Go!

Here you are, honey. Sit right here, huh?

This is a better seat?

Are you kiddin'? This is the best seat in the house.

You can see the whole field. You don't miss any action.

You get the whole perspective.

Go on, sit here. Go ahead, will you?

Larimer, get ready. Come on, come on.

Okay, Bess, let's go, huh?

Let's go? I've hardly seen anything.

Oh, honey, it's the same thing all over again.

They kick the ball back and forth.

Come on, you got to get back. I don't want you to be late.

I mean, I want you to quit your job, not get fired.

Now, come on.

(GIRLS CHATTERING)

Here!

Hey, Bess, did I tell you? You look gorgeous today.

GIRL: Here. Me. I'm open here!

Okay, come on. Let's go.

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

Come on, Pester. I don't want to. I'm scared.

GIRL: Pester, come on. Jesus.

MAN: It's a throw in.

Hey, what are you doin'? I'm thinkin' of replacing Pester.

I don't think she can make it.

Come on.

You don't wanna leave the game, do you, Pester?

We need you out there.

I wanna stay.

Okay.

CHESTER: She's in your hands.

But not completely, you know.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Pester! Okay. Open your eyes, Pester.

Open your eyes!

You can do it. Don't be afraid, Pester, okay?

The ball ain't gonna bite.

All right.

Okay, Pester. Eye on the ball.

Keep your eyes on the ball.

Okay, now, pass it to Larimer. Go!

GIRL: Larimer!

Yes!

(WHISTLE BLOWING) Yes!

Oh, positively perfect pass play, Penny Pester!

What? Could you run that by me one more time?

GIRL 1: All right, guys! All right, Martha!

GIRL 2: Come on, Kimberly.

(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)

Kimberly.

Oh. Oh.

Don't worry about it, Kim. We'll get them next time.

You're a loser, Chester!

Hey, Annie. I wanna take you to the zoo.

Yeah, they'll thank me for returning you.

Martha, over here!

(LAUGHING)

(GRUNTING)

GIRL: Are you okay?

Wait! I'm a nurse, I'm a nurse!

Wait, back off, please.

You poor dear! Show me where it hurts.

If she shows where it hurts, we'll need a nurse for her.

Okay. Okay, I'm fine.

What happened, Chester? Was she hurt bad?

MATTHEW: All right.

You have no idea.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Wait, Kim. Don't move.

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

Yeah!

Yeah! All right!

(GROWLING)

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

You have been cautioned.

Next time, you'll be sent off!

GIRL: Come on, Martha!

Coming through here.

Atta boy, Martha!

Come on, come on, come on!

(GIRL SCREAMING)

Yes!

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Hey, Julie, that's one in a row.

You did it, Martha!

Don't mess up my hair.

Chester, you did it. You really did it.

That promotion's not too far away.

Chester!

Oh, you did it!

All right! We did it, Chester!

Yeah!

I know!

Great game, Chester.

Great game, great game.

Chester, it feels great!

Dave, you should know.

You know, in case I haven't told you lately, I'm very proud of you.

Yeah, thanks, honey.

But we have a long way to go to the championship.

(PHONE RINGING)

Bess, would you get that? Hmm.

Hello?

Oh, yeah, yeah, he's right here. Hold on.

Uh, Chester, it's Martha.

Chester!

Oh, I'm--I'm sorry, I--I--I thought I saw a raccoon.

Martha, why are you calling me?

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Would you rather I call my mother, Chester?

No, no, no. No, no, no.

Listen, Chester, I'm in big trouble. I'm at the Mullen's house.

Mrs. Mullen took all the girls to her house after practice.

She insisted that I go with them.

Just have your ice cream and cake and go home.

Oh, listen, genius, if it was that simple, I wouldn't have called you.

GIRL 1: Martha, where are you?

GIRL 2: Martha, come out.

GIRL 3: Stop hiding, Martha.

Now all the girls are going skinny-dipping.

(TIRES SQUEALING)

I tell you, Bess, those raccoons are all over the place.

Martha! Martha?

Martha, where are you?

Mrs. Mullen said that none of the girls can leave

unless their parents come and pick them up.

