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Shame!

Shame.

Chota Mountain,

you too?

Shame.

It's your turn with "M."

You have to sing with "M."

*Bollywood song*

Thank you so much for coming down!

Thank you so much for coming down to watch my show!

It’s damn sweet.

Because, I will not do something like that for you.

Life has changed since I started doing stand up.

You know, I started doing stand up around 4 years back.

And suddenly, now people have

started getting back in touch with me.

“Hey Rahul! Remember in 6th grade"

"we studied geography together?”

“Will I get a ticket?”

"No. Get lost!"

People are so sweet!

They come and say nice things

like Rahul, you are following your dreams.

Do you even know what I dream about?

If I follow them, I will be in jail.

Nice.

But, I was not always a standup comic.

You guys know that?

I used to work as a brand manager before.

Yeah.

I used to work as a brand manager because I had done my MBA

in PPT and…

I used to work in an Indian company.

Um, I cannot take the name of the company on stage.

Corporate ethics.

Our MD, Anand Mahindra, was very particular about it.

He was like “This comedy thing is fine"

"but don’t take company’s name.”

Ok Mr. Mahindra

and Mahindra.

How many of you are there?

I never enjoyed my work a lot

because I didn’t enjoy branding,

but I was moved by this one department.

HR

because that’s the only department with balls.

HR is the only department that can interrupt a very important meeting

by saying something frivolous.

It might be one of those meetings in which your boss is raining down on you,

“None of you are working.”

There is a graph, sales graph,

which is always going down.

“Nobody is doing their work."

"From tomorrow no family, no life”

"I don’t care."

"8 days a week you’ll work from tomorrow, 8 days."

"I know there are 7 days."

"I’ll create one more day,"

"I’m Boss."

Only an HR can interrupt a meeting like this by saying something frivolous like,

“Come down for cake cutting.”

And your lion of a boss is also like

“Yeah, let’s go.”

But that was my life before.

Now, I am a freelancer.

You know what a freelancer is?

He is always free.

Life was different when I had a corporate job.

Wake up every morning,

alarm - snooze snooze snooze.

"Oh fuck! I am late."

"Uber Ola, Uber Ola."

"Yay! I’ll get to see my boss."

Nice happy life.

Now it’s completely different.

Now my life revolves around my

house maid.

When she comes,

I wake up.

One day, she didn’t come.

So, I woke up and said

“Where did this Wednesday go?”

Yesterday was Tuesday,

today is Thursday,

where is Wednesday?

Has Mr. Modi banned Wednesday too?

I am not a Modi supporter

but I am also not anti Modi.

I just don’t want to get into it.

I am whatever the group I am hanging out with is.

Very simple.

If I am hanging out with people who are like

“What amazing development Modi has done!”

I am like “Yes, what amazing development!”

"What ‘Good Days’? Where are the good days?"

"Yeah, even my Wednesday is gone."

Simple!

But I have an observation about Mr. Modi

and if you like him or not, you will agree that

He is smart.

He is sharp. Come on!

He is intelligent, right?

Make in India.

What a scheme!

You guys know Make in India, right?

“Can I go abroad and make this?”

“No no, you make it here.”

“But they have better technology”

“No no, you make it here itself.”

“Hey! Where are you running? Catch him and bring him here”

“Everyone make things here. Come on, start making.”

“You ready the plane, we will leave. You guys keep making!”

Smart! Very smart!

So, I have a house-maid,

and the day she joined, she had just one condition.

She was like “Don’t address me by my first name.“

Which we thought was a fair condition because we don’t know her personally.

As in, we didn’t find her on LinkedIn.

We decided we will add the title ‘BAI’ at the end.

‘Bai ‘in Marathi is ‘Lady’, so problem solved.

Savitri - Savitri Bai, problem solved.

Gayatri - Gayatri Bai, problem solved.

The problem is, her name was

Laxmibai.

See Laxmibai Bai.

She does not do her work properly, she does not...

First of all, she is dust allergic.

Okay so...

She does not use the broom.

She takes the broom for a walk.

“Huh! I am never going to clean that side.”

Ohh dust!

And if you happen to enter the room, she will do this...

The broom does not even touch the ground.

There is a gap.

For a long time, I thought she is using

static electricity.

"Force= Mass x Acceleration"

So, I have to tell her to do her work properly

which is awkward because...

One, I am a freelancer.

What if she is like “Who are you to tell me this?”

She has a point.

And two,

It’s difficult for men to talk to their house-maids.

I don’t know why, isn’t it?

It’s little...

You know what I mean?

You know how it is...

Hey, this Shiney Ahuja fucked it for all of us, okay.

But I have to still tell her

but Laxmibai Bai,

she is very smart.

