Original subtitles

Today, I'm proud to celebrate the opening

of a thing I never heard of-

a freeway wildlife crossing.

Now here is the little girl whose pestering

has made this whatever-this-is a reality,

Lisa Simpson.

This land bridge will allow animals to migrate safely

and end the collisions that have turned our freeways

into a carcass-ridden hellscape.

[cheering]

[animals chittering, huffing]

[gasps] That's it, furry friends.

Migrate wherever your little paws, hooves,

and trotters wish to take you.

[gasping]

They're headed towards the pharmaceutical factory.

[heavy metal music playing]

-[animals bellowing] -[exclaiming]

? Bobcats on drugs ?

? Frogs on drugs ?

? Coyotes on drugs ?

? Deer on drugs...! ?

This is your crane on drugs.

The wildlife of Springfield has gone on a bad trip,

gobbling up several tons of psychiatric medication.

Snakes on antipsychotics

are befriending rats on Zoloft.

Beavers on beta-blockers are building dams

without their usual performance anxiety.

Turtles tweaking on Adderall are racing past

chilled-out rabbits on Klonopin.

Look at those turtles go.

America's back, baby.

Dad, watch the road.

Oh, right. Driving.

Okay, boy, you know the drill.

I can't get sucked into a conversation

with Milhouse's loser dad,

so you need to bail out of the car

without me coming to a full stop.

Don't push me.

I'm trying to time my jump.

-Love you, bud. -[grunts]

Aah!

Hey, buddy.

Come check out this new sprinkler I bought.

360 rotation, my friend.

[sighs]

Stuck at 90?

It was doing it this morning, I swear.

[rumbling]

[screaming]

Get in here or you'll be trampled.

Trampled, eh?

Death or Kirk?

Death?

Or Kirk?

Death it is.

[grunts]

? ?

Due to this tragic and not-at-all-my-fault stampede

of hopped-up wildlife,

all citizens are required to shelter in place,

at least until the badgers come down from the Ritalin.

[singsongy] Looks like we're having a sleepover.

Boys' night!

-Yay! -Yay!

[door closes]

Nay.

Hope everyone's hungry for spaghetti.

-Mmm! -Mmm!

And to wash it down,

the pasta water.

[both groaning]

You drink the water you boil the noodles in?

Doesn't everyone?

It's got all the nutrients.

I love my noody juice.

This family sucks.

Everything they do is different and wrong.

May I be excused to go to the bathroom?

Do you need to winkle or make?

-Ew! -Ew!

[Barney grunts softly]

[bear chuffs, moans]

[bellows softly]

[man with Russian accent] Today I show you how to

restore full rotation on sprinkler head.

Step one, remove splash plate.

Why aren't you sleeping in your bedroom?

Oh, Luann won't let me sleep in our bed

'cause of my night sweats and night farting

and also something I'm too embarrassed to talk about.

Uh-huh.

Can I get one of those saltines?

Have a whole sleeve.

I get a five percent employee discount at the cracker factory.

I took that in lieu of the pension. [chuckles]

Marge won't let me eat crackers in bed

because it makes the bed all crumby.

Oh, man. That's how it starts.

Next thing you know, you can't even take your socks off

in your own house.

[Luann] Kirk! Socks!

Mm...

Well, it's been really great having you guys.

We'll finish the jigsaw puzzle next time.

-[engine revving] -We-we got the corners.

That's the hard part!

Oh, great. Now it does a full rotation.

And they say "winkle" instead of "whiz."

Who says "winkle"?

We should. I think it's cute.

Winkle. [chuckling]

[doorbell rings]

Oh, no, it's him. I'm not here.

Oh, hi, Kirk. Are you okay?

You're not looking your most, um...

sheveled.

Uh, that's because I haven't slept in a week.

I couldn't stop thinking about how cracker crumbs

are destroying your marital bed.

Who told you that?

