Original subtitles

(VEGGIES SHOUTING)

(CANNONS FIRING)

(EXCLAIMS)

Stand firm, men, for the King and Monteria!

(YELLS)

Back to the sea, dog!

(GRUNTING)

Prince Alexander!

Drop your weapons or say goodbye to your prince!

Robert. I should have known you were behind this cowardly attack.

Hello, nephew. Sorry I've missed the family reunions,

but it's been difficult, being banished and all.

Your punishment was well-earned.

That depends on your point of view.

But since your daddy has left you alone and unprotected,

I thought we could get reacquainted.

His absence is but temporary.

He has business across the Western Sea.

Is that what he told you?

(CHUCKLING)

He knew I was growing strong in the mechanical arts.

Too strong, perhaps, for even him.

You fight bravely for the son of a coward.

(GRUNTS)

Tie him up! Your cutlass!

Plenty more at home. Leave it.

A calling card for my cowardly brother.

Take him aboard the Stubb! And be sure to bring the princess as well!

She's not here. She stayed behind in Monteria.

Search the ship. Find the girl.

I tell you, she's not here!

Aha!

Are you certain he's gone?

I say, my lady, it may be prudent to remain under wraps.

My lady?

My brother needs help.

Oh, heavens, my lady! As your butler, I cannot allow you to...

Step aside, Willory.

But, my lady, it's a boatful of pirates

and your fencing classes have just begun!

You're not yet up to the task!

Perhaps you're right.

Then there's only one thing to do.

Indeed. Stay hidden until the rogues have left.

My lady?

What is it?

It's from my father. His own creation.

He said I was to use it only in the gravest of circumstances.

(PIRATES SHOUTING)

I'd say this qualifies.

But what does it do?

It's a Helpseeker.

We need help. Alexander has been taken.

The situation is dire. Please bring back...

Let me see. What do we need?

The army! The navy!

Heroes. We need heroes that can save Alexander!

She's not on board, sir.

Blast! Send spies to Monteria and the surrounding isles.

I need them both.

Heroes?

Yes. Heroes.

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

(WHOOPS)

ALL: (SINGING) Oh

It's Spanish gold for all tonight

For King and country, now we fight

Our shirts are loose Our pants are tight

It's Spanish gold for all tonight

It's Spanish gold for all tonight

Have you seen the show before?

No, too expensive.

My boyfriend got me in for free tonight. He works here.

Oh, mine, too. Family Night, right?

Right. Is he in the show?

No, he's just a cabin boy.

Same here. But not for long.

Elliot says he's a shoo-in for the show, as soon as he tries out.

Wait. You're Elliot's date? Our boyfriends are friends!

(GASPING)

Is that bad?

No. There's something behind you.

Where is he?

For the flower of all gourds.

Oh, Sedgewick, you're too cute.

Anything for you, Ellen.

It's Spanish gold for all tonight

As Spaniards quake to see the sight

Our flag unfurled with black and white

(ALL WHOOPING)

It's Spanish gold for all tonight!

WOMAN: Hooray, Sir Frederick!

Picture for the happy couple?

Sure, why not?

Oh, Sedgewick, come here. Put your face close to me.

Look at that. Soy la reina.

I'm the queen, you're the king.

(CLEARING THROAT)

I'll catch up with you later.

WOMAN: Hey! Cabin boy! Refill!

I'm telling you this job will be the death of me.

But you're going to keep at it

so you don't end up back in your parents' basement.

Right.

I like your toy.

It's not a toy, it's a labor-saving device!

Sedgewick, meet Bernadette. She's Elliot's girlfriend.

Pleased to meet you.

Sweetie, how about having your little car

fetch me some barbecue sauce?

It's in the back room.

Out of range.

Well, how about you fetch me some barbecue sauce?

It's in the back room. Out of range.

Sedgewick!

(CHUCKLING) There he is now. Hi, Elliot.

Hey, Bernadette.

Elliot, would you run to the back room

and get some barbecue sauce for my new friend, Ellen?

You know I would, Bernadette, but, it's just that

the back room is real, real dark.

And?

It's on my list.

His list?

His list of things he's afraid of. It's extensive.

Well, I don't need barbecue sauce that badly.

Why doesn't he get it?

Too much work.

George! ALL: Huh?

We'll have George get it. You can talk him into anything.

GEORGE: I'm back!

What took so long?

Oh, I had to run an errand for another cabin boy.

George.

Oh, it was nothing. How do the kids like the show?

It's great. Did you see Sir Frederick knock that guy into the water?

I liked it when he swung on the rope.

They're both pretty taken with Sir Frederick.

He's cool! Yeah!

Right.

Hey, after the show's over,

you want me to take you down on the pirate ship?

Sir Frederick is gonna take us.

What?

You don't need to wait for Sir Frederick.

I could take you on the set tonight.

Yeah, Dad, but Mom says if we come back on Friday

I can bring some money and get a sword just like Sir Frederick's.

I'll wait till Friday.

(LAUGHING) You're no match for me!

Take that! Taste my steel!

Cool! Did you see Sir Frederick?

He's a hero!

MAN: Hey, cabin boy! Refill!

(GROANS)

Coming.

(SIGHING)

I can't believe my own kids are coming back

to get a tour from Sir Frederick.

It's just 'cause he's in the show.

And he's big and strong and brave and manly.

When I'm in the show, after my audition,

Bernadette'll think I'm a hero, too.

Yeah, after your audition.

Look at George here. This guy knows every line in that show.

He knows more about pirates than Blackbeard himself.

So, why didn't he try out?

Yeah, George. Why don't you?

It would never work. I'm just not the type.

There you go.

(ALL GASPING)

Excuse me, sir. The day's show is over.

I say, the show is over.

The hour is near. The call is coming.

