Original subtitles

At 6 o 'clock, one hour from now, we will present our daily educational

University at Daybreak.

Today's subject will be the evils of educational television.

That's in one hour from now.

May we remind you to tune in to our 6 o 'clock news tonight.

The day's events will include one gangland killing, one accidental

persons held hostage in a Brooklyn bank, the Board of Health reopening a gay

bar. a venereal disease clinic at an old age home in Queens, and President Ford

walking and chewing gum at the same time.

And now, back to our film.

I dreamt I jumped into a large vat of ice water.

Oh, really?

All alone?

Uh, yeah, actually, all alone.

Funny, huh?

Hysterical.

Who are we going to have today?

Um, a critic, I think.

A critic? That's what I need, an intellectual.

No, no, a film critic.

Have we ever had him before?

I don't think so.

I don't think I can handle him all by myself.

Do you think we could share him?

Must we?

Didn't I help you out with the tennis player?

The things I'd do.

Thanks. I bet he'll want to take pictures.

Do you think they'd mind if I took a picture? No, no, no. Why don't you just

make yourself comfortable?

Good morning. I'm Julian Blake. How are you doing?

Hi, nice to see you. Nice to have you on the show.

Can I get some coffee here, please, Sam?

Hello, Joe. Do we have a copy of the book?

I heard you said he was a critic. He is a film critic, but he wrote a book.

Would you mind saying something into the microphone? We need a letter. I'm

actually about to say a few words of my book.

Just say it. It will be on the air in a few minutes. Just pretend you're in your

own living room. I'll take a pic, then.

Hi, sleepyheads. It's Jillian Blake.

And I'm William Blake. And with us today, we have a very good friend of

the noted film critic and historian, Harold Harold.

You may not... always respect him, but you'll always agree with him. I think I

got that wrong. Let's do traffic.

The LIE is all jammed up. The tri -bar was a mess.

And the East Side Highway is bumper to bumper.

Best way into New York now is the 108th Street footbridge.

And we're back on the air with Harold Harrell. The state of the film industry

deplorable. I see 10 to 15 films a week.

Just the other night, a thing called Crush Stockings.

It was a travesty.

First of all, the sound. I love sound.

No sound.

All sort of photography, completely out of focus. Now the script.

I mean, I don't know who's writing these scripts. I just can't understand

nothing. I mean, every time I started to get into it, I just couldn't understand

a thing.

But Harold, if the film was so terrible, then why did you give it such a good

review?

Well, actually, I think it's with the director. I think he's a great, great

director. And I have to admire him for being such a great director. I just...

He's a great director. That's what I can tell you. Everything he's done, I've

loved. The FDR is loosening up. The best way to New York now is the Staten

Island Ferry.

It's 15 seconds before 10 o 'clock.

What? Already?

How time flies. And thanks to our guests for getting up so early to be with us.

Until tonight at 5, this is Billy's Chili. And Billy's Billy.

Have a nice day.

I mean, do you... Is that clear?

How many times a day are you on? Twice a day. We get the folks to work and we

bring them home. And we even appeal to those who roam. You're wonderful.

But when can I hear my interviews?

Well, I'm not really sure. You see, they delay the interviews.

Someone at the station decides when the exact moment is right for that

particular subject to go on the air. It's an astrologer, I believe. Oh,

my hobby. I'm a bull.

You didn't have to tell us.

Um, if you won't be needing me anymore, I'll be getting back to town. I have

some problems for Tuesday's programming.

What problems?

Uh, I'll call you later.

I told Taylor, look, let's try and see him first thing this morning.

Aren't you going to see him at the party tonight?

Well, there may be a new agency man there. You know, it's... Oh.

I'll try and call you later from the studio, okay? Maybe we can have lunch if

you're in town. Well, where can I reach you if I have to get in touch with you?

Well, we may be taping some spots. I don't know what studio it is yet.

I'll call you as soon as I get to graduate.

Can I fix anything?

Yeah, I'd love a maraschino cherry, too. You got it. And a two -cent plate.

Hi,

love bunny.

Hi, love bunny.

What's big love bunny going to do to little love bunny?

Well, big love bunny is going to come and sit down here. right next to Little

Love Bunny. And put his hand up Little Love Bunny's skirt? And put his hand

right up Little Love Bunny's skirt.

Big Love Bunny's got Little Love Bunny's point.

Big Love Bunny's point.

Little Love Bunny's snippy.

Bunny got his finger on Little Love Bunny's pussy.

Big Love Bunny's playing with Little Love

Bunny's clitty.

Love Bunny is putting his other finger back in Little Love Bunny.

should i go on

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?

