Original subtitles

Oh man, this thing drives unbelievable.

Got the power, the handling--

woo, this is pure American engineering right here.

Yeah I don't know, Mark.

Don't you think the car's a little... wide?

Yeah, the girth is the signature design feature

of the Dodge Chode. Never felt so connected to the road.

Yeah, because you take up all of it.

Come on man!

Ugh. Hate these frickin' cyclists riding

around like they own the road.

We get it pal, okay. You're saving a planet. Pfft.

Not everyone wants to drive a storage unit on wheels, Mark.

Of course they do, Tam.

Driving an unnecessarily huge car, that's the American dream.

Ya know, in some cultures, it's

considered rude to take up so much space.

Yeah well, those places are dumb.

Wow, Mark. So open-minded. Such a man of the world.

Pfft! What the hell are you talking about, Tam?

I have been to every single country in Epcot, twice.

Uh, careful Mark, uh, the red light's out.

Ah don't worry, Hank, okay. It's all good.

We are ensconced in a protective cocoon of thick American steel.

- Boom. - Oh, my God!

Ah, damnit. Frickin' cyclists.

♪ Well, I used to work in hot dog factory ♪

♪ until them robots came along, ♪

♪ and now there is no job for me, ♪

♪ but I get three thousand bucks a month. ♪

♪ Thanks to UBI.

♪ Now we're Universal Basic Guys. ♪

♪ It may not sound like much, but we're still gonna try. ♪

♪ We're just Universal Basic Guys. ♪

Uh, your Honor, if I may, um...

so when a traffic light goes out the rules of the road

become the rules of the jungle, okay,

the cars, they're the lions and a bikes, they're gazelles.

Objection. There are no gazelles in the jungle.

Overruled. Mr. Hoagies, where are you going with this?

Yeah, so buses, they're the elephants and trucks,

they are... they're the rhinos...

Alright. That's enough. Though if we were to continue,

let the record reflect that motorcycles are hyenas.

- I'll allow it. - Mr. Hoagies, normally you'd be

facing jail time and a steep fine.

Lucky for you, I'm a creative judge who

believes in teaching profound lessons with quirky sentences.

Hence, it's my opinion that the best way

for you to learn to share the road with

cyclists is for you to become one.

What does that mean exactly?

I'm suspending your license for two weeks.

During that time, your sole method

of transportation will be a bicycle.

Oh come on, are you serious!

Might as well just throw me in front of the firing squad.

Hey, would you shut up? This sentence is a joke.

You could be going to jail.

No, I don't think you understand, okay...

Do we have an attorney-client privilege?

Yeah, of course.

I don't know how to ride a bike, okay.

Wait, hold on,

you can't ride a bike! He can't ride a bike!

Uh... of course I know how to ride a bike.

I just... I don't want to.

Then you won't be going anywhere. Case adjourned.

Um, excuse me?

Aren't I supposed to be compensated for my injuries?

You'll be compensated by watching Mr. Hoagies

learn a valuable lesson.

[dog toy squeak]

Um, I'd like to request a less quirky judge.

Ugh. Leanne just posted another sad Instagram.

I think she's depressed about the divorce.

I should reach out.

Just take her to Atlantic City to get hammered...

and make bad choices.

Uh no, Mark.

She doesn't need to party, she needs to heal,

and as a fellow divorcee, I feel like I got an

obligation to guide her through this.

Oh come on. Hey hun, uh you mind picking me up

some more PB Banana Balls?

No, I gotta go to work.

Why don't you just take Darren's bike.

Uh, because it's an outdated and inferior mode of transport.

Wow. Y'know, that doesn't sound like someone who's open-minded.

Yo, would you stop saying that okay,

my mind is so open, it's gaping.

Ugh. Disgusting.

Gah, c'mon, stupid... UGH!

Hey, Mark.

Whoa, I don't think I've ever seen you actually ride a bike.

Pfft, are you serious, Hank?

Okay, I rode a ton before you were born, okay,

It's just... it's been a while.

