Original subtitles

[Applause]

[Clears Throat]

And it was an amicable breakup.

And I bought myself[br]this little bungalow in Hollywood...

and I made it my symbol of independence.

and I wanted to make sure[br]that it was really girly[br]and strongly feminine.

And I wanted it to say[br]to anyone who walked in...

"A woman lives here alone[br]and happy about it."

[Laughter]

So I would scrimp and save[br]and send my money back home[br]so that I could decorate it.

And it was during this year...

that I developed this elaborate fantasy[br]for my Shangri-la.

- [Piano][br]- I believed that I'd spend[br]a lot of time alone there...

and probably give a lot[br]of little petite soirees...

and fabulous gourmet dinner parties.

Maybe someone would drink[br]a little bit too much...

and I would insist[br]that they spend the night[br]in the guest room...

which is just big enough[br]for someone to spend the night in...

after a rousing evening of conversation...

or the problems in Bosnia[br]with that horrible Slobodan Milosevic...

and a fun game we could all play...

where we all name[br]all the justices on the Supreme Court.

And isn't this dessert fabulous?

[Audience Laughing]

I figured I'd spend[br]the long afternoons there...

listening to Tchaikovsky...

and writing all of those[br]great screenplays...

that are just in my head right now.

And I would never marry again.

And I would live[br]in this house alone for the next 60 years.

"But we've never known anyone...

"who was happier[br]and more full of life than thatJulia Sweeney.

- How we envy her existence."[br]- [Ends]

About a month after[br]I moved back from New York...

and I had ensconced myself[br]safely in my new perfect little abode...

was diagnosed with lymph cancer.

Mike hadn't been feeling well for a while...

and he didn't have any insurance.

So he'd just go to the free clinic.

So it was an incredibly serious situation.

And I immediately moved him[br]into my home and took over[br]taking care of him.

was over all the time and helping out.

And for the next nine months...

there we all were[br]in my perfect little house[br]made for one.

- But let me just take a moment...[br]- [Audience Laughing]

to rant to you[br]about what it's like...

to suddenly have your parents[br]living with you...

when you've spent[br]half your life away from them...

and you can never really[br]lose your temper...

because of the enormity[br]of the whole situation.

"Hello. This is Jeri Sweeney[br]answering the telephone...

[Audience Laughing]

That's gonna be okay."

My mother has this habit[br]of stringing together[br]disconnecting thoughts...

and then trying to present them[br]as one idea.

And she's always saying things like...

The blouse you wanted[br]altered is on the bed.[br]Have you seen the car keys?"

Once my mother[br]took me aside and she said...

because he doesn't know[br]what I'm talking about half the time."

[Audience Laughing]

My mother has this[br]storytelling technique...

that I call the red-herring style...

where she'll drop[br]a piece of very intriguing[br]unrelated information...

into the top of her story[br]and then go on and act[br]as if it's irrelevant.

"because there was a man lying there.

And then she always acts[br]as if I've interrupted[br]the cadence of her story.

I have this office in my backyard...

that I use to write in[br]and prepare for auditions...

[Audience Laughing]

And my parents were[br]always coming back there[br]and interrupting me...

and I finally had to explain to them...

it was like having[br]my parents with me at my job too.

And my mother[br]immediately came back.

and I cannot find[br]where you keep your mixes."

- Where is that?"[br]- [Audience Laughing]

"and I found another bulb.

"But I didn't know[br]if you wanted it screwed in...

in some... special way."

[Audience Laughing]

and after his retirement five years ago...

he's chosen to spend[br]all of his new free time...

listening to National Public Radio.

He has a little Walkman[br]that he keeps on a belt[br]and these headphones.

And like a stereotypical[br]teenager in a movie...

he's always off in his own little world.

And because of this...

it seems as though[br]Bob Edwards and Mara Liasson[br]and Cokie Roberts...

are his very best friends.

And I think he has[br]a special fondness for Cokie...

because he's always saying things like...

"so she could just[br]get up and broadcast.

"And this morning[br]she said she was in her pajamas.

Can you imagine?"

And I mean constantly.[br]Like he slept with[br]the headphones on all night...

because there was a special[br]other Canadian broadcast...

between the hours[br]of 3:00 and 5:00 a.m.

And one day my father[br]came bounding down the hallway...

[Audience Laughing]

Meg's lived there for seven years.

And she has[br]a Japanese boyfriend there[br]whose name is Yamamoto.

[Audience Laughing]

And he doesn't speak any English...

so he doesn't know how funny that is.

[Audience Laughing]

his specialty was in Indian land law.

And while it always[br]sounded really cool and politically correct...

when I was growing up...

I would tell my friends[br]that my dad was an expert[br]in Indian land law...

what I didn't explain[br]to them...

was that my dad wasn't exactly[br]on the side of the Indians.

