Original subtitles

Well, these are certainly the cleanest steps on Madison Avenue.

That's how Mr. Day wants them kept.

Good morning.

Morning.

You're here, aren't you? Just this morning.

This is the way Mr. Day gets his milk.

Get up.

Annie, be careful of this dish. It could burn your hands.

And keep the cover on till you're ready to serve them.

Mr. Daylight's muffins hot.

I'll do that.

Is the table set for breakfast?

Yes, ma 'am.

Good morning, ma 'am.

Good morning, Annie. How are you getting along?

All right, ma 'am. I hope. Now, don't be nervous just because this is your first

day. Everything's going to be all right.

But I do hope nothing goes wrong.

Oh, no, Annie. The cream and sugar go down at this end.

Oh, I thought in the center, ma 'am. Everyone could reach the maze here.

Mr. Day sits here.

Excuse me.

I didn't know where to place the napkins, ma 'am. You can tell by the

boys have their initials. C for Clarence.

He sits here.

J for John.

Here. W for Whitney. He sits over there, next to his father. And the one with

the little dog on it is Harland, of course.

He's the baby.

This narrow, plain one is mine.

And this is Mr. Dave.

It's just like mine, except that it got bent one morning.

And that reminds me, Annie.

Always have Mr. Day's coffee piping hot. And whenever Mr. Day speaks to you,

just say yes. Don't be nervous. You'll get used to him.

Oh, that beautiful rubber plant.

I'm so glad it came.

You mustn't water it every day. Too much moisture makes it very unhappy.

Oh, good morning, Mother. I thought you were still upstairs.

Good morning, Clarence. Father must be talking to himself.

A redhead.

Did you sleep well, Mother? Yes, thank you, dear.

Golly, I'm hungry.

Oh, and, Annie, we always start with fruit in the morning, except the two

younger boys who have their porridge in milk. Jiminy, another wreck on the New

Haven. That always disturbs the stock market.

Father won't like that. I do wish the New Haven would stop having wrecks if

knew how it upsets your father.

My soul and body, Clarence, what's happened to your coat?

Oh, it ripped open again. Margaret mended it for me, but it won't stay

Oh, dear.

I'll just have to speak to your father about a new suit of clothes.

Clarence, why did you take my H2S so far out of our clothes closet? I've told

you a hundred times, that closet's not to make experiments in.

Good morning, Mother.

John, have you been making those chemical smells again? No, Mother. I'm

an electric battery. It'll ring a bell and everything. You know your father

doesn't like electricity.

But, Mother, everything's going to be electricity.

Not in this house.

Oh!

The one I gave you yesterday.

It isn't pressed yet. I forgot to give it to Margaret.

I told you distinctly I wanted to wear that necktie today.

You've got plenty of neckties. Put on another one right away and come down to

breakfast. I don't know what this world's coming to.

Mother, may I have my breakfast early? I'm going to play baseball.

Three.

Whitney, before you leave the house, you have to study your catechism. But,

Mother, they're going to let me pitch today.

Seven to three. Buck Ewing in a home run. Let me see.

Boys, don't wrinkle the paper before your father sees it.

Mother, could you ask me my catechism now? I think I know it. Well, let's see.

What is your name?

Whitney Benjamin.

Who gave you your... Come and help me down, Mother.

There are steps to come down, Mom.

Good morning, darling.

Good morning, Mother.

How's your finger?

It itches. Good. That's a sign it's getting better.

See, what was I doing?

Oh, yes, the catechism.

Who gave you your name?

My sponsors at baptism, wherein I was made a member of Christ, the child of

and an inheritor of the kingdom of heaven.

Mother, if I hadn't been baptized, wouldn't I have any name? Not in the

the church.

What did your sponsors then for you?

They did promise and vow three things in my name.

Good morning, boys.

Good morning.

Good morning, Father.

Morning, Vinnie.

Have a good night? Yes, thank you, Clare.

Good. Sit down, boys.

What's that thing doing in here?

Clare, that's our new rubber plant.

Place for rubber plants is on the equator.

Take that object out, Catherine.

You're not Catherine?

No, sir.

Good. Never liked Catherine anyway.

Thank you, Clare.

Put it somewhere else. Annie, but not too near a window.

Sit down, Harlan.

Thank you, dear.

Where did that dog come from?

She'll be here, Mother. I'll talk to her.

What did you say?

Claire, that new suit looked very nice.

You blasted tight.

You put on a little weight, dear.

Why, we got the same to always have.

Well, Clarence has just managed to ruin the only decent suit he has.

I'm sorry, but I'm afraid he'll need a new suit of clothes.

Vinnie Clarence has to learn not to be so hard on his clothes.

But, Father, I thought... When you start in Yale in the fall, you'll be

completely outfitted. But nothing this summer.

Can't I have one of your old suits cut down for me?

Every suit I own still has plenty of wear in it.

I wear my clothes until they're worn out.

Well, if you want your clothes worn out, Clarence can wear them out much faster

than you can.

Yes, and Father, you never get a chance to wear yours out. Every time you get a

new batch of clothes, Mother sends the old ones to the missionary barrel.

I guess I'm just as good as any old missionary.

Clarence, before you compare yourself to a missionary, remember the sacrifices

they make.

Oh, I don't know, Vinnie.

I think my clothes would look better on Clarence than on some hottentot.

Have that dark sack suit of mine cut down a fidget. Oh, thank you, Father.

One of Father's suits.

Thank you, sir. In return for that, Clarence, I want you to practice more

on your violin.

Whitney, don't eat so fast.

Well, Father, I'm going to pitch today.

But before I go, I have to study my catechism.

What do you bother with that for?

Because if he doesn't know his catechism, he can't be confirmed.

But, Finney, Whitney's going to pitch today.

He can be confirmed any old time.

Clare, sometimes it seems to me you don't care whether your children get to

heaven or not. Oh, Whitney will get to heaven, all right.

I'll be there before you are, Whitney. I'll see that you get in.

And, Whitney, when we get to heaven, we'll organize a baseball team of our

Good.

It'd be just like you to try and run things up there.

Well, from all I've heard about heaven, it seems to be a pretty unbusinesslike

place. They could probably use a good man like me.

What makes you so sure they'll let you into heaven?

Well, if they don't, I'll certainly raise a devil of a row.

Claire, I do hope you'll behave when you get to heaven.

Now, Vinnie, what...

How many times have I asked you not to engage a maid who doesn't know how to

serve properly?

Claire, can't you see she's new and doing her best?

How can I serve myself when she's holding that platter over my head?

Hold it lower, Annie.

Yes, ma 'am.

What became of the one we had yesterday?

I don't know why you can't keep a maid.

Oh, you don't. Why on earth can't you run your house the way I run my office?

All I want is service.

What the devil's that noise?

It's Annie.

Annie? Who's Annie?

The maid. I'll take it, Annie.

Claire, aren't you ashamed of yourself?

What have I done now?

You made her cry speaking to her the way you did.

I never said a word to her.

I was addressing myself to you.

I do wish you'd be more careful.

It's hard enough to keep a maid and the uniforms just fit this one.

Where did you come from?

Who do you belong to?

He's my father.

Her name is Princess.

Looks more like a prince to me.

What's wanted?

Yes, that's healing nicely.

I guess you'll know the next time that cats don't like to be hugged.

It's all right to stroke them, but don't squeeze them.

Now go back and finish your oatmeal.

I don't like oatmeal.

Go on and finish it. It's good for you. But I don't like it.

I'll tell you what you like and what you don't like.

You're not old enough to know about such things.

You've no business not liking oatmeal.

It's good.

I hate it.

That's enough. We won't discuss it.

Eat that oatmeal at once.

that letter's for your mother.

I finished my oatmeal, Father. May I be excused? Yes, Whitney, you may go.

It's a good game.

I will.

Whitney?

Yes, Mother.

My catechism.

Never mind this morning, darling. Run along.

Thank you, Mother.

What's wanted?

Margaret, what is this?

Coffee, sir.

It is not coffee.

You couldn't possibly take water and coffee beans and arrive at that.

It's slops. That's what it is. Slops. Take it away.

I come down to this table every morning hungry. Well, if you're hungry, Claire,

why aren't you eating your breakfast?

I am.

Aunt Judith wants me to come up and visit her.

Now, Vinnie, I want no more relatives in this house.

We are going to live here by ourselves in peace and comfort.

Claire, I was saying Aunt Judith wants me to visit her.

Oh. Eat your oatmeal, dear.

What on earth is this?

Dear friend, Day.

We are assigning you the exclusive rights to Staten Island for selling the

home pop -up of popcorn.

I think that's for me, Father.

Well, then, why isn't it addressed to Clarence Day, Jr.? Oh, it is.

I wouldn't get mixed up in popcorn, Clarence. It's too indigestible.

I've found another wreck on the New Haven. If you please, ma 'am, there's a

dollar due on a package.

It's from Lewis and Conger's. Oh, yes, those kitchen knives I ordered.

Make a memorandum of that, Vinnie. One dollar and whatever it was for.

Of course, Claire.

I must have a record of what is spent running this house.

I've never understood what good a record is after the money's gone.

There's just a dollar market.

Vinnie, this house must be run on a business basis. Of course, dear. That's

the household accounts are for.

Oh, Claire, it's half past eight.

