All language subtitles for Family.Guy.S24E01.1080p.WEB.h264-EDITH[EZTVx.to]

It seems today that all you see is
violence in movies and sex on TV.

But where are those good old -fashioned
values on which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy.

Lucky there's a man who finds a new man
who holidays with me.

Laugh and cry.

He's a family guy.

Welcome to Quahog's first recreational
dispensary.

Now, as you all know, I was against
this. I fought it tooth.

Maybe I should have also fought it nail.

But that time is gone.

Settle down. There's enough drugs for
everybody.

Wow, Quahog has a lot more white guys
with blonde dreadlocks than I thought.

And a fair number of black ladies with
the blonde dreadlocks guys.

Cleveland, what do you think about that?
We don't like to talk about it, Peter.

It's a big problem in our community.

It's just, you should know, in the white
community, these guys are kind of

considered, like, big -time rascals.
We're aware.

It's being handled. There was just a big
Zoom about it. Maybe you could... We're

going to go ahead and deal with this one
in -house.

How you doing?

There is a plan.

That's all I need to know.

Is that cinnamon toast crunch in witness
protection when I'm at breakfast?

Susie and I saw you unloading groceries
and wanted to let you know if you need

to borrow reusable bags, I have a bunch.

And, you know, you can't soak cast iron
skillets, right? It strips the

seasoning. Oh, Mrs. S is throwing
haymakers.

It's not soaking. I'm cooking water.

Oreos. Here we go, baby.

I want Oreos.

Hey, they're just Oreos. Relax.

Besides, they're not for babies.

They're for rewarding good behavior in
developmentally slow adults.

So then I was like, what if I... also
been the mailman the whole time.

Yeah, you were saying that in the car.

I know, but you didn't respond.

Let's lock these guys up in a cabinet
for a while, huh? Yeah, I think that'll

best.

Bingo!

Oh, baby, bonus candy.

Not really feeling the sugar rush.

I can feel my heartbeat in my eyes.

A good idea, Rupert. Music will help me
relax.

Okay, this is good. This is helping.

The wheels of a bus.

Go round and round.

Why should I be afraid of dying?

Wait, what? With a lunatic on the grassy
ground.

If you hear the lunatics howl, the
wheels on the

bus may start to growl. They must be
given our help,

and very soon we'll all be dead.

I wonder if this is why Ben and Jerry
started making ice cream.

Hey, grab your lunches. I know a spot.

I think I may take a gap year. You know,
hit the road.

There's something I've been searching
for for a while that I need to find.

Little guy named Stewie Griffin.

Can you hear any of this? I'm not even
trying to listen anymore. I'm thinking

about soccer.

Guys, what are you doing up here?

Big no - No, the roof is off limit.

Stewie, are you high?

Yeah, so are you. We're on the roof.

Okay, I heard that. That was funny.

We now return to a date line with a
beloved town dentist.

He did it. It was him.

Peter, we got a big problem. It appears
Stewie was high on pot at school.

Excuse me for one second.

Lois, someone's at the door for you.

Joe, why do you have Stewie?

I'm sorry to tell you this, Lois, but
apparently, Stewie was high at school.

What? It's the worst thing I've seen in
my career, and I've seen four dead

bodies. So technically, that was a zip
lining accident in Costa Rica.

Okay. Maybe not the best idea, having 13
-year -olds securing those carabiners.

Joe, I... You know, they wouldn't even
let me bring my own camera on the zip

line. Odd, right? Well, turns out they
just want to sell you their photos. I'll

take it from here, Joe. Thanks for
bringing him home. This is a serious

Lois. I have a court order to remove him
from your custody.

What? No!

Please! I'm sorry, Lois. No!

My baby!

Please!

Oh, I got to keep Stewie entertained, so
I'm going to need your iPad.

What? No, my baby.

Please.

Hey, what's going to happen with Stewie?

He's at the Swanson's until I complete
court -ordered online parenting classes.

Throwing this out there, if you want a
new baby in six months, let me know. You

got to tell me within five months.

Five and a half, Max.

So, Stewie, I know your dad is a pretty
funny guy, but I'm kind of the your dad

around here.

Yeah, Pops doesn't really talk about
being funny. He just is.

Yeah, Stewie, comedy's pretty big in
this house, too. In fact, I recently

submitted a packet to get into the
Capitol Steps. Nobody knows what that

Joe. They're pretty well known in the
political satire off -center comedy

Anybody here know if Tip O 'Neill is a
generous tipper?

They make a bit of hay about that in the
packet.

Tip O 'Neill's been dead since 1994.

Voicemail from the Capitol steps.

Hey, Joe, this is Clarky. So sorry, but
we're going to pass.

We're looking for someone more off
-center, more skewed, if that makes

That's what I am!

There's plenty of other comedy groups.

Oh, really?

Like the Capitol freaking steps!

What about... If you say the words ocean
state follies, I swear to God, I'll

empty my bag all over the floor.

Meg, please, I really need the laptop.
I'm just about done with my parenting

classes and then I can get Stewie back.

One sec, I gotta finish this mandatory
sexual harassment course today or I'm

allowed around the janitors.