[Audience Laughing]

The government policy[br]in the Pacific Northwest[br]towards the Native Americans...

is basically[br]to create a reservation...

they'd swoop in[br]and take it back.

And my dad was the guy to swoop in[br]and take it back.

and it was against this Indian family[br]called the Sohapis.

And the Sohapis had[br]this sacred burial ground...

that my father[br]was trying to condemn...

with a drink in one hand[br]and the other hand on the counter...

[Audience Laughing]

that my parents[br]stayed with me...

things started to slowly[br]change around the house.

Where I once had[br]bottled Samuel Adams beer[br]in the refrigerator...

that would be drunk[br]and then replaced with[br]canned Pabst Blue Ribbon beer.

Or if I had fresh chunky salsa[br]from TraderJoe's in the refrigerator...

that would be eaten[br]and replaced with a can[br]of Del Monte tomato paste...

that my mother was sure[br]could double as salsa.

I can't find[br]Your Parmesan cheese."

and then a special grater[br]for it in the cupboard[br]up above the stove."

and then a grater for it[br]in the cupboard up above the stove."

[Laughter]

it was as if I was throwing[br]my big-city ways right into their face.

[Audience Laughing]

that I had spent years[br]in therapy talking about my parents...

But here I suddenly was[br]in this enormous situation...

with Mike sick and[br]the medical bills mounting[br]and my parents there...

and there was nothing I could do...

but accept the surreal nightmare[br]that life had become.

Mike got radiation[br]five days a week and two[br]different kinds of chemo.

and he got that every three weeks.

And that went into his veins[br]and required him to sit with[br]an I.V. for about four hours.

And the other chemo[br]was the spinal tap chemo...

and that went directly[br]into his spinal column.

And that he got nearly every other day.

So almost every day...

someone was escorting Mike[br]from Hollywood out[br]to the UCLA cancer center.

Plus there were a lot of other things[br]for us to do...

like stand in line at Social Security...

to see if we can get[br]the right forms to try[br]to get Mike under Medi-Cal.

Or figure out how to get[br]a disabled parking pass.

Or get one of the myriad[br]of prescriptions filled.

has always been the most private member[br]of our family.

You really got close[br]to Mike on his terms.

Mike was actually a master[br]at boundary-setting[br]from a very young age.

"between the hours of 6:30 and 9:00...

and we all just pretended[br]that our parents were down[br]on this extended visit.

Mike had this habit of asking[br]each doctor or nurse...

the first time he encountered them[br]for their cards...

so that he could verify[br]their qualifications...

and then he would quiz them on their[br]educational background.

And I'm not exactly sure why Mike did this.

I think it just had[br]something to do with Mike[br]trying to keep some control.

But all I knew is that whenever[br]a new medical professional[br]would enter the room...

my stomach would tense up...

and then going over[br]their history of work experience.

The doctors prescribed Marinol for Mike...

which is basically[br]marijuana in pill form.

And that's an accepted drug[br]for cancer patients...

to help keep their pain down[br]and their appetite up.

But marijuana in pill form[br]doesn't work nearly as effectively...

as it does in leaf form.

was able to get his hands[br]on some real primo stuff.

Bill's always had this talent.

by selling pot out[br]of the family basement...

And my mother would[br]always say things like...

But his friends only stay for five minutes."

and sometimes he'd feel[br]well enough to go back[br]to his own apartment...

which we kept[br]and was only about[br]a mile from my place.

and I like to sleep[br]on the pullout sofa[br]out back in the office.

between whose house it really was.

And I think this happened[br]partially because...

that I inherited from my parents...

when they moved[br]from the big house to the condo.

are all the same things[br]I grew up around.

And to suddenly have[br]my parents living there...

and my brothers around all the time...

it started to feel more[br]like I was living at home again.

And I found myself[br]walking around thinking...

"I'm gonna get my own dorm room...

"and then I'm gonna do what I want.

It was noisy and crazy in the house.

And my brother Bill[br]was coming down from[br]Spokane again and again.

And Meg was coming from Japan.

And relatives were showing up.

And instead of the Tchaikovsky...

that I was hoping[br]to play in the afternoons...

my mother usually had[br]the Irish Rovers blaring.

Gus is my most sensitive cat.

And I hadn't seen him at all[br]for a couple of days.

And it was raining outside...

and I was really worried about him.

And then my neighbor[br]came out on his porch...

and into his house[br]and down the hallway[br]to the back bedroom.

And my neighbor said...

[Audience Laughing]

A lot of time.[br]And I believe that Gus[br]thinks he lives here now."

I made this little bed[br]for him on the floor.[br]I can shut him out if you want."

I guess that'd be all right."

[Audience Laughing]

My brotherJim works for[br]the city of West Hollywood.

And he had arranged[br]for me to be honored[br]as Mayor for the Day...

on Halloween as Pat.