You don't want to be late at the office.

Any time.

Annie, clear the table now.

Yes, ma 'am, I'll do that.

Clarence, John.

Yes, mother?

You boys go up and move the small bureau from my room into yours. Who's coming?

Cousin Cora, and she's bringing a friend with her, a young girl. A girl?

You will have to help entertain her, Clarence. Oh, Mother, do I have to? Wait

till Father finds out we've got visitors. There'll be a rumpus. John,

criticize your father.

He's very hospitable.

After he gets used to the idea.

I like coffee, I like tea, I like the girls, and the girls like me. Well, I

don't like girls, and they don't like me.

Oh, Dad!

Go on, boys, go on.

the matter, Claire? What's wrong?

How did that get in this room? Now, Claire, how was the new maid to know?

Keep that abomination out of here. All right, I'll take it.

Oh, Claire, dear, I'm afraid I'm going to need some more money.

You were complaining about the coffee this morning. Well, that nice French

coffee pot is broken, and you know how it got broken. Never mind that, Vinnie.

As I remember, that coffee pot cost five dollars and something.

I'll give you six dollars.

When you get it, Vinnie, enter the exact amount in the ledger. Of course, Clare.

We can't go on, month after month, having the household accounts in such a

No. And I thought of a system that would make my bookkeeping perfect.

Well, I'm certainly relieved to hear that.

All we have to do is open charge accounts everywhere.

And the stores will do my bookkeeping for me.

Now, wait a minute, Vinnie. Then, when the bills come in, you'd know exactly

where your money had gone.

Yes, I certainly would.

Vinnie, we get enough bills as it is.

Claire, dear, don't you hate those arguments we have every month?

I certainly do.

Not to have those, I should think, would be worth something to you.

Well, I'll open an account at Lewis and Conger's and one at McCreary's to start

with. Thank you, Claire.

We'll see how it works out. Thank you.

Oh, the rector's coming to tea today.

The rector? Well, I'm glad you warned me. I'll go to the club.

Don't expect me home until dinner time.

Claire, dear, I do wish you'd take a little more interest in the church.

Getting me into heaven is your business, Vinnie.

If there's anything wrong with my ticket when I get there, you can fix it up.

Everybody loves you so much, I'm sure God must too.

I'll do my best, Claire.

It wouldn't be heaven without you.

If you're there, Vinnie, I'll manage to get in some way, even if I have to climb

the fence.

Come to me.

Come to me, sweet Marie.

Margaret! Margaret!

Oh, yeah!

What's the matter, Claire? What's wrong?

Why did God make so many dumb fools and Democrats?

Oh, politics.

Yes, but it's taking the bread out of our mouths.

Honest Hugh Grant.

Honest. Fine mayor you've turned out to be.

If you can't run this city without raising taxes every five minutes, you'd

better get out.

Let someone who can.

Richard Croker's running this town.

And you're just his cat's paw.

Tell me this.

Are these increased taxes going into public improvements?

Or are they going into graft?

Answer me that honestly if you can, Mr. Honest Hugh Grant. You can't. I thought

so. Bah!

You were elected to office on the promise that you would put an end to all

thievery and corruption.

Have you put an end to it? No.

You've encouraged it.

Every day there's some new raid on the public treasury.

If you don't stop thundering the pocketbooks of the good citizens of New

we're going to throw you and your boodle board of aldermen out of office.

I'm warning you for the last time.

Robbery. That's what it is. Highway robbery.

Annie. Take this fresh cup of coffee in to Mr. Day.

But Mr. Day is not a visitor.

New York City are not going to tolerate these conditions any longer.

Sooner or later you'll know.

We pay you a good round sum to watch after our interests, and all we get is

inefficiency.

I know you're an income poop, and I strongly suspect you of being a

You're not going to escape your legal responsibilities.

Legal responsibilities?

By that, I mean criminal responsibilities.

Don't think for one minute we're going to let you escape.

We're going to throw you into jail.

Annie, are you hurt?

He can't throw me into jail.

Really?

Minnie, why can't I have quiet here in the morning? Claire, what happened?

It sounded to me as though that maid dropped a whole tray of dishes. Yes, but

what did you say to her?

Say to her?

I haven't seen her since breakfast.

I'd better get to the office.

Oh, yes, Claire, you don't want to be late.

I'll be home in plenty of time for dinner.

Why don't we have chicken fricassee tonight?

Well, Claire, chicken's gone up. It's eight cents a pound.

When did ever she going dressed up like that?

Claire, you've done it again. How could you?

Could I what?

Can't you see she's leaving?

Dear, I have no time to engage a new maid. We'll have to have dinner out.

Dinner out?

Nonsense. I'll engage a new maid myself.

Claire, you can't. She has to fit the uniforms.

I'll have one here in an hour.

Goodbye, dear. Bye.

Good morning, Mrs. Day. On your way to the office? Yes, sir. Good morning. Mrs.

Day?

Morning, Mr. Day. Yeah.

Get in.

Cory, wonderful to see you.

I declare you're getting younger and prettier every year. Oh, this is Mary

Skinner. It's Skinner's daughter.

My goodness, I never would have known you.

Just leave your things out here and come right on in.

I've heard my father talk so much about you.

Did he tell you how he used to dip my pigtails in the inkwell at school?

What's the news in Pleasantville, Cora? Oh, Vinnie, I have so much to tell you.

We wrote you that Aunt Carrie broke her hip. Yes. That was the night that Robert

Ingersoll lectured. Of course, she couldn't get there, but it was a good

for Mr. Ingersoll she didn't. How do you do, Cousin Cora?

Oh, Clarence. My, my.

No, Cora, this is John.

John. Why, how you've grown.

You'll be a man before your mother.

John, this is Mary Skinner. How do you do?

How do you do?

Vinnie, everybody in Pleasantville sends their love. Grandpa Ebbets.

Cousin Edith and Hattie, the tailors. Oh, just everybody. Clara, how is

Edith? Oh, he hasn't been at all well. You know, he only has one kidney, and

that's floating.

How do you do, Cousin Clara? I'm glad to see you. This can't be Clara.

Yes, it is.

My, my.

My goodness, every time I see you boys, you've grown another foot.

Let's see. You're going to St. Paul's now, aren't you? St.

Paul's? I was through with St. Paul's long ago. I'm starting in Yale this

Yale?

Oh, Mary, this is Clarence, Mary Skinner.

How do you do?

Oh, this is Mary's first trip to New York. Yes, it is. It's her first trip.

We'll have to show Mary around.

Oh, I tell you. I'll ask Mr. Day to take us all to Delmonico's for dinner

tonight. Delmonico's? Think of that, Mary.

Delmonico's. And Cousin Clara's such a wonderful host. Well, I know you girls

want to freshen up, so come upstairs.

Clarence, get their bags.

I've given you girls Clarence's room, but he didn't know about it. Now, I

want you to give us a call. Don't you bother about us for one minute. John,

their old bags.

Oh,

you play the violin.

Well, I... I fool with it a little.

You're just being modest.

No, really, I... I play the piano.

Not awfully well, but... Now, you're being modest.

Do you ever play duets?

Well, I haven't up to now.

Neither have I.

Up to now.

didn't tell me about you.

I never met a Yale man before.

What's happened to you?

Nothing. I feel fine.

wish a domestic servant?

Where do you keep them? I will take your name and address.

Confounding. I'm late at the office now.

If you will give me the details as to what kind of person you require.

I'm asking you where you keep them.

Why, the girls are in there, but clients are not allowed in that room.

If you will tell me the kind of a position you wish to have filled, I'll

glad to...

You stand up, please.

Sir, this is quite against the rules.

I must know what you want the girl for.

I'll take that one. What's your name?

Hilda, sir.

Hilda, you go right over to 420 Madison Avenue.

I will, sir. That's all, thank you.

Sir, before I can let any girl go from this establishment, I must know the

character of the home in which she will be employed.

Madam, I am the character of my home.

My duty toward my neighbor is to love him as myself and to do unto all men

As... They should do unto me. As they should do unto me.

To... To... He really knows it. Well, he's done very well for so young a boy.

May I go now?

Yes, darling.

Thank you, Dr. Lloyd. Come on, Harlan.

Wait for me.

Ah, you and Mr. Day must be very proud of your children.

I was hoping I'd find Mr. Day at home this afternoon.

Well, he's usually home from the office by this time.

Perhaps he's gone for a gallop in the park. It's such a fine day.

He's very fond of horseback riding, I believe.

Oh, yes.

Tell me, has he ever been thrown from a horse?

Oh, no. No horse would throw Mr. Day.

I just thought he might have had some accident. I notice he never kneels in

church. Oh, that's no accident.

But I don't want you to think he doesn't pray. He does.

Why, sometimes you can hear him all over the house.

But he never kneels.

Ah, perhaps that's Mr. Day now.

I hardly think so.

Oh, the devil I forgot.

Claire, you're just in time for tea.

I'll send for some hot water.

How are you, Dr. Lloyd?

It's a great pleasure to have a visit with you, Mr. Day. Mother.

Are they back yet? No, Clarence, no.

Except for a brief glimpse on the Sabbath. I don't see much of you.

Well, Clare, did you have a busy day at the office?

A devilishly busy.

Clare. A very busy day.

Tired out.