That's only one bird's opinion.

We'll have to... take a more conclusive survey. I haven't let myself go.

Too much.

Put big love bunny's finger up little love bunny's ass.

Put big love bunny's great big cock up little love bunny's

teensy weensy ear.

I've got it. You've got it. You'll cheat. I'll cheat.

A little messing around.

You've got a lot of reasons.

I have lots of reasons.

Name some.

Number one, it'll give me reassurance.

Number two, it'll give them reassurance. Number three, it'll feel good.

No stupid?

Well, if I can find a few acquaintances and appeal to the inner man in each of

them, well, then perhaps I can find the inner man in my own husband.

Right on, sister.

Music.

admit that I did anything wrong.

Even if I did,

there's such a thing, Jilly, as the three -year, five -month itch.

I think you know me well enough.

You know I'm not a sexist.

It's just, it's a question that, well, you see, sometimes men and

women have different needs.

I'm living in a soap opera.

If it isn't a question of knees, well, then sometimes men and women are just a

little out of sync.

Our marriage is going through its dubbed period.

I mean, I would understand it perfectly well if you decided to suddenly get very

hung up on, say, doing social work.

Or if you just wanted to spend a few hours by yourself once in a while.

I think they put something in your maraschino, cherry juice and two cents

You know, Julie, the solitary aspect of modern man is considered by many to be

the most neglected.

I know they put something in your maraschino cherry juice.

I mean, who could possibly argue with the fact that it is the female of the

species who is by far the more understanding and as

a result of that proclivity of nature...

the more forgiving. I wouldn't forgive you if George Brent asked me to.

Maybe that's the trouble.

She has nothing on.

You know who she's going with? Oh, my goodness.

Well, that's why she's showing so much of it, I suppose.

Hey!

About 50 pounds.

Of course, you know why.

They're not doing it anymore.

Everything okay?

Yes, ma 'am.

Do you see her walking down there?

Hi,

Ernie. Gee, I think this is the best costume party I've been to this year.

Is this a costume party?

We don't get to see very often.

most people. You don't practice the good neighbor policy?

Depends on how good I think the neighbor is. Do I have another drink, please?

Yes. Looks like we arrived just in time, Marvin. You having fun?

A little too many people for my taste.

I don't feel too comfortable.

Why don't they put the air conditioner on? You better get another case of

champagne. Well, I really don't know where it is. Come with me and I'll show

you.

You need company?

The music is so loud.

Are you man enough to lift up?

Come here, let's dance.

It's check -up time.

I'm going to blow.

Your mind.

what I'm doing. Oh, no, no. I wouldn't say anything.

Because if I know my husband more, it'll be all over the neighborhood in 24

hours.

Not bad.

You use up a lot of champagne at your parties.

But, you know, I heard he lost his job.

Well, at least they demoted him or something. I can't remember exactly what

told me.

But we were under the hairdresser dryer.

And, you know, I think that was it. He's getting half his salary now. That's why

they can't do anything.

I've got it.

You've got it. You'll cheat.

I'll cheat.

You'll be messing around.

I think you're running a little low on the champagne.

I know where it is.

Oh, wait. Do you know where the Chateau Great Western is?

What? I'll show you.

Wait a minute.

Are you man enough to lick that?

Sure.

No, no. Come here, dummy.

It's checkup time.

Well, what are you dressed as?

Cover of After Dark.

Here we go.

Don't get too excited.

Not good to get too excited.

It's really growing.

Getting...

Big and hard.

Come on.

Isn't this great, baby?

You're really going to get off.

It's so big and firm.

It's getting really big now.

It's growing. It's really growing.

We're getting close.

Bring it up.

We're really going to get off now.

Come on.

We're really going to get off.

Come on, let's go.

Come on.

We'll come.

You already got off once today, didn't you? I haven't gotten off in two weeks.

I wish they wouldn't do something about those plants. You know, I love plants.

I can't stand them. to see them all dried up like that.

I think it's pretty, really.

I mean, after all, they can't go walking away and get some water. It's not like

a dog or anything, you know? Hi, team.

Hi. Hello, Mrs. Blake.

We have to change tomorrow's interview. Billy,

your slip is showing.

An old -fashioned.

I like a girl who likes old -fashions.

Oh, I'll bet you modern in some way.

You'd be surprised.

I really am rather old -fashioned in many ways.

Uh, no hanky -panky? No Inzyowski?

No. You, Mrs. Blake, I would never fool around with a married woman.

You really mean that?

Absolutely.

However, should you decide to leave your husband, perhaps we could capture a

rare moment.

acquaintances and appeal to the inner man in each of them.