And I had agreed[br]to do this months before Mike got sick...

and months before[br]the movie came out and it was a bomb...

and months before[br]I never wanted to be Pat again...

as long as I lived...

and months before the public[br]had the exact same feeling about me.

[Audience Laughing]

But I'd agreed.

So there I was in the Pat outfit[br]for the very last time...

traipsing down Santa Monica Boulevard...

with my brotherJim[br]and Mike who was feeling[br]pretty good then...

and wearing his traditional[br]Halloween ensemble: : a priest outfit.

It was just my most[br]halfhearted Pat performance.

And I was just standing[br]up there going...

- [Mumbling][br]- [Audience Laughing]

"That can't possibly be[br]the real person who plays Pat...

because that would be so pathetic."

[Audience Laughing]

And I think my sad display[br]was even too much for Mike...

because he left halfway through.

Also because he had a date[br]with his radiation therapist...

who was meeting him on the corner[br]of Robertson and Santa Monica.

I tried to go with Mike[br]to all of his radiation appointments.

And we both found it[br]to be very interesting.

and they encourage patients[br]to bring music to listen to.

he usually listened to either[br]the Crash Test Dummies...

or Bach's unaccompanied cello suites.

But he was eventually able[br]to develop this look for himself.

And he took to wearing[br]black jeans and a black T-shirt[br]and a black baseball cap.

And I actually gave him[br]this Reservoir Dogs T-shirt...

that he began to wear constantly.

And as Mike would come out[br]of the radiation room...

I'd be waiting for him in the waiting room.

And he always had this oddly amused[br]expression on his face.

"How weird is this?"

One is to be really healthy.

and eat your green[br]leafy vegetables and meditate.

and take up dangerous sports.

and I just needed[br]a release of some sort.

And I decided to do something[br]a little unhealthy and dangerous.

and buy the new book by the Pope.

[Audience Laughing]

But I kind of enjoy disagreeing with him[br]on so many topics.

But it means that I have[br]to really keep up on what he's[br]saying and writing all the time.

And this was the day[br]that the Pope's new book had come out.

My parents are[br]militant nonsmokers.

My father smoked two and[br]a half packs of unfiltered[br]Chesterfields a day...

until three years ago.

And he's always going on[br]about the evils of smoking.

And I always join in his tirades[br]and agree wholeheartedly.

And I was wearing these overalls...

which is a really bad fashion choice for me.

- And get the Pope's book."[br]- [Audience Laughing]

And I couldn't find[br]the Pope's book anywhere.

And suddenly I felt awkward asking for it.

And I guess I was just hoping...

And then I did find it...

and like somebody[br]buying some pornography...

I suddenly felt that I should[br]get something for on top of it[br]and underneath it...

so that it would say to the clerk...

and I found myself in the Self-Help section.

Hmm. And I was looking up at all the titles.

The Atheist Guide[br]to Getting Through the Day...[br]There is a Tomorrow.

that someone would take the time[br]to write that book."

What Happens When[br]Your Brother Gets Cancer...

and Your Entire Family[br]Moves in with You?

Where is that book?

And I was feeling worse and worse.

And at just this moment...

And I hesitate to report this to you because...

and also because I'm really not into[br]scatological humor in any way.

And it was like a foghorn[br]had gone off at Book Soup.

And everyone's heads whipped up...

and I didn't know what I should do.

or if I should look around[br]like it wasn't me.

[Audience Laughing]

And I was so humiliated.

[Audience Laughing]

"Is he still running[br]the box office[br]at the Groundling Theater?

That Mike Sweeney is so funny."

And I took my book up and I paid for it.

So I got out of Book Soup[br]and I went to this corner market...

and I bought this pack of cigarettes.

to take Mike to chemo.

And I had tears[br]running down my cheeks.

But I was weirdly happy[br]at the same time.

And I was just so exhilarated[br]to be smoking and driving...

and to have gotten away[br]from Marshall.

I turned onto my block.[br]I suddenly smelled something burning.

And then I realized[br]that my car was[br]filling up with smoke.

and I realized that[br]my cigarette must've flown[br]out the driver's window...

and then back[br]in the back passenger window...

and it had landed[br]on my back seat and like ignited it.

- And there was this little fire going there.[br]- [Audience Laughing]

I need your car keys.[br]I have to go to the store."

"The most terrible thing just happened.

"and right next to me was this man...

And... I loved that[br]her reaction was so big.

- Like that just might be my whole story.[br]- [Audience Laughing]

"He was smoking.

"And he tossed his filthy cigarette[br]out of his pickup...

"and somehow it landed[br]in my back seat...

"That's the most horrible story[br]I've ever heard.

And my dad came out[br]and I told him the story.

"on this side of me.

"He was... right on this side of me.

"And my back passenger window[br]happened to be open...

and then he was"...[br][Mumbling]

[Audience Laughing]

to take Mike to chemo.

[Audience Laughing]

things would get[br]pretty tense around the house.

