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Please welcome on stage,

Rohan Joshi

Hi! What's going on?

Hello!

What is up? Holy Shit!

My name is Rohan,

I recently turned thirty six years old.

[Audience] Woo!

What woo?

Do we have people here in their thirties, Yes?

Conserve your energy.

Anybody here whose age still ends in teen, Yes?

Your age still ends in teen?

Yeah?

What's your name?

[Woman] Eva.

Eva.

And how old are you Eva?

[Eva] Nineteen.

Nineteen.

Fuck you Eva.

Nobody likes you,

with your youthful exuberance.

and ability to get shit done on two hours of sleep.

You're nineteen?

You know how young that is?

It's young enough that if you put your face in Face app and hit enter

you get me.

I am finally at that age where I am seeing the transition

from bhaiyya to uncle happen in real time.

It's sad but true.

I was walking down the street the other day

this kid comes up to me and says, "Excuse me, what time is it Uncle?"

And as a reflex, it slipped out of my mouth,

"Your father is an uncle, shithead."

And then his father came,

he was my age.

I'm finally at that age where when I walk into a family wedding

the kids hide their cigarettes.

Yup!

But it's cool because now that I am thirty six,

I am finally at that age

where like my younger cousins, nieces, nephews

also are adults,

and have their own lives.

So I have to figure out how much of the cool uncle,

slash older cousin am I?

How much will I allow in my presence?

And it's a tricky one because sometimes we'll be out partying

and they'll be like, "Hey, we want a drink."

And I'll be like, "Yea, fuck yea, totally cool I will buy you shots.

Let's do it!"

And now after that, little emboldened,

they'll come and be like,

"Hey, you will give us some weed or what?"

And I'm like,

Hmm, I don't know if I'm that cool...

But also it is a tough one because on the one hand

I want to say no,

but on the other hand I have to think long term

because I know in a few weeks,

I'll run out of my stash.

It's important.

I am finally at that age where I don't party much any more.

Like it doesn't happen, like just natural transition.

Used to party,

not so much any more.

Like when I was in my teens and in my twenties,

I would go to a club

minimum once a week and be like,

"We are going to stay here till this place shuts down!"

Now I go to a club once a year maximum,

and be like,

"Holy Shit!

When did this place shut down?"

"It's a Yes Bank now!?

Do you remember we used to throw up in front of that ATM?"

But that happens,

that's natural transition in life, right?

Things that used to give you joy no longer do.

You find other ways of getting joy,

like I used to love partying

but not any more.

Like trust me partying is great.

But boss,

have you tried home renovation?

Uff!

That is the scream of people in their thirties.

Like home renovation is great.

I love it like whatever you want right now.

Tiles, flooring, wood flooring

curtains, furnishings,

whatever you need,

AMA.

I am deep down the home renovation rabbit hole, alright.

I was watching a pornographic video the other day

and I don't know how else to say this, alright,

but the video was shot in a really nice house.

I mean...

It was.

You know porn, they shoot it in nice houses.

and half way through the video, alright

this couple,

they cut to the bathroom and this couple starts fucking

except now I had been looking for bath fittings, all week.

and suddenly behind them

I saw the most gorgeous wash basin,

and I got excited.

And without thinking I started taking screenshots like a dumbass

I'm taking screen shots and am getting angry at the couple

when they are getting in the way.

I'm like, "Get your ass out of the way, asshole."

And I keep on taking screen shots, not stopping to think

how the fuck am I supposed to show this,

to like my designers or the store owner!

How would that even work like?

Just like,

Hmm...

No..not this thing,

see the thing between the ass and the thigh.

I want that faucet.

No, that's a faucet, its a faucet.

Oh, that is not a faucet!

Right true story.

Now that I'm paying for my own renovation,

I automatically hate anyone who has a nicer house than me.

Like honestly with the greatest of respect,

fuck the Taj Mahal!

Like really fuck it,

like I am sure it's 'Beautiful!'

and one of the 'Wonders of the World'

but the only reason it is so elaborate is because Shah Jahan was emperor,

so he got a lot of discounts and freebies in his life.

I swear to God if Shah Jahan had to pay per square foot,

for marble and labour,

with GST,

he would have taken one look at the bill and said

"You know what? Honestly...

Mumtaz is more of a work friend."

Like, now that I am thirty six years old,

sometimes I see young people like Eva doing things,

and I'll be like, "Holy Shit, I wish I could still do that."

But then I'll remember that I'm thirty six years old

which means fuck you Eva

I have money now so I can do that.

That is all your thirties are by the way

in case anybody is wondering.

It is just your twenties but with more comfort,

because you actually have financial stability.

Like I'll give you an example of myself.

Couple of months ago I was at this store,

and I was trying to choose,

"Should I buy the Playstation Four or the XBox One?

PS 4 or Xbox One?

PS or Xbox?

Then suddenly this voice in my head goes,

"Rohan. Or?!"