-Not me. -Hey, buddy. I kept wondering

about how I could save your sexless marriage.

And then some teens dropped candy apples on my car

from an overpass.

They weren't all teens.

I mean, tell us more.

When the apples hit my windshield,

the glass cracked like a spiderweb

but didn't spray any shards.

And that is when I had an epiphany-

I could use that same technology to make a crumbless cracker.

A crumbless cracker?

That's madness.

All I had to do was create a new edible polymer

and a mouth-safe adhesive.

And after working on that for 96 hours straight,

I came up with this.

Take a bite, buddy.

? ?

[muffled] It broke clean.

Kirk Van Houten,

you did something incredible.

No, Homer.

We did something incredible.

[muffled] This is big, man.

[clearly] It's just hard to wrap my head around

the idea of a cracker that doesn't crumb

and a you that doesn't suck.

Oh, yeah, I-I used to suck pretty hard, yeah.

But you brought me out of it with your brilliant insight.

And now- now I need you to take a leap of faith.

I do like faith.

It is the best way to get out of thinking about stuff.

Quit your job and partner with me

in a new, cutting-edge cracker company.

Homer?

A cracker bro?

Let's take a walk.

Picture something for me.

Imagine this street

is your whole life.

Whoa.

For a while, your existence

was pretty good.

But then things got hard

and life's crackers began to shower you

with their crumbs.

The job.

The boy.

The hair!

All those crumbs you endured were worth it,

because they led you

to a different path.

And after we walk it, you're gonna be a hero

to your family...

and to the world.

I want to share this journey with you

because you're a good man.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Tell me, do you dare wipe away

these starchy particles of shame?

Homer, will you join me

down this unknown road?

I just have one question.

If there's no crumbs,

what's that on your shirt?

Dandruff.

I'm in.

Excuse me, sir,

would you like to taste the future of bland food?

Mmm! Not bad.

And no crumbs.

Tonight I'm gonna have the cleanest beard

at the botched meth handoff.

Sisters, you got to try these.

Mmm, and no crumbs.

It's a crispy habit that won't mess up your habit.

[all] It's a miracle.

? ?

Listen up, toilet paper hoarders

and hot dog cheapskates.

The cracker revolution is here.

[cheering]

Yums, not crumbs.

Yums, not crumbs.

[all chanting] Yums, not crumbs!

Yums, not crumbs!

It's happening.

[grunts]

[gasping, murmuring]

Um, Kirk, as your doctor,

I am deeply concerned by your behavior.

[chuckles] I left you a message regarding your-

Not now, Doc.

I've got to change the world.

And no crumbs.

[cheering]

? ?

Good news.

Delta Airlines just ordered cracker sleeves

for their entire fleet.

Going crumbless is gonna save them

$1.5 million a day

in cleaning costs.

[all exclaiming]

Uh, gar�on,

how much is your most expensive bottle of wine?

Forty bucks.

Snoopy's on the bottle.

Aw, that's not good enough for my friends.

Which is why I bought this $15,000 bottle

at auction.

[gasping]

Uh, sweetheart, isn't that a little pricey?

Honey, if there's one thing I know,

it's that there will always be enough money

for everything forever.

We are eternity!

Nothing goes away.

Dad, you're being a little weird.

Oh, Milhouse, you're so wise.

And, Luann,

you're just so freakin' hot.

I wish I was that lobster bib,

just so damp and all over you.

Does Kirk seem a little...

bejazzled?

Shh, we're missing his brilliant insights.

Oh, I just love the feeling

of your sweat touching my sweat.

Mmm...

Ooh. Ooh, yeah.

Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah.

Oh, let me get a better look at you, baby.

Come here. Come here.

-Be careful. -[gasps] Honey, please.

Oh, come on, baby. Shake your Milhouse-maker.

I want to bang

the whole world!

Sixteen, 17,

18, 19...

Amazing.

I don't know what's happening with Mr. Van Houten.