She uses reverse psychology.

If I see her not doing her work,

I will tell her.

One hand distance, of course.

"What Laxmibai Bai?"

"You haven’t cleaned this properly."

“Yeah, I really did a bad job there.”

We are in different teams here.

So as a freelancer, I spend a lot of time watching YouTube.

But not just any video, okay.

I like to watch specific videos, like

‘You won’t believe what happens next!’

You won’t believe!

How do you know that?

So, I was watching one such video.

9 people who look like the pope,

but are not really the pope.

9 people who look like the pope,

but are not really the pope.

He could have easily titled the video as:

9 people who look like the pope…

We understood,

but he went a step ahead,

because you should not get confused, right?

You should not see and go

“Did you know there are 9 popes?”

“9 popes?”

And how confusing it is if you are one of those 9 people!

“I am a pope?”

“What am I doing in Ghatkopar?”

“Rickshaw! Will you go to Vatican?”

Then outside Vatican, there are 9 people fighting.

“I am the real pope, here is the mark.”

It’s very confusing.

So, I was watching that video and the video is about to end...

YouTube has this pimp of a feature,

Suggested videos,

One video ends, a pimp enters from the side.

“Would you like to watch cat video?”

“Cat video...”

“Cat video is amazing.”

“No, I am watching a Pope video."

“It’s related. It’s related.”

"How are Cat and Pope related?"

"They are related."

"We have an algorithm…. We take your keywords and..."

“It’s related. It’s related.”

"Okay."

So I started watching cat video.

Then I watched porcupine video.

Doesn’t it happen?

You start watching a video on YouTube and you don’t even realise,

you have spent 45 minutes to 1 hour watching some shit after the other.

That’s why I want to say to

all men here.

I want to say something.

See if you are ever caught watching something,

that you are not supposed to…

It’s not your fault.

You don't know.

You...

just got carried away.

Like you guys know me, right?

You guys know me.

Come on! You have come to my show You know me.

You know what kind of a person I am.

I was watching pope video!

45 minutes later,

I have no idea how,

I find myself watching ‘Lesbian Prank.’

Me? Lesbian Prank?

I am not even interested in

Pranks.

Have you guys watched that video- Lesbian Prank?

What a great video it is!

Watch that, forget AIB.

What a video!

The whole video is, this girl playing a prank on her mom...

that she is a lesbian,

because,

I don’t know.

“Let’s make an ass out of Mom..”

I don’t know.

The whole video she’s like, “Mummy, mummy, I am a lesbian.”

“Mummy, mummy, I am a lesbian.”

Mummy says “No darling, you are a Sagittarian.”

“No, mummy, I like girls.”

“You are just like your father.”

It’s very confusing.

She gives up in the end.

“Mummy, you don’t know anything. Look there’s a camera there.”

“Look there are my clothes, please wash them.”

I saw that video and I got nostalgic.

Not because I was a lesbian once.

It’s because as kids we used to play pranks.

Used to be so much fun, right?

Now we don’t anymore.

As kids we would...

You’ll call a friend, someone like Mahesh,

“Hello! I am calling from the Municipality.”

“Is there water in your house?”

“One second, let me check.”

“Yeah, water is coming.”

“Yup, it is coming.”

“What else would come? Milk?”

And you will keep it.

So much fun!

But now we don’t do anything like that.

Now for fun we go to clubs.

I hate going to clubs, I hate it.

Because every club has this weird creature,

DJ.

“I am controlling the whole vibe of this place.”

“They are dancing because of me.”

"What’s your talent?"

“I mix songs made by other people.”

"So what do you do?"

I hate them man,

and they speak so much.

The moment they open their mouth, have you seen the kind of shit that they say?

"How are you doing, MUMBAI?"

"How are you doing, MUMBAI?"

Who the fuck talks to a city?

Who, in their right minds, thinks it’s okay to have a conversation

with a geographical location?

You think the city is going to respond?

"How are you doing, Mumbai?"

People are confused, “What are we supposed to tell him?”

“He is not playing the songs.”

"How are you doing, Mumbai?"

Lot of traffic.

"Make some noise!"

Why?

You make some noise.

You are the DJ.

Press the buttons.

Don’t laugh, you are the same fuckers,

who go to these clubs,

and what do you guys do?

“Make some noise!”

Woooooo!

Why?

Why do you wooo? Tell me.

Why do you wooo?

Why wooo?

First of all, the DJ said make some noise.

Make some noise.

You had all the options in the world.

But collectively you went with woooo?

Why don’t you make different noises next time?

Make some noise.

Then he will have to play some music.

But because you guys go "Wooo,"

what does he do?

“I cannot hear you.”