You're thirty six years old.

And I was like, "Yeah, fuck holy shit,

I am thirty six years old."

So you know what Eva,

with full swag,

I went and bought medical insurance.

But there's some stuff that I used to think

I loved doing when I was young

and in my twenties, I thought I loved doing it,

but I realize now,

that I was only romanticizing my poverty.

One of those things that I thought I loved doing,

but will never do again given a choice,

driving road trip from Bombay to Goa.

Fuck you,

you people go ahead.

Uncle's going to take the plane.

Thank you!

My butt can no longer deal. Sorry.

I can't do it!

And it's really difficult because the problem is...

I feel like in every friend's group there is that one fucking friend

who wants to drive everywhere.

He just wants to drive everywhere,

for no reason,

can turn anything into driving,

you can go up to him and be like,

"Bro, I'm going to buy some vegetables."

"Bro, fuck the vegetables, let's go to Manali."

No!

Also road trips are damn fucking over rated.

In India especially,

because the first thing

you need for a road trip are actual roads.

Second of all, all road trips have the same graph,

if it's a twelve hour road trip

the first two hours are, "Wow! What beautiful scenery."

The next ten hours,

by mistake you light one cigarette and it's like,

"Oh man, I really should've pooped before we left."

"Bro, how far is Manali?

How much do you love your car?"

I just can't do it.

The drive from Bombay to Goa takes twelve hours.

The flight from Bombay to Goa takes forty five minutes.

This is not a contest.

Like at all!

Come on forty five minutes, twelve hours,

name one thing

which if you could finish in forty five minutes,

you would do for twelve hours.

Now I know, there are young people in this room.

Which means there is at least one smart ass dying to shout

SEX!

Sex I'll do for twelve hours.

I can hear you think it.

But buddies, I am thirty six years old.

Twelve hour sex sessions are not aspirational,

they are science fiction.

Like at my age when you hear a song

come on that says,

"I wanna make love to you all night long."

I'm like, "Fuck off, liar!"

Young people in this room, you will not understand,

You'll will never understand.

but you don't understand how weird it is to be at an age

where you relate to the questions in the 'Ask the sexpert' column.

You will not understand,

and it's damn awkward because the only time

the sexpert column ever comes up when somebody wants to laugh at it.

So your friends are reading out the question like,

"Ha, ha, ha..." [Guffaws]

And I am like, "Ha, ha [Sheepishly laughs] but, what's his answer?"

Well it's cool,

now that I am thirty six,

some shit is changing.

Definitive questions about my future are arising.

Like the marriage thing is a question again.

Like I am thirty six now

so that ten year patriarchy

grace period that men get,

that is also over.

Yeah!

It was there, now it's gone.

And that's fine but the weird thing is...

with marriage, I don't think it's for me.

I don't think it is a thing I want to do.

and I am not one of those,

'Eh, fuck marriage' or whatever,

just not for me.

Right?

And I feel like I was way more enthusiastic

about getting married

when I was younger

than I am now at thirty six and I feel like that's a trend.

I feel like you are way more enthusiastic and idealistic about the institution

when you are younger than when you get older.

I was trying to figure out why that is.

The first reason I think that you want to get married

when you are young

is because when you are a young Indian

everything in your life is conditioning you to want to get married.

Yeah?

Like every young Indian has had some version of this conversation,

where an older person will sit you down and will be like,

"Son,

get married now,

because otherwise afterwards no...

You won't find only anybody.

People will finish."

"Stocks of people will run out.

Meaning if you say no today,

tomorrow all eligible people will die."

Which is kind of bullshit.

The other reason,

the other reason,

I think that young people wanna get married more than older people is this.

When you are young like in your teens or twenties,

you see a lot of weddings.

In your thirties,

you see a lot of marriage.

and the two give you wildly different perspectives.

Weddings are the sales pitch,

marriage is the after sales service.

Right?

This why there's a very big difference between weddings and marriages.

Like for example,

if you don't know nothing about India,

and I just show you a photograph of the Taj Mahal,

of the Agra expressway

and evening prayer at Varanasi,

you're gonna look at them and think

"Oh fuck, Uttar Pradesh is the best place ever!"

"Everybody should live here!"

But then if I show you,

an Anurag Kashyap movie

or a Prakash Jha movie,

or fuck it, a newspaper.

You'll see that and say, "No, maybe we should go to Goa."

Even if we have to drive it there, it's okay.

And that is the difference between weddings and marriages.

Now the thing is some young people here

may look at that analogy and be like that is brilliant!

I am going to use that.

the next time an older person brings up marriage.

Does not work, alright?

Does not work.

First of all in general when I tell older people

I don't want to get married,

I'm just speaking my truth

but for some reason

older people see it as an invitation to debate.

I have no idea why,

not once in my life have I said, "Oh I don't want to get married. Discuss!"

Not once, not once!

