Original subtitles

-(CHALK SCRAPING ON BLACKBOARD) -MS. BERRY: W-O...

R-K!

Work.

Today we're going to share what our parents do for...

CHILDREN, WOMAN: Work!

My mommy is a doctor.

My daddy is a truck driver.

My mom's a teacher.

And your dad?

My dad...

He's a liar.

A liar? I'm sure you don't mean a liar.

He wears a suit and goes to court and talks to the judge.

Oh! I see. You mean he's a lawyer.

CHRIS: Hey, Fletcher. How'd it go in there?

-Another victory for the wrongly accused. -Right.

-(LAUGHS) -Mr. Reede, great job.

Do you want your coat back?

No, I'm sure you'll be needing it again and again.

-Do you have a moment? -I'm late. It's my day to be with my son.

A couple of reporters want to talk about your big win.

Oh, yeah? How's my hair?

Fabulous. You look great.

(GASPS)

What time is it?

I'm sure your dad just got held up in court again.

-Dad! -Maximilian!

How you doing, creep?

-MAX: Good. -(FLETCHER SIGHS CONTENTEDLY)

Me too, except my arm has really been bothering me lately.

-(CHUCKLING) Oh, no, Dad! -Oh, yeah!

It's becoming a claw!

-(GROWLING) -(GIGGLING)

(GASPS) Nothing can stop the Claw!

Run, boy! Save yourself!

Do the Claw to Mom!

FLETCHER: Uh-oh!

You found the Claw's only weakness. Sub-zero temperatures!

(SQUEALING)

-(BLOWS RASPBERRY) -(LAUGHS)

Did you have any trouble finding the place?

I'm late. I'm sorry. I ran out of gas.

The gauge is broken or something.

Rough neighborhood, too.

Good thing I was wearing neutral gang colors.

I might've had to pull out my nine and bust a cap.

♪ My mind and my money and my money and my mind ♪

-(GIGGLING) -They would never hurt you, Fletcher.

You're their lawyer.

Oh! That was below the belt. Keep the gloves up.

Mom, Dad's taking me to see wrestling!

-(SCOFFS) Fletcher! -(SCOFFS) Audrey!

Why do you have to take him to see that violent stuff?

The boy must grow to be a warrior.

(SNARLING)

Who better to guide him than Rick Rude

and Randy "Macho-Man" Savage in the Cage of Death?

(CAR HONKING)

(FLETCHER MOANS) Oh, good!

-MAX: Jerry, how's it going? -JERRY: Hey, Gipper! Look at you.

You look like you grow by the minute!

Fletcher, pleasure to see you. Hi, honey!

-Hi. -(SMACK)

Wow. That was a nice image. (IMITATES KEYSTROKE) Deleted.

(GROANS)

-I have some more boxes for you. -Oh! You're an angel.

-Boxes? -AUDREY: Yeah.

Remember? I told you Jerry's moving to Boston on Friday.

Oh, right! The job, the thing. What do you do again?

-Hospital administrator. -Right!

-The boxes are in my car. -Oh, those can wait.

I made this young man a promise, didn't I?

Got time to throw a few?

-Sure! -Come on, then! (LAUGHS)

-I forgot the boyfriend was moving. -Jerry!

His name is Jerry! And yes, he's moving.

I'm sorry. I hated him a lot less than your other boyfriends.

-It wasn't serious, was it? -Semi-serious, yes.

You guys aren't... You know...

(GRUNTING)

(LAUGHS) I have been dating him for seven months.

-What do you think? -Really? Ew!

I hoped after being married to me you'd have no strength left.

When we were married, I wasn't having sex nearly as often as you.

Ouch!

The ref takes a point away.

-MAX: You're out, man! Out! -Max is gonna miss him.

I'll be here.

JERRY: Ready? Yeah! Play ball.

Max, come on. We've gotta go.

-MAX: Dad, are we really going to wrestling? -Absolutely, Max Factor.

We just have to stop by the office for a minute.

-Excuse me, sir. Any spare change? -I'm sorry. I'm all out.

I can't do it.

Fred, it's your duty to present the strongest case possible.

The strongest case possible consistent with the truth.

Will you let the judge decide what's true?

That's what he gets paid for. You get paid to win.

If you insist that I take it to trial,

I will represent Mrs. Cole aggressively and ethically.

But, Miranda, I won't lie.

Then we'll have to find someone who will.

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

Twenty-first floor. Men's wear.

(MAX CHUCKLING)

-Hi, Mr. Reede! -Whoa!

Hey. Did you do something to your hair?

It's a bit extreme, isn't it?

No! That's the thing nowadays, right?

-He said it'd accent my facial features. -That's what it does!

It completely accents your facial features.

We're just gonna go to my office now...

(COUGHING)

-Hey, Fletcher. -Hey, Pete.

-You losing a little weight? -I don't know. Maybe.

Looks and personality. A double-threat guy.

-Hey, Mr. Reede. -Hey, man.

-It's Randy. -I know.

-Taking lunch orders. Anything? -No, thanks.

I had so much for breakfast, I'm ready to pop.

-I mean, I'm full. -Okay. Great.

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

-Max! -Hi, Greta.

-What's new? -My birthday's tomorrow. I'm having a party.

Wow! I am sure your daddy has got you something wonderful.

-Yeah? -Yeah! You bet!

Listen, kiddo.

Play in my office for a minute. Sue somebody for everything they've got.

Maybe you can send a fax to one of your girlfriends. Sorry.

Damn it! I completely forgot.

What a surprise.

You are a saint. I should buy you a gift.

-You did. -I always do the classy thing. Any calls?

-Judge Rollins' clerk needs your filing. -Say it's in the mail.

You'll do it next week. Mr. McKinley phoned to confirm your meeting.

Strep throat. No, a virus. What's going around?

-Asian flu? -Good one.

-And your mother called. -(WHISPERING) I'm on vacation.

-It's your fifth week. -Snowed in, phones are down.

Break mother's heart. Done. That's it.

