Original subtitles

- Love me darling?

- Pardon?

- I said,

do you love me?

- What do you think?

Come in.

- A cable for Monsieur.

- Oh thanks.

What time is it?

- It's three o'clock, Monsieur.

- In the afternoon?

- Tip darling.

- I haven't any money on me.

- How much did you give her?

- 10 francs.

- That's nearly a pound.

- Oh, what does it matter?

We're on our honeymoon.

- Oh no.

- What is it?

- The house has fallen through.

- But it can't, you signed the contract.

- Yes, our half but the other chap hasn't.

He's backed out.

- Oh well, we've two whole days before we worry about it.

- 43 hours, actually.

Oh well, we'll just have to get a furnished place

And start looking all over again, l suppose.

- We could go and stay with Daddy.

- No, it'd be better in our own place.

- It'd be cheaper.

- Well?

- Give you chance to get to know him.

- I know him already.

- No you don't, he's an old darling really.

- You're three minutes late, Lang.

- Your watch is fast.

- My watch is never fast.

- Never?

- I will take that tea in to Mrs. Munro.

- Mrs. Munro prefers me to take it.

- My daughter prefers me to take it.

- The tea will get cold.

- Since the days, Lang, when l rescued you

from the inept performance of small parts

in provincial theaters, I have become inured,

Amongst many miseries, to cold tea.

♪ Here's a great big fat girl twice the size of me ♪

Lang, have Fridella attend to me.

♪ She's the kind of girl to marry me me me me me ♪

♪ She's the kind of girl to marry me tiddly push ♪

Terrible fog in here, let's have some air.

Good morning darling.

Good morning Dexter, rise and shine.

- The old ham.

- You sure you don't want me to run you to work darling?

- Well your father's been kind enough to offer me a lift,

So there's no point in us both getting wet.

- Dexter, be so good as to open the garage doors.

There's no point in us both getting wet.

- No, well good bye till lunchtime Mrs. Munro.

- I'll think you every minute till then Mr. Munro.

And I'll think of you all the time too darling.

- Come along you two, you aught to have

Got over that sort of thing months ago.

Take that jacket off, you’ll make the seat wet.

The gate, Dexter.

Come on, Dexter.

Come on, man.

I'm sorry I can't take you any nearer to your office,

But I go a different way from here.

- Well, if you'd said that before.

- Yes?

- Oh, never mind it's only 10 minutes walk.

- Don't worry, I saw everything, it was self defense.

How terrible.

- Well, I thought it was rather good myself.

- Aye?

- We were only rehearsing my play, A Knife in the Back.

I play the leading role.

- At the Royal, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.

- One or two still available,

Store's half a crown, bench is one and six.

- I’m looking for a house.

- Who isn't?

Kindly deal with this person Miss Ledgeworth, will you?

- L'm looking for something small,

Well built, and not too expensive name.

- Name?

- Dexter Munro, and l'm already on

The books of seven other estate agents.

- Address?

- Elsinore, Beacons Cross, care of Sir Beverley Grant.

- Sir Beverley Grant?

- Yes.

- Are you staying with him, sir?

- Well, he's my father-in-law.

- Really?

I'll deal with this gentleman, Miss Ledgeworth.

- Oh, that's kind of you.

- Yes, not at all.

Your father-in-law, what a marvelous actor.

I model my belch on his.

And did you see his bottom at the Old Vic, tremendous.

- Yes, but about the house.

- Oh yes, of course, you'd like

to do something right away would you?

- Well, as soon as possible.

- Well, how about this afternoon?

My services are always at a client's disposal,

even on a Saturday afternoon.

- But Roddy, you promised you'd take me...

- Another time, another time Miss Ledgeworth.

- I don't want to spoil anything.

- No no, not at all.

Just gonna play tennis, you know.

We’ll play another game tonight instead, won't we yes?

Yes, now I'll pick you up at three o'clock

At Elsinore this afternoon, is that all right.

- Oh yes, it's very kind of you.

- Not at all lad.

Sir Beverley will be there won't he?

- Well, I expect he will.

- I'll certainly be there at three o'clock.

Glad to have been of help, good day then.

My foot is on the first rung of the ladder, Miss Ledgeworth.

Everyone tells me I must turn professional.

Now if I can get Sir Beverley to give me an audition...

- Could you get me one too, Roddy?

- Well now first things first, Lana.

It's what I've always wanted.

With my acting ability, and my sex appeal,

Nothing can stop me.

I can see my name flashing in Piccadilly right now,

Roderick Chipfield, Roderick Chipfield.

- Sir Roderick Chipfield.

- We mustn't rush things.

Wedgewood Travel Agency.

- Good morning.

Can I help you.

- Good morning, Miss Gadsgill.

Good morning, Mr. Donovan.

Morning, Miss Marthrop.

It's still coming down in buckets outside.

Sorry I'm a few minutes late, Mr. Wedgewood.

Still searching for the house.

I'll make up for lost time, don't you worry.

- Juliet, I've fixed up a foursome for us.

- You'll have to count us out.

- Why?

- We're going to look at some houses.

- What for?

- Dexter wants to buy one.

- What's the matter with this one?

It's warm, comfortable, spacious,

furthermore it has the measure of being free.

- Dexter appreciates that.

- Well what's the matter with him then?

- Don't you know, he just married.

- He's only himself to blame for that.

Why should I be made to suffer?

This house needs a woman in it.

- Well darling, you have got Lang.

- Lang, what have you been keeping from me all these years?

- Daddy listen, Dexter and I want a home of our own.

We like to be alone occasionally.

- Oh excuse me sir, hold it.

- Are you suggesting that l'm in your way?

- Well, you are a bit of an old goose berry sometimes.

Isn't he Dexter?

- Well, yes, sometimes.

I mean well, not exactly, only you know.

- I should hope not.

Anybody could live here without knowing of my existence.

I'm calm, considerate, self effacing,

And altogether delightful.

- Yes, but...

- People usually pay to enjoy my company.

You have it for nothing all the time.

Now go and get your clubs, I shall be in the car.

- Ah, Sir Beverley Grant, if I'm not mistaken.

Off for a quiet game of the old Scotsman's croquet, hey?

- Who are you?

- Roderick Shipfield sir, estate agent.

And occasional sterling player.

- Are you the individual who was endeavoring

To sell my son-in-law a house?

- Yes sir, I have that privilege.