And I think[br]that for my mother...

my father's drinking[br]and the constant listening to N.P. R...

like sometimes she'd roll over[br]on the Walkman in the night.

And it would just drive her nuts.[br]It got to be too much.

And one day[br]I came in the front door...

Meet me in the hallway."

But he's not leaving[br]Your house and neither am I."

because I am not sleeping[br]in there anymore."

"My policy is that[br]when couples come to stay[br]with me at my house...

"they must remain a couple[br]for the duration of their visit.

I do not have enough beds[br]for couples to break up[br]while they visit me."

my mother insisted on sleeping[br]on the pullout sofa in the living room.

And during one of those nights...

I got up about 3:30[br]in the morning to get a drink of water...

and I could hear the TV[br]going in the living room.

I'm watching[br]this incredible movie."

So I did go in there...

and I saw that she was watching[br]Nicholas Ray's n a Lonely Place...

which is one[br]of my favorite film noirs.

who's suspected of killing[br]a young coat check girl.

And Gloria Grahame plays[br]this neighbor of his...

who ends up providing him[br]with an alibi.

"I said I liked it.[br]I didn't say I wanted to kiss it."

[Audience Laughing]

because he obviously[br]has a terrible drinking problem."

[Audience Laughing]

And he sat down with us[br]and we all continued to watch it.

which is something[br]that Mike would never let her do.

But I was surprised[br]when Mike just let her.

it was about 5:45 in the morning...

and the sun was just[br]starting to come out.

And the L.A. Times was tripping[br]across the front porch[br]and into the door.

And we all decided[br]that it was really too late[br]to try to go back to sleep...

that we'd just stay up[br]and make oatmeal and toast...

and wait for it to be time[br]to take Mike to radiation.

all of these sleepless nights...

doctors' appointments[br]and the noodles with red topping...

the most wonderful thing happened.

My good friend David[br]came down from Aspen to visit me...

And Carl and I immediately hit it off.

and we started talking[br]on the phone long-distance.

And I figured we were[br]pretty interested in each other.

This was a pretty big deal for me...

since my divorce two years before.

Carl's enthusiasm is in bow hunting.

And even his job[br]is related to this passion.

and as a proud[br]volunteering member of PETA...

[Audience Laughing]

Carl and I would talk on the phone[br]late into the night...

and we would get into[br]these big ethical arguments[br]all about animal rights.

And then I would[br]hang up the phone and go to sleep...

and dream that he was running[br]after me in the woods naked with[br]nothing but a bow and arrow.

and believe it's all gonna[br]come crashing down in some sort[br]of post-apocalyptic nightmare...

Carl would be[br]a good choice as a mate.

[Audience Laughing]

The only problem[br]was that my parents[br]were gonna be there.

and finger food[br]on the coffee table...

and Carl and I are gonna be[br]snuggled up on the sofa.

Or how am I gonna get[br]my father to clear off[br]the dining room table...

that he got for his[br]$50 contribution to N.P. R...

[Audience Laughing]

so that I can pour some wine[br]and look into Carl's eyes...

would provide[br]this hotbed of titillation...

the likes of which[br]I never experienced before.

This is why.

I was married for five years.

But by the same token...

they're not gonna condone me[br]starting up a sexual[br]relationship with someone...

right under their noses.

So it was kind[br]of a tricky situation.

And it basically meant[br]that Carl and I had to sneak around.

I hadn't had to sneak around[br]with a guy for about 16 years.

And I forgot how exciting that is.

[Audience Laughing]

Carl slept on the pullout sofa[br]out back in the office...

and I slept on the sofa[br]in the living room.

And we spent all of this time[br]around the family.

Then I would come in[br]and sleep on the sofa in the living room...

and get up at 6:30 in the morning[br]and have coffee with my dad...

Carl and I found ourselves[br]playing footsie underneath[br]the dining room table.

And my mother was making all of these[br]traditional meals...

I'm making meat loaf."

And I suddenly felt like[br]this Catholic schoolgirl again[br]in a uniform...

and I found myself saying things like...

[Audience Laughing]

Get in the bedroom.[br]Take off your clothes. Now!"

"But I just noticed[br]that your garbage cans[br]are empty down on the curb.

Do you want me[br]to move them up to[br]the side of the house first?"

Take off your clothes. Now!"

and it was wonderful.

"and got embarrassed[br]and decided to leave...

Carl and I came back to[br]the house late in the afternoon.[br]There was nobody there.

"And we just wanted to call[br]and let you know...

"that you should expect us in 45 minutes.

- [Audience Laughing][br]- [Inhales]

[Laughing]

in all of his different therapies.

And he was doing really well...

with the exception[br]of the spinal tap chemos.

Mike had received so many[br]different spinal taps...

that scar tissue had built up[br]along his spinal column...

and they couldn't access it anymore.

