All language subtitles for Rick.Mercer.Stand.Up.For.Canada.2025.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.BZ]

CHRÉTIEN: Mesdames et messieurs,
bon soir .

Downloaded from
YTS.BZ

This is Jean Chrétien,

the former Prime Minister
of Canada.

Three back-to-back majorities.
But I digress.

Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.BZ

Please welcome the little guy
from Middle Cove,

Rick Mercer.

[applause]

["Raise a Little Hell"
by Trooper playing]

[audience clapping along]

¶ Raise a little hell,
raise a little hell ¶

¶ Raise a little hell ¶

¶

[audience cheering]

-Wow!

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much
for that kind introduction.

That means so much.

I know what you're thinking,
"My God, what happened to him?"

[laughter]

Watching the news
did this to me!

[laughter]

My God, what a time to be alive.

I used to spend so much time
watching the news.

Now I spend all my time
hiding from the news.

What's the word?

What is the word--
there's a word--

what is the word
for that feeling you get

when you're lying
on the couch at home,

and you're watching the news,
and you start to think

that the entire world
has gone completely insane

except for you?

What is that word?

I remember now, yes!
That word is "Canadian."

[applause]

Now, before we go any further,
how about a round of applause

for our celebrity announcer
tonight, Mr. Jean Chrétien?

[applause and cheering]

Wasn't that crazy?

And, not only did he agree
to be our announcer

for this entire tour,
he's also in charge of security!

[laughter]

It's so great to be
back out on the road,

travelling with
incredibly funny comedians.

And, of course,
I was so fortunate for 16 years;

I had a TV show on this network

that allowed me to travel
the country every single week,

talking to Canadians,

visiting one part
of the country,

introducing it
to another part of the country,

and I tell you, I loved
every single minute of it.

And do you know why?

I'm a people person.

And I know a lot of you
are sitting there going,

"I know, Rick,
I'm a people person, too."

Not like me.
No.

It's like there's something
wrong with my head.

Seriously,
I will talk to a stump.

I'm the kind of--
I'm so much of a people person,

I'm the kind of person,
I get on a plane,

if the seat next to me is empty,
I'm sitting there going,

"Oh...

"I hope someone
gets on this plane

"and I hope they
sit in that seat!"

[laughter]

And I hope they're chatty!

'Cause I've got questions!

[laughter]

That's 'cause
I'm a Newfoundlander, see?

-[applause and cheering]
-Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah...!

And we have the reputation
being so friendly and nice.

My gosh, they made
a big Broadway musical

about how nice we are!

[laughter]

I'll let you in on a secret.
We're not nice.

We're nosy.

[laughter]

Oh, we'll invite ya in,
we'll give ya a cup of tea,

but as soon as we find out
who you are, where you're going,

what you're doing,
who you're doing,

it's right back out the door
the way you came in!

[laughter]

You don't wanna sit
next to me on a plane.

It's not a chat.
It's an interrogation.

[laughter]

And eventually,
I will ask you,

"What does it mean
to be Canadian?"

Because that is a question that
has beguiled us since day one.

You take four or five Canadians,
you put 'em in a room,

you ask 'em, "What does it mean
to be a Canadian?"

Give 'em five minutes,
they'll start talking about

how we are different
than the Americans.

Which is a terrible way
to define yourself!

You shouldn't define yourself
by what you're not,

you should define yourself
by what you are .

In the '80s,
we had a royal commission

that travelled this country
asking the question,

"What does it mean
to be a Canadian?"

Asked the question
all over Canada,

spent millions of dollars,
produced 14 phonebooks' worth

of data--
never answered the question.

[laughter]

So when I got my little TV show,
I said to myself,

"You know what,
I'm gonna answer that question.

"That's my hidden agenda."

Which is ironic,
because in those days,

I used to tell everyone
it was Stephen Harper

that had the hidden agenda.

[laughter]

But no, it was me all along!

And more people are asking those
questions now than ever before.

Patriotism is on bust.

It's fascinating to watch.

This last February,
when Flag Day rolled around...

you know, Flag Day,
that's the national holiday

that our celebrity announcer
just invented one morning

out of the blue.

I never celebrated
Flag Day before.

I was agnostic.

I never felt the need to hang
a flag on the side of my house.

This Flag Day, I did.

-[audience member whoops]
-Yes!

[applause and cheering]

And I tell you what,
I wasn't the only one.

I had to go to four
Canadian Tire stores

to find a Canadian flag.

[laughter]

And at the third store,
they said,

"We can take your name
in case one becomes available."

Like I was looking for
Taylor Swift tickets!

[laughter]

This is the world
we are living in now.