How a man can get tired just sitting at a desk all day, I don't know.

I suppose Wall Street is just as much a mystery to you as it is to me, Dr.

Lloyd. No, no, it's all very clear to me.

My mind often goes to the businessman.

The picture I'm most fond of.

is when I envision him at the close of the day's work, I see him pausing in his

toil, and it comes over him that all those figures of profit and loss are

without importance or consequence.

Vanity and dust.

Well, I'll be... Claire?

Yes, ma 'am?

Delia, some more hot water, please. Yes, ma 'am?

Who's that?

The new maid.

Where's the one I sent this morning?

The uniform didn't fit.

I like the one I picked out better.

Claire, Dr.

Lloyd wants to tell us about the plans for the new edifice.

The new what?

The new church.

You knew we were planning to build a new church.

Of course, we're going to have to raise a large sum of money.

Well, personally, I'm against the church hop, skipping and jumping all over the

town. So any contribution I make will have to be a small one.

The amount everyone is to subscribe has already been decided.

Who decided it?

After considerable thought, we voted that our supporting members should each

contribute a sum equal to the cost of their pew.

I paid $5 ,000 for my pew. Yes, Claire, that makes our contribution $5 ,000.

That's robbery.

Do you know what that pew was worth today?

$3 ,000.

That's what the last one sold for.

I've taken a dead loss of $2 ,000 on that pew already.

Frank Bagg sold me that pew and the market was at its peak.

He knew when to get out.

And I'm warning you, Vinnie, if the market ever goes up, I'm going to unload

that pew.

Clarence Day, how can you speak of the Temple of the Lord as though it were

something to be bought and sold on Wall Street?

Now, Mrs. Day, your husband is a practical man.

We've had to be practical about the new church.

We have all the facts and figures.

Oh?

What's the property worth where we are now?

Oh, let's see. Is it $40 ,000?

I know the figure has a four in it.

What's the new piece of property going to cost you?

I think the figure I heard mentioned was $85 ,000.

Or was it $185 ,000?

Dr. Lloyd, you preach that someday we'll all have to answer to God. We shall

indeed.

Well, I hope God doesn't ask you any questions with figures in them.

Mrs. Day is in the living room. Thank you.

It's Cousin Cora.

She's passing through town.

Oh. Well.

Oh, hello.

Hello.

Hello. Thank you for helping me.

Come, Mary.

Oh, Vinnie, what a day. We've been in every shop in town.

Why, Cousin Claire.

Cora. My, my. You're as welcome as the flowers in May.

This is Mary Skinner, Mr. Dave. How do you do? I've been telling Mary all about

you. She's been dying to meet you.

Well.

Dr. Lloyd, I want you to meet my favorite cousin, Miss Cartwright. How do

do? And Mrs. Mary Skinner. Miss Skinner, Dr.

Lloyd. How do you do? How do you do?

This seems to be a family reunion. I'll just run along.

Goodbye, Dr. Lloyd.

Goodbye, Miss Carter. Goodbye.

Goodbye. Clarence, you haven't said how do you do to Dr. Lloyd.

Goodbye, Dr. Lloyd.

Goodbye, everybody.

I'll go to the door with you, Dr. Lloyd.

Thank you so much for the tea. Those muffins were delicious. Who did you say

this pretty little girl is? She said Skinner's daughter. This is Mary's first

trip to New York.

Oh, sit down, sit down.

Have some tea. We had tea downtown.

Oh, never mind then.

Delia. Delia, sit down, sit down.

Even if you have had tea, you can stay and visit for a while.

As a matter of fact, why don't you both stay to dinner?

That's all arranged, Claire. Cora and Mary are going to have dinner with us.

Fine, fine.

Of course, you'll just have to take pot luck.

Well, I'd hardly call it pot luck.

Claire, did you know the girls are going to visit Aunt Judith in Springfield for

a whole month?

Fine.

Now, how long are you going to be in New York, Cora?

All week.

Splendid. We'd hope to see something of you. Well, you certainly will. Cora, did

you find anything you wanted in the shop?

Oh, I can't wait to show you. Oh, but I'm afraid some of these packages can't

opened in front of Cousin Claire.

Shall I leave the room?

Oh, Claire.

Clarence, would you take the package in the hall up to our room, or should I say

your room?

Wasn't it nice of Clarence to give up his room to us for a whole week?

Cora, come on, I just can't wait to see what's in those packages.

Well, we'll be back soon.

Uh, Vinnie, I wish to speak to you before you go upstairs.

I'll be down in just a minute, Clare. I wish to speak to you now.

I'll be up in just a minute, Cora. It's all right, Vinnie. Come along, Mary.

two women encamped in our house. Now, Claire. Answer me, Vinnie. Now, Claire,

you know... Answer me! Just a minute.

Clarence.

Now, Claire, you know you've always been fond of Cora. What has that to do with

her planking herself down in my house and bringing hordes of strangers with

How can you call that sweet little girl a horde of strangers?

Why don't they go to a hotel?

New York is full of hotels built for the express purpose of housing such

nuisances. Claire, two girls alone in a hotel?

Why, who knows what might happen to them. All right, then put them on the

train. If they want to roam with the gypsies, lend them a hand. Keep them

roaming. But, Clarence, they're just staying in that little room of

The trouble is they don't stay there. They stay in the bathroom.

Every time I want to take my bath, it's full of giggling females washing their

hair. I tell you, I won't have it.

Send them to a hotel. I'll pay the bill gladly, but get them out of here.

Father, I'm afraid they can hear you upstairs.

Then keep those doors closed.

Clarence, you open those doors.

Open them all the way.

Now, Claire, you be quiet and behave yourself.

They're here and they're going to stay here.

That's enough, Vinnie. I want no more of this argument.

What I don't understand is why this swarm of

locusts always... sends on us without any warning.

Father, may I go along with the rest of you to Delmonico's?

What's that, Delmonico's? You're taking Mother, Cousin Cora, and Miss Skinner to

Delmonico's for dinner tonight.

Oh, God, Dad.

I won't have it. I won't have it.

I will not have...

arranged for me.

I bought this house for my own comfort. I will not submit myself to this

indignity. Now, Clare, what's the matter? I won't stand it. Why ever, I

stand it!

Clarence!

Do I understand that I am not permitted to have dinner in my own home?

Oh, Clare, a little change will do you good.

I have a home to have dinner in, and any time I can't have dinner at home, this

house is for sale.

Well, Clare, you can't have dinner here tonight because it isn't ordered.

And besides, Cora and Mary want to see something of New York.

Well, that's no affair of mine.

I am not a guide to Chinatown and the Bowery.

Oh, Mr. Day, I just love your house.

I could live here forever.

Cora's waiting for you, Mrs. Day. Oh, yes, I'll run right up.

Glad you like our house, Miss Skinner.

I like it very much, Mr. Day.

Praise from a stranger is approbation indeed.

At home, our living room is green.

I like green.

I like green, too.

Red's my favorite color.

It's an interesting thing about colors.

Red's a nice color in a house, too, but outside, too much red would be bad. I

mean, for instance, if all the trees and the grass were red.

Outside, green's the best color.

That's right.

I never thought of it that way.

But when you do think of it, it's quite a thought.

I bet you make your mark at Yale.

Oh. My mother wants me to go to college.

Do you believe in girls going to college?

I guess it's all right if they want to waste that much time before they get

married, I mean.

I'm glad you're fond of music, Mr. Day.

Oh, hello.

Look, a New Year's companion.

John enjoys the youth companion.

John.

Won't you sit down?

Oh, thank you.

It tells all about connecting batteries and series.

John, Miss Skinner and I were talking.

Oh, that's all right. You won't bother me.

Jiminy, that's where I made my mistake. I didn't mix enough blue vitriol with

it.

Oh,

don't stop.

Can you play that?

I'm afraid not. Can you play Sweet Genevieve? That's my favorite.

Not without my music.

Hymns are nice, don't you think?

I like this one.

That's funny.

The words are the same, but it's the wrong tune.

Oh, it can't be the wrong tune. We sing it exactly that way in church.

We don't think it that way in the Methodist church.

You see, we're Methodists. Oh, that's too bad.

Oh, I don't mean it's too bad that you're a Methodist. Anybody's got a

be anything they want. But what I mean is, we're Episcopalians.

Yes, I know.

Anyway, the words are the same.

Shall we begin?

Now.

Oh, dear.

What's wrong?

Shall we try again?

It must be my fault. Oh, no, it's my fault. No, you're the Episcopalian.

I just remembered something.

My father was an Episcopalian. He was baptized an Episcopalian. He was an

Episcopalian right up to the time he married my mother.

She was the Methodist.

Oh.

Oh, well, let's try it again, then.

Well, Clarence, if you're going to Delmonico's with us, you'd better get

dressed. Am I going to?

Jiminy!

Thank you, Father.

Be ready in just a minute, Mother.

Billy, that young lady looks about the same age you were when I came out to

Pleasantville to rescue you.

Rescue me? You came out there to talk me into marrying you.

It worked out just the same.

French. Oui.

No cooking like the French.

Claire, it was so nice of you to invite Cora and Mary here their first night.

It's been a pleasure.

Mr. Day, have you always been an Episcopalian?

I've always gone to the Episcopal church, yes.

But you weren't baptized in Methodist or anything, were you?