CHESTER: Don't worry, Martha. It'll all work out.

When?

Well, good things happen to little girls who are patient.

Hang this up, will you, honey?

Nice and easy.

Okay, Fred.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

That's good.

I'll be back.

You know, I think I'm getting better, don't you?

Uh, may I help you?

Yes, I-- I'm here to pick up my daughter, Martha.

Oh, yes, of course. Uh, just a moment, please.

Martha! Martha, your mother's here.

Would you please care to step in?

Oh, no, thank you.

I'll be late for my bridge club.

One of the girls left her shoes.

GLYNNIS: Okay.

Oh, here you are. Well, run along now, dear.

Come on, dear.

It was very nice to have met you.

Toodley-do. GLYNNIS: Uh-huh.

(EXCLAIMING)

One word about this and you'll never reach 15.

Get in the car quick. These heels are killing me!

♪(GREAT BALLS OF FIRE PLAYING)

♪ You shake my nerves and you rattle my brain ♪

♪ Too much love drives a man insane ♪

♪ You broke my will Oh, what a thrill ♪

♪ Goodness gracious, great balls of fire ♪

♪ I laughed at love 'cause I thought it was funny ♪

♪ You came along and you moved me, honey ♪

♪ I changed my mind This love is fine ♪

♪ Goodness gracious, great balls of fire ♪

♪ Kiss me baby, whooo ♪

♪ Feels good ♪

♪ Hold me, baby ♪

♪ I want to love you like a lover should ♪

♪ You're fine ♪

♪ So kind ♪

♪ I'm gonna tell the world that you're mine, mine, mine, mine ♪

♪ I chew my nails and I twiddle my thumbs ♪

♪ I'm real nervous but it sure is fun ♪

♪ Come on, baby, you're driving me crazy ♪

♪ Goodness gracious, great balls of fire ♪

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

MATTHEW: Oh, I'm gettin' it.

Hey, Penny Pester.

What are you doin' here? The girls are all over there.

What's the matter? Don't you like boys?

Yeah, I do. But I don't think they like me.

I'm not pretty like the other girls.

(SIGHING) Are you kiddin'?

Why, you're one of the prettiest girls on the team.

Have you looked in the mirror lately?

Hey, Julie, do me a favor.

You got your mirror with you?

Thanks. Look, I'll meet you and Martha by the car.

Wait for me. I'll be there in a few minutes.

Look at this mirror, will you?

You know, I've never seen you with your hair down.

Let me see what you look like with your hair down.

Okay, hold that thing here.

What beautiful hair.

Let me see you with your glasses off, too, will you?

Take your glasses off.

Oh, look at those brown eyes.

You're cute as a button.

But what about my braces?

So what? Big deal, huh?

You'll meet a boy who has braces.

Then when you kiss, you'll see sparks.

I'll tell you somethin', Penny Pester.

If I was younger, I would definitely ask you for a date

and just my luck, you probably wouldn't even go out with me, hmm?

Yes, I would, Coach Chester.

(LAUGHING)

Come on, get over there with those girls.

Go ahead, will you? Give those boys a break.

Get over there.

GIRL 1: Hi, Pester. GIRL 2: Hi, Pester.

How are you doing? GIRL 3: Hi, Pester.

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

MAN: Watch it, guys. Just sit over there.

GIRL 1: Come on, guys, go!

GIRL 2: Great.

Now watch Chu.

It's coming to you, Kim.

No, I can't. You take it.

Come on. Just do it! Believe me.

Kimberly's got the ball.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Oh, to hell with your parents. You'll get it.

Chester. I want Kimberly out of the game.

Dave, give her a chance. It was only one play.

She's embarrassing me.

Dave, if I take her out, think of what she'll go through.

I can't hurt her that way.

Look, she's my kid. I want her out of there.

But, Dave... Get her out!

Kim.

Kim, you're comin' out.

Did he just tell you to bench Kim?

Matthew, I had no choice.

Look, we're one point away from winning.

Get back out there, will you?

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

(GIRLS SHOUTING)

Velez!

Chu!

Larimer!

Welfelt!

Martha!

Save this, sweetheart!

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

Chester, you did it!