These are the times
we're living in.

It's fascinating.
Patriotism is on bust.

I hope we...

I hope we seize the moment.

I hope we seize the moment
to make some positive changes

that's good for the country.

I tell you one little thing
that I would love to see happen,

and this is just
a pet project of mine,

I would love to see
Canadian history

taught in the schools again.

-[applause and cheering]
-Yeah!

Because...

because we don't really do it
anymore, not like we used to.

We have an education system
that's designed to ensure

everything young people
know about Canada

they learn from watching
those Heritage Minutes.

[laughter]

The Heritage Minutes
should have a Heritage Minute!

But if we teach
the history in the schools,

it's gotta be done right.

'Cause the kids, see,
they have this notion

that history is boring.

We have to disabuse them
of that fact.

We gotta get 'em
when they're young,

when they're small,
when they're like...

this tall, whatever that is.

Grade 2, grade 3.

You gotta sit 'em down, look 'em
right in the eye and say,

"Okay, kid, you think
Canadian history's boring?

"Canadian history's not boring!

"Canadian history
is about blood and guts

"and explosions and adventures.

"It's about rogues and pirates
and drunken sodomites."

And that's just
Parliament Hill in the 1970s!

[applause]

Canadian history is about
fighting long and hard

on the right side
of two world wars.

It's about leading the world
in opposing Apartheid.

It's about inventing insulin,
the zipper,

and the Robinson screwdriver.

It's about the fact that,
in 1969, in Alberta,

a bartender invented the only
known cure for the hangover,

the Bloody Caesar.

[applause and cheering]

Yes!

And I say, now that we finally
got Terry Fox on the $5 bill,

let's get the bartender
on the toonie.

[laughter and applause]

Yes.

I'm so glad we finally got
Terry Fox on our currency!

Because...

[applause]

Yeah.

Because he is
the greatest Canadian!

He's also the last Canadian
we all agree on.

[laughter]

Recently in my hometown,
St. John's, Newfoundland,

the city council down there
passed a motion:

they are no longer going to
name anything after anyone,

living or dead.

[laughter]

And when they were asked why,
they said,

"Well, because
people are human."

[laughter]

So, in a bold display
of political courage,

they're sidestepping humanity.

I get where they're coming from.

Naming things is tricky.

Every time you turn around
in this country,

someone is demanding
that someone's name

come off a building
or a park or a street.

And usually that person
is Sir John A. Macdonald.

And his name is on a lotta shit.

Oh, they did an audit; his name
is on like 100,000 things.

Meanwhile, there's
one little street in Orillia

named after Gordon Lightfoot.

[laughter]

But you know what,
it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter
if those people win.

It doesn't matter if those names
are taken off a building

or a park or any of that.

It doesn't matter,
because history is history.

Facts are facts,

and nothing, nothing
will ever change the fact

that Sir John A. Macdonald
was Canada's first

and drunkest prime minister.

[laughter]

[applause]

He was not what you call
a stand-up drunk.

He was a fall-down drunk.

That's how they knew
question period was over.

[laughter]

He'd be answering a question
and just go over the railing.

So, never mind taking
his name off a building.

Actually, pulling down
one of the statues

and seeing it fall
face-first in the grass,

that's somewhat
historically accurate.

[laughter]

He was once asked,

"What's the most he ever spent
on a bottle of whisky?"

He said, "45 minutes."

[laughter and applause]

And now, I wasn't lying when
I said this is a dream of mine

to travel across the country
with really funny comedians,

and we're gonna meet
one of them now.

He's a very funny young man,

originally from
Hamilton, Ontario.

You can watch his special
on YouTube called

"Live at the Blue Grotto."

Please welcome the one and only
Mayce Galoni.

[applause and cheering]

¶

-Hello!

Aw, man!

Thank you!

My name's Mayce, hello.

Uh, like Rick said,
I am from Hamilton, Ontario.

Uh, all right, yeah,
that's about the reaction

that that should get.

That was pretty decisive, wow.

[laughter]

I actually grew up
in a rural area

outside of Hamilton
called Binbrook,

and we had a lot of pets
growing up.

And this is true,
for a few years

we actually had a pet
Canadian goose,

which-- that's actually
a great pet to have,

especially if you're someone
who's ever thought to yourself,

"You know,
I'd love to get a pitbull,

"I'm just worried
it won't be aggressive enough."

[laughter]

If I could just get something
that's more dangerous,

but could attack from any angle.

Like a rattlesnake with wings,

that's what I'm looking for...
in a pet.

Then Canadian goose
might be the pet for you.

[laughter]

They're such confident animals.