Dyah... see you later, Hank.

Whoa, ah... Dammit!

If you need help, y'know uh, I'd be happy to teach you.

I know how to ride a bike, okay!

I just gotta get my muscle memory back.

There we go. There we go.

Whoa, ah!! Alright. Fine.

I'm such a mess right now.

Last night I almost bought a machine gun

online because I thought I heard a bear in the house.

Ugh, hey, divorce is rough. I've been there.

Y'know, the best thing I did was stop

mourning what I lost and start celebrating what's next.

Surround yourself with people who love you.

Say yes to new things.

Yes. I love that.

We should totally do a divorceloratte party!

Wait. What?

You're a genius. It's exactly what I need.

We'll go to AC, do some tequila shots make some bad decisions.

Leanne, no, that's not what I--

I'll text you a list of my girls so you can coordinate.

Oh. Thank you, Tammy.

You're seriously the best ever.

Yeah... Happy to help...

Yo, I'm doing it! I'm riding a bike!

Yeah. You're doing great!

Oh yeah. You can already feel my core strength building.

Just gotta dial in my lactic acid threshold

so I can maintain peak performance.

Uh... okay, uh... you wanna try taking the training wheels off?

Uh, they're not training wheels Hank, okay.

These are high-performance... traction... stabilizers.

Tammy thinks of not open-minded to new things?

Well look at me now!

Woah! Ah! Frickin' automobiles.

Yo. Check it out, Hank. Bike path.

Uh, but it says expert riders only.

Cycling isn't about experience, Hank.

It's about mindset.

Uh-oh.

Just stay calm, I got it.

Ooh.

Okay, just gotta feather the brakes and uh--

Oh crap! Whoa!

[crash!]

Yo, you alright?

Uh, I think so. That was scary.

Nah nah, I was in complete command.

Whoaaa.

Dude, what the...

Holy maca-frickin-roni.

Yo, this place is quaint as hell.

It's like if mini-golf was a town.

Ooh. "Cafe." That sounds interesting...

Damn dude, this place is classic.

This might be the original Panera.

- Hallo und welcome. Wait, you are new here!

Ah yeah. Mark Hoagies. This is my brother, Hank.

Nice spot you got here, bud.

Ah, dank je.

I'm Christoffel, owner of this café.

Gotta say, you know I've lived in Glantontown my whole life.

I never even knew this place existed.

Well, we have no motorways here, so we don't get many visitors.

How did you find us?

Oh, I just rode my bike down a little trail right there.

Are you crazy? That is De Krag!

The most challenging descent in all of Glantontown.

Wow. You must be a very dedicated cyclist.

Yeah, I mean, you could say I'm a bit of a cycling fanatic so...

Yeah, he's almost ready to take off his training whe--

Could I offer you espresso?

Oh nice, dude.

This is like one of those uh, little European baby coffees.

Hoo! It's a little strong!

So uh... what's the deal with this place?

Little The Netherlands was founded by

families of the original Dutch settlers,

who were frustrated to see what Glantontown

was becoming: chain restaurants and

big-box stores, giant parking lots

filled with obnoxious, oversized SUV's.

Ah, I'm right there with you dude, it's ridiculous.

So, we withdrew to the woods and founded

a slower-paced European-style community,

built around the most efficient, civilized

mode of transportation ever conceived: the bicycle.

Nice dude, yeah, sounds like my kind of place.

Wonderful!

Would you like a singing tour of our little town?

Oh yeah, dude. Let's do it!

♪ Let me guide you through the wonders ♪

♪ of our cycling paradise. Cute little shops, ♪

♪ fine tulip crops, windmills are spinning in the sky ♪

♪ Stroopwafels, Appletaarts, Limburg pie? Here have a slice ♪

♪ Our portions maybe half the size, ♪

♪ but they still are twice the price! ♪

♪ Welkom in hets kleiner Nederlands! ♪

♪ Welcome to Little The Netherlands! ♪

♪ You don't have to tip our servers-- ♪

♪ No, they earn a living wage.

