All language subtitles for Van.Wilder.2.The.Rise.of.Taj.2006.WEBRip.x264-ION10

TAJ: The legendary Van Wilder
was my mentor.

He enabled me to become
the king of cool at
Coolidge College.

Thanks to his many
insightful life lessons,
like, "Two's company,

"and three is only good
if there's no class
the next day."

I'm now going to England

to take the path
of another great man,
my father,

and continue
my academic studies
at Camford University.

After pursuing
my degree in history,

I'll go ahead
and get a minor
in major muff-munching.

You're not listening
to anything I'm saying,
are you?

Not a word, Mr. Minor-
in-Major-Muff-Munching.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT:
Chicken or fish?

Yes, I'll have the chicken,
please.

Enjoy your meal.

Thank you very much.
You're welcome.

All right.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT:
Chicken or fish?

MAN: Chicken.

Excuse me.
Yes?

Is that Madame Mandira's
Homemade Bombay Hot Sauce?

No way, you know it?

Habanero and
cayenne peppers

mixed with lime juice,
vinegar, onions and salt.

From the great
Calcutta Salt Lake?

Mmm-hmm.

Would you like some?

Oh, oh!

Sorry. I'm so clumsy.

(MOANING)

Oh...

Sorry. I have
this thing for spices.

(STAMMERING)
You have "a thing"?

Mmm-hmm.

Well...

You want some of this,
don't you,

you dirty little whore?

(MOANING)

Come and get it.

(GROANING)

Don't stop.

(UNZIPPING)

Don't stop.

I said, "Don't stop."

Okay, okay.
Okay. Okay.

Oh, yeah? Yeah?

You like hot sauce
on your kebabs, cookie?

Huh?

Oh, that's hot.
Oh, that's hot.

Oh, that... Oh, that's...
That's actually...

(SCREAMS)

(BOYS WILL BE BOYS PLAYING)

♪ I've had nights
I will never forget

♪ I've had nights
I will always regret

♪ I can take it on the chin
and say

♪ Boys will be boys

♪ There's been girls
that have stolen our hearts

♪ But the others said
they couldn't be prised apart

♪ Whoever let's us in,
they say

♪ Boys will be boys

Smell that, Balzac?

That is the aroma
of higher education.

The aroma of young minds
absorbing knowledge.
The aromas...

(GIRLS CHATTERING)

Ah, yes.

The aroma of that, too.

Let us make haste, my friend,

to the fraternal house
where my family name
became legend.

Come on.

♪ I thought you'd
never write this down now

♪ Boys will be boys

♪ Well, it's under my skin
so I can never win

♪ So thanks a lot

♪ We cheat and we lie
and we fight

♪ We don't cry while we try

"May driving on
the wrong side of the road,

"lead you down the right path.

"Write that down. Van."

♪ But if I saw her
I could hardly restrain

♪ Every worked girl
to labor with me

♪ Chin up, chin up, now

♪ Boys will be boys

♪ Boys will be boys

♪ Boys will be boys
till the end ♪

Well, well, well.
What do we have here?

Percy?
2:30...

Taj Mahal

(STUTTERING)

Badalandabad.

Wow.

It's even more magnificent
than I imagined it.

BOTH: Welcome to the house
of Fox and Hounds.

Good afternoon.

Pip Everett, Earl of Grey.
How do you do?

I do very well, thank you.

Splendid.
How may we help you?

My name is Taj Mahal
Badalandabad,

your newest
and proudest member.

Fantastic. Fantastic.

Come and meet the guys.

Sure.

This is incredible.

The oldest and finest
fraternal guild
in all of England.

You know, I've been
dreaming of this day
since I was a boy.

Champagne?
Oh, thank you.

Since my father, Dilip,
who was known by
his fellow Hounds

as the Womb Broom
Badalandabad,

(MEN LAUGHING)

would tell me stories
about his time here
during the swinging '60s.

(GIRLS SCREAMING)

Quiet. Quiet, quiet, please.

Now, it has been enjoyable

shagging all of you
groovy chicks.

But the further spreading
of my baby gravy

will have to wait.

(GIRLS SCREAM)

Good show. Good show.

And we're equally
excited to have you
as one of our members.

Welcome.

Ladies, perhaps
you could show
Sir Womb Broom the Second

to his new room.

BOTH: Our pleasure.

Thank you, ladies.

You know,
something about you
reminds me of you.

(LAUGHING) Why?

PIP: Mr. Badalandabad?

Yes?

Might I see
your acceptance letter?

Sure.

Thank you.

Usually put them
in the scrapbook
or something?

Uh, no. Not usually.

Oh, dear.
What's wrong?

This is very awkward.

There seems to have
been a terrible mistake.

Typographical, you see.

This letter's supposed
to say that you've
not been accepted.

What?
I'm very sorry.

(CLEARS THROAT)

But...But please do pop in
any time and say hello.

B-But my father went here.
I'm a legacy.

Where else would you
expect me to go?

Well, I do see
your quandary, old boy.

I do know of
one opportunity,

but it's only eligible
for dongs.

Perhaps they'll
consider a Taj.

Dongs are what
you Americans
so eloquently call

teaching assistants.

Yes. Well... Well, I am
a... A teaching assistant.

Yes. Here it is.

What is it?

You'd be a head
of house of sorts,

for a very elite
group of students

in a dwelling
called the Barn.

The Barn?
An architectural wonder.

The Barn?
One of the oldest
buildings on campus.

Is it red?
No.

Then it's not a barn.
Yes, but it's steeped
in history.

Good luck, then.

Oh.

You, too.

Come on, Balzac. Andale.

Christ, he's got monkey nuts.

(SNICKERING)

Did you see his face?
The Barn?

I do believe that was
the best one yet.

You were wonderful.
That was a classic, Pip.

Brilliant.

Don't you boys
ever get tired

of playing that same
crass, demeaning joke?

ALL: No.

(ALL LAUGH)

Another jolly good show.

I must say, it is
so much fun being me.

Is that...

(SQUISHING)

Could someone please get me
some Tidy Wipes?

♪ Fix me up,
make me new again

♪ Set it straight,
show me all I could've been

♪ Come on, get up, get on

♪ All the way
from the human race

♪ Got the feeling like
I'm falling out of place

♪ Well, come on,
get up, get on

♪ Ooh, you ever think about it

♪ Think about it

♪ Everything is on, yeah

♪ Come on, get up, get on

♪ I'm saying

♪ You've gotta give it
all you've got

♪ So come on ♪

Well, Balzac,
as Mr. Van Wilder would say,

it's not
the building that matters,
it's the people inside.

Come on.

(POUNDING)

Excuse me.

I'm looking for
the Barn residence hall.

The Barn.

Piss off.

Pin-headed
squirrelly-looking bastard.

Sorry for the intrusion,
you hairy-arsed dipso
Paddy headbanger.

(CHUCKLING) Hey, you're
speaking the local lingo
right and proper.

Hi.

Hi, you look funny.

I'm Gethin.
Hi, Gethin, I'm Taj,

your new resident advisor.

Oh!

Oh, I'm so sorry, sir.
The house is such a mess.

I feel so ashamed.
Oh, oh, oh.

Please stop.
Don't call me sir
and don't be formal.

This is a very
informal setting

and, Gethin,
stand up straight.

A man always looks
more confident
when he's erect.

Now, what's all this?

Oh, uh...

I'm a dual major.

Maths/quantum physics.
Ah.

Following the tradition
of the great
Stephen Hawking, huh?

Uh, not exactly.

Numbers geeks don't have
the hottest social life,

so I did a sexual statistics
compatibility survey

with all the colleges
in England.

Camford came up
with the highest

nerd-per-willing-chick
probability ratio.

The pursuit of the pink taco.

Gethin, I think you and
I are kindred spirits

in the search for
the vertical smile.

The... The... The what, sir?

The vertical smile.

You know,
the scrambled eggs
between the legs...

I don't know what that is.

The sunny-side-up
on the way to the butt.

Say again?

(SHOOTING)
Hello. What's your name?

Hello?
Simon doesn't like to talk.

Simon?

It's a pleasure
to meet you regardless,

and I look forward
to hearing from you

when you have something
that you would like to say.

How about you, Balzac?

Hey, buddy. Huh?
Did you meet everybody?