You were baptized in Episcopalian?

Come to think of it, I don't believe I was ever baptized at all.

Claire, that's not very funny, joking about a subject like that. I'm not

I remember now, I never was baptized.

Claire, that's ridiculous.

Everybody's baptized.

What? I'm not.

No one would keep a little baby from being baptized.

You know, father and mother, rethink us, both of them.

They felt that children should decide those things for themselves.

But, Clare... I remember when I was ten or twelve years old, Mother said I ought

to give some thought to it, but I never got around to having it done to me.

Clare, do you know what you're saying?

Yes, I'm saying I've never been baptized.

Then something's got to be done about it right away.

Now, Fiddy, don't get excited over nothing.

Why haven't you ever told me?

What difference does it make?

I've never heard of anyone who wasn't baptized.

Even the savages in darkest Africa.

It's all right for savages and children.

But if an oversight was made in my case, it's too late to correct it now.

What if you're not baptized? You're not a Christian.

I can't find it. Of course I'm a Christian.

A mighty good Christian, too.

A lot better Christian than those psalm singers in church.

But you can't be if you won't be baptized.

I won't be baptized and I will be a Christian. I'll be a Christian in my own

way.

Clare, don't you want to meet us all in heaven?

Of course, and I'm going to. But you can't go to heaven if you're not

Ah, that's a lot of falderal.

Clarence Day, don't you blaspheme like that.

You're coming to church with me before you go to the office in the morning and

be baptized then and there.

Vinnie, don't be ridiculous.

If you think I'm going to stand there and let Dr. Lloyd splash water on me at

age, you're mistaken.

Now, I'm sleepy.

Good night, Vinnie.

He hasn't been baptized. He hasn't any name.

And the site of the church, he hasn't any name.

That's right.

Maybe we're not even married.

We,

thine unworthy servants, do give thee most humble and hearty thanks for all

goodness and loving kindness to us and to all men.

We bless thee for our creation, preservation, and all the blessings of

life. But above all, for thine inestimable love in the redemption of

by our Lord Jesus Christ.

For the means of grace, for the hope of glory, and we beseech thee,

give us that due sense of all thy mercies, that our hearts may be unfaded

they are.

and that we show forth our promise, not only with our lips, but by giving

up ourselves to thy presence, and by walking before thee in holiness and

serenity all our days.

Through Jesus Christ our Lord, to whom we should be, and to whom we should be

all honor and glory, world without end.

Amen.

The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ.

And the love of God.

And the fellowship of the Holy Ghost.

Be with us all evermore.

Amen.

And so my friends.

What comfort and security it gives us when we have reached the age of

understanding to know that the rite of baptism has not been neglected in our

infancy or youth.

Can you imagine any man who has reached maturity with the knowledge

that he had never been baptized failing to hasten to the holy font that his soul

might be saved.

As it says in the baptismal office.

Except a man be born of water and of the Spirit, he cannot enter into the

kingdom of God.

He that believeth and is baptized shall be saved.

But he that believeth not shall be damned.

What's that follow up to? He can't be. Which also showeth us the great benefit

we reap thereof.

He that is baptized showeth great benefit.

But he that believeth not cannot enter into the kingdom of God. For the

promise is to you and to your children.

Doubt ye not therefore, but earnestly believe.

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost.

Amen.

This is William Tyler Wickersham.

And this is Wilhelmina Eugenia Wickersham.

What a lovely day for them to be baptized.

The happiest day of my life.

You know I didn't ask Dr. Lloyd to do that. You must have said something.

Well, I had to find out from him if we were really married.

I am married and I'm not baptized. And as far as I'm concerned, the whole

congregation can know it. They certainly know it now.

That suits me.

I don't go to church to be preached at as though I were some lost sheep.

Mayor, you don't seem to understand what the church is for.

Minnie, if there's one place a church should leave alone, it's a man's soul.

Well, he's going to be baptized, Cora. You mark my word.

I just couldn't go to heaven without Claire.

Why, I get lonesome for him even when I go to Ohio.

It's awfully hard on a woman to love a man like Claire so much.

Oh, men are so aggravating. They take everything for granted.

They certainly do.

You know, I don't believe Claire has come right out and told me he loves me

since we've been married.

Of course, I know he does because I keep reminding him of it.

You have to keep reminding them, Cora.

Vinnie, the table isn't set for dinner yet.

I'll be back in a minute, Cora.

We're having it after Cora and Mary go to the train.

Their cab's coming at one o 'clock.

Cab? The horse cars go right past the door.

But, Claire, they have those heavy bags.

Cabs are a waste of money.

Well, if dinner's going to be delayed, I'll work on this month's bills. Where

are they? Now, Claire, it isn't fair to go over the household accounts when

you're hungry.

Vinnie, where are those bills?

They're in the library on your desk.

I didn't know dinner was going to be late.

No one ever tells me anything in this house.

Back home I ride all the time. I love horses.

The horse is my favorite animal.

What a goodness. Where have you two been?

Clarence wanted to show me his grandfather's house. You'll have to

finish your packing.

It won't take me long. Can I help you pack?

Clarence.

Clarence.

Why did you deal in church today?

I... I just couldn't.

If it's because your father doesn't kneel, you must remember he wasn't

up to kneel in church, but you were.

Has it anything to do with Mary?

I know she's a Methodist. Oh, no, Mother Methodist, Neil. Mary told me. They

don't get up and down so much, but they stay down longer.

Clarence, you want to kneel, don't you? Oh, yes, I wanted to kneel today. I

tried. You saw me try, but I just couldn't.

Is that suit of your father's too tight for you?

No, it's not too tight.

Well, what is it?

Mother, very peculiar things have happened to me since I started to wear

suit. I can't seem to make these clothes do anything Father wouldn't do.

Oh, that's nonsense, Clarence.

And not to kneel in church is a sacrilege.

Making Father's trousers, Neal, seem more of a sacrilege.

Clarence! Do you know what happened at Dora Wakefield's party for Mary last

night? We were playing musical chairs and some girl sat down suddenly right on

my lap. Well, I jumped up so fast she almost got hurt.

She was sitting on Father's trousers.

Well, Mother, I've got to have a suit of my own.

My soul and body.

Well, you'll just have to talk to your father about it.

I'm sure if you approach him the right way, you know tactfully, he'll see.

Oh, excuse me.

Gracious. It didn't take you very long.

Well, I'll see about your box lunch for the train.

Remember, It's Sunday.

I... I was hoping we could have a few minutes together before you left.

Cora had so much to do, I wanted to get out of her way.

Well, didn't you want to see me?

I did want to tell you how much I've enjoyed our... friendship.

Oh, hello.

Mother told us to sit in the living room till dinner's ready.

Not on the best offer. Hello.

Hello.

Have you ever been out on our porch? Oh, yes.

Well, let me show it to you.

It's awfully hard to grow up in a family with children.

My, I've never known a week to pass so quickly.

Why, I... Yes?

Why, I... Yes?

You're going to write me when you get to Springfield, aren't you? Of course.

If you write me first.

But you'll have something to write about. Your trip and Aunt Judith and how

things are in Springfield. You write me as soon as you get there.

Maybe I'll be too busy.

Maybe I won't have time.

Well, you'll find the time. Let's not have any nonsense about that.

You'll write me first and you'll do it right away the first day.

How do you know I'll take orders from you?

Well, I'll show you.

Give me your hand.

Why should I? Give me your hand, confound it.

What do you want with my hand?

I just wanted it.

What are you thinking about?

I was just thinking.

About what?

I was hoping you'd write me first, because that would mean you liked me.

my writing first got to do with liking you?

You do like me, then.

Of course I do.

I like you better than any girl I've ever met.

But you don't like me well enough to write first.

Well, I don't see how one thing's got anything to do with the other.

But a girl can't write first because... because she's a girl.

Well, that's nonsense. If a girl has something to write about and a fellow

hasn't, there's no reason why she shouldn't write first.

You know, the first few days I was here, you'd do anything for me.

And then you changed.

You used to be a lot of fun.

Then all of a sudden you turned into an old Sobersides.

Why, you even dress like an old Sobersides.

What's the matter?

I just happened to remember something.

What?

Oh, I know.

It's because this is the last time we'll be together.

Mary, please.

But, Clarence, we'll see each other in a month when I come back.

Oh, Clarence.

Please ride me first because that'll show me how much you like me.

Please.

I'll show you how much I like you.

Get up, get up.

it be the same any day.

Oh, you just didn't want me sitting on your lap.

It was nice of you to do it.

my fault.

Nonsense. What's that girl trying to do to you?

No, no, she wasn't. It was... I... I... Well, whatever the quarrel was about,

Clarence, I'm glad you held your own.

Father, I have to have a new suit of clothes. You've got to give me the money

for it.

Young man, do you realize that you're addressing your father?

I'm sorry, Father. I apologize.

But you don't know how important this is to me.

A new suit of clothes is so important.

Why should... Clarence, has your need for a new suit

of clothes anything to do with that young lady?

Yes, Father.

Why, Clarence.

Why, this comes as quite a shock to me.

What does, Father?

Why, you are being so grown up.

Still, I might have known if you were going to college this fall.

Yes, you're at the age when you'll be meeting girls.

Clarence, there are things about women that I think you ought to know.

Sit down.