So one day we were at UCLA[br]and Mike was on[br]the examination table.

And my brotherJim was there[br]and myself and my mother...

"I think that we should put[br]a shunt into your forehead...

"which is a plastic opening...

so that we can put the chemo directly[br]into the cranial fluid."

And Mike immediately said...

You might as well give me[br]a lobotomy at the same time."

[Audience Laughing]

And then I think even the doctor was[br]a little embarrassed.

"that my patients who have the shunts...

"I love my shunt."

And whenever the doctor[br]would come into[br]the examination room...

I love my shunt."

[Audience Laughing]

And to just show you[br]how surreal things were getting...

And whenever anyone[br]would come into[br]the emergency room...

They need something to love!"

[Audience Laughing]

was a fabulous doctor husband.

And we were always[br]scoping the hallways[br]for the cutest doctors.

we always asked for a second opinion.

[Audience Laughing]

just to make conversation[br]with one of the nurses...

"Because I've just moved[br]out from New York...

and I need to get started[br]with someone new."

I put it in my back pocket.

because it was really months[br]before I needed to make[br]my annual exam...

I decided to call[br]and make an appointment.

And I went in. I was examined.

and it appears to have[br]spread to your uterus[br]and to your fallopian tubes.

And I recommend that you get[br]a hysterectomy right away.

"I'm just saying this is just...[br]really bad timing.

"This is just like the worst.

And I looked out[br]the windows in my office...

into the windows[br]at the back of the house.

and my father hovered over[br]the dining room table...

and Mike in my bedroom.

but I didn't know[br]how I was gonna hide[br]having a hysterectomy.

And of course[br]they were devastated.

And Mike immediately said...

- With me in the cancer spotlight all the time."[br]- [Audience Laughing]

We really felt like[br]I did have sympathy cancer.

And I guess I always[br]assumed I would someday.

I just hadn't chosen to[br]up until this time.

Now it looked like that[br]was gonna be impossible.

I guess I always thought[br]of my reproductive organs...

that I totally[br]was gonna ride someday.

But I'd just never taken[br]the opportunity to ride it yet.

Now someone[br]was stealing my bike.

You actually have an advantage[br]of having cancer[br]of a reproductive organ...

because you can simply take it out.

It's not like having cancer[br]of the liver or the lungs...

which are organs you need[br]for daily existence.

which got me to thinking...

"What if you got cancer of the fat?"

[Audience Laughing]

And then you had to have[br]like this emergency liposuction.

And I mentioned that to my doctor...

and he told me[br]that actually some people[br]do get cancer of the fat.

to make an appointment.

[Audience Laughing]

"and we have sent all[br]of your slides to the UCLA[br]pathology department...

where they are studying[br]that type of cancer there."

to expedite this process."

"I will be at the UCLA[br]cancer center tomorrow.

I suppose I could hop over[br]to the pathology building[br]and pick up my slides."

And the next day I left Mike[br]in the chemo lounge...

and I set about[br]to get my slides.

is this big eight-story building.

And it's not set up[br]to have any regular person walk into it.

There's no directory of doctors.[br]There's no nothing like that.

And I found myself[br]walking up and down the hallways...

and finally going through[br]these doors marked "Greens Only.[br]No public admittance."

And the hallways were lined...

with what looked to me[br]like big tupperwares filled with lungs.

And I was just trying to get someone[br]to recognize me as an alien.

They're me. They're me."[br][Chuckles]

And she looked[br]in this computer program...

and he's up on the eighth floor."

and I found Dr. Fu's office door.

And I opened it.

It was like something[br]out of a movie set.

and the Xerox machine[br]next to a filing cabinet[br]that was overflowing...

next to a microscope.

And peering over the microscope was Dr. Fu.

and I'm looking for my slides."

They're me. They're slides of me."

You mean to tell me[br]that you have this cancer?"

"for the last 20 years.

but I've never actually met someone[br]who had the cancer."

Do you mind if I take you out[br]for a cup of coffee?"

Dr. Fu took this torn[br]AT&T envelope out of his back pocket...

and he put it on the table.

And he drew[br]my reproductive organs on it.

And he kind of described to me[br]what was going to be happening.

Only he said "fertirity."

[Audience Laughing]

And we walked back to his office.

and told me what[br]a wonderful time he'd had.

And it was really true.[br]We really had had the most[br]enjoyable afternoon.

And so I figure if I have[br]to be the kind of girl that they[br]ask to pick up her own slides...

when they would never[br]ask anyone else[br]to pick up their own slides...

and if I have to be[br]the kind of girl that they[br]always forget at Starbucks...

then at least I'm[br]the kind of girl who gets[br]to meet people like Dr. Fu.

of the movie Houseguest.

So I wanted to be able[br]to be sure to say[br]something really nice...

about his latest film.