Hey, what's up
with the mutt?

Looks like it's dragging
a pair of soccer balls.

He's a purebred
English bulldog.

(SCOFFS)

It's English, is it?

That's why it's such
an ugly little bastard.

He can hear you.
I don't care.

Why do you have
all that pent-up
aggression?

I'm Irish and the English
have been giving us the shaft

for over 500 years
and counting.

Well, time out for a second.
I'm Indian.

And England invaded
India in the 1700s,

and didn't leave
until less than
60 years ago.

Until then, we were just
another one of its colonies,

not unlike
your Northern Ireland.

Really?
Yeah.

That makes us brothers.

(BOTH GRUNT)

(THUDDING)

I'm dead.

So I assume those are real.

You all right?

I'm sorry I lobbed
you in the face, mate.

Fancy a sneaky
quick one?

No. No, no, I think
you've given me

enough sneaky quick ones
for the day.

Thank you, Seamus.

Uh, Sadie,
this is Taj Badalandabad,
our new head of house.

All right, me old mucker.

Have a shake, then,
I ain't got the clap
or nothing.

What?
Uh, she means handshake.

Right. Of course.
Of course, hi.

Sadie is a cockney.

Takes time to understand her.
Words fit in her mouth funny.

Oh. Lucky words.

You enjoying your time
at Camford, Sadie?

Yeah, it's all right.

Blokes are a bit
stuffy here, though.

I mean, I never thought
it would be so hard

to find someone worth
slurping the old panhandle.

You know, giving a blow job.

Nothing like
getting your tongue
around a nice fat one.

Sliding it in and out.

In and out. In and out.
In and out.

Milking it like a cow
until it explodes into
the back of your mouth.

I must have an amazing
ear for dialects.

I understood everything
that she said perfectly.

So, um, how long
will you be staying with us

before you move
to a better house, then,
Mr. Badalandabad?

I don't follow.

Oh, it's all right, sir.

We all know we're losers.

SADIE: Well, round here
in this campus

we're like crusty
brown sheep dung
off an old work boot.

That's painting
too pretty a picture,
if you ask me.

Hey, time out, guys.

You know, a few years ago,
I was exactly where
you guys were.

Almost.

Not really at all, actually.

But...But look, the point is
that there's potential, okay?

There's potential here.
That's what I see.

You know, sometimes
it just takes a while

to cultivate one's own
personal greatness.

It's okay, sir.

People always
say nice things.

And then they leave.

Balzac, I don't think
I will succeed

as the sultan of snatch
in this place.

All I wanted to do
was spread a little
Badalandabad butter

on an English muffin.

Well, Van, what would you do?

(WOMAN MOANING)

TAJ: Oh, yeah.
That's nice.

(WOMAN GRUNTING)

WOMAN: Yeah.

You like that long one,
don't you,
Miss Nude America?

Yeah, you do.

Miss Nevada likes it hard.

TAJ: Yeah, scream a bit
louder for more points.

Crazy room. Will you take
a look at this place?

Hey, good morning, guys.

Bloody hell.
This must have
cost a fortune.

It's an investment.

The coolest,
most confident kids
on campus are living here.

Who's moving in?

The new you, Gethin.

The new all of you.

And to celebrate,
I got us an invitation

to the campus-wide
inaugural ball tonight.

Black tie only.
When should we leave? Oi!

Where are you going?

It's being tossed by
that royal chutney ferret

and his chorus of nancy boys.

Yeah, translation?

Uh, Pip Everett is
the Earl of Grey,

14 spots removed
from the Queen herself.

He also happens to be
head of the Fox and Hounds,

who are sponsoring the ball.

Yes, I've met Pip
and I really wouldn't
be concerned.

No, sir.
You don't understand.

Each one of us were invited
into the Fox and Hounds,

only to be told
when we arrived

that there had
been some sort of

"typographical error"
in our acceptance letters.

Bloody right.

Supposedly the bastards
do it every year.

Just for their jollies.

This happened to all of you?

Well, you guys must be livid.

No. It's pretty much
the story of our lives.

The story of...

I don't believe
what I'm hearing.

Those... Those Fox
and Hounds douche bags.

Those... Those pubic-hair
tooth flossers

have no right to
tell us what to do.

We're going to show them...
No.

We're going show ourselves

that we can go
wherever we want,

whenever we want.

Now,
we're going to this party
and we're going to look hot.

♪ This time I won't be alone

♪ I've got to take the chance
so that I won't be alone

♪ Before you see it's in ♪

So they're rich,
powerful and beautiful.

Take away their good looks,
their money and their
superior attitudes,

and what do you have?

Us?

My point, Gethin,
is that they're
no better than us.

Have some courage, guys.

There's an old saying.

"Jumping off a cliff
only hurts if you
forget how to fly."

Excuse me, sir. I think
the actual saying is that...

Well, it doesn't matter
what the actual saying is,
Gethin.

It's the intent.

Stand up straight.

Now, where is Simon?

Oh, he said he'd be here
when he was done fussing
with his bow tie.

All right.
Well, go, guys.
Have fun.

Go, my little sparrows.

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Would you like to dance?
Would you like to dance?

Would you like to dance?
Do you like to dance?

Whoa!

I'd love to dance with you.

So lean, so strong.

So virile.

(LADY MULGROVE GASPING)
Uh...

Do you know
I'm not wearing any...

Lady Mulgrove,
I believe Lord Mulgrove

was looking for you
over there.

Oh.

Pity.

(LADY MULGROVE CHUCKLES)

Lady Mulgrove loves
her sherry, I'm afraid.

Well, you know,
I've never been
checked for a hernia

(LAUGHING)
on the dance floor before.

I have to say,
the old lady's tremor was
actually mildly erotic.

Would, uh,
you like to dance?

Uh...

Well, actually I have a...

A younger sister you could
hook me up with instead?

Why did I say that?

I'm gonna go slit my wrists
in the corner painfully now.

Thank you. Bye.
Wait. Wait.

Yes.

Why not?

Great.

So, I've not seen you
on campus before.

Yes, I'm nude.

New, I'm a new
graduate student.

And how are you
finding it?
Great, actually.

It's... It's fantastic.
Everyone's really nice,

except for this
royal jackass named Pip.

Pip?
Yes. Pip Everett,

the Earl of Grey,
is a world-class jerk.

You didn't get on
with him?

(LAUGHING) No.

You would detest him
as well.

I would imagine
that only another
bubble-headed snob

could stand to be
in his company

for longer than it takes
to suck on a Tic Tac.

PIP:
Charlie, there you are.

Oh, I see you've met Haj.

Charlie?

Or you can just call me
the bubble-headed snob.

(GASPS)

So, how are things
working out at the Barn?

Very well, actually.

The residents are
very special people.

Special, indeed.

Take it back!
Say you like Irish whiskey.

Excuse me.

(GRUNTING)

Oh, go on.

A little heavy snoggin'
with your husband's
all you've been wanting.

I beg your pardon?

You know what
we ladies need,
sweetie?

A good poke
in the low whiskers.

Ah, yes, the lower whiskers,

right next to
the Scottish Highlands,
a favorite vacation spot.

Excuse us.

No, Taj. I was talking
about her vagina.

Yes.

(GLASS CLINKING)

I would like to
welcome everyone
to the official opening

of the competition
for the Hastings Cup.

Why do they
call it a competition
when we always win?

The Hastings Cup
represents all that is
best in a university.

Camford's most gifted have
competed for 600 years.

And now it gives me
great pleasure

to introduce the winners
of last year's competition,

the Foxes and the Hounds.

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

Thank you, sir.

On behalf of
my fellow members,

I'd like to wish
the other houses
the best of luck

on this year's competition.

May the best lads win.

(PEOPLE CHUCKLING)

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

Don't let that
little Indian fellow
put you down, Charlie.

He's hardly
worth putting a frown
on your beautiful face.

(CHARLIE CHUCKLES)

Why was he upset with you?

I think he was rejected
from the Fox and Hounds
the other day.

Poor bloke was devastated.

You know,
perhaps I'll have a word.

Cheer him up.

You're sweet.

It's all part of being
an earl, my dear.

Constructive criticism.

Seamus, we need to work
on your anger management
skills.

Sadie, close your legs.