Yes, I think it's better for you to hear this from me than to have to learn it

for yourself.

Clarence, women aren't the angels that you think they are.

Well, now, first let me explain this to you.

You see, Clarence, we men have to run this world, and it's not an easy job.

It takes work, and it takes thinking.

A man has to reason things out.

Now you take a woman.

A woman thinks... No, I'm wrong right there.

A woman doesn't think at all.

She gets stirred up.

And she gets stirred up over the most confounded things.

Now, I love my wife just as much as any man, but that doesn't mean that I should

stand for a lot of falderal.

By God, I won't stand for it. Stand for what, Father?

That's the one thing I shall not submit myself to.

Clarence, if a man thinks a certain thing is wrong, he shouldn't do it.

If he thinks it's right, he should do it.

Now, that has nothing to do with whether he loves his wife or not.

Who says it has, Father?

They do.

Who, sir?

Women. They get stirred up.

And then they try to get you stirred up, too.

But don't you let them do it, Clarence. Don't you let them do it.

Now, if you can keep reason and logic in the argument, a man can hold his own,

of course.

But if they can switch you, pretty soon the argument's about whether you love

them or not.

I swear I don't know how they do it.

But don't you let them, Clarence. Don't you let them.

I see what you mean so far, Father.

If you don't watch yourself, love can make you do a lot of things you don't

to do. Exactly.

But if you do watch out and know just how to handle women, then you'll be all

right.

All a man has to do is be firm.

You know how sometimes I have to be firm with your mother.

Yes, but Father, what can you do when they cry?

Hmm.

Well, uh, that's quite a question.

You just have to make them understand that what you're doing is for their

I see.

Now, Clarence, you know all about women.

But, Father.

Yes, Clarence?

I thought you were going to tell me about... About what?

About women.

Clarence, there are some things gentlemen don't discuss.

I've told you all you need to know.

The thing for you to remember is be firm.

When you get to Springfield, the very first thing you...

Oh,

God!

What's the matter, Claire? What's wrong?

Sit down, Vinnie.

Oh, Claire, Cora and Mary are leaving any moment now.

Vinnie.

You know I like to live well.

And I want my family to live well.

But this house must be run on a business basis. I must know how much money I'm

spending and what for.

For instance, if you recall, a week ago I gave you six dollars to buy a new

coffee pot.

Yes, because you broke the old one. You threw it right on the floor.

I'm not talking about that.

Now, I find you're among my... It was a pity to break that nice coffee pot,

Claire. It was imported from France. And that little shop has stopped selling

them. But what has that... They said the tariff wouldn't let them. And that's

your fault because you're always voting to raise the tariff.

The tariff protects America against cheap foreign labor.

Now, this bill... The tariff does nothing but put up the prices, and

on everybody, especially the farmer.

Finney, I wish to heaven you wouldn't talk about matters you don't know

about. I do, too, know about them. Miss Gulick says that every intelligent woman

should have some opinion about... Who, may I ask, is Miss Gulick? She's the

current events woman I told you about, and the tickets are a dollar every

Tuesday.

Do you mean to tell me that a pack of... Idle -minded females pay a dollar

apiece to hear another female gavel about the events of the day?

Listen to me if you want to know anything about the events of the day.

But you get so excited, Claire.

And besides, Miss Gulick says that our president, whom you're always

prays to God for guidance. Vinnie, what happened to that six dollars?

What six dollars?

I gave you six dollars to buy a new coffee pot.

Now I find that you apparently got one at Lewis and Congress and charged it.

Here's the bill. One coffee pot, five dollars.

So you owe me a dollar and you can hand it right over.

I'll do nothing of the kind.

What did you do with that six dollars?

Well, Claire, I can't tell you now, dear.

Why didn't you ask me at the time?

I give up.

Wait a minute.

I spent four dollars and a half for that new umbrella.

Now we're getting somewhere.

One umbrella, $4 .50.

And that must have been the week I paid Mrs. Tobin for two extra days washing.

Mrs. Tobin. That's $2 more.

$2. That makes $6 .50. And that's another $0 .50 you owe me. I don't owe

anything. What you owe me is an explanation of where my money's gone.

I do the best I can to keep down expenses.

You know yourself, Cousin Phoebe spends twice as much as we do.

Don't talk to me about your Cousin Phoebe.

You talk about your own relatives enough.

That's not fair, Vinnie.

When I talk about my relatives, I criticize them.

I can't even speak of Cousin Phoebe. You can speak of her all you want to. But I

won't have Cousin Phoebe or anyone else dictating to me how to run my house.

I didn't say a word about her dictating.

Claire, you know she isn't that. You said... You said... I don't know what

said now.

You never stick to the point.

Now, we're going over this account book.

Item by item.

I find here a bill for $38.

I don't know what you expect of me.

I tire myself out chasing up and down those stairs all day long, trying to

after your comfort to bring up our children.

I do the mending and the marketing.

Now you want me to be an expert bookkeeper, too.

Vinnie, I want to be reasonable, but can't you understand?

I'm doing all this for your own good.

Oh.

Well, I suppose I'll have to go ahead just paying the bills and hoping I've

enough money in the bank to meet them.

But it's all very discouraging.

I'll try to do better, Claire.

Well, that's all I'm asking.

Well, I'll make out the checks and sign them.

But maybe I haven't any right to sign those checks since in the sight of the

Lord I haven't any name.

That's right.

Claire, you make those checks good, you'll have to be baptized right away.

Vinnie, the bank doesn't care whether I've been baptized or not. Well, I care.

And no matter what Dr. Lloyd said, I'm not sure we're really married.

Vinnie, we have four children.

If we're not married now, we never will be.

Clare, Dr. Lloyd said this morning... That's all, Vinnie.

Uh, Clarence, you better go tell Whitney to watch for the cab.

Not before you give me that dollar and a half.

What dollar and a half? The dollar and a half you owe me. I don't owe you any

dollar and a half.

I gave you money to buy a coffee pot for me, and somehow it turned into an

umbrella for you.

Why, Clarence Day, what kind of man are you?

Quibbling about a dollar and a half when your immortal soul is in danger.

And what's more, if you...

All right, all right.

Thank you, Claire.

Now the accounts are all straight again.

What were you doing down there? I'm setting up this new burglar alarm. I

invented it myself.

Have you got any money you can lend me? No, you owe me 30 cents now.

Well, I'll give you my stamp collection and my piece of John Wilkes Booth's

finger. How much?

Enough to get a new suit of clothes.

If you can wait a month until I hear from the patent office in Washington, I

be rich.

I can't wait that long.

Maybe I could get it sooner. I'm going to look into something else tomorrow.

Wanted an energetic young man to sell household necessity. Liberal commission.

Apply 312 with...

John, let me have this job.

Why should I give you my job? They're hard to get. I've got to get a new suit

clothes. Maybe I could get the job for both of us. I'll ask the man.

The cab's here, Father.

Oh, thank you, Whitney.

Vinnie, Cora, the cab's here.

John.

Go up and get their bags. Yes, sir.

Here's the lunch for the train, sir.

Take it out to the cab.

Who's that one? It's Ellen. Delia left yesterday.

I don't know where your mother finds them. Now, Vinnie, don't you let Clara

worry about us. We have plenty of time.

Take the bags right on out, John. Yes, sir. Well, goodbye, Clarence. It was so

nice to see you again.

Goodbye, Whitney.

Now you be a good boy. Goodbye, Cousin Cora. Goodbye, Harlan.

Goodbye. Keep out of mischief. Come along, everybody. Don't keep the cab

waiting. Cabs cost money. If there's one thing Mr. Day can't stand, it's to keep

a cab waiting.

There's nothing waiting to do. There's a waiting room at the Grand Central Depot

just for that.

Mary, aren't you even going to shake hands with me? I don't think I'd better.

You may remember that when I get too close to you, you feel contaminated.

Mary, you're going to write to me, aren't you?

Are you going to write first?

No, Mary.

There are times when a man must be firm.

Mary, Mother says you better hurry out before Father starts yelling.

It's Sunday.

Goodbye, John.

I'm very happy to have made your acquaintance. Thank you.

May I help you? No, thank you.

Take care of yourself.

Goodbye, Mr. Day. Goodbye, Mary.

Goodbye, Mrs. Day. Goodbye, Mary.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Goodbye, Cousin Claire. Goodbye, Cora.

Goodbye, Cora.

Goodbye.

It wouldn't work, so he fixed it. We're going to put it back in the dining room

after Father goes to the office.

Are there burglars around?

Everywhere. Oh.

To love, honor, and succor my father and my mother.

Why do you have to learn that?

Because if I don't, I'll go to hell.

Father's going to hell. He is not.

Yes, he is, because he isn't baptized. He'll go to hell and burn for a thousand

years. He won't. He won't. He'll be in a lake of fire and brimstone, and a

thousand devils with pitchforks will be poking...

She says she doesn't want any breakfast.

Now, why does your mother do that to me?

She knows it upsets my day when she doesn't come down to breakfast.

A special delivery, sir.

Thank you.

Thank you. Where's John this morning?

John had his breakfast early, Father, and went out to see about something.

See about what?

Well, John and I thought we'd work this summer and earn some money.

Good. Work never hurt anyone. It's good for them.

But if you're going to work, work hard.