Well, then perhaps I can find the inner man in my own husband. Right on, sister.

Have you ever thought about diseases?

I mean, have you ever thought about how many diseases can attack your lawn?

Mutt, brown patch, powdery mildew. If you cut the grass too short, it dies

If you forget to water it, it dries out.

If you get a hot summer, it fries out.

All that hard labor for nothing.

I think I've had it so hard in here. Come on, let's go.

Oh, Jane, you know, it's so nice seeing you again. Oh, yeah. You're lovely.

You lost about 20 pounds.

It's great. You really used it. I love it.

Come on, let's go, dear. We've had enough, those canopies. You know, there

was. I didn't eat all day just waiting for those canopies. They're just simply

old.

How did you get your pants all dirty?

I only have to give my name, rank, and serial number.

Welcome to World War III.

We've been talking with the author of the American Lesbian's Quick Weight Loss

Diet Cookbook.

Have a good day.

Drive carefully.

Thank you very much. That was very nice. Thank you.

How many times a day do you both do this? Twice a day. Yeah, we take people

work and we bring them home. We even appeal to those who roam.

Thank you. You were wonderful.

Blake? Yeah.

the schedule.

Oh, very good. Uh,

if you don't need me anymore, I'll be gone.

All right, I'll see you in the morning.

I thought that went pretty well.

It's all right.

Uh, well, I have to get into town. I have a, uh, a client's meeting this

afternoon, so, uh, I'll see you later.

Ernie Miklos, please.

Jillian Blake.

Ernie, Jilly, I've been a very naughty little girl.

A naughty little girl?

A very naughty little girl, and I need to be punished.

Punished? Yes.

Oh, no, no, not that one.

It is this one. It's so big and black.

Okay. Punish me.

Beat me.

Whip me.

Punish me. I've been very bad. Very bad.

Take me.

Punish me. Oh, yes.

I don't want to cheat.

He likes it.

Now.

and it's Jilly.

Oh, hi, Jilly.

I'd like to see you.

Okay, but someplace very private. I'm not gonna eat you.

I know people think I'm an ineffectual creep, but I really don't like to be

conspicuous. I'll work it out.

Thanks, Jilly.

Billy.

Yes, darling.

What do you think of Marvin Goodman?

I think he's an ineffectual creep.

Billy. Good night, Billy.

In keeping with our policy of keeping you abreast of current trends in today's

permissive society, we have with us a very special kind of actress who deals

a very special kind of film, one that, in fact, we are watching right here this

morning. And I must say that it is of a very explicit nature.

I would have to add it is certainly well acted, done with enthusiasm,

creativity, and it... does deal in a very explicit fashion. However, it does

certainly have what I would consider redeeming socialist values.

Social. Social values.

I can only say that it is very explicit.

Julie, would you say that?

I would say that it's very explicit. And now we pause for

just 30 seconds.

I'd like to thank our guest for getting us up so early to be with us this

morning. Have a good day.

Quite a show.

How many times a day are you on? Twice a day.

Yes, you see, we get people to work and then we bring them home.

We even appeal to those who roll.

Listen, I have to get back into town because I'm doing some promos with

today. So I'll see you later.

I don't know why they don't have smaller parties.

Marvin, it's Jilly.

Listen, can I meet you someplace?

I promise you it'll be very inconspicuous.

Of course they can see you. Are you nuts?

Look,

you can see everything up here. That's what I'm afraid of.

I don't want to look.

No, isn't it lovely down there?

Isn't it?

Marvin, this is silly now. But if somebody sees me, my office is...

one's out here looking. They should all be working. You know that. I have a

business associate right here.

Would you like to get off?

aware of your position.

Fuck yourself.

That's right.

This is Marvin here.

Fuck you all.

How do you do?

Go fuck yourself.

You too, you.

fucking briefcases.

What's happening in Chicago?

Are you sure there is such a thing as naturally refined sugar?

Well, you find out then.

Okay. Okay, let me know.

Little love, honey.

How many times a day do you do this? Twice a day. We get the folks to work

we bring them home.

We even appeal to those who roam.

I'll be going now, Mrs. Blake, if you don't need me. I'll lead you.

Yes? It's Marvin.

Terrific news. I can hardly wait to hear it. You've made a new man out of me.

Congratulations. When do I see you again?

You don't.

I don't. No, in spite of the impression I may have given you, I'm not an

adulteress. I just borrowed a very nice apartment from a friend of mine with a

terrace and lots of traffic. Thanks anyway, Marvin. I'm flattered. Take

Listen, I'll be home early tonight.

Anything I can pick up for you at the store?

Perhaps we could capture a rare moment of lost elegance.