Adventure awaits.

Though you will stumble, the crab will show you the light.

When adversity devours you, a lever will set you free.

When all hope is gone, help will come from above in the shape of

a donkey!

Take heed, O friends.

The stage is set for the heroes at hand.

The crab of adversity will devour the donkey?

What was that about?

And why would a blind guy come to a dinner theater, anyway?

Maybe he likes the music.

I know what it means. BOTH: What?

Don't you see? "The stage is set for the heroes at hand."

We're gonna be in the show, all of us.

What?

Listen to me. There's the stage.

We're the heroes at hand. Get it?

If we all audition, we're going to be stars.

How would he know?

The blind are often blessed with keen insight.

Our gals would really look up to us if we were in the show.

And my kids would think I'm a hero.

The stage is set for the heroes at hand.

I got my own set of pirate costumes in my locker.

I've been saving them for, you know, whatever.

"The hour is near."

"The call is coming."

Let's give it a shot!

Okay, let's get this over with.

It's way past my bedtime.

Ready when you are, Mr. Hibbing!

All right.

Andy, cue the music and the lights.

Scene Three positions. Let's see what you've got.

ELLIOT: Here we go.

Avast, you scurvy dogs.

You came from the sea and to the sea you shall return.

Pirate two, position five.

Okay.

I go aloft, Captain.

The height will afford me a keener view.

(YELLING)

Pirate three, position four.

Your cutlass be sharper than your mind, bilge rat.

(EXCLAIMS)

Can I do my lines from here? I'm pooped.

Trigger B.

(MECHANICAL ROARING)

Whoa! That's on my list.

(GRUNTING)

Ahoy.

(ALL SCREAMING)

I can't believe he fired us just for failing an audition.

And breaking the restaurant.

Man, that's it for me.

It's back to my parents' basement and goodbye Ellen.

I needed that job.

Sure, we can get some ice cream.

Okay, double-fudge for me.

Hi, Jacob. Hello, Mr. Lewis.

Heard about your audition.

I guess that makes you "The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything."

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Well, tough luck. Some guys got it and some guys don't.

JACOB: No wonder George Jr. wants to hang out with us.

His dad's a loser.

(SIGHING)

I don't know what went wrong. The old man...

What went wrong is that we listened to you!

I should be at home right now, watching TV

as a happily employed cabin boy.

I guess guys like us will never be more than cabin boys.

Oh, come on, guys.

Things look kind of bad right now, but something will turn up.

See what I mean?

Free garbage.

Oh, now we're headed someplace. We've got a metal ball.

(WHIRRING) Well, what is it?

Well, it could be something valuable, like a Russian satellite.

Or maybe a bomb.

I don't think it's a bomb.

(BEEPING) Uh-oh.

I told you it was a bomb.

Chuck it in the river. It think it might be a bomb.

I don't think it's a bomb. I think it's a bomb.

It's a bomb! It's a bomb for sure!

I saw this on TV once.

It's a bomb!

I don't think it's a bomb.

(BOTH WHIMPERING)

(CLICKING)

What happened?

It stopped blinking.

I pushed the button.

You did what?

(BOTH WHIMPERING)

There's something you don't see every day.

So, we lost our jobs, but we got a rowboat.

So maybe it's a wash.

SEDGEWICK: Oh, okay. I'll say, "Hey, Ellen.

"The bad news is, I got fired

"and I'm living in my parents' basement again.

"The good news is, I got a rowboat."

GEORGE: It's so old.

Well, you know the saying.

"Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day.

"Give a man a rowboat and he'll..."

You ruined my life!

(BEEPING)

Hey, we could have two rowboats.

Wait!

(CLICKS)

(SEAGULLS SQUAWKING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

I'm thinking we should avoid pushing any more buttons!

I was going to get us another rowboat.

Well, you didn't!

You didn't get us another rowboat! You got us...

You got us...

Where are we?

GEORGE: We appear to be at sea.

ELLIOT: It's a lovely day.

(SEDGEWICK SCREAMING)

Take me home! Put me back!

I don't know how.

Push another button! You're the king of the buttons!

But it doesn't do anything if they aren't blinking. They're not blinking.

(WHIMPERING)

See? Nothing.

Hey, I think I see something.

It's a ship. Let's row over and check it out.

Row?

Yeah. It's a rowboat.

Each of you grab an oar and start rowing.

Hey, scoot over a little bit.

We got to even out the weight a little.

GEORGE: You hold the skinny part.

ELLIOT: I wanna be the rudder. Can I be the rudder?

GEORGE: You're not rowing together.

SEDGEWICK: No, you're going the wrong way.

GEORGE: It's not a metaphor. I'm talking literally.

It's a girl. Ahoy, there!

Ahoy, strange seafarers.

What brings you so far from shore in such a modest vessel?

Well, it's kind of funny.

We found this rowboat in the alley

because there was a ball in the garbage truck.

This ball.

(WHISPERING) The Helpseeker.

Willory, they've come!

WILLORY: Who's come, my lady?

The heroes. They're here!

What'd she say?

We've been waiting for you. Quickly, come up.

It's splendid to meet you.

I'm Eloise, Princess of Monteria,

and this is my butler, Willory.

We haven't much time. Pirates have taken my brother, Prince Alexander.

With my father, the King, away in the west,

it is imperative that we mount a rescue immediately.

So?

Well, you're the heroes.

Any questions?

My lady, may I have a word?

We need to talk.

Certainly. One moment.

We'll be right with you.

I mean no disrespect, but these men hardly seem the heroic type.

They're short, rather pudgy,

and for heaven's sake, they were rowing around the ocean.

What is going on here?

She thinks we're, uh...

Heroes.

But, Willory, they have the ball.

Perhaps they plucked it from the ocean or stole it from the real heroes.