We're in the championship.

You know a good decorator?

Huh?

There's a big office right next to mine

just waitin' for a guy like you.

And here comes our star player.

Thanks to you, we won another one.

Chester, you're goin' places.

You're gonna look good in that big office.

In fact, if things keep goin' the way they're goin',

you could even become a member of my country club.

Thanks.

BESS: Well, here it is.

This is the house the real estate lady told me about.

Wow! Who lived here before, the Addams family?

She said it was a very good deal.

And look, honey, it's a two-story house.

Two-story house, yeah.

Uh, before you buy it, they give you one story.

After you move in, you get another story.

I never saw such beautiful landscaping.

It looks like all the trees threw up.

Come here. There's something else I want to show you, too,

over here.

Look at this, we're so close to the neighbors.

I mean, if we start screaming, they'll hear us.

Chester, we never fight.

Honey, I'm not talking about fighting.

I'll tell you, with that house, you're lucky

if you can't find your way home.

Oh, look at that. Isn't that cute?

CHESTER: (CHUCKLING) Very cute.

All the kid sees is his father's behind.

Later on, the kid grows up,

he'll marry a guy named Ralph and they'll wonder why.

♪(MUSIC PLAYING)

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Yeah, just a minute!

Holy shit!

(GASPING)

(DOORBELL RINGING)

(PANTING)

Pictures.

Coming!

Oh, Kimberly. What a surprise.

Hi, Martha.

Um, I hope you don't mind me dropping in.

Somebody told me where you lived.

Oh, no. I don't mind at all. I was just

watching some TV.

Well, can I watch with you?

Okay. It's in the family room. Okay.

Why don't you go in there while I, uh, close the door.

Okay. Right.

♪(MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)

Um, Kimberly, I'm--I'm really sorry

about what happened at the game today.

Yeah, well.

I thought being on my dad's team would make us closer somehow.

Oh, well, that's a good idea. That makes sense.

Yeah, but it doesn't seem to be working out.

I guess I'm just not good enough for him.

Well, Kimberly, all kids get pressure from their parents.

Don't worry about it. Someday they'll grow up.

Martha, you make me feel so much better.

Thank you. You're my best friend. Okay. Okay, good.

Um...

Um...

You know, it's getting kind of hot in here.

And, uh, how about some Cokes?

I'll--I'll have a Coke. Yeah. Okay, okay.

I'll be right back. Okay, thanks.

(PANTING)

CHESTER: Yeah, from now on don't get behind an old lady with coupons.

(PANTING)

Yeah, I feel very manly.

For a half hour I was with a group of women feeling tomatoes.

Hi, Mom, Chester.

Oh, hi, honey. Having a good day? Hi.

Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

Oh, I left my purse in the car.

Take a look at this.

What is she doin' here?

She came over to see Martha. She just dropped in.

You got to make sure to keep my mother out of the kitchen.

We got one game to go. We'll blow it.

Get her out of the house!

Okay.

What is this, a drag race?

♪ Don't show me those tears ♪

♪ I don't believe 'em ♪

♪ I gave you my love I've had it to here ♪

No Cokes? The Cokes, the Cokes!

The Cokes, right. The Cokes.

I'll be right back, okay? Okay.

All right.

Chester!

Chester, the Cokes. Give me the Cokes.

Oh, you read my mind. Thanks.

(DOG BARKING)

Well, that's it. I'm just gonna have to get a bigger refrigerator.

(CHUCKLING) Honey, is there another Coke in there?

Take a look, will you?

Why is this door closed?

(EXCLAIMING)

What? What?

(EXCLAIMING)

Oh, I love you!

Chester!

MATTHEW: I'm sorry, we're out of Cokes.

Um, why don't we, uh, why don't we go and get some, okay?

This is it. Now! Stop it. Matthew's home!

Ah, Matthew's a big boy. He knows what goes on.

He's a big boy. Forget about it, will you?

Oh, you're right. He's a small boy. He don't know nothing!

Know what I mean? I need a drink now.

Uh, my mom's gonna be coming home soon,

so I have things to do. Yeah.

(CHUCKLING) And you know, dishes to wash, my room to be cleaned.