Except Miranda's looking for you.

(GROANS)

How much ass do I have to kiss to make partner in this place?

-I broke my leg and had to be shot. -Why don't you tell her yourself.

And then send out a notice of judgment on my win today!

I'll get right on it.

Miranda! I didn't see you. You look beautiful today.

Here! I bought you a gift.

Oh! Thanks. I heard about your victory. Congratulations.

You're making quite an impression on the partnership committee.

That's right! You folks are meeting soon.

I've been so busy, I haven't even thought about it.

(LAUGHING)

Anyway. I have a client in my office.

-Better not keep him waiting. -Something important has come up.

You're not busy tonight, are you?

We're not going, are we?

Audrey. You know how there are moments in life that you know are critical?

Mmm-hmm.

And choices that have to be made

upon which all one's future happiness will depend?

Mmm-hmm.

This is one of those moments.

What are you trying to say?

Will you marry me?

-You're moving. -I want you and Max to come with me.

I've been giving this a lot of thought.

I'm not prone to wild, spontaneous flights of romantic fancy.

But the thought of us together just makes too much sense to ignore.

I'm ready. I think you're ready. I love Max. You love Max.

It's right. It fits.

So what do you say?

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

(KEYS CLACKING)

(SIGHS)

(PRINTER BLEEPS)

Hey, creepy. Happy birthday.

How old are you now, 22, 23?

-I'm five, Dad. -Okay.

Return the beer keg.

-Cancel the dancing girls. -(CHUCKLING)

I don't know what I'm gonna do. I feel completely unprepared for this.

You see, I bought you a present, but last night...

I accidentally swallowed it.

-Dad, it's in your belly! -Scalpel.

I hope it's not partially digested!

Look out!

Cool!

-Cool! -What is it?

It's a surprise.

All right, it's a pony. Just open it!

I'm gonna help, because I can't stand it!

BOTH: Baseball stuff!

Cool! Can we play?

I'll be Nomo. You can be Jose Canseco. Can we play?

-Absolutely. -Yeah!

(LAUGHS)

Right after your party tonight, we'll do it. You and me.

I just have to really concentrate on this right now.

(CLICKING TONGUE)

(PRINTER WHIRRING)

(HONKING)

BOTH: Hi!

Hey! Happy birthday.

-Thanks, Mom. -Happy birthday, Max!

One, two, three, four, five. And one for good luck!

He struck the child. Did you see that?

-Look at what Dad got me! -Whoa! Great!

Hey, I have my glove in the car.

Maybe we can stop at the park on the way home and play catch.

Tonight we can rub oil in it and wrap a big rubber band around it.

It'll be great. Great gift, Dad!

Thanks, Son. I'm so glad my gift could bring those two together.

My plan to phase myself out is almost complete.

Something's come up, and we need to talk.

Come on, Mom. I want to go play!

It's kind of important, so maybe we could talk tonight?

-Tonight? -Yes.

-Max's birthday party. -Yeah.

Sure. Of course. We'll talk then. Great!

-Maximus! I'm outta here. -Bye, Dad.

Jerry, enjoy my wife.

(EXCLAIMS)

(LAUGHING)

This is good. This is really smart.

-Thank you. -Only...

It's not true. Does that present a problem?

Mrs. Cole, the only problem here

is that after you've provided years of faithful service and loving support

of raising his children... They are his?

Oh, yeah. One for sure.

After all that, your husband is denying you

a fair share of the marital assets based on one single indiscretion.

Seven.

-Pardon me? -Seven single acts of indiscretion.

Seven acts of indiscretion,

only one of which he has any evidence of,

and all of which he himself is responsible for.

-He is? -Mrs. Cole.

You're the victim here. The wife of a cold, distant workaholic.

Starved for affection. Driven into the arms of another man!

-Seven. -Whatever!

You're not denying him what is rightfully his.

All you're insisting on is what is rightfully yours.

-Yeah. -And maybe a... (PUFFS) fraction more.

I think you're bending over backwards.

I did offer to give him joint custody of the kids.

He is, after all, a wonderful father.

And how does he repay you?

By dragging you through a painful litigation process!

No! This can't happen!

With all due respect, this isn't about you and Mr. Cole anymore.

This is about all women.

Where would Tina Turner be right now if she'd rolled over and said,

"Hit me again, Ike, and put some stank on it"?

Rolling on the river, that's where she'd be.

But she's beyond Thunderdome, because she decided to send a message.

Wake up, sisters! There's no

such thing as a weaker sex!

(EXHALES)

SAMANTHA: You know what?

You're right, Mr. Reede. I am tired of getting kicked around!

Good for you!

Thank you. I am so grateful

to have an attorney I can trust.

(EXCLAIMS)

You are good.

(LAUGHS) You are very, very good.

The Cole case is worth a truckload of money to this firm.

If you win, I guarantee you'll make partner.

In fact, how would you like to make

a partner right now?

I don't know. I should...

(GRUNTING)

(MUFFLED GROAN)

♪ Happy, happy, happy happy, happy, happy ♪

♪ Happy I'm so happy today ♪

-♪ I live in the U.S.A. ♪♪ -So honey?

Have you thought about, you know, what we talked about?

-Yeah. -Great.

I can't go.

What? Why not?

-Because of Max. -But he'll love it there.

I'm gonna take him to Fenway Park.

There's hiking and camping...

Well, really, it's Fletcher.

Fletcher? Come on, honey.

He wouldn't even come unless you reminded him.

I know, but when he does come over, Max is so happy.

They have their own little world together.

-The Gipper and I have that, too! -I know, but it's different.

-How? -Well...

He does the Claw.

-The what? -The Claw.

You know, it's like this...

I don't... (GROWLING)

(IMITATING FLETCHER) Run for you life. It's the claw! The claw!

(LAUGHS) Mmm.

I can't really do it well. Anyway...

-The point is... -(PHONE RINGING)

if they're 3,000 miles apart, they'll never see each other.

Fletcher won't come to Boston.