- My son-in-law does not require a house.

My daughter prefers to remain with me.

- If I may say so sir, who can blame her?

- So there is no point in your hanging around.

Well?

- Can I ask a favour of you, sir?

- What is it?

- I’d be eternally grateful if you'd come and see

my performance in A Knife in the Back

At the local hall on Thursday night.

I've not only written the play sir, I'm also directing it,

And playing the leading role, a sex mad killer.

- Thank you very much, indeed.

- Then you'll come, sir?

- No, goodbye Mr. Chip.

- No, Chipfield sir.

- Come along you two, we shall be late.

- I’ve told you darling,

We're going to have a look at some houses.

- Aye, with Mr. Chipfield.

- How sharper than a serpent's tooth

it is to have a thankless child.

- King Lear.

- Oh bravo sir, very well done.

- Juliet?

- Yes, darling.

- Won't you come too sir, please, please?

Room for a small one in front.

- Very well.

You may not be willing to give up anything for your father,

but your father is perfectly willing to sacrifice

his weekly game of golf in order that you

should not be saddled with some suburban

Shangri-La at an inflated price.

Drive on.

Yes sir, right away.

- You have now spent 65 minutes searching for Rose Cottage,

A bijou gem set in a ledge floral surrounding.

Do you think there is any point in our going on any further?

- Oh it certainly is, Sir Beverley.

I haven't seen the property myself, yet.

I've got a feeling it's gonna be just what they want.

I'm sorry about this delay, Mr. Munro.

- Oh that's all right, if it's hard for you to find,

It will be hard for others too.

- No doubt we’ll be able to persuade the council

Do something about this road, sir.

Rumor has it they're building a motorway down here

that will greatly increase the value of the property.

- That sort of rumor Mr. Chesapeake,

Is only believed by the gullible or the half witted.

- I believe it, sir.

- Exactly.

Is that it?

- There we are sir, there.

- Oh, it's not bad darling.

- Not bad at all.

- Obviously, falling to pieces.

Reminds me of a cottage in Long Live the King,

A play I was in once.

- That was the one where Bonnie Prince Charlie

Was hiding in the apple tree, wasn't it?

- You're entirely wrong, I presume you refer

To Charles I I who hid in an oak tree.

- Anyway, you're terribly good playing royalty.

Do you play polo as well?

- Oh Dexter, a wishing well, isn't that romantic?

- I suppose it is.

- Nice unique feature actually, undoubtedly Elizabethan.

It's got the date on it here somewhere.

- 1666, it's a perfectly ordinary well,

The kind a pussy falls into.

It suggests there is no main water supply.

- Well water is so much healthier, you know.

It's delicious for the old Scotch, delicious.

I think pussy's been here already.

Oh, it's locked.

- Come along darling.

- Seems very solidly built.

Something tells me this is just what we need.

- Just as I thought, the whole place is falling to pieces.

- That's nothing to worry about.

- A couple of screws will soon put that right.

- Course they will.

- And after all, we can do it ourselves.

- We'll do everything ourselves.

Oh no, just a minute dear.

If you don't mind, I'd like to carry you over the threshold.

- Oh Dexter, what a darling idea, isn't it Daddy?

- Absolutely darling.

- Now you'll be able to lay a new floor

For yourselves, won't you?

- There we are, after you sir.

This way sir, mind your head.

- It's a bit small, isn't it.

- Much easier to warm up.

Now if you want a larger room,

You can knock down this dividing wall here.

- What a good idea.

- If you knock down that wall,

You’ll knock down the entire house.

- Now Daddy don't be such an old pessimist.

Dexter and I are going to have a look around on our own.

You stay here and talk to Mr. Chipfield.

Come on darling.

- Now sir I'm very, sir I'm very glad

To have the opportunity of this little chat with you.

You see I'm, I'm anxious to turn professional.

- Really with Tottenham Hotspur?

- Oh sir, you are quick.

- No, not Tottenham Hotspur sir, Harry Hotspur,

once more into the breach dear friends,

And all that old Vic stuff.

- Mr. Chipperfield, I fail to see why I should deprive

the property business of a bad actor

In order to supply the stage with a bad estate agent.

- It's not much of a kitchen darling.

- No, we’ll just have to start from scratch.

But try and imagine what it would look like.

A refrigerator there,

a sink unit there,

a stove there,

And a small cupboard over in the corner there.

You see what I’ve got in mind?

- Yes, I think I can.

Refrigerator,

sink unit,

stove,

and cupboards.

Yes, I know exactly what you mean.

But wouldn't it be a bit expensive?

- No, not if we're careful.

- Well, Daddy will take care of it.

- Juliet.

I'm not gonna take a penny.

- All right darling, not a penny.

We’ll have a chandelier up there,

Only a small one of course.

- Might that not be a wee bit ostentatious?

Careful with those floor boards.

- Oh Dexter, isn't it a darling?

We’ll have a four poster here, a big one.

And we’ll have cupboards all along that wall for my dresses.

And we’ll have another one her for my shoes.

- That will be marvelous.

Where am I gonna keep my clothes?

- In the spare room, I suppose.

Who are those people?

They've obviously come to look over the house.

- We're not to let them.

Tell Mr. Chipfield to send them away.

- Right.

Loose floor board.

- What's happened here?

- Somebody's in our garden.

Mr. Chipfield tell them to go away.

- Sorry Mrs. Munro, that's Mr. And Mrs. Trumper.

They're clients of ours too.

- Well tell them it's sold.

- Can't do that I'm afraid, it's up for auction.

You'll excuse me won't you sir?

- What are we gonna do?

- We'll put them off it, of course.

Daddy you must help us,

Even if it's only to annoy Mr. Chipfield.

Oh please darling, you're such a fabulous liar.

- Oh, Mr. And Mrs. Trumper.

- How do you do? - Good afternoon.

- So glad you were able to have

A second view of this delightful property.

Yes, opposition, they're crazy about this place too.

- Quite the pokiest cottage I've ever been in,

Riddled with dry rot, and the drains reeking of black fever.

- And it's a pity about the delinquent school next door.

- Oh, Dexter, oh, oh dear.

- I fell.

- Wasn't very clever.

- Well, well, well.

- Come along Cedric, he's just showing off.

- Excuse me.

- Of course.

- Really? - The idea.

Dexter, are you asleep?

Yeah.

- Do you think those ghastly people will buy our cottage?