We just need to figure out
exactly how much
you can drink.

And, Gethin...

Oh, Gethin,
sit up straight...

PIP: Excuse me, Raji.

My name is Taj.
I don't care.

I just wanted to share
a little tidbit with you.
Hmm.

When my
great-great-grandfather,
Rupert Everett the Third,

became the first governor
of the Indian colony,

he also took on
a band of pet monkeys.

But he used to
keep his outside.

There's the door.

Please make sure
it hits all of you
on the way out.

Oh, Poop?
It's Pip.

I know. A friend of mine
used to say

that if you can't join them,
beat them.

You might want
to write that down.

Hi, ladies and gentlemen.

Uh, I am Taj Mahal
Badalandabad

What the hell is he doing?
And I have an important...

Holy crap.
He's gone bleeding mad.
Announcement.

And in the spirit
of the inaugural ball,

I would like to announce
the formation of a new
fraternal house,

commencing now.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please get your first look
at the smart, the sexy,

the very literal-minded,
wearing black tie only,

Cock and Bulls.

(PEOPLE GASPING)

(LAUGHING)

GETHIN: We'll never be able
to show our faces again.

We're the laughingstock
of the whole bloody school.

To hell with
the lot of them.

What is with
the lack of self-image?

You know,
we have the potential

to be the best house
on this campus.

And I would go
so far as to say

that we could even win
the Hastings Cup this year.

How the hell
could we win the cup?

Seamus, winning the cup is
based on accumulating points

in academics, athletics
and social services.

Now, Gethin here excels...
SEAMUS: Hold on,
hold on, hold on.

I'm a banged-up
rugby player,

she's a sausage jockey
for the price of a pint

Oi! And dinner.

And he's got
the bleeding personality
of a toaster oven.

So, you've decided
to accept defeat

before you've
even tried, huh?

What if Columbus
had done that

just because of
a bout with seasickness?

Or if Babe Ruth had
decided to walk off
after his first rookie season

just because
of a little syphilis?

Or what if Ravi Shankar
had decided to give up
the sitar

just because he knew
he'd be able to get

a lot more chooch
playing the guitar?

You guys, society has
always stifled those
with great minds.

I believe in you.

TAJ: And you should too.

Now,

to the Cock and Bulls.

I said,
to the Cock and Bulls.

ALL: To the Cock and Bulls.

TAJ: To the Cock and Bulls.

ALL: To the Cock and Bulls.

To the Cock and Bulls.

ALL: To the Cock and Bulls!

Why do you insist
on manipulating
the table like that

with the fist, coming down?

Morning.

Morning.

You know,

I was rather wonderful
last night, wasn't I?

I was here, too, you know.

No, not the sex, silly.

I was talking about
our dinner with
Lord Wrightwood.

How do you think it went?

Well, you fawned over
his every word.

I half expected you to
get up from the table
and kiss his arse.

I thought it went well, too.

And after graduation,
I'm sure he'll be
happy to oblige me

with a recommendation
for a diplomatic position.

Pip, class isn't
for an hour.

Come back to bed for a bit.

But I haven't done
my exercises yet.

And I have to exfoliate.

I can put a glow
on your cheeks.

Charlie, hello.
We did it last night.

Wednesday. Our night.

I don't understand
why we have to have a night.

Why can't we just do it
whenever we feel like it?

Because we're British
and we control ourselves.

Charlie, I have
a busy schedule.

And I'd rather
not tell people
I have no energy

because I was off
fornicating all night.

Now, which shirt
do you like better?

Mauve or turbot?

I like the mauve.

But it is difficult
with my jaw line.

TAJ: "We have this day
given order

"to our Chancellor
of the United Kingdom

"and our Chancellor
of Ireland,

"that they do respectively
upon notice here

"of forewith issues of writ
effective immediately

"that pigs and chickens
will no longer be tolerated

"in the House of Commons."

Would anyone like to comment
on the House of the Lords
journal

volume 64, August 1832?

Yeah. Me, neither.

God, this is boring.

Everybody rip out page 32.

Sir?
You heard me.

Everybody rip out page 32.

You've seen
Dead Poets Society.

Rip out page 32.

Come on,
if you don't rip out page 32,

I'll fail all of you.

Yes!

(GRUNTING)

God, these things are so old,
they're petrified.

You know what, just throw
the whole damn thing
out the window.

(GASPS)

I think he's plumb sauced,
he is.

Sir, I don't think
throwing books out
is such a good idea.

Yes, there you go, Seamus.

See, everybody do that,

and send these books
back to the 1800s
where they belong.

(SIGHS)

Come on, Gethin.

No, I can't.

Haven't you ever
heard of the expression

"In with the old,
out with the new"?

Yes, sir. But I think
the actual expression is...

Oh, it doesn't matter
what the actual
expression is, Gethin.

Why are you thinking
when you should be throwing?

Ejaculate your book.

Yeah, go on, Gethie.
Get over it.

Give it a throw, limey.

Come on, Gethin.

Expunge
20 years of oppression
out the window.

(EXCLAIMS)

(GLASS SHATTERS)

Mr. Badalandabad,
might I see you
out in the hall?

Certainly.

Uh, excuse me, class.

Why don't you all
read chapter two
while I'm gone?

But we haven't
got any books.

Have you gone completely
and utterly mad?

I don't know
how you did things
at Coolidge College.

Ah, you've been
checking on me.

Yes. And, frankly,
I'm concerned.

And as your supervisor,
it's my job to make sure
that there's...

Wait, wait, wait.
You're my supervisor?

Well, I...
Let me just say then

that I am so enthused
to be under you.

Uh, I... Uh, what I mean
is that I'm extremely hard.

(GASPS)

Ha-Hard-pressed, uh, to...

Mr. Badalandabad,
it really doesn't
even matter

what you think of me
or of the textbooks.

Because if you wish
to receive your doctorate
from this university,

you'll have to follow
the rules set forth by...

By... By... By men who what?

Who... Who... Who wore
funny boxer shorts
and garter belts

and died decades ago?

Who never saw a man
walk on the moon

or listened to Lil' Kim
on an MP3 player

or watched muff-to-muff
triple-penetration
cooch-munching

on the internet?
What does that have
to do with anything?

Okay. Maybe, that was
a bit much. I'm sorry.

But my point,
Miss Higginson,

is that there is
more than one way
to skin a mongoose.

History can be
about so much more

than random dates
and ancient artifacts.

It can teach us
about ourselves.

A-About our flaws,
our hopes, even our dreams.

And all I'm saying,
Mr. Badalandabad,
is that at this university,

there's only one way
to skin a mongoose.

And it's my way.

Good day.

ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the opening event
of seven competitions

between our five
fraternal houses
for the Hastings Cup.

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

They're bleeding huge.

Guys, come on,
it's badminton.

The game is played
with a limp wrist.

How hard could it be?

(THUDDING)

Simon.

You were saying?

(CHEERING)

Okay. It is probably
safe to assume

that we will probably
not emerge victorious
from this match.

However,
it's very important that
we maintain our dignities.

Gethin,
just get the serve in.

Fine.
I have an idea.

Sadie...

(INAUDIBLE)

Simon, it's yours!

ANNOUNCER: Game,
Fox and Hounds.

TAJ: It was not so bad.

Okay, it was so bad,

but why are you refusing
to look on the bright side?

Oh, we're going
to bleed to death
of internal injuries?

No, we have made
an impression.

I mean, would you rather
be miserable and known,

or miserable
and anonymous?

ALL: Anonymous.

Sir, I think we were
fooling ourselves

to believe we had
even the tiniest chance
of winning this.

We're on the board.
We're actually on the board.

GETHIN: Yeah, but
it doesn't mean anything.

Everybody gets
a point for entering.

We're still 499 points away.

Okay, Captain Optimistic,
you are wrong.

TAJ: This is a beginning.

(HORN HONKING)

Oh, by the by,

just because you're making
a spectacle of yourselves,

it doesn't mean
you're not still invisible
to the rest of us.

That's great, Pip,

because it's very difficult
to beat something
that you cannot see.

Beat you?

You and your sorry lot
aren't even worth
spitting on.

Diarrhea face.

Sorry, what did you
just call me?
What?

No, no, no,
you definitely
said something.