But older people start,

and they have the same arguments all the time, like,

"Ya, but don't you get lonely?"

So!?

You think married people never get lonely?

Have you ever met a married person?

Single biggest learning of my thirties is this,

Just because somebody is right next to you,

it doesn't mean they're with you.

[Audience] Oh...

Yeah!

You know what?

I don't even have a joke there.

I just got tired of that depressing thought being in my head alone.

So...

Return present!

And that is true but old people again,

"Don't you get lonely?"

Yes I do.

"So then?!"

Then I do the same thing that married people do,

when they get lonely.

I go sleep with someone I am not married to.

[Audience] Oh!

Honestly, the reason I love doing that last joke

is not because it's funny,

but just because given the composition of my audience,

I just know statistically,

there will at least be one awkward car ride home.

"So what you thought of the show?"

"First two, three jokes were good,

but then..."

"We should see other people."

Again you're thinking may be

that's an argument you want to use on older people.

Don't!

Because older people don't care,

they just move on to their next argument,

which is the thermonuclear one,

"Yeah but what about children"?

I'm like fuck,

"I don't want to marry children that's damn extreme."

Relax grandpa,

just 'coz you did it...

[Audience] Oh, Woo!

But again right?

Just because you get married

doesn't mean you should have children.

They are two very different skill sets.

Very different skill sets,

alright?

Like for example I don't know if I am cut out

to raise a kid, right

because just based on family and friends

who have children, what I can tell is

in 2019 having a child is two things.

One, crazy expensive,

and two, requires an absurd amount of patience.

and I am not sure I am ready for either of those two things.

Like having a kid in 2019 is fucking mad expensive.

Like I have a nephew,

and I see how hard my sister and her husband work,

to make sure that there is always enough money

to give him the best of opportunities,

to send him to the best school possible,

and I know for a fact that he goes to the best school possible.

Because every single morning,

when he wakes up he does something really weird,

he goes to it willingly.

As someone who was raised in the Indian education system,

do you know how weird it is?

To see a child wake up at six in the morning

and be like, "Yay, School!"

It makes no sense to me.

But then again my nephew goes to an IB school, right?

Yeah it's a really good school, it's an IB school.

Do you guys know what an IB school is?

[Audience] Yes

Right for those of you who don't know,

IB is short for,

"He's gonna grow up and move abroad."

Right?

and he goes, he goes to an IB school.

I went to an SSC school.

Again, why?

Like IB and SSC.

Couldn't be two worlds more different than that, right?

Like it's not that SSC is shit in comparison to my nephew's education.

SSC was shit in comparison to the choices even I had back then.

Because when I was growing up

there was ICSE, CBSE, SSC.

Indian Certificate of Secondary Education.

Central Board of Secondary Education.

Secondary School Certificate.

Of all the three, only mine didn't have the word education in it!

Like SSC is though...

is there anybody here who went to a SSC school?

Raise your right hand.

[Audience Cheers]

Also if you went to a SSC school, this is your right hand.

Those who are laughing they are from ICSE and CBSE.

The SSC people are like, "Yeah, so?! It's good to confirm facts!"

Like SSC is the worst fucking state board on the planet.

Like I am actually glad that SSC didn't teach me anything,

that I actually need in life.

I am glad!

Like if SSC taught sky diving, amazing things would happen.

The final exam would be a thing of beauty.

Everybody would get on the plane, ICSE kid, CBSE kid, SSC kid.

Right? Plane goes to fifteen thousand feet,

ICSE kid is chilling in business class.

CBSE kid in economy class,

SSC kid is crying in cargo.

Go up high enough, door opens, time for the exam.

ICSE kid gets a parachute,

CBSE kid gets a parachute,

SSC kid gets a text book about parachutes.

and then they kick us all out of the plane.

ICSE, CBSE students are happily opening parachutes,

Taking Go Pro videos.

The SSC student is just in free fall.

"Parachute is an object that slows the motion of a body to." [Splats into ground]

And I went to an SSC school

at the worst possible time you could go to an SSC school

The 1990s!

Which is when Maharashtra got a Shiv Sena government.

Who took one look at our broken education system and said,

"You know what the real problem is? The children are not speaking Marathi."

And they just made Marathi an extra compulsory hundred mark paper.

But only for SSC students,

CBSE and ICSE didn't have to do any of this shit.

Now here's the thing, I know some of you are thinking,

"Yeah so what?

It's your local language shouldn't you be proud of it?"

"Shouldn't you like it anyway?"

Okay sure but pro tip number one, if you want a child to like something

don't make it a hundred mark paper.

Like true story,

If you want kids to stop watching porn, make porn a hundred mark paper.

I promise you Bunty will wake up tomorrow morning

and immediately jerk off to his Physics book instead.

Another thing with this whole hundred marks Marathi is this, alright?

This is not a cultural argument, it's an academic one.

and anybody who has ever been raised in our education system,

knows that it is built on two ground realities.