Take off the headphone and get out of the aquarium!

He will stop the music in between,

and expect you to finish.

That is what I wanted to hear!

That is the main part of the song.

How will you feel if I stop a joke in between

and expect you to finish?

I hate SpiceJet air hostesses because…

Wooo… Wooo...

He starts yapping in middle of a song.

A nice song is on...

Despac-

“Ladies & gentlemen, this is DJ Black Widow in the house.”

Did anyone ask?

And why do they have pseudonyms?

DJ Black Widow?

Who has ever identified a DJ on the streets?

Who has ever said? Look, that’s DJ Kumar.

No one ever said.

Half the people think it’s an iPod playing.

And that melodrama in the end!

“Alright guys, that was my last song.”

“You guys have been a terrific audience.”

“See you again next week.”

Don’t say, "Once more!"

Let him crave for it.

“Alright guys, that was my last song.”

“You guys have been a terrific audience.”

“See you again next week.”

“I am going.”

“Cab’s here.”

I hate DJs, man.

Buy whole headphones,

and use half of it.

Why don’t you share the other half with the poor?

I also hate Spice Jet air hostesses.

They are so rude.

One time, I asked this Spice Jet air hostess,

"Excuse me, ma’am."

"Can you give me a glass of water?"

You know what she said?

“Go get it yourself.”

I am not making this up.

This actually happened last week

at a birthday party.

Every time I do this joke,

after the show someone walks in.

There is always this one person.

“The show was good but that Spice Jet air hostess joke was not called for.”

“She was not at work. How can you go and ask her?”

"I was thirsty..."

This one time I was flying Spice Jet,

alright.

Now there is no excuse.

So she came, Prajakta.

Actually, I didn’t see her name.

I don’t know what was her name.

I didn’t see it man.

I was reading the in-flight magazine.

The one in which they write a price for a product wrong,

cut it and then write the correct price.

How can you make the same mistake in every product?

I was reading that.

So she came...

“Excuse me sir, veg or non-veg?”

"Veg."

*Says a veg (clean) joke*

Crazy people.

I was on my phone and she came like...

"Excuse me sir, you will have to switch off your phone."

"Airplane mode."

"No, I won’t turn the plane." *Hindi wordplay*

If you take morning flights

in airports you will always find

lots of corporate folks with blazers.

"I am important, so I cannot be happy" kind.

One such blazer came and sat next to me.

All the time he was like “I also want elbow space.”

You should have done a web Check-in then.

We were flying okay,

and Blazer was watching

Neerja (Movie about a plane hijack) on his laptop.

This scared the shit out of me.

I fastened his seat belt too.

In-flight announcements are fun.

You know why? Because they make it in two languages.

First in English,

and then third cousin of Hindi.

What Hindi is that?

Flight attendants, kindly return to your seats.

What?

Fasten your seat belts.

Huh?

Who talks like that?

I tried speaking like this at the vegetable market,

One kilo potatoes and one kilo of tomatoes.

He threw them at me.

“Don’t come here again.”

You are not allowed to ‘Dhumrapan’ in flight.

See, if you say don’t smoke, I will agree.

But Dhumrapan...

Dhumrpan sounds only so cute you want to do it.

I want do some.

I want to Dhumrapan.

Little dhumru please.

Drinking alcohol is prohibited in the aircraft.

That is such a classist announcement.

Classist announcement.

I am against it.

Where are you going? -Hyderabad.

Only water for you.

Where are you going? -Singapore.

Drink away drunkard.

This is exactly why I came for this show.

Drinking alcohol is prohibited in the aircraft.

Fair announcement, I won’t drink.

But...

What if the announcement comes a little late?

What if I am already drinking?

Hey! How would I know?

She can announce anything later.

You are not allowed to wear jeans in flight.

So, should I take it them off in advance?

You know how they are, right?

In the beginning, they waste a lot of time.

Two doors in front,

two doors at the back.

Prajakta you also join.

At the time of emergency,

put the oxygen mask on yourself and not on the child.

What if I am already drinking when she’s…

But the moment I heard that announcement,

So...

I spat my rum,

Because drinking alcohol is prohibited in the aircraft.

The rum I spat, landed on the guy ahead.

For some reason, he got angry.

Don’t know why. Must have fought with his wife.

I wouldn’t know.

“Why did you spit rum on me?”

Because drinking alcohol is prohibited in the aircraft.

“You are right!”

He called the air hostess for some tissues.

She also came and started,

“Excuse me sir, why did you spit on him?"

Here we go again.

"Because-"

This guy stopped me “Let me say it”

“Because drinking alcohol is prohibited in the aircraft.”

“You only made that announcement.”

“How do you expect him to gargle for 90 minutes?”