(RINGING)

Hello.

-FLETCHER: Audrey? -Fletcher! Where are you?

Max won't cut the cake until you get here.

Oh, man!

Actually, something has come up.

I've got this problem on a new case.

-What happened? -Nothing!

I stubbed my toe on the desk!

I'm really sorry, but I just can't make it.

The boss is really riding me.

Fletcher, it's his birthday!

I know, I know.

I'll make it up to him. I'll pick him up from school tomorrow.

-You're gonna pick him up? -Yes!

All right, hold on a minute. You can say, "Happy birthday."

-No! Gotta go! Good-bye. -(CORD SNAPS)

Hello.

EVERYONE: ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Max ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪♪

Okay, birthday boy. Make a wish.

Come on, Max. It can be anything you want.

Anything in the whole world.

Max.

Your father is sorry. He had to work.

He said he was gonna be here. He promised.

I know, but he promises that he is gonna see you tomorrow.

He's gonna pick you up from school.

All right?

So, come on. Make a wish.

MAX: I wish that for only one day,

Dad couldn't tell a lie.

(ALL APPLAUDING)

MIRANDA: Mmm. That was incredible.

Was it good for you?

I've had better.

(GASPS)

"I've had better?"

(ALARM BUZZING)

"I've had better?"

(CHUCKLES) "I've had better."

(CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHING)

-(SIGHS) -(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

-Hi. -Hi.

-New in the building? -I just moved in Monday.

Oh!

-You like it so far? -Mmm-hmm.

Everybody's been real nice.

That's because you have big jugs.

I mean, your boobs are huge.

I mean, I wanna squeeze 'em. (GASPS)

(FLETCHER GASPS)

Mama. (MIMICS SUCKLING)

-(SLAP) -(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

-Any change, mister? -Absolutely.

-Could you spare some? -Yes, I could. (SPLUTTERS)

Will you? How come?

Because I believe you will buy booze with it!

I am tired of being confronted by the decay of Western society.

Plus, I'm cheap! (GASPS)

Jerk-off!

(BANGS)

(THUD)

You look like you're having a rough morning.

Ding, ding, ding! What do we have for her, Johnny?

-DANA: Fletcher. -Dana.

How much will it take to put an end to all this?

-Fifty percent of your estate. -(SCOFFS) Fifty percent?

With a pre-nup and proof of adultery? What's your case?

Our case is simply this.

(UNABLE TO SPEAK) B-- M--

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

-Mmm. (ROARS) -(EXCLAIMS)

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

I can't stand this.

(NONSENSE CONTINUES)

Very funny, Fletcher!

You want to play hardball? I'm game.

(MOCKINGLY) "You want to play hardball? I'm game."

(WHISPERING) What are you doing? What is wrong with you?

BAILIFF: All rise for the Honorable Judge Marshall Stevens.

Honorable? (BLOWS RASPBERRY)

Good morning. Call case number BD-09395.

Samantha Cole vs. Richard Cole.

-How are we doing this morning, Counsel? -Fine. Thank you.

And you, Mr. Reede?

I'm a little upset about a bad sexual episode I had last night.

(SPECTATORS TITTERING)

You're still young. It'll happen more and more.

In the meantime, what do you say we get down to business?

-First, Mr. Reede, I see that your client... -I would like a continuance!

This case has been delayed several times, Mr. Reede.

I realize that, but I would really like a continuance.

I'll have to hear good cause, Counsel.

What's the problem?

I can't lie!

Commendable, but I'm waiting to hear good cause. Do you have one or not?

-Not. -Motion for continuance denied.

Any chance of a settlement in this case?

I don't think so. My client's offered Mrs. Cole $2.4 million.

-But Mr. Reede has made clear he has no... -Settle!

-Settle, settle, settle! -I don't want to settle.

Mr. Reede, you convinced me yesterday, I'm the victim here!

I'm starved for affection. I'm driven into the arms of another man.

-Seven! -Yeah, whatever.

With the story you came up with, I don't think we can lose.

-I want to proceed. -Mrs. Cole, you don't understand.

Mr. Reede. Do we have a settlement?

(SHOUTS) No!

-No, Your Honor. -JUDGE STEVENS: There's no settlement.

Trial to commence 1:30 sharp.

(RETCHES)

(YELLS MANIACALLY)

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

It was me!

Hi, Mr. Reede! Like my new dress?

Whatever takes the focus off your head.

-What's up, Fletcher? -Your cholesterol, fatty! Dead man walking!

-Hey! -You're not important enough to remember.

-What's it gonna be? -A pockmark, eventually!

Don't ask! For God's sake, don't ask.

All right. You can beat this.

It's all a matter of willpower!

A test. Something small.

(EXCLAIMS)

Red. Red. All right? Now, focus.

The color of this pen is...

(STUTTERING)

(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)

The color of this pen is...

(SQUEALING)

(GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION)

The color of the pen that I hold in my hand

is royal blue!

(YELPS, BREATHING HEAVILY)

One lie, and I can't say it!

I'll write it.

(GRUNTING)

(YELLING)

Write it! Write it, or I'll break it off!

(CHUCKLING VICTORIOUSLY)

No! Come on! Stop it.

(SCREAMING)

Boss? What happened?

The pen is blue.

The goddamn pen is blue!

Mr. Reede, are you all right?

-I gotta go home. -Home? Was the case settled?

No! I have to be in court at 1:30!

-Then how are you going to go home? -I don't know.

Mr. Reede, Rubin and Dunn called.

They need to know where the Darvis settlement offer stands.

I just proposed a settlement to dick with them! (GASPS)

"Dick with them." Got it.

Your mother called. You still on vacation?

FLETCHER: No.

-Then you're here? -FLETCHER: Yes.

GRETA: Thanks for clearing that up, sir.

Audrey called. She wants to know when you're picking up your son.

I'm such a shit!

(PHONE RINGING)

-Hello. -Audrey?

Are you still picking Max up from school today?

Here's the thing. I really can't!

