Original subtitles

It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV.

But where are those good old -fashioned values on which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy.

Lucky there's a man who finds a new man who holidays with me.

Laugh and cry.

He's a family guy.

Welcome to Quahog's first recreational dispensary.

Now, as you all know, I was against this. I fought it tooth.

Maybe I should have also fought it nail.

But that time is gone.

Settle down. There's enough drugs for everybody.

Wow, Quahog has a lot more white guys with blonde dreadlocks than I thought.

And a fair number of black ladies with the blonde dreadlocks guys.

Cleveland, what do you think about that? We don't like to talk about it, Peter.

It's a big problem in our community.

It's just, you should know, in the white community, these guys are kind of

considered, like, big -time rascals. We're aware.

It's being handled. There was just a big Zoom about it. Maybe you could... We're

going to go ahead and deal with this one in -house.

How you doing?

There is a plan.

That's all I need to know.

Is that cinnamon toast crunch in witness protection when I'm at breakfast?

Susie and I saw you unloading groceries and wanted to let you know if you need

to borrow reusable bags, I have a bunch.

And, you know, you can't soak cast iron skillets, right? It strips the

seasoning. Oh, Mrs. S is throwing haymakers.

It's not soaking. I'm cooking water.

Oreos. Here we go, baby.

I want Oreos.

Hey, they're just Oreos. Relax.

Besides, they're not for babies.

They're for rewarding good behavior in developmentally slow adults.

So then I was like, what if I... also been the mailman the whole time.

Yeah, you were saying that in the car.

I know, but you didn't respond.

Let's lock these guys up in a cabinet for a while, huh? Yeah, I think that'll

best.

Bingo!

Oh, baby, bonus candy.

Not really feeling the sugar rush.

I can feel my heartbeat in my eyes.

A good idea, Rupert. Music will help me relax.

Okay, this is good. This is helping.

The wheels of a bus.

Go round and round.

Why should I be afraid of dying?

Wait, what? With a lunatic on the grassy ground.

If you hear the lunatics howl, the wheels on the

bus may start to growl. They must be given our help,

and very soon we'll all be dead.

I wonder if this is why Ben and Jerry started making ice cream.

Hey, grab your lunches. I know a spot.

I think I may take a gap year. You know, hit the road.

There's something I've been searching for for a while that I need to find.

Little guy named Stewie Griffin.

Can you hear any of this? I'm not even trying to listen anymore. I'm thinking

about soccer.

Guys, what are you doing up here?

Big no - No, the roof is off limit.

Stewie, are you high?

Yeah, so are you. We're on the roof.

Okay, I heard that. That was funny.

We now return to a date line with a beloved town dentist.

He did it. It was him.

Peter, we got a big problem. It appears Stewie was high on pot at school.

Excuse me for one second.

Lois, someone's at the door for you.

Joe, why do you have Stewie?

I'm sorry to tell you this, Lois, but apparently, Stewie was high at school.

What? It's the worst thing I've seen in my career, and I've seen four dead

bodies. So technically, that was a zip lining accident in Costa Rica.

Okay. Maybe not the best idea, having 13 -year -olds securing those carabiners.

Joe, I... You know, they wouldn't even let me bring my own camera on the zip

line. Odd, right? Well, turns out they just want to sell you their photos. I'll

take it from here, Joe. Thanks for bringing him home. This is a serious

Lois. I have a court order to remove him from your custody.

What? No!

Please! I'm sorry, Lois. No!

My baby!

Please!

Oh, I got to keep Stewie entertained, so I'm going to need your iPad.

What? No, my baby.

Please.

Hey, what's going to happen with Stewie?

He's at the Swanson's until I complete court -ordered online parenting classes.

Throwing this out there, if you want a new baby in six months, let me know. You

got to tell me within five months.

Five and a half, Max.

So, Stewie, I know your dad is a pretty funny guy, but I'm kind of the your dad

around here.

Yeah, Pops doesn't really talk about being funny. He just is.

Yeah, Stewie, comedy's pretty big in this house, too. In fact, I recently

submitted a packet to get into the Capitol Steps. Nobody knows what that

Joe. They're pretty well known in the political satire off -center comedy

Anybody here know if Tip O 'Neill is a generous tipper?

They make a bit of hay about that in the packet.

Tip O 'Neill's been dead since 1994.

Voicemail from the Capitol steps.

Hey, Joe, this is Clarky. So sorry, but we're going to pass.

We're looking for someone more off -center, more skewed, if that makes

That's what I am!

There's plenty of other comedy groups.

Oh, really?

Like the Capitol freaking steps!

What about... If you say the words ocean state follies, I swear to God, I'll

empty my bag all over the floor.

Meg, please, I really need the laptop. I'm just about done with my parenting

classes and then I can get Stewie back.

One sec, I gotta finish this mandatory sexual harassment course today or I'm

allowed around the janitors.

True or false, it's okay to slap a man's bottom if he knows you.

That's gotta be true.