“Please bring some tissues.”

“Go get it yourself.”

“Who talks like that?”

“Actually, it was his idea.”

“It’s his show.”

“What is this go get it yourself"?

"Actually, it’s a callback."

“What is a callback?”

"Well, if you have done a joke earlier"

"and say everyone enjoyed its punchline…"

"You can use it again anywhere."

"Doesn’t have to make sense They don’t get it."

“He is a genius! Connects his bits so well.”

“You are right!”

See did you learn something today?

You learnt what a callback is.

Now when you go back home and your mom asks "What did you learn?"

"Callback."

“What is callback?”

“Mummy do you need water?”

“Yes.”

“Go get it yourself.”

Now you are going to learn something more.

You know what?

I am going to do one-liners.

What are one-liners?

No, not today.

I will fly tomorrow. Not today.

One liners are basically,

small small jokes,

small set up,

small premise,

small punchline.

Little joy.

I will give you an example.

I was playing truth and dare with my ex-girlfriend.

She was current then.

I am not that cool.

So, it was my turn.

So, she asked “Rahul truth or dare?”

I said truth.

“Tell me who is the President of Finland?”

This is not how you play.

She got angry.

“Are you hiding something from me?”

We broke up.

See.

Alright?

One more.

I like the concept of caller tunes.

But I don’t want to pay money for it.

So, what I do is...

Every time someone calls,

I sing for 15 seconds.

*Bollywood Song*

"Yes Mom?"

One of my friends recently turned 30,

and he was like,

“Rahul, I don’t want to grow up anymore.”

So, I killed him.

My handwriting is so bad,

that gmail is using it for captcha.

Are you guys okay with dark jokes?

Okay, you said it.

I don’t like domestic violence.

I like international violence.

So, every time I have to beat my wife,

I have to take her to Spain, Croatia, Germany…

It’s a joke.

Relax, it's a joke.

You think I will take her to Spain and Croatia?

I do it at home…

It’s a joke.

Relax.

It's okay.

Jokes are all about context.

I don’t do that.

If I don’t do domestic violence, and if I say that I do so, it can be funny.

See context.

Imagine you are watching TV,

and Dalai Lama comes,

on TV.

He is not sitting besides you.

"Hi Dalu! It’s been a while!"

"Have a smoke." No...

He comes on TV and he is like,

“Go for inner peace.”

“Find happiness within you.”

“Don’t have any attachments.”

“And yesterday night I was drunk driving.”

You will be like, “Lama has become funny.”

But, if Salman tells the same joke?

Context.

Enough dark jokes for you.

Now, easy jokes.

I get so bored sometimes

that I call credit card companies and say,

“Not interested.”

My dad loved that joke so much he shared it on Facebook.

One of my friends commented “Uncle, what are you high on?”

My dad replied “Cholesterol, son.”

Men in the house give me a cheer.

Women in the house give me a cheer.

See that is sexist.

Why should women be in the house?

They should also go out,

they should also have opportunities.

These are things I don’t support.

I got married 3 Years back.

It was a love marriage.

Her parents really love my parents.

So, horoscopes were matched.

Milk was served, girlfriends danced,

had a great time.

Why do these girlfriends dance in weddings?

I don’t know what’s their agenda.

I am making out inside,

they are dancing outside, why?

I cannot satisfy everyone.

I am not a flower, I don’t spread pollen grains.

It was a Tamil wedding, because I’m a Tamilian.

As the name suggests, Rahul Subramanian.

For the North Indians,

Sun TV.

Have to do it.

Because North Indians and education…

“What are the 4 southern states?”

“There is Karnataka…”

“There is Malayali…”

“What? There no state called Malayali?”

“So, which one got divided in two?”

"Leave it...all of them are aandu gondu."

"All aandu gondu."

You think that’s how we speak North Indians?

Every morning, we wake up and we go,

“Mom, aandu gondu… aandu gondu… aandu gondu”

and go about our whole day.

Bloody North Indians.

No, tell me, tell me, tell me.

How the fuck do you communicate a whole language,

using just aandu,

and gondu?

Tell me, we tried it.

North Indians are telling so…

For one week, everyone at home

like made people went "aandu gondu…"

No one could understand anything.

My Dad said "aandu gondu,"

because he wanted to go to work.

You know what we heard?

You won’t believe, we heard "aandu gondu."

Which meant he wants to go and sleep with another woman.

My parents were on the verge of divorce,

because of you, North Indians!

No, tell me,

how the fuck, do you communicate a whole language

using just aandu and gondu?

There are only four possibilities,

aandu gondu, gondu aandu,

aandu aandu, gondu gondu.

How the fuck…

Fucking North Indians.

"Look at me drunk driving."