Ground reality number one,

every single mark matters.

Not every five marks, not every ten marks.

Every single mark matters, right?

Every single mark matters, one mark lost can mean the difference

between your dream career and a lifetime of doing stand-up.

The second ground reality is this,

objective papers like Maths and Sciences

you can get full marks because there's a mark for every step plus

the correct answer,

but language and literature papers you

never get full marks because they have essay-type questions.

And no fuckin examiner in history has ever given full marks

for an essay-type question.

So the more papers you have with

essay-type questions the worse your marksheet looks.

Which brings me to my question,

Why the fuck should I lose out

on my dream career just because I couldn't write,

Zhaada Chi Aatma Katha?

That is 'autobiography of a tree' for non-Marathi speakers.

I don't know why every Indian student has been made to write

The Autobiography of a Tree' at some point in their lives?

With the greatest of respect to your oxygen giving abilities,

trees you are not that interesting.

Also truth is, fucking the story of every tree in India is the same.

There is no difference.

"Dear diary, builder gave lusty looks again today.

Some men came and killed my brother today and took away his body.

saying that they needed to make answer sheets for the SSC board."

One more SSC student hanged themselves on my branch today.

When they found out that while they were doing hundred marks

compulsory Marathi, Aditya Thackeray was chilling in an ICSE school."

And those were the nineties, they were tough times.

When those marks were gone,

they were just gone.

Kids today have it easy.

If you don't know the answer to the question,

in your answer paper

you can just write, 'Love You Modiji' and they have to give you

hundred marks.

By Law!

Luckily my nephew is growing up in a better world, better education system.

I look at the education he's getting and it is amazing!

He had his first proper exams a couple of months ago and I said, "Good Luck!

What's your first paper?"

And he said, "English Novel Studies."

I said, "What?"

And he's like, "Yeah, we studied a couple of novels over the course of the semester,

and now today I have to go and in my exam I have to give my teacher

my opinion on those novels."

And I was like what sort of fucked up education system,

cares about your opinion?

Like...

Like it's very sad, he is twelve,

I am thirty-six and I am getting proper jealous of him in this moment.

Where in my head, I'm like, "Yeah, all that is fine,

but I'll bet you don't know anything about 'Zhaada chi atma katha', huh?!

Don't try and show off okay?

But for yeah it's amazing, I look at his curriculum. I look at

the subjects he is studying, so diverse, so different that it's great

because for the first time it feels like I am looking at an Indian kid

in the Indian education system and thinking, "Holy Shit

you really can grow up to be whatever the fuck you want to be."

Then I see his school fees and I'm like,

"Yeah shut up and become a doctor you lil shit."

Having a kid is expensive but having a kid also requires

an absurd amount of patience.

All of us here have at some point in our lives been in a public place,

where a child is on the floor melting down

like the core at Chernobyl.

And both parents are just standing there.

Completely done with its shit.

All parental love has left the body.

One parent is looking at the other with that look that says,

"You're sure I'm not allowed one slap?"

"No one will see. And it'll sort things right out I promise."

All of us have been in this position.

And the thing is right, whenever I am in a

public place when this happens, I grab a drink,

I sit down and I watch.

Because inevitably in that situation,

one of my favourite things in the world happens.

Because if it's in public,

what will happen is at some point,

some poor policeman will make the mistake of walking past

and when that happens ten out of ten Indian parents

a.k.a one hundred percent of them,

do the exact same thing.

[In Hindi] "Look, Police uncle is asking who is crying,

Bunty is crying, police uncle, take Bunty away!

Take him away.

Police uncle was wondering who was crying, it's Bunty! Take him away officer!"

And it's amazing because in that situation

the cop's face is always like, "Damn it, why the fuck?"

Why should I be the villain?

Just 'coz you're a crappy dumbass parent.

Just once in my life I want to meet the cop who snaps and

takes the joke too far.

Like you know when the parents are,

"Take Bunty away!" and he's like, "Cool. Come with me kid"

and fucks off with Bunty.

Takes Bunty home to his wife, "Anjali look what I brought!"

Anjali is like, "Fuck Ramesh that's the seventh one this week,

what is wrong with you?"

I am sorry! Their faces are so funny.

Personally, don't have a child,

never parented, closest I've come to it is raising two cats.

That's it.

It is,

closest I have come to it to be clear,

I wanna point out

I do not think that raising a pet is the same as raising a child.

Uh, parents get very angry if you compare the two

I agree, I agree...

They are very very different, doesn't matter

what I do, my pet will never grow up to hate me.

It's cool.

I am not saying that raising a cat and

raising a child is the same thing but you can learn a little bit

about parenting from how you parent your cat.

Like couple of months ago, one of my cats got super duper sick, alright,

to the point where I thought I was going to lose him.

I had this knot in my stomach,

my heart was pounding

I rushed him to the vet, I'm crying.