I had a case I thought we'd settle, but didn't. I have to go to court.

-Right. -It's true! I really want to see Max today!

(SOFTLY) How about that. I really do.

Things just keep coming up at the last minute.

-Yes, but this time it's different. -I see. How is that?

-Now I'm telling the truth. -Then what were you doing last night?

Having sex!

Well, I hope that it was with someone very special.

No! I don't even like her, but she's a partner.

I thought I could help my career by makin' her squeal. (SCREAMS)

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

What's wrong with me?

I'm getting what I deserve. I'm reaping what I sow.

(CHILDREN CHATTERING)

-Is Dad still picking me up? -No, Max, he's not.

I'm sorry, but I'm gonna pick you up. I'll work it out.

I guess my wish didn't come true.

-What wish? -I wished for one day Dad couldn't tell a lie.

(BELL RINGING)

Max?

I have something important to talk to you about.

-Okay. -Okay.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello.

Let me explain. Something has happened to me.

Something else is about to happen to you. Max and I are moving to Boston.

-What? -Jerry has asked me to marry him.

Max and I are going this weekend to look at houses.

I thought it was semi-serious!

It's just been given a violent shove into serious.

You can't move to Boston. I'll never see Max!

You'll have the same relationship you have with him now, won't you?

-Where are you? -I'm going home.

When you get there, stay there. I'm coming over. We have to talk.

-Fletcher! -I'll be right there.

-Hey, Mr. Reede-- -♪ La, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la ♪♪

♪♪ (SINGING NONSENSE)

(BELL DINGS)

-Fletcher! -Holy hell!

You can run, but you can't hide.

(TIRES SQUEALING)

What's your problem, schmuck?

I'm an inconsiderate prick!

(SIREN WAILING)

Shit!

Shit!

-You know why I stopped you? -Depends on how long you've followed me.

-Why don't we take it from the top? -Here goes.

I sped, followed too closely, ran a "Stop" sign,

almost hit a Chevy, sped, failed to yield at a crosswalk.

I changed lanes at the intersection without signaling

while running a red light and speeding!

-Is that all? -No.

I have unpaid parking tickets.

(GROANS)

Be gentle.

Audrey! Wait!

Wait, Audrey. Hold on. Wait!

Wait!

Wait? I just had an insight into myself. I'm crazy.

You call and say, "Wait, I'll be right over."

Here's the crazy part, I actually wait.

-I can explain this. -I have missed a department meeting.

-Did you come in a cab? -Yes!

Where's your car?

FLETCHER: Thank you! I can't tell you how much this means to me.

I can. $1,654.11.

How do you sleep at night?

I'm taking this. (INHALING)

(LOUD CRUNCH)

(TIRES SQUEALING)

You scratched my car!

-Where? -Right there!

Oh, there.

That was already there.

Why, you...

You liar!

-You know what I'm going to do? -What?

Nothing! If I take you to a small-claims court,

you won't show up, and if I win, you'll just stiff me.

So I'm gonna piss and moan like an impotent jerk

and then bend over and take it up the tailpipe!

You been here before, haven't you?

Well, I can't remember when I've had more fun,

but if you'll excuse me, I have a class.

-You'd marry him 'cause you're mad at me? -No, that's why I divorced you.

-Wait. I want to talk about this! -What do you want to say?

Is this guy right for you? He is so not me!

-That's one of his best qualities. -But he's kind of Magoo.

-I'm sorry. -Sometimes maybe he is a little...

-Magoo! -Yes, but since we've been going out...

-I'm not having this conversation with you. -You can't go.

-This is not fair. -Fair?

Let's define "fair." Last night a 5-year-old boy was crushed

because his father lied to him about coming to his birthday party.

-Fair? -Last night...

Was none of my business.

Two years ago, it was my business. But I don't have to care anymore.

That's the magic of divorce. But it matters to Max!

Everything you do matters, and everything you don't do.

Now let me tell you something.

I'm a bad father!

I mean...

I'm a bad father.

You're not a bad father, when you show up.

What if I come right after court and play ball?

Then you and I can talk before you make any rash decisions!

No, we are leaving tonight.

Please. Give me one more chance.

I'm throwing myself on the mercy of the court.

I lost you, but please, don't make me lose Max, too.

Give me a chance to be the father I started out to be.

(EXHALING)

-You're really coming? -This is ironclad.

This is the mother of all promises. What time?

Okay, 6:00.

Ten to 6:00.

All right. But if I tell Max that you're coming,

and you don't show up and I have to see that look on his face,

that heartbreaking look,

we're going to Boston.

If I don't show up, I'll pack you myself.

I will lovingly wrap your knickknacks with bubble paper.

I hope so.

Do you know what your son was doing at 8:15 last night?

He was making a birthday wish that for just one day

his father couldn't tell a lie.

Oh, my God! That's it!

"I do not like them, Sam I Am.

"I do not like green eggs and ham.

"Would you like them here or there?

-"I would not like them..." -Excuse me.

Hi. I'm Max's bad father. I'm his father.

-Dad! -Could I borrow him for just one second?

-Monster Max! -Dadzilla! You came to play catch?

I'd like to, but I can't. I gotta talk to you.

Your mommy told me about that wish you made last night. It came true, Max.

-You mean you have to tell the truth? -Yes.

-No matter what? -No matter what!

-Is wrestling real? -In the Olympics, yes. On channel 23, no.

Will sitting near the TV set make me go blind?

Not in a million years.

If I keep making this face, will it get stuck that way?

Uh-uh. In fact some people make a good living that way.

Now listen, Max. You've gotta do something for me.

I need you to take back that wish.

-So you can lie? -Yes.

But not to you. You see, Max,

sometimes grownups need to lie.

It's hard to explain, but if...

Here's a good example. When your mommy was pregnant with you,

she gained a good 40 pounds. She ate everything.

Daddy was scared. But when she asked, "How do I look?"

I said, "Honey, you look great. You're beautiful. You're glowing."