- They might.

- Couldn't we definitely decide to buy it ourselves?

- It's an awfully big decision to make.

We better sleep on it.

- I do love it so.

Shan't sleep a wink worrying about it.

♪ Good morning my daughter ♪

Come on Dexter, rise and shine.

- That settles it.

We're gonna buy Rose Cottage or bust.

- Yes well, from what you're say Mr. Munro

it appears you'll not only have a delightful property

In Rose Cottage, also a fairly sound investment.

- Oh I knew that's what my best friend would say.

- I take it you propose to put up a

Small percentage of the purchase price.

- Exactly, yes.

- Yes while we, excuse me, while well we advance

the remainder using the house and your

Life insurance policy as security.

- Leaving me with ample reserves for improvements.

You know, carpets, curtains, etcetera.

- It remains to be seen whether your bid

- Lt remains to be seen whether your bid

Of 4000 pounds is successful at Friday's auction.

- Well I'll not bid a penny more.

- That's the sort of talk we like

To hear in the County Bank.

- Thanks.

- Apple Cottage.

- Rose Cottage, sir.

Of course.

- Oh, there's one.

- Kindly remove that car.

- I was here first.

- If you were here first,

your sixpence would be in the meter.

- Don't let him get away with it.

- Don't worry, I won't.

- Shall I get the police, Cedric?

- I'll deal with this Muriel.

Out, out.

- Say that again, if you dare.

- Out, out.

- Right that's done it.

- Now, now.

- You know perfectly well that...

- Quiet I say!

Who put the money in the meter?

- I did.

- Cheat.

- Oh you.

- Now then, you know the law sir.

This gentleman hired this space, so off you go or else.

- My foot.

- Come along, we'll be late for the auction.

- Do I give you a parking ticket or not?

Litter.

- Eight five, eight five I'm bid, eight five l'm bid.

Do I hear eight? 50, eight 750?

For the gentleman eight 750.

Do I hear 0000, do I hear 0000?

0000 I'm bid, 0000 pounds the first time,

nine for the second time,

Going for the last time at 0000 pounds.

Gone.

Thank you sir, congratulations, thank you very much.

Shifty eyed bloke with the blue rinse.

Well now we come to Rose Cottage, a Tudor paradise

Surrounded by health giving, country fresh air.

Birds in the trees, roses round the door,

Enchanting mod cons at the bottom of the garden.

- Go on, get on with it.

- Do you mind, sir?

I'm starring at this auction.

Now who'll start me off with a realistic bid?

Shall we say 5000?

Oh come along ladies and gentlemen, come on.

Who'll give me a bid, anything to get me going.

Come anything, anything, you sir?

1500.

- Oh really sir, no joking please.

- 3000.

- 3000, 3000 l'm bid, 3000 I'm bid.

Three one, three one.

Three two, do I hear?

Three two at the back there, three two?

Three three anywhere, three three, three three?

All the threes, 33, all the threes, 33.

Three and four, 34, 34.

Three five at the back there, three five.

3500, any advance on three five?

Three five, 3000, three five, 3500.

3500 going for the first time at three five.

Going for the second time, 3500.

For 3500 pounds.

- Three six, three six I'm bidding.

- Three six, 3600.

Three six, three 600, three 600.

Three seven, three seven, 3700.

Three eight, three eight, 36, three eight, 36.

Three nine, three nine, three nine.

Do I hear four?

Four, 4000, blind 40, blind 40 I'm bid, 4000 I'm bid.

4000 I'm bid by the distinguished looking

gentleman in the glasses there.

Thank you sir, thank you very much.

400 l'm bid, any advance on 4000?

I'm going for the first time at 4000 pounds.

Going at 4000 for the second time.

And for the last time 4000 pounds.

Four one I'm bid, four one, four one I'm bid.

Four one I'm bid, four one l'm bid.

Do I hear four two, do I hear four two?

- Cedric, you're mad, we've reached our limit.

Do I hear four two?

Four two I'm bid.

- You promised, no higher than 4000.

- Oh.

- 4200, any advance on 4000 two?

- 4000 three, and damn the consequences!

- That's the spirit now, 4000 three,

And to hell with the consequences.

Do I hear four four?

Four four l'm bid, four four.

All the fours, 44.

Four five, four five l'm bid, four five.

- Four six, 4000 six.

Four six I'm bid, four six l'm bid.

Any advance on four six?

This is terribly exciting.

4600, 4600 going at for the first time.

Going at 4600 for the second time.

At 4600 pounds,

bingo.

I mean sold for 4600 pounds to the lady

In the charming red and blue straw hat.

- That's no lady, that's my wife.

- The Rose Cottage is yours aye?

Did you go to the 4000?

- 4600 actually.

- 600 more than we anticipated.

- Well you see there was a bit of a mix up.

But the place is well worth the extra money.

- I suppose you expect us to advance you the sum required.

Yes,

well now.

Yes, well I think we can authorize that,

as long as you don't expect the bank

On every occasion to subsidize your mix ups.

- Oh no.

- Sign there please.

We’ll fill in the details later.

- Oh, sorry.

To Rose Cottage.

- Rose Cottage, our first home.

Aren't you excited?

- I’ve always wanted to live in the country.

Just listen to those birds.

- I can hear cows too.

- Do you know something?

This is the first meal that you've ever made for me.

- Actually darling, Lang made the sandwiches.

- Oh really, oh well, never mind.

I'm sure they'll be delicious anyway.

- Oh Dexter, the cows are coming down our lane.

- They'll make an awful mess of the road.

Still, they look very picturesque.

Watch it, watch it, watch it.

- What do you think you're doing?

- Oh Dexter don't leave me.

- It's all right they won't harm you.

- Afternoon.

Where do you think you're going?

- Canther's meadow, yonder.

- Then go around by the lane,

And get those cows off my property.

- You bought Rose Cottage then?

- Yes I have.

- Then you know all about the right away?

Watch it Christine.

- What right of way?

- Dexter they're stampeding.

- This is outrageous, I'll call the police.

- All right.

- At least I would if I had a phone.

- I'll take a message if you'd like.

But the Captain knows all about the right of way.

- I'll write to my M P about this.

- The last lot did that too, but it didn't get them nowhere.

Come on there Lynn, now watch Jack, damn you naughty boy.

That's it, that's it.

Well, see you next Thursday then.

Good afternoon.