True or false, it's okay to slap a man's
bottom if he knows you.

That's gotta be true.

False. I'm done.

Thanks, Meg. This has been so hard for
me.

A mama just can't be separated from her
kiddos.

Well, I'm off to Denver with a guy from
the magic shop.

Okay, see you at dinner.

Only if you're in the greater Denver
area there, Hoff.

I'm just going to give you the title of
the sketch.

It's called the Danquil Spelling Bee.
The jokes write themselves.

Do one.

Here it is.

I'm done with my parenting class.
Where's my baby?

I'm happy for you, Lois, but don't let
this happen again.

He ran out of diapers, so he's wearing a
Walgreens bag.

Oh, Stewie, I am so happy to have you
back.

Mama's never going to let anything like
this happen again, OK?

This place is a nightmare.

They don't even have a xylophone on a
string that you can drag behind you.

Well, if nobody's next, I guess I'll
just go again.

Now that Stewie's back, we're going to
have some new rules to keep us safe.

First, it is no longer sufficient for
our pets to look after our baby.

Probably the right call.

Second, kids' bedroom doors are not
allowed to be closed all the way. I am

to do this, but I need you to be
absolutely sure you've thought it out.

don't win this one, Mom.

I'm striking that last rule.

We are going to start using the buddy
system.

If you leave, you go with your buddy.

You're okay with all these rules, Dad?

Sorry, Bud, but I agree with Mom on this
stuff. I learned a lot from the Dad's

version of the parenting classes.

I also do dishes on holidays.

Okay, Stewie, Mom says no more screen
time, so I'm going to read you a book.

This one is called, There's a Monster at
the End of This Book. Ah!

Peter? Stewie?

Where'd you guys go?

Lois, you need to very carefully remove
that book from this room. Why bring it

into the house?

Why take that chance?

Peter, enough.

Read to Stewie. I'm an introvert. I
gotta recharge.

You know the rules. One of us has to be
with him at all times.

Look, I can't live with all these rules.
Why does Meg get to live her best life

in Denver?

Um, Congresswoman Boebert, could you
please stop touching me there? I'm a

My pants are just bunched up.

If I'm going to live under Lois' rule,
I've got to take a little mental escape.

Brian's got to have some loose gummies
in here somewhere.

Oh, Bri, you beautiful scumbag.

Ooh, sativa. That means nothing to me or
anyone.

Whoa.

Peter, where are you?

Relax, I just went to the bathroom.

Relax? Stewie is unattended in front of
the TV. He could easily turn into

something terrible, like... Paramount
Plus.

Lois, you've got to relax.

What would Dr. Cosby do in this
situation?

You put the plop in the drink, go fish,
fish, and make her go slippity -floppity

-floop.

Of course. Thank you, Dr. Cosby.

May I go to the bathroom, warden? You
just went.

I do different stuff every time.

Hmm. This chewy zen is excellent.

It's close to hitting that corner.

Yeah, it's going to hit it on the next
one.

You can talk?

You can understand me?

Oh, I've been waiting a long time to say
this. Here goes.

Please stop buying the cheap baby wipes.
They tear me up. Ah.

Oh, great.

Your first words to me are a grocery
critique.

Hey, guess what?

I think Baby Shark is a terrible song,
and Dora sucks.

All right, all right. We've clearly
gotten off on the wrong foot here. Let's

start over. Hi, Stewie Griffin.

I just... I can't believe you can talk.

Not only can I talk.

I am the very model of a modern major
general. Live information, vegetable,

animal, and mineral. I know the kings of
England, and I quote the fight

historical. From Marathon to Waterloo,
it order categorical.

I love this.

Did Peter do this once?

He mumbled his way through it, but yeah.
I don't understand how we're talking.

Probably because we're both zonked.

I would never do that in front of my
baby.

Okay, then tell me something about the
Dave Matthews Band.

Carter Beauford is the best drummer of
his generation. Oh, my God, I am zonked.

So I, uh, found some gummies in Bri's
car and dosed us both.

Are you mad?

Well, I should be, but this is kind of
awesome.

I'm talking to my baby.

Honestly, if I were you, I'd do this all
the time. You put up with a lot.

Really? You think so?

I mean, yes. Look at Peter. He treats
you like garbage and does zero to help

out. Why do you let him do that?

Oh, you are getting right in there.

Well, it's tough.

You know, you commit to somebody for
life when you're like 19 and you know

nothing. Damn.

Yeah. And it may be hard to believe, but
when he was 19, Peter was stunning.

I mean, weirdly, I can see it.

Besides, he...

He's going to be dead in a couple of
years anyway. By then, my trust fund

vest, and I'm going to be playing in a
whole different league.

Oh, that's good. Okay, good. You've got
a plan. That's cool. That's cool.

Hey, what's the story with Chris? It
just doesn't seem like he's, how do I

this, thriving, you know? I fell down an
escalator when I was pregnant with him.

He totally has an escalator head vibe.

Yeah.

We tried to sue the mall, but then the
mall just closed.

Remember malls?

You know Brian loves you, right?

Yeah, I know.

No, like he really loves you. I know, I
know. I don't quite know how to handle

it, but he's such a good boy.

And he'll be dead in a couple of years.

Oh, you are one twisted lady.

You should try out for the capital
stamp.

What's that?

I don't know. It's weird at the
Swanson's.

Oh, my God. What if we did an adventure
together?

Oh, yes. I know the perfect thing for
this vibe. Watch The Big Lebowski at a

small theater by a college.

Okay.

Do you think I'll like it? You'll think
it's fine. All women think it's fine.

Huh. Wouldn't you think John Goodman
would be The Big Lebowski?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, that's good.

I have a million of these thoughts a
day. Who am I supposed to tell them to?

Freaking Bonnie?

Can I say something?

Bonnie's not pretty enough to be as mean
as she is.

Yes! That!

That! I'm really enjoying being on drugs
with you. I don't know why people say

drugs are bad. Oof, ooh, bad time for
Philip Seymour Hoffman to show up.

I can't stop thinking about the girl who
sold us the tickets and then had to run

and make the popcorn.

Yeah, and I saw a broom by the popcorn
maker, so you know she's putting on one

more hat.

I'm still hungry.

I'm starving.

We gotta go to IHOP, right? Have to.

Thank you so much.

We had such a nice time.

You know our waitress was the girl from
the movie theater, right?

Yeah, I couldn't look up.

Nobody's rooting for her harder than me,
but you just know she's not getting our

order right.

Yeah, just write it down. God.

Okay, real talk.

Sometimes... I get the feeling that I
might love you more than you love me,

which is fine.

You're not wrong. Honestly, I can't
believe I'm saying this, but there was a

time when I actually wanted to kill you.

What? Why would you want to do that?

Maybe because you're such a doormat. You
let everyone walk all over you. Your

husband, your kids, Bonnie.

I don't understand why that would make
you want to kill me.

I thought it was because I hated you,
but maybe I just... wanted to put you

of your misery. I think I wanted to kill
you because I came from you.

Whatever is in you must also be in me. I
wanted to kill the part of myself that

scares me the most.

Wow.

You're mad at me.

must be a rabbit's favorite restaurant,
right?

You're going to get us kicked out of
here.

Thanks for sharing.

That was hard to hear, but it's OK.

I'm your mom, and my job is to love you
to the moon and back no matter what.

Do you feel that?

Yeah, I do.

Good. Then I'm doing my job, and all you
got to do is just be a kid.

We ordered omelets.

No, no, this is good, though. This is
good. Better than what we ordered. Yay!

Step on the crack, break your mama's
back.

No, I'm just joking. I'm not gonna.

No, you can.

It's just a silly game.

Okay.

Ow! Mama!

Mama! I'm sorry!

Gotcha!

Mom, whoa, where has this Lois been?

Yeah, I should let her come out more.

I didn't used to be so uptight, you
know? I used to be crazy and fun.

Really? I shouldn't be telling you this,
but once in college, this is nuts, but

my friends and I, we stayed up till one
in the morning playing Jimmy Crack Corn

with spoons on the bathroom sinks.

Okay?

Yeah. It was just, like, really crazy.

Hey, we should get back at Bonnie for
how mean she always is to you.

Yes. I'll go get spoons. Do you know
Jimmy Crackhorn? I can teach you. We'll

sing it so loud.

No, no. Just follow my lead.

Bonnie gives you crap. We give her crap.

Griffin style.

I'm not going to be able to go.

Mom? I've known you since I was a baby.
You try too hard with everything.

You're wound so tightly. Just let it go,
babe. Just let it go.

I did it. I just let it go.

Yes, the movie Popcorn and IHOP probably
get an assist.

What a night.

We should go on a trip, like to Tuscany
or something.

Oh, like an eat, pray, love.

Yeah, like a mom and son paschetti trip.

Want another Oreo?

Gotcha!

You remember your Oreo tantrum earlier?

You know, my tantrums are never about
the thing they're about.

What do you mean?

It's a generalized lack of control. I
have no autonomy. I'm on everyone else's

schedule. Stewie, I see you, I hear you,
and I feel the same way. All adults do.

They do? I mean, I'm not strapped in a
car seat, but I may as well be. Every

day, it's shopping, chores, cleaning,
repeat.

So it's not just me?

Thanks, Mom.

Oh, I love you, sweetie.

So, you're not going to kill me, right?

Not any time soon.

Joe, why are there three human poos on
our lawn?

Two of them aren't mine.

Why am I on the floor?

Why are you here? Why am I in Stewie's
room? I don't remember anything.

This is like the hangover with Justin
Bartha.

Nobody thinks of it like that.

Oh, there you are.

I have no memory of what happened last
night.

Yet I have the strangest feeling that
Stewie and I, we shared something

Pancakes, please.

Yes, it's strange, Rupert, but I feel
the same way. Something changed with us.

think this is a whole new beginning.

Uh -uh -uh, too early, little guy.

Oh, my God, what is wrong with you? It's
just Oreos.

Well, I guess we'll always have whatever
last night was.

We're out of your Tom's of Maine rough
and dry baby wipe. I'll order more.

I'm gonna kill her.