If I had said she looked like a cow, it would have upset her.

My teacher tells me real beauty is on the inside.

That's just something ugly people say.

Max, no one can survive in the adult world if they have to stick to the truth.

I could lose my case, I could lose my promotion, I could even lose my job.

I need your help, Max. Okay?

(SIGHS) Okay.

Do whatever you did last night,

only this time, make it an "unwish."

I did it.

Excellent!

Now, I just need a little test.

-Did it work? -Not like I'd hoped. Did you unwish it?

-Only... -What? Only what?

Yesterday, when I wished it, I really meant it.

This time when I unwished it, I only did it because you told me to.

All right. Do it again.

And this time, mean it.

-But I can't! -Why not?

-Because I don't want you to lie. -I explained this.

I have to lie. Everybody lies.

Mommy lies. Even the wonderful Jerry lies.

But you're the only one that makes me feel bad.

-(BELL RINGING) -MS. BERRY: Max, recess is over.

Come on in!

Mom says we're moving to Boston.

That isn't for sure yet.

She promised we'd talk about it tonight.

I am coming!

You believe me, don't you, Max?

I'll see you later, buddy.

(SQUISH)

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

-Fletcher. How's it hanging? -Short, shriveled and always to the left.

Boss, it's Skull. He knocked over another ATM.

This time at knife-point. He needs your legal advice.

(SHOUTING) Stop breaking the law, asshole!

Boss, are you all right?

My son hates me.

Max loves you. I've seen you together. You're his hero.

Oh, yeah?

Last night at his birthday party, he made a wish

that I wouldn't be able to lie for one whole day.

-Kids. -It came true.

-What? -Max's wish!

It came true.

GRETA: Maybe you should just take a few days off.

FLETCHER: Didn't it seem weird to you that I kept telling the truth all morning?

Well, yeah, but...

What are you saying? That you are incapable of lying?

That's right! I am incapable of lying!

-GRETA: Just for today? -FLETCHER: Apparently. Till 8:15 tonight.

It's one of those 24-hour curses.

GRETA: Those are going around.

-You don't believe me, do you? -Of course not.

(LAUGHS)

How ironic!

Ask me something you think I would normally lie about.

Remember a couple of months ago when I wanted a raise?

-I don't want to do this. -The company wouldn't give me one,

and I asked if you would give it to me out of your own pocket,

and you said the company wouldn't allow it, because it would create jealousy

among the other secretaries.

Now. Was that true, or did you just not want to pony up the dough?

Greta, please!

Judge Stevens, hi! Fletcher Reede. I have to be in your court in half an hour.

Judge Stevens, I badly need a continuance.

Am I ill? That is the perfect question for you to ask.

Please lie to him for me!

I remember when you bought me this antique frame from Tiffany's. Tiffany's?

Garage sale. $6.50 marked down from $10.

(SHATTERING)

I'll give you the raise!

Here's your raise.

(GASPS)

Hi, Judge Stevens!

-Yes, I know I haven't given you an answer yet, -(PHONE RINGING)

but illness could mean so many things.

Can you hold? Hello? Mom!

Hi! I wasn't really on vacation.

Because I didn't want to talk to you!

Because you insist on talking about Dad's bowel movements, size, color, frequency.

I'll call you later! (PUNCHING BUTTONS) Hello?

Damn it! I cut him off.

I cut off the judge!

(GRUNTING)

Greta! Don't leave!

I'm on my knees in a $900 suit!

Mr. Reede. Several years ago, a friend had a burglar on her roof.

He fell through the skylight, landed on a butcher's knife, cutting his leg.

The burglar sued my friend. He sued my friend!

Because of guys like you, he won!

My friend had to pay the burglar $6,000. Is that justice?

No. I'd have got him $10,000.

-Good-bye, Mr. Reede. -Wait!

I didn't understand! Ask me again!

Have a nice day in court.

-Hi. -God in heaven!

It's nice to see you, too. Are you busy?

-Extremely. -Good. Would you follow me, please?

Did you know Mr. Allan himself heads the partnership committee?

Uh-huh!

-You used to work directly for Mr. Allan. -Yeah.

Tell me. What do you think of him?

(GASPS)

He's a pedantic, pontificating, pretentious bastard!

A belligerent old fart! A steaming pile of cow dung! Figuratively speaking.

Really? How delightful. This way.

(SPLUTTERING)

Pardon me for interrupting your meeting. Mr. Allan, you remember Fletcher Reede?

Yes! Nice to see you again, Fletcher.

I'll be observing you in court this afternoon.

I've been hearing some good things about you.

Fletcher has been telling me how much he thinks of you.

Tell Mr. Allan. What do you think of him?

He's a pedantic, pontificating, pretentious bastard.

A belligerent old fart. A worthless, steaming pile of cow dung.

(SIGHS)

Figuratively speaking.

(LAUGHING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

That's the funniest damn thing I've ever heard!

You're a real card, Reede!

I love a good roast!

Do Simmons!

Simmons is old!

(ALL LAUGHING)

He should've been out of the game years ago.

But he can't stay home because he hates his wife.

You've met her at the Christmas parties.

She's the one that gets plastered and calls him a retard.

You, Tom, you're the biggest brownnose I've ever seen!

Your head is so far up Allan's ass, I can't tell where you end and he begins!

Priceless!

You have bad breath caused by gingivitis.

You couldn't get a porn star off.

Your hairpiece looks like something killed on the highway.

I don't know whether to comb it or scrape it off and bury it in lime!

Loser! Idiot! Wimp! Degenerate!

Slut!

I like your style, Reede! That's what this stuffy company needs!

-A little irreverence! -Good! I'll see you later, dickhead!

Dickhead! Priceless!

(ULULATING)

(LAUGHING CONTINUES)

(MOANS) Keep your eye on that boy.

Dickhead!

(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

(THUD)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

BAILIFF: Third District Court is now in session.

The Honorable Judge Marshall Stevens presiding.

Afternoon, Counselors. Are we ready to begin?