Come on then, come on Bluebell.

- Have they gone?

Yes, you can come down now darling.

They've all gone.

- Oh right.

- Everything's all right, don't be afraid.

Come on and give us a nice big kiss.

- Morning Lana, baby.

- You're half an hour late.

- I’ve been compiling a dossier on a most valuable property.

- Harvard Hall?

- Roderick Chipfield, the man with a million faces.

I'll show you.

Tom Brown's school days.

Look back in anger.

Dr. Jekyll.

Mr. Hyde.

The invisible man.

When Sir Beverley sees these, I'll be made.

And so Lana baby, will you.

- Oh Roddy.

- L'm going to do what no estate agent has ever done before.

See if I could be of assistance

After the house has been sold.

What's this?

Daddy must have sent them.

Don't be angry darling, he's only trying to help.

- Bulstrodes of Belgravia.

By appointment to the nobility.

That means another 50 % on the bill.

- Don't worry darling.

He's probably only giving an estimate.

- Well these tiles will most certainly have to be relayed.

And at the same time I suggest we repaint

The chimney stacks and check the gutters.

All right sir?

- Yes, windows will have to be

Repainted and the sashes checked.

- What's going on?

- This is my daughter and son-in-law

who are going to I’ve here.

- Morning sir.

Shall we continue with the interior?

Very well.

- You see my whole aim is to do away with

This ghastly oldy worldy, tea shoppy, country cottage motif.

And that'll have to go.

- Yes.

- And I suggest we eliminate this wall leading to the hall,

with perhaps a picture window here with

A terrazzo leading through to the lawn.

- I'm quite content to leave

The artistic details to you, agreed Juliet?

- I think that's a lovely idea.

- I thought we were gonna do everything ourselves?

- If this cottage is even to be remotely tolerable

- If this cottage is even to be remotely tolerable

It’ll have to be done up by experts.

- Yeah, but wait a minute.

I'm not a millionaire you know.

- You were saying Mr. Bolingbroke?

- I thought the color motifs would be yellow and apricot.

They're the colours of the season you know.

- And green.

- Yes, in moderation.

- I don't want to interfere, but...

- What is it Dexter?

- Well this happens to be my cottage and I'll decorate it

As I want it without interference from anyone.

Now get out, the lot of you.

- A nice show of gratitude, I must say.

- It is Dexter's cottage darling.

- There was a time when my efforts

To provide you with comfort was appreciated.

- But Dexter wants to do it his way.

- Very well.

- L'm sorry darling.

- That's all right.

But Daddy's so sensitive.

- Oh I know.

- Do you really think we’ll be able to do it all ourselves?

- Aye, and for what we can't do we can find a country

Workman whose prices will be more within our means.

- Hello, hello there sir.

Looking round the old love nest?

Remember me?

- No audition.

- Oh sir, before you make such

An unwise decision do look at these.

You'll see me in an entirely new light sir.

- Young man I have no wish to view your snapshots.

- But I'm the man with a million faces, sir.

- L'm satisfied at least you have more than one.

- Oh sir, look.

- Good Heavens.

- Surprises you, aye sir?

I'm a master of the old disguise.

- Disguise, that is major surgery.

Sir, that's supposed to be there at all.

- Don't apologise, I admire your versatility.

- What, oh but this isn't me sir.

But this one is here.

Would you like to see my widow twankey?

- Some other time, Cuddles.

- What, oh but you wont be wasting your time sir,

I can assure you, I’ve got.

- He must be inside.

No messing about aye, gets on with the job.

What's that noise, is it the radio?

- I suppose so.

♪ But you know just where I'll be ♪

♪ I'm gonna scrub a scrub scrub scrub a scrub yeah yeah ♪

♪ Scrub a scrub scrub scrub a scrub yeah yeah ♪

♪ Until my baby comes home to me ♪

♪ I'm gonna scrub a scrub scrub scrub a scrub yeah yeah ♪

♪ Scrub a scrub ♪

- Oh, there you are Mr. Wicks.

- Good morning sir.

We were just taking advantage of

Our tea break to have a little rehearsal.

I don't think you've met my three assistants, have you?

- No.

That there, that's Stan.

He's on electricals and tenor solos.

And we got Ron, he's brick works and guitar.

- Hello.

And then that's our Wally,

He's on plumbing and harmony.

- Professionally known as The Scrubbers.

- And of course yours truly, Jack of all departments.

Get the lady a chair Stan, come on.

- I won't sit down, thank you very much.

- Have you decided on everything that's needed, Mr. Wicks?

- Well, that's just what we've been discussing sir.

I mean you don't want to rush into

Any needless expense now do you?

- Well, we'd like an estimate as soon as possible.

- Ah yes, well I'm afraid you’ll have to wait

a day or two for that because you see,

Mrs. Wick, you see, she's the accountant.

And she's got a, well she's poorly.

- But it isn't gonna cost all that much, is it?

- Oh no no, very little, very little indeed, considering.

- Considering.

- Well, how long before we can move in?

- Oh, let's find out.

Let's see now, what's the date then?

- Friday.

- Friday is it?

Well that's the fifth, that's the 1? Th, 10th.

Well that would be a bit, oh not long.

Well this won't do will it?

Time's money men.

- You shouldn't be here talking with us you know

Because we're on your time ain't we?

- Wiring all right Mr. Wicks?

- Oh well it's a bit out of date.

But nothing that can't be put right, aye Stan?

- How much is it going to cost?

- Oh, very little Ma'am, it's just a little job.

These old fuse boxes are perfectly all right.

Pliers please Stan.

Provided you treat them right.

See they're never any good, these old fuse boxes.

Well I never, look at that.

This must have been an arms dump during the war.

That's more like it.

- What's that then?

- That's a swallows nest.

If we was Chinese, we'd make soup out of that.

- How's it going, any trouble?

- Oh no just a few toes missing,

And a bit loose guttering, nothing to worry about.

- About a half a day's work, in fact.

- Oh if that, if that Mr. Munro, hey Ron?

- Yeah, that's about the size of it.

- Good, good.

- Is everything all right?

- Oh perfect.

The way things are gone we should be in in 10 days.

Well, a fortnight anyway.

- I was under the impression that

My assistance was no longer required.

- Oh don't be silly.

I told you Dexter didn't mean that.

- You told me my dear, your husband did not.

- Well he will now, won't you darling?