I'm like please, please, please, please, please help him.

I really, really need to help him,

I'll do anything to help him.

And the vet is like, "It's okay, I've given him an injection, he'll be fine.

Just take him home. Take this medicine and feed it to him five times a day,

for five days and he will be fine."

and I take my cat home and I am like, "Thank God",

and I am trying to feed him

this medicine 'For. His. Own. Good'

and this fucker is biting me and scratching me, and making me bleed.

and kicking the medicine over on to the furniture. And I was like "FUUUUUCK!"

Just called my mum immediately and said, "I am so sorry."

and she said, "For what?"

And I said, "For life."

Because honestly I don't know about you guys

but feel like it's true for you guys also but honestly,

I can think of at least ten times, just off the top of my head

in my childhood where honestly my mum should have just killed me.

And it would have been okay.

Like hundred percent

Like in the sixth standard, the night before my Maths paper,

when for five hours she's trying to explain to me that

(a-b)* is a* minus 2ab but plus b*

and it is not getting into my head, because I am singing,

true story,

Baazigar.

She would have been well within her rights to just pick up that protractor

snap it in two and just...

Like even in court the judge would have been like,

"Honestly Mrs Joshi I can't tell what you've done wrong. You're free to go!

Your child was after all, one of the great assholes of all-time."

But you learn from your pets, right? Like for example

my pets are passive aggressive monsters.

But it's cool

because I look at the...

I look at my cat's passive aggressiveness

and I realize and I see it reflected in me.

Because I am an extremely passive aggressive person.

Like I realize, now that I am in my 30s, it is one of those

qualities I am trying to change about myself.

You recognize the bad things in you and you try to change them.

But I am crazy passive aggressive, is there anybody else here like that?

[Audience] Woo!

Yeah?...oh good it's a safe space. Uhh!!

This is...I am mad passive aggressive, right?

because I cannot do direct confrontation.

I shit myself

I admit this freely, I can't do it.

I am extremely non-confrontational. Right?

To the point where I've had a mobile phone for 15 years now.

And even today if somebody calls for a credit card I have to talk till the end.

Like some people are fucking straight up confrontational about it. Right?

Like the phone will ring and they will be like,

"Yeah hello! Hey, shove your credit card up your ass."

Confidence! I can't do that, you call me for a credit card

and I am like "Yeah hello..hello..yeah? Yeah hi Roopa hi..hi..no

No I can talk..I can talk, no problem. No Roopa I don't want

another credit card because I already have two and I think

a third one will not be wise because, no I don't think debt

is a good personal finance strategy honestly... that...

No, see, Roopa I am not mad at you, it's the system.

No see, remember we talked about this the last time you called.

Right..Hmm..hmm..hmm..no you hang up."

This is basically me.

I wish I had that confidence, I don't. I am extremely passive aggressive, right?

Like I am that degree of passive aggressive where I can't,

I have never thrown a punch in my life, but I am great at fighting over text.

Right? For two reasons, one no direct eye contact.

Two,

I am a writer

so now you're on my turf. Cannot throw a punch but I can

devastate you with a full stop where there should have been an exclamation!

It's true

I have reached that level of mastery of text fighting

where I've become an expert at the typing-stop game.

You guys, know what I am talking about? You're fighting with somebody over text

and you're writing this wall of text

and suddenly from the other person you see typing, so you stop

First you send sister fucker,

send, send, all your points!

I'm trying to be better than that, trying.

Not working,

but I'm trying.

Another thing I have noticed that has changed for me

ever since I got into my 30s and I don't know other people

in their 30s whether that has happened to you or not,

but it has definitely happened to me.

As I have gotten a little older, one thing that changed about me is this.

I no longer feel like giving my opinions on things to people.

[Audience] Woo!

And I know that's a weird thing to say half an hour into me

giving you my opinion on things.

But you know what I mean,

there are certain things now, I am just like leave...

Like I can't do it, I can't give.

Like there was a time when I was young

where I would give you my opinion on anything.

Whether you asked for it or not,

whether it was educated or not.

Whatever it is please take my opinion.

Like whatever...Ooh, two women talking about feminism, "Excuse me,

myself male, I have points.

Please listen."

But not so much anymore.

And one of the key reasons I no longer feel like

giving people my opinion on things

is because I've kind of realized that I have a ton of privilege.

So I have not seen much in life.

So how can I give an opinion? With what face?

Like I have a lot of privilege in my life. I think in general

this comes up a lot, right these days? Privilege is a word you hear

in a lot of conversations.

Where people say shit like 'understand your privilege'.

know your privilege', 'check your privilege'. So I was like okay

Let's check.

Turns out, I have lots.

Like not just in a nebulous way but

I can break down for you how much privilege I have.

The obscene degree of it

I will break it down for you, alright?

I am a south Bombay born, wealthy, English educated, but SSC.