I was in Gurgaon, okay.

Gurugram, that brand re-positioning really worked.

People in Gurgaon drive as if they are playing NFS.

They think that if we ram it here,

life will restart from here.

They give a right indicator, and turn left.

They give a left indicator, and stop the car.

They switch the parking lights and start hitting someone.

I was on a flyover, okay.

I was on a fucking flyover,

there was a car coming in reverse,

on a flyover.

Scared the shit out of me.

My ass tore and became a door. *Lol translation*

Daya came and broke the door.

So, Tamil weddings start at a time

when even the rooster puts his alarm on a snooze.

At 3:30 am the uncle begins

Paprapayi. *musical instrument tune*

I get it man, it's a wedding.

“Paprapayi” is important.

Bride comes, do paprapayi, makes sense.

Groom comes, do paprapayi, makes sense.

But in Tamil weddings, paprapayi happens for no reason.

Paparpayi at 3:30 am?

"What happened?"

“Sir, filter coffee is coming.”

"How is that a reason?"

"Why are you so happy?"

“Sir job satisfaction.”

"Shut up!"

“At paprapayi.com we value our employees.”

Then after the wedding when bride and groom are on their way

for their first night.

Whole Tamil family

felt the need to contribute.

The whole atmosphere was set like that.

A set of Tamil cousins singing Hindi songs,

as if they know the lyrics.

*Bollywood song*

"Savitri, what’s next?"

"Okay, even you don’t know?"

"This Hindi language is so confusing."

"Brother also bai, house-maid also bai."

"Why do we care? Aandu Gondu Aandu…"

Then there are these set of 12-13 year olds.

You know in weddings, those 12-13-year-old boys,

those cousins slash nephew things.

“I know what you are going to do tonight.”

Those kinds for whom,

you want to redefine honour killing,

and implement on them.

“I know what are you going to do tonight.”

"We are going to have sex!"

"Lots of sex!"

"Which your mom and dad never had."

"Because you are adopted."

"In fact, people from whom you were adopted…"

"They had also adopted you."

"You are a double derivative of adopted."

You want to say all that but you cannot.

It’s your wedding, you have to be nice to them.

So, this is what I do.

This technique is called "Half pat, half slap."

"Half pat, half slap."

Which is hard enough to hurt him,

but then you say something like...

"Good boy!"

He won’t get it.

"Good boy."

"Smart boy."

"Brave boy."

Like our boss giving appraisals basically.

Lot of topless uncles in Tamil weddings.

For some reason, they are very confident that day.

“What are you going to wear at Rahul’s wedding?”

"Nothing."

People are throwing flowers at you in a Tamil wedding.

You are walking, and a lily hits your back.

Typical Tamil uncle logic:

“So many bouquets, what to do?”

“Manohar, pluck it and throw it at him.”

There are flowers on the bed at your first night,

because who doesn’t enjoy itchy sex?

"You scratch my back and I will scratch your back."

"What is this, a curry leaf on your nipple?"

You are making out with your wife,

a caterpillar crawls up your ass,

turns into a butterfly…

"Our first threesome!"

Married life is great man.

It’s amazing, man.

Who is unmarried here?

Your life sucks!

Because unlike us married people,

you cannot take decisions,

together.

That is a magical process.

How should we fuck up the Sunday?

Together.

The first decision me and my wife took was to buy a car.

Not because I wanted to buy a car.

I was like, "Why do you want to buy a car?"

She was like, "There is lot of dust outside."

So, "Why not buy a facewash?"

I understand, if it’s dusty outside,

buy a car obviously.

If there is an extra room in the house, have a baby.

If you run out of milk, buy a cow.

Go for it.

So we went to test drive this car, Verito.

Have you guys heard of Verito?

It was formally known as Logan.

And it didn't do well in the market.

So, they rebranded it using Jimmy Shergill,

as the brand ambassador.

So I went to test drive the car, and I'm not kidding,

the moment driver started the engine,

we heard a sound

"Welcome to Meru."

"Your fare meter has been..."

My wife got out of the car,

went to the back seat and said,

“Please take the next right.”

I said "Okay!"

Let’s not buy a taxi,

let’s buy a nice car.

So, we were confused between a Volkswagen Polo and an i20,

and we did not know how to decide,

so, we looked in the mirror,

got a sense of our status,

and bought a Maruti Celerio.

Have you seen a Celerio?

It’s WagonR wearing new clothes for a birthday party.

Here's the thing, when you buy something for the first time together,

you are very excited about it.

You don’t see anything wrong in it. You only see the good part,

because this is your first purchase.

"It's mine!"

So, the first three weeks,

we were like, “What a car! What colour! What steering!"