Won't you darling?

- Well naturally I didn't mean to be rude.

It was just that I was getting so worried about the expense.

I'm sorry.

- I accept your apology unreservedly.

And I think the curtain material quite delightful

And inexpensive at two pounds a yard.

- This looks like Mr. Wicks' estimate.

Might as well start off with the bad news first thing.

Gee whiz.

- Anything wrong, Dexter?

- 033 pounds, 11 and five pence.

- That, I dare say, is only a beginning.

- He says the whole roof will have to be redone.

- L'm sure he does.

That's how these small time builders exist.

- Listen to this.

For plumbing, 305 pounds.

- Ridiculous, you'll have to go and see him straightaway.

- I can't, I've already had one day off this week.

- Well somebody's got to go.

Your name Wicks?

- That's right sir.

Joshua Wicks, plumber and builder,

And sometime interior decorator.

What's this then?

- Your estimate, it's far too high.

I prefer to go through it with you item by item.

- So be it.

- Is this one of the skilled labor force

- ls this one of the skilled labor force

Enumerated on page one, section six?

- No, he's my mate

- Yeah.

- To fetch your tools when you forget them, I suppose.

- I’d be obliged sir if we could dispense

With the customary humor about plumbers and their mates.

The modern sanitary engineer doesn't

Forget nothing, and neither does his mate.

- Indeed.

- Hey Josh.

- You'll be suggesting next that young Ron here

Has come to say that he's forgotten our dinner.

- How did you know?

I warn you sir, it ain't safe up here, is it Ron?

- No, it's falling to bits, look at this.

- There's no need to make it worse than it already is.

This part's perfectly sound anyhow.

- Oh, but that's one of the good ones.

Look at it, it's disgusting, disgust I'll tell you.

- Wait till see the chimney stack,

it's cracked right in the middle.

Let's show him Ron, come on.

- There it is.

- What's the matter, nervous?

- Certainly not.

- Well you aught to be, 'cause bit here

Is condemned, as per page three, item 17.

- On the contrary.

This section of the roof is perfectly sound.

I aught to know, I've played...

- Are you all right down there, sir?

Perfectly, one thing my profession

Has taught me is how to fall.

Well mind where you put your feet.

We do want you going through the ceiling now do we?

I'll have young Ron, bring a ladder to you.

Come on Ron.

The revised estimate for roof,

Two dozen more slates, new joists and underpinning.

Say 23, 10?

Plus new bedroom ceiling, say 42 pound.

They never learn.

-? 3 pounds, 10.

4? Quid.

Can you spare me a moment, Mr. Wedgewood?

Well, the fact is that I've been working pretty hard lately

and it's two years now since I last asked you for a,

what with my new house and the unforeseen expenses,

Well I expect you can guess what I'm about to say.

I wouldn't have brought the matter up only,

course if business hasn't been too good lately and you,

You don't feel that this is the right time?

Well, thanks anyway forgiving my suggestion your

Kind consideration.

♪ Scrub scrub scrub a scrub ♪

♪ Until my baby comes home to me ♪

♪ Have a couple of guys up ♪

♪ We're gonna scrub a scrub scrub scrub a scrub ♪

♪ Scrub a scrub scrub scrub a scrub ♪

- Morning. - Morning.

Morning Joshua.

- Oh morning sir, in my defense they...

- Hello, hello.

Everything all right Mr. Munro?

- Oh fine, fine.

Apart from paying too much for the house,

I have to take two weeks unpaid holiday,

and the builders estimate goes up on

An average of 50 pounds a day.

- Jolly good.

- What do you want, anyway?

- I was hoping to snatch a word

With your delightful father-in-law.

He's anxious to browse through my scrapbook.

Would you care to?

- Sir Beverley's not here now and l'm busy.

- Well, is there any chance of him turning up later then?

- Unfortunately yes.

- Well in that case I'll wait if you don't mind.

- As you wish, but keep away from that wall.

- Oh why?

- L'm about to knock it down.

- No no, pickaxe.

No no, pickaxe.

Oye, watch it!

- Allow me.

Pickaxe.

It's stuck.

- Aye, I can see that.

I'll have to knock it out from the other side.

When I shout right, I'll bash and you pull, right?

- Right.

- Right?

- Right.

- Right?

- Call this a bath?

It's too narrow, it's too shallow,

the plug hole is inaccessible,

And the taps are in the wrong position.

It's nothing more than an exaggerated bidet.

- It's the standard model for the bijou residence sir.

Most of our customers prefer the taps in that position.

- I prefer to turn on my bath

With my hands, not with my feet.

The taps should be here in the middle.

- But Daddy, that sort's far too expensive.

- Don't let spoil the tub for the hate of the tap.

I want to enjoy my bath when I come to stay with you.

Let's see if you can't find something better somewhere.

Now, what about that one over there?

- Oh no.

- This is our deluxe suite sir.

As you can see it has the single type faucet,

Tastefully disguised in the shape of a dolphin.

And, as you require, set into

The wall in the central position.

- How much?

- 300 guinea sir, delivery in one week.

- Daddy, we can't possibly let you do it.

- Is there a lavatory included?

- Yes sir.

- Where is it?

Oh, I beg your pardon.

- Would you care to try the bath for size, sir?

- Naturally.

That's better, have a good splash in this.

All these gadgets work?

Don't me mad, you idiot!

Why on Earth didn't you tell me

This water was turned on, you imbecile?

- Wrong towel sir.

- If I carry on like this I'll be

- If I carry on like this I'll be

Too tired to give Sir Beverley an audition.

- There's only this wee bit left.

- Can you spare a minute, Mr. Munro?

- What is it?

- Well, what we always say in the building trade is

There's always surprises around the corner.

Some's good and some's bad.

You have to take the rough with the smooth.

Well, to cut a long story short, as you might say.

It's the roof, wood rot.

The whole lot will have to come down.

- How much?

- Without, as you might say, committing myself,

300 pound, give or take 50 or so.

- Why didn't someone tell me this before?

- Always have trouble with these cottage conversions.

I don't know why people ever buy them.

What I mean is, the surveyor should have noticed.

You did have a surveyor, didn't you?

- There wasn't time.

- Wasn't time?

He never knew.

Well, back to work, time's money.

- Blessing in disguise really.

All these improvements you're making

Will greatly increase the value of the property.

Not only that, I'm saving you a great deal of money

By helping you knock down this wall.