Fair skinned,

cisgender,

heterosexual,

Hindu,

Brahmin,

MAN!

That is not an ordinary amount of privilege. That is a skip reverse

draw two, draw two, draw four, draw four, Uno, colour change to red,

I win!!

Nobody should get to have

that many good adjectives in front of their name.

It skews the fuck out of the conversation because the problem is

every one of those adjectives like Hindu, Brahmin, wealthy, fair skinned, cisgender,

hetero sexual, it's one more floor in an ivory tower

and I live so close to the top right now,

like seriously, all I have to do is go vegan

and they will give me the penthouse.

But I live so close to the top right now that, from where I live

I can't see whatever is happening down below.

So with what face do I give an opinion?

Like seriously, how do I even tell you this? I haven't seen shit,

like I have not struggled at all ..in my life.

And lot of privileged people get upset

when you say that, "Are you saying we didn't work hard?"

No, no, no hard work and struggle are very different. I've worked very hard

but I have not struggled because that is the difference between

privileged and not privileged people.

You can work as hard as you want but the chances of

your hard work paying off are significantly higher.

I have had the luxury,

like I have had the luxury of every failure

It takes no courage to be me...

ZERO alright?

Like if they wrote a rap song about my life,

it would be extremely short.

Catchy, but short.

In fact I wrote one for you guys.

[Audience] Whoa!

You want to hear it?

[Audience] Whoa!

Alright.

Let's fucking do this alright, here is the rap song about my life.

Started from the here.

Now here only!

That's it.

That's the song.

Thank you for listening to my rap song.

But it's true.

Fuck, I have experienced sweet fuck all discrimination in my life

and I have experienced no discrimination in this country

and if I want to be discriminated against, I have to go abroad.

And even there I have so much privilege that

nine times out of ten the racism I get is, "Hey, your English is really good."

How am I supposed to get mad at that.

Am I supposed to say, "Hey!

Thank you!

Wren and Martin"

What should I say?

True story, even abroad I've experienced actual racism

a grand total of one time in my entire life. I'll tell you the story.

I was in the UK in a city called Brighton.

I was walking down the street

eating my ice cream

when I suddenly noticed these two little white girls following me.

When I say little I mean like they couldn't have been

more than ten years old, alright?

I try not to think anything of it, keep walking down the street.

Looked back couple of minutes later, and they are still following me.

And now I'm like, this is little weird. Because as an adult man,

this is not something you have ever been warned or prepared for.

This is the opposite

of everything you have been warned about.

I'm trying not to think about it until at some point I finished my ice cream

and I stopped to throw the cup into the bin.

Because I don't litter, abroad.

And...

And as I do that one of the girls breaks away from her friend and she runs up to me

and she says, "Are you a terrorist?"

[Audience] Oh!

Yeah! I was fucking shattered,

I didn't know how to react, this has never happened to me before in my life.

All these thoughts just flood my head before I say,

"Fuck, what a stupid child! Do they have SSC here too? Do they?"

Second thought immediately, just this feeling of shame and hurt and anger.

Just feeling like the smallest person on the planet, for something that

I didn't even do, alright?

Third thought, oh fuck that's what that feels like.

Fourth thought, how?

How can this little girl, somebody this young

have already experienced so much casual hate in her life

that she can walk up to a fucking stranger and ask that question.

And you know what? In that moment I wanted to run

the fuck away from there.

I really wanted to run away but I also realized

this is a teachable moment, this is a moment for dialogue.

I want to leave but I need to engage with this little girl.

And so as much as I wanted to leave, I stood there, I swallowed my pride,

and took a deep breath, I looked her in the eye and said,

"YES!

I am you little shit,

and I am going to destroy everybody you love."

And then I ran away.

Because that was the day I realized that you know what?

Fuck you, it doesn't matter

if the person is eight or eighteen, if you are the victim in a situation,

it is not your job to educate the person fucking you over.

So fuck you little girl. I don't care.

Honestly!

I'm glad you agree because the more I think about it

I more I feel like at some different points in my life,

I have been that little girl

to a lot of different people.

Whether I realized it or not, and I feel like

maybe we all have, in some way or the other, maybe it was a joke,

maybe it was a fight, maybe it was something you said in a moment of anger,

maybe it was something you didn't even realize you were saying.

But I feel like we have all been that little girl.

I don't want to be that little girl anymore.

I'm not indicting you, saying you are terrible people, I am saying,

we all have it in us to be insensitive and horrible,

Even the Dalai Lama.

This is the Dalai Lama, they asked him,

"Would you be okay with a female Dalai Lama?"

And true story, he said,

"I am fine with it, but she should be hot."

Yeah, I wish I was making that up. Google it. He said,

"Yeah sure, but she should be attractive." I'm like fuck,

this is the Dalai Lama, like the head of all the Lamas on earth,

and he's saying this?