♪ But that's also why you may not ♪

♪ get your check for several days. ♪

♪ Our taxes pay for healthcare, so we make it to old age ♪

♪ Then we offer euthanasia and a lovely painted grave. ♪

♪ Welkom in hets kleiner Nederlands! ♪

♪ Welcome to Little The Netherlands! ♪

I gotta say, it's... it's actually not bad.

Eh... I dunno. Looks kinda like bait.

Oh no way. Is that one of those caricature guys?

Oh man. Those guys are hysterical.

Alright, can you do me as James Bond riding a snowmobile?

No.

Alright, well, just take it easy on me, alright.

The guy on the boardwalk went a little nuts on the unibrow.

Whoa. What's that?

That's Little The Red Light District.

Oh wow. Hey Mark, I'm gonna go find

something to fix that traffic light.

- Sounds good.

- Yoohoo! - Ooh!

Hallo, handsome.

Oh, hey! You look like someone who knows how to stop traffic.

Oh, you are quite the charmer.

Are you interested in the ultimate red light experience?

Oh yeah, that'd be great.

I might uh, also need some help getting it up.

Oh. Don't worry. I'll handle that.

Let me tell you, I've been to basically all the countries.

China, Morocco-- I even did Norway before

it became the Frozen ride.

But this place might be my favorite country in the world.

And it's right here in Glantontown.

You are clearly a man of worldly sophistication.

You will fit in well here.

'preciate that, bud.

You know, it's nice to finally be seen

as the cultured, worldly man that I am.

Hey, dude, is it possible to add some

Wolverine claws to my knuckles here?

- Christoffel!.

Who is your friend?

Oh, this is Mark. He is from outer Glantontown.

Sup, dude? Like the bib.

Mark, this is Grumpmeester.

He is the town Dorpsburgemeester.

Oh yeah? You're the uh... the Dorpsburgemeester?

Ah man. Love the setup here, man.

This place is classic. - Yes, it is.

And we intend to keep it that way.

Man, what's that guy's deal?

Grumpmeester is very protective of

our traditional Dutch way of life.

This is why he closed our only road to town.

Ah shame, man.

I feel like people would get a real kick outta this place.

Okay. Here you go.

Not bad, eh?

Eh. Could be funnier.

So you're saying we only get bottomless

mai-tais if we rent a VIP cabana?

Hey where do we keep the tiny cups?

Look in the top cabinet.

Got it. Alright.

Then let's go ahead and reserve that. Thank you.

Oh c'mon is-- this is literally the only petite thing in here.

I don't know. Just use a mug.

Uh yeah, no thanks, okay,

not everything needs to be supersized.

What'd you do to your hair?

You look like diabetic He-Man.

Ah well, it's quite popular at the cute

little European enclave I chanced upon.

Y'know, it's pretty incredible what you discover

when you're untethered by roads.

Ughhh...

Leanne wants me to make everyone custom dime bags.

This is a frickin' disaster.

I tried to give Leanne advice and somehow

I got roped into planning a two-day bender.

Alright well, clearly you're stressed.

Maybe you should take a break and uh,

y'know, get some perspective.

Ah. Yeah. Sure. Wooderhans?

Yeah, I was thinking somewhere a little more uh... worldly.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I got a lot of respect for

Mr. Met, but y'know, the Phanatic,

man, he's on another level.

Wow, that's so interesting.

Okay, Mr. Hank. We are out of time.

Oh. But you didn't even show me the red lights.

Ya if you want to come back tomorrow, I will be here.

Alright. See you then.

Uh, there is just the matter of payment?

Payment...? Did I buy something?

$200 per hour, plus $600 for the overnight.

That will be $5,425 guilders.

Uh...

Yo, that cheese is legit, right?

I gotta say, this place is adorable.

I love all the Danish stuff.

Uh, Dutch, Tam, okay.

This is Little The Netherlands, not Little... Dane-land.

You know, this place would be

perfect for Leanne's Divorcelorette.

It's exactly the right energy she needs

to start her healing journey.