No, sir! We are not ready to begin, because my client has not arrived!

Hurry! Move it!

♪ Here she comes to wreck the day ♪♪

-Mr. Reede! -Sorry, Your Honor.

Go. Lupe, you keep those kids quiet.

I'm not even close to kidding.

(SIGHS) Sorry. Billy threw up in the car.

You brought your kids to your divorce?

-Sympathy. -It's working.

I feel sorry for them already.

JUDGE STEVENS: Miss Appleton, you may begin.

From March 6 through June 12,

I surveilled Mrs. Cole at the behest of Mr. Cole.

During that period, I noted that Mr. Cole

left each day between 7:40 and 7:50.

Thereafter Mrs. Cole would frequently have

a male visitor arrive and stay from one to four hours.

I was able to take several photographs of the male visitor.

(GULPS NERVOUSLY)

I see.

Do you know what Mrs. Cole and her male visitor did

during these frequent visits?

BRYSON: Well, they were pretty good about keeping the shades drawn,

but I was able to make a recording of one such session.

Your Honor, as you are aware,

under the terms of the prenuptial agreement,

if Mrs. Cole commits adultery, she is entitled to nothing.

With your permission, we'd like to play the following tape recording.

(PLAYBACK BUTTON CLICKING)

(SAMANTHA MOANING ON TAPE)

KENNETH: Here comes Big Daddy!

SAMANTHA: Oh, God!

-(GRUNTING) -Do it to me! Harder! Harder!

-(SAMANTHA SCREAMING) -(GULPING)

(SAMANTHA MOANING, SCREAMING)

Come on!

How can it be proved that the male voice on that tape is not Mr. Cole?

SAMANTHA ON TAPE: You are such a better lover than my husband!

-I object! -And why is that, Mr. Reede?

-It's devastating to my case! -Overruled.

Good call!

KENNETH: I gotta go. I haven't cleaned your pool.

Your witness.

SAMANTHA: (PANTING ON TAPE) All right.

Mr. Reede, you may proceed.

(SOFTLY) How?

Would the court be willing to grant me a short bathroom break?

-Can't it wait? -Yes, it can.

But I've heard if you hold it, you can damage the prostate

making it difficult to get an erection or become aroused!

-Is that true? -It has to be.

In that case, I better take a little break myself.

But you get back here immediately so we can finish this.

(MURMURING)

(INDISTINCT)

(GROANING)

How am I going to get out of this?

Think. Think.

Think!

(EXCLAIMS IN PAIN)

(GRUNTING)

(SCREAMING)

(YELLING, GROANING)

(GROANING)

(GROANING CONTINUES)

(CRASH)

(GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

(SCREAMING, CRYING)

What the hell are you doing?

I'm kicking my ass! Do you mind?

(SCREAMS)

(MURMURING)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(ALL GASP)

BAILIFF: I found him like this in the bathroom, Your Honor.

Somebody beat the hell out of him.

-Who did this? -A madman, Your Honor!

A desperate fool at the end of his pitiful rope!

What did he look like?

About 6'2', 180 pounds, big teeth, kind of gangly.

Have the deputy search the building.

-Yes, sir. -(SPECTATORS MURMURING)

JUDGE STEVENS: Order! Order!

(GAVEL POUNDING)

Under the circumstances, I have no choice but to recess this case

until 9:00 a.m. tomorrow morning.

Unless, of course, you feel you can still proceed.

Can you?

(SOBBING) Yes, I can.

I admire your courage, Mr. Reede.

We'll take a short recess so that you can compose yourself.

Then we'll get started.

Here you go.

-(PHONE RINGS) -(GASPS)

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello?

-MAX: Dad? -Max? How's it going?

You know Paul and Emanuel from across the street?

They never want to play baseball with me.

But I told them I'm playing tonight with my dad.

Now they want to play with us. Is that okay?

Sure. The more the merrier.

Coolest! Do you want to be Jose Canseco?

Who else is gonna hit that famous Nomo slider?

-Mr. Reede. -I gotta go now, Max.

-I'll see you in a couple of hours. Bye. -Bye, Dad.

He's really coming! I'm gonna go change.

Go ahead!

(MAX EXCLAIMING EXCITEDLY)

Mr. Reede!

(MOCKINGLY) "Mr. Reede!"

This is my lawyer. He's a little unorthodox. You'll get used to him.

Mr. Reede, you remember Kenneth Falk, the man from the tape.

-How could I forget? -Hey, how you doing?

I've slipped into the seventh circle of hell, thank you.

Shouldn't we be going over our testimony right now?

Basically, the plan is, I walk you through the tape.

Step by step, I ask you questions.

-And we give the explanation you made up. -Exactly.

So we lie? That sounds simple.

Doesn't it!

Then I'll finish up with a dramatic series of questions.

Something like: Mr. Falk, isn't it true that you and Mrs. Cole

have never made...

(SINGING GIBBERISH)

♪ Lo-- ♪♪

I can't do it.

I can't finish the question if I know the answer is a lie.

You may proceed, Mr. Reede.

Respondent calls

Kenneth Falk.

Raise your right hand.

Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?

I do! I mean...

I do.

Mr. Falk.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Do you know my client, Samantha Cole?

Yes.

Isn't it true that your relationship with my client is entirely platonic?

I object, Your Honor!

To yourself?

Yeah.

But I would like to rephrase the question.

(GROANS)

Mr. Falk, would I be accurate

if I described your relationship with Mrs. Cole as totally professional?

I object, and I move to strike!

Mr. Reede, I don't know what you're on,

but you better get to the point, and quick.

-Thank you, sir. -(MURMURING)

Is your relationship with my client entirely platonic?

Not! Is not your relationship with my client...

"Bad baby, bad baby!"

Did you ever not make...

Did you... (GASPING)

Mr. Reede!

You had sex with her every time you met, didn't you? Liar!

-He's badgering the witness. -It's his witness.

You slammed her! You dunked her donuts! You gave her dog a Snausage!