They could be pirates themselves, you know.

I mean, look how they're dressed.

So, what do we do?

I say we have the asparagus and the little princess

turn this boat around and take us home.

Or we take this opportunity

to do what we've always wanted to do.

Buy go-carts?

No, be heroes.

But we're cabin boys.

They don't know that. She called us heroes.

You're kidding, right?

Oh, come on, how hard could it be?

We sail around, we find the prince, we go back home heroes.

But how can we trust them?

Because I trust my father.

He created the Helpseeker for one purpose, to bring help.

And this is the help it has brought.

It's kind of nice to be called a hero.

Sure beats "loser."

Well, gentlemen, are you ready for adventure?

Point the way!

Oh, you're not pirates, are you?

Well, we're...

We sure aren't cabin boys.

We're friendly pirates, sort of.

Oh. You don't rob or pillage, do you?

Oh, no, we don't do any of that stuff.

In fact, we don't do anything at all.

Back home, they actually call us "The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything."

(LAUGHING) That's right.

How comforting.

Well, then, there's no time to spare.

Great. I'll drive.

We'll just give it some gas.

How do you start this thing?

(LAUGHING) What a kidder. Elliot, let me take the wheel.

You scramble up to the yard and unfurl the topsail.

Come again?

Position three.

Oh! Aye, aye, Captain.

So, you guys got TiVo?

Certainly. Where are my manners?

Willory, kindly bring our friend some tea.

No, TiVo.

It's the recording thing with the TV thing in the future.

Tea would be lovely.

(GRUNTS)

The spies are in place, sir.

This is great.

So, where we headed?

We're coming up on a bunch of islands. Real pointy ones.

Yes, the Whipcrack Islands.

These treacherous waters shelter many a desperate pirate.

A skilled captain able to sail this maze will find, at its center,

the Inn of Jolly Joe, a popular pirate haunt.

Perhaps we should turn back.

We cannot turn back. Alexander is counting on us.

Captain, are you up to the task?

Sure. Why, exactly, do we need to go there?

To find out more about this.

Hey, I've seen that on TV.

You can cut a can with it and still slice a tomato.

This cutlass belongs to the pirate who took my brother.

If we find out who the owner is,

we'll be closer to finding Alexander.

WILLORY: My lady, I don't think we're safe.

These waters teem with pirates,

and you'd make a handsome prize.

We must do whatever it takes to rescue my brother, Willory.

Besides, we have our heroes to watch over us.

Does anyone know where the bathroom is?

Oh.

Don't worry about a thing, Willory. It's under control.

Listen here, I don't know who you are or where you came from,

but I know what a hero is and you three buffoons are most definitely not.

How do we look, First Mate Elliot?

Looking good, Captain. Steady as she goes.

Huh?

Captain, did you see anything over there?

Hey, I don't see anything.

Hmm.

(CANNON FIRING)

Oh, no!

What? Oh, dear!

Drop your sails and prepare to be boarded!

Quickly, my lady, you must hide.

What do I do?

(STUTTERS)

We should drop our sails.

What?

Drop the sails!

Get to the yard and undo the knots. Position three!

Okay.

Perhaps you don't know who you're dealing with.

This be One-Eyed Louie, terror of the Seven Seas.

I'm giving you to the count of five to drop your sails

or we'll send you to the bottom.

(PIRATES LAUGHING) ELLIOT: I'm putting you on my list.

Drop the sails! Drop the sails!

I don't know how to untie them.

Five...

They're bowline knots. Break the back!

Back of what? Which? Where?

Four...

The rabbit goes around the tree twice, then down the hole.

Get the rabbit out of the hole!

What rabbit?

Three...

(SINGING) Looking for the bathroom

Oh! How quaint. The princess has a Powder Room!

Locked. All right, where's the key?

Two... I'm not getting it.

The rabbit, the middle, the hole!

Here, key, key, key!

Oh! Look, there you are.

On a big ring, just like at the gas station.

One.

Come on. I got to go!

(PIRATES YELLING)

What a marvelous strategy, pretending you couldn't untie a knot

while Sedgewick crept down to the gun deck.

What cunning! What bravery!

(STUTTERING) Oh, it was nothing. Really.

I told you they were heroes.

SEDGEWICK: I don't have to go to the bathroom no more!

PIRATE: Get a move on. Hurry it up!

Welcome to my kingdom, Prince.

It's not quite as homely as your father's,

but it's great for entertaining.

SAILORS: Whoa!

Have fun!

You can't hide, Robert. My father will send help.

(LAUGHING) Oh, I would enjoy that.

All are welcome.

(GRUNTING)

Watch your step.

Any sign of the inn yet?

Anything?

Not yet.

My father will be very pleased that his Helpseeker found you all.

You love your dad a lot, huh?

Oh, yes. He's a wonderful king.

Wise, brave, but he always finds time for me, his little Eloise.

Oh, that's great.

I'd figure a king would be kind of busy most of the time.

Oh, but he's much more than just an ordinary king.

Do you have children?

Sure do. George Jr. and Lucy. Great kids.

I'm sure they know how lucky they are. A hero for a father!

(SIGHING)

ELLIOT: I see something!

It looks like an inn or something.

WILLORY: I'm asking again, my lady,

for your own safety, please return to the ship.

You are a princess, and this inn is full of treacherous pirates!

Yes, thank you, Willory.

But my brother's life may be at stake.

Even princesses can do what's right.

Yes, of course.

You'll need to befriend a group of pirates,

then ask them about the owner of this cutlass.

Right.

And, for heaven's sake, keep your wits about you.

These are treacherous men.

PIRATE: Join in!

PIRATES: (SINGING)

Argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh

Argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh!

Grab your root beer, hold it high!

Whack your shipmate in the eye!