It's like he's on something.

More like he's off something.

You see, Kirk suffers from bipolar disorder.

And he ran out of his meds

during the pharmaceutical shortage

caused by that horribly ill-advised wildlife crossing.

[groaning softly]

And when the drug supply returned,

Kirk refused to go back on his meds

because he felt like, quote, "Superman surfing a hurricane."

I'm afraid your friend is now well into a manic phase.

Um, Dr. Hibbert,

should you be telling us all this?

Probably not.

But I just had five mac and cheese ball martinis.

I guess doctor-patient confidentiality

doesn't stand a chance against deep-fried gin.

[giggles]

I feel terrible.

He needs to get back on his medication.

Kirk has a serious illness.

Marge, you just had a $3,000 glass of wine.

How is that an illness?

Yeah, Kirk rules.

He's like the Joker in those awesome Batman movies

where there's no Batman.

According to the DSM-5,

bipolar disorder type I

causes periods of up, elated behavior

followed by down periods of despair and hopelessness.

Guys, wait up!

I need to tell you something.

Thank you for coming, buddy.

[grunts] Really appreciate it.

I don't even live in this direction! [laughs]

Hi, Luann.

I wanted to talk about Kirk's behavior last night.

It seemed a little, uh,

unmedicated?

Oh, right. Kirk's "disorder."

It turns out there's a cure-

money.

That'll be all, Cashington.

But aren't you worried that-

That I won't be able to keep him sexually satisfied?

Of course I am.

We've made love four times today.

Five, if you count the time he took me at Panera Bread.

Why wouldn't you count that one?

Listen, Marge, I know you're only here

because you want to sleep with Kirk.

I do not.

Really? He just became a minority owner

of the Calgary Flames.

They haven't been good for years.

Aren't you at least worried

about how this could affect Milhouse?

Look at me.

I'm Daddy.

[grunting]

-[crash] -[glass shatters]

[short chuckle] That's going to be

the boarding school's problem.

[host] You're watching CNBC:

The Crackers, Nothing But Crackers Network.

I'm Harper Poppyseed,

-and this is Crunchtime Live. -[crunch]

Today, we talk with the genius behind the crumbless cracker,

Kirk Van Houten, and his cofounder, Homer Simpson.

Your Kirkers brand now controls six percent

of the national saltine market.

What are your plans for expansion?

We don't have a plan for expansion.

We have a plan for domination.

I eat skyscrapers.

Um, what my colleague is saying

is that we have a plan for measured, steady growth.

What is this thing? I hate it.

Do you mean the stock ticker?

Oh, look, it's Cheez-Its.

Oh, those cheddar chumps turned me down for a job

seven years ago.

Hey, 'Zits.

Tell me how my butt tastes.

Well, that's all the time we have.

Thanks for joining us.

Mr. Van Houten, your competitors say your product

is not all it's cracked-

Are we really gonna talk about crackers

when humanity is on the verge of extinction

and I am the only one who can save us?

[chuckles softly] Excuse me?

Once temperatures on the Earth's surface become lethal,

we need to transport citizens to the ocean floor

using a high-speed aquatic rocket.

Oh. Oh, my God.

Mr. Van Houten, your stock has plummeted over 60%

since the start of our interview.

And humanity needs to plummet

2,000 fathoms to the ocean floor.

Fund the Aqua Rocket now!

Oh. It's no longer safe for me to be here.

[yells, grunts]

Ow! It's not a real city.

Homer, I don't feel so good.

Hey, buddy.

Whatcha doing?

Checking the weather.

Gray and cloudy.

Refresh.

Gray and cloudy.

Refresh.

You know how some people think you're something called bipolar?

Not me. But this might be the other pole.

I think I'm gonna stop brushing my teeth.

This is the FBI!

We have a warrant.

Why is the FBI here?

Uh, because I stole money from the cracker company

to fund the Aqua Rocket,

and now we're being investigated by the SEC.

