Original subtitles

Kia ora.

I'm Toby Buchanan, and you're listening to Small Town Scandal, Episode 3.

A few days ago, my Uncle Mitch was found dead on his lawn.

And his current wife, Janine, certainly appeared upset about it.

I managed to find his autopsy report at the local doctor's, and I found out that

there was ketamine in both his...

and a local librarian's systems when they died.

I've since discovered an underground subculture of swingers parties and drug

takers in my small town of Tohoi Lo.

Could one of these parties hold the clue to solving Uncle Mitch's death?

And that's how this episode begins, with me being a Peeping Tom, or Peeping

Toby, I guess.

All I can see is various body parts.

Some of the body parts I can't even identify.

Toby, how did you find out about all of this?

Oh, um, just a librarian invited me along.

Oh, yes, that would be Lisa.

She's always looking for new members.

She picked a good night. It's bondage and leather scene.

Tell me, I'm so embarrassed

that you saw me like that.

It's fine.

There's never normally that many men focusing on one woman.

It's fine, honestly.

Obviously, Lisa is there. She insists on wearing a strap -on.

Okay, we don't need to talk about her answer to me. Honestly, it's fine. Oh.

So, um, did Uncle Mitch know about these sexual parties?

Oh, no.

He was usually involved.

And the recreational drug?

Oh, yeah.

Ketamine. Yes, he used it a lot, actually.

We love ketamine.

Turns anybody into a personal time warp.

Oh, Mitchie.

He distanced himself from all of us, though, towards the end.

He was just growing jealous, I think.

I don't mean to brag, but I am rather popular at these events, and Mitch

having a problem with that.

Janine!

The cowgirl competition's about to begin.

Oh, wonderful. Oh, yes, yes, yes. I'm so sorry, Toby. I have to dash.

I was the brains behind a new challenge for travelling called Riding Cowgirls,

and it would be bad form for me. You're not meant to feed me.

Oh, and if you want to stay, honey, you have to strip down.

Pop on one of those leather harnesses that are floating around.

Auntie Janine's suspect status was slipping.

She wasn't at the mansion when Uncle Mitch died, and she did seem genuinely

upset at his passing.

But all this talk about jealousy got me thinking about her lovers, and I was

about to meet one face to face.

Luckily, my phone was still recording.

Toby! Hey!

Toby! Toby, it's me!

It's me!

It's Bill!

Oh, I heard you were here. Oh, yes.

Bill Haslop, who's cheating on his equestrian wife to be with Auntie

course. How's it going?

Hey, look, can we have a quick word?

Yeah, thanks, mate.

Let's just pop in here real quick.

Thanks, mate. Good man.

Yeah, yeah, just real quick.

I just wanted to thank you, mate.

You were here for yesterday?

Yeah. My wife at the vets and keeping mum about me and Janine.

Sure. Heather's got no idea about any of it.

And that's tubing me up inside, you know?

At the same time, I just can't help myself.

I've just got no idea that I come to these things.

There's another bloody secret I'm keeping, eh?

Hopefully I don't go down a gay hole.

Who's Uncle Mitch?

Oh, he is a great guy.

You know, he really helped me.

You know, helped me with all the cryptocurrency disasters.

I suppose me and Janine, we just found solace in each other's arms, you know?

You know, I went round to grieve with her, and we were organising to meet at O

'Reilly's Hotel.

So were you quite good mates with Uncle Mitch?

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, I would have killed for him.

I was so angry when I found out that he died.

I went round and I smashed one of those self -automated lawnmowers.

How dare they?

How dare they kill such a tip -top chap, you know?

Every godforsaken household's bought one of the sons of bitches.

Have you watched The Terminator?

Oh. No, we haven't. It is on my list, but... I mean, I do know the central

premise. Yeah, so you know.

You're going to take over. Just you watch.

Oh, Lord.

Oh.

Oh, Lord, here comes the keyhole.

OK. Oh, it's time to batten down the hatches. OK, OK.

Oh!

OK,

so if this guy was acting, it was an Oscar -worthy performance. This is

good. Oh, he seems genuinely upset about Uncle Mitch's death.

So does this mean that he's also no longer a suspect?

Oh,

just a quick one.

Oh.

Oh.

Well, anyway, you going to come join in the festivities?

Oh, no.

Oh, yeah, come on. Come on, you'll have fun, I promise.

Oh, no.

Toby?

I think it's safe to say that Auntie Janine and her lover, Bill Heslop, are

longer suspects.