You stuffed her like a Thanksgiving turkey!

(ULULATING)

All right, it's true! I humped her brains out! You happy?

No further questions.

(LOW MURMURING)

No questions.

JUDGE STEVENS: You may step down.

Do I dare ask you to call your next witness?

I have no further witnesses.

(WHISPERING) What are you doing? Call me!

You do not understand. I can't lie.

I can't do anything dishonest until 8:15 tonight!

Listen, you bastard! I want my money!

I am not going to end up a 31-year-old divorcée on welfare

because my scumbag attorney had a sudden attack of conscience!

Thirty-one?

If Mr. Reede has no further witnesses,

then I have no choice but to rule in favor of...

Your Honor!

I call Samantha Cole to the stand.

(ALL CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

Order.

Order!

-Knock it off! -Sit down!

Mr. Reede, it is out of sheer morbid curiosity

I'm allowing this freak show to continue.

Mrs. Cole. If you dare.

Mrs. Cole,

is this a copy of your driver's license?

-Yes. -It says here you're a blonde. Are you?

(SCOFFS)

If you don't remember, perhaps Mr. Falk will.

-SAMANTHA: Brunette. -Maybe it's on the tape.

I'm a brunette!

Thank you. Now, let's see.

"Weight: 105"? Yeah! In your bra.

-I object! -You would!

-Bastard! -Hag!

Quiet! Overruled! Weight?

One-eighteen.

All right, fine. I'm 127.

Uh-huh! And it says here you were born in 1964,

but that's not true either, is it?

-Is it? -No.

Tell me what it says here on your birth certificate under "Date of Birth."

I object. What does this have to do with anything?

Overruled. Mrs. Cole, answer the question.

(EXHALING)

"1965."

Now let me get this straight.

That would mean that you lied about your age to make yourself older.

But why would any woman want to do that?

I changed it so I could get married.

And the truth shall set you free!

My client lied about her age!

She was only 17 when she got married, which makes her a minor,

and in the great state of California,

no minor can enter into any legal contract

without parental consent, including...

Prenuptial agreements.

Prenuptial agreements! This contract is void!

So what if my client has been ridden more than Seattle Slew?

Community property applies. She gets half of the marital assets

or $11.395 million!

Jordan fades back. And that's the game!

Nothing further, Your Honor.

(ALL APPLAUDING)

(GAVEL POUNDING)

Order. Order!

In light of this new evidence,

the court must rule in favor of Mrs. Cole.

She is hereby awarded half the marital assets.

(EXCLAIMS)

The son of a bitch pulled it off!

-I didn't know! -DANA: It doesn't matter. The contract's void.

JUDGE STEVENS: Order. Order. (POUNDING GAVEL)

I understand both parties have agreed to joint custody.

-Is that correct? -Yes.

-Yes. -No.

I'm contesting custody.

-What? -If I get sole custody of the kids,

that's another $10,000 in child support payments.

You just won $11 million!

Hey, I'm the victim here. You said it yourself.

Now I'm gonna hit him where it hurts.

(SOFTLY) But you said he was a good father.

So?

Mr. Reede, do we have an agreement on custody or not?

No.

I see.

In that case, there will be a custody hearing on the 19th at 9:00 a.m.

Court is adjourned.

(MURMURING, CHATTERING)

-Come on, let's go. -Daddy!

Stop whining, or I'll give you something to whine about!

BILLY: I want to go with Daddy!

Come here, kids. It's all right. Don't you worry.

I promise we'll be together, whatever I have to do.

It's okay.

For God's sake, will you give me those? They're mine!

Let go of Daddy!

We're leaving now! Lupe, come on!

Don't you have some checks to write? You haven't paid for them yet.

(LAUGHING) I love children.

They give you so much leverage in a case like this.

You did an incredible job, partner.

(LAUGHING) Look at him. He's stunned. He can't believe it.

Your Honor, may I please approach the bench?

We're adjourned, Mr. Reede.

I think we've made a big mistake.

Mr. Reede, I am tired and very cranky.

I know, but this is just wrong, isn't it?

I manipulated the system.

Just because you bought it doesn't mean I'm right. It's a technicality!

Young man, having my judgment mocked in my own court

is not something I'm prepared to tolerate!

Tell that to the kids when they're adopted by the Manson family!

One more word out of you, Mr. Reede, and I'll hold you in contempt!

I hold myself in contempt!

Why should you be any different?

Bailiff, take him away!

This man is a good father, and children are not leverage!

No, don't do this! I have a date to play ball with my son!

I can't be late! It's my last chance!

I'm Jose Canseco!

I'm Jose Canseco!

Phone call!

I get a phone call!

I get a phone call!

(PHONE RINGING)

-Hello? -Audrey, it's me. Don't hang up!

I can't talk right now. Our flight leaves at 8:00.

I'm taking Max someplace where you can't do this to him anymore.

Wait! The most amazing thing has happened to me.

I'm a changed man! Just come to the courthouse with $1,000 for my bail.

(SIGHS)

Hello? Hello?

-Time's up, pal. -No, just one more call.

(GROANING)

AUDREY: Okay. Let's go.

Ready?

Will you get the door, please?

Thank you.

Mr. Reede, you made bail.

Greta! Thank God!

Am I too late? Have you been sexually molested yet?

Because I could circle the block.

FLETCHER: How did you know I was here?

One of the other secretaries called me at home,

said you went all noble in front of Mr. Allan.

I think I'm fired. Isn't that great?

Maybe I'll start my own firm. Do you need a job?

I don't think you can afford me.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I have to get my car. Audrey's on her way to the airport.

I could lose Max forever. I can't let that happen. I love him!

This truth stuff is pretty cool.

I love my son! I love my son!

I love my son!

Need some change? Take everything!

But it's not gonna make you happy.

-(MUTTERING) -I love my son!

I love my son!

-There you are! -Hi.

Just in time.

This is the happiest moment of my entire life.

Oh!

Well, mine...

Well, ours also.