So, why don't you come back some other time?

Okay, um, I'd really like to. Okay.

Do you want to go to a movie sometime? Sure. That's great.

Okay. That's perfect. All right, call me.

Okay. Thanks, Martha. Bye. MATTHEW: All right, you got it.

Matthew? Mom!

Martha! Chester?

Bess!

What's going on here? Matthew, why are you dressed like that?

What the hell's going on?

I'd like to know.

Bess, take it easy, will you? It's nothin'.

(CHUCKLING)

When I was a kid I did the same thing.

I used to dress up like a girl, too.

You know how kids are, they're always doin' crazy things.

You know, girls want to be boys.

Boys want to be girls.

Some of them are.

(CHUCKLES)

Mom, Chester didn't mean any harm.

He just wanted me to help him on the soccer team.

So he could get a winning team. Matthew, go to your room.

But, Mom... Go to your room!

So, that's the new team that he was playing on.

You know, it's one thing to lie to me,

but to corrupt my son.

That day in the car when you got that call from Martha,

that was Matthew who called you.

How could you keep lying to me like this?

Bess, I--I just wanted to have a winning team so we could get married.

I never looked at it that way.

Yeah, well, I look at it that way.

Oh, you are a great salesman, Chester,

but I'm finished buyin' your bullshit!

Now, get out of here!

Bess, I didn't mean any harm.

I did it for us. I love you!

Just get out.

♪(MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

Idiot. Moron! Jerk-off!

Hey, buddy, what's your problem?

I don't have to take your bullshit.

Oh, I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to myself.

I got a problem, my girl threw me out.

That's why I'm drinkin'.

I'm sorry. You know, I--I didn't mean any harm.

Oh, hey,

look, buddy, hey, I've heard that story a thousand times.

I know what you're going through.

Listen, you just have to say to yourself, "To hell with it."

Let her keep the furniture.

Give me another one.

Kid, you've had enough.

You're gonna spoil your dinner.

Why don't you go on home?

No, I don't want to go home.

Come on. Come on, give me another one.

Kid, the way you're drinking, you must have a girl problem.

Yeah.

Tell me about it. Maybe I can help.

How could you help me?

With girls, I've been through it all.

I've been stood up, shook up, hung up, screwed up, and tied up.

What's your problem? Did y'all have a fight?

No, no, no.

No, we never fight. We get along great.

We--We laugh together, we like the same music,

the same sports.

No, we get along just great.

Then what's the problem?

She don't know I'm a boy.

Kid, with this girl, I don't know what you're doing

but you must be doing it wrong.

Look, buddy.

You ought to get out there and start dating again.

You go out there, what do you meet?

You meet girls looking for husbands

and husbands looking for girls.

Well, you know what they say,

there's plenty of fish in the sea if you got the right bait.

Yeah. The trouble is, my hook ain't what it used to be.

What happened, anyway?

I... I don't want to go into it. It's a long story. I don't...

Hey, come on.

Get it off your chest.

It'll make you feel better.

Remember, there ain't nothing you can tell me

that I ain't heard before.

So, come on, what happened?

Well, what happened was,

I took her son, and I--I dressed him up like a girl

and I talked him into playing with me.

Stay out, you sicko! We don't want your kind in there!

Boy! What a happy hour.

Well, at least I beat the check.

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

Chester, anything new with Bess?

I've been callin' her all week.

She won't talk to me.

It's over.

I wish there was somethin' I could do.

Chester, I just want you to know

that when you're hurtin', I'm hurtin'.

All right.

So, how's Matthew?

I don't know. I haven't spoken to him, either.

I guess he hates me, too.

Now I got to go tell the girls there's no more Martha.

Huh. No more Martha's only half our trouble.

Come with me. I want you to see what we up against.

Pick him up, pick him up, pick him up, pick him up!

Move it, move it, move it, move it, move it! Come on!

Only two kinds of people on the soccer field,

the quick and the dead!

That's quick. Yes!

Yes! That's fast.

They ought to tell that guy the war's over.

BULL: Let's go, let's go! Let's kill! That's it! That's it! Kill! All right.

I'd better go get our troops together.