Yank his hair and break his nose!

Watch your back, it's Jolly Joe's!

Grab your root beer, hold it high!

Whack your shipmate in the eye!

Yank his hair and break his nose!

Watch your back, it's Jolly Joe's!

Argh, argh, argh, argh, argh

Argh, argh, argh, argh, argh

SCOOTER: You've got it now! Keep it up, lads!

Swing your shipmate, promenade Smack him with a rusty blade

Spin around and do-si-do

Watch your step, it's Jolly Joe's

Swing your shipmate, promenade Smack him with a rusty blade

Spin around and do-si-do

Watch your step, it's Jolly Joe's

Argh, argh, argh, argh, argh

Argh, argh, argh, argh, argh

SCOOTER: Watch your backs, scalawagons!

Argh, argh, argh, argh, argh

Pirates do as pirates please

We're terrors of the Seven Seas

And when we've pillaged all our foes

There ain't no place like Jolly Joe's!

Grab a keg of ginger ale Hop up on a wooden pail

Drop it on your shipmate's toes!

Oh!

There ain't no place like Jolly Joe's!

Argh, argh, argh, argh, argh

Argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh, argh

Argh, great! Argh!

(PIRATES CHATTERING)

They sound jolly, but they don't look so jolly.

Okay, boys, deal them up.

That deck's got to be swabbed.

Excuse me, gentlemen. I was wondering if you could,

if you could tell me...

(STUTTERING)

(GEORGE TITTERING)

What's the matter there? Parrot got your tongue?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Well, I...

He looks like a captain, but he talks like a cabin boy!

It isn't going to work. Let's just go.

Let me try. You got to know how to talk to these guys.

Argh! 'Twas a fine day at sea today.

Took a 12-gun brigantine and 10,000 pieces of eight.

Argh! Well, we took an 18-gun sloop

and 20,000 pieces of eight.

Aye, but did you show no mercy?

Not a bit!

Were you cruel and unusual?

The cruelest!

Well, me hearties, that was a fine day!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Grab a chair, and join the game!

All right!

Come on in. Serve them up, pour them up, pull them up.

Ahem! By the way, mateys, have any of you seen this?

(ALL GASPING)

(CHAIRS RATTLING)

Is that a yes or a no?

JOLLY JOE: Aye, lad.

The cutlass belongs to Robert.

Robert the Terrible.

My uncle!

You have his cutlass, but you're not he.

The others were fooled, but I know better.

You know where we could find this fellow?

His fortress is hidden.

But I've heard tell of an island, past the Rocks of Malabar.

On that island, a cave.

And in that cave, the clues to finding his secret lair.

Not that I'd go looking for it.

And why shouldn't they?

They don't call him "Robert the Terrible" for nothing.

He's the King's own brother, but he's as bad as the King is good.

Tried to take the throne by force, he did.

And, for his treachery, was banished from Monteria.

So he's a little nasty.

A little?

(CHUCKLES) Aren't you up for a little adventure?

I hear tell, locked deep in his fortress,

he's harnessed the mechanical arts,

to make himself stronger than the King.

With terrible iron legs and arms.

Not that terrible.

His iron claw can crack a coconut!

Stop trying to scare them.

Story says he's waiting for the King to step away,

just long enough to grab his beloved children

and take the throne for his own.

So, what would he do with them?

For Robert to claim the throne, they must be gone!

(GASPING) On vacation?

Princess Eloise?

(CHUCKLES)

So, what would he do with someone

who was helping the Prince and Princess?

A cucumber slices much more easily than a coconut.

(GRUNTING)

(PANTING)

Oh, for Pete's sake.

Okay, that's enough adventure for this gourd.

GEORGE: Clearing tables is really kind of fun when you think about it.

Don't leave without me!

GEORGE: Which way would be home?

George! Sedgewick! Elliot! Where are you going?

We must sail for the island at once!

Unless, of course, our heroes are giving up.

(TITTERING) Oh, no.

It's just that, you know, heroes can be very busy.

And now that this situation is under control,

we've been beckoned to another crisis.

Somewhere else.

You must be mistaken.

The Helpseeker brought you here,

and only the Helpseeker can send you back.

According to my father's notes,

the red button brings help, and the blue button sends you home.

But I don't believe it will light until your work here is done.

I want to go home!

Just get me back to 1972. I'll walk from there.

I don't understand. You're our heroes!

Brave as lions and cunning as foxes.

Are you the lion? 'Cause I'm not the lion.

No, you're the chicken. He's the spineless sea sponge.

Who are you?

I don't know. I'm like a sleepy little panda.

My father brought you here for a reason,

and your work here is not done.

(DOOR OPENING)

All right, here are the Rocks of Malabar.

But look! There's no island anywhere.

But Jolly Joe said there's an island past the rocks.

Well, you're the King's heroes.

I'll leave the interpretation up to you.

Ta-ta!

I don't know about you,

but if I bump into that Robert guy, I'm going to wet myself.

Well, let's at least go look. It won't be that hard.

We sail to the Rocks, look around a little, and then go home.

Our work will be done. No island, nothing more we can do.

I don't know.

Well, what if the map is wrong?

Come on, guys. We'll be fine.

We can look like heroes without doing anything dangerous.

That does have a nice ring to it.

Great plan, George.

What he lacks in spine, he makes up for in brain.

MAN: (SINGING) Raise the mast on the Steadfast!

Swifter than a bareback seahorse

Sailing an uncharted sea course

Who could survive such a dangerous mission

Alongside pirates with zero ambition?

We got the coconuts poured

We dropped the hooks overboard

And if you get a little seasick

We play the haddock for a hat trick

We got the hammocks on the main deck

ALL: Swingin' low

We got the butler doing the henpeck

BOTH: Screaming so

He say you should have been swabbin' the poop deck

We don't know

It's what the other pirates do-do

But we're bringing you

Yo-ho heroes

Standing in the gap, where'd you put the toys?