And maybe also because I had cancer[br]and my brother had cancer...

and my parents[br]were living with me...

maybe that also contributed[br]a little bit to my bad mood.

And he just didn't look very good.

He had his arms[br]crossed over his chest...

"I love that Sinbad.[br]I see him on TV. He's so funny.

"And your TV isn't working.

"The channels are out of sync[br]with the channels of the cable box.

"but I don't know what kind they like...

and you always get mad[br]when I get the wrong thing."

And I realized at this point[br]that Rita and Frank are underfoot...

And I should tell you at this point...

that for me to have[br]my parents in my house...

always meant that[br]every audio device available[br]was always on in the house.

The radio's on in the kitchen.[br]The stereo's on in the dining room.

The TV's on in the living room.[br]And there's not a lot of space[br]in between those places.

So I went to Pavillions.

so I decided to get a bunch.

And I was standing in line and...

buying $15.00 worth of cat food...

as a single woman in her mid-30s...

[Audience Laughing]

but it's the dry food that my cats hate.

So I picked it up to throw it out...

We're gonna save it[br]in the Tupperware."

And I see that he has[br]this little Tupperware bowl[br]behind him.

including into the soup[br]that is boiling over on the stove.

"that I charged onto their Visa bill...

"for the subscriptions[br]to the National Geographic[br]magazine...

"that I gave everybody for Christmas.

"And they want me[br]to pay them back[br]before they get their bill.

"So I wrote them a check[br]for a hundred dollars.

"And I am putting a note with it...

that says I don't want to have[br]any more dealings with you."

[Audience Laughing]

- How much less can you[br]have to do with them?[br]- [Audience Laughing]

And I just love[br]that I not only get[br]to be one of the recipients...

of the gift of the National Geographic[br]subscription...

I get to also know about all[br]of the trauma and subterfuge[br]around the paying for it.

which is something she does.

And she said...

"Everybody's talking...

"about the House of Blues.

"I love Blues.

"I love Blues and Gospel.

That's because I love Gershwin."

[Audience Laughing]

Now...

ten years ago[br]if my mother would have[br]said something like that to me...

I would have pointed out to her[br]that Gospel was not Gershwin...

but that they did share[br]the same first letter.

[Audience Laughing]

[Laughing]

And they're really[br]good old friends of theirs.

And they just love them.[br]And they live in Palm Springs.

And sometimes my parents[br]would go out there to visit them.

And to give you an idea[br]of Bob Pasby's personality...

once when he and his wife[br]came to L.A. to visit us...

and we all went out[br]for breakfast at 9:00[br]in the morning at Canter's...

and he ordered a boilermaker...[br][Snickers]

And we wanted to put[br]a sign out front...

And if anything wasn't[br]working in the house...

or even if a tree was a little droopy[br]out front...

started to inexplicably[br]lose all of the hair[br]on her back and on her sides.

so that we could pump[br]nourishment directly[br]into his stomach...

because he was having such[br]a hard time digesting food.

And this was working[br]pretty well...

but during this time[br]that we were alone together...

one night he suddenly started[br]having a reaction to it.

And he started throwing up[br]and throwing up...

and it didn't look like[br]there was any end in sight.

And Mike was really reluctant[br]to go to the hospital.

we both agreed that he just had[br]to go to Emergency.

down Beverly Boulevard[br]to Santa Monica Boulevard...

to Wilshire Boulevard[br]to Westwood.

And when you're driving at that time...

there is nobody else on the road...

and L.A. really becomes[br]the desert that it was always meant to be.

trying not to throw up in the car...

and he was wearing[br]his Reservoir Dogs T-shirt...

which was worn thin[br]and stained by then.

And that was really unusual.

Mike just never asked "why."

and they could see that Mike[br]was really dehydrated.

But all of the veins[br]in his arms were exhausted...

so they were trying to get[br]this needle in up over his ear[br]to get a saline solution in.

and I was looking[br]in the doorway at this.

And just to show you[br]what a wonderfully dark[br]sense of humor Mike had...

in even the most horrific[br]of circumstances...

he turned to me[br]at this point and said...

And I looked at Mike like...

and then he got worse.

And it was around this time[br]that the family made this[br]nonverbal shift in our hopes.

And we stopped praying[br]for Mike to get better...

and we started to pray[br]for an end to his suffering.

Then my mother started to talk[br]about Mike possibly dying...

and going to heaven.

Heaven.

It reminded me of when[br]I was a junior in high school...

and I was taught religion class[br]by Father Fitterer.

And he was a Jesuit...

"Perhaps heaven is an instant.

"Perhaps if there was[br]no time after death...

"heaven is just that light[br]at the end of the tunnel...

Heaven is an instant."

And while this idea[br]might sound very simple[br]to you and me...

and finally I found her[br]in the back bathroom[br]Comet-ing out the tub.

"maybe heaven is just that light[br]at the end of the tunnel[br]and then it's just like that.