BULL: I will not have cowards on my team! Go quick!

JULIE: Gather around!

Make it bleed! Ah, yes!

Hit the bag! Hit the bag!

Get the ball back!

GIRL: Yeah!

Come on, let's see some action now!

(GIRLS CHATTERING)

You're gonna have to do without Kimberly today, Chester.

When I told her I didn't want her to play in today's game,

I just wanted her to sit in the stands and root for the team,

she got upset and went home.

How could you do that?

She was trying so hard.

We want to win, don't we?

She'll get over it.

Well, we're gonna have to do without Martha, too. She's a no-show.

There's no time for jokes, Chester.

Tell me you're kidding.

I wish I was, but that's it, no Martha.

I don't care where she is. You get that girl down here.

The team needs her.

And, Chester, you need her, too.

♪(BAND PLAYING)

Company, ho!

(ALL CHEERING)

♪(DRUM BEATING)

ANNOUNCER: Hello, ladies and gentlemen.

We hope to have an exciting afternoon here for you today

at the Rocky Mountain Soccer League Championship game.

Playing today is the Ladybugs versus the Flames.

How's it goin'?

Hey, Matthew.

I didn't expect to see you here. How are you?

I'm hangin' in there.

Yeah, me, too.

How's your mom?

She's not talkin' to me, you know.

Yeah, I know. She's not talkin' to me too much, either.

What's in the bag?

Martha.

I was thinkin' about how hard you worked

to get to this game and, well, I'm here.

(CHUCKLES)

You're an okay guy yourself, you know?

But I don't know...

BULL: You got to be mentally tough as well as physically tough!

You'll thank me one day. I'll make men out of you!

They're a tough team.

Listen, Matthew, I...

Hold it, hold it! No, Matthew, no.

There's no more Martha.

I mean, I--I want to win

but I love your mother more than winning.

Chester, I know for a long time we didn't hit it off.

And I think it's because I never really believed

you really wanted to marry my mother.

And now I know you were just scared

because you didn't believe in yourself.

Chester, have confidence in yourself.

You're a great guy, I know.

Otherwise my mother wouldn't love you.

Thanks.

I didn't see Kimberly out there.

Where is she?

She's not playing, she's home.

How come?

Her father, he--he wouldn't let her play.

"Not playing."

CHESTER: All right.

You guys are going to do something amazing today.

You're going to play the best game of your life.

And you're going to win!

(ALL CHEERING)

And you're going to do it without Martha.

What did you say? What are you talking about?

But we need her! It's not fair.

She won't be here today.

Look, we can win without Martha.

One person doesn't win a game, the team wins the game.

Just remember, win or lose, if you give it your best, you're winners!

Now let's get 'em!

Remember! Take no prisoners.

Wound, whip, kill, capture, and/or destroy the enemy!

Chester, you all right?

I got a headache.

Is it bad?

Is it bad? My hair hurts.

Shit!

My God!

Put the ball in the net!

Holy cow!

(CROWD CHEERING)

(WHISTLE BLOWING) Well, I'll be damned.

It took you 14 seconds to score!

You call that hustle?

Wow.

The only thing quicker than that is when I'm havin' sex.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Defense! Defense!

(GIRL EXCLAIMING)

I command you to score now!

(WHISTLE BLOWING) Holy boogers!

Yes!

(EXCLAIMING) It's all right, it's all right.

I believe we still got a good chance.

Good chance.

Like a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.

(GRUNTS)

What the hell?

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

GIRL: Stupid idiots!

JULIE: Chester, look!

Let 'em fight.

Let's try to win at something.

You can't do that. You're out of the...

What're you doing to my little girl? She's out of the game!

Get away from her. Oh, my God, Penny!

Oh, Penny...

Go away!

Show no mercy!

Chester, come on.

Oh, my God!

BULL: Beat them up! Now attack!

Hey, Coach Bull! Take it easy, will you?

This isn't the army, you know!

It's my army, mister!

And if you were in my army, I'd have you on latrine duty!

Ooh, it smells like I'm there now.

Nobody talks to Coach Bull that way!

Coach Bull! I know your full name.

That does it! Prepare to defend yourself!