Time to take a nap

Yo-ho heroes

Flighty as a bird Easy is the word

Yo, I'm seeing no heroes

We're on a limbo craze

It's a relic from our limber days

Now we're stuck inside the limbo zone

That's where the pirates go

with too much time and a missing spine

Yo-ho heroes

Standing in the gap

Where'd you put the map? Take another nap

Yo-ho heroes

Strike a better pose That's the way it goes

Yo, I'm seeing no heroes

We're on the bad mood swing

We haven't done one thing

Not even the minimum daily requirement

We got the funk without the Parliament

But if you're feeling a little seasick

Rise and shine

And you want to get off the guilt trip

Now's the time

Because the captain of the main ship

Rings the chime

He could be coming before you know him

What are you gonna show him?

Go, heroes

Standing in the gap Taking up the slack

Following the King's map

Go, heroes

Steady as a rock I know it's a shock

Yo, let's be a hero

Go, hero

Standing in the gap Taking up the slack

Following the King's map

Go, hero

Steady at the wheel Keep an even keel

Yo, there be the King's heroes

ELOISE: The Rocks of Malabar!

Well, that's it. No island around here.

Time to go home.

Fellows, fellows! Let us not give up so easily.

The island may still lie ahead.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

SEDGEWICK: What is that?

WILLORY: El Remolino, the great whirlpool!

But no pirate will sail beyond the Rocks of Malabar for fear of it.

I thought it was pirate legend, but there it is.

Okay, time to go home.

No islands out here.

No, we're going to keep going.

But didn't you hear him? It's a giant whirlpool!

"Captain George's Death Cruise,"

brought to you by George, the Crazy Grape.

I thought you were on our side.

Thank you, George.

Might be a giant whirlpool.

Might not be. Let's hold our course!

(LIGHTNING CRASHES)

That whirlpool holds nothing but our own demise!

Oh, really?

The island!

Huh. How about that?

What? How could...

It's a sea mirage.

Water droplets in the air reflecting the sky so perfectly

they block the island from view.

Weather Channel.

(CHUCKLES) Right on time.

And look who they left behind.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Do you think there are snakes on this island?

'Cause snakes are on my list.

Oh, I'm sure there are snakes. Big ones, too.

And spiders and bears.

Huh?

Of course, the real question is why are we on this island?

I don't follow you.

We had a plan!

Sail to the Rocks, don't find the island, go home!

Which part eluded you?

It was a sea mirage!

You knew that, but we didn't need to know that.

It's an adventure.

I don't want any more adventure!

I should be home on the couch right now, eating cheese curls

and watching The Love Boat!

Instead, I'm stuck here with Captain Weather Channel

on my way to be sliced and diced by Edward Scissorhands!

Look, I don't know what I'm doing here.

I'm just trying to help Eloise.

Let's just get the clues for the Princess.

Maybe then we can go home.

Now, if I were a cave, where would I be?

Right about there.

(BATS SCREECHING)

(HOWLING)

Dark, creepy caves are on my list.

Sedgewick, look for the clues.

Oh, yeah. To bring me even closer to my death.

So, what's wrong with our boat?

We can't sneak up on them in a pirate boat, you ninny.

So, what do they look like?

What? The clues.

I don't know.

Maybe a map or a model of the world carved out of rock.

Or maybe a billboard.

Not likely. Too obvious.

No, really. A billboard.

What?

"If a sailor were to look for me,

"the East is where he'd start.

"He'd reach the Isle of Walking Rocks

"and the Clapping Pass would part.

"Then gaze with pride upon my keep,

"not found on any chart,

"till he would spy my steely eye

"and fear would stop his heart."

Ooh.

"Copyright Robert the Terrible. All rights reserved."

Oh, yeah. That sounds like fun and all,

but I'd kind of like to keep my heart going, if it's all the same to you.

So, what do we got? We head East to...

The Isle of Walking Rocks and the Clapping Pass.

And that's where this Robert guy hangs out.

And then something about cardiac arrest.

I don't know, call me crazy, but maybe our senses of fun are a little bit

different.

Holy mackerel.

Holy mackerel!

What? What is it? What? What is it?

Pieces of eight?

Spanish gold?

Even better.

SEDGEWICK: Cheese curls!

GEORGE: What? Cheese curls.

Thousands of them. Maybe millions!

Well, grab a few and let's get back to the boat.

I'm not going back to the boat.

(LAUGHING)

What do you mean you're not going back to the boat?

The way I see it, I have two choices.

Go back to the boat and continue our little adventure

until we all die in terrible ways,

or stay on this island and frolic in the sun

with a lifetime supply of my favorite snack food.

Now, I'm no Albert Einstein,

but I'm thinking the choice is pretty clear.

But, the Princess, she thinks we're heroes.

Well, she's wrong.

Heroes are tall and strong and brave and handsome, like Sir Frederick.

We aren't any of those things.

When you're done pretending, come on back.

I'll save you a few cheese curls.

Fine. Have it your way.

I will. Thank you.

You're not welcome.

(CHUCKLING)

Where do I start? How about you, my little friend?

(SCREECHING)

What?

(ALL SCREECHING)

Hey, hey, hey, fellas?

GEORGE: Oh, what does he know?

I know we're not real heroes but we're not doing so bad.

Let's just get back to the boat.

Where is she going?

She's sailing away.

But the clues!

Maybe she didn't need them after all.

(BEEPING)

Are you beeping?

It's my bag.

The ball. It's the blue button! We can go home now.

What? That doesn't make any sense.

It means our work is done.

GEORGE: Where's the rowboat?

But the ball! It's blinking! We can go home.