Charming, peaceful, temptation-free...

Yeah... Thing is, y'know,

they're not really big on tourists.

Uh. Aren't you a tourist?

Actually uh, the locals have kinda

taken me in as one of their own.

You know, I think they see me for who I really am:

a refined, open-minded, man of the world.

Ooh. Look at that guy, Mark. He's straight out of Shrek.

Maybe uh, chill with the pics.

Oh no way. This is going on my story.

Oooh. I wanna see if that hat shop sells bedazzled tulip hats.

Hey, can we get our bill!? Been waiting forever over here!

Whoa whoa, Tam. Tam. What are you doing?

What? Nobody's checked on us in like 30 minutes.

Alright well, in certain cultures, y'know,

it's considered rude to be in a rush.

Okay well, in our culture, it's

rude to keep your customers waiting.

Yoohoo! Can we get the check over here?!

Alright, you know, maybe this isn't really your scene.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, it's just... you know, you're

being a very American right now.

We're literally "In" America.

Oh man. Typical American.

Thinking the whole world revolves around you.

You know, I'm impressed,

you've only been riding a bike for three days

and you're already insufferable!

[sigh] Frickin' Americans.

Oho man, there she goes again!

Frickin' Elske laying the bonk on Wim Wobble man,

It gets me every time.

You like the poppentheater?

Oh my God dude, it's hysterical.

Man, Hank would love this.

Wait a minute. Where's Hank?

Hey Grumps uh, you seen my brother?

Oh yes. We put him in prison.

Wait, what!

Hank? You alright?

Oh man, I wanna go home, Mark.

I hear ya, but I mean honestly, it doesn't look that bad, dude.

It's like a five-star hotel. Is that a bidet?

Oh you don't understand, Mark. They don't have hot dogs.

Just like these uh weird fancy venison sausages.

And the mustard has seeds.

Oh boy. Alright. Hold tight.

I'm gonna get you outta here, bud.

Yo, can I just pay whatever the hell he owes?

Failure to pay a sex worker is a serious violation here.

Uh... sure, but I just feel like, y'know

life in prison's a bit much.

I mean, can you at least get him some hot dogs?

He's already having withdrawal symptoms.

Well. There is one option that

would grant him immediate release.

You simply bring a tulip to the queen.

Ah hell yeah. I knew it was going to be some weird

little Dutch thing. Yo, where's she at?

In her castle. Right over there.

All you need to do is cross that bridge... on your bike.

Hahahaha!

Oh uh. Gotcha. Yeah...

Ohh-- Is someone smoking cigarettes?

They're cloves.

Please put that out.

Ughhh. Okay Mom.

Maybe we should focus on helping Leanne heal.

Totally. Okay Leanne, the first thing we need

to do is shut down the sad thoughts.

Best way? Pre-game with shots of 151 and black out immediately.

Ugh love that! - Oh my God yessss!

You know, Leanne...

there's a free sunrise breath work meditation

on the beach tomorrow morning.

[silence]

Yeah, totally.

Orrrr... we could get matching underboob tattooooos!

[cheering]

You know, I think I'm gonna... gonna walk this one.

Ah-ah. Bikes only.

Shouldn't be a problem for an

experienced bike rider like yourself.

Ah, yeah... So here's the thing, you know, my bike's

still in the shop, so...

- Actually, good news-- It is repaired!

The Fietsenmaker was even nice enough to

re-attach your... training wheels.

Mark?! Training wheels?

But... I-- I thought you were experienced.

Uh, yeah? I am, okay?

The real ones know that training wheels

actually make riding more challenging, okay.

It's like running with weights.

Well then, let's make it easier.

Alright... 'Preciate that, yeah.

Well love to stay in chat, but I've got a date with the queen.

Alright. You got this.

No whoa whoa whoa-- Ah!

- Oh, embarrassing...

Shots! Shots! Shots! Shots! Wooooo!

Hey giiirrllls. My drug dealer just texted,

we get 30% off if we hide his guns in our room.