"Look they have even given a gear box too."

We were very happy.

After three weeks, we noticed something that we had missed.

After three weeks we noticed that

both of us don’t know how to drive.

We missed that.

Now people who drive.

If we are all honest to ourselves...

Now you know how to drive.

Things were different a while back.

When you were learning, completely different.

That phase is tough.

You are very conscious, very alert,

and it’s tough, sometimes you hit another car.

It happens, part of the learning curve...

Sometimes you get a scratch on the car, it happens...

Sometimes you don't park well, it happens...

But has it ever happened that you hit another car,

and the guy got off the car and started laughing?

Then added you on Facebook and said,

“If you ever drive to Nasik, let me know…”

“My cousins would also like to see.”

It happened with my wife.

We had to take a right,

so she was taking reverse,

I was like, “Why are you taking a reverse?”

“I am empowered.”

What can one say after this?

She was taking reverse,

and she hit the car

in front of her.

50 yards in front.

Because she didn’t know about the reverse gear.

She thought that to take a reverse, obviously.

Put the car in the first gear and look back.

Look back?

We got the car serviced.

Claimed insurance and I was like,

"From now on I am going to drive,"

because I am a man,

and being a man,

since birth I possess

both driving skills and casual sexism.

I will show you how to drive.

So, I got the car out of the exit gate

I was like this is how you drive.

We hit a bus.

Not a moving bus.

The bus was standing still, I made a perpendicular on it.

Every one on the bus made fun of me.

I said sorry and took a reverse.

I hit the gate.

For the next 10 minutes, this continued.

2 people were recording videos from here,

automatic boomerang.

Came back from the entry gate,

the guy who serviced our car looked at us and said

“Déjà vu.”

I hit him too.

Me and my wife both suck at driving so much.

I suck so much.

that I have hit

pigeons.

Do you know how tough it is to hit a pigeon with your car?

Try it. I challenge you!

Cause the pigeons already know,

they already know what you are thinking.

Unless you yourself don’t know what you are thinking.

My wife is so bad with driving

that whenever she sees a speed breaker

instead of pressing the accelerator…

Instead of…

Whenever she sees a speed breaker,

instead of pressing the brake, she presses...

the horn!

She presses the horn!

Horn?

The speed breaker gets so scared that

it carries its zebra and runs away.

And you thought I said accelerator by mistake?

I am doing this for last 4 years.

Amateur Audience!

My dad got all worked up “What are you doing, Rahul?”

"You cannot claim insurance 10 times in 2 months."

“None of your car parts are original.”

“Your car has become Ship of Theseus.”

Rahul first put that L sticker.

I said “Dad, I have already put one.”

“Put 5-6 stickers.”

"Because people should know that you are really learning."

"Imagine a car with 5Ls."

"It’s okay if we missed our flight."

"Let’s turn around and go home."

There are 5 Ls at the front of the car,

5 Ls at the back of the car.

From both ends my car looks like

a screenshot of Tetris.

In fact, while sleeping, my dad

stuck two L stickers each on our backs too.

What if we drove someone else’s car?

For three weeks, whenever

my wife wore a backless,

it looked LOL from behind.

Then one day we were watching TV and

‘Maine pyaar kiya’ was playing on TV.

Have you guys seen Maine Pyaar Kiya?

The movie in which, every time Salman Khan wants to sing,

he becomes a South Indian.

So, we were watching that.

The moment Salman entered the screen,

I looked at my wife and said,

"I have got an idea, let’s hire a driver."

Here's the thing then we kept a driver,

but the driver was not from Mumbai.

So, he did not know the way around.

Fun fact,

me and my wife suck at directions too.

We're made for each other.

I am so bad with directions,

in college,

I used to get lost in

Counter Strike.

I used to plant the bomb at my own base,

suicide bomber.

My wife is so bad with directions

that she gives directions in

past tense.

Driver, we had to take a right there.

He quit.

As a kid.

Growing up, I really wanted to be a sportsperson.

Really and not just me,

every kid in my locality,

everyone wanted to be a sports person because

none of us could pronounce Astronaut.

Alright.

“What do you want to become when you grow up?”

“Astronaus.”

“Say, sports person, okay?”

But then I reached an age,

when I came to know this,

that apparently,

sports persons are

not allowed to do drugs.

So I gave up that dream.

You go ahead if you want.

Such horrible people.

There is no such rule in stand-up comedy.

There is no drug test happening back stage.

I mean there is, we test a lot of drugs,

it’s a different kind of a…

You know Maria Sharapova?

The one from "Oh hey!"

She got tested positive for a drug that

she was using for over 10 years,

and then they changed the rule,

and forgot to tell her.

So, they went to her home,

to take her grandslams back.