No, I didn't...
I didn't say anything.

What was it?
No, I didn't...

You called me diarrhea face.

Really, did I?

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(WHISTLE BLOWS)
TAJ: It seems there's a time
and a place to hit people.

Yesterday was the wrong time
and today is the right place

and here you can win points
towards the Hastings Cup.

Hey, uh, Coach,
you need another player?

This guy? No way.

Oh, really?

(GRUNTS)

That's one way to do it.

Welcome.

PIP: Ladies and gentlemen,

I'm sure our
palates were titillated
from the last selection,

but I have
an even finer vintage
to present to you now.

I must hand it to you,
Charlotte.

You've done
an excellent job
with the TAs.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Thank you, Provost.

It's always been my theory

that as long as you're
clear with your rules
and expectations,

people generally
will fall in...

Uh?

Excuse me one moment. Sorry.

The next cognac
you'll be tasting

is from a 1793 bottle
from the Loire region...

(INAUDIBLE)

Of France. France.

Of France. A...A fine vintage,
as I was saying.

TAJ: So, despite all
of their money,

all those statues
are actually
completely worthless.

What is going on?

Field trip. We're observing
the double-breasted,
blue-blooded snot.

You're bird watching?

No, no, no, we're
observing the behavior
of British aristocracy.

Now.

BRB.

I told you to stick
to the assigned curriculum.

Yes, and as I
explained to you,

the assigned
curriculum was...

Was something I felt
very strongly about.

Which is why
I propose a challenge.

Pardon me?
A challenge.

You see, I believe

that my students'
academic achievements
are better enhanced

through a series
of field trips.

Oh, you do, do you?

Yes, and given the fact

that we have
a philosophical difference
in our teaching methods,

I suggest that
we settle our disputes

through a challenge
of some sort.

That way, if I win,
I can continue as planned,
and if...

No! There will be
no challenges.

This isn't a grade
school playground,
Mr. Badalandabad.

If you wish to receive
your doctorate from
this university,

you'll have to follow
the assigned curriculum.

Good night.

I figured you
might be scared.

The last thing
I am in this world
is scared of you.

I accept your challenge,

which means I get
to choose the weapons.

Great.

The weapons?

Charlotte, is it just me,
or do these absurd paintings

bear a striking resemblance
to your absurd boyfriend?

We are in Everett Hall.

Everett Hall.

Oh, please tell me
it's Earl of Grey tea
contained in this.

The ashes of six
generations of Everetts
are contained here.

Well, when it's Pip's turn,

they're going to have
to build a new hall
just to contain his ego.

Shall we begin?

Begin? Yes, let's begin.

Not bad, Miss Higginson,

but you should know
that I extensively studied
fencing at the university.

University fencing champion.
Twice in a row.

I was planning
on showing you
some mercy, but...

(EXCLAIMS)

What the hell was that?

It's the Rathbone.

My fencing teacher
taught it to me.

He's quite a good swordsman.

Ah, yes.
I've had a few ladies
tell me that myself.

Miss Higginson,
have you ever seen
the movie Zorro?

I have.

Six times.

(GRUNTING)

(SHOUTS)

Nine times.

(COINS CLATTERING)

Count yourself lucky
the only thing you lost
were your pants.

It's a shame, Miss Higginson.

You would have
enjoyed the trip.

I'll be on that field trip.

Will you?

That way,
when I have you replaced,

I'll be able to
explain my reasons.

Good night.

(SHINE PLAYING)

♪ Get up, get up,
get up, get up

On the right is the famous
Tower of London,

where Queen Elizabeth I
imprisoned her explorer
boyfriend,

Sir Walter Raleigh,

after he was found
doing the freaky-deaky

with one of her
ladies-in-waiting.

Presently people
line up outside the tower
to see the crown jewels,

which were stolen
during the brutal
British occupation of India.

The crown jewels are
actually quite magnificent.

I don't think
anyone's ever waited

an hour and a half
online to see mine.

TAJ: Actually, there was
that one time at Coolidge.

♪ This is the time

♪ This is the day

♪ That we've been waiting for

TAJ: Now, this is the area
where Charles Dickens

used to observe
the injustices of
London's class system.

"It was the best of times,
it was the worst of times."

Write that down.

Come on, guys, let's go.

Don't stop to stare,
it's just an old church.

♪ This is the new
national anthem

♪ We will all stand
on guard

♪ To let you be heard

On the left,
in Trafalgar Square,

is a statue of
Admiral Horatio Nelson,

Britain's most
famous war hero.

Nelson lost an arm,
an eye, an ear and a leg
in various battles.

Towards the end,
the poor guy was
nothing more

than a broomstick
with a cute little
admiral's hat on.

♪ This is the time

♪ This is the day

Oh, God.

That four-eyed geek's
staring at us.

No, I believe
he's staring at me.

Hi, is this seat taken?

What do I do?

Open your cakehole,
you bleeding idiot,
and tell her how you feel.

Um...

You are the most
beautiful woman
I've ever seen in my life

and I'd give
two years' tuition
to sleep with you.

That's being a bit
too honest, mate.

You're sweet.

You're like a horny little
Care Bear.

Okay, I think.

♪ When all the world will
stop to watch you shine ♪

What's so special
about this place?

The best fish and chips
in all of London.

Come on.

And then,
Winnie looked up,

gazed at me
over his glasses
and said,

"I see you're adept
at running numbers,

"but how good are you
at cracking code?"

And that, children,
is how I saved England.

Wait a minute.
Winnie? You?

You knew
Winston Churchill?

Well, I'm not talking about
Winnie the bleeding Pooh,

am I?

Jackie, where's that pint?

JACKIE: Coming right up.

I owe you an apology.

I completely
underestimated you.

You're a wonderful
teacher.

Thank you.

So, I take it
you had fun today.

Are you kidding me?
I had a ball.

Oh, my God, the ball.

The House of Lords
is still debating

the proposal
on the West End
theater project,

but I think
that we have to come
together on this

to find a viable way
and move forward.

Bloody bastard!

Okay, um, just
one man's opinion.

Hmm?

Oh, not you,
Lord Wrightwood.

My apologies.

Please excuse me.

What the hell
is he doing here?

Taj is a friend
and guest, Pip.

And I'd appreciate
you making him feel
part of this evening.

You know, Charlotte,
you're right.

I didn't mean to be rude.

Thanks, Pip.

"And the fire that
breaks from thee then,

"a billion times lovelier,

"more dangerous,

"O, my chevalier!

"No wonder of it. Shine,
and blue-bleak embers,
my dear,

"Fall, gall themselves,

"and gash gold-vermillion."

Thank you, Sir Wilfred,
that was a real treat.

Now, as is tradition
in the literary ball,

I'd like to call on a member
of our visiting faculty

to share with us
his favorite British poet.

Taj Badalandabad.

To the podium, please.

Pip, this certainly
comes as a surprise.

I think that it's important

a visiting foreign instructor
like Mr. Badalandabad

have an appreciation
for the heritage

and culture with which
he hopes to teach.

Have fun, Raji.

Thank you.

Um...

"There's a lady,

"who is sure that
all that glitters is gold,

"because she's buying
a stairway in Hampstead."

Now, she can't get
no satisfaction.

No. No, no, no.
No, she can't get
no satisfaction, none at all,

even...even when she's
driving in her smart car

or listening on the radio.

Or even when she's
pleading with Roxanne
to turn on the red light.

Damn it, Roxanne,
turn on that red light,

or Maxwell's Silver Hammer
will come smashing down
upon your head.

Turn on that red light,
you bitch, Roxanne,

or we'll all end up
in a big white house

with black curtains
at the station.

Or would you rather live
along the watchtower?
No.

Then turn on the red light,
Roxanne,

or I'll have my 19th
nervous breakdown for real.

It's the real thing.

It's even better
than the real thing.

I really want you all
to want me.

I really want to take
all of you higher,
trust me.

Do I look like
an American idiot to you?

(CHUCKLES)

No.

Which is why I wish you all
the time of your life.

(ALL APPLAUDING)

Thanks.

Jolly good show.

You liked it?
Absolutely.

That young man's presentation

strung together the words
of the poets of the street.

Not unlike
the American rapper, Eminem,

whom I rather dig.

TAJ: You know,
I love the British limerick
as well.