- Here, what's going on then?

Ls this it?

Yes.

What's it being used for, target practice?

- Oh Lang.

- You've got about as much chance of moving

in here this month as I have of dancing

The pasodoble with Dame Margot Fonteyn.

- Daddy don't be like that.

You wait until we get inside, Dexter's working wonders.

- Oaf!

- L'm terribly sorry.

- Don't worry, he was always was a sucker for slapstick.

Oh, nice big room.

- Yes, it'll look even bigger when the ceiling's finished.

- The proper way to whitewash your ceiling

is for the brush never to leave the surface

except when dipped in the pot.

- Yeah yeah.

- And you missed that bit over there.

- I haven't got to that bit yet.

- What kind of wallpaper are you going to have?

- We're not having wallpaper, we're distempering.

- False economy, distemper flakes, you must have paper.

- Here we go again.

- You keep out of this.

- How about a nice floral design?

- Can't think of anything quite so disgusting.

What this room needs is something perfectly simple.

I will endeavor to find it.

- We're not having wallpaper.

- Bath's arrived.

I do hope you like it.

- Oh, I'm sure I will, I'll go and get Mr. Wicks.

Oh, would you mind?

- Not at all.

- Daddy.

- Hello hello sir, having a bath?

I was just passing, so I thought I'd just...

- Chipster I neither know nor care what you want.

You've chosen the most inappropriate moment to call.

- You said you'd be good enough to have a look...

- Now now, thank you.

I'm supervising what's certain

to be a most delicate operation.

- Well, I'm glad to give you a hand Sir Beverley.

Whilst I'm doing that, perhaps I can tell you about...

- Careful there, careful.

- Directed by Roger Chipfield, who will

also be appearing in the role of...

Steady there.

- Sir Walter Raleigh.

It's a very historically festival.

It'll be very colorful and I shall

Personally supervise the whole, hey.

- Must you always draw attention yourself Mr. Chipmunk?

- I don't blame you being down there sir, please.

Times money you know.

Come on up with it lads, pitch it up.

- Put all that rubbish down and lend a proper hand.

- Right away sir.

Wait a minute, my finger's caught,

my finger's caught in the hole.

- Remove it.

- Mind the paintwork

- Take the crate off it.

- We'll have to get the casing off, come on.

You aught to ordered a shower you know.

- Now get it erect.

- Watch the paintwork

- Watch what you're doing you half witted nincompoops.

- Oh wait, it's my father-in-law.

I'm sorry.

The best thing is to get this round in the door,

And then we can get it over the bannister.

Watch the woodwork.

- Stop sucking your finger and go and give them a hand.

- Tip it over this side, now come 'round to it.

- Lend a hand Mr. Chipfield, come on.

- I'll give you a hand, I've got it here.

- Mr. Chipfield, you're in the way.

- You'll have to get over the other side,

just get over to this side.

- I don't know whether I can, I'll try.

I can't get my foot out down here.

I'll hold on up here.

- Mr. Chipfield, are you all right?

- Don't come in, l'm in the bath.

- Oh dear.

- He always has a bath Fridays.

- Well, what do we do now then?

- Take it outside and start again.

- Come on boys, get it in.

- Go on there Bluebell, go on there me darling.

Afternoon.

- You cow.

There she goes, now gently, up.

Hold her there, hold it.

This will clean up a treat, smashing.

- It looks lovely Daddy, absolutely divine.

- Certainly does, well worth all the trouble.

Don't you think so, Dexter?

There she is, now hold her there.

Oh oh, no no, wait a minute.

That's it yeah yeah, now forward, no forward.

- It's in the immortal Micawber, annual income? 0 pounds,

- It's in the immortal Micawber, annual income? 0 pounds,

Annual expenditure? 0 ought six, result misery.

You are heading for misery Mr. Munro.

- You see there have been one or two

Unexpected expenses in connection with Rose Cottage.

- That sir, is putting it mildly.

- The trouble is I can't get the workmen out.

- What they haven't finished yet?

Well there's only one way to get them out.

You must move in immediately.

- But the central heating isn't finished yet.

- Central heating?

Even Mrs. Gallagher and I haven't central heating.

So far as this bank is concerned, this extravagant

And reckless spending spree must cease forthwith.

In no circumstances whatsoever are we prepared

To advance you any more money.

- I must have a hundred or two.

- Then I suggest you borrow it from your father-in-law.

- I’d rather shoot myself.

- And don't expect the bank to pay for your funeral.

Good day sir.

- Poor daddy, he's going to be so lonely.

- Well, he's got Lang.

Not bad, aye?

- It's lovely.

- Just a minute.

I'll carry you over the threshold properly this time.

Upsie Daisie.

- Oh look, it's from Mr. Wicks.

Don't use front door, use back.

- It's not.

- This is all I've ever wanted.

- Me too.

Mind you I'll I feel happier

When I've got curtains in this window.

- I don't know why you worry about it.

Nobody can see us.

- All the same, I think I'll put up this blanket.

Oh, damn.

- Don't worry darling, moonlight's very romantic.

Do you love me?

- What was that?

Oh no.

- Where is everyone?

- In bed.

- Well, it's only 10 o'clock, open up.

- What does he want?

- That's what I’d like to know.

- An old man brokered with the storms of state

Has come to lay his weary bones among ye.

Couldn't let you face it alone.

- But we were just getting into bed.

Be careful of that,

We must christen the house in an appropriate manner.

- I suppose you'd better come in.

- Do you mind if I have the room facing south?

- But that's our room.

- Otherwise I shall keep you awake all night with my asthma.

♪ The young man he was no good ♪

♪ He took me into a shady wood ♪

♪ He done me all the harm he could ♪

♪ And now he's joined the Army ♪

♪ Twiddle da Dee da dum ♪

♪ Da Dee da dum da Dee dum da Dee ♪

Come along now, rise and shine, seven o'clock.

You are 10 minutes late.

I presume you will dispense with your tea break

in order to make up the deficiency.

- Here here, wait a minute.

Furthermore,

I want all services connected at once.

- Can't be done sir.

- Why not, have you forgotten your tools?

- I’ve already had occasion to remonstrate with you

About casting aspersions on the plumbing profession, sir.

The modern sanitary engineer

Is like the proverbial elephant.

- And just as slow.

- Wally, where's Wally?

- Hey, we must have forgot him.