Hey, Gipper. I have something for you, young man.

Watch yourself. It's the Claw!

(LAUGHS) Ooh, the claw's comin' at ya.

You're scared of the Claw.

AUDREY: Jerry.

It's okay. You don't have to...

WOMAN ON PA: Tower Air flight 1511 to Boston is now boarding.

That's us.

-Ready to go? -Yes. You ready?

Great.

WOMAN ON LOUDSPEAKER: Jim Rubing, please report to Airport Security.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Excuse me!

What gate is flight 1511 leaving from? It's an emergency!

Gate number 123. You'll never make it. The flight's already boarding.

It takes a half-hour to get through security.

If you want to go to Boston,

there's another flight leaving tomorrow morning at 7:00 a.m.

Flight number one-twenty...

FLIGHT ATTENDANT ON PA: Welcome aboard flight 1511

from Los Angeles to Boston's Logan Airport.

We'll be departing shortly...

-Honey, can I help you? -I'm fine.

-Are you sure? -Jerry, I can open the bag!

Would you like anything to drink before takeoff?

Yes. Anything with alcohol, please.

Audrey.

STEWARDESS: If you'll focus on the screen, we'll be running a safety video.

How about that drink?

(GRUNTING)

Max!

Wait!

(GRUNTS) That oughta do it.

Thanks! It's running great!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(FLETCHER SCREAMING)

Max! I'm coming!

(INAUDIBLE)

Max, where are you?

I love you.

(GASPS)

Thank you. (CLEARS THROAT)

That wasn't exactly the answer I was looking for.

(SIGHS) Thank you very much?

-I'm sorry. It's just... -Too fast?

-It was too fast, wasn't it? -No, it's...

Chemistry? Whatever it is, we can work on it.

-No. It's just that... -My God, it's Fletcher!

-No, this has nothing to do with him. -It's Fletcher.

-What? (GASPS) -Dad?

(INAUDIBLE)

I made it! I'm late, but I made it!

What is he doing?

He came to see us off. Wave.

(INAUDIBLE)

I won't let you go!

Shit!

♪ Da-da-da-da Da-da-da-da-da-da-da ♪♪

Control 19, this is Tower 1511 heavy, ready for takeoff.

(SCREAMING)

-What was that? -Looked like a shoe.

Pull over!

Pull this thing over!

Control 19, some idiot has hijacked a flight of stairs. We're stopping this plane.

MAN ON RADIO: One-nine Control. We copy.

Yeah!

(SCREAMS)

(JET TAKING OFF)

(SIRENS WAILING)

(GRUNTING)

You people are all doing a wonderful job!

That's far enough, folks.

He's my husband... Was my husband.

All right, go ahead.

Stay here with Jerry, and I'll be right back.

-(SIRENS WAILING) -(CHATTERING)

-Audrey! -Fletcher!

Great news!

Both my legs are broken, so they can't take me right to jail.

What were you doing? Are you crazy?

No, I'm thinking clear. I've never been this clear!

-Dad? -Creep.

-He was getting kind of upset. -Are you all right?

I'm hurting here, though.

I'm a dope, Max.

All this time, you've been here,

and I could see you anytime, but I didn't.

Then your mom told me you were moving to Boston, and I started thinking.

I could be sitting around sometime and

want to look at you and hold you and play with you,

and I won't be able to.

I don't think I'm gonna do too well with that.

I love you more than anything else in the world, Max,

and you know it's true.

I couldn't say it if it wasn't true. Not today.

I love you, and I'll never hurt you again.

He's telling the truth, Mom. He's not allowed to lie.

I made a wish, and anything Dad says today has to be the truth.

Max.

It's 8:45.

You made the wish at 8:15.

I've been able to lie for the last half-hour.

-So you weren't... -No, it was the truth!

I just wanted to be honest with you. I always want to be honest with you.

Mom...

Do we have to go to Boston?

No, Max, you don't have to go.

-Yeah! -(LAUGHING)

I, on the other hand, do have to.

A hospital to run.

That's an open-ended ticket if you ever change your mind.

Thank you.

(FLETCHER LAUGHING)

Looks like he's got his father back.

(LAUGHING CONTINUES)

BOTH: ♪ Happy birthday, dear Maximus ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Max, make a wish.

(EXCLAIMING)

Wait! I don't know if we should do this.

Oh, Fletcher, come on. What are the odds of that happening again?

I guess you're right.

Max, go ahead.

MAX: Mom? Dad?

Max!

Did you wish for your mom and I to get back together again?

No, I wished for Rollerblades.

Do you want to cut the cake...

Dad?

I'd love to.

But I have this horrible pain in my arm.

No, it's the Claw!

No one can stop the Claw!

(GROWLING)

-(SCREAMING) -No one can stop it!

(MAX AND AUDREY SHOUTING)

Nothing can stop the Claw!

(GROWLING)

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

(ALL LAUGHING)

If I was a boxer, I would bounce those things like Sugar Ray Leonard.

I'm sorry.

(ALL LAUGHING)

You brought your kids to your divorce?

-Sympathy. -It's working!

I feel sorry for them already.

For this you will pay a terrible price.

(ALL LAUGHING)

It's working! I feel sorry for them already.

(WATER POURING)

(SIGHS IN CONTENT)

(ALL LAUGH)

Mrs. Cole...

A goose!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Including...

Prenuptial agreements.

♪ Prenuptial agreements ♪

(ALL LAUGHING)

No! I'd have got him $10,000.

GRETA: Good-bye, Mr. Reede.

No! Wait! (STUTTERING) I didn't understand...

(SPLUTTERING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

(SQUEALING)

Oh, shit.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Now, let's see. "Weight: 105"?

In your bra.

-Your Honor, I object! -You would!

-Overactor! -Jezebel!

(ALL LAUGHING)

(APPLAUSE)

He put me up to it. Tom Shadyac.

Yeah, sure he did. (LAUGHING)

Oh, no. They're onto me.

(ALL LAUGHING)