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I'll blow your motherfucking life into fucking shambles!

I wanna know, can you help me?

I'd love to stay

That thing is so fucking stupid.

Take me to the river…

How's it going, old boy?

Take me to the river

Put me in the water

A little duck walks into the bar, jumps up on the bar.

He looks at the bartender. He says, "You got any snails?"

He said, "Snails?"

He said, "I don't serve snails in this bar."

You was running patrol? We used to sweep the road for landmines…

Yeah, we call 'em IEDs now.

-Yeah. -Improvised explosive devices.

We lost three guys in one whack. It was a scout truck.

They were all the way out in front, half a kilometer in front of us.

I seen a fucking mushroom cloud and the doors flying…

…tell me

No one lived, you know. Just vapor.

I'd love to stay

My buddy Rick passed away.

Take me to the river

Drop me in the water

He said, "You got any snails?" He said, "Look…"

-How you doing, man? -I'm good, thanks.

"We don't sell snails here."

But he said, "I'll tell you what."

He said, "You come back again."

And he said, "I'm gonna nail your beak to the damn bar."

1969, lost nine partners on the ambush.

And, um…

-So, um… -He said, "I don't have any snails."

He said, "No? You got any nails?" He said, "No." "Well, you got any snails?"

Spare $100 to help fight cocaine withdrawal today?

No.

All right.

How about a beer?

A week later, you're a fucking animal.

No.

Then you're expected to go back to being a young man.

-You have a good night. -Thanks.

You just don't feel like a person anymore.

And you just wanna feel like a person again.

Man, I don't wanna talk about it no more.

Oh boy.

How you guys doing?

Better than you if you don't get on down there.

I tell you what, I got a good joke. One beer, just one drink.

I guess you like riding in that little van that's got all them fucking lights on it.

-How about that snow? -Keeps coming down. It's still cold.

Yeah, it is.

-Yeah. Keep coming and coming. -There's always one motherfucker…

What's up, man? How you doing? Doing all right?

-I cannot help you. -I got results from the doctor…

All right.

My blood sugar level and glucose level is all screwed up.

I've got way high glucose, way high.

Mr. Bartender there, you think you could spare me a beer?

I'll pay you back.

I get paid tomorrow.

Eating too much sugar, uh… is the main cause of it.

That gets your glucose level up.

Drinking sodas gets your glucose level up.

Look, man, you're always welcome here.

But you have to stop harassing my customers.

All right, I'm sorry. I, um…

Dog died today.

My car broke down. My girlfriend made me a cuck.

-Hmm. -I got a girlfriend that's gonna…

What if I sing you a song?

What makes you think I wanna hear you sing?

I don't know. I think I'm pretty good.

Liven the place up a little bit.

It's kinda sad in here, you know?

Huh?

See that old man down there?

The one with the, uh, tubes?

-Yeah. -Yeah.

He used to sing every Friday night.

Tear the house down.

You think… think he'd buy me a beer?

If you can beat that guy, I'll give you a six-pack.

Oh, okay.

I can outsing anybody in this fucking place.

I promise you that. If your wife was here, her panties would hit the floor instantly.

-Maybe even yours too. -Hmm.

You know what?

Give me a minute.

I love this place. It's really nice. I see why you come here.

See that guy down there?

Know what he said?

He said he can outsing you.

He probably can.

Man, I miss hearing you sing.

Yeah, well…

How you doing, Mike?

I'm okay, Captain.

Day by day.

It's cold as hell out there though.

What do you say?

Can you put him in his place for me?

-Oh man. -Tell you what.

I'm probably the only person in this world who knows this.

But if you look closely,

in all that sea of one-dollar bills…

Hmm.

…there's one $100 bill.

I thought about taking it for myself more than a few times.

$100.

And a free beer.

Everybody, this is how it's going down.

Free beer and $100 to the best singer in the bar tonight.

Damn.