In fact, I read one
at Kensington station
just last week.

Tell me if you know it.

"There once was
a woman from Heath,

"who circumcised men
with her teeth."

(GASPS)

Taj.

I'd like you to
meet my parents,
Martha and Richard.

And of course
you know Sir Wilfred.

Hello, it's a pleasure
to meet both of you.

I can certainly see
where Charlotte gets her

sense of seriousness from.

(TAJ LAUGHS)

You put on a very
impressive exhibition
tonight, young man.

You should be congratulated.

Thank you very much.
I actually owe it all
to my good friend Pip here,

who encouraged when others
would have discouraged.

(PATTING)
Thanks, Pip.

Young man, I want you
to have a drink with me.

Sure. Excuse me.

He's quite clever,
isn't he?

I think I need
a drink myself.

Martha, would you
care to join me?

Yes.

This Raj fellow...

Taj, his name is Taj.

Right, Taj, then.

I believe he's been
creating quite a scuttlebutt
at school as well.

Oh, he just has
an original way
of doing things.

Charles, you're
more than old enough
to make your own friends,

but it would be a pity
to jeopardize your
relationship with Pip.

The Everetts are
a very important family.

Yes, I know, Daddy.

Pip's reminded me
many times.

All I'm saying is,

it's not every girl
that gets the opportunity

to become
the wife of an earl.

I'm sure you'll make
the right decision.

(JIG MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

Are you sure
we get points for this?

Seventy-five, Gethin.
Winner take all.

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

I've run a few numbers,
sir.

Their beer gut intake
is almost incalculably
large.

Have some faith, Gethin.

There are forces of nature
at work here.

Stop staring at her tits,
they're fake.

(BURPING)

ROGER:
They've actually moved up
in the standings.

Do you think that's
cause for concern?

(SCOFFING)
With that lot?

The only things
we've got to worry about

are communicable diseases
and fashion faux pas.

I mean, really.

In his dashing exploits
at the Battle of
Cape St. Vincent

and in his brilliant victory
at the Battle of Trafalgar,

Lord Nelson clearly proved
himself to be Britain's
greatest naval hero.

He wrote to
Lady Emma Hamilton,

"I have always
been 15 minutes
ahead of my time

"and it has made
a man of me."

Now, who here thinks

that Lord Nelson
was a bit reckless
during the Battle of...

(MAN SHOUTING)

ALL: Cock and Bulls
got so much soul!

Cock and Bulls
is in the house!

ALL: We rock!
What?

ALL: We roll!
What?

ALL: Cock and Bulls
got so much soul.

Cock and Bulls
is in the house.

As I was saying,
who here thinks

that Nelson took
too many chances with...

(CHANTING)

We hereby challenge you
to a reenactment of
the Battle of Agincourt.

We, naturally,
will be the English,

whereas you mangy vermin
will be the French.

What say you?

Mr. Badalandabad,
if you will insist

on bursting into my class
unannounced,

then I think
you should prepare to...

No, we just wanted
to have some fun.

I really think
you should prepare

to get your ass kicked.

(ALL HOOTING)

(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)

Wait. Don't shoot.

You big, strapping blokes

wouldn't help me find my gun
under this muck, would you?

Ah!

Oh, look, here it is.

(GRUNTING)

So long, misfit.

Penny,
I just bought these.

Sorry, Lexie,
finger must have slipped.

Hey!

(LAUGHS)

Aha!

(SCREAMS)

(SHOUTING)

TAJ: Ow! Ow!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

You know, I'm sorry
about Pip's behavior
last night.

He doesn't mean
anything by it.

He just doesn't
know any better.

Either that
or he does know better
and he just doesn't care.

No, Taj,
you don't understand.

Pip comes from
a very important family,

one of the most
powerful in England

and sometimes you just
have to overlook the...

Do you know what?

I sound
just like my father.

(CHUCKLES)

Sorry.
It's all right.

Look, aside from forgiving
all of Pip's awful faults,

what...what exactly
would you like to do
for the rest of your life?

Oh, you'd laugh.

No, I won't.

It's absurd, really.

I'd be one of the world's
foremost archaeologists,

traveling the world
in search of ancient
antiquities.

That sounds fascinating.

It's not that easy.

My parents have certain
expectations of me

and archaeology certainly
isn't one of them.

As my mother says,

"The future wife of an earl
doesn't get on her hands
and knees."

Not with her rings on,
anyway.

Hmm.

How about you?

What else would you like
to do with your life?

I want to be right here.

The university
is all the better
for having you,

and your students
absolutely love you.

No, I don't mean
the university.

I mean, just be here.

What I'm trying to say
is that I feel...

I feel...

(GROANING)

My balls.

(LAUGHING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

What the...

It felt like we were
in a heated battle,
didn't it?

Pip.

What in God's name
have you been doing?

We've been reenacting
the Battle of Agincourt.
It was fantastic.

You did what?

I can't talk now.
I'll call you later.

Hey, wait up.

They've been spending
an awful lot of time
together.

You don't suppose
that she and he are...

Oh, God, no.
Not my Charlie.

No, I'm afraid
the poor old dear
has a soft spot

for that
curry-breathing cretin

and his band of mutants,
micks and whores.

You always see
the best in people.

You know what they say.
Lords have mercy.

Welcome everyone
to the Mastermind Challenge.

The team that wins
the challenge

gets 50 points
towards the Hastings Cup.

Please wait
until the question
has been completed.

Percy stole the answers.

But don't make it
too obvious.

Question number one.

Please finish the following
Churchill quote.

"Let it roll.
Let it roll on full flood..."

That would be...

"Inexorable, irresistible,
benignant,

"to broader lands
and better days."

Point, Cock and Bulls.

How many members
of the Beatles

have been knighted
by the Queen?

I think that would be...

Only one,
Sir Paul McCartney.

Point, Cock and Bulls.

Never mind,
make it obvious.

Who is the inventor
of the device known
as the microscope?

Anton van Leeuwenhoek.

Point, Cock and Bulls.

Who is the captain of
the last English team
to win the World Cup?

Bobby Moore.
Point, Cock and Bulls.

In what Shakespearean plays
do ghosts appear?

Julius Caesar, Richard III,
Hamlet and Macbeth.

In what year was the
Suez Canal inaugurated?

1869.

Point, Cock and Bulls.

What was the name
of the island where...

The Galapagos Islands.

What is the
scientific name for...
Sodium chloride.

What is the...
The flux capacitor.

Would you say something?
Just anything.

How many of the...
Fifteen.

Seventeen.
Point, Cock and Bulls.

What, in biology...
A gerbil.

Which...
Gonorrhea.

Who...
William Shatner.

Nicolae Ceausescu.

Tell me...
George Lazenby.

Point, Cock and Bulls.

Large dog.
Point, Cock and Bulls.

Modus operandi.
Point, Cock and Bulls.

You know,
this guy is very good.

The Battle of Trafalgar.

Pocket rocket. Fats Domino.

More commonly
known as diarrhea.

Point, Cock and Bulls.

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

(WHAT I GO TO SCHOOL FOR
PLAYING)

The Cock and Bulls win
the Mastermind Challenge.

♪ That's what I go
to school for

♪ Even though it's
a real bore

♪ You can call me crazy

♪ But I know
that she craves me

♪ That's what I go
to school for

♪ Even though
it's a real bore

♪ Girlfriends, I've had plenty

♪ But none like Miss McKenzie

♪ That's what I go
to school for

♪ That's what I go
to school for ♪

"In a stunning upset
on the rugby field yesterday,

"the Cock and Bulls
defeated Hampshire House

(ALL CHEERING)

"to win the match
in final seconds
of the game,

"thanks to a stellar
athletic performance
by Seamus O'Toole."

Don't worry, ladies,
I still have another
stellar athletic performance,

or two, still left in me.

I have just met
the most spectacular bloke.

He didn't look
at my tits once.

Uh, maybe he's
a trouser pilot.

What if he don't fancy gals?

Bet you a fiver
he wishes you had a cock.

Oh, piss off, bush mill.

Taji, I'm... I'm nervous.

You know,
I like this bloke.

He's classy, the kind of guy
who'd be going out
with a proper lady.

I just don't think it'll work
between me and him.