Let me at him, Chester... Take it easy! Take it easy.

No, I can take him, Chester! I can take him!

I'm warning you, I never hit a lady!

And I'm warning you, she's no lady!

Break it up! Break it up!

Back to your benches now! Let's go!

Do you want to play this game or not? Back to your benches.

Come on! Get to your positions!

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Incoming!

Hit it!

I'll be right back, all right?

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Martha, what are you doing here?

Uh, Kimberly.

I have something very important to show you.

KIMBERLY: Oh, my God!

ANNOUNCER: The first half is over.

The Flames leading the Ladybugs, 3-nothing.

And now, everybody,

here is the Rocky Mountain High School Band

and the giant weenie and the weenie lady.

Aren't you goin' to say somethin'?

Yeah, let's go home. We'll beat the traffic.

All right, Chester.

Kimberly's ready and rarin' to go.

All right, I need her.

Hey, you got the bag. Good.

I need Martha, too.

Yeah, now it's our turn. We're gonna kick some butt.

Julie, get the girls. Okay, come on, Kimberly.

All right, here's how we're going to play it.

(CHATTERING)

♪(BAND PLAYING)

You're all set. Chester, here they come.

This ought to be somethin'.

GIRLS: Martha!

(ALL CHATTERING)

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

CHESTER: All right, girls, settle down, settle down!

Take it easy, will you?

Come on!

All right.

I have a lot to say to you but we haven't got much time.

I know you're all excited to see Martha.

Yeah. Yeah.

CHESTER: Well, I'm glad you're sittin' down

because, girls, there is no Martha.

GIRL: What? What?

Martha is Matthew.

GIRL 1: What?

Oh, my God! She's a boy!

GIRL 2: A boy! Martha...

Oh, man! Can you believe that?

That's right. Martha is Matthew.

And I'm showin' you this for one reason.

You don't need Martha anymore.

You don't need a boy to help you win.

You're women! You don't need anyone!

You're liberated! You got the vote!

You can burn your bras, when you get them.

Now get out there and put out those Flames!

(ALL CHEERING)

Dave, look.

It's Kimberly.

What's she doing here? I don't know. She told me she was staying home.

Kick. DAVE: Chester.

JULIE: You can pass it.

You have five seconds to get Kimberly out of there.

GIRL 1: Wait.

Okay, I got it. Easy, okay, okay, now.

GIRL 2: Wait, the ball...

There's nothing to think about.

Get her out of there.

Look, we're not in your office now.

Out here, I call the shots.

Looks like I misjudged you, Chester.

I guess you don't care about your future with this company.

Right now, all I care about is this team.

Chester, you've forgotten what's important to you.

I didn't forget. You forgot.

What's more important?

That strangers look up to you or your own kid?

Kimberly's playin' today!

And if it means my job, too bad.

Look, Chester,

I just want to win today.

I only want the best out there.

The best, the best.

That's all I keep hearing. You want to be the best.

Let me ask you this,

what good is being the best if it brings out the worst in you?

Okay, girls, let's go.

Pester, take right wing.

Kimberly, take left midfield.

JULIE: Okay, girls! Let's go! Let's go! Come on, look alive!

Go, go, go, go! Come on, now.

Energy! Energy.

Coach Chester, I'm ready.

Put me back at goal.

What makes you think I'd take a chance with you again?

Go on, hurry up and change.

Now, look, Larimer.

You're up against a tough, tough bunch of girls.

You got to psych 'em out.

Got to make 'em lose their cool.

What do you mean, psych 'em out?

Well, I'll tell you what I mean. Let me give you a few tips.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

(GIGGLING)

What are you laughin' at?

If you could see what I'm looking at you'd be laughing, too.

What does the score say?

It won't be like that for long.

All right girls, cut the crap, let's play.

Roses are red, violets are blue.

I'm glad I'm me, not ugly like all of you!

That's it, Lar! That's my girl!

Out of my way, sucker!

Go! Go!

Stop the ball!

Go home! Your mama wants you!

(LAUGHING)

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

ANNOUNCER: The Ladybugs have scored their first goal, folks!

It's now the Flames leading 3-1.