Hold on a sec. How long has that been here?

It's one of Robert's boats. But where are the men?

The ball! It's blinking!

GEORGE: Something ain't right.

They've got the Princess! We got to help her!

Come on!

Listen, when the ball blinks,

our work is done and we can go home.

Don't you want to go home? Don't you want to see your kids?

Sure I want to see my kids.

But I also want them to want to see me.

You know, maybe the reason they don't look up to me

is because I haven't given them something worth looking up to.

But the ball.

Hey, that ball thought we were heroes.

It was wrong about that. It could be wrong about this, too.

Look, Elliot.

If you want to go home, you can go home.

But Eloise needs me. And I need to do what's right.

(GRUNTING)

(WHOOSHING)

Let's go save a princess!

Help is on the way!

Help!

What kind of a crazy B movie am I in?

Attack Of The Killer Cheesecurls?

Okay, guys. Let's be reasonable.

I wasn't really going to eat you,

but you were impersonating a snack food!

(SCREAMING)

(THUDDING)

Okay, we're off!

I don't think we can catch up with them.

I think you're right. Then we'll just have to follow the clues.

The clues?

Yeah, from the billboard.

Head East to the Island of Walking Rocks.

You think that's a good idea?

No, but I haven't got a better one.

East it is!

GEORGE: The other east.

ELLIOT: East it is!

(GROANS)

My sacroiliac.

At least I lost those cheese curls.

(SQUEAKING)

(WHIMPERS)

They're like roaches!

Sick, demented, cheese-flavored roaches!

They stuck me here on purpose.

I bet George knew about those little things from the Weather Channel, too.

He's trying to kill me.

(PANTING)

I can't climb that. It's too far.

It isn't worth it.

Eaten by his own favorite snack food.

Could be worse. I could be eaten by something I don't like.

I give up.

It was a good life.

At least that one day, from about 2:00 to 2:30.

(SNAPPING)

Hey!

Where did... That's mine!

Ellen.

I bet she'd want me to come back.

(SQUEAKS)

What?

The light.

The crab will show me the light.

Maybe I can't do it, but maybe I can!

And this is the day to find out!

(GRUNTING)

(LAUGHING)

Sorry, boys! Gourd is off the menu!

(WHOOPING)

What do you want, Robert?

Isn't it obvious? I want the throne, the crown!

For years I watched my "noble" brother

use his power for the benefit of every family in Monteria except our own!

Feed the poor, help the sick.

The widows, the orphans,

blah, blah, blah.

My father is a good and generous King.

Indeed.

He took Monteria's wealth, our wealth, my wealth,

and squandered it on strangers. Peasants!

When the crown is mine, I can once again enjoy the benefits of royalty.

You're not strong enough to take the crown from my father's head.

Perhaps not.

But with you and your sister out of the way,

I'll be next in line for the throne.

And if your father should have an unfortunate accident...

What do you mean?

Ambition is the mother of invention.

A little something I worked up during my exile.

Amazing what black powder can do,

floating just beneath the surface.

A little demonstration.

Off you go, Your Highness.

(LAUGHING)

Of course, I can't just leave them in the harbor waiting,

or I'll blow up my own ships.

So I need to know something. When is the King returning?

He didn't say.

But even if he had, I'd give my own life before I'd tell you!

But would you give your sister's?

(DOOR OPENING)

Alexander!

Surely you must know when your father is returning!

(SIGHING) If you can manage to remember,

I might consider sparing the two of you.

You have two hours to think it over.

Otherwise, when the sand runs out,

so do the Prince and Princess.

Put them in their cell.

Oh, Father, who can help us now?

ELLIOT: (SINGING)

Papa's got a gumball, Nellie Papa's got a gumball, Sue

Papa's got a gumball, Nellie

I think I'll blow a bubble for you

Oh, Papa's got a pork chop, Nellie,

Papa's got a pork chop...

Will you stop that?

What? It's a good song. Don't you like it?

After the 32nd verse, it grates.

Besides, it's making me hungry.

Look at this.

I suppose Robert's fortress is beyond those peaks.

But there's supposed to be a pass.

ELLIOT: The Clapping Pass, right?

Right. I don't see anything.

You think that's the Island of Walking Rocks?

It's got rocks, but they don't appear to be going anywhere.

Maybe it's poetic license.

I'm going to look for the pass. You hang out here.

(SEAGULLS SQUAWKING)

(CHUCKLES)

Walking rocks.

(SINGING) Look at us, we're walking rocks

We don't wear any shoes or socks

La-la-la-la-la

(RUMBLING)

(GRUNTING)

(WEAKLY) George?

George!

(RUMBLING)

That must lead to the fortress. Hey, Elliot!

(SCREAMING) The rocks!

Huh?

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(CHUCKLING)

There's another one!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(COOING)

Do you think one of those could crush a coconut?

GEORGE: Are you kidding?

One of those could crush a Volkswagen!

(ROARING)

I think we woke up Dad.

Do you suppose he'll put the kids on time-out?

Not likely. It was nice knowing you, Elliot!

You too, George. Thanks for the adventure.

Don't mention it.

(GEORGE AND ELLIOT CRYING)

(PANTING)

BOTH: Sedgewick!

(COUGHING)

Hey! I've been looking for you.

I followed the clues. They worked out pretty well.

That was a swim.

(GASPING)

Company?

(SQUEAKING)

SEDGEWICK: Oh, no. I hate these guys!

(SCREECHING)

(SCREAMING)

(ROCKS GIGGLING)

Sedgewick, keep it up. I think they like it.

Oh, sure, yeah. I'll just keep running all day. No problem.

Oh, it had to be me. It's not... I am so tired... Would you...

(LAUGHING)

Somebody eat them.

Would you?