They're so confident, they walk
around like they own the place.

I think they think they do
because they see themselves

on the money,
that's the problem.

They see themselves beside
the Queen, and they're like,

"Well, I guess I'm a part
of the royal family.

"I'm a prince, basically."

When you see them flying south,

they're heading
to Epstein's island.

[laughter]

[people hollering]

Oh...

Is that where we cross the line,
St. John?

Are we...?

[laughter]

You're like, "Don't talk smack
about our national bird!"

[laughter]

I know that joke
wasn't for everybody,

but next time you see it flying,
we all will think of it,

and we'll remember being here,
together, right now.

But, you know,
we didn't try to get a goose.

We didn't plan on getting one,
we just, we rescued it

when it was a baby
from a construction site,

and then pretty quickly,
it just imprinted on us.

Do you guys know what that is,
imprinting?

That's where it shits
all over your couch, you know?

[laughter]

Oh, good, you guys know
imprinting, that's good.

And she was a great goose.

She was, you know--
she was an indoor-outdoor goose.

She would follow us around,
and I remember we had her

when I was just starting
high school,

first day of grade 9,
I was in the driveway,

waiting for the bus,
and she waited right beside me.

Don't say, "Aw." I don't know
if you know anything

about teenagers, uh...

[laughter]

They're not exactly
the most supportive

of when you have a unique
point of difference.

She was honking at the bus
as it drove up; I was like,

"Get outta here!"
What do you do in that scenario?

Like, the first day,
you can kinda play that off,

get on the bus, be like, "That
was weird, right, everybody?

"Someone left their goose out.
That's crazy." But...

Day two, she's still there,

well, now I'm just Goose Boy
for the rest of high school.

[laughter]

People kept leaving
breadcrumbs around my locker.

[laughter]

She's not with us anymore,
unfortunately.

She's in the Canada Goose jacket
in the sky.

[laughter]

Oh, that one too, okay,
yeah, I should have known

after the Epstein one, but...

[laughter]

It's been so fun
being on tour this month

across the country
with these comics,

especially because before that,

I was doing some shows
in America.

And that's always interesting,
doing shows down there,

meeting Americans, finding out
what they know about Canadians.

Like, I did a show and a woman
came up to me after,

and she goes,
"Oh, I love Canada.

"I was actually
just there visiting."

I was like,
"Oh, cool, what part?"

She goes, "Just downtown."

[laughter]

Downtown,
she thinks we have one downtown.

And I got full of pride
as a Canadian;

I was like,
"No, we have four downtowns."

[laughter]

Downtown, she thinks
we're a city, she does.

Even Trump thinks
we could be a state.

That's crazy, you know?

I didn't correct her,
by the way.

You know,
I didn't want to wade into that.

I just let her believe it.

I was just like, "Oh yeah,
downtown, that's good.

"That's the best part.
Good you went there.

"You don't wanna go uptown.
A lot of polar bears uptown."

[laughter]

Whenever I'm down there doing
shows, Americans always ask me,

once they find out I'm Canadian,

they ask me if I played hockey
growing up.

And I did, I did;
I played hockey for six years,

and I don't wanna brag,
but according to my trophies,

I was a very good participant.

[laughter]

I said it right there
on 'em, you know?

I got a lot of those trophies,
I did.

I got six of them; I went
six for six, to be honest.

I don't know
why they hand those out.

They're not fooling anybody,
the participation trophies.

In fact, it's more insulting,

'cause they're
basically saying,

"Hey, you're bad at sports,
and we think you're dumb.

"So, here you go."

[laughter]

But I played Timbits hockey
until I was 12 years old, and--

-[laughter]
-Yeah, no...

It's supposed to be under seven,
but I got held back, uh...

[laughter]

I knew that I wasn't good.

I knew that I was bad at hockey,

because when you get
your pictures taken in hockey

as a kid, they always print
them up on little hockey cards

as like a little cute souvenir,

and my family would always
try to trade them

for better players, so...

[laughter]

I heard 'em in the parking lot,
like, "Come on,

"I'll give you five Galonis
for one Tyler, please."

[laughter]

But I got out of hockey
before hockey fighting starts.

Which is objectively
a crazy part of the game, right?

We just accept it in Canada,
but it is weird that that's--

'cause that's not a part of
the game; it's not in the rules.

If you're teaching someone
hockey, you're never like,

"All right, so what you gotta do
is try to put that puck

"in that net,
and then if you feel like it,

"you just punch that guy
in the face."

That's crazy,
and that's the only--

for a lot of people,
this is their job.

They play hockey professionally,
that's their job.

That's the only job you can have
where you just punch someone

in the middle of your shift.