Amazing grace

-For the love of God. -How sweet the sound

That saved a wretch like me

Lovely. Wow. That was fantastic.

-I don't know how I'm gonna follow that. -Oh, fuck y'all.

Ain't none of y'all down there can sing it any better.

Give it a fucking try.

You couldn't carry a fucking tune in a bucket.

Fucking square-headed bastards, every damn one of you.

Yo! Can y'all please shut up?

You know, I think my friend over here might wanna join, huh?

No, thanks. I'm… I'm good.

-Smart decision. -I feel bad for y'all.

There he goes.

Ain't none of you got any guts.

None of you.

-That goes for you too, old man. -Yeah.

You got one foot in the grave and the other on a damn banana peel.

Go ahead and laugh down there.

I ain't afraid of nothing. Do you hear me talking?

I hear a fucking slab of bacon talking shit. That's what I hear.

You be the one talk… Hell, you couldn't pour piss out of a boot

if the instruction was on the bottom of it. You understa--

In the early morning rain

With a dollar in my hand

With an aching in my heart

And my pockets full of sand

I'm a long way from home

And I miss my loved ones so

Your mouth looks like teeth in a horse's ass.

I bet you when you go down on your old lady,

you give her a fucking hysterectomy at the same time.

-Bucktooth bastard. -Yo, Muffin. Shh.

There is a house

Down in New Orleans

They call it the Rising Sun

All right. All right.

Aw, it's been the ruin

Of many a poor boy

And dear God knows I'm one

Yeah!

The only thing

That a gambler needs

Is a suitcase and a trunk

And the only time

He's ever satisfied

-Is when he's old and drunk -When he's all drunk

You go tell Tell my baby brother

Don't know what I have done

Whoo!

Would you shun that house

Down in New Orleans

That they call the Rising Sun

That they call the Rising Sun

Amen, brother.

Ain't nobody in here can sing but that old man right there.

So just hang your fucking heads and go on home.

Said you went crazy

You've lost your mind

Now the man you love

Whoo!

Hurts you all the time

When things go wrong

So wrong with you

It hurts me too

Y'all hearing this?

I'll be damned.

The little bastard can sing.

You love him more You should love him less

I'll come up behind him

Pick up all his mess

When things go wrong

So wrong with you

It hurts me too

Yeah!

You call me up

Down from El Paso

Said come back, Daddy

I need you so

When things go wrong

So wrong with you

It hurts me too

Wow!

-Come on. His beer's on me. -Oh man.

I know I'm going to hell for this, but I'm gonna say the young guy.

I can't believe I'm saying that, because I love the old guy.

And I love the young guy. I love them both. How can you…

Give them a tie, you know.

Give them a drink, pat on the back, and say, "You're the best."

That's what I'd do.

It's just like, singing a song is like telling a story about…

Have you all got any good titty bars around here?

Oh, hell yes.

We've got Illusions,, Palominos.

Would you like to go sometime?

Whoa

My, my love

My darling

I hunger for

Your touch

A long

Lonely time

And time

Goes by

So slowly

And time

Can do so much

Are you

Still mine?

Mine

I need

Your love

I

I need

Your love

Godspeed your love

To

To me

I declaim

While taken with delirium

I do not know what I am saying

Or what I am doing

Yet it is necessary, I must force--

Ah, we're drinking And we're dancing

And the band is really happening

And the Johnny Walker wisdom Running high

And my very sweet companion She's the Angel of Compassion

She's rubbing half the world Against her thigh

And every drinker, every dancer Lifts a happy face to thank her

The fiddler fiddles Something so sublime

All the women tear their blouses off

And the men They dance on the polka dots

And it's partner found And it's partner lost

And it's hell to pay When the fiddler stops

Closing time

Closing time Closing time, closing time

Yeah, the women tear their blouses off

And the men They dance on the polka dots

And it's partner found And it's partner lost

And it's hell to pay When the fiddler stops

It's closing time