King Solomon had the right idea about work.

Whatever thy hand findeth to do, Solomon said, do thy dog onest.

Hmm.

Well, I don't understand this at all.

Here's a letter from some woman I never even heard of.

Oh, Father.

Oh, God!

What is it, Father?

This woman claims that she sat on my lap and that I didn't like it.

Huh.

Looks like curiosity.

Oh. I only opened your letter as a matter of curiosity.

Yes, go on.

Why, this gets worse and worse.

It just turns into a lot of sentimental, lovey -dovey mush.

This is someone's idea of a practical joke.

What's the matter, Claire? What's wrong?

Nothing wrong.

Just a poor letter.

How are you feeling, Vinnie?

I thought you needed me.

If you don't, I'll go back to bed.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Come sit down and get some food in you. Do your good. Build up your strength.

Here, sit down, sit down.

Here, what's this one's name? Nora. Nora, get Mrs. Day some bacon and eggs.

No, Nora.

Bring me a cup of tea up to my room.

Yes, ma 'am.

Oh, Vinnie, it's just weak to give in to an ailment.

I notice when you have a headache, you yell and groan and swear enough.

Well, that's to prove to the headache that I'm stronger than it is.

I think I've caught some kind of germ.

Some of my friends have had to send for the doctor.

The doctor? Oh, poppycock.

But, Claire, dear, when people are ill, you have to do something.

Certainly I have to do something. Cheer them up. That's the way to cure them.

How would you go about cheering them up?

I?

I'd tell them, bah.

What have I done now?

Hey,

I didn't mean to upset you.

I was just trying to help you.

You know, when you take your bed, I have a confounded, lonely time around here.

So when I see you getting it into your head that you're not feeling well, I

to do something about it.

Just because some of your friends have given in to this, there's no reason why

you should imagine you're ill. Claire, stop.

Get out of this house and go to your office.

you get the job? Yes, for both of us. Look, I've got it with me. What is it?

Medicine. Medicine?

You took a job for us to go out and sell medicine?

But it's wonderful medicine.

Look what it cures.

A sovereign cure for colds, coughs, catarrh, asthma, quincy, and sore

Poor digestion, summer complaint, colic, dyspepsia, heartburn, and shortness of

breath.

Lumbago, rheumatism, heart disease, giddiness, and women's complaints.

Nervous prostration, St. Vitus dance, jaundice, lagrip, proud flesh, pink eye,

seasickness, and pimples.

It's made from a secret formula known only to Dr. Bartlett. We get 25 cents

commission on every bottle we sell, and he's giving us the territory of all

Manhattan Island.

Well, lots of fathers and mothers' friends have some of those diseases.

Let's start out by calling on them. Yes.

Oh, what if they ask us if we use it at our house?

Yes, it would be better if we could say we did.

Excuse me?

Oh, is that the tea for Mrs. Day? Yes. Well, I'll take it up to her.

Thank you.

Right away now while it's hot.

What's the matter with Mother?

I don't know. She was just complaining.

Say, it says here it's good for women's complaints.

Here.

Yes, sir. Chesapeake and Ohio and 8.

New York Central, three quarters.

I'd like to see Mr. Day about the Morrison etched bomb.

Today's very busy this morning.

We'll have to wait.

Where's Father?

Well, Master Whitney, have you come to pay us a visit? Where's Father?

He's busy in his office with a customer.

Mr. Whitney!

But, Mr. Day, the president of the firm is... Father!

You have to come home right away.

What's the meaning of this?

Who sent you down here? Your mother?

No, sir. Mother's ill.

She's terribly ill.

Did the doctor send you for me? No, sir. It was Margaret.

Margaret? Margaret says you're to come home right away and no nonsense.

Perkins, go down and stop the first cab you see.

A cab, sir?

For you, Mr. Day?

Yes, I want a cab and no nonsense.

Yes, sir.

I'm sorry, Mr. Hopkins.

All right.

Yeah.

Get up there. You hear me? Get up.

Oh, doctor.

How is Mrs. Day? She's a pretty sick woman.

What's wrong with her?

Well, do you know her, don't you?

What did Mrs. Day have for breakfast this morning?

Not a thing. I tried to get her to eat something, but she wouldn't. I can't

understand it.

Understand what?

These violent attacks of nausea. It's almost as though she were poisoned.

Poisoned?

Let me take your cab. I'll try not to be gone more than 10 or 15 minutes. And,

Mr. Day, you're not to go into her room.

You'd better get her well.

Right away, or you'll hear from me.

Turn west on 7th Street.

Yes, yes.

his mother?

I don't know.

Well, she better be good and sick or father may be mad at me for getting him

here. Especially in a cab.

Is your father come? Yes, just now. Where are you going, Margaret?

I have to go for the minister.

I guess the minister's coming to baptize father so I won't have to go to hell.

You can't be baptized in a house. You've got to have water.

We have lots of water.

Not the right kind.

Is Mother better, Father?

How can I tell? She wouldn't let me in the room with her.

These confounded doctors never know what's the matter with anybody.

Mother's going to get well, isn't she?

Of course she's going to get well.

Father, may we come in? It's lonesome without Mother.

Yes, it is, Harlan.

It's lonesome.

Come in, boys.

What have you been doing, Harlan?

Nothing. They won't let me upstairs.

What about you, Whitney? I was supposed to learn the rest of my catechism.

Will you hear me, Father?

Yes, Whitney, I'll hear you.

Start here.

How many parts are there in a sacrament?

Two. The outward visible sign and the inward spiritual grace.

What is the outward visible sign or form in baptism?

Water, wherein the person is baptized in the name of...

You haven't been baptized, have you, Father?

Whitney, what is the outward visible sign?

Water. Where in the person?

Where in the person?

You don't know it well enough, Whitney. You'd better go and study it some more.

Do you want me to read to you, Harlan?

Father, are they going to put you into hell?

Whitney, take Harlan with you.

What's the world coming to?

Everybody's sending little doctors.

Doctors don't do you any good.

Only make you feel worse.

All poppycock.

We must all be quiet.

Mrs. Day is very ill.

I know she's ill. Go up and see if she needs anything.

And what are you doing out of the house?

Sent for the minister.

The minister?

He'll be right in. He's paying off the cap.

I was deeply shocked to learn the serious

nature of Mrs. Day's illness.

Will you take me up to her?

She's resting now. She can't be disturbed.

The doctor will be back in a minute.

Mrs. Day has been a tower of strength in the parish.

Everyone liked her so much.

Yes, she was a fine woman.

I wish to heaven you wouldn't talk about Mrs. Day as if she were dead.

Is the doctor back yet?

No. Does she need him? Well, she's kind of restless.

She's talking in her sleep and twisting and turning.

Doctor, it seems to me that was a pretty long ten minutes.

See here, Mr. Day, if I'm to handle this case, how can you handle it if you're

out of the house?

Who is this? It's Dr. Summers.

How do you do? I felt that Mrs. Day's condition warranted my getting Dr.

Summers here as soon as possible for consultation.

I hope that meets with your approval.

Why, yes, of course.

Anything that can be done.

Upstairs, Doctor.

Pardon me.

Mrs. Day is in good hands now, Mr. Day.

There's nothing you and I can do at the moment to help.

Dr. Lloyd.

Yes?

There's something that's troubling Mrs. Day's mind.

Oh?

I think you know what I refer to.

Yes. You mean the fact that you've never been baptized.

Yes, I gathered that you knew about it from your sermon last Sunday.

But let's not get angry.

I think something had better be done about it.

Yes, Mr. Day?

When the doctors get through up there, I want you to talk to Mrs. Day. I want

you to tell her something. Why, I'd be glad to. You're just the man to do it.

She shouldn't be upset about this.

I want you to tell her that my being baptized would just be a lot of

nonsense.

But, Mr. Day... Oh, she'd take your word on a thing like that.

And we both must do everything we can to help her now.

But the solution is so simple.

It would take only your consent to be baptized.

That's out of the question.

And I'm surprised that a grown man like you would suggest such a thing.

What, Doctor?

How is she? What have you decided?

Is there a room we could use for our consultation?

Yes, my library.

Doctor.

Dr. Summers, this isn't serious, is it? After we've had our consultation, we'll

talk to you, Mr. Day.

But surely... Rest assured, Dr. Summers will do everything that is humanly

possible. We'll try not to be long.

Tell me, is Dr.

Summers... He's very highly thought of, isn't he? Oh, yes.

Lavinia's seriously... If anyone could help her, he could.

Don't you think?

Very fine physician.

But there is a greater help, ever present in the hour of need.

Let us turn to him in prayer.

Let us kneel and pray.

Let us kneel and pray.

O Lord, look down from heaven.

Behold, visit and relieve this thy servant who is grieved with sickness.

Have mercy on her, O Lord.

Have mercy on this miserable sinner.

Forgive her and extend thy accustomed... She's not a miserable sinner and you

know it.

Oh, God!

You know Vinnie is not a miserable sinner.

She's a fine woman.

She shouldn't be made to suffer.

It's got to stop, I tell you. It's got to stop.

Have mercy, I say.

Have mercy, I tell you.

What's the matter, Claire?

What's wrong?

Vinnie.

Vinnie, what are you doing down here? You shouldn't be out of bed.

You get right back upstairs.

I heard you call.