But where does that leave me? Am I at a stalemate?

Or is Bill Heslop right, and we're on the precipice of an AI machine -led

end of civilization with these lawnmowers?

I mean, they are hugely popular.

And basically every household has one.

No, this is stupid.

I don't want this podcast to devolve into conspiracy theories.

But in saying that, maybe I'm missing the most reasonable, obvious

Okay, looks like it's time to investigate the next unlikely, albeit

suspect.

The Buchananizer.

As long as Mitch's Hypermega store's been open, it's been incredibly popular.

People have come from far and wide for their motor mowing needs, but mostly to

buy one of their very own world -renowned Buchananizers.

Considering their boss was brutally killed just a few days ago, the staff of

Mitch's Hypermega store don't appear overly upset.

Hi. Hi there.

Hi, sir.

How can we help you?

Hi, I'm Toby.

Uncle Mitch was my actual uncle.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

It's fine.

It's sad, but yeah. Hey, listen, I was wondering if there was any chance I

talk to someone about the mechanics of the Buchananiser.

Just for interest's sake.

You'll probably want to speak to Gurush down in the basement.

Gurush is still here.

Wow.

I knew him, like, 35 years ago, and even then he would have been... He would

have been... Anyway, yeah, yes.

Yes.

Let's go and visit Grish, if that's OK.

Um, he's just down there at the end of the corridor.

It's easy enough to find.

Will you introduce me to him?

I reckon you'll be fine. He doesn't really like people, I don't think.

But he'll like you.

I'm sure of it. Oh, okay.

Good luck.

Okay.

Okay, yeah.

My plan? To find out if the Buchananizer had the impetus, but mostly the

capabilities, to actually kill someone.

That's it!

I'm entering Garush's workshop.

So, Garush used to be...

One of the inventors of the original Buchananizer.

I remember him about 30 years ago.

But even then he was an old man, so Lord knows how old he is now.

Hello?

Garouche? Who are you?

I'm Toby Buchanan.

Uncle Mitch was my uncle.

Um...

I used to come here all the time as a kid. I don't know if you remember,

McGroosh.

I was actually wondering if I could talk to you about something.

I've been thinking quite a bit about the Buchananizers.

Obviously, Uncle Mitch died, and one of the leading hypotheses is that he was

actually killed by a Buchananizer, which I know is poetic.

Yes, it's a bit like Frankenstein, right? Because he was killed by his

invention. I mean, basically, do you think that Buchananis could have killed

Uncle Mitch?

I mean, that's not a very satisfying end to the podcast.

Not that you care about that.

Oh, I'm babbling.

Experiment. I beg your pardon?

Experiment.

Oh.

Uh... Are you sure this is such a good idea, Karush?

With an experiment, you have to replicate conditions exactly.

What?

It doesn't even ride up onto me.

Let alone cut me.

Your hypothesis is correct.

Then why did they cut his face up so badly then?

Ow! Get out of it!

Can

I

piss him down harder?

You're a scientist.

Well, I guess I conclude that someone would have to have done it.

The Buchananizers couldn't have done this damage by themselves, right? In

to get the damage that they did, someone would have to pick it up, place it on

his face, and then press down on it.

That's the only way that he could sustain the injuries that he did.

But I'm at a loss, Garouche.

Who would want him dead?

Everyone who work here, they all want him dead.

Wait, the staff?

Why would they want him dead?

Because he's an asshole.

He treat everyone like shit.

And also, he want to sell company.

Everyone lose job.

He wanted to sell the company.

You didn't want him dead, did you?

Who did?

I've not been outside in 25 years.

So not me.

Oh, okay.

Wait, you haven't been outside for 25 years?

The sunlight, it burns.

I have to have special SPF 550.

It's not easy to get.

So, trying to find out who killed my Uncle Mitch was spiralling out of

So there are about 20 staff members at the Hyper Megastore. Every one of them a

suspect? Do I have to investigate every single one of them?

Toby Buchanan?

Enter my crush, Katie Jarram. Hi, honey.

From school, that is.

Oh, you work here, that's right. You got it.

There I am.

That's professionally done.

Anyways, what are you doing here?

I'm just here for memory's sake.

How's everything going with all of that? You all right? I just, I still can't

believe he's gone.

Just in shock or whatever.

Yeah, me too.

Tobes, I just, like, have to ask.

Living in Sydney.

Oh. Do you just think the best time?

Yeah, I can't wait to go back.