Sadie, if you think
that this is a guy
who's worth getting to know,

then by all means,
get to know him.

Uh, money and position
make no difference

when it comes to
matters of the heart.

Do you guys
really believe that?

Absolutely.
Yeah.

Mmm-hmm.

Yeah.

Pip, the Cock and Bulls
did very well

on the rugby field
the other day.

If they win
the dog show on Saturday,

we could be
in real trouble.

Roger,
sometimes the Almighty,
in his infinite wisdom,

likes to give
a sliver of hope

to the downtrodden
and underprivileged

to make up for their
inferior haircuts

and the fact they have
to winter and summer
in the same place.

The Cock and Bulls are
entering a mongrel beast

and we're entering
Chauncey Avalon Renaissance,

a direct bloodline
to the legendary
Zurich von Edelweiss.

You're right.
We can't lose.

No, we can't.

Particularly
since I've prepared
some extra insurance.

(BARKS)
BOTH: Ding dong.

My ancestors did not create
the Hastings Cup

so that rejects
like the Cock and Bulls

could make a mockery
out of it.

Bon appetit, Balzac,
and bon voyage, losers.

Maxirod.

Enlargen, Manhammer?

Where did you
get this stuff?

Hmm?

Oh, I accidentally
took it from my father's
traveling kit.

But it says Pip Everett, Jr.
on the prescriptions.

A typo.
On all three bottles.

Look, shut up.

Hey.

(BARKS)

How many times
have I told you

never to take food
from strangers, huh?

Lads, tomorrow's dog show
will go down as
one for the ages.

To victory tomorrow
and the Hastings Cup.

Hey, Chauncey.

PIP: Cheers.
Here you go.

Sorry, buddy.

(DOGS BARKING)

MAN: Chauncey!

Bravo!

Bravo, Chauncey.

(WHOOPING)

How're you doing,
buddy, huh?

You ready to go?
You doing all right?

Yeah? You ready
to kick some tail?

Yeah, I think you are.

Good luck today.

Oh, thank you.
Have a good show.

Oh, we shall.

I'm looking forward to some
stiff competition out there.

I'm sure you are, Poop.
Pip.

Honest mistake,
diarrhea face.

What? What did I just say?

What did I just say, buddy?

Bijou Caronta and
his dachshund, Fritz.

Strong jaw line,
extended chest,
good firm buttocks.

Reminds me of
a young Susan Sarandon.

Taj Badla...

(STAMMERING)
Ah.

BOTH: Showtime.

(STUTTERING)

Badalandabad.

And his bulldog, Balzac.

PIP: That's strange.

Doesn't seem to be working.

Maybe the pills went bad.

Well, they worked fine
last Saturday.

My father happened
to mention.

JUDGE: My God,
this animal is magnificent.

It was a piece of cake.

Oh, I really hope it
isn't too "hard-on" you.

Pip Everett, the Earl of Grey,
and his Great Dane, Chauncey.

(DOGGIE STYLE PLAYING)

♪ I wanna hit it doggie style

♪ I wanna hit it doggie style

♪ I wanna hit it doggie style

♪ I wanna hit it doggie style

(DOGS BARKING)

♪ I wanna hit it doggie style

♪ I wanna hit it doggie style

♪ Doggie, doggie, doggie,
doggie, doggie, doggie

♪ Doggie style

Chauncey! Halt!

♪ I wanna hit it
doggie style ♪

Chauncey!

Chauncey!

(YELPING)

PIP: Chauncey.

(PEOPLE GASPING)

Chauncey!

(PEOPLE GROANING)

Come.

Chauncey, come.

Chauncey.

Chauncey!

What are you doing?

Trust me.

Chauncey, I said come!

(CHAUNCEY HOWLING)

Could someone please
get her a Tidy Wipe?

How dare that Third-World,
cow-loving social reject
humiliate me?

And how could Charlie be
so endlessly amused by him?

Your sister. Your sister,

carrying on with that
repugnant troll friend
of his.

The world's gone mad,
I tell you.

Our very way of life
is being threatened,

and I, for one, will not
allow it to continue.

Pip, perhaps we could
find a better usage
for your sword.

Alexandra, you're quite sure
your sister isn't joining
the Cock and Bulls party.

Yes, Penelope ran
to Mum and Dad's
for the night.

And you and Penelope
are an identical match?

Well, one of us
has a birthmark.

Would you like to see it?

If the rabble insist on
being crushed into oblivion,

so be it.

Alexandra,
I'm going to need your help.

(CHAUNCEY WHINING)

Chauncey, do shut up.

The pills will wear off
soon enough.

Alexandra, why are you
just sitting there?

I thought you said
you wanted to play
with my sword.

Oh, right, yeah.

(CRAZY BITCH PLAYING)

(SHOUTING)

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

Let's party!

(WHOOPING)

♪ And now you got
to freak me out

♪ Scream so loud,
getting fucking laid,

♪ You want me to stay

♪ But I got to make my way

♪ Hey, you're a crazy bitch,
but you fuck so good

♪ I'm on top of it

♪ When I dream
I'm doing you all night

♪ Scratches all down my back
to keep me right on ♪

TAJ: Everybody's attention,
please.

Attention, please.
Can I have...

(MUSIC STOPS)

I'd like to thank everyone
for coming tonight.

Thanks to
Balzac's performance,

the Cock and Bulls
are now only 20 points

behind the Fox
and the Hounds,

which means whoever
wins the next event

will win the Hastings Cup.

(ALL CHEERING)

So now,
let's just get inebriated.

(NUTHIN' BUT A DAWG PLAYING)

What's up, Gethin?

Where is Balzac, anyway?

I think he is
otherwise engaged.

(BARKING)

♪ You ain't nothin',
you ain't nothin' but a dog

♪ Tell me why
you're so scandalous

♪ Came and I see you here

♪ The doggy dogcatcher is
a doggy dog rule

♪ It's a doggy dog world ♪

Taji.

Sadie, how was your date?

Taji, you were right.
He was the perfect gentleman.

We had tea and then
a candlelit dinner

and then a beautiful
carriage ride.

That's wonderful.
Then we got scrambled,

he yanked off me scanties
and we shagged all night
on the tiles.

(LAUGHS)

All right.
Let's party.

Sir, there's a problem
with Simon.

Excuse me. What?

TAJ: Simon?

I, uh, have...

I have a problem.

Oh, my God,
he's talking.

Well, S-S-Simon,
whatever your problem is,

we're your friends,
you can tell us.

Well, you see,
it's to do with the size
of my, um, piddler.

Your...

Oh.

Well, uh, you know,
it's an understood fact

that a man's,
uh, piddler is...

(STAMMERING)
Appears smaller to himself
than it is in real life.

Well, you see,
that's what I'm afraid of.

'Cause according to me
it has some 11 inches.

Come again? Figuratively.

You see, the problem is
that every time I get aroused,

all the blood rushes
from my head to my... Head.

And I can't talk.

But do you think
it's gonna be...

(ALL SCREAM)

It's...
It's...

Yes.
Yes, I think
you'll be fine.

It works.

I'm sorry to
interrupt you boys

tossing off your
tally-whackers,

but, Taji, there's
a beautiful young lady
waiting for you outside.

I'm surprised you
don't get out more.

Hello.
CHARLOTTE: Smile.

Oh.

Sorry, I just had
to have a picture

of the wickedest
party of the year.

Well, then, why don't you
come on in, grab a drink?

Wait. I have
a surprise for you first.

Let's take a walk
in the woods.

A surprise in the woods?

(LAUGHING)
Well, can you
give me a second?

Let me go repack
my wallet real quick.

Come on.

♪ You can blow

♪ My mind

♪ So easy

TAJ: Amazing.

Fantastic.

The Persephone comet
hasn't been seen in
the English skies since...

♪ So easy

Napoleon was defeated
at Waterloo.

Yes.

♪ So easy

Come on.

I have one more
surprise for you.

Yeah?
Mmm-hmm.

Is this one scenery, too?

(LAUGHS)

♪ I need you

♪ I need you

♪ I need you ♪

No more scenery.

(A KICK IN THE MOUTH PLAYING)

Come on. Hey.
It's a party.

Hey, dude,
what are you looking at?