Heaven is an instant."

took the other hand[br]and slapped me across the cheek.

And I could never understand why[br]she would have that reaction.

But maybe you don't walk[br]into the bathroom[br]of a Catholic mother of five...

who's Comet-ing out the tub[br]and tell her that heaven is an instant.

[Audience Laughing]

that Mike receive the last rites.

I was actually opposed to this[br]because I didn't want[br]to send Mike a signal...

that we didn't think[br]he was going to make it.

when I was spending time[br]with Mike alone in the hospital...

and he was actually having[br]a pretty good day...

and we were playing[br]this game of Scrabble...

in came Father Sullivan[br]in his Roman collar...

clearly there to give Mike[br]the last rites.

- Immediately asked him for his card.[br]- [Audience Laughing]

- Started quizzing him on his credentials.[br]- [Cello]

Mike received the last rites.

and eventually his organs[br]started to go one by one.

He had the heart and lungs[br]of a 31-year-old male...

and he was just going to[br]keep on going a bit.

why Mike was still alive.

perhaps it was just[br]psychological at this point.

Maybe Mike just wasn't[br]emotionally ready to go.

So they sent this therapist in[br]to talk to Mike...

and she sat in a chair[br]next to his hospital bed...

"I want you to visualize[br]that you're on a trampoline right now.

"And imagine yourself[br]going up and down...

"and up and down...

"and really feel yourself[br]going up and down.

And now I want you to imagine[br]just jumping off to the side a little bit."

finally giving up[br]all control meant that[br]he ultimately gained some.

I was scheduled for my hysterectomy.

And I sincerely wanted[br]my parents to just go back home.

I just figured that we were all so sick...

of being around people who were sick.

But they insisted on staying...

"My friends who've had[br]hysterectomies didn't have to have...

- Their parents there with them."[br]- [Audience Laughing]

"They got to have[br]their hysterectomies on their own."

And I went into Cedars-Sinai[br]for about five days.

He didn't read. He didn't watch TV.

He didn't even listen to the radio.[br]He just stared at me.

- And I was so glad[br]to be on the morphine.[br]- [Audience Laughing]

"We were able to get out all[br]the tumor that we could see.

"because your ovaries emit[br]these hormones which you need.

"But we're going to recommend[br]that you get about nine weeks[br]of radiation...

"and this could adversely affect[br]Your ovaries.

"So we took the opportunity[br]while we were in there...

"to move your ovaries up[br]about a foot and a half...

out of the rays of the radiation."

and then have[br]a surrogate mother have[br]the child for you."

[Audience Laughing]

"I should tell you that[br]the radiation could still...

"So I would recommend[br]that we go in now.

We could harvest about 12 eggs."

"to just hold onto[br]these eggs by themselves.

who your sperm donor's[br]going to be... now."

"I don't know if now[br]is the exact moment to say to Carl...

"the next time he comes into town...

- "'why not fertilize all my eggs?[br]- [Audience Laughing]

but how many sperm donor people[br]could I have?"

[Audience Laughing]

"who I think I could possibly[br]fall in love with one day...

"And then we would hire[br]some woman to have this child...

eager to help me in any way they could.

And I was in[br]a tremendous amount of pain...

And I tried very hard not to take[br]the prescription painkillers...

that my physicians[br]had prescribed for me.

I just figured if I could endure[br]the pain on my own...

and if I could do the thing[br]where you visualize the pain...

and then encompass it[br]and transcend it...

I would really enjoy[br]those Percodan a lot more later[br]with a margarita.

[Audience Laughing]

the name of the game is[br]to have fluids running[br]through your body.

[Audience Laughing]

to just go back home.

I was able to do this partially because...

had decided to come down[br]from Aspen to help see me[br]through the radiation process.

either a source of comedy[br]or a reason to be in therapy.

And I've always thought of them[br]as kind of wacky and provincial...

and I always jumped on[br]the dysfunctional-family bandwagon...

but it wasn't until that year...

when the shit really hit the fan...

that I saw how ultimately[br]functional they really were.

And when I think of[br]the hundreds of images[br]that I now have in my head...

of my father filling out[br]Social Security forms[br]late into the night...

or of my mother whipping up[br]Jell-O for Mike in the kitchen...

or each of them taking[br]one of Mike's arms[br]when he was too weak...

to walk to the car by himself.

And I think of how horrible[br]that must have been...

to have brought a child into this world...

only to have to[br]help him out of it again.

And as the Toyota drove away...

I realized that my feelings[br]for them had deepened so much.

for the big[br]radiation extravaganza.

so I could get my radiation.

just like I had done for Mike.

And I'm sure I had[br]an oddly amused expression[br]on my face when I came out...

"How weird is this?"

And it was so strange[br]to suddenly be on the other side[br]of this experience...

that I just had with Mike.

It almost felt like[br]we were square dancing.