False. I'm done.

Thanks, Meg. This has been so hard for me.

A mama just can't be separated from her kiddos.

Well, I'm off to Denver with a guy from the magic shop.

Okay, see you at dinner.

Only if you're in the greater Denver area there, Hoff.

I'm just going to give you the title of the sketch.

It's called the Danquil Spelling Bee. The jokes write themselves.

Do one.

Here it is.

I'm done with my parenting class. Where's my baby?

I'm happy for you, Lois, but don't let this happen again.

He ran out of diapers, so he's wearing a Walgreens bag.

Oh, Stewie, I am so happy to have you back.

Mama's never going to let anything like this happen again, OK?

This place is a nightmare.

They don't even have a xylophone on a string that you can drag behind you.

Well, if nobody's next, I guess I'll just go again.

Now that Stewie's back, we're going to have some new rules to keep us safe.

First, it is no longer sufficient for our pets to look after our baby.

Probably the right call.

Second, kids' bedroom doors are not allowed to be closed all the way. I am

to do this, but I need you to be absolutely sure you've thought it out.

don't win this one, Mom.

I'm striking that last rule.

We are going to start using the buddy system.

If you leave, you go with your buddy.

You're okay with all these rules, Dad?

Sorry, Bud, but I agree with Mom on this stuff. I learned a lot from the Dad's

version of the parenting classes.

I also do dishes on holidays.

Okay, Stewie, Mom says no more screen time, so I'm going to read you a book.

This one is called, There's a Monster at the End of This Book. Ah!

Peter? Stewie?

Where'd you guys go?

Lois, you need to very carefully remove that book from this room. Why bring it

into the house?

Why take that chance?

Peter, enough.

Read to Stewie. I'm an introvert. I gotta recharge.

You know the rules. One of us has to be with him at all times.

Look, I can't live with all these rules. Why does Meg get to live her best life

in Denver?

Um, Congresswoman Boebert, could you please stop touching me there? I'm a

My pants are just bunched up.

If I'm going to live under Lois' rule, I've got to take a little mental escape.

Brian's got to have some loose gummies in here somewhere.

Oh, Bri, you beautiful scumbag.

Ooh, sativa. That means nothing to me or anyone.

Whoa.

Peter, where are you?

Relax, I just went to the bathroom.

Relax? Stewie is unattended in front of the TV. He could easily turn into

something terrible, like... Paramount Plus.

Lois, you've got to relax.

What would Dr. Cosby do in this situation?

You put the plop in the drink, go fish, fish, and make her go slippity -floppity

-floop.

Of course. Thank you, Dr. Cosby.

May I go to the bathroom, warden? You just went.

I do different stuff every time.

Hmm. This chewy zen is excellent.

It's close to hitting that corner.

Yeah, it's going to hit it on the next one.

You can talk?

You can understand me?

Oh, I've been waiting a long time to say this. Here goes.

Please stop buying the cheap baby wipes. They tear me up. Ah.

Oh, great.

Your first words to me are a grocery critique.

Hey, guess what?

I think Baby Shark is a terrible song, and Dora sucks.

All right, all right. We've clearly gotten off on the wrong foot here. Let's

start over. Hi, Stewie Griffin.

I just... I can't believe you can talk.

Not only can I talk.

I am the very model of a modern major general. Live information, vegetable,

animal, and mineral. I know the kings of England, and I quote the fight

historical. From Marathon to Waterloo, it order categorical.

I love this.

Did Peter do this once?

He mumbled his way through it, but yeah. I don't understand how we're talking.

Probably because we're both zonked.

I would never do that in front of my baby.

Okay, then tell me something about the Dave Matthews Band.

Carter Beauford is the best drummer of his generation. Oh, my God, I am zonked.

So I, uh, found some gummies in Bri's car and dosed us both.

Are you mad?

Well, I should be, but this is kind of awesome.

I'm talking to my baby.

Honestly, if I were you, I'd do this all the time. You put up with a lot.

Really? You think so?

I mean, yes. Look at Peter. He treats you like garbage and does zero to help

out. Why do you let him do that?

Oh, you are getting right in there.

Well, it's tough.

You know, you commit to somebody for life when you're like 19 and you know

nothing. Damn.

Yeah. And it may be hard to believe, but when he was 19, Peter was stunning.

I mean, weirdly, I can see it.

Besides, he...

He's going to be dead in a couple of years anyway. By then, my trust fund

vest, and I'm going to be playing in a whole different league.

Oh, that's good. Okay, good. You've got a plan. That's cool. That's cool.

Hey, what's the story with Chris? It just doesn't seem like he's, how do I

this, thriving, you know? I fell down an escalator when I was pregnant with him.

He totally has an escalator head vibe.

Yeah.

We tried to sue the mall, but then the mall just closed.

Remember malls?

You know Brian loves you, right?

Yeah, I know.

No, like he really loves you. I know, I know. I don't quite know how to handle

it, but he's such a good boy.