Do you need me?

Vinnie, I know now how much I need you.

Get well, Vinnie. I'll be baptized. I promise. I'll be baptized.

I'll do anything.

Oh, Claire.

We'll go to Europe. Just we two.

You won't have to worry about the children or the household accounts.

Vinnie.

Don't worry, Mr. Day. She'll be all right now.

Bless you for what you have done. What did I do?

You promised to be baptized.

I did?

Oh, God!

Isn't it drafty here, Mother? Shall I get your coat, Mother? No, thank you.

I'm quite comfortable, thank you. Come on now, let's stay together. Holland,

don't you get lost again.

Aren't the hats lovely this year?

Ostrich feathers.

You wouldn't wear that hat, would you, Mother?

I think that's very pretty.

I think they're all pretty.

Oh, I do need some pink silk dress.

Oh, isn't this applique beautiful?

Just arrived from Paris, madam. It's charming.

What are you looking for, mother?

Oh, I'm just shopping.

I think I'll just take a plain one. But this is the very latest. We've only had

them in a few days.

Remember, mother, this is your first day out. You mustn't get too tired.

No, I'm saving myself, dear. I have to. Cousin Cora's coming tomorrow.

She is? Does father know about it? Not yet.

Is Mary coming, too? Yes, dear.

Helen, don't touch things.

I'll bet you knew it. No, I'm excited. Not tomorrow.

Aren't the sleeves a little long? It fits well across the shoulders.

Now about the sleeves.

Do we have any more of this material?

Yes, we do. Thank you.

This one is genuine imitation Dresden.

The original design by Durier.

John, isn't this the darlings thing?

It's exactly what I've always wanted. How much is this lovely pug dog?

Fifteen dollars, ma 'am.

Fifteen dollars?

Gee whiz, Mother, we could buy a real -life bloodhound for five dollars. Oh,

isn't he perfectly adorable?

Oh, I shouldn't.

I know I shouldn't.

Mrs. Day!

Oh, Mrs.

Whitehead. How nice to see you. Are you quite recovered? Almost.

This is my first day out. We've missed you at the church. You remember Mr.

Morley? How do you do, Mrs. Day? How do you do? Mr. Morley preached the Sunday

Dr. Lloyd was ill.

I can't tell you how much I enjoyed your sermon.

Even my husband enjoyed your sermon.

We've just come from the board meeting of the foreign missions.

I'm taking Mr. Morley home to lunch. I had to drop in here to pick up a

purchase. I won't be a minute.

Is your parish in the city?

Yes, it's on the outskirts. My church is in Audubon Park.

Oh, way up there.

Are you acquainted in Audubon Park?

No, I don't believe we know a soul there.

Mr. Morley.

Would this be possible?

My husband, Mr. Day.

If we lower the collar, it'll be a very fine fit.

You won't find a better suit to close in the city for $15. Oh, it's not the

price. It's the money.

Thank you for holding it for me. You're welcome.

Goodbye, Mrs. Day. I hope we meet again soon.

Goodbye. It was very pleasant meeting you again. I think it was divine

providence. I shall be delighted to be of service.

Goodbye, Mr. Molly. Goodbye.

Oh, no, it's against the rules.

Hello.

What did you bring home more medicine for?

Dr. Butler paid us off, didn't he? Oh, yes.

Oh, Jiminy, you scared me.

I've got to take $15 right down to McCreary's. I bought a suit there this

morning, and I said I'd have the money this afternoon.

Gee, that's too bad.

What's too bad?

Well, you see, Clarence... What?

Dr. Bartlett paid us off in medicine.

Oh, God!

Well, he thanked us, too, for our services to mankind.

But my suit, I've got to have it tomorrow. And besides, they're making

alterations. I've got to have $15.

Maybe you could offer them 15 bottles of medicine.

Oh, they wouldn't take it. McCreary's don't sell medicine.

Father!

Good afternoon, sir. How's your mother, Clarence? Oh, the ride this morning did

her a lot of good. She'll be well enough to go to church with us next Sunday.

Ah, fine.

Father, have you noticed I haven't been kneeling down in church lately?

Don't let your mother catch you at it. Then I have to have a new suit of

right away.

That doesn't make sense. I can't do anything in your clothes that you

do. Well, if my old clothes make you behave yourself, I don't think you want

wear anything else. Oh, no, you're you and I'm me. I want to be myself. I mean,

suppose I should want to kneel down in front of a girl.

Why, in heaven's name, should you want to do a thing like that? Well, I've got

to propose to a girl sometime.

Clarence. Not right away, but for $15 I can get a good suit of clothes.

Clarence, you're beginning to talk as crazy as you... Hello, Vinnie.

You're feeling better today, huh?

Much better, thank you, Clare.

You don't have to hurry home from the office every day like this.

With business the way it is, it's no use going to the office at all.

Yes, you do look better, Vinnie. What did you do today?

I got a carriage and took the boys for a ride. And we stopped in at McCreary.

Oh, Claire, I've the most wonderful news for you.

Who do you think I met?

Mr. Morley.

Morley? Never heard of him.

Remember that nice young minister who substituted for Dr. Lloyd one Sunday?

Oh, yes.

Bright young fellow.

Preached a good, sensible sermon.

Short one, too.

Ought to be more ministers like him. Well, Claire, his parish is in Audubon

Park. You know, way up above Harlem.

Nobody knows you up there. You'll be perfectly safe.

Safe?

Vinnie, what the devil are you talking about? I've gone all over everything

Mr. Morley, and he's agreed to baptize you.

Oh, he has.

The young whippersnapper. Very nice of him. We can go up there any morning. We

don't even have to make an appointment.

Who said I was going to be baptized at all?

Why, Claire.

You did.

Now, Vinnie.

You gave me your promise. Your sacred promise. You said I'd be baptized. I

promised I'd be baptized. Well, what if I did?

Claire!

Aren't you a man of your word?

Vinnie, we all thought you were dying.

So naturally I said that to cheer you up.

As a matter of fact, the doctor told me that's what cured you.

Well, it seems to me pretty ungrateful of you to press this matter any further.

My being well has nothing to do with it. You gave me your word. You gave the

Lord your word. And you're going to march yourself up to Mr. Morley's church

some morning before you go to the office and be christened. If you think for one

minute... What in the name of heaven is that? If you think I'm going to let you

add the sin of breaking your solemn and sacred promise... I demand to know what

that repulsive object is.

It's perfectly plain what it is. It's a pub dog.

What is it doing in this house?

I wanted it and I bought it.

You spent good money for that? Claire, don't try to change the subject.

How much did you pay for that atrocity? I didn't pay anything for it. I charged

it.

Charged it? I might have known. How much was it?

Fifteen dollars.

Fifteen dollars?

For that eyesore?

Don't you call this lovely work of art an eyesore?

It would look beautiful sitting on a red cushion by the fireplace in the living

room. If that sits in the living room, I won't.

Furthermore, I don't even want it in the same house with me.

Get it out of here.

Claire?

You're not going to get out of this room until you set a date for your baptism.

I'll tell you one thing.

I'll never be baptized as long as that hideous monstrosity is in this house.

All right.

All right.

Clarence.

That pug dog goes back this afternoon and he's christened first thing in the

morning. You heard him, didn't you, Clarence? You heard him say that he'd be

baptized as soon as I got this pug dog out of the house.

You hurry right back to McCreary's with it and be sure they credit us with $15.

Oh, Mother, while we were at McCreary's, I happened to see a suit I'd like very

much, and the suit was only $15. Well, Clarence, I'm afraid your suit will have

to wait until after I get your father christened. No, I meant that since the

suit costs just the same as the pug dog, if I exchange the pug dog for the

suit... Why, yes.

Then the suit wouldn't cost your father anything.

Why, how...

Right of you, Clarence, to think of that.

I'd better start right away before McCreary's closes. Yes.

Now, let's see.

If we're going to take your father all the way to Audubon Park...

Clarence, on your way back, you stop at the livery stable and tell them to have

a cab here at 8 o 'clock tomorrow morning. Mother, a cab? Do you think you

to? We can't walk all the way to Audubon Park. But you know what a cab does to

fathers. This is a very important occasion.

All right. Get one of their best cabs, the kind they use at funerals. Well,

those cost $2 an hour, and if father gets mad... Well, if your father starts

argue in the morning, you remember. Oh, he agreed to it. We both heard him.

You'll notice Clarence is returning the pug dog.

That's a sign you're getting your faculties back.

Don't dawdle, Clarence.

Vinnie, it's good to hear you singing again.

But your smile so pure and sweet Makes my happiness complete Makes me

falter at your feet Sweet Marie Sweet Marie

On the way uptown, I stopped in at Tiffany's and bought you a little

Thought you might like it.

Claire!

What a beautiful ring!

I'm glad it pleased you.

Oh, Claire!

I don't know how to thank you.

If it's thanks enough for me, just to have you up and around again.

You know, when you're ill, Vinnie, this house is like a tomb.

There's no excitement.

That's the loveliest ring you ever bought me.

Now that I have this, you needn't buy me any more rings.

Well, if you don't want any more.

What I'd really like now is a nice diamond necklace.

Vinnie, do you know how much a diamond necklace costs?

Yes, I know, Claire, but don't you see? You're giving me this shows I mean a

little something to you. Now a diamond necklace. Good heaven.