One morning I woke up...

and when you have someone[br]pass away...

who's as close to you[br]as Mike was to me...

it's almost as if the synapses[br]in your brain...

don't all get the message[br]all at once.

And especially in[br]that moment of waking...

that they've died.

And one morning I woke up[br]and I walked down the hallway...

and my eye caught this glimpse[br]of a picture of Mike...

And it was as if I had just heard[br]that Mike had died.

And I wanted to go running[br]down the hallway and bang[br]on David's bedroom door and say...

"Mike died. Mike died.!"

of the fire-stop to me.

sometimes they burn this ring[br]around the outside of it...

so that when the fire gets[br]to the dead area...

it just naturally comes to a stop.

meant that we[br]immediately had to go see[br]The Bridges of Madison County.

[Audience Laughing]

and so there David and I were[br]in line...

for the first matinee[br]at like 10:00 in the morning...

- Me already crying.[br]- [Audience Laughing]

when the entire audience[br]burst into tears and started crying...

I stopped crying and didn't cry again[br]for another week.

happened to be from Spokane.

But we didn't know each other.[br]She was a few years ahead.

But we'd both been taught[br]by Sister Antionella.

And we remembered[br]when Sister Antionella[br]taught us Emerson...

and she made us memorize[br]the quote...

"Give me health and a day...

and I will make the pomp[br]of emperors ridiculous."

And she said she did.[br]She heard that she'd moved to an[br]Indian reservation in Montana...

and she was teaching[br]the children there.

I would think about[br]Sister Antionella...

and I would wonder how[br]the children were taking her.

one of your ovaries."

"He told me that one of[br]my ovaries might die because of[br]the effects of the radiation.

"I don't mean that[br]one of your ovaries has died.

"I mean that we've lost[br]one of your ovaries.

"We've been looking[br]at these X rays...

- But this ovary over here[br]has gone off somewhere."[br]- [Audience Laughing]

- To travel."[br]- [Audience Laughing]

"I guess I could understand that.[br]If I were an ovary...

"and I suddenly didn't have to deal with[br]that fallopian tube anymore...

I might just want[br]to see some stuff."

- We just have to keep[br]an eye out for it."[br]- [Audience Laughing]

and by ovary came floating by[br]a couple of months later.

than I did before this whole ordeal.

And my mother says[br]she finds herself driving out[br]to Holy Cross Cemetery...

all the time to visit Mike's grave.

She'll just be running an errand[br]downtown in Spokane...

and find herself absent-mindedly[br]driving towards the cemetery.

And she's part of this[br]womens' auxiliary group there.

"and we have all agreed that...

"You know theJesus that is up on the altar[br]at St. Augustin's?

"And he's just kind of hanging there.

"And he's so depressing-looking.

"And we all decided that[br]we'd really like a new Jesus.

"where you order those things[br]from Europe and whatnot.

- "oneJesus was just sadder than the next.[br]- [Audience Laughing]

"and legs that just go on for days.

"he's bench-pressing[br]that cross up there.

[Audience Laughing]

"And I showed him to the ladies...

"and we all agreed[br]that we wouldn't mind looking at him...

- "for an hour every Sunday.[br]- [Audience Laughing]

- And I call him my Sports Connection Jesus."[br]- [Audience Laughing]

back at my house.

miraculously grew back[br]all of her hair.

And he walked in[br]like he'd been walking in[br]every single day...

and he stayed.

And I still get[br]a lot of mail for Mike.

Mike subscribed to a lot[br]of different periodicals...

some of which[br]are starting to lapse.

And one of those[br]is to Buzz Magazine.[br]And in the last few months...

I've gotten two of those[br]computer-generated notices[br]for Mike...

But sometimes[br]when I'm sitting there I think...

"Why does it feel so empty?"

["God Shuffled His Feet"]

After seven days

He was quite tired

So God said

Let there be a day

Just for picnics

With wine and bread

He gathered up

Some people He had made

Created blankets[br]and laid back in the shade

The people sipped their wine

And what with God there

They asked Him questions

Like do you have to eat

Or get your hair cut

n heaven

And if your eye[br]got poked out in this life

Would it be waiting up[br]in heaven with your wife

God shuffled His feet

And glanced around

At them

The people cleared[br]their throats

And stared right back

At Him

So He said[br]once there was a boy

Who woke up with blue hair

To him it was a joy

Until he ran out

To warm air

He thought ofhow his friends[br]would come to see

God shuffled His feet

And glanced around

At them

People cleared their throats

And stared right back

At Him

[Audience Applauding]

- Thank you so much.[br]- [Applause Continues]

[Chuckles]

- Thank you.[br]- [Applause Continues]

[Chuckling]

Thank...[br][Laughing]

- I didn't expect this. [Laughing][br]- [Applause Continues]

Thank you so much.

- [Applause Continues][br]- [Laughing]

Ohh!

Thank you.