You never show up at Sobeys,

and there's some
jacked-up big Russian cashier,

no idea how to use
the equipment, no finesse,

he's just manhandling
your tomatoes.

And you're like,
"Hey, how'd that guy get hired?"

And they're like,
"Oh, Vlad?

"Every once in a while, we just
send him across the street

"to beat the shit out of
the guys at No Frills."

[laughter]

Thanks a lot, everybody!

That's all for me.
Have a good night!

[applause and cheering]

In 1969, Pierre Elliott Trudeau
gave a very famous speech

in Washington, DC,
in which he said

Canada, living next
to the United States,

was like a mouse
sleeping with an elephant.

And he was bang-on
with that analogy.

But what's interesting
is Canadians

weren't offended by the analogy.

Nobody got upset by it.

We agreed with it, and we didn't
mind being the mouse.

And why didn't we mind
being the mouse?

Because we liked the elephant,
and the elephant liked us.

It was a happy elephant,
it was a smiling elephant,

with big floppy ears like Dumbo!

It even had the word
"dumb" in the name.

It was perfect!

And we loved Dumbo,
and Dumbo did a lot for us.

Dumbo protected us.

Nobody fucks with the mouse
when Dumbo's in the house.

[laughter]

It was like me in grade 3
gettin' on the school bus,

cocky as Larry.

My brother was there,
so no one ever looked at me,

no one touched me,
'cause I had protection!

But the kids
that didn't have that,

their lunch
was everyone's lunch.

That's the power of Dumbo.

And then something terrible
happened to Dumbo,

and now it's like,

"Okay, who gave crystal meth
to the elephant?"

[laughter]

[applause]

Oh...

[applause and cheering]

Relationships between
countries go up and down.

But, for me, the thing
that changed everything,

the straw that broke
the camel's back,

the third rail...

was when he started saying
we have to become

the 51st state.

[audience booing]

I know.
I know.

And, at first, you know,
they came out and they said,

"Oh, he's joking."

And then we thought,
"Yes, of course, he's joking."

'Cause we couldn't
imagine a world in which

the president of the
United States would be saying

that Canada had to become
the 51st state.

But then he came out and said,
"I'm not joking.

"You have to become
the 51st state."

The only good that
has come from him saying

that we have to become
the 51st state...

is now Americans know
how many states they have.

[laughter and applause]

Yeah.

[applause continues]

He's the education president!

[laughter]

But clearly, this erratic
behaviour south of the border,

I mean, it has had
a profound impact on Canadians.

I mean, so much so,
we did something recently

that I didn't think we would do.

In fact, we did
something recently that I...

wasn't even sure
we'd do again in my lifetime.

We...

elected the Liberals.

[laughter]

How did we do that again?

We re-elected the Liberals?

I mean, it wasn't that long ago,
Canada, there was only

one thing uniting this country.

We were gonna throw out
the Liberals.

No, we weren't gonna
throw out the Liberals.

We were gonna hurt the Liberals.

We were gonna
punish the Liberals.

It was gonna be a bloodbath.

And then an election got called,
the shit hit the fan,

Dumbo went berserk,
and we elected the banker.

[applause and cheering]

Wow!

[applause continues]

Mark Carney, the banker!

[audience members cheering]

Do you know what's interesting
about the occupation of banker?

Nothing!

[laughter]

Nothing!

[laughter]

But do you know
who I feel the worst for?

And to be clear,
when I say the worst...

I mean in the entire world.

Pierre Poilievre.

[laughter]

I mean, whew!

I...

I don't know how he gets
out of bed in the morning.

I mean, my God, this guy...

This guy...

This guy had a 30-point lead

over the Liberals for two years.

A lead like that, for that long,
that is unheard of

in the history of polling
in the industrialized world.

My God, no one ever has
a lead like that for that long!

There's an expression
or a saying in politics,

where when someone
has a lead that's so far out

that it is inconceivable
that they can lose,

and the expression is,

"The only way
that guy can lose the election

"is if he's found in bed
with a dead woman

"or a live boy."

[laughter]

Well, now there's
a new expression.

The only way he can lose
the election

is if he pulls
a Pierre Poilievre

and tells everyone
Canada's broken.

[someone whistles]

Canada's broken, oh my God.

The whole thing
was just so embarrassing.

He wanted to win so bad.

It wasn't that he wanted
to win so bad.

He knew he was gonna win.

He knew he was gonna win,
so during the entire campaign,

he took all his players
off the ice.

None of the Conservatives were
allowed to talk to the press

except for him, and he wasn't
paying attention to anything

that was going on,
and then every now and then

he'd say something
about Trudeau,

and Trudeau was long gone,

he was like skiing in the Alps
and growing his hair long...