She refused so they snatched it away.

I felt so bad…

Maria...

"Oh hey..."

She was banned for consuming drugs? Maria?

She is a Russian.

It’s like rice and dal for her.

I'm not saying…

I am not saying do drugs, okay.

But I am also not saying don’t do drugs.

Let people do what they want.

I think they should allow it in sports.

No, you don't agree?

I'll prove it to you.

Imagine Wimbledon finals,

Federer versus Nadal,

stoned.

Won’t you give money?

I will pay double.

What fun it would be to watch it!

Federer to serve 15-0.

“Serve, you moron!”

Goal!

So much fun!

Took everything from Maria.

You guys know Maria Sharapova,

she has been playing tennis since she was 4 or 5.

She basically dedicated her whole life for this sport.

Have you ever done anything like this?

She has been doing this since childhood.

Her entire day used to go like that.

She didn’t even visit her relatives in summers,

like you guys

because Prasad sir asked her to work on her backhand,

and it’s not like she did drugs like you and me.

It’s not like she one day took a credit card,

“Let’s go to Ladakh!”

But people got angry at her.

People in India,

got angry.

There was this one tweet that went viral. Do you guys know?

“The day she said she does not know who Sachin Tendulkar is…”

“I knew she was high on drugs.”

What logic is this, commerce student?

I have a different theory.

I think if she was actually high on drugs,

And someone asked her,

“Do you know who Sachin is?”

She will be like, "Yes."

If someone from Maharashtra went

“Do you know Sachin?”

"Yes!"

Then she would know more about Sachin than you and me.

She would know how Sachin is at home.

Things we won’t know.

Does Sachin wear slippers or walk bare feet at home?

We won’t know.

Does he walk around in a pajama or shorts?

We won't know , but she would.

Which side of the bed does Sachin sleep on?

Does he put his phone on charging for the entire night or not?

In the morning, does he drink his tea and then brush or

Brush and then drink tea?

Does he check the water temperature before getting into a shower?

Aila!

I thought at least the tennis fraternity will come in support.

But there is Andy Murray,

tennis world’s Khap Panchayat.

Nobody asked him, came uninvited.

“I know my twitter password.”

"She deserves it." Did anyone ask you?

Don't like such people.

"I am very frank."

"Whatever is there in my heart I say it."

"I am blunt and uncensored."

"Just say it."

"A man came to me and said “It was nice to meet you.”"

"I said, “Wasn’t that nice for you?“"

"I told him."

"I don’t keep anything inside."

"That's how I am."

"I have been like this since childhood."

"When I was young, mom served bitter gourd,"

"I picked it up and threw it."

"Mom asked me "Why?""

"I don’t like bitter gourd, I am very frank."

I hate such people.

In contrast look at Martina Navratilova.

Now who is Martina Navratilova?

She is someone who has won more grand slams than any individual alive.

She eats rice from the Wimbledon plate,

and dal from the US open cup.

Lentils...

What did she say?

She said "Don’t jump the gun..."

"It might have been an honest mistake."

Such a protective statement, right?

Like the old ladies who come in Bollywood movies

after a bad incident has happened,

addressing the crowd:

“Is there a show going on here?”

Then she will tear her saree,

she will hide her blouse.

“Come dear Radha, let’s leave this village and…”

Whatever...

"Don’t jump the gun..."

"It might have been an honest mistake."

which translates to

“Agreed that Maria took drugs.”

“You are an educated lot, you would know better.”

“But, did anyone of you even care to ask...”

“Why did she take drugs?”

“Everyone jumped on Facebook,

and Twitter saying ban her, ban her.”

"Aren’t you the same lot who go to the Metallica concert,”

“and tear your clothes apart and have a great time?”

“You think, those Metal kids"

"drink Complan and perform?”

“And Andy, you shut your mouth up.”

“Hey! I am frank.”

“Andy, if you are really frank...”

“You are from Scotland.”

“Next time in the Wimbledon…”

“tell the people of England supporting you,”

“you are not from their…”

“You have sold your nation!”

“I feel like adding a JNU or Kanhiya Kumar’s reference here,"

"but don’t know which side was correct…”

“Went on for a long time.”

“That’s why I am quiet.”

Tore Saree, hid the blouse.

“Come dear Maria!”

I wrote this when I was…

I wasn't even smoking,

My friend was.

That's how powerful this is.

That's what happens when you're stoned.

Your mind opens up.

You start looking at things from a different perspective.

You start challenging status quo.

When you are drunk it’s different. When you are drunk you're like,

"You are my brother!"

But when you are stoned, you're like

"What is a brother?"

That’s why the greatest pieces of art have been created

when people were stoned.