- Which of you is the senior electrician?

- I have that honor.

Take me to your circuit box.

- It ain't ready, sir.

- Do as you're told.

- As you say sir.

- What are you, a fugitive from Jukebox Jury?

- No you see, I'm on the roofing.

And I finished, and I’ve come to collect all my gear.

- Well see that you got it all cleared up by lunchtime.

- Yes, lunchtime tomorrow.

- Juvenile delinquent.

- Right, fuse circuit, main switch right?

Down on, up off, right?

- 15 amps, that's no good at all.

- But the electricity board says that...

- I don't give a damn what they say, I want 30 amps.

- But you'll overload the circuit.

- Great heavens man.

Do you mean to say you haven't

Rewired for 30 amps like I told you?

Look sir, these sort of jobs can't be rushed.

With all due respect sir, I can't go...

- I know what I'm doing.

I played Edison in Let There be Light.

- I don't play if you played Left Out for Chelsea,

electricity board regulations...

- Do as I say.

- Oh well, if you think you know better

than me and the whole southern region.

- I do.

- A one, two, three, four.

♪ She's oh so sweet the one I need ♪

- I'll give him 30 amps.

♪ Off my feet ♪

- Oh dear, oh dear.

- I’ve heard of going off like a bomb,

but this is ridiculous.

- 30 amps aye?

That never learn.

- No no, no no, look look, fold as you go, see.

Like this.

- Oh I see, I'll get another piece.

Not as easy as it looks.

- Never mind, here's another piece.

- Just testing the circuits.

Damn fools.

What do you think you're doing?

- Hanging wallpaper.

- Then I suggest you hang it straight.

- It is a bit crooked darling.

- Does it matter at all that much?

- Of course it does.

If you're going to do a job, you must do it properly.

It wants shifting about two inches to the right.

Wasn't any good anyway.

- Get a rag, that ought to hold it surely.

Hang on, and I'll get one.

Hey, Mr. Wicks.

- What's the matter, can't you find a bit of rag?

You see, we never forgot him, he come on his bike.

- Is the water turned on yet?

- Before turning on the water, it is necessary...

- Don't make excuses man, turn it on at once.

- If we must, so be it.

Walter, Water if you please.

- Hey but Mr. Wicks.

- I am no longer in charge here Walter.

Do as the gentleman says.

- What's that, air?

Soon get rid of that.

Do something man, do something.

- You mustn't muck about like that sir, you'll choke it.

- They never learn.

- Right? - Right.

Now a little bit more to the left.

How's that?

- Fine, we are doing well.

- That's better.

- Well done Daddy, you're clever too.

- That paper's not properly butted.

As the paste dries, the paper contracts.

- And I suppose you think you can do it better.

- Of course I can, give me that brush.

- I'll do nothing of the sort.

- Now Daddy, you do the pasting.

I've got lots of other things to do.

- Come on man.

- Thanks.

- Whoops, nearly right it in Sir Beverley.

Very comical but a bit sticky around the old buttocks.

I say, you know Mr. Munro you're turning this place

Into a regular little Shangri, proper little paradise.

- What do you want, and why are you wearing

That ridiculous apology for a beard?

- Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, Sir Beverley.

Besides, l'm playing Sir Walter Raleigh

In the pageant, remember?

That's why I came in actually sir.

A couple of tickets for the VIPs enclosure.

You won't be wasting your time, Sir Beverley.

I'm at my best in the well known

Puddle scene with Queen Elizabeth.

- I wish you'd puddle off, Mr. Chipfield.

We're trying to get some work done.

- Well I'll help you.

Delighted yeah, yeah.

- What are you doing?

- Just shifting this to other end of the room.

- Allow me Sir Beverley.

Mustn't over do it at your age.

I beg your pardon sir.

Nearly put your foot in it, Mr. Munro.

- I don't want to seem ungrateful, but I think I could

Do this job much better without assistance.

- It's perfectly all right sir, no trouble at all.

There.

I'm sorry sir.

- Idiot.

- Now, 'round here.

- Remove it.

Paper.

Brush.

Scissors, hold that.

Hold that.

Paste.

Hold that.

Turn it over.

- Paper.

No no, a wee piece for up here.

- Oh right.

- You and your damn poster.

- Oh nasty.

Kaka.

- You want to be careful sir.

Can you spare a moment, please sir?

- Can't you see I'm busy?

- Yes, well I want your okay on a main fuse box.

And if she blows, I'm not gonna take responsibility.

- Very well.

Can you spare me a minute?

- L'm coming too, it's my fuse box.

What's going on?

- I think I can guess why you want to see me Mr. Wedgewood.

You may have been feeling lately that

I haven't quite been pulling my weight.

The fact is I've had so many financial worries

I can't think of anything else.

I realise that my work may have suffered a wee bit

And that I have been late five times in the last two weeks.

But, you weren't thinking of firing me were you?

And you'd like me to leave at the end of the month?

At the end of the week?

Thank you.

- Don't worry darling, you can get another job.

You could even start your own travel agency.

- What with, my overdraft?

- Where do you want this, Miss?

- Oh just put it down there.

And be careful with it, it's a valuable antique.

- All right Miss.

- Hello Lang.

- Ah, hello Mrs. Munro.

Is he ready yet?

- Well, no not quite.

- You have told him, haven't you?

- We thought we'd better leave it until the last minute.

- We better do it now, otherwise he'll never move out.

Where is he?

- Do you realise that idiot Wicks persisted in fitting

15 amp fuses, directly contrary to my instructions?

I told him to fit 30 amps.

- Daddy, Dexter has something to say to you.

- Certainly my boy, what is it?

- Yes, I wanted to ask you if...

- Don't worry about me, I'm perfectly comfortable.

Lang, what are you doing here?

- Come to take you home.

They're fed up with you interfering in everything.

- Is this so?

- Course not darling, it's just that Dexter and I

Feel you'll be better off in your own house.

- We've enough trouble as it is.

I mean we should start off married life on our own.

- I see.

So your father isn't wanted.

Lang, be so kind as to fetch my bags.

- I mean it's a perfectly normal

Thing for a young married couple.

- Perfectly normal.

I stay too long by thee, I weary thee.

Thus thou so hunger at my empty chair that thou would needs

Invest with mine honors before thy hour be right?

Oh foolish youths.

- Henry four, part two, act four, scene five, terrible.

- When you're ready, Lang.