Oh my God, yaaaas! - Wooo!

Okay. Enough! [screech]

I love you, hun, but I cannot let you do this to yourself.

What?! This is exactly what I need right now.

I can assure you this is the last thing you need right now.

Don't listen to her, Leanne. You deserve this.

Actually, what she deserves is friends who

don't enable self-destructive behavior.

So buckle up, bitches.

We're going on a healing journey.

[screech]

Tammy! What the hell are you doing!

You put me in charge, so now I'm taking charge.

Where are we going?

Somewhere a little more culturally elevated.

He does not belong here.

Maybe he does not have the cycling skills he claims,

but he has embraced our way of life.

He even added an extra "a" to his name.

No no no no, It starts with one tourist,

before you know it, your café will be replaced by a Starbucks,

our shoe-maker, will become a Foot Locker!

Our queen's castle? A Ripley's, Believe It or Not!

[gasps]

Alright, listen-- sure, maybe I don't know how to ride a bike.

and yeah, maybe the only reason I did was because

it was court-mandated.

but at least I tried to open my mind to something new.

Maybe you could do the same about normal American stuff.

I know you all think we're a bunch of

lazy, wasteful, selfish idiots

who get their news from Facebook memes.

And yeah, maybe we are.

But that doesn't mean we don't have some good things too.

Riding a bike, it's great, but

sometimes it's nice to just park your

big-ass car in a big-ass parking a lot

of some big-ass department store where you buy a bunch

of random crap made in China.

I mean what's the point of being all

"cultured" if you're just gonna be smug and

elitist about it? Because in the end, isn't

that what being open-mind is all about.

Taking the best things from all cultures.

Well, that was... enlightening.

I think our American friend made a really

compelling case... for why we do not allow--

- Watch out!

... tourists!

Oh my God, this place is redonk.

Is this where they shot Beauty and the Beast?

I know!

Like I'm literally Emily in Paris right now.

Oh my God are those tanning booths?

Where are we even?

Little Danishland.

No. Frickin'. Way.

Okay, Leanne. I'm telling you.

This is the perfect place to recenter and find inner peace...

Leanne?

I've got the milk from the well!

Eh, screw it.

Guards! Deport these heathens!

Yes, Grumpmeester!

Mark? You came back?

Of course I did. Wooden shoe?

[crash]

Hell yeah!

Someone get a pic of me on this giant fan!

Guards! Stop this madness!

Ugh! Someone do something!

You know, maybe you should be more

open-minded about this tourist thing.

I mean, they do spend a lot of money.

Thanks!

Oop! I need another one.

Oh my God.

Are you like an artist or something?

I would literally give you a thousand dollars for that.

So... they just spend money but they do not stay.

Exactly. And you know, with this revenue we could

finally add a spa to the prison gym.

Uh-- Can I help you?

You look like an albino mushroom.

... Okay?

it's so hot.

So uh... what happened to Atlantic City?

I decided to take Leanne somewhere more cultured.

You know, so she wouldn't do

anything... self-destructive.

I guess you can lead a horse to water,

but you can't make it not do tequila shots.

Well, I'm glad you showed up.

Turns out, this isn't really my scene.

Oh, really?

Yeah. Y'know, travel really opens your eyes

to just how closed-minded every culture is.

Hey guys? I think Ashley just died in the tanning bed.

Wow. So many options!

My mind, it spins.

I can't believe you've never been to a Wowo's. Haha.

Well, I have spent my whole life

thinking I had everything I needed.

Turns out, I was just too scared to see what else is out there.

I am going to try one of these "hoagies."

Sounds good, babe.

Leanne?

Steve?

Who's the pilgrim?

His name is Grumpmeester.

Grumpmeester? The hell kind of name is that?

He's Dutch.

Yeah alright, alright.

Anyway, I gotta get outta here.

I'm meeting up with some chick from Tinder for a little

"Hulu and Chill." - Have fun with that.

- Who was that guy? - Nobody.

You want an Italian shortie?

No.

No, I don't.