If you don't know by this time how I feel about you, we've been married for

years, and I've loved you every minute of it.

What did you say, Claire?

I said we've been married for 20 years, and I've loved you every minute of it.

But if I have to buy out jewelry stores to prove it, if I haven't shown it to

you in my words and actions, I might as well... Well... What have I done now?

It's all right, Claire.

I'm just so happy.

Happy?

You said you loved me.

And this beautiful ring, that's something else I didn't expect.

Oh, Claire, I love surprises.

That's another thing I've never understood about you, Vinnie.

Now, I like to know what to expect. Then I prepare to meet it. Yes, I know,

Clare, but life would be pretty dull if we always knew what was coming.

Well, it's certainly not dull around here.

In this house, you never know what's going to hit you tomorrow.

Every day the Imadell knows my secret.

Every daisy in the dell Knows my secret

Knows it well And yet I dare

not tell Sweet Marie

Got one market in the house.

At home, they call me Maggie, sir.

All right, Maggie.

If her name's Margaret, that's a good sign. Maybe she'll stay a while.

Do you know, boys, your mother used to be just the same about cooks as she is

about maids. Never could keep them for some reason.

Well, one day about 14 years ago... Yes, it was right after you were born, John.

My, you were a homely baby.

No idea.

Yes. Have a good night?

Yes, thank you, Claire.

Sit down, Vinnie.

Sit down, boys.

Thank you, parents.

Well, seems to me everyone's all dressed up this morning.

What's on the program for this fine day?

Well, this afternoon, May Lewis's mother is giving a party for everyone in May's

dancing class.

Harlan's going to dance. I don't want to go, Mama.

Harlan, don't you want to go to a party and get ice cream and cake?

When you get a little older, you won't object to girls wanting to kiss you.

Willie Clarence.

This is for you, Mr. Day. Where shall I put it? Oh, that's for me, I think. Take

it upstairs, Maggie. Wait a minute, Maggie. Bring it here. Let's see it.

See, it's for me, Father. Clarence Day, Jr. I mean, look.

That's for McClary's.

And it's marked charge. What is it? Clare, it's all right. It's nothing for

to worry about.

Well, at least I think I should know what's being charged to me. What is it?

Clare, stop. your fussing. It's a new suit of clothes for Clarence, and it

costing you a penny.

It's marked charge $15.

It's costing me $15.

And I told Clarence... Claire, can't you take my word it isn't costing you a

penny?

I'd like to have you explain why it isn't.

Because Clarence took the pug dog back and got the suit instead.

Of course, and they'll charge me $15 for the suit.

Nonsense, Claire. We gave them the pug dog for the suit, don't you see?

Then they'll charge me $15 for the pug dog.

But, Claire, they can't. We haven't got the pug dog. We sent that back.

Well... Hmm?

But... Well, now, wait a minute, Vinnie.

The suit... But... Well, there's something wrong with your reasoning.

Well, Claire, I'm surprised at you when you're supposed to be so good at

figures. That's perfectly clear to me.

Watch me for one thing or the other.

Don't you let them.

Well, McCreary's aren't giving away suits and they aren't giving away pug

Why, it should be clear to a child that if Clarence sent the pug dog back,

they... Well... I will not

have that botanical freak in this room.

John, have you been going around this town selling medicine?

Yes, Mother.

Dog medicine?

No, Mother, not dog medicine.

This letter from Mrs. Sprague says you sold her a bottle of this medicine and

that her little boy gave some of it to their dog and it killed him.

Now she wants $10 from us for a new dog.

Here, let me see that letter.

Well, we shouldn't have given it to a dog. It's for humans.

Why, it's Bartlett's beneficent bomb made from a secret formula.

Have you been going around among our friends and neighbors selling some

nostrum? But it's good medicine, Father. I can prove that by Mother.

Vinnie, what do you know about this? Well, nothing, Claire. But I'm sure

No, I mean that day Mother was... That's enough.

You're going to every house where you sold a bottle of that concoction and buy

it all back.

But it's a dollar a bottle.

I don't care how much it is.

Here. I'll give you the money now.

How many bottles did you sell?

A hundred and twenty -eight.

A hundred and twenty -eight?

Claire, I always told you John would make a good businessman.

Young man, you'll have to come down to my office.

that medicine.

$128.

$10 more for Mrs. Sprague's dog. That's $138.

Thank you, Vinnie. But it's all coming out of your allowance.

That means that you will not get another penny until the whole $138 is paid up.

I won't have it, I tell you. I won't have it. Now, Claire.

Don't let them in. Claire, hush up. They'll hear you. Tell them to get back

that cab and drive right on to Ohio.

As if we could turn our own relatives away.

But they're extravagant enough to take cabs when horse cars run right by our

door. Now, you be quiet and behave yourself.

John, come help with the baggage.

Why do they always have to pounce on us without any warning?

Cora. Mary.

Well, it's so good to have you back again.

How are you, Vinnie? We've been so worried about you. Oh, I'm fine now.

Did you have fun in school? Oh, yes, fun.

What? John!

My, you're still growing up. Thank you, good boy. John, go get the package.

There's Whitney. Whitney! How are you, darling?

Fine, thank you.

And little Harley. Hello.

Have you been a good boy?

How do you do? Come and sit down and have some breakfast with us. Oh, we had

breakfast at the depot. Well, we've practically finished ours. I haven't

finished my breakfast.

Well, then sit down, Claire.

Come and have a cup of coffee anyway.

Mary, sit over there. Cora, Maggie, clear those places.

My, my, this seems so natural. Claire, don't let your kippers get cold.

Maggie, serve some coffee.

Yes, ma 'am.

Where's Clarence?

He must be upstairs moving his thing so you can have his room again.

Oh, Vinnie, we can't stay overnight.

Grandpa Ebbes has been sailing very fast, and that's why I have to hurry

We're leaving on the five o 'clock train this afternoon.

Well, Cora, it certainly is good to see you again.

Well, who can that be?

Well, this time it can't be another special delivery letter for Clarence.

While you were in Springfield, our postman was kept pretty busy.

It's the cab, ma 'am.

Cab? What cab?

have this to take us to Audubon Park.

Oh? Who's going to Audubon Park?

We all are.

Cora, the most wonderful thing has happened.

Claire is going to be baptized this morning.

Finny, what are you saying?

I'm saying you're going to be baptized this morning.

I am not going to be baptized this morning or any other morning.

You promised yesterday that as soon as I sent that pug dog back, you'd be

baptized.

I never said anything remotely like that.

Clarence was right there and heard you.

That's why I ordered the cab.

The cab.

Vinnie.

You send that right back.

I'll do nothing of the kind.

I'm going to see that you go to heaven.

I can't go to heaven in a cab.

Well,

you can start in a cab.

I'm not sure they'll ever let you into heaven. But I know they won't unless

you're baptized.

They can't keep me out of heaven. Heaven on a technicality.

Claire, stop quibbling.

You may as well face it. You've got to make your peace with God.

Until you stirred him up, I had no trouble with God.

Harlan, Whitney, come get your Sunday hat.

Clarence, John. Yes, Mother? Hurry, we're ready to go.

Oh, my prayer book.

Harlan, come let me fix your tie.

Benny, are you mad?

Witness this indignity? Why, Claire, they'll be proud of you.

I suppose Harlan is to be my godfather.

Vinnie, I won't go through with this thing.

That's final.

Claire, if you feel that way about it... I do.

Then we won't take the children with us.

I'm not talking about the children. I'm ready, Mother.

Oh, John.

Vinnie, I haven't time for anything like that this morning. I've got to take

John down to my office with me and give him the money to buy back that dog

medicine. But it wasn't dog medicine, sir.

Young man, we're starting downtown this minute.

You'll do no such thing.

You gave me your sacred promise that day I almost died. Yes, and she would have

died if we hadn't given her some of that medicine. That proves it's good

medicine.

You gave your mother some of that dog medicine?

John, you didn't.

Yes, we did, Mother. We put some in your tea that morning.

Oh, John.

Do you realize you might have killed your mother?

You did kill Mrs. Sprague's dog.

give considerable thought as to how you would be punished for this. But,

Clare... No, Vinnie.

When I think of that day, we might have lost you.

You're all right now, thank heaven.

But what I went through that afternoon, the way I felt, I'll never forget it.

You've forgotten it already.

What do you mean?

That was the day you gave me your sacred promise.

Yes, but I wouldn't have given you my promise if I hadn't thought you were

dying. And you wouldn't have almost died if John hadn't given you that dog

medicine. Don't you see?

Well, the whole thing is illegal.

Suppose I had died.

It wouldn't make any difference to you.

You don't care whether we meet in heaven or not.

You don't care whether you ever see me and the children again.

Now, Vinnie, you're not being fair to me.

It's all right, Claire.

If you don't love us enough, there's nothing we can do about it.

But that has nothing to do with it.

I love my family as much as any man.

All my life, I struggled in work. Just you... Dad, there's that cab.

Vinnie, you're not well enough to go all the way to Audubon.

Oh, I'm well enough if we ride.

But that trip would take all morning.

And those cabs cost a dollar an hour.

This is one of their best cabs. This costs two dollars an hour.

Well, then why aren't you...

Good morning, Mr. Day. Going to the office?