♪ Ain't this sweet,
she digs on me

♪ I am exactly where
I wanted to be

♪ I'm gonna kiss myself
till I can't see

♪ 'Cause I know

♪ DJ spins electric beat

Hi.

Seamus was just telling me
a story about you.

A very long one.

(GIGGLING)

Penelope?

I thought you were
gone for the weekend.

Yes. Uh, I was,

but I just couldn't
stop thinking of you.

You couldn't?
No.

That's fantastic.

Take me, Gavin.

Gethin.

Whatever.

Wow. You seem so different.

Have you always had that
birth mark on your neck?

It matches this one.

Any more dumb questions?

No, I...I'm good.

Good.

♪ Hey, I could've been
someone else

There's nothing
to be nervous about.

Just take off your clothes.

♪ Yeah, yeah

Okay.

♪ Yeah, yeah,
it's just a kick in the mouth

♪ Yeah, yeah,
it's just a kick in the mouth

♪ Yeah, yeah,
it's just a kick in the mouth

♪ Yeah, yeah,
it's just a kick
in the mouth ♪

(GASPS)

(THUDDING)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

(SCREAMING)

Nice.

(GRUNTS)

Take your bloody
hands off me.

You whiskey-swilling
Irish blockhead.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

No. Dilip,
Kami and Alita.

We are the Badalandabads.

We have come to
surprise our son,
Taj Mahal.

He's upstairs.

If you'll excuse me,

I think I'm in love.

(TAJ MOANING)

(BOTH IMITATE ROARING)

Oh.

(IMITATE MEOWING)

TAJ: Yes.

Excuse me.

Bad doggie.

(IMITATES BARKING)

Oops.

Oops.

I'm ready for you,
my little Yorkshire pudding.

ALL: Surprise!

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Go! Go! Oh, my God.

(SHOUTING)

CHARLOTTE: I don't care.

So... Have a nice flight?

I warn you, Provost.

Prepare to be appalled
beyond your imagination.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Good Lord!

Disgusting, isn't it,
Provost?

Coming through.

GIRL: Hi, gorgeous.

Provost?

Provost?

Right this way, Provost.

Are you okay?

(EXCLAIMS)

Provost, he has
knocked that woman out
with his schlong.

Hmm.

(PUNK MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

Arey, don't worry, beta.

They will get over it.

It's not like your family
has never seen you naked
before.

Okay, maybe not
quite as hairy...

Dad.
But still.

So, is there
someone special,

or were you just...

No! Yes!

No, I mean...
Yes, there was somebody.

Really?

And how schlong... Long
have you been seeing her?

Well, tonight was actually
our first night together.

And already
in your bedroom.

Shabaash, beta. My son
is a hound doggie, eh!

A chip off the old
Badalandabads.

You got the old Camford
chick-a-day calendar,
huh, beta?

Beta?

Something like that.

Penelope?

My little vixen, I'm ready.

Honey bunny? I'm ready.

Penelope, I'm not quite sure
how this works.

Do I get disciplined now?

PROVOST: Absolutely.

Are you enjoying the party,
sir?

You know, beta,
I envy you.

You are just like I was.

A chip off the old
Badalandabads.

Huh?

Attending
the big bad bone dance,

morning, noon and night.

The pink taco stand
delivering 24 hours a day,

free of charge.

(EXCLAIMING)

Dad! Dad! Dad!
Dad, listen.

No dishum.

No dishum.
No.

I am not a chip off
the old Badalandabad

and I'm not a hound doggie.
I'm sorry.

I... I tried to live up
to your legacy. I really did.

But I...I'm afraid
I disappointed you.

You see,
I really have fallen
for someone,

and it's just one girl.

Just one girl?

Just one.

I see.

So, this one girl
is feeling the same
as you are?

I believe so.

(CHUCKLES)

Well, I guess
we are not all cut out
to be hound doggies.

Huh?

You're not disappointed?

DILIP:
How can I be disappointed?

You're my son.

It is watching you
come into your own
as a man

that makes me feel
so proud of you, beta.

Come, give your father
a big squashy.

Thanks.

No, no, Dad,
I need another hug.

Oh, beta.

Oh, beta, I love you.
It's okay.

Beta, I can't breathe.
I can't breathe, my beta.

Beta, I can't breathe.

(GROANING)
Oh, I love you, too.
I love you. My testicles!

Bye.

Sorry,
did I ruin a moment?

What the hell
are you doing here?

Provost and I made some
interesting discoveries
this evening.

Stolen copies of
next week's history test
in your students' rooms.

(SCOFFS)

My students would
never cheat.

Yes.
Well, you can tell your story
to the disciplinary committee

first thing in the morning.

You know, it's funny
how things work out,
isn't it?

I suggest you
start packing, Paki.

Restraint, my boy.
Restraint.

He's mine.

Dad!

Camford University is
the greatest institution

of higher learning
in the world.

We take transgressions
most seriously.

So it is I must inform you
that you're all expelled.

I stole the exam.

GETHIN:
Sir, that's ridiculous.

Quiet, Gethin,
this is how it must be.

I don't know the first thing
about English history,

so how could I have
expected my students
to pass an exam.

I admit it was
a weak moment.

But it was my weak moment,
not theirs.

Well, you understand
that this would mean
your immediate expulsion.

Yes.

I only ask that
you not penalize
my students for something

for which
I'm clearly to blame.

They all have to be expelled.

PIP: They've already
seen the exam.

I don't see
why the entire house
should be penalized

for Mr. Ba...

(STAMMERING)

ALL: Badalandabad!

Thank you.
Oh, yes.

Well, for his
transgressions.

Um, we'll give them
an oral exam.

If they pass,
they're back in.

If not, well, they're out.

PIP: Fine.

But meanwhile,
Mr. Badalandabad,

we accept your expulsion.

Wait. Charlotte,
let me explain.

I've heard more than enough,
thank you.

I cannot believe
we bought in to
all of your nonsense.

But...

Those kids idolized you.

I admired you.

But the joke's
on all of us, isn't it?

Because you're nothing
but a cheat.

Look, I didn't mean
to hurt anybody, okay?

If you would just
let me explain...
No.

The road to hell is paved
with good intentions,
isn't it?

Good day, Mr. Badalandabad.

(AFTERMATH PLAYING)

♪ Most days

♪ I'm burning in a fire

♪ I got a cliche cold

♪ Staring in my world

♪ But these days

♪ The bird is on the wire

♪ Two fingers pull a pen

♪ A half drawn picture
of a dream

♪ And here between
the writing on the wall

♪ I try to feel
forgotten for a while

♪ And it's hard

♪ And I get angry
all the time

♪ But this is not a life
I cannot change

♪ But somewhere
in the heart of the aftermath

MAN: We all know
why we're here.

Let's begin.

♪ 'Cause you could've been

♪ Anybody on the road to me ♪

(WOMAN GROANING)
Come on, baby. Come on.

Daddy's leaving soon.

Oh, you wanna give it to me,
don't you?

Come on. I'm trying
a different tactic here, baby.

I'm trying to be nice to you.

You don't like it nice,
do you, you little whore?

Hey, guys. How did it go?
WOMAN: Oh, baby.

Oh.

Well, look, the important
thing is that you tried,
all right? It...

(LAUGHING)

You passed?

Oh, you passed.
Yeah!

(ALL YELLING)

What's wrong, Gethin?

Oh, well, this is
all thanks to you, sir.

And as soon as
you leave tomorrow,

we're going to
get slaughtered
in the Hastings Cup.

Oh, please, Gethin.
That's absolutely ridiculous.

This is all thanks
to you guys.

You know, I had a feeling
that you guys would pass.

(BOTTLES CLINKING)

So I prepared
some libations.

Now, you guys were outcasts
when you got here,

and you showed those
privileged snotbags

that you were their better.

And because of
your hard work,

Camford, one of the finest
institutions in the world,

is now yours.

And it's time
you get out there,

and kick some
Fox and Hounds ass,

and win the Hastings Cup.

To the Cock and Bulls.

ALL: To the Cock and Bulls.

Oh, come on, this again.

To the Cock and Bulls!

ALL: To the Cock and Bulls!

(BELLS TOLLING)

Taj Mahal, beta,
cheer up a little.

You will find another school
which will make you happy.

(STAMMERING) Dad,
I'm really, really sorry
that I disappointed you.

