Original subtitles

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Welcome to Quahog's

first recreational dispensary.

Now, as you all know, I was against this.

I fought it tooth.

Maybe I should have also fought it nail.

But that time is gone.

Settle down, there's enough drugs for everybody.

Wow, Quahog has a lot more white guys

with blond dreadlocks than I thought.

-Mm. -And a fair number of Black ladies

with the blond dreadlocks guys.

Cleveland, what do you think about th...

We don't like to talk about it, Peter.

It's a big problem in our community.

It's just, you should know, in the white community,

these guys are kind of considered, like,

big-time rascals.

We're aware. It's being handled.

There was just a big Zoom about it.

-Maybe you could, uh... -We're gonna go ahead

and deal with this one in-house.

How ya doing?

There is a plan.

That's all I need to know.

Is that Cinnamon Toast Crunch in witness protection

when I'm at breakfast?

Susie and I saw you unloading groceries

and wanted to let you know if you need

to borrow reusable bags,

I have a bunch.

And you know you can't soak cast iron skillets, right?

It strips the seasoning.

Oh. Mrs. S is throwing haymakers.

It's not soaking.

I'm cooking water.

Oreos. Here we go, baby...

Aah!

I want Oreos.

Hey, they're just Oreos, relax.

Besides, they're not for babies.

They're for rewarding good behavior

in developmentally slow adults.

So then I was like, what if I've also

been the mailman the whole time?

Yeah, you were saying that in the car.

I know, but you didn't respond.

Let's, uh, let's lock these guys up in the cabinet

for a while, huh?

Yeah, I think that'd be best.

Bingo.

Oh, baby! Bonus candy.

Mm, not really feeling the sugar rush.

I can feel my heartbeat in my eyes.

Good idea, Rupert.

Music will help me relax.

Okay, this is good. This is helping.

♪ The wheels on the bus ♪

♪ Go round and round ♪

-Why should I be afraid of dying? -Wait, what?

♪ With a lunatic ♪

♪ On the grassy ground ♪

♪ If you hear ♪

♪ The lunatic's howl ♪

♪ The wheels on the bus ♪

♪ May start to growl ♪

♪ The lunatic is in my head ♪

♪ And very soon we'll all be ♪

Dead.

I wonder if this is why Ben and Jerry

started making ice cream.

Hey, grab your lunches. I know a spot.

I think I may take a gap year.

You know, hit the road.

There's something I've been searching for

for a while that I need to find.

Little guy named Stewie Griffin.

Can-can you hear any of this?

I'm not even trying to listen anymore.

I'm thinking about soccer.

Guys, what are you doing up here?

Big no-no.

The roof is off limits.

Stewie, are you high?

Yeah, so are you.

We're on the roof.

Okay, I heard that.

That was funny.

We now return to a Dateline

with a beloved town dentist.

He did it. It was him.

Peter, we got a big problem.

It appears Stewie was high on pot at school.

Excuse me for one second.

Lois, someone's at the door for you.

Joe, why-why do you have Stewie?

I'm sorry to tell you this, Lois, but, apparently,

-Stewie was high at school. -What?!

It's the worst thing I've seen in my career,

and I've seen four dead bodies.

Though, technically, that was a zip-lining accident

-in Costa Rica. -O-Okay.

Maybe not the best idea having 13-year-olds

-securing those carabiners. -Joe, I...

You know they wouldn't even let me

bring my own camera on the zip line?

Odd, right?

Well, turns out, they just want

to sell you their photos.

I'll take it from here, Joe.

Thanks for bringing him home.

This is a serious offense, Lois.

I have a court order to remove him from your custody.

What? No.

Please.

I'm sorry, Lois.

No! My baby!

Please.

Oh, I got to keep Stewie entertained,

so I'm gonna need your iPad.

What? No!

My baby! Please.

Hey, what's gonna happen with Stewie?

Well, he's at the Swansons until I complete

court-ordered online parenting classes.

Throwing this out there... if you want a new baby

in six months, let me know.