Greatest scientific discoveries happened

when people were stoned.

Mona Lisa, Leonardo da Vinci’s master piece,

the whole world raves about it.

“Is she smiling or not?”

“Don’t know, let’s look from here.”

“Is she smiling or not?” -“Don’t know, let’s look from here.”

You won’t find out.

She's too baked too know herself.

Even she is wondering, “Am I smiling or not?”

Greatest scientific discoveries have happened when people were stoned.

You guys know Galileo?

Galu!

The guy who proved that the earth revolves around the Sun and not the other way around.

How did it happen?

He was hanging out with his scientist friends. They are doing all normal scientist stuff.

"Pass hydrochloric acid,”

"concentrated, not dilute."

“Go get it yourself.”

“Prajakata, you?”

"Red litmus blue litmus."

“Now guess the colour? Red litmus, blue litmus?”

“Lime water turns milky, go make some tea.”

They are enjoying…

Having a ball of a time.

What is Galu doing?

Looking out of the window and smoking up.

"Damn..."

“Manoj…”

“Where does this sun...”

“disappear every evening?”

"Why do you bother?"

“Leave it bro, Sun’s an asshole. Let him go wherever he wants”

“Why should we care?”

“I think…”

“The sun doesn’t go anywhere...”

“Have you gone nuts bro?”

“How many times have I told you don’t smoke cheap stuff!”

“You have lost your mind like Coppernicus.”

“Manoj, its not cheap... its from Manali.”

“I think the Sun..."

“Stays there,”

“and we go around.”

“Ooo, well said bro!”

“Let’s write this down officially."

“Prajakta, holiday for everyone today.”

Newton,

was sitting under a tree.

He didn’t even know that an apple had fallen.

He thought it was raining.

10 apples had already fallen.

10 apples. He didn’t realize at all.

Then, his friend Gayatri came,

“Newton, apples have been falling on your head.”

“No, Gayatri this is not an not apple…”

“This? This apple did not fall.”

“It was forced to fall.”

“It’s a new theory, I will give it your name."

"Gayatri."

“Don’t you dare use my name!”

“Okay, will Gravity do?”

So, the moral of the story

is,

Don’t do drugs,

because…

whatever the story be.

It’s moral should always be right.

As you guys can see, this show

has been completely random.

So, now we will talk about

Stone Age.

I feel,

there must’ve been a time in stone age…

When we humans thought

that we cannot swim.

That is a fish’s core competency.

Walking is our core competency.

If someone raised a doubt, that "Why can’t we swim?"

“Have you even seen a fish"

"Running a Marathon?”

“It stays in water. We stay on land”

“But I have seen fish jumping out…”

“And going back into the water”

"That she comes out to take a bath!"

But there would have been someone,

rebel.

Because in every generation there is a rebel,

“How can you say?”

“How can you say that we can not swim?”

Those kinds, about whom parents would say “Do not hangout with him.”

“Go inside and finish your cave painting.”

But he is like “Tomorrow, everyone come to the beach at 8 am."

"I will show everyone...”

“I will show everyone how to swim.”

So, everyone gathered cause they need some pastime.

Everyone must have checked time and reached. I mean…

I don’t know, how they checked time.

“Feels like it’s 8 o' clock right?”

“Feels like it, come on!”

There would have also been a couple of uncles spreading negativity.

“He will die for sure. You wait and watch.”

“My cousin was also like him, just like him.”

“Got a Blowjob from a snake and died.”

“This whole generation is like that!”

Everyone would have reached.

This guy would have entered water.

Started walking inside…

Till a point where the depth of water was

more than his height.

Would have started struggling a bit.

He didn’t know what to do?

Going further deep,

hands and legs, just splashing them.

Desperate attempts, under panic!

After 10-15 seconds somehow,

somehow, instinct kicks in,

and he starts swimming.

It’s a great moment. He starts swimming in water.

People are looking at him with shock.

Because others’ success...

Then he walks out of water.

He is all drenched.

Water flowing from his hair.

All the way to his face, to his neck,

down his chest, to his six pack abs,

all the way down…

It’s got nothing to do with the story,

but I want you to visualise.

Women are going mad.

They are throwing their…

Leopard skin and…

Making fire and…

Cimbing trees and…

He comes out of water,

there are 8 kids standing in front,

looking at him in awe,

because kids,

they don’t know what jealousy is, yet.

He looks at the kids…

“Kids,"

"never allow"

"anyone"

"and I mean anyone"

"to tell you"

"that you cannot do something…"

"that you set your mind to.”

“Tomorrow, everyone come to the mountain,”

“because, tomorrow, I am going…"

“to Fly.”

Thank you, guys,

Thank you so much!

Thank you!

Yes!