[laughter]

And then, in the middle
of the election,

he gave himself a makeover
so he'd look cool,

took off the glasses
and threw 'em away.

Ended up looking like some guy
who nailed himself in the face

with bug spray.

[laughter]

[applause and cheering]

Now he's got that, like,
discount laser version

vision vibe about him.

Oh, it was rough.
And then...

and then on Election Night,

okay, so the Conservatives
didn't form the government,

and I felt terrible for them,

my Tory friends
or anyone who voted for them,

because they were so close.
I mean, they came so close.

That was a tough blow.

And then Pierre,
he didn't become prime minister,

and he thought he was gonna
become prime minister, but...

[sighs]
Not only that...

[laughter]

He lost his seat.

[laughter]

[applause and cheering]

No...

No, no...

No, no.
Listen...

That's a blow.
That's a real blow

because that means
he lost his job,

because he was leader
of the opposition,

and in order to be leader
of the opposition,

he had to have a seat,
and he didn't have a seat,

so he was no longer leader
of the opposition. And then...

he wouldn't leave the house!

[laughter]

'Cause the leader of
the opposition gets a house

that we pay for,
and he wouldn't leave the house!

He became a squatter.

[laughter]

Except a squatter
with like a nanny and a chef

that we pay for.

I don't know.
He keeps saying Canada's broken.

Seems to be working for him.

[laughter]

But now he's back.

He's back.

He's back.
He's on the Hill right now.

Further to the whole
"Canada's broken" thing,

we had to have
a whole by-election

just so he could
get his job back.

Only cost us $2 million.

Now he's good to go,
and he's back.

And I'll say this about him...

When he got knocked down,
he got up,

and he dusted himself off,

and he ran for re-election

in the safest Conservative seat
in all of Canada.

[laughter]

And that, my friends,
is what I call courage.

[laughter]

Or at least...

that's what I'm gonna say to him

if I ever sit next to him
on a plane.

[laughter]

[applause and cheering]

So, our next performer
is an international headliner.

She's a Canadian Screen Award
winning writer and producer,

and perhaps you've heard of
her very popular podcast,

"Bothered."

Please welcome
the one and only Julie Kim!

[applause and cheering]

¶

-Ooh!

Hello!

Thank you so much.
Hi, everybody.

My name is Julie Kim.

I just want to share
one fact about me,

and that is that
I am an eldest daughter.

Yes.

Beware.
Beware.

Eldest daughters are
terrifying people, everybody,

because we never
had a childhood.

[laughter]

It's a very tough gig, you know?

You turn five,
and your parents are like,

"You're a man now."

[laughter]

My parents had me very shortly
after they immigrated to Canada.

I grew up in Toronto, and they
immigrated from South Korea,

and may I tell you,
I am very surprised even today

that there are so many people
that have never heard

of South Korea,
a country in East Asia.

I know, it's okay.

Not everybody is well-travelled
or reads, you know? So...

[laughter]

And that's okay, I don't judge.

To those people, I just say,
basically what I'm saying is,

I am Chinese, okay?

[laughter]

Arigato .

[laughter]

And we weren't that different
from a lot of families

that started off in Canada.

We definitely
had humble beginnings.

We didn't have a lot growing up.

My parents,
they worked very, very hard.

They were small business owners,

and they had
a convenience store.

Oh, some of you are aware
of stereotypes, okay?

[laughter]

[laughter]

I'll give you a minute, okay?

[laughter]

No, it's very hard work.
It's very hard work.

They were working with
their hands on the ground.

They did everything.

Sometimes they worked
18-hour days.

And it was dangerous, too.

They would often get robbed.

Sometimes they would
get robbed at knife-point

with threats of serious harm.

And other times I would
just snatch the money

and run, you know?

[laughter]

But we're moving past that.

Who wants to live in the past,
you know?

So now we're okay.

Everything's okay.
Everybody is okay.

We're doing fine financially.

But it's very hard to leave
that survival mode

in the beginning,
you know what I mean?

That's why a lot of people
in my family

have poor people habits,
you know?

Yeah, especially my parents,
all right?

They are very, very cheap.

Yeah.
They haggle everywhere they go.

They will haggle anywhere.
They haggle at Costco.

-[laughter]
-I know.

They don't even have
a membership, like... pssht!

[laughter]

And they have so much stuff.

They cannot get rid of anything.

I would dare to say
they are hoarders.

Capital H hoarders.
They have so much stuff.

And they do have a new system,
though.

I'll share it with you.