You got to tell me within five months.

Eh, five and a half, max.

So, Stewie, I know your dad is a pretty funny guy,

but I'm kind of the "your dad" around here.

Yeah, Pops doesn't really talk

about being funny, he just is.

Yeah, Stewie, comedy's pretty big in this house, too.

In fact, I recently submitted a packet

to get into the Capitol Steps.

Nobody knows what that is, Joe.

They're pretty well known in the political satire,

off-center comedy world.

Anybody here know if Tip O'Neill is a generous tipper?

I make a bit of hay about that in the packet.

Tip O'Neill's been dead since 1994.

Voicemail from the Capitol Steps.

Hey, Joe, this is Clarkey.

So sorry, but we're gonna pass.

We're looking for someone more off-center,

more skewed, if that makes sense?

That's what I am!

There's plenty of other comedy groups.

Oh, really?

Like the Capitol freakin' Steps?

What about...

If you say the words "Ocean State Follies,"

I swear to God,

I'll empty my bag all over the floor.

Meg, please, I really need the laptop.

I'm just about done with my parenting classes

and then I can get Stewie back.

One sec, I got to finish this mandatory

sexual harassment course today

or I'm not allowed around the janitors.

It's okay

to slap a man's bottom if he knows you.

That's got to be true.

-False. -I'm done.

Thanks, Meg.

This has been so hard for me.

A mama just can't be separated from her kiddos.

Well, I'm off to Denver with the guy from the magic shop.

Okay, see you at dinner.

Only if you're in the greater Denver area there, hoss.

I'm just gonna give you the "title" of the sketch.

It's called "The Dan Quayle Spelling Bee."

The jokes write themselves.

Do one.

Here it is.

I'm done with my parenting class.

Where's my baby?

I'm happy for you, Lois,

but don't let this happen again.

We ran out of diapers, so he's wearing a Walgreens bag.

Oh, Stewie, I am so happy to have you back.

Mama's never gonna let anything like this happen again, okay?

This place is a nightmare.

They don't even have a xylophone on a string

that you can drag behind you.

Well, if nobody's next, I guess I'll just go again.

Now that Stewie's back, we're gonna have some new rules

to keep us safe.

It is no longer sufficient

for our pet to look after our baby.

Probably... probably the right call.

Kids' bedroom doors

are not allowed to be closed all the way.

I am happy to do this,

but I need you to be absolutely sure

you've thought it out.

You don't win this one, Mom.

I'm striking that last rule.

We are gonna start using the buddy system.

If you leave, you go with your buddy.

You're okay with all these rules, Dad?

Sorry, bud, but I agree with Mom on this stuff.

I learned a lot from the dad's version

of the parenting classes.

He took a run at Stefan over there.

And now it's all breaking loose.

I also do dishes on holidays.

Okay, Stewie, Mom says no more screen time,

so I'm gonna read you a book.

This one is called.

There's a Monster at the End of this Boo...

-Aah! -Aah!

Peter? Stewie?

W-Where'd you guys go?

Lois, you need to very carefully

remove that book from this room.

Why bring it into the house?

Why take that chance?

Peter, enough. Read to Stewie.

I'm an introvert. I got to recharge.

You know the rules. One of us

has to be with him at all times.

Ugh. I can't live with all these rules.

Why does Meg get to live her best life in Denver?

Um, Congresswoman Boebert?

Could you please stop touching me there?

I'm a woman.

My pants are just bunched up.

If I'm going to live under Lois's rule,

I got to take a little mental escape.

Brian's got to have some loose gummies in here somewhere.

Oh, Bri, you beautiful scumbag.

Ooh, sativa.

That means nothing to me or anyone.

Whoa.

Peter? Where are you?

Relax, I just went to the bathroom.

Relax? Stewie is unattended in front of the TV.

He could easily turn it to something terrible,

like Paramount Plus.

Lois, you got to relax.

What would Dr. Cosby do in this situation?

You put the plop and the drink

go fizz-fizz

and make her go "sleepidy floppity floo."