(GIGGLING)

That was a good idea, swimming over here with those...

Whatever they are.

(RUMBLING)

GEORGE: Oh, no. We got to get through there before it closes!

SEDGEWICK: What? Why?

Robert has the Prince and the Princess.

Hang on.

Now, this is the guy who wants to crush us like coconuts, right?

Uh-huh.

And you're going to go in there and stand up to him?

Yep.

And you're in on this, too?

Mmm.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Okay.

We go to row through before it closes.

I don't think that's possible,

and that's coming from a guy

who just swam 92 nautical miles without arms or legs.

GEORGE: Well, you got a better idea?

(GRUNTING)

Yeah. We need to get through. Can you help?

What's he gonna do, chuck us into the side of the mountain?

We'll just have to trust him.

Trust him? He's a rock!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

"Trust the rock," he says.

I don't understand.

Guys?

GEORGE: We're not going to make it. The pass is almost closed.

Guys?

SEDGEWICK: "Trust the rock. Trust the rock."

Guys! BOTH: What?

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Row!

(ALL SCREAMING)

Oh, the Clapping Pass. I get it.

Must be some kind of a secret bay or something.

So, where's this fortress?

Oh. Found it.

Won't they see us coming?

We're flying their flag. We should be fine.

There you go. They got a garage!

Well, that makes it easy.

Too easy. It's not guarded or anything.

SEDGEWICK: They don't need to guard it. Nobody can find this place.

Huh?

Hey, guys? There's bubbles.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(ROARS)

(SCREAMING)

Look out! He's going to eat us!

(CRYING)

Don't eat me!

Back off, serpent,

or taste my steel!

SEDGEWICK: What?

(BOTH GASPING)

(ROARING)

(SEDGEWICK AND GEORGE WHIMPERING)

Huh?

Hi, guys. It's a contraption.

I found a big lever inside, shut the whole thing down.

Pretty cool, huh?

Guys?

Oh, dear.

Like sand through the hourglass,

so are the last few minutes of our lives.

Okay, guys, let's go get the Princess.

I'm hoping this will lead up to the dungeon level,

and that's where we'll find the Prince and Princess.

ELLIOT: Wow! Their dungeon has a swimming pool.

Oh, no. It's a cistern.

A what? Their supply of drinking water.

So they could last for months during a battle.

The dungeon must be on the next level up.

Hey! I found the stairs.

Hmm.

So, what are we going to do when we get to the dungeon?

Huh? Oh, I haven't figured that part out yet.

Oh, good. I was thinking we had a plan.

Hey, I think we're there.

It's locked.

(SNORING) GEORGE: Yep, this is the dungeon, all right.

And look! There's the Princess!

(SOFTLY) Princess Eloise! Princess Eloise!

What? WILLORY: It's...

Who is it? It's...

Our heroes!

We've come to rescue you.

Do you have the keys?

If only we could get real small.

(WHIRRING)

ELLIOT: That is one neat toy.

It is not a toy. It's a labor-saving device.

Come on! Time's a-wastin'!

(SNORING)

Huh? Huh?

(ALL GASPING)

(ALL SIGHING)

What manner of magic is this?

It's not magic.

It's RadioShack!

(BEEPING)

GEORGE: All right, quickly!

I knew you'd come back.

(BANGS LOUDLY)

(YELLING)

We got to go. Follow me.

(BELL CLANGING)

Quick! The keys!

But this way is... Now!

Time's up.

Hello! What's this?

Someone wanted to spoil my fun?

Surely not you?

(TITTERING) Oh, no, sir.

Then you three?

(TITTERS)

They're heroes sent by my father.

They'll be your undoing.

The King's heroes? Then you can answer my question.

When will the King return?

He didn't mention it to us.

It didn't come up.

Surely the King's heroes would know of his plans!

Tell me when the King will return,

or say goodbye to the Princess.

(WHIMPERING)

Let her go! We're not the King's heroes.

We're not heroes at all.

It was all a misunderstanding.

Explain.

We're no heroes. We're cabin boys.

We work in a restaurant. We clear dishes. We clean up.

We give people refills on their soft drinks.

That's right. The King's heroes?

He's so lazy, he can't even climb a ladder without giving up.

(TITTERING) Yeah, and he's scared of everything.

Spiders, snakes, wicker furniture.

(TITTERING) It's true.

(TITTERING) And George there,

he's such a wimp, even his own son thinks he's a loser.

Isn't that right?

Is it true?

It's true.

The ball made a mistake. We're no heroes. We're...

BLIND MAN: When all hope is gone,

help will come from above in the shape of a donkey.

Donkeys.

We're not donkeys. We're cabin boys.

But even cabin boys

can do what's right!

Follow me!

Elliot! The ball!

Here.

(SNORING)

We really need help right now.

(BEEPING)

Get in! What?

Everybody, lean!

No! Get them!

(ALL SCREAMING)

It's more fun if you hold your hands in the air.

What was that?

The drain. We're getting out of here!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

I'm feeling flushed!

You've got to be kidding!

Quick! To the ship!

ALL: Whoa!

(WHOOPING)

SEDGEWICK: What a ride! You did it!

We're not done yet. Row! Row like the wind!

We've got company!

Row! Row! Row!

Can I ask where we're rowing to? The pass is closed!

It could open up at any second. Keep rowing!

(ROBERT CHUCKLING)

ROBERT: A noble but pointless effort.

Gentlemen, take them out.

(GEORGE SCREAMING)

(SCREAMS)

SEDGEWICK: This is not going so well.

Unless that pass opens up, we're doomed.

We can't get much further.

Is there anything that ball can do now?

We really need help.

ELLIOT: Help!

Nothing. It's not blinking.

They're in range now, boys. Finish them.

(RUMBLING)

Whoa!

What is it? I don't know.