Okay, if they haven't
used an item in 25 years...

uh, they keep it.

-[laughter]
-Just...

right in the living room, and...

It's very embarrassing
to go out with them also.

Now, my parents
are still in Toronto.

I now live in Vancouver,
British Columbia,

and I go back
to visit them, yeah,

and we will go out to eat
at restaurants.

And not a lot;
they are still frugal,

but when we do go out,

there's one place
that we love to go to.

Now, this is the place that,
when I was growing up,

this was our
special occasion place.

This was the place
where my parents said,

"Okay, it's someone's birthday.
Get dressed up.

"We're gonna
have a fancy dinner."

And we still love that place.
And maybe you do, too.

Tell me if you agree.
We just love...

Swiss Chalet.
Anyone?

-[applause and cheering]
-Right?

It's the best.

It is the best.
I don't know what it is.

I mean, I love the sauce.
I love a rotisserie chicken.

I love to eat in a nursing home.
You know, so...

[laughter]

...many things.

But the embarrassing part
comes when we're done dinner

because my parents
will not leave a restaurant

without bringing
something home, okay?

And last time, last time,
my dad brought home

the smallest amount of food.

It was like 1/8 of an eaten
baked potato, everybody.

It was nothing.

It looked disgusting.
It was like smooshed.

There was like sour cream,
cheese and butter in there,

and he carried it home
in a big paper box.

And it was like,
Dad, what are you doing?

That's not even
like a lot of food.

It's barely worth as much
as the container it's in.

Also, the lady
at the other table eating it

was not finished.
Like...

[laughter]

Thank you so much, everybody!
Goodnight!

[applause and cheering]

[applause and cheering]

RICK: So, um...

earlier I was talking about,
you know,

the famous Canadians that were
on the show that I had.

I don't want to brag...

but we had every
living prime minister.

[applause]

That's the definition
of a polite Canadian response

right there.

[laughter]

Perhaps more impressive,
every member of Rush.

[applause and cheering]

Members of the Tragically Hip.

[applause and cheering]

One member of the Tragically Hip
that was never on the show

was Gord Downie.

And I used to ask Gord Downie
to come on the show a lot

because he lived
in my neighbourhood,

so I'd see him at Sobeys.

[laughter]

And I'd ask him to come on
the show and he'd say,

"Yes, if you're stuck."

And I never pushed him.

But I'll never forget
the first conversation

I ever had with Gord Downie
because I was such a huge fan.

I was a kid.
I was like 21, 22 years old.

It was the early days of
"This Hour Has 22 Minutes,"

and I was at work one night and
the phone rings and I answer it.

Someone asks for me.
I say, "Yes, this is Rick."

And the voice says,
"This is Gord Downie calling."

I mean, I almost shit my pants.
I mean...

[laughter]

That doesn't happen.
Your favourite rock star calls?

I was a huge fan.

I'd never spoken to the man,
but I'd seen The Hip twice.

I was a huge fan.

And I said,
"What can I do for ya?"

And he said,
"Can you do me a favour?"

I said, "Yes, of course.
What do you need?"

And he said,
"Well, I'm here with The Hip.

"We're in Bermuda.

"We're recording some songs
for our new album,

"and I have this song
I've written

"and it has some
Newfoundland place names in it,

"and I'm in the studio
and it dawns on me,

"maybe I'm not saying
the name of this town

"the way a Newfoundlander
would say it.

"'Cause I know you guys
have unique ways

"of pronouncing things
sometimes."

And I said, "Well,
what's the name of the town?"

And he said,
"Isle aux Morts."

I said, "That's exactly right.
Isle aux Morts."

He said, "You sure?"
I said, "100%. Isle aux Morts."

He said, "Thanks, man.
That means a lot."

I said, "No problem."

And he said,
"You live in Halifax, right?"

I'm like, "Yeah, that's
where we do the show."

He said, "Okay,
we'll be touring this album

"in like seven months
or something.

"Give me your email address
and I'll make sure

"you get a couple of tickets."
So I gave him my email address.

And I'm sitting there,

can't believe
I've had this call, and then,

"ding," two minutes later,
I get an email from Gord Downie,

and I'm like,
"Oh my God,

"I've got Gord Downie's
email address!"

[laughter]

"He's gonna regret that!"

[laughter]

And all the email said was
"Thanks very much."

And I answered him back
and I said,

"You know what?
No problem.

"If you ever need to know
how to pronounce

"a town in Newfoundland,
I'm your man.

"But if you want to talk
to the real expert,

"you could always
talk to my father,

"Ken Mercer in Middle Cove."

Hah-hah-hah.

And then I never
thought about it.