Taylor?

Jillian Blake.

Listen, I'm in terrible trouble. You've got to help me.

I'm so glad you came. Where can we talk?

Down there.

Oh, I'm so upset. I'm leaving, Billy. I've had just about all I can take. I

really need somebody to talk to. Will you please calm down? I mean, I'm

short. I'm so upset. What is wrong?

There's such a thing as a three -year, five -month itch. Now calm down.

Taylor, thank you for meeting me.

Well, what are friends for?

You're really very nice.

Now, what's all this about you going to leave Billy?

Going to leave Billy. I've left Billy. It's over. It's done.

I'm free. I couldn't be happier.

What did Billy do to make you so happy?

He's having an affair with another woman.

What? Oh, when?

Does he sleep out?

Oh, Christ, no. He'd never do that.

Oh, well, that's a completely different story.

A woman should never be jealous over what happens to her husband before seven

'clock at night.

How's that?

I think you're making a mistake.

You do?

Certainly do. Go back to him.

Fight him on his own ground, cheek to jowl.

Fuzzy to fuzzy, you mean.

Go back to him. Go back.

If only we could all go back. Back to a simpler time, a less complicated time.

Taylor, could I... When life was so much easier. Couldn't I stay single just a

little while longer?

May I invite you to a lovely luncheon?

I know a wonderful place.

Taylor, you make me feel so je ne sais quoi.

When I'm with you, I feel like something out of a silent movie.

What?

Hello?

You may cancel the branding.

If you stick your tits out, you know you'll look better. Get over there. Get

over there.

Come on, tits out, honey. Come on. Come on, Jilly. I know you hate it, but how

often do you do publicity shots?

Oh, wait, wait. Hold on, wait. A little more makeup.

Come on. Come on, Attagirl. Put your lips together. Tits out!

Oh, thank you.

Excuse me.

Hello? Hi, love bunny.

How are you?

Hi. I have to go take a script out to Jilly.

Okay, why don't I meet you about, uh, uh, 3 .30? Okay.

You gonna play with Little Love Bunny's fuzzy?

Oh, uh, okay, uh, uh, that's fine, yeah.

I'll, uh, we'll have dessert together.

Okay, bye -bye.

Always something.

It's been terrific, and please tell Billy I'm so sorry I missed you. I'll

him. Yes, you are. Thank you very much. It's always a pleasure. Thank you, too.

Bye -bye.

Hi, Mrs. Blake.

I saw you in the pool and, well, I thought, do I look as good as Billy did?

Better.

Much better.

I brought the revisions for tomorrow.

Thanks. I wanted to ask you something.

I've been offered this job in television and I'd like your opinion.

I don't know what to do.

I could go for you.

Come here.

You like Billy, don't you?

He's very nice.

I mean, you like to be with him.

Well, yes, I do.

Must you dance every dance with the same fabulous man?

If you're going to leave, I'd better kiss you goodbye. What?

I never kissed my boss's wife before.

Mmm, I'm feeling your point.

I don't understand, Billy.

I mean, I never would have left you for me.

I wouldn't have either.

I've never been in love before. I realize that now.

In love?

Totally and completely.

I can't wait to tell Billy.

Billy, now, just a second. Don't worry.

This will always be the one true love of my life, but it will always remain

incognito. Now I'll have to take that job.

Dear Big Love Bunny, I love you.

I have, I do, and I always will.

But something happened to me today that, well, I hope it happens to you, except

it already has.

I mean, it's hard to explain, but I've met my one perfect love, and I'm leaving

you. I'm leaving everything.

I'm getting out of your life.

out of New York City, and out of the apartment I'm subletting.

For the first time, I've experienced complete emotional and physical

fulfillment.

I've known the act of unselfish love.

I am complete.

I think it's time to move to Southern California.

Always think of me as one who loved, not wisely, but unwell.

Hi.

Have a good day?

Tired tonight.

Why don't they throw the garble first?

I know why you said

all the things that you tried so hard to make me believe. You should have told

me the truth.

Isn't enough.

Is it?

Who are we going to have tomorrow?

An explorer.

Oh, really?

What'd you do?

I think he's the only man with just the stars to guide him to ever

successfully reach the top of Anita Egbert.

Phyllis is leaving the show.

No one's irreplaceable.

No.

No.

You still get the folks to work.

And we'll get them home.

We even appeal.

Those. But it doesn't.

It will.

I feel lousy.

Poor baby.

I'll help you, Mother.

Don't start, Julie.

I don't think I'll ever be able to get it on again.

I'll make you well again.

Not even with me?

You want to get off?

Stand up.

Show it to me.

Show it to me.