Like my dream in my life now is to meet the Dalai Lama one day and be like,

"Dalai Lama. More like Dalai oh oh mama. Yeah!!! Huh..Huh..Huh!! "

But part of the reason I don't want to give my uneducated opinions

to people anymore is because I just don't want to be

that little girl anymore. And so the other day, right?

Like I was giving this really important TV interview,

to myself, on my couch

and the interviewer asked me,

"But what do you do if somebody still wants your opinion?"

And I said, you know what?

First of all young man, that is a very sharp question, uh.

Second of all, you don't look 36, uh.

Third of all, most important thing is this, one of the great things about

finally being a stable adult with a little self confidence

is that you can opt out of the opinion economy

by learning the three most important words in the world.

Words that for some reason everybody seems to have forgotten.

And those three words are,

I don't know.

I don't know.

Three spectacularly liberating words.

For places where your opinion doesn't count.

"What do you think about gender discrimination, Rohan?"

"I don't know,

I am an Indian man. I am the last person you ask about that.

The only gender discrimination I have experienced my entire life

is 'no stag entry'."

"What do you think about caste discrimination, Rohan?"

"I don't know.

Really you want advice on caste from a guy named Rohan Joshi!?

Are you fucking kidding me?

I'm the least qualified person to talk about that.

The first time I experienced caste discrimination was, true story,

I was 18 years old, I ran a red light, a cop stopped me

took my license and said, "Oh Ho! You are a Joshi? I too am a Joshi"

"You are educated, you may go."

[Audience] Oh!

Yeah! I came home and told my dad,

"Did you know our last name was basically a bribe?"

And he was like, "Yeah, fucking wild, I know right?!"

And you're right, that's hilarious until you stop to consider

that if I'm getting all these amazing privileges because of the adjectives

in front of my name, it stands to reason there is a bunch of people

at the opposite end of the spectrum who are living the opposite life of that.

Who are getting fucked over at every single turn because of the adjectives

in front of their names.

I mean if you think about that,

it's a lot less funny and I know it's a lot less funny

because I'm seeing that on your faces right now.

I am seeing the lack of funny on your face.

I can already see the reviews for the show tomorrow.

It's great.

"So what you thought of the show?"

"First two, three jokes were good.

Then one couple broke up.

Then he just sort of had this weird existential crisis on stage

and took us all along for the ride,

Honestly, it was a little fucking random."

But that is why I have decided that now, no longer giving opinion on anything.

Unless I have my own personal struggle and lived experience

to contribute to that opinion.

Otherwise mouth shut, I don't know.

That's it. That's it.

Don't know, don't say.

What you think about article 370 in Kashmir?

I don't know.

What do you think about the reservation debate?

I don't know.

What do you know about legalizing weed?

I don't...

Yes.

Yes.

Yes, that is a thing we should do.

You all are shameless people.

You should see the relief on your faces right now.

Terribly shameless people, you should have seen your faces on the last one.

"Yo what's all this caste shit he's talking about...

Weed!

Weed!

Oh!"

Oof!!!

He said weed... thank fuck!

Heart relates.

Was starting to think name was scam."

But I...

Fuckers!

But I genuinely think that we need to legalize weed.

I think should legalize weed. I think this is the..[Audience cheers]

Thank you, thank you, I think this the platform on which

I am going to run for prime minister in 2024.

[Audience] Woo!

This time, chill the fuck out man!

It's got a vibe no?

Yeah, I like it.

I am just saying, it is 2019, there are a bunch of countries

that have already legalized it.

We have a bunch of data that we can look at

and study to make more educated and informed decisions,

as opposed to this place, fucking where the debate is stuck, right?

This bullshit Bollywood morality of 'drugs are evil!'.

I blame Bollywood for this, entirely,

for all these stereotypes, fucking too many shitty movies.

First of all Bollywood thinks whatever substance, there is only one way

of delivering it, injection.

Anything? injection!

Oh cocaine? Injection

Oh Marijuana? Injection

Oh mother has made radish parathas.

I think we need to legalize and again.

I'm seeing some of the faces in the audience and

you don't seem onboard with this argument, that's fine, that's fair.

I, too, was like you once,

it took me a while to come to marijuana.

I came to marijuana the same way most people come to masturbation.

an entire lifetime of "Yuck, I will never do this vulgar thing ever!"

Five minutes after I tried it...

Just to be clear this is me smoking a joint, not me masturbating.

This is not how I masturbate.

Anymore.

But I think we should and again

when I say legalize I don't just mean unfettered access.

I think we need to have strict protocols, the same way we do with

cigarettes and alcohol, right?

I feel like this is important shit.

Okay fine, same way we try to with cigarettes and alcohol.

But I believe that and it is important, like for example

I firmly believe that if we do legalize it we've got to work really hard

to keep it out of the hands of kids and young people.

Now for the young people in the audience, I can see the look of

betrayal on your faces. Like you fucking sold us out

I told you at the start,

I'm deciding how much of the cool uncle I am.