Three days later,
I'm talking to my father...

[laughter]

And he says,
"Oh, your friend Gord called."

[laughter]

I didn't even know
what he was talking about.

I said, "What?" He said,
"Yeah, your friend Gord called.

"He wanted to know about,
uh, Isle aux Morts."

And I was like,
"Are you kiddin' me?"

He said, "Yeah, I told him
that I took you and your brother

"down there fishing
when you were small,

"and he was curious
if you got any fish.

"I said,
Yeah, it was a great trip,

"we got a bunch of brook trout,

"but it's good salmon
down there,

"but you were too small
to go after that.

"Then he asked about the salmon
rivers in Newfoundland,

"and I told him I worked
for the Department of Fisheries

"as a young man
on the salmon rivers.

"And then he was very curious
about Labrador.

"He asked-- I think
he wants to go to Labrador."

And I said, "Dad...
do you know who that was?"

He's like, "No."
I said, "That's Gord Downie.

"That's the lead singer
of the Tragically Hip."

"That's like my favourite
rock band.

"They're like the biggest
rock band in Canada.

"And not only that,
he's considered

"the greatest songwriter
of our generation.

"He's like our poet laureate."

And Dad said,

"Oh..."

[laughter]

"He never mentioned that."

[laughter]

"He just said he was Gord
from Kingston."

[laughter]

And I said, "They're in Bermuda
recording a song

"and he wanted to make sure
he was pronouncing

"Isle aux Morts right.

And Dad said, "Oh my God,
he was calling from Bermuda?"

[laughter]

"I feel terrible now.

"That's long distance."

[laughter]

Anyways, six months later,

I walk into my parents' house,

and in the living room,
they got a coffee table there,

and it's got
a piece of glass on it,

and it's always got postcards
shoved underneath the glass

or a picture of the grandkids
or something like that.

Anyway, I walk in
and there's this beautiful print

under the glass.

It's this beautiful
nighttime scene of a lake

and there's a moon and like
there's a loon and these trees,

and it's just stunning.

And it's all these dark blues,
and I look down in the corner--

it's an original print,
it's numbered and signed.

And I'm looking at it,
and it looks familiar,

and then I realize...

I'm looking at the cover
of the new Tragically Hip album

that just came out
like the week previous.

So, I yell out to Dad, who's
in the kitchen baking bread,

and I'm like, "Dad,
you have the original artwork

"of the cover of the new
Tragically Hip album

"under the glass
on the coffee table."

And Dad was like,

"Oh, yeah, your friend Gord
from Kingston sent me that."

[laughter and applause]

So, I never did get to ask Gord
what it means to be a Canadian,

but he was a fine example
of a great one.

[applause and cheering]

RICK: This next artist,
she's one of my favourite

comedians working today.
She won the Juno Award,

the first woman
to win the Juno Award

for Best Comedy Album.

Please welcome Sophie Buddle.

[applause and cheering]

¶

-Thank you.

Wow.

This is so much fun.

It is so great to be
back on the East Coast.

I love it. Yesterday, we took
that long-ass road to PEI.

That's a real Maritimer way
to cross the sea.

[laughter]

"Oh, we'll just take the car."

[laughter]

This has really been
such an incredible tour.

We've been all across Canada.
We were in Montreal.

That's where I was born.

That's where
both my parents are from.

And every time I'm in Montreal,
I like to go see the cathedrals.

I'm not really religious,
but I like the candles.

What you do is you go over
and you blow them out

and you make a wish.

[laughter]

The little water
you put pennies in.

It's just really special.

And my parents, you know,
met in Montreal,

and they always told me
that they met on moving day.

[chuckles]

Couple people know
what I'm talking about already.

So, my dad was a mover,
and so I figured moving day

was a day
that my mom was moving,

but it turns out,
as the gigglers can attest,

Moving Day is a national
mandated holiday in Quebec

where you have to move.

Have you ever heard
of anything so French?

[laughter]

"Oh, what's the holiday today?"

" Allons-y , bitch..."

[laughter]

"Keep it moving."

Yeah, Montreal's crazy.

And we also were in Vancouver.

When I finished high school,
I moved to Vancouver.

I lived in Vancouver
for 10 years,

and everybody loves Vancouver.

"Oh, Vancouver's so pretty,
so beautiful."

I'm here today
to tell you the downsides

of Vancouver, okay?

As soon as I moved there,
I got attacked...

by birds.

[laughter]

They swoop down
and they grab your head

and your hair with their talons.

And when you're a little girl,

you sort of think you're
gonna wake up in the morning

and birds are gonna dress you...

like a Disney princess, but they
just kept trying to scalp me

in front of shoppers.