I just always, always, always wanted to move over there.

And then Mitch was going to open a hyper mega store in Newcastle. And I was

going to manage.

And that just would have been, like, so neat.

Who do you think is going to take over the business now?

Oh, I don't actually know.

Oh. Maybe as kids, do you think?

Nah, they're pretty busy with their jet -setting lifestyle over in Hong Kong.

So, jet -setting.

Anyway, what are you doing?

Like, what have you been up to? What are you journalising at the moment? Sorry,

journalist... Journalist -dicking.

Um... I'm actually working on a podcast at the moment, Katie.

Stop. I love podcasts.

It is so cool.

I actually listened to a really good one about women in business called Profit,

Loss and Lipstick.

What's your one about? Oh, men's mental health.

Just on the down low, Katie, I'm actually doing it on Uncle Mitch's life

death.

What a great man he was.

I don't think his death was as cut and dry as they are saying it was.

I've just been down with Garouge.

And let's just say some of the events around Uncle Mitch's death and what the

Buchananizers did.

It doesn't add up.

I mean, girl, who's... No,

I don't think that anyone did it because it was an accident, which is what the

police have said. I sort of felt lucky.

Anyway, I should probably... Oh, I need to get back to work. Is that OK?

Yes. Oh, I hope we get to catch up properly.

Yeah, it's good to see you. You look great.

My suspect list was getting unwieldy and I didn't know how to proceed.

I guess I had to reframe the whole investigation around one central

Who would gain the most from Uncle Mitch dying?

And would a staff member, no matter how disgruntled, be prepared to murder him?

What would they get out of that?

Also, you'd have to really hate Uncle Mitch to take an automated lawnmower and

force it onto its face, right?

Because you're good at tech.

I've told Janine that you'll be more than happy to do the photo montage for

Mitch's funeral.

I'm busy with my podcast.

If you can do it by this afternoon, that would be good.

Oh, and I've told Russell, the suit hire, that you'll be popping in to have

suit fitted this afternoon.

Oh, my God. If you behave, you can have cheese toasties for lunch.

That's my boy.

Reward focus.

What did Dad say when you told him about Uncle Mitch?

I would say he was upset, but he was also drunk.

Is he coming back for the funeral?

I've sent him all the details, but don't hold your breath that he'll make it

back.

Organising a flight back from Cairn is probably a little bit beyond his

capabilities.

Shall I put a photo of Aunty Andrea into the montage?

Oh, that's a point.

Yes, she'll probably be at the funeral.

Well, didn't Uncle Mitch get a restraining order out again? Well, I

void when one of them is dead.

Anyway, put one in for old time's sake, but maybe put one in with her eyes

closed. You're terrible, Auntie Sue.

Oh, on the other hand, maybe not. Oh, she's had partial paralysis since her

surgery, so I know she's very sensitive about it.

So, I guess it's time for some family history.

Aunty Andrea was Uncle Mitch's first wife and the mother of his twins.

When he hit the big time and made his first 10 million and women started

throwing themselves at him, he proceeded to upgrade Aunty Andrea for a newer

model, despite Aunty Andrea spending thousands on her personal upgrade in

Thailand.

Aunty Andrea proceeded to have a psychotic breakdown of sorts,

so, I guess.

And in the end, Mitch ended up taking out a restraining order against her.

Oh, what do you think, Carol?

Is this Kiwi fascinator too drab?

It is a bit funny.

Where's Auntie Andrea living these days?

She's living in a unit up in Hamilton.

I went to see her a couple of, well, two months ago, actually.

Oh, she's had even more work done, if you know what I mean.

Does she come down here much?

Oh, no. With the twins not here, there's no point, really.

And she just hates that drive.

Oh, that drive from Hamilton can be really terrible.

Absolutely. There was that family that was killed, drove clean off a cliff, and

knowing Andrea's bad luck, she'd probably do the same thing.

Wait, didn't something terrible happen to Andrea in the mid -naughty? Her

just dropped dead.

Just like that.

Oh. Wait, what? I don't know about this.

Auntie Andrea's dad just dropped dead.

Yeah.

Just like that.

And then a few months later, her mum passed as well.

Wait, what?

Auntie Andrea's parents just dropped dead?

Do they know how they died?

No idea.

Could they have been poisoned?

Poisoned? Why would they be poisoned?

No, no, no. Death comes to us all sometimes, doesn't it? With this sordid

backstory in mind, looks like I had a new number one suspect.

Aunty Andrea.