Father!

It can't be!

You know what to do, men. Watch your aim.

Quickly! Disable the ship!

(MEN SCREAMING)

Where are you going? Back to your posts!

Return fire!

Against the King's men? You are mad!

(SCREAMING)

(GROWLING)

Men, hold your fire.

On my word, Brother, I'm not finished!

I'll never be finished until that crown is on my head!

For amazing tenacity, unwillingness to give up.

For extraordinary bravery in the face of grave danger.

For leadership and cunning in a time of great peril.

You wish to speak?

We're glad we could help. Your kids are real sweet.

But the ball, it doesn't work right.

We're no heroes. We're cabin boys.

There were no mistakes.

The Helpseeker picked exactly whom I intended.

And I made sure you had everything you needed to complete the task.

The crab that showed you the way,

the lever that saved your friends.

The donkey from above.

The adventure I call you to may not be easy,

but you'll never journey alone.

My help is always there.

When we were on the island, the ball said it was time to go home.

That was a test, which you passed with flying colors.

Sometimes, a test helps us decide what matters most.

The hero isn't the strongest or the fastest

or the smartest or the best-looking.

The hero is the one who, no matter how hard,

does what he knows is right.

Monteria!

I give you three heroes!

(ALL CHEERING)

WILLORY: Are you sure you don't want to stay?

We can always use a few more heroes.

No. I want to see my kids.

And my Ellen!

And Bernadette!

KING: Fare thee well, friends.

Your work here is done.

(BEEPING)

ELLIOT: Sure enough.

Hang on.

You know, I liked them from the very beginning.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

We're back. The show's on! It must be Friday.

I got to find my kids.

And the girls!

(SINGING) Our shirts are loose Our pants are tight

It's Spanish gold for all tonight

It's Spanish gold for all tonight

Caroline! Kids!

There they are!

(ALL GASPING)

(GASPING)

It's a fine night for a pirate fight.

It's Spanish gold for all tonight

So bring a hearty appetite

Our aim is true Our cause is right

It's Spanish gold for all tonight

Oh, no! He thinks Sir Frederick is me!

SIR FREDERICK: It's Spanish gold for all tonight

As Spaniards quake to see the sight

Our flag unfurled with black and white

It's Spanish...

Hey!

There's no King to save you now, cabin boy!

Elliot! The ball!

It's blinking!

(GRUNTING)

Here it is.

Stall him!

Andy! Trigger B!

Say hello to my little friend. Take that!

Whoa!

No!

Enough tricks!

A little help?

(SCREAMING)

Ouch.

(GRUNTING)

Time to go home.

ROBERT: Uh-oh.

(ALL CHEERING)

All right!

That's my dad!

Can I come over to your house?

I'd like to rethink your auditions.

You could really add something to the show.

I don't think we need to be in the show after all.

Life has plenty of adventure of its own.

(BEEPING)

(SINGING) Argh, argh, argh, argh

We are The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything

We just stay at home and lie around

And if you ask us to do anything

We'll just tell you We don't do anything

But I've never been to Greenland

And I've never been to Denver

And I've never buried treasure in St. Louis or St. Paul

And I've never been to Moscow

And I've never been to Tampa

And I've never been to Boston in the fall

SEDGEWICK: Hold on. We're not quite done.

(PLAYING ROCK MONSTER)

(SINGING) Skeedoodlee bop

Ooh, skedoodlee bop

We landed on a beach

We were looking for the Clapping Pass

Something came up behind us

It was a Rock Monster!

Rock Monster!

Rock Monster

We were on the beach

I was running from evil cheese

They were trying to eat me up

But they ran into a rock

But it wasn't a rock

It was a Rock Monster!

Rock Monster!

Rock Monster

Rock Monster

Rock Monster!

It tossed us in the ocean

In a pirate dinghy

Here he comes

He's on the run

40 feet tall

Here comes a cannonball!

Rock, Rock...

Rock Monster!

CHORUS: Monster, Rock Monster

Monster, Rock Monster

Monster Rock Monster

Monster, Rock Monster

All right. That's a wrap.

(SCREAMING)

(WHAT WE GONNA DO? PLAYING)

One, two, three

You ain't got nothing left to prove today

Unlikely heroes from around the way

Come back tomorrow and we'll save the day

It's on me, it's on you

So tell me what we gonna do

Tell me what we gonna do

What you wanna do?

About to drop us like a habit

The future's ours if we just grab it

Don't need no clutch It's automatic

We just can't ignore what we came here for

It's only fear that would prevent us

All that we need is deep within us

They've just started something we gonna finish

And we can't ignore what we came here for

You ain't got nothing left to prove today

Unlikely heroes from around the way

Come back tomorrow and we'll save the day

It's on me, it's on you

So tell me what we gonna do

Tell me what we gonna do

Tell me what you're gonna do

MAN: (RAPPING) I'm movin' shoes like Monopoly

Ain't never gonna count what it's costing me

'Cause we run the show about 20 below

From the Banks and the Grill to the streets of Soho

I'm movin' these shoes like Monopoly

Ain't never gonna count what it's costing me

Say, we run the show about 20 below

From the banks and the Brille to the streets of Soho

It's our time to shine

We're gonna do it right

It's our time to blind them

We gonna do it right now

It's our time to shine

We gonna do it right

And we can't ignore What we came here for

You ain't got nothing left to prove today

Unlikely heroes from around the way

Come back tomorrow and we'll save the day

It's on me, it's on you

So tell me what we gonna do

You ain't got nothing left to prove today

Unlikely heroes from around the way

Come back tomorrow and we'll save the day

It's on me, it's on you

So tell me what we gonna do

Tell me what we gonna do

It's our time to shine

Tell me what we gonna do

It's our time to shine

(SCREECHING)