(WHOOPING)

All right! They did it!

Our first score!

Wow. What a feeling!

I had the same feeling when I was 16.

(LAUGHING)

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

(GRUNTS)

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

They broke my nail!

Mom, those bitches broke my nail!

They broke your nail?

Oh, they broke her nail!

David, they broke her nail.

They broke her nail.

Did you break her nail? JULIE: Way to go!

Way to go!

Get those nail breakers!

Get those nail breakers!

ALL: (CHANTING) Get those nail breakers!

Get those nail breakers!

Get those nail breakers!

Get those nail breakers!

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Come on! Welfelt! Welfelt!

We're doin' it!

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

ANNOUNCER: The Ladybugs have scored their second goal!

The score is now the Flames 3, the Ladybugs 2.

Hey, hey, let's break another nail.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

GIRL: It's coming to you, Penny!

Penny, look around, it's coming to you!

REFEREE: Out of bounds. Ladybugs' ball.

This one's for you, Coach Chester.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Pester, come on!

What are you doing?

Come on! Keep it going, Pester! Come on!

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Yes, Pester!

All right!

Beautiful! I told you, you're beautiful!

ANNOUNCER: The score is now tied!

Get down and give me 30!

Get down and give me 30!

Everybody get down and give me 30!

ANNOUNCER: Flames 3, Ladybugs 3.

Chu! Come on, Chu!

Get ready! It's coming your way!

Now pump it in there!

Yeah...

Good hands! Good save!

Good girl! Goody, goody!

BULL: Put it in there! Put it in there!

I want that goalie tested for steroids!

She's a magician. She became the Great Wall.

(JULIE CHUCKLES)

Oh, no!

Is she okay?

REFEREE: That's tripping on blue.

Penalty kick for the Ladybugs.

I think she's all right. She's okay.

All right, who's going to take the kick, bugs?

GIRL: You take it.

REFEREE: All right, who's going to take the kick?

(ALL CHATTERING) No, no. I don't want to.

Kim, you take it!

REFEREE: Come on, are you all right, seven?

Yeah, okay. Yeah.

Come on, you can do it.

ANNOUNCER: The Ladybugs are going to take this penalty kick

with just about six seconds left to go.

I can't look.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

(ALL SHOUTING)

Oh, she did it!

Yes, we won! We won!

That's my daughter!

(ALL CHEERING)

Julie, you know what I just heard?

Chester put a boy on a girl's soccer team.

That's imagination.

That's the kind of man I want in charge of my sales department.

I'm talkin' a whole new income bracket for Chester.

Well, we're a team, you know? I helped pick out the wig.

(SOBBING)

So, you did it.

You didn't need Martha to win.

I'm going to miss her, though.

We were supposed to go to the movies together.

Well, you could go with me.

I'd like that.

(HORN HONKING)

Well, Mr. Vice President, I'm very proud of you.

This new year-round sports program of yours

has been very good for Mullen Industries' profile.

By the way, how's married life?

We're getting along real good, real good.

In fact, pretty soon, I'll be hearing

the pitter-patter of little feet.

Really? Yeah.

(DAVE LAUGHING) Her mother's movin' in with us, you know.

I understand your boy Matthew's

been seeing a lot of my daughter Kimberly.

Oh, yes, Dave.

More than you know.

All right, boys. This is the big one.

The championship game.

And you're gonna go out there and play the game of your life

because you're men.

Are you with me?

ALL: Yeah!

We're number one! We're number one!

And don't forget, boys, give it to them!

Say, are you Coach Chester Lee?

That's right.

I'm Coach Cannoli.

There's a rumor that you, on your soccer team,

dressed a boy as a girl!

Cannoli, that's patently ridiculous.

I'm sorry, Chester.

I'm insulted.

How can you stoop so low as to repeat a ridiculous rumor like that?

How dare you?

Come on, girls. Let's go!

Yeah!

(ALL CHATTERING)

Coach!

Come on, let's go get them, girls! Let's go and get them!

Oh, girls! Make sure you got your cups on!

Chester, you got the job you want, you got the girl you want.

You're on top of the world.

Yeah, I finally got some respect.

♪(UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYING)