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1
00:00:01,914 --> 00:00:03,307
Previously on:
2
00:00:03,394 --> 00:00:05,266
So, what happened
between you and your girl?
3
00:00:05,353 --> 00:00:07,529
She wanted to get married, and
I'm just not sure I'm ready.
4
00:00:07,616 --> 00:00:09,400
That's the same reason
I lost Lyndsey.
5
00:00:09,487 --> 00:00:11,446
You got to get her back.
Don't make the same
mistake I did.
6
00:00:11,533 --> 00:00:13,883
I am gonna ask Lyndsey
to marry me.
7
00:00:13,970 --> 00:00:16,059
Yeah, I just have
to get a ring.I got a ring you could have.
8
00:00:16,146 --> 00:00:17,974
You must be here
to see your friend Larry,
9
00:00:18,061 --> 00:00:21,195
who is also here.
10
00:00:21,282 --> 00:00:24,633
Lyndsey MacElroy,
will you marry me?
11
00:00:24,720 --> 00:00:25,851
Yes, I will marry you!
12
00:00:25,938 --> 00:00:29,116
[Lyndsey laughing]
13
00:00:32,249 --> 00:00:33,903
What's going on down here?
14
00:00:33,990 --> 00:00:36,253
I got up to pee
and I heard moaning.
15
00:00:36,340 --> 00:00:37,428
No, you heard crying.
16
00:00:37,515 --> 00:00:40,692
[woman moans sensually on TV]
17
00:00:40,779 --> 00:00:43,043
And moaning.
18
00:00:43,130 --> 00:00:45,436
You're watching porn
at 3:00 in the morning?
19
00:00:45,523 --> 00:00:47,177
No, it's that
soft-core flick
20
00:00:47,264 --> 00:00:49,440
that Lyndsey made
back in the '90s,
21
00:00:49,527 --> 00:00:51,790
Cinnamon's Buns.
22
00:00:51,877 --> 00:00:55,185
Nothing brings me back
like hearing her fake an orgasm.
23
00:00:55,272 --> 00:00:57,970
Oh, listen, I know
that breakups are hard, but...
24
00:00:58,058 --> 00:01:00,712
Uh, please tell me
those were for crying.
25
00:01:01,887 --> 00:01:03,541
Oh, yes, yes, uh, yes.
26
00:01:03,628 --> 00:01:05,543
Uh, uh, crying, yes,
very upset, very upset, yes.
27
00:01:05,630 --> 00:01:08,068
Wow, you know, you're
a classy guy, Alan.
28
00:01:08,155 --> 00:01:09,939
It's hard to understand
why she accepted
29
00:01:10,026 --> 00:01:12,681
Larry's proposal and not yours.
30
00:01:12,768 --> 00:01:15,510
Technically, I never
actually proposed.
31
00:01:15,597 --> 00:01:18,382
What?Well, when I got there
he was already doing it,
32
00:01:18,469 --> 00:01:21,559
so I just figured I'd chalk
this one up as another loss
33
00:01:21,646 --> 00:01:22,386
and move on.
34
00:01:22,473 --> 00:01:25,824
Universe: 82,223;
35
00:01:25,911 --> 00:01:27,565
Alan: 12.
36
00:01:27,652 --> 00:01:29,393
Come on, you're exaggerating.
37
00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:31,656
You have not had 12 victories.
38
00:01:31,743 --> 00:01:33,919
Yes, I have.
39
00:01:34,006 --> 00:01:37,445
Uh, my son, plus the
number of years I've
lived here rent-free.
40
00:01:37,532 --> 00:01:39,403
I can't believe
you just stood there
41
00:01:39,490 --> 00:01:41,449
while another guy
proposed to your girl
42
00:01:41,536 --> 00:01:42,885
and you didn't say anything.
43
00:01:42,972 --> 00:01:44,887
There's nothing
I can do about it.
44
00:01:44,974 --> 00:01:47,455
Larry's the one
frosting her muffins now.
45
00:01:47,542 --> 00:01:51,633
Have we learned nothing
from Cinnamon's Buns?
46
00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:53,983
She told Master Baker no
47
00:01:54,070 --> 00:01:55,071
five times!
48
00:01:55,158 --> 00:01:57,117
Did he listen? No!
49
00:01:59,815 --> 00:02:02,644
No, the only reason Lyndsey
settled for Larry
50
00:02:02,731 --> 00:02:04,994
is 'cause she didn't know
she could settle for you!
51
00:02:05,081 --> 00:02:07,692
You're right. I mean,
you're a handsome billionaire,
52
00:02:07,779 --> 00:02:09,085
and yousettled for me.
53
00:02:09,172 --> 00:02:11,870
She's just a-a-a divorced,
54
00:02:11,957 --> 00:02:13,481
middle-aged lush...
55
00:02:14,699 --> 00:02:16,614
...of my dreams.
56
00:02:16,701 --> 00:02:19,095
That's the spirit!
Now, get up and...
57
00:02:19,182 --> 00:02:20,966
wash your hands and...
58
00:02:21,053 --> 00:02:22,794
burn this couch,
and go get your...
59
00:02:22,881 --> 00:02:24,448
surprisingly flexible
girlfriend back.
60
00:02:24,535 --> 00:02:26,929
You're right, you're right.
Thanks, Walden.
61
00:02:27,016 --> 00:02:28,844
LYNDSEY [on video]:
Oh, Master Baker,
62
00:02:28,931 --> 00:02:31,760
would you like to watch while
I train this lovely young maiden
63
00:02:31,847 --> 00:02:33,762
to churn your butter?
64
00:02:33,849 --> 00:02:36,591
Maybe one more scene.
65
00:02:36,678 --> 00:02:39,855
This is a pivotal
part of the film.
66
00:02:39,942 --> 00:02:42,118
You might need this.
67
00:02:42,205 --> 00:02:47,036
This scene's
a real tear... jerker.
68
00:02:47,123 --> 00:02:50,039
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
69
00:02:50,126 --> 00:02:52,868
♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
70
00:02:58,047 --> 00:03:00,658
Hey, Berta,
how about a cup of coffee?
71
00:03:00,745 --> 00:03:02,182
No, thanks, I just had a cup.
72
00:03:04,314 --> 00:03:06,403
I don't know why
you keep her on payroll.
73
00:03:06,490 --> 00:03:09,667
Says the guy I pay
to be my assistant.
74
00:03:09,754 --> 00:03:11,234
Oh, oh, that's still a thing?
75
00:03:11,321 --> 00:03:14,019
Oh, oh, cup of joe
coming right up, boss.
76
00:03:14,106 --> 00:03:16,152
Hey, what are you
doing there?
77
00:03:16,239 --> 00:03:19,851
I'm making breakfast
in bed for Brooke.
78
00:03:19,938 --> 00:03:21,026
Hey, what tastes good on boobs?
79
00:03:21,113 --> 00:03:23,159
Pineapple rings are always fun.
80
00:03:23,246 --> 00:03:26,118
Yeah. You get the room
nice and cold, and you
play ring toss.
81
00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:29,513
Yeah, and with
Brooke's bad boys, you could...Hey.
82
00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:31,211
Omaha! Omaha!
83
00:03:34,083 --> 00:03:35,606
What? Hmm?
84
00:03:35,693 --> 00:03:37,913
Nothing. We weren't talking
about your boobs.
85
00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:40,916
Why not? You stare
at 'em enough.
86
00:03:41,003 --> 00:03:42,091
[laughs]:
What?
87
00:03:43,571 --> 00:03:44,224
[laughing]:
I don't... I never...
88
00:03:44,311 --> 00:03:46,400
I'm sorry.
89
00:03:47,705 --> 00:03:48,967
Where are you going?
90
00:03:49,054 --> 00:03:50,230
I got to get to work.
91
00:03:50,317 --> 00:03:51,709
You can't leave--
breakfast sex
92
00:03:51,796 --> 00:03:53,885
is the most important meal
of the day.
93
00:03:53,972 --> 00:03:55,844
Sorry. Mwa!
I'll call you later, okay, babe?
94
00:03:56,888 --> 00:03:58,542
No worries.
95
00:03:58,629 --> 00:04:00,196
Call me whenever you can.
Oh, God, she's dumping me.
96
00:04:02,024 --> 00:04:03,155
What are you talking about?
97
00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:04,940
Didn't you just hear that?
98
00:04:05,027 --> 00:04:06,811
She's "going to work."
99
00:04:06,898 --> 00:04:09,553
Okay, I know no one in this
house is familiar with it,
100
00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:13,122
but "going to work"
is an actual thing.
101
00:04:13,209 --> 00:04:17,082
It's kind of like "paying rent."
102
00:04:20,085 --> 00:04:21,652
It's not just that, it's...
103
00:04:21,739 --> 00:04:23,785
it's been forever
since we've had sex.
104
00:04:23,872 --> 00:04:25,090
Well, how long is forever?
105
00:04:25,177 --> 00:04:26,570
Two days!
106
00:04:26,657 --> 00:04:29,269
I hate you.
107
00:04:29,356 --> 00:04:30,531
Come on, you and Brooke
are great together.
108
00:04:30,618 --> 00:04:32,489
She's not breaking up with you.
109
00:04:32,576 --> 00:04:34,230
Uh, then again,
maybe she is slipping away,
110
00:04:34,317 --> 00:04:36,014
and you're just gonna have
to face the possibility
111
00:04:36,101 --> 00:04:37,755
of being alone
for the rest of your life.
112
00:04:37,842 --> 00:04:38,974
[sobbing gasp]
113
00:04:39,931 --> 00:04:40,758
Oh, my God!
114
00:04:40,845 --> 00:04:42,412
[Jenny sobbing]
115
00:04:42,499 --> 00:04:44,545
What the hell's
the matter with you?
116
00:04:44,632 --> 00:04:45,720
Why would you say that to her?
117
00:04:45,807 --> 00:04:47,374
I'm just trying to prepare her
118
00:04:47,461 --> 00:04:49,245
for-for the harsh realities
of real life.
119
00:04:49,332 --> 00:04:52,204
I mean, who else is gonna do it,
her father? He's dead, Walden!
120
00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:55,338
Why are you even here?
I thought you were
121
00:04:55,425 --> 00:04:56,992
gonna go win Lyndsey back.
122
00:04:57,079 --> 00:04:58,689
It's early.
I want to win her back,
123
00:04:58,776 --> 00:04:59,299
but I don't want to spend
the whole day with her.
124
00:05:03,041 --> 00:05:05,043
[doorbell rings]
125
00:05:07,916 --> 00:05:09,047
Alan.
126
00:05:09,134 --> 00:05:11,789
Lyndsey MacElroy, I love you.
127
00:05:11,876 --> 00:05:13,878
You are my world.
128
00:05:13,965 --> 00:05:17,404
I want you to spend
the rest of your life with me.
129
00:05:17,491 --> 00:05:19,449
And Walden.
130
00:05:19,536 --> 00:05:20,450
You're-you're kidding, right?
131
00:05:20,537 --> 00:05:22,583
I'm engaged to Larry.
132
00:05:22,670 --> 00:05:24,628
That's not fair.
I mean, if I hadn't stopped
133
00:05:24,715 --> 00:05:27,283
at that gas station to poop,
I would have been here first.
134
00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:29,894
Alan, don't.
135
00:05:29,981 --> 00:05:31,243
Maybe this will change
your mind.
136
00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:33,158
Oh, Alan, it doesn't matter
137
00:05:33,245 --> 00:05:34,508
what kind of ring...
138
00:05:34,595 --> 00:05:37,902
Holy crap, that thing's huge!
139
00:05:37,989 --> 00:05:38,338
That's what shesaid.
[chuckles]
140
00:05:40,514 --> 00:05:42,124
I know, not the right time.
What do you say?
141
00:05:42,211 --> 00:05:45,127
I say I'm marrying Larry.
142
00:05:45,214 --> 00:05:46,302
But why?He loves me.
143
00:05:46,389 --> 00:05:48,391
Not as much as I do.
144
00:05:48,478 --> 00:05:49,784
He has his own house.
145
00:05:49,871 --> 00:05:50,959
I...
146
00:05:51,046 --> 00:05:52,700
love you.
147
00:05:52,787 --> 00:05:54,658
I'm sorry, Alan.
148
00:05:54,745 --> 00:05:57,574
You-you really think Larry can
make you happier than I can?
149
00:05:57,661 --> 00:06:00,055
I think I made
the right decision.
150
00:06:00,142 --> 00:06:01,796
You made your bed.
151
00:06:01,883 --> 00:06:03,232
Now let's have sex in it.
152
00:06:03,319 --> 00:06:05,234
Alan.
153
00:06:05,321 --> 00:06:08,106
Good-bye.
154
00:06:12,502 --> 00:06:14,809
All right.
155
00:06:14,896 --> 00:06:18,073
Universe: 82,224.
156
00:06:24,558 --> 00:06:26,560
Twenty-five.
157
00:06:29,171 --> 00:06:30,390
[sighs]
158
00:06:39,181 --> 00:06:40,922
Alan.
159
00:06:41,009 --> 00:06:42,227
Hi, Judith.
160
00:06:42,314 --> 00:06:43,533
What are you doing here?
161
00:06:43,620 --> 00:06:45,492
Oh, God, what did Jake do?
162
00:06:45,579 --> 00:06:47,929
Please tell me the Army didn't
let him drive a tank again.
163
00:06:48,016 --> 00:06:49,670
No, no, nothing's
wrong with Jake.
164
00:06:49,757 --> 00:06:51,846
Well, nothing newwrong.
165
00:06:51,933 --> 00:06:53,761
Then what's going on?
Is everything okay?
166
00:06:53,848 --> 00:06:56,328
Uh, it's just that I've been
having a really rough day,
167
00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:58,330
and I needed to see
a friendly face.
168
00:06:58,418 --> 00:07:00,507
And you picked me?
169
00:07:00,594 --> 00:07:02,422
There's that friendly face.
170
00:07:02,509 --> 00:07:04,685
I'm sorry.
Why don't you come on in.
171
00:07:04,772 --> 00:07:06,034
I just opened a bottle of wine.
172
00:07:06,121 --> 00:07:07,688
Thanks.Wait.
173
00:07:07,775 --> 00:07:08,906
You don't need money, do you?
174
00:07:08,993 --> 00:07:10,908
No, not at all.Okay, good.
175
00:07:10,995 --> 00:07:13,171
Wait, are you offering?
176
00:07:18,873 --> 00:07:21,310
[chuckles]:
Whoa, nice blanket.
177
00:07:21,397 --> 00:07:23,399
What's with the cat lady
starter kit?
178
00:07:23,486 --> 00:07:25,314
It's my bad-news blanket.
179
00:07:25,401 --> 00:07:27,621
My mom gave it to me
when I was a kid.
180
00:07:27,708 --> 00:07:29,100
I know what
you're saying.
181
00:07:29,187 --> 00:07:31,189
I have a bad-news bong.
182
00:07:31,276 --> 00:07:33,975
And a good-news bong.
183
00:07:34,062 --> 00:07:36,760
And a watching-the-news bong.
184
00:07:36,847 --> 00:07:40,242
I guess what I'm saying is,
I like to get high.
185
00:07:40,329 --> 00:07:42,331
This about Brooke?She blew me off again.
186
00:07:42,418 --> 00:07:44,942
She was supposed
to come over after work,
187
00:07:45,029 --> 00:07:47,554
but she said she was tired.
188
00:07:47,641 --> 00:07:51,383
Not having sex with me
must be exhausting.
189
00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:52,428
Look... Jenny,
190
00:07:52,515 --> 00:07:55,257
in any relationship,
191
00:07:55,344 --> 00:07:56,693
it's normal for there to be
192
00:07:56,780 --> 00:07:58,652
a lull in the bedroom
after a while.
193
00:07:58,739 --> 00:08:00,001
Does the sex come back?
194
00:08:00,088 --> 00:08:02,438
[laughs]
You're cute.
195
00:08:02,525 --> 00:08:06,311
But it does help
if you do romantic stuff.
196
00:08:06,398 --> 00:08:07,661
Like what?
197
00:08:07,748 --> 00:08:09,227
Surprise her.
Be spontaneous.
198
00:08:09,314 --> 00:08:11,186
Let her know
that you appreciate her.
199
00:08:11,273 --> 00:08:13,405
I guess I could send flowers
to her work.
200
00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:16,408
Ugh! That's so gay.
201
00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:19,324
Well, these are the kinds
of things we have to do
202
00:08:19,411 --> 00:08:21,588
as a relationship evolves.
203
00:08:21,675 --> 00:08:22,676
See,
204
00:08:22,763 --> 00:08:25,069
sex becomes companionship,
205
00:08:25,156 --> 00:08:29,030
and companionship
becomes commitment.
206
00:08:29,117 --> 00:08:31,467
Commitment...
becomes complacency, which...
207
00:08:31,554 --> 00:08:33,513
gives way to contempt.
208
00:08:36,167 --> 00:08:40,215
Until you find yourself longing
for the sweet release of death.
209
00:08:40,302 --> 00:08:41,825
Yikes.
210
00:08:41,912 --> 00:08:43,827
I'm gonna go get
my bad-news bong.
211
00:08:43,914 --> 00:08:45,873
[clears throat softly]
212
00:08:47,614 --> 00:08:49,354
Oh, my God, oh, my God.
Uh, you remember, uh,
213
00:08:49,441 --> 00:08:52,749
Jake's seventh grade
science project?
214
00:08:52,836 --> 00:08:55,056
Wait, which seventh grade?Second time.
215
00:08:55,143 --> 00:08:55,970
Oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah.
216
00:08:56,057 --> 00:08:57,711
Um, he wanted to study
217
00:08:57,798 --> 00:09:00,540
how different foods
would make his farts smell.
218
00:09:00,627 --> 00:09:03,281
Oh, yeah! He'd rip one
in Tupperware,
219
00:09:03,368 --> 00:09:05,283
seal it and label it.Mm.
220
00:09:05,370 --> 00:09:07,721
To this day, I still remember
221
00:09:07,808 --> 00:09:10,245
Brussels sprouts. Yes.Oh, Brussels sprouts. Ugh...!
222
00:09:10,332 --> 00:09:11,681
Most parents make
their kids eat vegetables.
223
00:09:11,768 --> 00:09:14,466
We made ours stop.Yeah.Right.
224
00:09:14,554 --> 00:09:16,207
And then he got rickets.
225
00:09:16,294 --> 00:09:18,253
[both cackling]
226
00:09:18,340 --> 00:09:21,735
Oh... oh, it's been
a crazy ride, hasn't it?
227
00:09:21,822 --> 00:09:22,474
Yeah.Mm.
228
00:09:24,868 --> 00:09:27,044
Hey... can I
ask you something?
229
00:09:27,131 --> 00:09:28,480
Oh, here we go.
How much?
230
00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:30,874
No, no, not that.
231
00:09:30,961 --> 00:09:32,920
What's wrong with me?
232
00:09:33,007 --> 00:09:35,836
Oh, Alan. I don't carry around
a list of your faults.
233
00:09:35,923 --> 00:09:38,490
My therapist said
it's no longer healthy.
234
00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:40,971
I'm-I'm serious.
I mean, it seems like
235
00:09:41,058 --> 00:09:43,974
every relationship
I've ever been in
I've screwed up.
236
00:09:44,061 --> 00:09:46,107
Oh. Look, a marriage
doesn't fail
237
00:09:46,194 --> 00:09:48,022
because of one
person screwing up.
238
00:09:48,109 --> 00:09:49,589
I screwed up twomarriages.Oh, yeah,
239
00:09:49,676 --> 00:09:53,244
yeah, you're right--
you're a two-time loser.
240
00:09:53,331 --> 00:09:56,465
Uh, but at least I have Walden;
I mean, you've got nobody.
241
00:09:56,552 --> 00:09:59,033
Oh, we're being
honest now?
242
00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:00,948
Herb's penis is
bigger than yours.
243
00:10:01,035 --> 00:10:05,039
[chuckles]
I'd forgotten how good
you are at this.
244
00:10:05,126 --> 00:10:06,867
Ha-ha...
245
00:10:06,954 --> 00:10:08,956
I have missed you.
246
00:10:09,043 --> 00:10:10,784
I mean, you know,
not the constant verbal abuse
247
00:10:10,871 --> 00:10:12,612
that left me
a crippled shell of a man.
248
00:10:12,699 --> 00:10:14,701
But we could always
make each other laugh.
249
00:10:14,788 --> 00:10:16,485
Oh. You could never
find my G-spot,
250
00:10:16,572 --> 00:10:18,530
but you could always
find my funny bone.
251
00:10:18,618 --> 00:10:20,184
[laughing]:
Aw...
Oh...
252
00:10:20,271 --> 00:10:21,882
I'm just kidding.
253
00:10:21,969 --> 00:10:23,927
I've missed you, too.Mm-hmm.
254
00:10:28,366 --> 00:10:29,672
Mmm...
255
00:10:29,759 --> 00:10:31,761
Oh, yeah, this is, uh...
256
00:10:31,848 --> 00:10:33,981
This is probably a bad idea.
257
00:10:34,068 --> 00:10:35,330
Definitely.
Yeah, yeah.
258
00:10:37,985 --> 00:10:38,550
[sniffles]
259
00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:40,901
[sighs]
260
00:10:40,988 --> 00:10:42,250
Oh.
261
00:10:42,337 --> 00:10:44,339
[both moaning]
262
00:10:45,688 --> 00:10:48,473
Let's look for that G-spot.
263
00:10:48,560 --> 00:10:50,824
Or... how about
you look for mine?
264
00:10:50,911 --> 00:10:52,869
Mmm. Mmm.
265
00:11:03,532 --> 00:11:05,839
Oh, God.
266
00:11:05,926 --> 00:11:08,798
What did we do?
267
00:11:08,885 --> 00:11:10,844
Mmm.
268
00:11:12,323 --> 00:11:14,804
Oh, God, what did Ido?
269
00:11:14,891 --> 00:11:16,893
♪ Men.♪
270
00:11:20,549 --> 00:11:22,769
♪ Men.♪
271
00:11:29,601 --> 00:11:31,516
[grunts quietly]
272
00:11:31,603 --> 00:11:33,301
Come on.
273
00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:39,960
[sighs]
God.
274
00:11:40,047 --> 00:11:42,049
[whispering]:
What did we do last night?
275
00:11:48,533 --> 00:11:51,188
More!
276
00:11:51,275 --> 00:11:53,277
Oh, God.
277
00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:03,723
[sighs]
278
00:12:08,379 --> 00:12:10,338
Oh. Oh.
279
00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:21,131
[mutters]
280
00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:32,099
[panting]
281
00:12:33,361 --> 00:12:35,102
[ringtone plays]
282
00:12:35,189 --> 00:12:38,670
Well, well, well, someone never
made it home last night.
283
00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:42,500
Am I speaking
with an engaged man?
284
00:12:42,587 --> 00:12:45,460
I think you might be.
285
00:12:45,547 --> 00:12:47,331
[laughs]
That's great.
286
00:12:47,418 --> 00:12:48,463
Hey, what'd Lyndsey say
when you showed her the ring?
287
00:12:48,550 --> 00:12:50,030
That thing is huge.
288
00:12:50,117 --> 00:12:51,379
That's what she said.
289
00:12:51,466 --> 00:12:53,381
That's what I said!
290
00:12:53,468 --> 00:12:56,645
She also said
she's staying with Larry.
291
00:12:56,732 --> 00:12:58,125
What? I thought
you said you were engaged.
292
00:12:58,212 --> 00:13:00,518
I am. To Judith.
293
00:13:00,605 --> 00:13:03,608
What, your ex-wife?
294
00:13:03,695 --> 00:13:05,741
Whoa. What the hell happened?
295
00:13:11,965 --> 00:13:12,879
Well, it's all kind of sketchy.
296
00:13:12,966 --> 00:13:15,142
We had a lot to drink.
297
00:13:15,229 --> 00:13:17,187
Well, I-I've had
a lot to drink before,
298
00:13:17,274 --> 00:13:19,494
but I've never got engaged
to my ex-wife.
299
00:13:19,581 --> 00:13:21,061
Okay, maybe I'm being selfish,
300
00:13:21,148 --> 00:13:22,845
but I'd like
to talk about me right now.
301
00:13:22,932 --> 00:13:25,195
Jyndsey?
Hmm?
302
00:13:25,282 --> 00:13:27,284
Ludith.
303
00:13:27,371 --> 00:13:29,634
Will you Larry me?
304
00:13:29,721 --> 00:13:32,594
Let me ask you something.
305
00:13:32,681 --> 00:13:34,726
Um, do you think
Judith would be more upset,
306
00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:37,207
uh, to wake up
and find she's engaged to me,
307
00:13:37,294 --> 00:13:39,819
or to wake up
and find she's missing a finger?
308
00:13:39,906 --> 00:13:42,691
Okay, look, I'm sure
that she got tipsy
309
00:13:42,778 --> 00:13:43,997
and caught up
in the moment, too,
310
00:13:44,084 --> 00:13:45,607
and if you're just
honest with her,
311
00:13:45,694 --> 00:13:47,957
she'll probably be relieved.
312
00:13:48,044 --> 00:13:49,698
What if she isn't?
313
00:13:49,785 --> 00:13:51,352
I mean, how do I get her
to want out of marrying me?
314
00:13:51,439 --> 00:13:52,179
Be yourself?
315
00:13:52,266 --> 00:13:53,702
Worked before.
316
00:13:53,789 --> 00:13:57,619
[sighs]
317
00:14:00,448 --> 00:14:03,320
Hey, you.
318
00:14:03,407 --> 00:14:05,279
Um, uh, listen, uh, we should...
319
00:14:05,366 --> 00:14:07,020
we should really talk
about last night.
320
00:14:07,107 --> 00:14:09,457
Absolutely, but I need
to say something first.
321
00:14:09,544 --> 00:14:11,807
Things are going
to be different this time.
322
00:14:11,894 --> 00:14:14,201
I'm not going to make
the same mistakes I made before.
323
00:14:14,288 --> 00:14:15,767
And I'm going to start
by showing you
324
00:14:15,855 --> 00:14:17,769
how much I appreciate you
every single day.
325
00:14:17,857 --> 00:14:21,643
Oh, that's really sweet, but
we really should talk about...
326
00:14:21,730 --> 00:14:25,603
♪ Who we should invite
to the wedding! ♪
327
00:14:28,824 --> 00:14:31,087
Hey.
Hi.
328
00:14:31,174 --> 00:14:32,828
Guess what.
I'm taking your advice,
329
00:14:32,915 --> 00:14:36,092
and I'm surprising Brooke
with a romantic evening.
330
00:14:36,179 --> 00:14:38,790
Good. You know, I know
that's not easy for you.
331
00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:40,575
Your dad was the same way.
332
00:14:40,662 --> 00:14:44,100
His idea of romance
was a warm washcloth,
333
00:14:44,187 --> 00:14:46,668
cab fare
and a bottle of penicillin.
334
00:14:46,755 --> 00:14:51,760
Aw! So my dad wasn't just
a drunken, diseased man-whore.
335
00:14:51,847 --> 00:14:53,718
He was a gentleman.
336
00:14:53,805 --> 00:14:59,463
Charlie would be so happy
to see his little girl now.
337
00:14:59,550 --> 00:15:01,465
Of course,
he'd be even more happy
338
00:15:01,552 --> 00:15:03,728
to see the rack
on his little girl's girlfriend.
339
00:15:03,815 --> 00:15:05,600
Does she have nice boobs?
340
00:15:05,687 --> 00:15:08,342
I've never noticed.
341
00:15:08,429 --> 00:15:09,691
Hey.
342
00:15:09,778 --> 00:15:11,388
Oh, hey.
343
00:15:11,475 --> 00:15:13,869
How'd it go with Judith?
She take it okay?
344
00:15:13,956 --> 00:15:16,045
Uh, well, uh, you know,
she... uh, she...
345
00:15:16,132 --> 00:15:17,742
It was a... a little hard
for her to swallow.
346
00:15:17,829 --> 00:15:20,180
Um...
347
00:15:20,267 --> 00:15:22,443
Well, I'm just glad
you talked to her.
348
00:15:22,530 --> 00:15:23,966
Can I get my ring back?
349
00:15:24,053 --> 00:15:25,315
Uh, funny story.
350
00:15:25,402 --> 00:15:27,709
Um... she kind of kept it,
351
00:15:27,796 --> 00:15:30,930
and we're kind of
getting married.
352
00:15:31,017 --> 00:15:33,236
Alan, I thought
you were gonna talk to her.
353
00:15:33,323 --> 00:15:34,716
Uh, I did.
354
00:15:34,803 --> 00:15:35,804
Uh, we came to an...
oral agreement.
355
00:15:35,891 --> 00:15:39,068
Oh!
356
00:15:39,155 --> 00:15:40,243
Alan!
357
00:15:40,330 --> 00:15:41,462
It's my weakness.
358
00:15:41,549 --> 00:15:42,158
That and red velvet anything.
359
00:15:42,245 --> 00:15:43,855
Wait. Wait.
360
00:15:43,943 --> 00:15:45,640
This is the same woman
361
00:15:45,727 --> 00:15:47,468
that you said was so evil
362
00:15:47,555 --> 00:15:50,819
that her image didn't show up
in your wedding pictures.
363
00:15:50,906 --> 00:15:52,429
I only said that because,
at the time,
364
00:15:52,516 --> 00:15:55,128
I thought she was
the worst person I'd ever met,
365
00:15:55,215 --> 00:15:57,217
and she made my life
a living hell.
366
00:15:57,304 --> 00:15:58,479
But, you know, people change.
367
00:15:58,566 --> 00:15:59,871
It's gonna be great.
368
00:16:02,439 --> 00:16:06,530
So, Zippy's moving out,
and he's going to be miserable.
369
00:16:06,617 --> 00:16:08,271
So you have
been listening.
370
00:16:08,358 --> 00:16:10,360
Oh.
371
00:16:11,405 --> 00:16:13,320
Oh, say,
372
00:16:13,407 --> 00:16:14,538
dinner was great, Judith.
373
00:16:14,625 --> 00:16:15,975
Thank you for inviting me over.
374
00:16:16,062 --> 00:16:17,846
Of course. You're
Alan's best friend.
375
00:16:17,933 --> 00:16:18,803
Actually, you're
Alan's onlyfriend.
376
00:16:18,890 --> 00:16:21,502
[laughter]
377
00:16:21,589 --> 00:16:22,764
It's funny 'cause it's true.
378
00:16:22,851 --> 00:16:24,722
[laughter]
379
00:16:24,809 --> 00:16:26,376
Oh, honey, uh, could you pass
the potatoes, please?
380
00:16:26,463 --> 00:16:29,292
Oh, I think you've already
had plenty, doughboy. Mm.
381
00:16:29,379 --> 00:16:30,772
[high-pitched]:
Ah-ha.
382
00:16:30,859 --> 00:16:31,947
[laughs]
383
00:16:32,034 --> 00:16:34,297
Well, I have to say,
384
00:16:34,384 --> 00:16:37,561
I was shocked when Alan told me
you were getting married again.
385
00:16:37,648 --> 00:16:39,085
Oh, you were shocked?
386
00:16:39,172 --> 00:16:40,956
There was a time
when just the thought
387
00:16:41,043 --> 00:16:43,045
of being touched by his tiny,
clammy hands again
388
00:16:43,132 --> 00:16:45,004
made me throw up
in my mouth a little.
389
00:16:45,091 --> 00:16:46,309
[laughs]
390
00:16:46,396 --> 00:16:47,919
That's all ancient history.
391
00:16:48,007 --> 00:16:51,140
Yeah, if ancient history
was last Thursday.
392
00:16:51,227 --> 00:16:53,055
[Judith and Alan laugh]
393
00:16:53,142 --> 00:16:54,230
[both making kissing sound]
394
00:16:54,317 --> 00:16:55,840
Oh, isn't she great?
395
00:16:55,927 --> 00:16:58,974
No!
396
00:16:59,061 --> 00:17:00,541
She's treating you like crap.
397
00:17:00,628 --> 00:17:02,151
The only people
that get to do that
398
00:17:02,238 --> 00:17:03,979
are people
that do it out of love,
399
00:17:04,066 --> 00:17:06,025
like me and Berta and your mom.
400
00:17:06,112 --> 00:17:07,809
Okay, fine. Me and Berta.
401
00:17:08,592 --> 00:17:10,464
Okay. Me.
402
00:17:10,551 --> 00:17:11,769
It's harmless.
403
00:17:11,856 --> 00:17:13,293
It's just Judith being funny.
404
00:17:13,380 --> 00:17:15,904
Did... did you just twitch?
405
00:17:15,991 --> 00:17:20,126
No, I was just talking
about how funny Judith is.
406
00:17:20,213 --> 00:17:21,953
Okay, look me in the eye
407
00:17:22,041 --> 00:17:24,086
and tell me how much you love
Judith without twitching.
408
00:17:24,173 --> 00:17:26,132
Fine. I love Judith.
409
00:17:27,176 --> 00:17:28,873
There, I said it.
410
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:30,962
Alan.
411
00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:32,921
You cannot marry this woman.
412
00:17:33,008 --> 00:17:34,401
You deserve better.
413
00:17:34,488 --> 00:17:36,316
I mean, not much better,
but better.
414
00:17:36,403 --> 00:17:37,882
You know who I deserve?
415
00:17:37,969 --> 00:17:39,841
I deserve Lyndsey,
but I can't have her.
416
00:17:39,928 --> 00:17:41,277
She's marrying somebody else,
so I'm taking what I can get.
417
00:17:41,364 --> 00:17:43,105
That's what I do.
I'm a love scavenger.
418
00:17:43,192 --> 00:17:45,934
You're also a house scavenger
and a money scavenger
419
00:17:46,021 --> 00:17:48,632
and an underwear scavenger.
420
00:17:48,719 --> 00:17:50,591
But that doesn't mean
you have to settle.
421
00:17:50,678 --> 00:17:52,506
Yes, it does.
I don't want to die alone.
422
00:17:52,593 --> 00:17:54,247
Maybe you don't realize it,
but there aren't a lot of people
423
00:17:54,334 --> 00:17:56,075
who want to spend the rest
of their lives with me.
424
00:17:56,162 --> 00:17:58,381
Oh, no, I realize it!
425
00:18:02,385 --> 00:18:04,387
Brooke, really, we can get
a hotel for the night.
426
00:18:04,474 --> 00:18:06,085
No, no, no, Dad.
It's fine.
427
00:18:06,172 --> 00:18:07,869
I'll sleep on the couch,
and you guys stay in my room.
428
00:18:09,044 --> 00:18:11,612
Surprise!
429
00:18:11,699 --> 00:18:13,788
Who's this?
430
00:18:13,875 --> 00:18:16,660
Uh, Mom, Dad,
this is, um...
431
00:18:16,747 --> 00:18:18,314
my girlfriend, Jenny.
432
00:18:18,401 --> 00:18:21,100
It's a pleasure to meet you!
433
00:18:21,187 --> 00:18:23,450
I like her.
434
00:18:27,236 --> 00:18:29,847
Oh, hey, I was thinking,
now that Jake's gone...
435
00:18:29,934 --> 00:18:32,676
Mm?...I can turn his room
into my man-cave. You know, a
436
00:18:32,763 --> 00:18:35,070
pinball machine, flat-screen
TV, potter's wheel.
437
00:18:35,157 --> 00:18:37,681
No, that's not going to happen.
438
00:18:37,768 --> 00:18:38,682
Oh, you have
plans for it?
439
00:18:38,769 --> 00:18:40,293
No, I'm just not
440
00:18:40,380 --> 00:18:41,337
letting you get
another potter's wheel.
441
00:18:43,165 --> 00:18:44,340
[laughs]
442
00:18:44,427 --> 00:18:45,820
Judith, I have to say,
443
00:18:45,907 --> 00:18:47,561
I cannot take my eyes off
of that ring.
444
00:18:47,648 --> 00:18:49,476
I know. When I first saw it,
445
00:18:49,563 --> 00:18:50,955
I thought it was as fake
as the orgasms
446
00:18:51,042 --> 00:18:52,131
I used to have
when we were married.
447
00:18:52,218 --> 00:18:53,393
[laughs]
448
00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:54,742
That's true.
449
00:18:54,829 --> 00:18:55,612
Very unsatisfactory lover.
450
00:18:55,699 --> 00:18:57,310
[Judith laughs]
451
00:18:57,397 --> 00:18:58,441
JUDITH:
But I mean,
452
00:18:58,528 --> 00:19:00,051
what woman could say no to this?
453
00:19:00,139 --> 00:19:02,141
I can think of one.
454
00:19:04,012 --> 00:19:05,318
Can you think of one, Alan?
455
00:19:07,015 --> 00:19:08,973
Uh, what's going on?
456
00:19:09,060 --> 00:19:10,540
Oh, nothing. I'm just glad
457
00:19:10,627 --> 00:19:12,760
that you were there
to pick up the pieces
458
00:19:12,847 --> 00:19:14,240
after Lyndsey turned down
Alan's proposal.
459
00:19:14,327 --> 00:19:16,807
What?! You proposed
to her before me?
460
00:19:16,894 --> 00:19:18,113
Uh, well, technically,
uh, what I...
461
00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:19,680
Oh, you didn't know?
462
00:19:21,421 --> 00:19:22,944
This is awkward.
463
00:19:23,031 --> 00:19:28,036
Open mouth, remove pie,
insert foot.
464
00:19:28,123 --> 00:19:30,081
So, I'm your second choice?!
465
00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:32,171
No, d-doesn't matter
who was second.
466
00:19:32,258 --> 00:19:34,651
Uh, y-you were the
first to say yes!
467
00:19:35,783 --> 00:19:37,088
I will be the first
468
00:19:37,176 --> 00:19:39,917
to say yes
to seconds of this pie.
469
00:19:40,004 --> 00:19:41,005
You are unbelievable!
470
00:19:41,092 --> 00:19:42,355
No, the important thing is
471
00:19:42,442 --> 00:19:43,834
that we found
each other again.
472
00:19:43,921 --> 00:19:45,184
And you're willing
to settle for me,
473
00:19:45,271 --> 00:19:46,663
and I'm willing
to settle for you.
474
00:19:46,750 --> 00:19:47,838
Settle for this.
475
00:19:47,925 --> 00:19:49,927
Oh! God!
476
00:19:52,191 --> 00:19:55,411
I'm a good friend.
477
00:19:55,498 --> 00:19:56,325
♪ Men.♪
478
00:20:01,548 --> 00:20:03,027
Hey. How's it going?
479
00:20:03,114 --> 00:20:05,160
Good. Thanks again
for the potter's wheel.
480
00:20:05,247 --> 00:20:06,770
It's the least I could do.
481
00:20:06,857 --> 00:20:07,902
I cost you a wife.
482
00:20:07,989 --> 00:20:09,120
I'm just glad
483
00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:10,383
you, uh, came to your senses.
484
00:20:10,470 --> 00:20:12,036
Yeah, I was just scared.
485
00:20:12,123 --> 00:20:13,777
Didn't want to spend the rest
of my life alone.
486
00:20:13,864 --> 00:20:17,216
Hey, as long as I'm around,
you'll never be alone.
487
00:20:17,303 --> 00:20:18,086
Ah, thanks, buddy.
488
00:20:18,173 --> 00:20:20,088
Oh, shoot. Aah!
489
00:20:20,175 --> 00:20:22,221
Oh, here. Let me help
you out with that.
490
00:20:22,308 --> 00:20:24,266
Oh.
491
00:20:42,502 --> 00:20:45,592
[yells]
492
00:20:45,679 --> 00:20:48,029
Thank God, it was just a dream.
493
00:20:48,116 --> 00:20:51,467
Are you okay, baby?
Did you have a nightmare?
494
00:20:51,554 --> 00:20:53,904
[yells]
495
00:20:53,991 --> 00:20:58,126
[sighs]
I got to get him out of here.
496
00:20:58,213 --> 00:21:00,694
Captioning sponsored by
CBS and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION
497
00:21:00,781 --> 00:21:02,304
and TOYOTA.
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