[gasps] The Salty Edibles Commission?

No, no, no, no!

Mm, my hand smells like cheese.

[Marge] What the hell is happening?

Well, Kirk has been stealing money from the company

to fund an underwater super boat that doesn't exist.

Well, everyone is terrified.

As soon as the FBI came in,

Bart ran upstairs.

Not the feds, not the feds.

You know how I was warning you about how Kirk was bipolar?

I was the one- Y-You didn't-

Oh!

It's okay, it's okay.

I forgive you.

I have a plan to make everything right.

What could you possibly do?

I've got to take the fall for Kirk's crimes.

Our family's in ruins!

No, no. Look, if Kirk goes to jail,

the cracker company is worthless.

But if I confess,

our shares in the business will make us rich.

No amount of money can fix this.

Not even this much?

Not even-

[gasps]

I-I-I still don't think you should do it.

Oh, there's another zero.

It doesn't matter.

Promise me you won't take the fall for Kirk.

Okay, I promise.

I'll think of another way.

Dearest Marge,

I couldn't think of another way.

[gasps loudly]

Please try not to gasp.

I'll be okay.

They'll send me to a white-collar prison

that probably has lots of DVs in their DVD library.

Kiss Lisa and Maggie and strangle the boy for me.

Love, Homer.

[the tune of "Everybody Hurts" playing]

? When your day is long ?

? And at night ?

? At night you snack alone ?

? When you're sure your hunger's gone ?

? For this life ?

? Well, pang on ?

? Don't let yourself choke ?

? Just because your mouth is dry ?

? Everybody Kirks ?

? Crumb-times ?

? Well, everybody Kirks ?

? Crumb-times ?

? When crackers taste like lies ?

? Everybody Kirks ?

? So munch on ?

? Munch on ?

? Everybody Kirks. ?

Munch on, Kirk.

I need to talk to your husband now.

Oh, look.

Kitty needs her ball of yarn.

I see you wore your sluttiest dress.

Whatever. Where is he?

Oh, Kirk, I know you're not to blame for this depression,

and I'm sorry.

[groaning]

But Homer is-

Stop eating turkey!

Bleh.

Wake up!

[howling]

Kirk, you're only supposed to use the pool shower.

Sad, Marge.

Just sad.

Homer is on his way to confess to your crimes.

You have to go to the FBI and tell them the truth.

My house is crying on me.

Dr. Hibbert gave me your pills.

God love him, but he's so unethical.

If you take these, you'll feel better.

But no one likes me when I'm regular Kirk.

When I stopped taking my meds,

everyone liked me.

I didn't. But if you ever cared

about your friendship with Homer,

take this.

[grunting, gulps]

Homer's been gone for so long.

There's no time to catch up to him before he confesses

and my family is destroyed.

Whoa. Yes, there is.

The-the Aqua Rocket.

There is no Aqua Rocket.

It only exists in your manic, psychotic mind.

? ?

Aah!

This is incredible.

Oh, I couldn't even get the color right.

The missiles don't even work.

I'm so stupid.

Is this what being manic feels like?

Yeah.

Now I get it.

Aqua Rocket?!

But I can't let you go to jail.

The world needs you.

I need you.

The person you need is manic Kirk.

And he's gone.

But we were going to walk down

the unknown road together.

Hey, hey.

We'll always have CrackerCon Cleveland.

Kirk, never forget-

you are the best dude.

["Superman" by R.E.M. playing]

-? I am ? -? I am ?

? I am Superman ?

? And I know what's happening. ?

? If you go a million miles away ?

? I'll track you down, girl ?

? Trust me when I say I know ?

? The pathway to your heart ?

? I am ?

? I am Superman ?

? And I know what's happening ?

-? I am ? -? I am ?

? I am Superman ?

? And I can't do anything. ?

Captioning sponsored by 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION

and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

Shh.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0