- I feel awful turning him out like this.

- Oh now don't you fall for his hearts of lance routine.

What's the matter Daddy?

- Nothing, I'll be all right in a minute.

- Don't worry.

He always does that when he can't get his own way.

It's only wind.

I really am going to fire that man.

- You're feeling better already, aye?

- Goodbye my dear.

I trust I’ve left nothing behind that reminds you of me.

- Do you think he’ll be all right?

- Of course he will, selfish old fool.

I say good riddance.

- That's not a very nice thing to say

after all he's done for us.

- Done for us?

He stuck his nose in every time,

he doubled our building costs,

And given me so much worry I've lost my job.

- That's nice thing to say about my father.

You've made mistakes too.

- Aye, and the biggest was to get him for a father-in-law.

- So it was a mistake to marry me, was it?

- I didn't say that, it's only your father I can't stand.

- Then it's a pity you let him house you,

Feed you, and entertain you, all free.

- Oh he did it to please himself.

He's a miserable, sanctimonious, cantankerous old buzzard.

- Do you really think that?

- Yes I do.

Then this is what I think of you, I hate you!

- Where do you think you're going?

- Back home, where I belong.

- Juliet come back, I didn't mean anything.

She'll wreck the car.

- Fire, fire!

Operator?

My house is on fire, can you take me to the fire station?

- Sure jump on the back.

- Do you have to quite so fast?

- We're only doing a tonne.

You're the one who's in a hurry aren't you?

- Going to a fire?

- Coming away from one, actually.

You see my house is on fire, and this young fella...

- Can't you think of anything better than that?

Let's have a look at your license.

- No I've got to get the fire brigade.

- Oh yeah, your Reticence please.

- I haven't got it on me.

- Don't you understand, my house is on fire!

- All right, you can't interfere with the law.

- Oh, you stupid great nut.

Thanks for the lift.

- Hey, come back.

Oh no you don't.

- I'll write up for resist for a start.

- Anybody here?

- Yes?

- Quick, puck, oh sorry.

Fire.

Fire!

- Now now sir, no need to panic, no need to panic.

Name?

- Oh hurry, Munro.

- Harry Munro.

- No no, it's Dexter.

- Harry Dexter.

- My house is on fire.

- This is not the first fire

The Pillsbury Brigade's been called upon to attend.

Address?

- Rose Cottage.

- Rose Cottage, where sir?

- Pillsbury you damn fool.

Pillsbury you damn.

Care to climb aboard sir?

- Haven't there any other firemen?

- You've chosen a bad day for a fire sir.

All my lads are at the pageant.

♪ It's a hey naughty no and a scrub a scrub scrub ♪

♪ Hey naughty no and a scrub a scrub scrub ♪

♪ Until my lady comes home to me ♪

♪ My lady left me ♪

♪ I don't know why ♪

♪ Was she unhappy ♪

♪ Did I make her cry ♪

- Oh awfully good Harold, I'm sure you'll die a great death.

- Oh, thanks very much Mr. Chipfield.

- Keep a nice straight back, Sir Frances.

Is your posture quite right?

- I’ve never had any complaints before.

- Oh Bruce, you look marvelous.

Now, if at first you don't succeed.

- Give up.

- Ah, incredible atmosphere Charles, incredible.

- This wig's giving me a terrible itch.

- Nellie, don't let them drop out.

Good luck everyone, good luck.

Don't lose your head.

Oh, I like the hairdo.

Now remember chaps, no smoking.

- Look at all those people, what we're gonna do?

- What's going on?

- Take this monster out of here.

- Wicks, drop that and get to the fire house.

There's a fire.

- Is there, all right.

- And Perkins, drop that banjo and get to this fire.

- You can't have them, they're on the May pole.

The show must go on.

- Come over here, Nellie.

- Only take a couple of minutes now, sir.

- What are you gonna do?

Sound the horn.

- Afternoon.

- Out of the way there, can't you see there's a fire?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah been going on for some time now.

Where you be?

Come on me darlings.

- Here Mr. Wicks, it's on fire.

- I know, that's why we come isn't it?

- No the engine.

- Oh, I thought you meant the house.

I was gonna say I know.

- Brake, someone get the brake water.

- Where's the hydrant, where's the hydrant?

- Oh we ain't got one, we’ll have to use the well.

- Right, get the pumps working.

- Don't just stand there, come and help.

- Get them cows out the way.

- We were here first.

- If you could even get some of the smaller valuables out.

No, what are you doing you silly, big ass.

The door's open.

- Afternoon.

- Right.

- What do you think you're doing?

- First things first, she's on fire.

- First things first?

- She'll go up like a rocket if those flames goes up.

- And what about my house?

- Don't worry.

Right Perkins, living room.

Get number two hose working.

- Oh right.

- Don't you worry now sir.

We’ll soon have everything under control.

- What's happened?

- Well's gone dry Fred, I mean sir.

- Where's the nearest hydrant?

- A mile away Fred, I'm afraid.

- That's that then.

Right men, save what we can.

Hurry up there, that table.

- That's a valuable antique.

The leg's stuck Mr. Wicks.

- Leave me that.

- If only you'd summoned the brigade earlier.

- If only you'd summoned the brigade earlier.

- They never learn.

Do we?

- Sorry about this sir.

Can we give you a lift anywhere?

- No, I've got nowhere to go.

- Well if she starts up again, give us a ring.

Oh, it's a fire.

- Oh no.

Oh Dexter.

Dexter!

Dexter it's all my fault, I should never have left you.

- No.

- Hello there sir.

I say Mr. And Mrs. Munro.

I say, have you heard the news?

- What news?

- Do you remember that motorway

I said might go through here?

- What motorway?

- Well it is, right through your front garden.

They're gonna requisition.

- A motorway, that's all we need.

- But you don't understand.

You'll get back all you paid for the place,

plus a handsome profit.

Plus a handsome profit.

- You're kidding?

- No.

- But that means we've got to start all over again.

- Not at all.

Wisteria Cottage on the other side

Of the hill is a real bargain, ready to move into.

You can view it straight away.

- Have you got the keys?

- Of course I have.

- Come on.

- I feel like a fairy godmother.

I shall be delighted

to give you an audition.

- Will you really sir?

- I always believe in helping young talent.

You may find your own way home, Lang.

I shall not be home for dinner.

- I see.

Oh well, that's show business.