And he'll be dead in a couple of years.

Oh, you are one twisted lady.

You should try out for the capital stamp.

What's that?

I don't know. It's weird at the Swanson's.

Oh, my God. What if we did an adventure together?

Oh, yes. I know the perfect thing for this vibe. Watch The Big Lebowski at a

small theater by a college.

Okay.

Do you think I'll like it? You'll think it's fine. All women think it's fine.

Huh. Wouldn't you think John Goodman would be The Big Lebowski?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, that's good.

I have a million of these thoughts a day. Who am I supposed to tell them to?

Freaking Bonnie?

Can I say something?

Bonnie's not pretty enough to be as mean as she is.

Yes! That!

That! I'm really enjoying being on drugs with you. I don't know why people say

drugs are bad. Oof, ooh, bad time for Philip Seymour Hoffman to show up.

I can't stop thinking about the girl who sold us the tickets and then had to run

and make the popcorn.

Yeah, and I saw a broom by the popcorn maker, so you know she's putting on one

more hat.

I'm still hungry.

I'm starving.

We gotta go to IHOP, right? Have to.

Thank you so much.

We had such a nice time.

You know our waitress was the girl from the movie theater, right?

Yeah, I couldn't look up.

Nobody's rooting for her harder than me, but you just know she's not getting our

order right.

Yeah, just write it down. God.

Okay, real talk.

Sometimes... I get the feeling that I might love you more than you love me,

which is fine.

You're not wrong. Honestly, I can't believe I'm saying this, but there was a

time when I actually wanted to kill you.

What? Why would you want to do that?

Maybe because you're such a doormat. You let everyone walk all over you. Your

husband, your kids, Bonnie.

I don't understand why that would make you want to kill me.

I thought it was because I hated you, but maybe I just... wanted to put you

of your misery. I think I wanted to kill you because I came from you.

Whatever is in you must also be in me. I wanted to kill the part of myself that

scares me the most.

Wow.

You're mad at me.

must be a rabbit's favorite restaurant, right?

You're going to get us kicked out of here.

Thanks for sharing.

That was hard to hear, but it's OK.

I'm your mom, and my job is to love you to the moon and back no matter what.

Do you feel that?

Yeah, I do.

Good. Then I'm doing my job, and all you got to do is just be a kid.

We ordered omelets.

No, no, this is good, though. This is good. Better than what we ordered. Yay!

Step on the crack, break your mama's back.

No, I'm just joking. I'm not gonna.

No, you can.

It's just a silly game.

Okay.

Ow! Mama!

Mama! I'm sorry!

Gotcha!

Mom, whoa, where has this Lois been?

Yeah, I should let her come out more.

I didn't used to be so uptight, you know? I used to be crazy and fun.

Really? I shouldn't be telling you this, but once in college, this is nuts, but

my friends and I, we stayed up till one in the morning playing Jimmy Crack Corn

with spoons on the bathroom sinks.

Okay?

Yeah. It was just, like, really crazy.

Hey, we should get back at Bonnie for how mean she always is to you.

Yes. I'll go get spoons. Do you know Jimmy Crackhorn? I can teach you. We'll

sing it so loud.

No, no. Just follow my lead.

Bonnie gives you crap. We give her crap.

Griffin style.

I'm not going to be able to go.

Mom? I've known you since I was a baby. You try too hard with everything.

You're wound so tightly. Just let it go, babe. Just let it go.

I did it. I just let it go.

Yes, the movie Popcorn and IHOP probably get an assist.

What a night.

We should go on a trip, like to Tuscany or something.

Oh, like an eat, pray, love.

Yeah, like a mom and son paschetti trip.

Want another Oreo?

Gotcha!

You remember your Oreo tantrum earlier?

You know, my tantrums are never about the thing they're about.

What do you mean?

It's a generalized lack of control. I have no autonomy. I'm on everyone else's

schedule. Stewie, I see you, I hear you, and I feel the same way. All adults do.

They do? I mean, I'm not strapped in a car seat, but I may as well be. Every

day, it's shopping, chores, cleaning, repeat.

So it's not just me?

Thanks, Mom.

Oh, I love you, sweetie.

So, you're not going to kill me, right?

Not any time soon.

Joe, why are there three human poos on our lawn?

Two of them aren't mine.

Why am I on the floor?

Why are you here? Why am I in Stewie's room? I don't remember anything.

This is like the hangover with Justin Bartha.

Nobody thinks of it like that.

Oh, there you are.

I have no memory of what happened last night.

Yet I have the strangest feeling that Stewie and I, we shared something

Pancakes, please.

Yes, it's strange, Rupert, but I feel the same way. Something changed with us.

think this is a whole new beginning.

Uh -uh -uh, too early, little guy.

Oh, my God, what is wrong with you? It's just Oreos.

Well, I guess we'll always have whatever last night was.

We're out of your Tom's of Maine rough and dry baby wipe. I'll order more.

I'm gonna kill her.