And it happened to me
over and over again

when I moved there,
and so I was telling my friends

that this was happening,
and my friends all said

the same thing to me;
they were like,

"You know, crows are so smart."

[laughter]

Just like kind of insulting me.
Like...

that doesn't happen
with other animal attacks.

You don't get like mauled
by a dog and then people go,

"You know, dogs hate the ugly."

[laughter]

But no,
I did come up with a solution

to stop the crow attacks.

If you visit Vancouver,
you can do this too.

I just started dressing
like a scarecrow.

[laughter]

And I think maybe a lot of
other people thought of it too,

because it's kind of
the Vancouver uniform.

[laughter]

You know what I mean?

It's a lot of like toques
and flannel and ripped jeans

and a stick up their ass.

[laughter]

[applause]

There's a lot of other problems
in Vancouver too.

You know, there's a lot of
homelessness in Vancouver,

and I think everybody's very
judgemental of homeless people

because we see them
doing crazy stuff on the street.

This time we were in Vancouver,
I was walking down the street,

a homeless man
was walking towards me,

and he was holding
a ceramic mug full of coffee,

question mark, you know?

Full of brown.

And he threw it into the street,
hard, which I liked.

'Cause I also
hate to hold stuff.

Have you ever held something?

It's the worst thing that
could ever happen to a person.

Girls understand.
Holding stuff is very demeaning.

That's why
I have nails like this.

If anybody here
is like considering

becoming a long-nail girl,

I just really cannot
recommend it enough.

It just really tells the world,
"I can't help you."

[laughter]

I don't know.

And so he's walking towards me,
he throws his cup;

I'm like,
"Yes, that's my girl!"

But he spins, and he throws
his entire body into me,

and then I'm like,
"Whoop, sorry."

Because I'm Canadian, right?
What do you say?

And then he goes,
"Don't sorry me, Boobs!"

[laughter]

And then all day after that,
I was like, "That was so nice."

[laughter]

I've been trying to figure out
why that was

such a positive
interaction to me.

I think what it is, is like,
I have so many body insecurities

and stuff, it was just really
nice to hear that "boobs"

is still the headline.

[laughter]

But okay,
I'll start to wrap up now.

You guys have been awesome.
This is so much fun.

And, you know, I will tell you,
I did move to America.

I wanted to see it
before it ends.

[laughter]

[chuckles]

But I've been trying
to help them.

I've been trying to make
America a better place

for everybody, you know?

One thing that I've been
recommending to them

that I think is something that
we really take for granted

is having more than
just two political parties.

I think that it's something
that's so important, and,

you know, they don't realize
that you get some bullshit ones

that are just for fun.

[laughter]

I've been trying to explain
to Americans the Bloc Québécois.

[laughter]

They don't even believe me.

I'm like,
"Okay, we have a party in Canada

that's a real party,
you know..."

[laughter]

Comme ci, comme ça .
But it's a real party.

It only gets votes
in the little French area.

It's run by French people.

All their policies
are like French bullshit.

Moving Day...

[laughter]

And they get to be in
the debates with regular people.

We'll be having a big,
serious, important debate

about Canada. It'll go to our
Conservative, and he's like,

"We need to cut everything.

"We need to cut
single mothers' arms off..."

[laughter]

"...for the economy."

Goes to our Liberal,
and he's like,

"We need to support
single mothers with no arms."

[laughter]

And then it goes
to our Bloc Québécois guy

and he's like, "Cigarettes
should be cheaper for children."

[laughter]

"They are smaller,
they don't smoke as much."

[laughter]

And the moderator
has to be like,

"That's a really good point."

They tried to separate
from Canada.

They tried to become
their own country.

How's that gonna hold up
on a global economy

when your only
resource is acrobats?

[laughter]

[applause]

What does being Canadian
mean to me?

Talking shit about
the Bloc Québécois!

Thank you guys so much!

[applause and cheering]

¶

RICK: Sophie Buddle!

[applause]

In all the years,
all the years of asking people,

"What does it mean
to be a Canadian?"

I was always looking for
that short, pithy answer

that would put
the question to bed,

and I never, ever got it.

But I will tell you
the closest that I've come,

and that is this:

that I have no idea
what it means to be a Canadian,

but I do know I've never, ever
wanted to be anything else but.

[applause and cheering]

[applause and cheering]

Thank you for coming out

to the Stand Up for Canada
Comedy Tour.

Thank you for
all the support over the years,

and in the words
of our celebrity announcer,

Vive le Canada !

[applause and cheering]

¶

¶

¶

¶

¶

¶