Of course.

Thank you, Dr. Cosby.

May I go to the bathroom, Warden?

You just went.

I do different stuff every time.

Mmm. This chewy zin is excellent.

It's close to hitting that corner.

Yeah, it's gonna hit it on the next one.

You can talk?

You can understand me?

Oh, I've been waiting a long time to say this.

Here goes.

Please stop buying the cheap baby wipes.

They tear me up.

Oh, great, your first words

to me are a grocery critique.

Hey, guess what?

I think "Baby Shark" is a terrible song.

And Dora sucks.

All right, all right, we've-we've clearly

gotten off on the wrong foot here.

Let's start over. Hi, Stewie Griffin.

I just...

I can't believe you can talk.

Not only can I talk...

♪ I am the very model of a modern major general ♪

♪ I've information vegetable, animal and mineral ♪

♪ I know the kings of England ♪

♪ And I quote the fights historical ♪

♪ From Marathon to Waterloo ♪

♪ In order categorical. ♪

I love this.

Uh, did Peter do this once?

Eh, he-he mumbled his way through it, but yeah.

I don't understand how we're talking.

Probably because we're both zonked?

I would never do that in front of my baby.

Okay, then tell me something about the Dave Matthews Band.

Carter Beauford is the best drummer of his generatio...

Oh, my God, I am zonked.

So, I, uh, found some gummies in Bri's car and dosed us both.

Are you mad?

Well, I should be, but this is kind of awesome.

I'm talking to my baby.

Honestly, if I were you, I'd do this all the time.

You put up with a lot.

Really? You think so?

I mean, yes, look at Peter.

He treats you like garbage and does zero to help out.

Why do you let him do that?

Oh, you are getting right in there.

It's tough, you know?

You commit to somebody for life when you're, like,

19 and you know nothing.

Damn. Yeah.

And it may be hard to believe, but when he was 19,

Peter was stunning.

I mean, weirdly, I can see it.

Besides, he-he's gonna be dead

in a couple of years anyway, by then,

my trust fund will vest,

and I'm gonna be playing in a whole different league.

Oh, that's good, okay good, you got a plan.

That's-that's cool, that's cool.

Hey, what's the story with Chris?

It just doesn't seem like he's...

how do I say this...

thriving, you know?

I fell down an escalator

when I was pregnant with him.

He totally has an escalator-head vibe.

Yeah.

We tried to sue the mall, but then the mall just closed.

Remember malls?

You know Brian loves you, right?

Yeah, I know.

No, like, he really loves you.

I know, I know.

I don't quite know how to handle it,

but, oh, he's such a good boy.

And he'll be dead in a couple of years.

Oh, you-you are one twisted lady.

You should try out for the Capitol Steps.

What's that?

I don't know, it's weird at the Swansons.

Oh, my God.

What if we did an adventure together?

Oh, yes, I know the perfect thing for this vibe.

Watch The Big Lebowski at a small theater by a college.

Okay.

Do you think I'll like it?

You'll think it's fine.

All women think it's fine.

Huh, wouldn't you think John Goodman

would be the Big Lebowski?

Whoa, yeah. Oh, that's good.

I have a million of these thoughts a day.

Who am I supposed to tell 'em to... freakin' Bonnie?

Can I-can I say something?

Bonnie's not pretty enough to be as mean as she is.

Yes! That.

That.

I'm really enjoying being on drugs with you.

I don't know why people say drugs are bad...

Oof. Oh, bad time for Philip Seymour Hoffman to show up.

I can't stop thinking about the girl who sold us the tickets

and then had to run and make the popcorn.

Yeah, and I saw a broom by the popcorn maker,

so you know she's putting on one more hat.

I'm still hungry.

I'm starving.

We got to go to IHOP, right?

Have to.

Thank you so much.

We had such a nice time.

You know our waitress was the girl

from the movie theater, right?

Yeah, I couldn't look up.

Nobody's rooting for her harder than me,

but you just know she's not getting our order right.

Yeah, just write it down. God.