I just wanted to follow
in your legendary footsteps.

Did I not tell you
about your stories,
Dilip, huh?

Tell him.

Taj, I may have told you
a slight stretching
of the truth.

I'm afraid
I was never a member
of the Foxes and Hounds.

What?

But all those stories?

Wait. The...The ones about
being the sultan of snatch
are true, though, right?

(SCOFFS)

That would be a fine thing.
He's lucky to even find it.

More like
the sultan of splat.

One must admit,
it can be somewhat
difficult to locate at times.

Hang on. Hang on.

Why were you not in
the Foxes and Hounds?

I thought I was accepted.

But when I arrived,

there had been
some sort of mistake.

A typographical error,
they said.

You're kidding.

It's okay, beta.

Maybe this university
is not the place for
us Badalandabads.

Huh?

Come. Let's go home.

Can you guys please give me
a few minutes alone?

Haan, beta.
Of course. Chalo.

We will wait outside.

Guess I won't be needing
that golf cart, Van.

How fast does
that golf cart go?

What are you doing here?

There's no time.
I'll explain on the way.

Welcome everybody
to the final competition
for the Hastings Cup.

(ALL APPLAUDING)

Now, only two teams have
accrued enough points

to compete
in the final event.

The Fox and Hounds,

and the Cock and Bulls.

Fox and Hounds,
who will represent you?

I will.

Cock and Bulls,
who will represent you?

I will.

(PEOPLE GASPING)

(ALL CHATTERING)

What are you doing here?

You've been expelled.

I... I'm afraid
Mr. Everett's correct.

Only current students are...

Provost Cunningham,
I think you'll find
a reinstatement is in order.

Charlie, have you
lost your senses?

Quite the opposite.

If you look closely
at this photo,

you'll see that
a woman is holding
the stolen exam papers.

Which means
it couldn't have been Taj.

He was just
helping his friends.

Don't just stand there,
young man.

You've got a competition
to compete in.

(ALL CHEERING)

Cheers.

ALL: Cock and Bulls!

En garde.

Point, Fox and Hounds.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Okay, he is good.

You're not concentrating.

Every time,
he attacks from his left
and exposes his chest,

that's when you attack.

Hello. I'm trying.

But his lightning-fast
blows make it
a little bit difficult.

Oh, our first fight.

Just go.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

PROVOST:
Point, Cock and Bulls.

That was great.
Got any more advice?

Yeah.

Note taken.

You know,
I think I'm finally
starting to scare him.

(CROWD GASPS)

Somebody has
some anger issues.

Let's settle this
like my ancestors did,
shall we?

You want to exploit me
economically?

No.

First blood.

First blood?

Come on, Paki,
it's your chance to stick it
to the British aristocracy.

Pip, stop it.

(EXCLAIMING)

Pip, I hate to pry,

but do you think your
sword obsession is over...

Overcompensation
for your shortcomings!

Violence doesn't
solve anything, bitch.

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

I'm sorry!

No, I'm not.

Gethin.

Thank you.

Oh, shit.

I don't think
you get it, Raji.

We don't want you here.

If we weren't here,

who would tend to
your fossil gardens
and serve you tea

while you pretend
to be important,
you goron?

(GROANS)

I'm sure I'd survive, Raji.

Can't say the same about you.

(SHOUTS)

You are pompous,
you're racist,
you're sexist

and dress like
a dance instructor
on a cruise ship.

Looks like it's
curtains for you, Raji.

Good idea, Pip.

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

(GROANING)

Up and over.

Oh, my God.
Pip, that was fantastic.

How did you do that?

Well, I work out, I train.
You got to eat right...

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

This is becoming
rather tiresome.

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

(WHISPERS)
Go for the Rathbone.

Ah!

The Rathbone.
Very impressive.

But bad news.
I taught it to her.

Time to meet your ancestors,
Haji.

Oh, yeah?
Perhaps you'd like
to meet yours.

No!

Father!

(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)

And the name is Taj.

PROVOST:
Point and match, Mr. Ba...

(STAMMERING)

ALL: Badalandabad!

(ALL CHEERING)

Somebody please
get me a Tidy Wipe.

Congratulations, young man.
Congratulations.

(CHEERING)

Ladies and gentlemen,

I give you
this year's winners,
the Cock and Bulls,

winners of this year's
Hastings Cup.

Hooray!

Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.

Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.

(STAMMERING) My father
donates millions of pounds
to this university.

Consider repercussions
of what you're about to do.

Tell him.
All right. All right.

Pip stole the exam papers

and he got me to put them
in their rooms.

(PEOPLE GASPING)

Well, perhaps you should
consider the repercussions

of what you've done, Pip.

Yes, he's right.
You're expelled.

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

Good, I couldn't stand
that little snotbag.

Sammy!

Sammy!

Lord Wrightwood?

Yes.

(STUTTERING)

Pip Everett. Earl of Grey.

Ah, Mr. Everett, I am...

I didn't recognize you.

Oh, that's nothing. No.

I...I just wanted to say,
I received your letter
of commendation,

and wanted to say thank you
for everything.

Ah, yes. About that,

it seems there has
been a mistake.

Mistake?

Typographical, I'm afraid.

It was meant to say that
you had not got the position.

Sorry, old boy.

(STAMMERING)
Typographical.

What he's trying to say
is piss off, Pip.

No, okay. Yeah, okay.

Sure. Quite. Oh, okay.

Are you sure
typographical was...

Clear enough.
Thank you. Great.

Beta, beta, beta,
beta, beta.

I've never been
more proud of you
than I am at this moment.

Thanks, Dad.

You know, your son
is the biggest hound
doggie on campus.

My son, a hound doggie?

It's practically raining
women's undergarments

when he walks
down the street.

I always knew it that my son
would follow in my footsteps

in the pursuit
of the pink taco.

Being a hound doggie is
in the Badalandabad genes.

Well, it may be
in his genes, dear,

but I certainly never
found anything special,
when I looked in yours.

Are you saying that
I'm firing blanks?

I have fathered
three children.

So, what? If our mattress
could have gotten pregnant,

you would have
fathered six.

I am warning you, woman.

I am shaking in my sari.

I don't need
this aggravation.

Thanks for dealing
with my dad.

They don't live here,
do they?

Oh, no, no. Milwaukee.

My pleasure, then.

You know, Charlotte,
you should know
I'm not a rich guy.

I don't own
a house or anything.

I'm not an earl.

In fact,
the only title I hold is
to an '86 Toyota Corolla.

Oh, come now,
Mr. Badalandabad.

You're forgetting
what an excellent
swordsman you are.

Hardly,
I almost died up there.

I mean I got
a couple of good...

Were you calling me
a hound doggie?

(CHUCKLING) Maybe.

Well.

(SHINE PLAYING)

♪ It never gave warning

I can fence much
better than you, though.

Oh, really?
Yes.

Let's go.
You want a rematch?

Let's go, yes.

♪ I'm ticking like a time bomb

♪ You're tripping
over my soul, hon

♪ I'm in for the ghost

♪ And most of all,
there's no turning back

♪ I wanna feel

♪ I wanna really know

♪ I gotta be the one now
to tell you that you'll
forever shine

♪ I wanna feel

♪ I wanna see the sun

♪ I wanna be the one now
to tell you that you'll
forever shine

♪ Give me something
to believe in

♪ It's not the shit
that I've been reading

♪ Lay it down,
turn it in, turn it on

♪ Let it be revealed

♪ I know

♪ We'll leave it behind

♪ I know

♪ I've made up my mind, yeah

♪ I wanna feel

♪ I wanna really know

♪ I gotta be the one now
to tell you that you'll
forever shine

♪ I wanna feel

♪ I wanna see the sun

♪ I wanna be the one now
to tell you that you'll
forever shine

♪ Shine

♪ Shine

♪ I never saw it coming

♪ It never gave warning

♪ I never knew something
to be so real

♪ I wanna feel

♪ I wanna really know

♪ I gotta be the one now
to tell you that you'll
forever shine

♪ I wanna feel

♪ I wanna see the sun

♪ I wanna be the one now
to tell you that you'll
forever shine

♪ Shine

♪ Let it shine

♪ Yeah, shine

♪ Let it shine

♪ Shine ♪