This is where we part ways.

I do not believe children should have access to marijuana

for multiple reasons.

One there are legit studies and data that show

that if you consume substances when your brain is still developing,

you can have long term cognitive scars, long term emotional scars.

Why the fuck would you put yourselves through that?

Second reason I do not think kids should have access to marijuana is this.

If you are 15 years old, what have you seen in life yet?

What the fuck are you going to think about when you're high?

No, tell me, like what, "Bro A plus B the whole squared..."

Fucker!

And the third and most important reason, I believe that

kids should not have access to substances is this.

Adults here who have done substances back me up if what I say next is true,

according to you.

The best substances I have ever taken in life have one thing in common.

When you consume them, they free you up enough to lose your inhibitions,

in a way where you are comfortable acting stupid and free

in front of the people you love.

And this is why kids should not have access to substances because

kids, you're stupid for free.

And I don't even mean that as an insult.

Stupidity is the greatest super power on earth, never leave...

never, never lose it.

Because kids have it for free.

I will give you my own example. When I was 12 years old,

I sat next to Australian bowler Shane Warne for 90 minutes

without realizing it was Shane Warne.

To the point where true story.

90 minutes later Shane Warne went, fuck it,

"Kid, what is your name?"

And I said, "My name is Rohan, yours?"

My larger point is, do you know how much weed I would have to smoke today

to reach that degree of 'And who are you?'

Another thing when it comes to the legalization of pot

from what I can tell is right, most arguments against pot

are no longer against the substance itself.

Most of the arguments from what I can tell are arguments

about illegal trafficking of pot,

which is fair, right? If you come and tell me

that illegal trafficking of substances is bad

because every single time you buy from an illegal dealer, you are either

funding drug gangs, or street gangs, or terror gangs. I agree.

Legalize it, I'll fund statues.

Now here is the economic policy

as a result of which I am going to win this election.

Hear me out.

If we legalize the right substances

we don't actually have to build the statue.

Hear me out, hear me out, alright?

You advertise the statue,

you put sign boards pointing to where the statue is.

You sell tickets to the statue.

Except when the tourist buys the ticket and says, "Where is the statue?"

You say, "Put the ticket on your tongue."

Then you take the tourist by the hand

you put him down on the sea shore

and you say,

"Look, there is the statue!"

Can you imagine people are seeing whatever the fuck they want

to see in the ocean?

There Eva is crying,

"Oh fuck, they made a Ninja Turtle statue!"

Wooo!

We need to legalize pot because if we do that most of our problems

involving alcohol will go away, I assure you this.

The first time I tried pot, I broke up with alcohol immediately.

Like it's true man, give me pot over drinking any day.

Have you once in your life seen two stoners in a bar fight?

There is no chance.

"Have you gone mad?"

"Hey, you wanna take this outside?"

"Outside?

Let it be bro, sorry".

That's how we solve.

What happens when you drink?

You get all fucking morbid.

Right? People who get drunk beyond a point

fucking become Pankaj Udhas in life, right?

This happens, like fucking four people after six drinks are like,

"Hey why am I like this"?

"Why did she leave me"?

Because you're like this, fucker.

When you get drunk you feel bad and sloppy for yourself.

When I get high, I feel bad for other people. It's so much better.

True story. The other day I got high and I spent the whole night

feeling bad for you know who?

That one Indian woman who can't get a cab

on the side of the road at two in the morning,

because by pure coincidence she's wearing a white sari.

Like I'm just sitting there and thinking, oh fuck.

Oh man?

Her Ubers must be pulling up and then the driver sees her, screams "Ghost!"

and flees

punching the accelerator.

I feel like if you have grown up in India,

at some point you have heard some version

of this fucking story, right?

In whatever city there is like,

"Bro!, If you go past this bridge at two in the morning, no?

There is a chick there bro in a white sari

or a red sari, or a wedding sari or a chiffon sari.

And bro, if you stop the car for her, no?"

And I am like really?

That is one ghost story that does not hold up to scrutiny at all.

Like the facts make no sense of that ghost story.

Like I, first of all,

I live in Bombay, really? There was one woman under the bridge?

Really?

This is Bombay, we don't have one anything.

Everything here is in bulk. Also if it is two o' clock in the morning,

in Bombay that's basically 7 P.M.

Even if you are a ghost, ma'am,

how are you going to frighten me?

There are four couples sitting here, there are four policemen there.

Here are two cigarette vendors, here are five bhel sellers. Come on! Scare me!

Scare me!

Even if she is a ghost, even if she is an actual legit 100% ghost

under those circumstances the only way she could scare me is

if she snapped her fingers and suddenly a question paper appeared

Autobiography of a tree for 100 marks.'

Aaaa!!!

Guys, my name is Rohan Joshi, this is 'Wake n Bake'.

Thank you so much!

Thank you.

Thank you for coming to the show.