Okay, real talk.

Sometimes...

I get the feeling that I might love you

more than you love me, which is fine.

You're not wrong.

Honestly, I can't believe I'm saying this,

but there was a time

when I actually wanted to kill you.

What? Wh...

Why would you want to do that?

Maybe because you're such a doormat.

You let everyone walk all over you...

your husband, your kids, Bonnie.

I don't understand why that would make you want to kill me.

Uh, I thought it was because I hated you,

but maybe I just

wanted to put you out of your misery.

I think I wanted to kill you because I came from you.

Whatever is in you

must also be in me.

I wanted to kill the part of myself

that scares me the most.

Whoa...

You're mad at me.

IHOP must be a rabbit's favorite restaurant, right?

You're...

you're gonna get us kicked out of here.

Thanks for sharing.

That was hard to hear, but it's okay.

I'm your mom and my job

is to love you to the moon and back

no matter what.

Do you feel that?

Yeah.

I do.

Good. Then I'm doing my job

and all you got to do is just be a kid.

We ordered omelets.

No, no, this is-this is good, though, this is good.

Better than what we ded.

Yay.

♪ Step on a crack, break your mama's back. ♪

Naw, naw, I'm just joking.

I'm not gonna.

No, you can.

It's just a silly game.

Okay.

Oh!

-Oh, God! -Mama! Mama! I'm sorry!

Gotcha.

Mom! Whoa.

Where has this Lois been?

Yeah, I should let her come out more.

I didn't used to be so uptight, you know?

I-I used to be crazy and fun.

Really?

I-I shouldn't be telling you this,

but once, in college...

this is nuts, okay...

well, my friends and I, we stayed up

till 1:00 in the morning playing "Jimmy Crack Corn"

with spoons on the bathroom sinks.

O-Okay.

Yeah, it was just, like,

really crazy.

Hey, we should get back at Bonnie for how mean

she always is to you.

Yes. I'll go get spoons.

Do you know "Jimmy Crack Corn"?

I can teach you.

We'll sing it so loud.

No, no. Just follow my lead.

Bonnie gives you crap, we give her crap.

Griffin style.

I'm not gonna be able to go.

Mom, I've known you since I was a baby.

You try too hard with everything.

You're wound so tightly.

Just let it go, babe.

Just let it...

I did it! I just let it go.

Yes, the movie popcorn and IHOP

probably get an assist.

What a night.

We should go on a trip, like to Tuscany or something.

Oh, like an Eat, Pray, Love?

Yeah, like a-like a mom and son "pisghetti" trip.

Want another Oreo?

Ah.

Gotcha.

Ah, ah, you remember your Oreo tantrum earlier?

You know, my tantrums are never about the thing they're about.

What do you mean?

It's a generalized lack of control.

I have no autonomy.

I'm on everyone else's schedule.

Stewie, I see you.

I hear you and I feel the same way.

-All adults do. -They do?

I mean, I'm not strapped in a car seat,

but I may as well be.

Every day it's shopping,

chores, cleaning, repeat.

So it's not just me?

Thanks, Mom.

Oh, I love you, sweetie.

So you're not gonna kill me, right?

Not anytime soon.

Aah! Joe!

Why are there three human poos on our lawn?

Two of 'em aren't mine!

Why am I on the floor?

Why are you here?

Why am I in Stewie's room?

I don't remember anything.

This is like The Hangover with Justin Bartha.

Yeah, nobody thinks of it like that.

Oh, there you are.

Ah, I have no memory of what happened last night.

Yet I have the strangest feeling that Stewie and I...

we shared something special.

Pancakes, please.

Yes, it's strange, Rupert, but I feel the same way.

Something changed with us.

I think this is a whole new beginning.

Ah-ah-ah, too early, little guy.

Oh, my God, what is wrong with you?

It's just Oreos.

Well, I guess we'll always have...

whatever last night was.

We're out of your Tom's of Maine.

Rough and Dry Baby Wipes.

I'll order more.

I'm gonna kill her.